Flashback Friday: When dreams come true....

This is what's on my heart today:

When dreams come true....

Reluctant writer....

On Monday, I felt the URGE to write. It was pressing so hard on my heart. I cried back, "No! God! PLEASE! NO!"  Alas, the grip on my heart was not released.

So here I am again.... blogging for the second (maybe third) time this week. But I need to start by stating clearly that this time around I am a Reluctant Writer.

See blogging is so dangerous. It opens my thoughts, my feelings, my very heart to the scrutiny of others. Sometimes I get RANTS about how evil and off-base I am. Sometimes I get well-meaning but MISGUIDED helpful hints. Sometimes I just get plain out ATTACKS on my person... my situation... my family. The first reason for my reluctance is just simply that writing brings pain.

In addition to that, blogging again is somehow an admission that we are "in the thick of it" again. I don't want that to be true. I don't really FEEL like it is true. But somehow by needing the therapy of writing, by returning to blogging, somehow I am admitting that the Kastner family is again walking down the "road less traveled".... that pock-marked road full of pain, agony, and (if I'm being honest) doubt. I am reluctant because for me writing means I'm walking through a valley.

But on Sunday as I worshipped.... as I CRIED out to "my song"  I very CLEARLY heard God whisper to my heart, "Will you be My billboard again?" I nonchalantly with immediate obedience answered, "Yes. Always." Then He pressed in closer, "Even if the advertisement I place upon you is one of pain, loss, fear and uncertainty.... will you let Me display My power through you even then?"  The tears bubbled up and spilled from my soul.... I chewed on my lip a little... wringing my hands.... dragging my feet... yet STILL I answered (a little less certain, a little less buoyant), "yes."

I'm not sure WHY we are walking through another season like this. We never are. I'm not sure WHO needs to hear my sad tale. Sometimes you tell me.... sometimes you don't. I don't know WHAT this next valley walk will hold. I don't know WHEN we'll reach the other side. But I do know a few things.  I am CERTAIN of some.

1. I will obey. I will follow. Wherever God's going, that's where I want to be. Whether it's a hospital ER... bouncing along down the street in a minivan that STILL has something wrong with its suspension... holding a SHATTERED smartphone in my hand... or if by some pleasant surprise we turn back down a road filled with pom poms... happy, healthy, whole children... medical bills NOT looming so dark anymore...  NO MATTER WHAT MAY COME, I'M GOING WHERE GOD'S LEADING.

2. He is in CONTROL. No matter how chaotic the past 60 days have seemed. No matter how much my heart palpitates. No matter how many co-pays are bled from me. No matter how many casts grace that precious arm. No matter how many more plastic ER room chairs my rear needs to occupy. NO MATTER WHAT MAY COME, HE IS IN CONTROL.

So come along if you dare.... I promise to make time to write when God presses something on my heart. As always I will be brutally, gut-wrenchingly honest about what's going on. And you.... will you promise me one thing???  Will you let my life be a lesson?  I don't care if it's a lesson of what NOT to want for your life. Or if it is a lesson of GRATITUDE that you aren't walking through what I'm walking through.... All I want is for all this suffering to mean something. I just don't want it to be for naught. So please come along and read my life as a lesson.

Repost: A sermon from Hannah Montana

I'm reposting again.... I am just TOO BUSY TO BLOG right now... So instead I am reading through my blog.... Today I'm feeling sassy so I thought I would repost a blog that got me in A HEAP O' TROUBLE!  Oh the heat I took for proposing that Hannah Montana might be able to give me a Word from God... To all of you nay'sayers who think Hannah Montana can't present a GREAT sermon straight from God, need I remind you???? God spoke through a donkey... A DONKEY!

I reiterate a line from this blog:  God uses whom HE chooses!

Hope he uses this repost in your life today.

A sermon from Hannah Montana

Maniacal laughter...

There comes a point.... past the slough of suffering.... beyond the trail of tragedy... far, FAR down the peak of excruciating pain, even a few steps past the distant dark of discouragement.... I like to refer to it as the mountain of maniacal laughter. This place is reached only after so much has gone wrong that it becomes comical. You can't even cry over your troubles. All that is left is to laugh like a maniac because most would not even BELIEVE what you have laboriously walked through is even true.

I reached this precipice tonight. It was after yestetday's refrigerator debaucle. Long past our brush with yet ANOTHER craigslist scam. Even after complete CHAOS threatened to make null and void a VITAL contract I had entered into. The maniacal laughter started after John reported not only did the doctor refuse to shorten the ban on him driving... but He actually EXTENDED it. EXTENDED IT!!!

I'm at that point.... the trials of my life don't even seem BELIEVABLE anymore! I mean who has TWO brand new appliances fail COMPLETELY when they are less than 18 months old? Who drives her husband 30 miles one way to reach the BUS STOP to get to work? Who barely escapes her SECOND brush with a scam on craigslist? Who does these things???? Jami Lynn Kastner... that's who.

Now you may think the maniacal laughter means I have gone crazy... but tonight I recognized it for what it really is... And the realization brought more laughter. I have been trying to figure out how I am going to do all of this.... how I will get John to work an hour away.... how I will make do until the fridge gets fixed.... how I will deal with this and that .... tonight I just started laughing when I realized... I CAN'T. I just CAN'T. this one is ALL God's. The ball is in His court, and if He wants John & me to make it through the next 2 months of John being unable to drive then HE will have to carry us through it. He will have to reveal some pretty crazy miracles. He will have to make a way when there seems to be no way.

I think the laughter comes in because I'm like... really Jami? It took you this long? It took this many things before you would finally LET GO and realize the One you serve didn't bring you to these herculean circumstances to watch you fight through them on your own... He brought you to this place to do MIGHTY things THROUGH you. So step out of the way and stop trying to DO IT! You are messing everything up! Let Him do it.

And I will. I'm laying down my tools. I'm done trying to figure this out. One day... one minute at a time.... I will just keep plodding on. I don't have to know how we are going to get there.... I just have to let Him navigate.

Stay tuned y'all. I just have a feeling that we are all about to witness SOME KIND OF show here in the Kastner household! Because in order for this to work out, God will need SOME kind of fireworks show.

God bless you tonight! May you too realize that He is in control. May you let Him navigate the way for you.

When it feels like God is late...

Before I even start, let me please make it CLEAR:  I know that God's timing is not our timing. I know that He has not dropped the ball. I know that He is still in control.

But sometimes it FEELS like God is late. It feels like He should have stepped in weeks, months or even years ago. It feels like SURELY He has lost track of all the things currently heaped on one person's shoulders. It feels like He lost track.

I have been PRAYING! I have been BEGGING for prayer and I KNOW others are praying too... yet still here we sit.. nothing changes but for the worse.

I know all the Christianese for my situation: I know I need to hang on. I know I need to trust God. I know I need to consider the lilies of the valley....

I also know that I have been BEGGING God to let me catch just ONE title to write about for MONTHS now... nada. I also know that I have been trusting Him to bring GOOD out of John's most recent medical woes... nopes! Nothing but negative ramifications raining down on us from that. I know that every single stinking place I turn there is NOTHING but broken down, negative, NONSENSE coming my way.

This morning I woke up to the refrigerator incessantly beeping. This is a NEW fridge... just THREE WEEKS out of warranty. And it is DEAD. Won't cool anything... won't stop beeping... I was able to get the manufacturer to cover the service and repair it under warranty; HOWEVER, they aren't even coming for the service call until Tuesday (and then who knows how long till the parts come in)... What in the WORLD? What is up with us? We just have the WORST luck ever and I can't figure it out! This fridge is new and in 13 months it has NEVER caused us even ONE problem... Yet now... right NOW with John still unable to drive, my "layoff" from freelancing starting to squeeze us, and my schedule so full I have NO wiggle room... NOW I get to figure out how to CHEAPLY feed a family of 7 without a refrigerator. The timing on this couldn't be worse and I just want to know WHEN? God WHEN will you step in and help me out????

I have been crying much of the day.. this may seem like just a stupid refrigerator but I am TIRED and WEARY and fed up with being the poster child for Trials R Us!

I have been trying for the past month to weather this with grace and godliness. I haven't fretted or worried... I keep trusting that God is going to figure this out... that He will make a way when there seems to be no way, but I am DONE now... I can't keep believing that everything is going to be "okay" when quite CLEARLY it is not.  I know in my head that He is not late, but right now I feel like God has forgotten me.... like He doesn't remember that I already have a HEAVY load on my shoulders and I don't need anymore burdens to carry. I know that's not right but I also know that is what I feel. Defeated... Discouraged... Hopeless...

I want to believe that He's gonna rescue us but I'm just not sure I can.

So what do you do when it feels like God is late?  On the way into town today, I just kept chanting to myself, "I love God. I love God. I love God." I couldn't make it past that... One thing I know is I LOVE GOD... I suppose nothing else matters much.

I think often of that scene in Facing the Giants when the coach's wife is struggling with her infertility issues and she keeps saying, "I will still love you, God." I am SO there.... I am at the end of me... my hopes and dreams lie dashed on the rocks, but I WILL still love Him... no matter what.

The load we bear...

Good morning everyone. I've spent a few days trying to catch up around here (and officially accepting the cheer coaching position at Heritage Christian School... Go Patriots!) and feel people may be wondering how things are going around here.

John is doing better physically. He seems to be adapting to his anti-seizure medication. While he is still dizzy, he now at least looks like he resides in this world, instead of appearing to be in la-la land all the time. The biggest prayer need related to John is for his spirit. He is just so DISCOURAGED... For a man who has always prided himself on his strength and power, being reduced to an infirm, restricted patient is NOT easy.

Jami is hanging in there. A little daunted by the task of taking care of EVERYTHING around this house again, but obviously not THAT scared as I still said yes to the cheerleading position.

Kids are fine. They are showing the wear and tear of their situation a little... one-by-one they have been dropping like flies to some icky cold bug that no doubt thought four slightly sleep deprived kiddos were a perfect target. But other than that they are doing well.

Laundry will be conquered TODAY!

Last night as we lay in bed, I could see how discouraged John was. I told him, "Babe, I know it stinks to keep going through this, AND I know this isn't fun to hear, but God is allowing us to bear this load because he knows we are strong enough to carry it." It is the Danielle Mabrey effect. When I had Danielle Mabrey on my squad, I knew that if I gave her something it would get DONE. It would be done on time. It would be done CORRECTLY. I never had to worry about that. As a result, I gave Danielle Mabrey more to do than I gave others. Was this fair? Not really. I was basically "rewarding" Danielle for being responsible by giving her more duties. But was it smart? Yups. Because Danielle had the tools to get the job done, it was the right decision to trust her with more.

I believe that is why we are "here again" in this muddle of this brain nonsense. God knows our shoulders are big and the size of our faith matches them. He knows that we trust Him. Is it fair that John Kastner has to deal with not one but THREE separate brain episodes, NEVER completely getting rid of them in between episodes? NOPE. But is it smart? Yups! Who better to proclaim God's power to the world that a stubborn, crusty old guy who refuses to give up and his Pollyanna-ish wife who never stops telling the whole world what they are going through??? We have the tools to get the job done.

So here's the lesson part:

What you are struggling with RIGHT now... What you are going through... I do NOT believe God would have allowed it into your life if He weren't SURE that you had the tools to get the job done. I'm not saying it will be EASY. I'm not saying you won't cry, scream, doubt or fear. But you WILL get the job done!

So go do it!

Driveway....

Well, we HAVE a driveway!  A beautiful, paved with asphalt DRIVEWAY!

The asphalt guy called Thursday night to report they were coming on Friday, and the kids and I spent at least 3 to 5 minutes jumping up and down and cheering, "Asphalt tomorrow! Asphalt tomorrow!"  It was EXCITING!

The next morning we arose and the momma had a GREAT idea! Drop all planned lessons and turn this asphalt into a project... One great learning experience.... Only I didn't know that God had a lesson planned for me too.

On WONDERFUL Wednesday, the men arrived to grade the driveway. They scooped it out, flattened it to even and packed it down tight. By Thankful Thursday, we already had a gorgeous, flat dirt driveway. But since flat dirt does not last long, we needed more. On Friday.... OH FRIDAY...

I watched the men pour the steaming hot blacktop onto our driveway,

scrape it flat with a BIG ugly machine

and then press it down tight with a HEAVY steamroller.

As you saw in my very first picture, the results were beautiful! [and functional too]

As this process unfolded in front of my eyes I saw an analogy forming. This driveway paving project made me think of the struggles we endure in life. See sometimes WE are my driveway... full of fissures, pot holes, and bare spots. When people come in contact with us they have to bounce along over the flaws, hanging on for dear life to avoid being hurt.

Every once in a while we come to the realization that we need some work. We might pray a furtive, "God, give me patience." or "Lord, I want to trust you more." Sometimes someone else prays the prayer, "Father, get a hold of my daughter's heart!" or "Jesus, PLEASE change my spouse."

In He comes with His shovels and rakes, flattening out the rough patches and evening out our landscape. This part isn't too uncomfortable. You know the part where He reveals to us, "It is YOU being selfish." or "You don't have RIGHT motives." how bout "Your spending habits are out of whack." or "You should NOT be in relationship with that person." It's uncomfortable, humbling, maybe a little embarrassing. But at the end of it we are flattened out, smooth, functional. We don't hurt people as much with our flaws fixed by the grace of God.

He could just leave us like that... a dirt road, flat and functional... but if He did, it really wouldn't last long. The rain would reform the gulleys, the wind would blow away the dirt, eventually we'd be right back to where we were in the first place.

It is smarter if He sends in the asphalt guys. Ya, that's the PAINFUL part. Hot, steaming asphalt poured on top of us... job eliminated, child sick, car broken down.... The asphalt is scraped flat and pressed down nice and tight. It isn't fun. It is PAINFUL! All that black hot asphalt of affliction... the scraping away until it is nice and flat... and then as if to add insult to injury the steamroller comes out and rolls over and over and OVER us.

Right now we're in the place where our cars are parked on the road. We have to let the blacktop settle a little before we can drive on it. Struggles are that way too. I find at the end of a really rough patch where God has flattened me out and laid some asphalt on top of what He was teaching me, He typically puts up a little rope and flag barrier at the end to keep troubles away for a short season. [sometimes so short that if I blink I miss it!]

In the end, the Kastner family ended up with a BEAUTIFUL and FUNCTIONAL new driveway... solid and firm... able to withstand the weather, the traffic, the skateboards, bikes and bouncing balls....

In the end, you will end up with a BEAUTIFUL and FUNCTIONAL spirit... solid and firm... able to withstand the trials, the everyday traffic....

If God's paving you today, hang on. Let Him work. It may inconvenience you, cause you pain, smell kinda bad but in the end the results will be BEAUTIFUL.

The application of my posts....

Yesterday I got an e-mail about my What ifs... post. As I read it I started to feel a bit of disappointment settle on my shoulders because the person had focused on something that wasn't really my point at all. When all of a sudden it hit me!  HARD!

It is okay if seven different people get seven different applications from my writing. I am NOT the one in control of what comes out of these fingers of mine. I write what's on my heart. I write what God is walking me through, and HE applies it to your here and now. All of a sudden I realized that it is GOOD if someone comments on or highlights a point I never intended, because that shows me that God is working. And if I wrote in such a way that EVERYONE only got MY intended purpose, then not nearly as many people would be touched by the words on this site.

Then I started wondering... how much of the rest of our life is tinged by that? I read the book Heaven is For Real this summer on the badgering urging of my mother. She wanted me to read it because it gave her such real and vivid visions of what Heaven will be like. I read it, thoroughly enjoyed it, BAWLED like a baby through it, but almost none of my enjoyment and bawling had to do with Heaven. Almost none of my "Aha!" moments came from the parts about Heaven. You know what hit me? You know what ministered to me? The similarities of that family to Job. The way thing after thing after THING kept happening to them, and they kept plodding on. That's what hit me. See as I read that book, I RELATED to their story. I could feel their pain. I know the pain of walking through the valley of Chiari Malformation, financial destitution, moving FAR away from loved ones, my life FALLING apart, all within the span of a few short months. Therefore, I bawled like a baby because I felt I had found some kindred spirits, a story I could relate to, company in my loneliness. Was that the thesis of this book? Nope. Was that the story the authors aimed to tell? Nope. But guess what it was the part that hit ME.

The point of my writing, the point of our lives, the point of our ministry isn't OUR AIM... It is just simply that people are touched. It isn't about the message I am trying to convey. It is about the message that God is bringing home to each and every individual reader. This isn't MY blog. It is God's. My job is simply to write what is on my heart. It is His job to apply some part to your individual situation.

So go ahead... glean WHATEVER you want from this post... I'm just grateful that you glean.

Heavy heart....

My heart is so heavy this morning. All around me are tragic stories. Last night I learned of another as I was attempting to conquer the evil stair treadmill at the TAG Center. The e-mail nearly knocked me right off that treadmill.

I have SUCH a heart for those whose life seems out of control. I know the pain and fear that comes from your emotions telling you, "God has forgotten me!" while your Bible and everything you have learned since you were a child is SCREAMING, "No!!!!  He has NOT!!!" My heart just BREAKS for those in pain. I grieve over your loss. I ache from your tragedy. And (OF COURSE) I have a few things to say to you:

1. You are NOT alone! You are NOT!!!  The enemy wants you to think that. He wants you to believe that no one understands, no one has been down this road before, no one CARES that you are reeling from pain. That is a LIE from the PIT of HELL! Listen to me! Stop whatever you are multi-tasking on right now... Focus on the words of this page... and HEAR me NOW! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! This tragedy I heard of last night... This terrible, heart-breaking story... I don't even know the person. I only have a "six-degrees of separation" kind of connection to the family, but I ACHE for them! I wish I could take away some of their pain. I wish I could help them! SURELY there are those in their direct circle of influence who care MUCH more than I do!

2. It will get better. I know it doesn't seem so. I know the pain and agony seem they will overwhelm you. I KNOW the waves are crashing over your head... you are inhaling breaths filled with water.... you are being dragged down to the depths of despair... but just HANG ON! Because it WILL get better... weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning... Psalm 30:5


3. He has NOT forgotten you! I purposely saved this one for last. He has NOT forgotten you. He sees the tears you have cried in the middle of the night. He knows you feel like the pain will overwhelm you. He knows you are lonely, tired, weary, losing hope. He knows that you are at the END OF YOUR ROPE. He has NOT forgotten you. If there is ONE thing you can take to the bank, it is THIS!!!!  He has NOT forgotten you!!!

Sometimes I think I should stop trolling around the Internet, stop reading people's blogs, unsubscribe from group lists. My heart hurts SO badly from all the pain I encounter via this World Wide Web.... But then I know that I need to keep doing it... I need to pray for all these lost children I read about on Fox News... for all these broken people I meet on the Internet... for all those touched by the gut-wrenching pain of loss... So on I go reading, trolling, PRAYING...

If you read this blog and thought, "Ohmigosh! she wrote this for ME!" know that I am praying for YOU today. Praying that God would rush in and surround you with His love. That He would bring the light of hope to your darkness. That He would send the warmth of a hug into your loneliness. That He would give you the strength to hold on just a little longer, but most of all that He just WOULD... so you know that He has NOT forgotten.

Hang on my friends!

What a flippin, flappin DAY!!!!

For two days now, I have had "one of those days"... nothing major... no one needed brain surgery; no eye muscle reattachment; car didn't blow up; axe murderer didn't find me unaware... just tons and tons and TONS of little stuff:

*messy accidents of the elderly
*not one but THREE attempts before a viable urine sample could be obtained (from same senior citizen), confirming my suspicions that a UTI was causing some of our problems (I'm not a doctor. I just play one on TV.)
*no work.. I mean NO work to be had... until the morning of the day that I had to take my aunt to the doctor... SERIOUSLY???
*5 year old who learned to light a match (THANK YOU JESUS she only burned her finger and not the whole house down)
*4 trips to Walmart in 4 days.. If I'm lying, I'm dying!  FOUR TRIPS!!!!!
   Monday - because Hannah was promised a bike if she bravely endured surgery, all post-op appointments AND the evil eye drops;
   Tuesday - because in the middle of a cake pop project I needed to get candy melts;
   Wednesday - because our regularly scheduled programming calls for an every Wednesday trip and I had been putting of the normal stuff till the regular trip
   Thursday - needed burn cream and gauze

Along the way, it was like the devil was throwing snowballs at my frostbitten spots!  ERGH!

***navigating Walmart with four kids and a 90-year old lady on the DAY BEFORE school starts is NOT fun!
***while normally very helpful, the people at Aurora Hartford were NOT my favorite people today
***old people canNOT seem to "go" when needed but ALWAYS seem to need to "go" when NOT needed
***golly 4 kiddos are irritating at Walmart (wait did I already say that one?)
***I have A LOT on my plate at any one given moment (that's not really a brand-new revelation... I'm just saying)

So anyways, I was LITERALLY and TRULY in tears by about 4 p.m. It was FREAKING hot out there today! the kids had pushed me to my limit! previously mentioned Aurora peops were trying to make my life difficult I think. previously mentioned old person wasn't helping either.....

I realized a few things today:

Sometimes it IS the little things... a TON of little things is still a TON. It was that last one little STRAW that broke the camel's back and sometimes the load of all those straws can be as heavy as one BIG thing!

No matter what... When my day is NOT good, my God still is. The day can fall apart. One TERRIBLE revelation or TONS of tiny little irritations, but REGARDLESS, my God is still on the throne!

Also, while the muscle spasms in my back and shoulders don't really prove this point: I am starting to see that there is only so much I can do in any one given day. When things go perfectly, I may be able to write my 5 articles, do any reference checking that is needed, homeschool 4 kids, care for one old lady, and not lose my mind... But when someone gets burned, gets a UTI, has three bathroom accidents... on those days... I'm not going to get much "work" done. I have to learn to just accept that and walk away. I have to see that the productivity of my day isn't only measured in articles written, blogs posted and reference checks completed... owies soothed, messes made right, battles mediated, and cake pops placed in the hand of a smiling child ALL COUNT TOWARD MY PRODUCTIVITY!!!!

Finally a couple of quick less lofty lessons:
*Auntie Marge does NOT go to Walmart... EVER... AGAIN!
*Do NOT run out of burn cream, bandaids, or benadryl. Not in THIS house.
*Hannah should be glued to my side... Maybe another trip to Walmart to buy a bunch of those sticky mouse traps???
*Walmart may not be much fun, but I would NOT make it without one.
*Cake pops are YUMMY!
*Kids cooking for you is heavenly.

Sooooooo here's to hoping for a better day tomorrow. I realized tonight, even if tomorrow bites too, it is still FRIDAY!!!!! Homeschooler bonfire, LifeChurch, Christian Life Fellowship and a WHOLE lotta laying around on Labor Day are ALL on the docket for my weekend and I can't WAIT!

Have a GREAT Friday everyone!

I made it through...

Yesterday as I was driving Hannah to a follow-up appointment with Dr. Patterson, it came across the wires... Matt Redman "You Never Let Go." That's been the theme song through this recent trial... In fact, it is what I was singing to Hannah as I held her, waiting for her to come out of anesthesia.... And oddly, (well maybe not so oddly) she has been singing it ever since her surgery too. It was a gentle touch from God. A little reminder, that He's there... He's always there.

I started to think about the rest of the soundtrack of my life. See music is so powerful for me, and it seems every season of my life comes with a theme song.  Of course, John & I have a song... I chose songs for each of my babies when they were born. In addition, every tough thing I have gone through has a song that "attaches" to it. It was either a song that "got me through" the season or sometimes a song that came out after the fact that reminds me of the time, but regardless when I hear the song, powerful emotions surge. It is as if I'm transported back in time. I can feel the emotions, feel, wonder, excitement of that season of life as real as if it was just yesterday!

I always mean to burn a mix CD of the songs... problem is life keeps adding more songs to my list :)  Here's a little snippet:

Blessed Be Your Name - when Luke was diagnosed with Leukemia
Praise You in This Storm - financial devastation of 2005
By Your Side - tumultuous summer of 2009
Stronger - John's Brain Surgery
You Never Let Go - Hannah's Eye Surgery

But see yesterday as that song came on the radio, a thought was planted in my soul and this morning it grew into a big grown up concept to blog about.

Here's the thing with all those songs.... Here's the thing with all those seasons... They represent the PAST... I'm through them. A few of those songs still stab me like a hot poker in the gut when I hear them. Some of them bring a warm fuzzy, my God carried me through that feeling. And some of them cause my hackles to rise as I get myself in fighting stance ready to kick the devil's butt for what he tried to take from me. This morning though it occurred to me.... All of those seasons are IN THE PAST.  

I remember that I feared losing my husband... I remember fearing being evicted because we couldn't pay the rent... I remember having the air socked out of my gut with one word, "Leukemia".... I remember the constant dread of lining the bills up against the salaries and ALWAYS coming up WAY short.... I remember the cloak of humiliation I couldn't seem to shake because of the financial troubles we were struggling under.... I remember telling God time and time again that SURELY His bookkeeper had lost track and Jami Lynn Kastner was getting HER share of struggles and someone else's too....  Mostly I remember feeling that SURELY this would be the one thing to "do me in"..... SURELY I would NOT make it through THIS struggle... this battle for my life, heart and soul... But guess what everyone??? I did.  I made it through. Sometimes it wasn't pretty. Sometimes I could have stood taller. Sometimes I should have trusted more or held it together longer, BUT regardless I MADE IT THROUGH!

Someone out there needs to hear this today!  You are facing one of those bloody knuckle, gripping for dear life, I canNOT do THIS one more second situations! You feel at the end of your rope, strength depleted, can't see two feet in front of you, hope tank on E. But I'm here to tell you, "HANG ON!" You will make it through. And when you're at the end of your rope... when you have NOTHING left... when you are empty... you are in the PERFECT place for Him to work.

One day in the not too distant future, maybe you too will have a song that triggers memories of this time, this season in life. Your gut may knot up in remembrance. Your heart may surge a little. But then you will STOP and realize, "I MADE IT THROUGH!"  Please hang on.  Please stand strong. You WILL make it through!

Like Jesus....

I'm sure as Christians we all have the same goal: to be Christlike. I often pray that God will mold me and make me more like His image. I really truly want to be Jesus to everyone I come in contact with. 

Recently though I've been thinking about this aspect of that goal.... DIFFICULTY. 

Looking at Christ's life, I don't see too much ease:

*He was rejected by MANY

*He was crucified and tortured

*He was mocked, scorned, ridiculed

*He was misunderstood 

*He suffered injustice, pain, and betrayal EVEN THOUGH he was perfect and deserved none of it

So why then when I face trials and difficulties do I wrestle with "WHY???" How come I never seem to realize, life isn't about getting back what you've put in. Karma really DOESN'T exist. What goes around doesn't always come around correctly.  Instead the Bible says:

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have TROUBLE. But take heart! I have overcome the world. 

John 16:33

(emphasis mine)

Then He called to the crowd to Him along with His disciples and said: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 

Mark 8:34

Why am I surprised when I face trouble? Why am I shocked when I suffer injustice? Why does it take my breath away when bad things happen to good people?

The truth of the matter is Jesus was the PERFECT, sinless, Son of God and He suffered injustice upon injustice. He didn't have a glamorous home.... He didn't ride on a thoroughbred...  But His needs were met... His feet walked the path God chose... and His ministry was BLESSED. 

Today my dear friend, be encouraged!  Troubles don't mean God has forgotten you!  Tough times aren't necessarily a punishment!  Struggles are not a result of God's indifference!  If you are struggling today, remember Jesus suffered hardship too!

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with out weaknesses, but we have One who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet He did not sin.

Hebrews 4:15

Don't let struggles get you down. Feel honored that you are counted worthy to suffer. And never, ever, EVER doubt that God is not RIGHT by your side as you struggle.

Keep that goal. Race toward that prize. The prize of becoming more and more like Christ every day... but along the way... don't expect a cheering crowd and gold medals. For that is NOT a part of the package deal we have purchased. Our reward is in Heaven and getting there will take a lot of struggle.

God bless you today!

Best and Worst Year

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary.... 13 years of wedded bliss :) John and I snuck away for a celebratory lunch, and while we ate we talked about what was our best year and worst year so far...  Funny for BOTH of us, there was just one year.

The 11th year of our marriage was grueling. We saw more trials and tribulations in that year than most couples face in a lifetime. It was full of the hardest things we had ever faced, many of which I never EVER thought WE would endure. I wouldn't repeat that year for all the money in the world. It was definitely our worst year yet. Funny thing though, as we tried to search for our best year, that one kept popping up too, and finally we decided that the 11th year of our marriage was our best yet too. See we MADE IT THROUGH more trials and tribulations in that year than most couples face in a lifetime. We TRIUMPHED OVER the hardest things we had ever faced. I wouldn't repeat that year for all the money in the world, but it was DEFINITELY our best year yet.

Trials are like that you know. They are awful and gut-wrenching and PAINFUL! But they show us God's love and they reveal the stuff we're made of and they are like a Girl Scout badge proving we can get through ______________ as long as we have God on our side.

It's kinda like my wrinkles and gray hair. I'm not thrilled with them. They reveal my age and lessen my chances of ever getting carded again, BUT they are badges showing I have weathered many years (and tears). They are my worst thing and my best thing at the same time.

Whatever trials you are facing today, no matter how dark and desolate, HANG ON and KNOW--- KNOW DEEP IN YOUR BONES -- that one day you will look back and be encouraged, and be proud, and be thankful that together you and God got through this.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.


James 1:12

The beauty in flaws...

John and I have a new obsession on television. It is called Brothers & Sisters. We found it on Netflix. It is tawdry, fake, sassy and at the exact same time REAL. I literally cry through every episode. It is weird that I like this show as much as I do because its political and social agenda differ VASTLY from mine, plus Calista Flockhart has never been my favorite actress. Alas I love the show anyway.

Over the weekend we watched this fantastic episode. (SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!) Kitty was struggling to fight lymphoma, and she just wanted a night out.  Her husband Robert (a senator and filthy rich) surprised her with  a rooftop dinner for two. It was perfectly staged and BEAUTIFUL... a complete surprise... even included fireworks. As they stood there gazing on what he had done for her.... So wildly imperfect [Kitty had cancer running through her veins.. Robert was a pretty recent survivor of a heart bypass... Just a few episodes ago their marriage had nearly fallen apart due to Robert's overzealous ambition and Kitty's affair]... all I could think was how BEAUTIFUL they were. How beautiful their story was. How beautiful their love was.  And I heard God whisper, "That is LOVE Jami.  That is LOVE."

Love isn't the perfect couple that has never fought, never betrayed, never doubted. Love is the couple that has been to Hell and back and is still standing together. Love is facing health catastrophes, financial destitution, barrenness, legal battles and even infidelity and coming out on the other side TOGETHER. I always feel so ashamed of my flaws. I want so badly to present to the world this picture of perfection. A perfect person.. a perfect marriage... perfect children... perfect home...  All of a sudden in that moment, with Robert and Kitty standing on that rooftop strong and BEAUTIFUL, I realized that it is the FLAWS that make something/someone beautiful. Perfection is overrated! There is beauty and STRENGTH in triumphing over the hurdles you have faced.

There is an added layer for those of us who love and serve Jesus. This lesson goes beyond the beauty of the human spirit triumphing over adversity. A whole new wave of BEAUTY rushes over me when I look at my flaws and appreciate the beauty of them and then WOOSH! come the realization that those flaws are SO beautiful in me because it is then that God is shining through me most brightly. In our weakness HE is strong....

So I challenge you, look at your flaws differently today. Appreciate their beauty... but most of all delight in the chance for God to shine more brightly through the "bare spots" in your life.

God bless!

Lessons from last week...

Last week was a Jami FOR SURE!  Now that the insanity has settled down to a gentle simmer, I stand in awe-struck wonder at the way God's fingerprints were ALL OVER the insanity of last week. It was a GREAT reminder to me that:


And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28. 

Or the Jami paraphrase:  What Satan means to be our defeat, God LOVES to turn into our victory!

Ways that God left His fingerprints all over my crazy week last week:

*Auntie Marge fell on Wednesday morning at about 10:15 a.m. I was supposed to be at Physical Therapy for my Achilles tendon at that time; however, because my mother was in the hospital, Gramma spent the night at my house and I cancelled my appointment.  If I had gone to physical therapy, who knows how long Auntie Marge might have laid on the floor in agonizing pain.

*We have been slowly and casually leaving the children (boys only NOT Hannah... she'd burn the place down in < 2.2 seconds) home alone while I run to Mayville for a QUICK trip to Piggly Wiggly.  They have done VERY well with that responsibility.  So they were PREPARED to stay at home for a little bit with Gramma Hilly while Hannah and I ran Auntie Marge to the hospital.

*When Auntie Marge moved here, she needed a doctor. Mom sent her to Gramma's doctor on the south side. But that was not an optimal situation.  She was living an hour away from her doctor AND as it turns out that doctor was not the best one for her... he probably should have tweaked her medications a little because the dosage on one of the was WAY too high which led to a VERY low heart rate which is VERY likely the reason she fell... regardless that's all kinda babble... here's God's fingerprint:  she landed in the care of THE MOST amazing doctor in the WORLD!!!! (If you live near Hartford and are looking to be seen by the MOST amazing doctor in the WORLD, look up Dr. Tye at the Aurora Clinic... AH-MAZE-ZUH-ZING!)  Dr. Tye is tweaking her meds, taking good care of her, and providing AWESOME bedside care... She REALLY, REALLY likes this doctor and he is SO kind to her too!

*After Auntie Marge had surgery, she was going to need to be transferred to a Rehab Center for Physical Therapy and Rehab. My family wanted to have her rehab at the nursing home near them (in Greenfield), which made sense in the natural:

---5 families sharing the load of visiting an elderly relative is easier than 1 family doing it
---my mom is her power of attorney, I am just her daily care giver... it made sense to put her nearer to her POA
---we've had a trial run of that center because Gramma Hilly was there before
---I have a friend who works there

But my spirit was VERY unsettled about Auntie Marge being that far away from us.  I was not trying to be selfish, but I really felt that for HER healing and motivation to get out of there it would help for her to be around the family she lived with ever day.  Not wanting to cause a feud, I just presented my feelings to my mom and then prayed.  I prayed, "God you do what YOU want, and make it ABSOLUTELY clear to ALL of us that YOUR will is being done."  Later that day, mom called to say that there was not a bed open in Greenfield.  Auntie Marge was going to the center in Mayville!

So now here's where I attempt to wax poetic... or at least make this make a little sense.....  Last week was HORRIBLE!  Seriously it was... there were SEVERAL times where I was just bawling, unable to handle even one more tiny hiccup in the plan.  But through it all, He was right there... He was working things out... He was weaving His loving plan through all the fear, pain, tears, and stress...

Guess what?!?!?!  He's there for you TOO!  I know you feel tired!  I know your body aches!  I know you are sick and tired of struggling through this SAME EXACT TRIAL!  But He is THERE!  He is leaving His fingerprints ALL OVER your situation!  You just have to look for them.  Sit back and look for them.

You know I watch WAY too many crime dramas on TV.  I fancy myself an amateur sleuth of course.  Well I was just thinking about how Gill Grisham's peops sprinkle that powder on the surface they are fingerprinting, brush away the excess and then the fingerprints STAND OUT.  Do that today... Sprinkle the powder of God's word on your situation... use a little meditation and contemplation to dust away the excess... and then look and SEE God's fingerprints standing out!  I promise you if you look hard enough, they are THERE!

God bless everyone and have a GREAT day!

Worship Wednesday: Hear my Cry

[disclaimer: I did not mean to go all reggae on you this morning, but this little snippet was the ONLY version I could find on playlist.com but I figure it is kinda a nice taste of Jamaica for those of us who are stuck in 12 degree WI]

Wowzer! The past 48-hours has been a whirlwind. Christina and I have decided that we should contact Webster's and ask them to add the following definition:

Jami (noun): a 24-hour period in which more catastrophic and minorly irritating events happen to you than happen to most people in an entire year.  Car accident, forgotten lunch, trip to the ER, and cat peed all over the comforter, what a Jami yesterday was!

It started when I received some heart breaking news about a dear loved one of mine. (names and details withheld to protect the innocent who didn't sign on to be a part of my blog)

Hear my cry, Oh Lord 

Next came some GREAT news... but it was hugely momentous as well and not without a great deal of stress. (same as above regarding details)

Attend unto my prayer

Then began the truly sketchy part... Awoke to a text from my mom:  Dad's taking me toWaukesha Memoria ER... heart... will text details.


From the ends of the earth, will I cry out to Thee


The entire day was FILLED with stress:
*snoblowed the driveway TWICE because John's neck flare up didn't allow him to do it; propane truck STILL couldn't get up the driveway; had to PAY THE SNOWPLOW GUY to plow driveway even though I sweated and labored and slipped my way through snowblowing it... TWICE!
*got ALL the way through the grocery store AND CHECKOUT only to find I had left my checkbook at home
*as I raced home to get the checkbook I didn't get over into a lane fast enough for some jerk behind me... he decided to just LAY on his horn until I moved... by that point I was ready to go POSTAL on someone.
*Mom was kept in the hospital overnight and scheduled for a 6 a.m. heart catherization.

And when my heart is overwhelmed
Lead me to the ROCK
That is higher than I

I have often wondered how people get through tough stuff without God.  I mean I can hardly get through it with Him!  I'm so glad I don't have to know.

Well my Jami is behind me (hopefully)... Today peace and calm has settled about my house. Gma spent the night last night so my dad could stay at the hospital with my mom. All four kiddos are still sleeping. John got off to work on time.  I'm on my second cup of coffee.  And BEST of all, I just got a text from my dad, Great news.  All arteries virtually unchanged from ten years ago.  Sending her back to room. We may be out by noon or so.

Thank you Jesus for being my Rock.  I could NOT do this thing called life without you.

For better or for worse....

I remember vividly the day.... It is one of my favorite days to remember.  There I stood, twenty-nine years old sure I'd be forever single... but I was wrong... oh so wrong. The day was absolutely perfect!  Melinda Toy sang like an angel... my sisters, cousins and friends walked down the aisle before me... Dad walked next to me and gave me away... Mom cried... John did too... I often say my ONLY regret of the ENTIRE day was that I took my veil off at my reception. My hair never looked quite the same once I removed the veil. I stood there at that altar stars in my eyes and love in my heart and there I vowed, In sickness and in health.... For richer for poorer... For better or worse...  I had no idea what poorer would look like.  No one forewarned me how dark worse could get. And no one explained the excruciating pain of the sickness.

I'm not sure whose pain is worse. John, again incapacitated in the living room, unable to turn his head AT ALL to the side, struggling with discouragement over the realization that this will LIKELY be the rest of his life... intolerable neck pain, trips to the NICU, continual medications... Or me, torn in half watching the man I love struggle through the despondency of realizing he is just NOT the same and will probably never get back to what he used to be.  We are both struggling through so much YUCK!

Last night we had the discussion (with tears in BOTH of our eyes) that as SUCKY as this is... it really, truly DOES beat the alternative. We could have lost him. I could be struggling to raise these four babies alone. I could be lonely and scared and without my BFF. I could be spending every night wiping tears from the faces of my precious babies instead of schlepping him medication and a warm sock buddy. As hard and gut-wrenching as this is, the alternative is just way worse.

So here's the deal... when we pledge for better or for worse, we have NO idea what that means. We have this strong conviction that we'll "stand by our man" but we have only a vague idea of what that will look like. As the details become clear, it's not like we wish we hadn't pledged this but we kinda realize WOW! I had no idea it would look like THIS! 

It's like our relationship with God. We choose to accept His free gift. We ask Him to come into our hearts and our lives. We have a FIRM conviction that we'll stand by Him NO MATTER WHAT, but we have NO idea what NO MATTER WHAT will look like. We have to just blindly trudge forward waiting for the details to be revealed to us.

I hope this e-mail doesn't strike you wrong.  I am NOT lamenting the struggle through the worse.  I actually embrace it. I really truly do! First of all because the alternative is so much worse, but second of all, I embrace these times because I really don't get to see enough of my husband. While I don't like him being in pain, I really do like him being home.  I guess I just wanted to put it out there for anyone else who is struggling through the sickness, poorer, or worse right now.... Struggling in their marriage, in their life or in their walk with God.... Hang on! Do NOT give up!  For better or worse!  You promised it to your spouse, to your God, to yourself!  You can DO this!

Threshold....

So often I hear people say, "God will never give you more than you can handle."  But I don't really agree with that.  I do believe that God DOES allow more than we can independently handle to come into our lives because if we are not pushed past our "threshold" of tolerance we will not grow.

Recently while pondering this concept with my now famous friend, Lori (see blog that made her FAMOUS) I used this analogy.

A personal trainer evaluates his/her client and then comes up with a training program that fits the client.  If the client is a fitness newbie, the exercises will be simpler, the weight used lighter, and the number of repetitions smaller.  If the client is a professional athlete, the exercises will be more complex, the weight used heavier, and the number of repetitions greater.  The goal of the personal trainer is to help the client make fitness improvements.  It is not to hurt the client or to just waste the clients time with exercises that are easy for him/her to complete.

God is the PERFECT personal trainer.  He knows us, body, soul, and mind, better than ANYONE, better than we know ourselves.  He allows us to endure the struggles that He knows will make us stronger.  He doesn't want to hurt us by allowing struggles that are too difficult for us.  Yet He doesn't want to just waste our time here on this planet allowing struggles that bring about no changes in our lives.  The goal of this earth is the "perfecting of our faith."  It takes work to get perfect faith, probably a lot more work than it takes to get a perfect body.

So what's the application here of this funky little analogy:

1.  TRUST... Trust that God knows you.  He knows what you're going through.  He is allowing a tailor made program of struggles designed to perfect YOUR faith.

2.  WORK HARD....  Work hard to get the most of out of this tailor made program.  If you were paying a personal trainer to get you in shape, you would sure as shoot do each repetition exactly as the trainer instructed in order to get the most benefit out of your money.  Approach your struggles just like that.  If you have to go through the mud and the muck of ICKINESS, get some benefit from the pain you are enduring.

3.  DON'T LOOK AROUND....  Don't look around at how much weight is on someone else's weight bar or what type of exercises their trainer has them doing.  Focus on the task in front of you, trusting that what is "on your plate" is exactly what you need.

I promise you all, I am applying all this nonsense I'm spouting off about.

1.  TRUST... I am trusting that God knows that John is AGAIN out of work with something wrong with his brain.  I am trusting that these struggles will perfect our faith.

2.  WORK HARD... I am working hard to get the most out of this struggle.  I'm being gut-level honest with all of you in case someone else can be encouraged by my struggles.  I am reigning in my worries.  I am rejoicing in the positive aspects of what I'm facing.  Just this morning I updated my Facebook status, "I'm thankful for the fact that I get an unexpected, ENTIRE week with my hubby home."  And guess what?  I am!  I am REALLY thankful for extra time with him.  I am trying VERY hard to complete each rep of this little faith perfecting workout with great form.

3.  DON'T LOOK AROUND... Finally, I am putting my blinders on.  You know how they make a horse wear blinders so it doesn't get distracted?  I am trying to put on blinders.  I am trying hard to focus on what God wants ME to learn, glean, endure.  The only time I am taking my eyes off my own business is to pray for other people.

Just wanted you all to know that I'm not just spouting off words that I'm not paying attention to.  I am trying VERY hard to apply what God is revealing to me and what I am sharing with you.  Hope you all have a VERY blessed day!  I promise to update on John's condition as soon as we know anything.

One year ago...

Stitches

September 8, 2009... Some things are so fuzzy.  Some things are so clear.  I clearly remember sitting in a little vending machine alcove with Amber trying to keep our minds off what was going on in the operating room.  I hardly remember handing the kids off to my sister.  I remember Shane prayed with us before the pre-op nurse wheeled John away, but I don't remember much of what we said or did other than that..  I remember John left so quickly I didn't feel I had enough time with him and what if....  (Well you KNOW)...  What if that was the last time I saw him?  I remember how puffy he looked the first time I saw him after surgery, and I remember I cried tears of joy that he had made it through mingled with tears of sadness for how miserable he was.  I can't remember how long he was in that first ICU, but I remember the other family in the waiting room there.  I remember that their loved one wasn't expected to recover fully.  I remember eating TONS AND TONS of Noodles & Company.  I remember Amanda and Amber helping me watch the clock so we could tell John exactly how many minutes till he could press his morphine button.  I remember there was a hot male nurse Amber was sweating, but I couldn't pick him out of a line up.   And I remember the grumpy AWFUL nurse who preceded him.  I remember I hardly slept at all that week...  A few stolen winks on a family room couch... A few restless moments on an air mattress at my sister's.  I remember the AWFUL 2nd ICU, and its horrid brightness.  I remember the luxurious room we got once John got out of ICU.  I remember that it seemed we were at the hospital for years, but in reality we only spent 4 days there!  For BRAIN SURGERY! 

Daddy is my BFF

I remember tons of great nurses, doctors, therapists (most of the icky ones have faded away into fuzziness).  I remember my family and friends taking over care of the children, especially Cori caring for them EVERY spare unaccounted for minute.  I remember thinking over and over and OVER again, "The stress of all this should be killing me.  Why isn't it killing me?" I know now why...  because I was surrounded by a vast cloud of prayer.  I remember friends, family, even complete strangers blessing us with gifts, prayer, meals, food, advice, financial support.  I remember the sweetest of sweet (a little girl asking her daddy to send us 7 cents from her piggy bank), the crazy LAVISH (3 diff people gave us LARGE amounts - enough to pay the rent!), the very sacrificial (a friend whose family had struggled with unemployment for over a year slipped a folded up bill into my hand at church)....

Watchin TV in the hospital

But here it is ladies and gentlemen, what I remember the most:  He was right there with us through the whole thing.  He didn't drop the ball.  He didn't wring His hands.  He gathered us in His arms.  He buoyed us up with His people.  He healed my husband with a skillful surgeon from his tool box.  He carried us, He loved us, He provided for us, He stayed by us!

On our way home...

I don't know what you're facing today... I have friends facing foreclosure... I have a friend who just inherited FIVE children he is trying to keep together as a family.... I have friends struggling with a mysterious illness... Another struggling with the pain of divorce brought on by unfaithfulness... ALL of these needs and MORE are on my heart this morning.... A year and a half ago my heart would have felt such DEEP sadness for these situations.  Today, I feel a little sadness, but mostly I feel awe, wonder and expectation!  I know that I know that I KNOW that our God WILL come through for all of you in miraculous ways!  Just ask Him and then look for the answers.  

Last year, He pulled us through things I thought I could never make it through (a mini-stroke, being out of work for TWO MONTHS with no pay).  We hit rock bottom, time and time and TIME again last year, and we learned to cherish each and every day as a blessing from God.  I believe with all of me that He will pull you through too.  If you have a little time and want a little encouragement go back and read (or re-read) my blogs from last year:  August, September, October.... we were in the belly of the beast, and here we stand today having made it through by the grace of God.  He will get you through too!  So hang on and let Him carry you.

Thorns, contentment, and hope...

I had the EXACT same conversation three different times yesterday.... I'm not THAT dense... I see it's something God must want me to process... With three different people, I had conversations where we ended up talking about what to do when you're praying and praying for God to change something, and it just doesn't change.

Did you ever see the movie Groundhog Day? I actually hate that movie, BUT that's not the point of this. In the movie, Bill Murray goes through the same day (Groundhog Day) over and over and over again. I can't remember what the point of that exercise is as I have tried to block the irritating movie from my memory banks; however, it is actually serving a purpose for once. In the movie, every time he wakes up it is the SAME EXACT day. He knows what's coming. He knows how it goes. Do you ever feel like that? Like you have been down this road a jillion times? Like you have endured these same struggles over and over? Like you have prayed your heart nearly DRY begging for God to change your circumstances? Yet still here you are.

How do we handle the struggles in life which seem to never end? Suffering a chronic illness... Neverending financial struggles... Perpetual singleness... What attitude are we to have towards those things?

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.

2 Corinthians 12:7-8

If the struggle that just won't go away is our "thorn" then our posture should be one of humility, acceptance, and perseverance. We should just accept that this is what God has given us, our "cross" to bear, and continue on living the life he has given us. Supporting this idea is:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Philippians 4:12

We need to be content whether we are walking in sickness or health, whether we are socking away money for a rainy day or robbing Peter to pay Paul, whether we are navigating our days as one or as part of a dynamic duo. The summer before I met John, I had REALLY come to grips with my singleness. I was nearly 30 and feared I would never ever get that precious "Mrs. Degree" I had so deeply desired. That summer I remember saying to God, "You know Lord, I'm okay with being single. I don't need to get married. I have a tremendous ministry here, reaching out to these children in this Christian school. That is enough for me. I had become content in that situation. BUT (and that's a REALLY BIG BUT there) I had NOT given up hope. My contentment with my singleness didn't mean that I had stopped longing for my soul mate. I think that is a fallacy we have all accepted. We believe that being content means you no longer desire or hope for that thing you don't have: health, financial stability, a spouse. I think you can be content with your situation while still hoping and praying for a change.....

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:23

He is faithful and no matter HOW long you have endured the exact same struggle, you should hang on to your hope! We serve an AMAZING God, Whose power and majesty know NO end.... No matter how neverending your situation seems, no matter how hopeless your plight, He CAN change it. He CAN turn it around in a FRACTION of an instant.

So where does that leave us??? How then do we endure? I think that we endure by accepting our situation and getting to the point where we know should God choose to NEVER change our struggles, we will continue on: loving Him, praising Him, serving Him. I think we endure by finding things to be grateful for even when the night seems the darkest. But most importantly I think we endure by NEVER EVER giving up the hope that things might change.

My dear friend who is struggling through a situation that just DOESN'T seem to resolve itself, I know your pain! I understand the agony! I GET the deep, deep desire to just be through to the other side of this trial. I need you to hear that our God CAN change your situation. But I need you to tell me that even if He never does change it, you will NOT give up!

So seek contentment with where you are. Remember that God can bring your healing, rescue, redemption in an INSTANT! But until He does, hang on tight. Don't give up. Be content and most of all PRAISE HIM!