Thursday, March 17, 2011

A personal blog (part 2)....

So there I was this morning,  walking down Valley View Lane, song one playing on my music player as God's love FLOODED over me.... reminding me that I was "made for so much more" than this war torn, tsunami riddled, nuclear threatened, polticially tense, financially strapped EARTH. I'm just like a fish flopping on the beach, CLEARLY out of its natural environment. I was made for MORE..... But I digress. You've all read part 1.... right?

So song two began and it was MY turn. My turn to bless Him. My turn to take the love He had just showered onto my aching soul and send it right back...

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all 
I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Pouring from my soul!

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all 
I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

SCREAMING from the depths of me!

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all 
I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

A promse I intend to KEEP!

I'll stand
(come HECK or high water!)
with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all 
(gave it all for ME!)
I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
(the good the bad and the ugly... ALL of it is YOURS Lord)

Wowzer!  It was such a PERSONAL moment... ministered in such a PUBLIC place... the most private, tender, aching part of my soul, comforted and then lifted back up to my God... all right there with neighbors and even strangers driving by... exquisitely private yet perfectly public.  Kinda like this blog....

A personal blog....

Sooooooooooooo.... I'm venturing into unchartered territory.... Attempting to walk with this tattered and tender Achilles tendon. I am proceeding slowly and with GREAT caution.  Just one lap down the cul de sac and if I feel pain, I am (almost always) turning back. My purpose is two-fold really:  workout AND break in these new shoes I got before my orthotic inserts arrive.

This morning as I walked God NAILED me to the wall with 2 songs from my music player.  It was INTENSE and personal and AMAZING... so of course I wanted to share it with you.

I'm not really a HUGE fan of promoting a strong self-image.  I really truly believe that when we focus on our self-image we take our eyes off Him for too long.  However, that being said I can EASILY identify the fact that I am WAY too hard on myself.  Seriously I am!  I am too fat... too busy... too unorganized... too impatient... too... too... too...  My mom recently said to me, "You are the most guilt-ridden person I know."  I can make just about anything my fault.  I bet I could make the Tsunami in Japan my fault if I tried hard enough.  So while I don't put much stock or time into building up my self-image, I recognize that I do need to ease up on myself a little.  

This morning the first song as I walked was Beautiful... Mercy Me; I love this song; it's made me cry many times before; but NOTHING like this morning before.... I literally almost fell to my knees with the power of it today.

Days will come when you don't have the strength 
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
[seems that's all I hear]
Wondering if you ever could be loved
[or why I would be loved]
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
[really Father?  cuz I don't feel like it]
You're beautiful
[You're just SAYING that... you have to!  you're my Father]
You are made for so much more than all of this

He kept on speaking LOUD through this one lyric.  Every time I heard it in the song:  you're made for more than sleepless nights, stretching a dollar, squeezing into tight pants, your eyes bugging out of your head in frustration, tears pouring down your face in hopelessness... YOU ARE MADE FOR SO MUCH MORE THAN ALL OF THIS!

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are TREASURED, You are SACRED, You are HIS
You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to fight
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
[you're fat... you're ugly... you're unlovable... you're emotional... you're overwhelmed...]
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die

You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

Over and over and over the words poured over my soul... Soothing me.... Healing me... Making me feel LOVED....

Soooooo not to leave you with a cliffhanger, but I just realized that this idea is TOO long for one blog... I will have to do part 2 tomorrow....

Just remember:

You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His

Friday, March 11, 2011

Lessons from auto complete....

So FINALLY after months of John nagging me (I'm not kidding MONTHS) I got a new phone.  It wasn't until my trusty old Blackberry was broken in three ways (o and p keys were dented from falling through the chair... roller ball got knocked out and even a new roller ball kit couldn't fix it) that I caved.  Didn't hurt that new phone was the same cost as the new higher insurance deductible either...  Regardless I keep telling people, "Old people should not get new technology!"  It's not that I can't use the phone. It is that I am SLOW at using it.  And we ALL know that Jami canNOT afford to be slow!

One part that is REALLY slowing me down is this dang-nabbit auto complete function.  First of all the phone has a touchscreen and I have pudgy fingers.  That is not a good mix.  So when I'm trying to type a word and I hit an errant key or even when I don't, the SMART phone completes the word for me... but it isn't always what I mean.

UR keeps coming up IRS
Kiah is kosher
pls is plastics and I keep asking Noah to "Plastics let the dog out."

It is VERY frustrating. But here's the thing.... it's kinda teaching me something about life. This phone is pretty darn smart, but it can't read my mind. It misunderstands my pudgy fingers all the time. It is FORCING me to slow down and I don't like it. However, I think it might be God that wants me to slow down.  I am SO fast!  I bet I'd make your head spin.  I do more by 6 a.m. then most people do all day: get John off to work, do a load of laundry, therapy exercises, read Bible.  I type fast.  FREQUENTLY, when I'm taking a reference people will say to me, "WOW!  You type really fast!" I talk fast, walk fast, cook fast, work fast, LIVE fast... only (here's the catch) all that fast is making me TIRED.

So as irritating as this new smart phone and it's haughty little auto complete feature is... I'm glad that it is causing me to SLOW DOWN and I promise I am trying to submit to the harness.  I just have to admit I'm a bit more like a mule than a horse.  Guess this stubborn girl just needs a little more time.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Reach out your hand....

Last week I sat outside of AWANA with my friend Joan lamenting the plight of Christian women.... putting everyone and everything before themselves. We talked about this fictional place flowing with milk and honey. This land where women take care of themselves at least a little.  For me, it is a BEAUTIFUL land where mom's get to go pee BY THEMSELVES!  Without an audience of little eyes and little voices wondering, "MOM, are you going poop?" ("Why no, thank you for asking. I was just silly enough to think I could pee in private!")

The irony of that delicious moment of grown-up talk being interrupted by a tearful phone call from Noah hiccupping, "Elijah's bleeding!"  was NOT lost on me!  I jumped from Joan's car and actually ran a little on the way in only to find Elijah lying in the hallway clutching his head and indeed bleeding. As I rushed out of the church propelling Elijah by the ice pack covering his head wound.... Joan stood there doing the only thing she could... shurgging her shoulders and shaking her head.  She said, "Should I take your other kids?" as I headed for the hospital.

Now do not worry. Elijah is fine (didn't even require stitches!) and I promse I am rapidly approaching the point of this bog!

It's my friend, Joan. See she didn't respond with condemnation, "If your darn kids weren't so crazy they wouldn't get hurt."  She didn't remind me I needed to take care of myself first, "Don't take him to the hospital until you've grabbed a coffee to calm your nerves." She offered to HELP. She just reached out her hand and offered to help.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people are ready and raring to go with judgement or lectures or condemnation instead of reaching out to be His hands... His feet. Lest you say, "She only offered to take your kids..." let me point out Joan has four kids of her own.... one of whom was at least an hour past bedtime and had been LOUDLY making us aware of that fact for about a half hour already.  Or if you want to argue, "Come on Jami, no one would really say those things to you when your child just split his head open."  I say to that, "Nay, Nay!  Do not believe that!"  One thing I learned through brain surgery and its consequent trials is people will and DO say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times.

So I guess this blog is about stress... it is about number one accepting the fact that no matter how carefully you construct your perfect little life with its perfect little limits and its perfect little lists, sometimes life just HAPPENS.  The sooner you come to that conclusion the happier you will be. I used to have this misconceived notion that if I did everything just so that life would go right.  But through my struggles God has taught me that even when I do everything right (which RARELY ever happens) something can still go wrong...

Finally this blog is about Joan... a GREAT friend... who did just what I needed that night... she offered help without looking down her nose at me.  Today I'm going to purpose to remember Joan when I see someone else in trouble.  I'm not going to even THINK the judgement thoughts.  I'm not going to even THINK the lecture in my head.  I'm just going to reach out my hand and offer to HELP.
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