Parenting

Being a parent is TOUGH....  Some of us signed up for this job.  We thought, "Hey... I'd like to have kids." and BOOM!  Baby makes 3 or 4 or 6.  Some of us weren't looking for the position but were instead thrust into it, "What does that second line on the stick mean???"  Some of us wanted it so bad that we were willing to do ANYTHING to get it.  Adoption... Fostering... In-vitro.... ANYTHING.

But regardless of how or why we became parents, it isn't easy..... In fact, it is the TOUGHEST job I never knew I could love so much.

He was just 4 or 5.  It was his first experience with a team sport.... T-ball. And this day was HIS turn to bring the snack.  It was a momentous occasion for a 4-year old.  Bringing the snack.... Feeling like king for the day... being POPULAR because of the treats he had in his possession.  I will NEVER as long as I live forget the feeling in my tummy when the boom of rejection fell. See someone had screwed up and scheduled TWO children to bring snack that day, and NO ONE.... I mean NOT ONE t-ball player took Noah's snack. Tears brimmed in his little 4-year old eyes as he said, "Momma, no one wanted my snack."  In a flash I realized this was just the beginning.... The future held MANY rejections that I would need to walk through with him:  "Momma, no one sat by me on the bus." "Momma, I was the last one picked for kickball." "Mom, she doesn't 'like' me."  "Mom, I lost my job."  My heart SCREAMED, "God I can't DO this! I can't watch my baby hurt!  I can't stand the pain of this MOST precious person being hurt."

Be still and know that I am God....

She was 5.  We had been told this moment was possible since she was 4 months old. But we had done EVERYTHING to prevent it... baby glasses, patches, baby bifocals, oh SO many doctor appointments.... Yet here we were in a small curtained area waiting for them to wheel our baby girl back and cut into her eyeballs to fix them.  She looked at me with terror in her eyes.  "Momma, don't let them TAKE me." her eyes screamed out at me.  I had MANY reasons why I was going to let them take her. I had her future vision, appearance, happiness on my side. I was RIGHT to let them do this.  But she didn't need to hear any of that. She didn't need my well-thought out defense. All she needed to hear was, "I'm sorry." and "I love you."  All the way down the hallway I heard her scream, "I want my Momma!  I want my Momma!" Those screams still echo in my heart.... and through my tears, I just whispered, "I'm sorry. I love you.  I'm sorry. I love you."

Be still and know that I am God....

My cheerleaders have tried to explain to me what subtweeting is... I just couldn't seem to get it, but recently I have started to realize that I guess I already am a master at it.  See sometimes the situations that plague my heart are too sensitive and too confidential to blab the details.  So I blog about related topics.  I blog about safer topics. I leave out the details... the names... the specifics. Most often to protect OTHERS who didn't sign up to be a part of my "bare naked honesty."  

That's what this blog is about today... it's not really about t-ball.... it's not really about eye surgery... But it IS about parenting.  And how difficult it is.... it was difficult when a teething baby BIT me while nursing... it was difficult when I was putting patches on a screaming 2-year old.... it was difficult when someone smeared butter in the screens and broke THREE toilets (all in one summer I might add).... it was difficult when we were deciding if we should homeschool... and the fact that I love these little people more than my own life and I realize what I am doing is worthwhile does not change the fact that PARENTING IS DIFFICULT! broken hearts... needing to simply say, "I'm sorry. I love you." and no more.  It is DIFFICULT!  

Be still and know that I am God....

To every parent reading this I'd just like to say:

Be still and know that I am God....

It is tough.  There are many times that aren't fun.  But He has this under control.  When you just want to SCREAM at the heartbreak your child is suffering.  When all you can say is, "I'm sorry.... I love you...."  He has this under control.  

I doubt this blog will minister to anyone else today... but as is typical for me writing out my angst has been therapeutic for me.  

Hope you have a GREAT day!

He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Psalm 46:10

An update on John...

I'm sorry!  I know this post is HOPELESSLY overdue!  I should have written last week. The only excuse I have is that I have literally been racing from task to task for 8 days straight hardly getting a chance to take a breath.  (What else is new, right?)

John's surgery went SO well. There had been fears that since the MRI they were going off of was quite old, that when they got in there they would need to fuse more vertebrae then anticipated. However, when Dr. Ahuja came out to update me after surgery, he said that it looked better than expected when they opened John up, and the surgery went extremely well. WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

This was literally the best hospital stay we have had in the past 4 years (which is saying something because John has been hospitalized 6 time since 2009!) Every single nurse, CNA, receptionist, doctor, therapist, security guard we encountered was AWESOME!  They were kind, friendly, helpful. Seriously if you need to go to the hospital, Kenosha Medical Center is the place to go! We were only in the hospital for 28 hours from check-in to discharge.  WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

John is adhering STRICTLY to all the restrictions the Dr. gave:  no driving, lifting only 8 to 10 pounds, wear the neck brace CONSTANTLY.  For those of you who know him, I'm sure this comes as quite a surprise. John Joseph Kastner following the rules?!?!?!?  Really???  All I can say is:  WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

Recovery is going EXCEPTIONALLY well! Every day, John gets a little stronger and his pain diminishes a little more. Just 8 days after surgery, and he is already taking less pain medication then he has taken in years!  We were able to attend my family's Thanksgiving celebration just 2 days after surgery, AND we made it to church this past Sunday! We are VERY optimistic about the success of this procedure, and we KNOW it is because:  WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.

Psalm 86:10

Please continue in prayer for us.
*We are praying about John's 12/19 post-op appointment. At that appointment, we NEED the x-ray to reveal bone growth so that the Dr. will clear John to return to work.
*Also pray for me.  This Momma is WIPED OUT!  Monday I dove HEAD FIRST back into my regular schedule:  worked 5 hours, homeschooled, coached cheer, cared for a recovering hubby, an old lady, and a newborn. I am SO far beyond exhausted at this point and IT IS ONLY MONDAY! But don't worry.  I haven't forgotten

WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

The things that I know...

My heart is full yet somehow the road by which these feelings typically travel out of my heart is blocked..... clogged.

I'm searching for just the right analogy to explain the raw and unadultered fear,  chaos and tension that is bubbling just under the surface of this calm exterior I'm trying to put forth.

Have you ever read the B book? It's an easy reader we have in our library. Pages and pages of B things are introduced. All balancing precariously on a bear on a ball until at last the tiniest bird lands atop the pile, and CRASH the whole thing comes tumbling down. Maybe that's the word picture I'm searching for.

I'm in the midst of a CRAZY full weekend which ends a VERY busy week. I hosted a brunch this morning,  coached a game after that and rushed to teach Christmas choreography after that all while developing a nasty cold. Tomorrow will bring the teaching of more choreography, prepping for the week and a cabke guy appointment.  Then Monday a FULL day of work,  capped off by cheer practice.   I am holding this all together.... placing my ducks in a row... yet still there is this eerie feeling that one tiny little bird atop my pile and CRASH it will ALL come tumbling down.

So what's a girl to do?  In times of uncertainty...  Facing another grueling mountain... Not feeling up to the climb... well I guess I will just focus on the things that I KNOW:

*my God is in control.... time and time again He has proven this. .. I don't expect this time to be any different.
* my husband is a STRONG and capable man who already triumphed over brain surgery
*my children are deeply rooted and will likely be the ones carrying me through on their rock-solid faith
*my family will rally behind me no matter what comes my way
*God's people will be faithful in prayer and in deed

And most importantly....  the thing I know best without a shadow of a doubt:

*He WILL be glorified through the circumstances of this coming week

Please continue to keep John in your prayers.  We are praying and BELIEVING for a SUCCESSFUL surgery,  a MIRACULOUS recovery,  and many MANY chances to proclaim His goodness,  power and mercy.  Thank you for praying with us.

Flashback Friday: Just DO it!

I am REALLY feeling this blog this week. Good reminder from myself...

Just DO it!

Roughing up my heart....

Ugh... I don't even KNOW what to title this post.... *sigh* I guess I'll just figure that out at the end. Here we go:

John is scheduled to have neck fusion surgery the third week of December. For those of you who are thinking, what? who? how? why?  here are the details... the rest of you can skip to the bottom if you want.  Just scroll down until you see the bolded words Well so here we are....

If you've been with us for the duration, then you know that 4 years ago John had to have brain surgery to relieve the symptoms of a chiari malformation. Because of that initial surgery, disk degeneration (which he has always had) is worsening and manifesting in some icky symptoms (he is on week 3 of a CONSTANT headache right now.... he is losing strength and size in his left arm... he has pain radiating from his neck all the way down his arm...) Today they told us that left untreated it could eventually result in him losing all function in his left arm.  [Okay that's pretty scary.]

I believe it was back in July of 2012 that we first started hearing about this idea of neck fusion, and then again this past summer it came up. As this appointment to discuss it again approached we started hearing rumors (which are still as of now unconfirmed) that the lovely Affordable Care Act is going to DECIMATE our current AMAZING insurance benefits and knock us down to what all the rest of you have been dealing with for insurance [not being rude, just saying that we have had FABULOUS health insurance every since John changed jobs.... if the rumors prove to be true that will be a thing of the past come January 2014]....  Sooooo these rumors got us thinking that we might need to just DO THIS before we cannot afford to do it because of our "Affordable Care".... When they told us that part about the possibility of it progressing to the point where he would not even have any use of that arm, we were kinda like, "Okay let's get this puppy on the books!"

Again for those of you who want the details.... the gory details.... keep reading... the squeamish... well you've been warned.

So we have been told that this surgery will be MUCH less invasive, painful, difficult than the last one... [although I have to tell you that back in 2009 I DISTINCTLY remember Dr. Ahuja saying, "This is the best brain surgery to have. If you have to have brain surgery, THIS is the one you want to have because it is the easiest one."  WHATEVER!] apparently because they will go in through the front of his neck, moving his muscles to the side instead of cutting through muscle (like they did in the back of his neck) it should result in a much easier recovery. They will be fusing his C4 through C6 vertebrae together in order to give his nerves room to "live" in there and immediately relieving his pain, weakness in his arm and stopping any further degeneration.  Here's the visual they gave us of what they'll be doing.... that black thing is a titanium doo-hickey (yes that IS I think the technical term... at least as I heard it)... underneath the doo-hickey will be some plastic thingys that replace his degenerated discs.

Well so here we are.... walking down roads... living out scenes... asking for prayers... explaining medical terms we have become too familiar with.... all like we've done in the past....  In the short span of just 8 hours since I found out, I have been through the following phases:

Phase 1: I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me....

The first introduction of this concept of a second surgery actually happening, left me almost cocky and too assured.... "We can do this!  It's easier than the first time. So much is different. We are different.  This is going to be a walk in the park!"  It was in this phase we told the kids, and they pretty much seemed to take it in stride just like I was.

Phase 2: I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me....

After we told the kids, John and I laid down to try to get a little rest. I fell SOUNDLY asleep, slept too long and arose late for cheer practice and a bit discombobulated. At this point the realization that we were indeed going to do this AGAIN was hitting me and I was left feeling a bit dazed and confused by the punch that realization walloped. I raced off to practice, forgetting Regan's shoes, forgetting a cup of the coffee I asked Noah to brew for me, and forgetting about a certain female situation which I will provide no more details of in case my brother is reading this blog for he will SHOUT, "FOUL!!! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!" (In fact he is probably already shouting that.) I drove to practice kinda forgetting where I was and where I was going for a little bit. I felt as foggy and hazy as the weather around me.

Phase 3:  I can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens me.

I entered phase 3 as I pulled in the driveway after practice. I sat in the car for several minutes sobbing. "God I know I can do this with you. God don't leave my side for a second these next few months. God I NEED you!" screaming from my soul! My weeping left me in a place of quiet resolution. I can do this again. I can get through ANOTHER surgery. I can watch the man I love endure EXCRUCIATING pain. I can watch my dear babies trying to be strong with terror in their eyes. I can DO this.  And that's when God gave me my analogy.

When the surgical assistant was explaining the surgery to us, he said that at the end of the surgery they will "rough up" the bone (vertebrae) around the fusion site. He said they do this to signal the body, something is hurt here we need to fix it.  Then new bone will grow to "accept" the titanium doo-hickey and strengthen up that area.

God is roughing up my heart right now.  He is signaling my spirit that something is hurt and needs to be fixed. Over the next few days, His Holy Spirit will rush in and build "new bone" on my heart to accept this new situation and incorporate it into my reality and make me STRONGER.

As is typical when I come to you through the words of this blog... we NEED your prayers... for the big... for the little... for the seemingly inconsequential...

John is a little nervous/weirded out by this whole thing. I know he DESPERATELY wants his pain to come to an end but the fear that this won't do it or could even make it worse is assaulting him a little.

Noah seems okay right now, but he is the one ALWAYS hardest hit by John's health issues. #1 because John is TRULY his best friend and #2 because he tries to "step up and be the man" when John is down for the count and that is a tough thing for a 9 then and now almost 14 year old to do.

Details... our dr. is doing surgeries at a different hospital now we don't know if it is covered by our insurance.... we are hoping that the vacation time John has available will be enough to cover his recovery time... this will be happening RIGHT in the middle of cheer season, Christmas, etc... not the best timing in some ways but great timing in other ways.

I will try hard to keep you in the loop, but I expect that you will likely only hear from me when I'm begging for prayer or processing the tangle of emotions I am going through.

Thank you friends for your prayers and for always caring enough to walk with us through the dark times.

John's Health Update....

WOW! 

After packing up the baby to eat on the go and to be picked up on the go, packing school stuff for the kids, leaving dinner on the table for Auntie Marge, finishing up a swirl of work calls and e-mails, and making sure I was ready to go to, we left the house at 2:30 p.m. yesterday. By the time we arrived home, it was 8:30 p.m. and WHAT A WHIRLWIND it was in between!

MU --- got to MU by 2:55 p.m. waited and waited and waited (an ENTIRE 5 minutes!) for John to get done with work. He hopped in the car and we headed to

St. Luke's --- dropped John off 15 minutes early for his appointment he was in the office for 1 hour and 15 minutes! Meanwhile I sat in the car with 3 of our kids and Novenah, trying to feed Novenah while motivating our kids to do some school assignments [public note to self: do NOT even bring the schoolwork in the future! it is FUTILE and just FRUSTRATING and not all that beneficial to ANYONE!] When John returned back to the minivan he had

GOOD NEWS --- based upon evaluation of the MRI, Dr. Ahuja is recommending another round of Physical Therapy 2x per week for 6 weeks, cervical traction AND switching up John's muscle relaxers and NO SURGERY YET!  I immediately got on the phone with the

insurance company --- WWWWWWHHHHHHYYYYYY oh WWWWWWHHHHHHYYYYYY does everything have to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOO difficult???? fought with the voice-activated system which was going NUTS because my charges could NOT be silent and it kept hearing their noise and interpretting it as my selection. Finally got through that and waited on hold FOREVER to reach someone who said that my group number wasn't recognized by the voice-activated system (REALLY????? cuz I couldn't tell!) and then transferred me to the correct person. I then waited on hold for another ETERNITY to reach a different person who said, "I'm sorry your group number didn't transfer can I have it again?" So WHILE I WAS DRIVING found the number and repeated it to her [btw... isn't it nuts that I don't have that memorized after 3 years of this???] I explained to her I was trying to find out if this cervical traction device was covered only to find out without a billing code [which of course our Dr. didn't give us and by now of course his office was already closed so of course I could not get that] they couldn't tell me if it was covered.... WHILE all of this was going on, we were trying to coordinate Tanisha picking up Novenah which resulted in us pulling into not one but TWO different

McDonalds --- was dinner last night. Don't even get me STARTED on the expense/lack of nutritional value/etc of that choice... Easy won out last night! But we still didn't transfer the Novenah package. Headed QUICKLY to

My parents' house --- to drop off the kiddos to hang out there while we went to the chiropractor we were starting to run LATE AHHHHHHHHH!  Hurried over to the chiropractor with Novenah still tagging along.... Made it to

Dr. Hyatt --- digested a TON of information (a normal neck should have a 43 degree curve -- John's neck is almost straight up and down with only a 3 degree curve) the crux of which is Dr. Hyatt is (and in turn WE are) cautiously optimistic that he can help improve the curve of John's neck and decrease his pain level through chiropractic adjustments. [Novenah got picked up somewhere in here.] The 2 visits per week program we are embarking on will be a little costly BUT as I told John (and several other people afterwards) we can eat Ramen noodles every night for 9 months it helps John avoid another surgery! So John got adjusted last night, we picked up his new prescription, and the

End Results --- he is sore today, but optimistic. I can tell because he keeps starting sentences with, "When I get stronger," "After I get better," or "After a few months at the chiropractor,"....  We are STRICTLY following all doctor directives (iced 3x already, started new medicine regimen, kept rolling over all night long to make sure he was sleeping ON HIS BACK with his neck properly supported)... and for all of you

THANK YOU --- sooooooooo MUCH for your prayer support! We could feel you all carrying us through yet one more tough time in this journey. Keep on praying! It's working!

Saturday MRIday....

John's MRI is scheduled for THIS Saturday. We would appreciate all the prayers we can get on this issue as we are NOT very excited about the possibility of another surgery.

Also his chiropractor appointment is scheduled for Tuesday, August 7.

Prayerfully walking forward and clinging to His promises...

The Kastners

John's health...

Just a little update for those of you who are following our 3-year journey through brain surgery and its aftermath. for the purpose of clarity I think is important to point out that John actually has two totally separate issues going on here, for one he sees a neurologist for the other a neurosurgeon.

1. Neurologist: A few weeks ago John had a VERY encouraging appointment with the neurologist where he learned that after his next appointment (I think in 6 months) as long as he has had no additional episodes, the neurologist will discontinue his anti-seizure meds. One other encouraging neurologist note: it was revealed that while a diagnosis of seizures cannot totally be ruled out, our neurologist does not think the episodes John has been plagued with are seizures. He feels they are a result of anxiety/stress. That is VERY good news.

2. Neurosurgeon: Last week was John's appointment with the neurosurgeon and that was not quite as encouraging. Because John's neck pain is just NOT improving, Dr. Ahuja is ordering an MRI to see if John will need to have surgery to fuse the vertebrae in his neck. [DON'T even get me STARTED on the fear, anxiety, dread that rises in my belly at the thought of that concept! In fact for several days, I have been in denial pretending that the doctor didn't even say that.] When the piece of John's skull was removed and remodeled, it shifted the weight distribution on his neck. Previously bulging discs in his neck which had never caused THAT much discomfort are now bearing MUCH more of the weight of his head; therefore, the pain will not subside. We are waiting for a call from Aurora to schedule the MRI and have also taken the preemptive measure of finally scheduling a chiropractor appointment for John. For the past three years, John has craved, yet feared, returning to the chiropractor. The thought of being adjusted even with modifications made to compensate for the change to the structure of his skull/neck is NOT appealing. Well the threat of surgery was just the shove he needed. We are praying that through our trusted and beloved chiropractor of over 20 years, God will bring the healing and relief necessary to avoid another surgery.

3. You know when I was a student in a Christian jr. hi/high school, I used to HATE it when people had "unspoken" prayer requests. The "unspoken" made me too darn curious, and it seemed kinda oxymoronic to SPEAK an UNSPOKEN request.  Regardless, here I am about to do it myself. There are several nuances to this health trial we are working our way through that I just don't feel released by God to share the details of... they are private... confidential... yet AGONIZING. Please, please, please, when lifting us up, keep in mind that the things I've shared represent the part of the iceberg which is visible above the water line. Please take a moment to pray over the gargantuan chunk of ice hidden beneath the water's surface too.

As always, we are SAFE and SURE in the capable hands of our Father. We know our lives, our health our very existence are under HIS watchful eye. He controls our destiny. He directs our fate. But we wouldn't mind having a little prayer support from our faithful brothers and sisters in Christ too.

And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

I *heart* the body of Christ!

I have been meaning to blog about this for several days, but I have been a little bit busy with mi vida loca.

I <3 the body of Christ! I <3 that whenever one of us is down and out, the others rise up to support the failing member. I <3 the OUTPOURING of support we received ONCE AGAIN last week:  people praying for us, verses being text to my phone at JUST the right moment, YUMMY casseroles and lasagnas arriving to nourish our physical bodies, words of encouragement sent from FAR away...

I think that the body of Christ is the MOST beautiful and amazing thing in this world and I just <3 being a part of this family of Christ.

Thank you one and all! Your continued support and love is more valuable to us than you will EVER know!

Sunday Update....

John is home!!!  I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but it is always such a WHIRLWIND at end. Thursday just after lunch they discharged him. We have an appointment with our neurosurgeon tomorrow morning and are HOPEFUL we will be able to convince him to allow John to return to work on Tuesday (prayer request #1) as he will be using the last of his currently accrued vacation hours tomorrow.

Other than some sluggishness in his right leg which makes him walk a little slower (prayer request #2), he is feeling fine. The new med combination has not left him dizzy at all. So in a roundabout way it is VERY good that he ended up in the hospital this week... as it seems to have led to a tweaking of his meds which will leave him feeling MUCH better on a daily basis.

The children are especially glad to have him home and all but Noah have rapidly bounced back from their worries and fear. Noah still is a bit clingy to John and I see the worry in his eyes (prayer request #3). The problem is he is old enough to know that this is all a bit scary.

As always thank you for your continued prayer support.  We are about to leave for church. Finally, starting the journey of finding a new church (it's been over a month that we've lived here! we have to get going on this). Hopeful one of these closer ones we are trying first will be "it."

May you have a blessed Sunday...

This morning...

This morning is a GOOD morning... I will BELIEVE that even if I have to WILL it into being good!

John -- is out of the ICU and on a regular floor. We are HOPING and PRAYING they will send him home today. He is feeling fine; however, he still does not have much use of his right arm & leg. The tests AGAIN revealed no seizure activity, but that is what they are treating him for... they are going to tweak his medication and hope to find a combination that prevents the seizures without making him dizzy.

Jami -- living on very little sleep right now and COMPLETELY unable to cancel any cheerleading practices as this Saturday is the debut of our competition routine at Saber Showcase. I'm also VERY weary from trying to help my children through this most recent turn of events. In the past, their fears haven't been much of a factor. I don't know if they are getting older now or if they are just have a better history to remember what all of this means and will likely bring about in their lives, but they are having a hard time.

Noah -- struggling A LOT with this recent event. Please pray for him and for us to have the words to minister peace to his troubled soul.

Jeremiah -- doing pretty well... my little prayer warrior... he is SUCH an angle from above!

Elijah -- normally not very phased by all this hospital hoopla is also showing signs of wear and tear.... I can see in his eyes and hear in his questions that this is getting a little scary for him too.

Hannah -- NOT doing well... her daddy is her light and she is having a hard time this go round... the other night the boys were wearing John's necklaces and every time she saw one she burst into tears crying, "I want daddy." We had to tuck the necklaces away for the night to avoid more drama.

Thank you so much for your continued prayer support. Hopefully tomorrow when I post, John will be sleeping in his own bed!

Why we moved to the city....

So this is it... why we moved to the city...

John is back in the hospital. I got the call at about 11 a.m. yesterday.... he needed to go to the ER. By the time I arrived at MU, fire trucks, an ambulance, public safety and the police were already onsite. We took the same little jaunt over to the ER and then a transfer back to that same old neuro ICU.  The working theory is that it is another seizure. Currently, he is responsive and back to being himself, but he is still suffering from significant weakness in his right arm and right leg. Word is that they are going to keep him till tomorrow.... I am not thrilled about that and we are going to express our disapproval of that concept; however, since our neurosurgeon is currently at a conference I fear this fill-in doctor may keep him longer just because he is not as familiar with John's situation. :(

So how can you be praying... I have received that question several times via FB already... here it goes:

***pray that the dr.'s will be able to tweak John's medication to control the seizures without making him so dizzy.
***pray for our children -- this is really starting to take a toll on them (especially Noah) we had to do an impromptu run up to the hospital at 10:30 p.m. for a little daddy loving to calm the fears and tears

***PRAISE God that we are back in the city!!!!  I SERIOUSLY must have thought 100x yesterday, "I'm so glad we aren't an hour away! I'm so glad we aren't an hour away!"  I can hardly express how DIFFERENT this time is because I have this underlying sense of PEACE flowing like a quiet river under the chaos... we are just minutes away... we are just minutes away... Yeah he can't drive for 3 months again (never actually went back to driving yet anyway)... but we're just minutes away... Yeah my kids are being bounced around between family members a little... but they are just minutes away... Yeah this is scary and stressful and exhausting but in His great wisdom God staged that ridiculously QUICK move back to the city and we were PERFECTLY in place for this very time.... and we're just MINUTES away....

To close I want to re-share my life verse.... Through the MANY different seasons of my life God has revealed the many different facets of this verse and showed me over and over and over again how it applies to SO MANY diametrically opposed situations:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

He KNOWS the plans! don't you worry! He has PLANS for you! Plans to prosper you! Plans to give you hope! Plans to give you a FUTURE!

God bless everyone. I promise to try to stay in better touch over the next few days so you all know how John is doing.

The load we bear...

Good morning everyone. I've spent a few days trying to catch up around here (and officially accepting the cheer coaching position at Heritage Christian School... Go Patriots!) and feel people may be wondering how things are going around here.

John is doing better physically. He seems to be adapting to his anti-seizure medication. While he is still dizzy, he now at least looks like he resides in this world, instead of appearing to be in la-la land all the time. The biggest prayer need related to John is for his spirit. He is just so DISCOURAGED... For a man who has always prided himself on his strength and power, being reduced to an infirm, restricted patient is NOT easy.

Jami is hanging in there. A little daunted by the task of taking care of EVERYTHING around this house again, but obviously not THAT scared as I still said yes to the cheerleading position.

Kids are fine. They are showing the wear and tear of their situation a little... one-by-one they have been dropping like flies to some icky cold bug that no doubt thought four slightly sleep deprived kiddos were a perfect target. But other than that they are doing well.

Laundry will be conquered TODAY!

Last night as we lay in bed, I could see how discouraged John was. I told him, "Babe, I know it stinks to keep going through this, AND I know this isn't fun to hear, but God is allowing us to bear this load because he knows we are strong enough to carry it." It is the Danielle Mabrey effect. When I had Danielle Mabrey on my squad, I knew that if I gave her something it would get DONE. It would be done on time. It would be done CORRECTLY. I never had to worry about that. As a result, I gave Danielle Mabrey more to do than I gave others. Was this fair? Not really. I was basically "rewarding" Danielle for being responsible by giving her more duties. But was it smart? Yups. Because Danielle had the tools to get the job done, it was the right decision to trust her with more.

I believe that is why we are "here again" in this muddle of this brain nonsense. God knows our shoulders are big and the size of our faith matches them. He knows that we trust Him. Is it fair that John Kastner has to deal with not one but THREE separate brain episodes, NEVER completely getting rid of them in between episodes? NOPE. But is it smart? Yups! Who better to proclaim God's power to the world that a stubborn, crusty old guy who refuses to give up and his Pollyanna-ish wife who never stops telling the whole world what they are going through??? We have the tools to get the job done.

So here's the lesson part:

What you are struggling with RIGHT now... What you are going through... I do NOT believe God would have allowed it into your life if He weren't SURE that you had the tools to get the job done. I'm not saying it will be EASY. I'm not saying you won't cry, scream, doubt or fear. But you WILL get the job done!

So go do it!

Silver linings...

Phew! am I TIRED! The day went much as I suspected it would...with a few surprises thrown in for good measure... got to sleep in (woken by an unexpected call from my dear friend... didn't mind being woken AT ALL because phone chats with her are a RARE treat)... jetted downstairs to try to call through my work.... left a message for Dr. Ahuja's staff at 8 on the dot... was racing through all my work calls when I saw the number on my caller id... (it is SO sad that I know the first three numbers to the St. Luke's complex by heart)... Just as I suspected, Dr. Ahuja wanted to see John today. So I finished my work calls, loaded up the car (my plan was to jinx myself into NOT being admitted to the hospital by OVER-preparing... I KNOW we don't believe in jinxes BUT), I packed EVERYTHING, spare outfit for EVERYONE, laptop w/charger, phone chargers, contact case and glasses, my crochet bag, Auntie Marge... We put Kiah on the leash to stay outside all day so we wouldn't have a peed bed upon our return and LEFT...

We headed to my parents house (btw.. this is a WHOLE nother blog, BUT I have THE single most amazing family in the world... didn't even have to ASK my sisters to take charge of AM and the kiddos for me... just started the request... they knew where I was going... and VOILA I was at the neurosurgeon sitting peacefully next to ONLY John crocheting my little fingers off as we waited to see the Dr.)

Dr. Ahuja agreed with wacky Waukesha Memorial doctor (kinda).... He agree that John had another seizure... He agreed that it was likely related to that old aneurysm... However, he did not agree with the medication prescribed OR much else... He concurred what the pharmacist had revealed and discontinued TWO of John's current meds....  The anti-seizure meds that the Waukesha Memorial doctor put John on (along with a crazy high dosage) are what is causing the INTENSE dizziness. Dr. Ahuja prescribed a lower dosage of something different to prevent another seizure.

Here's the scoop:

John is out of work for the next 2 weeks.
After that, he can return to work with no restrictions other than that he cannot drive for another 4 weeks.
He has to see a neurologist about the seizures (we are already established with one in Hartford).
It was MENTIONED that if the medicine does not control the seizures, they would do surgery on the aneurysm. (but that is a WHOLE nother ball of wax that I am just LEAVING in my Lord's hands and REFUSING to worry about)

I am CHOOSING to look at the silver linings:

***We did NOT get admitted to the hospital, nor did we have to schedule another angioplasty of the aneurysm as had been suggested in the first call to the doctor.
***I got a LOT of my crocheting done while we waited.
***I get an ENTIRE two weeks with my baby home... a quieter pace... less chaos...
***The dizziness should subside shortly and will NOT be something John has to live with the rest of his life.

I just won't even focus on the negatives... I'm not even ALLOWING them into the perimeter of my vision! My God will take care of the icky parts and I'm just gonna PRAISE Him for the good parts... THE END!

Thank you for your continued prayers. I'm off to Walmart to get some scrips filled!

Who to believe....

Well, good morning all. Sorry I didn't get an update posted yesterday... Catching up is not for the faint of heart! Even though my neighbor took the time to do ALL of my dishes while she was caring for my aunt and the dog in our absence, I still had quite a bit to catch up on around here:

*TONS of laundry
*a little shopping
*cleaning up after what looked like a tornado blew through our house
*making lists titled: What to bring if I'm rushing out the door to the ER. and What medications John takes.
*making dinner
*showering the elderly and infirm that I care for
*loving on my babies who I missed SO much during that 24 hour hiatus

I wanted to provide a few more details so you can be praying:

1. we are trying to get in touch with OUR neurosurgeon. We are NOT at peace about what the neurologist at Waukesha Memorial told us, prescribed, et al... He (after just two tests and seeing John two times) basically contradicted MUCH of what our neurosurgeon has told us over the past 2 1/2 years. We are VERY confused and don't trust him at all because we trust Dr. Ahuja. We did not fill the medication the Wauk Mem doctor gave us (in fact even the pharmacist said, "Wow! this is a drastic change from what he's been on in the past... and there is a current med that should be discontinued if they are going to take this route.") and have left a message with Dr. Ahuja's office this morning. We are waiting to see what OUR doctor has to say.

2. John is bouncing back a little, but he is still VERY dizzy. He lost his balance this morning and fell to the ground. Thank goodness he was in an open area and there was nothing for him to knock his head on!

I wanted to say THANK YOU for all your support. You just do NOT know how much even just a short e-mail or quick comment means to us. Just knowing that we are on so many people's hearts and minds and most importantly in your prayers really buoys us during these times.

I'm sorry if I don't take the time to answer each e-mail and comment... I'm just way beyond swamped and trying HARD to listen to my Momma's nagging, "Take care of YOURSELF, Jami!" It is hard to keep all these balls in the air AND make sure I am getting a little rest too... So please forgive me if I don't reply to your messages... know that I DO appreciate them and I am FOREVER grateful for your support.

Finally, to the lesson part... I updated my boss this morning and in her reply she said, "I'll bet you wonder what the heck is going on and who to believe?" It got me thinking... I know she meant "who to believe" in reference to which doctor to believe... but the first thing that flew into my mind is I know who to believe.... I believe God... and He says he will never leave me or forsake me... He says He has a plan to give me a hope and a future... He says consider the lilies of the field....

I know who to believe. And I'm believing He will carry us through this yet again.

Thanks!

The Hand of God....

We're home... I'm exhausted... I am suffering from a VICIOUS sleep deprivation headache, BUT I have to stay up a little longer to get our comforter out of the dryer (puppy left alone had an accident on our bed). Before I go to bed I wanted to quickly give credit to the Hand of God which was ALL over this most recent chapter in the saga of our life.

1. Atlanta... In August, we made plans for me to take a "women's retreat" to see my brown-skinned Momma in Atlanta. We put it on our calendar, scheduled it with Ros, and started shopping for airplane tickets. Just a few days before I needed to buy my ticket, I started to get this catch in my spirit... This just wasn't the right timing. I told Ros that with how much John's pain had been flaring up, I did not have a peace about flying to Atlanta and leaving him with the children. What if he had a flare up while I was gone? Then a few weeks ago my writing job TANKED out of the blue. I thought, "See! That's what God was protecting me from!" I figured God was protecting me from the "leanness" of our budget. Until Friday night... see my trip was scheduled from Thursday 10/20 to Sunday 10/23. I would have been IN Atlanta when John had the seizure.

2. Jean & Tanisha... Last night as we drove to McDonald's to get dinner, Tanisha said, "I'm just so glad we got home in time." Apparently she and Jean had been out running errands. They arrived home just 10 minutes before John started seizing. If they had not arrived home when they did, Noah would have been handling the situation virtually alone. As it is Noah was very traumatized by what he witnessed. I can only imagine what would have happened if he had been alone.

Besides these two MAJOR examples, there were many, many small things God worked out to bring the best outcome possible for us.

Now I know that some of you may be reading this thinking, "This girl is LOONY!" Her husband just had his second seizure in a year, his fourth hospitalization in just over two years.... his condition is unknown [we're just waiting till Monday to connect with John's neurosurgeon... no answers... no clue...] right now... our future is quite uncertain.

But I am not CRAZY! I saw the Hand of God ALL over this latest episode and it ENCOURAGED me in the midst of my terror... it calmed me in the midst of the storm....

I have NO idea why God is taking us through yet ANOTHER season of this nonsense.... I don't know if my faith needs to be perfected... I don't know if my spirit needs to be broken... I don't know if one of my readers needs to be encouraged by my testimony...I have NO idea... but you know what? I don't have to know WHY I am going through this... I just have to know WHO is taking me through... and He is right by my side... He orchestrated every last detail of this ICKY situation because He had OUR best interests in mind.

Last night when I finally got to the emergency room, Noah came to me and collapsed in my arms.

I said, "Noah, I am SO proud of how you responded today! You were SO brave!"
He said, "But mom I was SO afraid!"
I told him, "Noah, courage is not about whether you were afraid or not. Courage is being afraid and acting anyway."

Tonight I tell you, "Readers... faith isn't about whether you're afraid or not... faith is about trusting God even WHEN you are afraid."

I'm not gonna lie... I am TERRIFIED of the medical cesspool I am swimming in right now... but even though I'm afraid, I trust God. I know His Hand is over me... I know He has me covered.'

Thank you for your prayers! I feel them keeping me strong!

You just never know....

I woke up late this morning... because John didn't have to work, we slept in till nearly 7 which put me 2 hours behind... so I didn't hop in the shower... I just raced downstairs to start my busy work day. John and Noah left right away to meet up with Dave Loftis (John's former Pastor) and then head over to work on his sister's house.

I was busier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger in the basement. I had been FLOODED with work Wednesday and Thursday so I was working, working, working.... I laid down next to Hannah to get her to fall asleep and woke up to a call from John. The second he started talking, I could tell something was not right. When I asked, he said, "I just don't feel well." I asked him to explain.... He said his face was tingling and his arm was numb. I had him call Noah over... I asked Noah to have John squeeze both of his hands. Noah started saying, "Daddy... Daddy..." He said, "Mom, Dad's not answering me." A flurry of activity began:

"Auntie Jean's calling 911."
I flew out of bed... started throwing on clothes and shouting to the kids... "Get dressed! We're leaving NOW!"
I headed down the hallway to tell Auntie Marge, "John is being taken to the hospital. We are leaving."
Took a second to text my sister, "It's happening again. John is being 911'd to the hospital. Spread the word and pray!"
As I jetted to the car, snatching my purse from the coat hook, I called the neighbor, "Rushing to the hospital... can you check in on Auntie Marge later?"
Hopped in the car only to have a call from the paramedic, "Mrs. Kastner, can you give us your husband's health history?"
As I rattled off the details I knew by heart, I lost the call. FLIPPIN cell coverage in the boonies!!!
Called the EMTs back... finished the health history. Called my nephew and my sister to get directions to the hospital.
Flying down the country highways.... the gas light turned on! GRRRRR! Really???? Stopped for gas... called John's daughters... took a call from Noah... talked to my sister... called Joe Prag to tell him not to meet John at his sister's this afternoon.... talked to John's mom... talked to my mom... yet STILL I had time left to kill and worries FILLING my head... I called my other sister to gab and have her keep my mind off my worries.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I wanted to scream! I wanted to cry! I wanted to rage at the world! I don't want to do this again! I didn't want to do this tonight (or EVER). I'm tired! It's been a long week!


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So here I sit... we've been admitted to the hospital for testing... they think it is a seizure (which was the suspected culprit last year) but they have to do more testing to be sure.

This sure wasn't part of our plan for the weekend... tonight was supposed to be an NCIS marathon... tomorrow Savana's birthday party for the kids while John & I went on a date.... Sunday Amanda & James over for dinner...

Instead it was John's sister and boyfriend, niece and boyfriend, Amanda and James, the kids and I eating McD in the lobby of the emergency room tonight. Tomorrow, the kids will still get to go to Savana's party... doubt John will be released from this place in time for our date.... Noah stayed at the hospital with us (he by the way was VERY freaked out by the entire experience -- praying for God to remove the terrifying memories from his head).

I guess it just goes to show... that you NEVER know what each day will bring... kiss the ones you love... be GLAD if you are at home tonight instead of at the hospital... remember that we are NEVER promised the plans we've made for tomorrow... And just be GRATEFUL for what you have...

I am! I am GRATEFUL that John is in a hospital room instead of the morgue. I am GRATEFUL that my babies have an Oma & Poppa who love them and take them in without a second thought. I am GRATEFUL that I wasn't in Atlanta this weekend like I was supposed to be. I am GRATEFUL that Jean & Tanisha came home just 10 minutes before John's seizure so Noah wouldn't have to handle that alone. I am grateful for neighbors who let out my dog and take care of my aunt. I am grateful for stepdaughters who RUSH to the hospital to help. I am GRATEFUL!!!!!

Have a great night all! Love to all my Facebook friends! (WOW! my FB notifications are INSANE tonight!) our family, our neighbors, our friends... who have COVERED us in a blanket of prayer, rushed in to take care of us, stood on the ready... we literally COULD NOT make it through these things without all of you.  THANKS!

I made it through...

Yesterday as I was driving Hannah to a follow-up appointment with Dr. Patterson, it came across the wires... Matt Redman "You Never Let Go." That's been the theme song through this recent trial... In fact, it is what I was singing to Hannah as I held her, waiting for her to come out of anesthesia.... And oddly, (well maybe not so oddly) she has been singing it ever since her surgery too. It was a gentle touch from God. A little reminder, that He's there... He's always there.

I started to think about the rest of the soundtrack of my life. See music is so powerful for me, and it seems every season of my life comes with a theme song.  Of course, John & I have a song... I chose songs for each of my babies when they were born. In addition, every tough thing I have gone through has a song that "attaches" to it. It was either a song that "got me through" the season or sometimes a song that came out after the fact that reminds me of the time, but regardless when I hear the song, powerful emotions surge. It is as if I'm transported back in time. I can feel the emotions, feel, wonder, excitement of that season of life as real as if it was just yesterday!

I always mean to burn a mix CD of the songs... problem is life keeps adding more songs to my list :)  Here's a little snippet:

Blessed Be Your Name - when Luke was diagnosed with Leukemia
Praise You in This Storm - financial devastation of 2005
By Your Side - tumultuous summer of 2009
Stronger - John's Brain Surgery
You Never Let Go - Hannah's Eye Surgery

But see yesterday as that song came on the radio, a thought was planted in my soul and this morning it grew into a big grown up concept to blog about.

Here's the thing with all those songs.... Here's the thing with all those seasons... They represent the PAST... I'm through them. A few of those songs still stab me like a hot poker in the gut when I hear them. Some of them bring a warm fuzzy, my God carried me through that feeling. And some of them cause my hackles to rise as I get myself in fighting stance ready to kick the devil's butt for what he tried to take from me. This morning though it occurred to me.... All of those seasons are IN THE PAST.  

I remember that I feared losing my husband... I remember fearing being evicted because we couldn't pay the rent... I remember having the air socked out of my gut with one word, "Leukemia".... I remember the constant dread of lining the bills up against the salaries and ALWAYS coming up WAY short.... I remember the cloak of humiliation I couldn't seem to shake because of the financial troubles we were struggling under.... I remember telling God time and time again that SURELY His bookkeeper had lost track and Jami Lynn Kastner was getting HER share of struggles and someone else's too....  Mostly I remember feeling that SURELY this would be the one thing to "do me in"..... SURELY I would NOT make it through THIS struggle... this battle for my life, heart and soul... But guess what everyone??? I did.  I made it through. Sometimes it wasn't pretty. Sometimes I could have stood taller. Sometimes I should have trusted more or held it together longer, BUT regardless I MADE IT THROUGH!

Someone out there needs to hear this today!  You are facing one of those bloody knuckle, gripping for dear life, I canNOT do THIS one more second situations! You feel at the end of your rope, strength depleted, can't see two feet in front of you, hope tank on E. But I'm here to tell you, "HANG ON!" You will make it through. And when you're at the end of your rope... when you have NOTHING left... when you are empty... you are in the PERFECT place for Him to work.

One day in the not too distant future, maybe you too will have a song that triggers memories of this time, this season in life. Your gut may knot up in remembrance. Your heart may surge a little. But then you will STOP and realize, "I MADE IT THROUGH!"  Please hang on.  Please stand strong. You WILL make it through!

Just DO it....

SOUL SURFER!!!!

[spoiler alert! spoiler alert! not that we ALL don't know the Bethany Hamilton story already but SPOILER ALERT!]

We got this movie in the mail from Netflix the week before's Hannah's Surgery and we watched it at least 8 times before we FINALLY sent it back.  To say that we LOVED it is the HUGEST understatement in the world!

*We have ALWAYS loved Anna Sophia Robb.  Bridge to Terabithia??? Need I say MORE???
*Good, clean, FAMILY entertainment... no cussing to bleep out, no wild sex scenes to explain away, none of any of that stuff I always say, "Now they could have done without THAT." about.
*It was nice to see a cinematic example of the family we strive to be. One that loves God and family. One that finds it NORMAL to love God and serve Him. One that HOMESCHOOLS without denim jumpers!!!

But the BIGGEST and BEST part of this movie is the PURE, UNABASHED INSPIRATION!

What a girl! What a family! What a STORY!

Because I am a mom, the mom parts TORE me apart!
*Bethany's mom thanking the family friend who was INSTRUMENTAL in saving Bethany's life.
*Bethany's mom holding it together when the doctor unwrapped Bethany's bandages and then collapsing in the arms of her husband afterward.

But the single most poignant moment for me... the reason I couldn't blog about this movie until now....

Bethany just got attacked by the shark. The ambulance is racing her to the hospital and passes her mom's minivan on the road, and her mom tearfully cries out to God, "Please don't take her! Please don't take her!"

I can't even BLOG about that part without crying!!!  It was poignant to me because I am a mom, and I would have BAWLED at that part even if my daughter wasn't about to go "under the knife."  But every time we watched that movie, I cried out along with her... crying on behalf of MY baby, "Please don't take her!"

See here is the conundrum I live in. I love God. I trust God. I KNOW God. But I have been around on this earth long enough to know that bad things happen ALL the time. I have seen enough to know that people who LOVE God lose people they love ALL THE TIME!

I have a KEEN and ACUTE awareness that these four precious, AMAZING, beautiful, smart, funny, God-loving beings are NOT mine.  They are merely on loan to me. Their Father has entrusted me with their care for as long as they are on this earth, but they really truly aren't MINE.

And as much as I know that God WOULD get me through the loss of this flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone, my stomach was in KNOTS for the week leading up to the surgery because I did not WANT to have to walk down that road.

Sometimes that is just how it goes. I know that God has my back. He has walked me through some hellish situations in this life, and He has never ONCE left my side. I know that WHATEVER I face, He is right by my side. Yet there are some roads, I'd just rather not walk down. Maybe you're facing one of those situations right now. Maybe there is something ahead of you... You're not really AFRAID of it, but you just aren't thrilled about walking through it. I just want to tell you, that's okay. You don't have to WANT to do it. You just have to DO IT. One foot in front of the other. Keep on moving. Like Nike says, "JUST DO IT!"

Hannah Banana

(just an aside... did you ever hear the story where someone asked Hannah what her last name was and she said, "Banana?"  FUNN-EEEE!)

Hannah Beth is doing GREAT! We saw the doctor yesterday morning. She said that Hannah's eyes look GREAT! The weird discoloration we are seeing in one of her eyes is similar to a bruise turning yellow and green prior to fading. It is okay that the bloodiness is fading at different rates in each of her eyes. Her eye alignment looks VERY straight which means she is seeing better and her vision in that crossing eye will still be able to properly develop. The "pain" Hannah is reporting is likely simply for a little more attention. I had wondered that; however, with the AWFUL way her eyes look I was not able to be an impartial judge tthe topic. I kept getting distracted by how scary her eyes looked.

In fact, today when she told me her eyes hurt and I tried distracting her she said, "But I want to go see Dr. Patterson." She is still taking the drops like a champ, and she is (with the doctor's okay) running about a little. Although she is still firmly entrenched in Momma and Daddy's bed each night (aye carumba!)  Still I don't think that's too bad.

Thank you all again for praying us through this far!  Hannah doesn't have to see the doctor again until 8/29. So I'll give you all a report then.

[I tried but I can't get a pic of her icky eyes... I mean they are still beautiful but they are all bloody in the corners.]