Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Battered and bruised....

There are people in this world who wound you no matter how gently you touch them. Even when you reach out to help or to offer an encouraging word.... you come away from encounters with them battered and bruised.

I don't know why these people are that way. Do they TRY to stab at the heart of you? Are they just carelessly flinging their words about? I'm not sure I care. Why they do things doesn't really heal the damage they have done.

[Before I go any further.... because I know I will get a call/text/email about this.... THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE I AM RELATED TO! And I am PURPOSELY being vague because I don't believe in using my blog to call people out.... but rather I like to use my blog as a vehicle for dissecting the things I'm going through.... writing is my therapy (even when I do it huddled over a smartphone and pecking away with my thumbs like this) I blog to work my way through my feelings and I have a public blog so others can stumble across my mad hot mess and find encouragement or understanding... NOT so I can tell the world with whom I had a prickly encounter today. There.... now let's get on with it.]

Soooooo back to the wounds from a "friend".....

When I hear that quote, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I think of myself. See I am the ETERNAL optimist. No matter how often a person has shattered my heart I keep believing, next time they won't. I give 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances where they are in NO WAY warranted. I just keep on hoping that people will behave nicely. And over and over and over again I am disappointed because of that hopeful outlook.

Left here after a firm slap in the face I ponder (not to sound trite) "What would Jesus do?"  And here's what I think He would do.... He wouldn't stop loving.... He wouldn't stop reaching out His hand to try to gently touch another.... He wouldn't give up hope that next time will be different.

For tonight I hope its okay if I just hide in my corner licking my wounds. But don't you worry.... tomorrow I will get back up again, dust the debris off my seat, wipe the snot from my nose, pull up my big girl panties and get back to loving... NO MATTER WHAT. But not tonight... I hope its okay if I just whimper in my bed with the covers pulled up tight for awhile...

Goodnight everyone...

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Thoughts on being a mom.....

I woke up this Mother's Day morning crowded in my king size bed by three of my sweet babies and quickly came to the realization that my Great Aunt was having an accident in the bathroom. I had fallen asleep the night before after comforting a puking child and cleaning up after the devastation that wrought. As I bathed my aunt and cleaned the bathroom up after her, it dawned on me that THIS series of events was the PERFECT representation of what being a mom is all about.

Being a mom isn't about flowers and brunches and homemade cards. It is disgusting and heart-wrenching and quite often just plain ugly. It is about a broken-hearted child whose friend betrayed him... It is about weird lumps and waiting for test results.... It is about snotty noses, dirty bottoms and spewing puke... It is about reminding children over and over and over, "The Bible says...." It is about molding and training and WORKING very, very, VERY hard to "train up a child."

But you know what? This disgusting, heart-wrenching, UGLY job is the best one I have ever had! Because all this hard work.... all the wading through refuse.... all the tears cried and worries held at bay... result in these AMAZING little pieces of Heaven that I know I had a hand in molding.

See it is the WHOLE theme of this life.... the BEST things.... the things that are most worthwhile.... the things that are MOST worth having in this world come after hard work and tears.  So keep at it my friends! Whether "it" is being a mom, fighting cancer, making ends meet....  DON'T GIVE UP! If it is hard work, chances are the reward will be VERY valuable.

Happy Mother's Day!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

the private things.....

Some things are just TOO private for even ME to blog about.  One happened today... I guess maybe it wasn't too private too ever blog about.... I just had to keep it close to my coat at first because I guess I wasn't real sure what to say... That's right... ME the one who is NEVER at a loss for words, didn't know what to say. I actually don't think I was at a LOSS for words I think I was at an overload of words. There was SUCH a jumble I couldn't focus on one thought so I stayed quiet instead.  Here's what happened...

On April 14, I went for my very first mamogram EVER (YES! I know I was over two years late! Cut me some slack we've had a few medical things happen in the past 2 years.). On April 17, they called and said I needed to come back for more images and possibly an ultrasound. Terror, calm, worry, peace, fear, SURENESS... assaulted me without letting up. My heart SCREAMED, God is in control. He holds your future in His capable hands. But my head SHOUTED BACK, that doesn't mean He won't walk us down yet another scary and difficult road.

I asked a few to pray for me. I prayed my guts out. And I waited.

Today I went for my additional images. I had to have SEVERAL mammography images done and an ultrasound and I waited... A LOT. Finally the doctor came in. [I remember it was a bit surreal. I kept thinking could he just CUT to the chase? and is this a moment that will change my life? and Lord hold me close, I'm quite a bit scared.]  The end result is: The radiologist is confident that this is normal tissue for me, but just to be safe it will be re-examined in six months.

I'm still not sure WHAT to say about this. It is all just raw and quite honestly a bit terrifying. I just know in my heart (in fact I knew back on April 18th) God doesn't want me to stay silent on this. I knew He would call me to reveal it, in spite of its embarrassing/sensitive subject. I'm still not sure why. See back on April 18, I thought I would be called to share so other people "waiting" in similar situations could be encouraged.... problem is, while I sorta got a green flag... I'm also still waiting a little... waiting for 6 months. so I'm not sure how encouraging that is.

Maybe the answer.... Maybe the reason for sharing is this:

Whether the answer is positive, negative or somewhere in between isn't what really matters.... He is with me REGARDLESS of the answer.  That's what matters. There was a moment in the waiting area... I had already had two different sets of mammograms and they had announced that I would need the ultrasound... I was sitting there in that treacherous hospital gown, trying not to expose anything and growing more fearful by the moment and then I had a vision of God sitting in the empty chair next to me with His arm around my shoulder. My heart calmed and my soul realized... He is there.  He is ALWAYS there.

Hope this encourages someone.... otherwise I just spilled out this terrifying, embarrassing mess for NOTHING!

God bless, everyone.

Friday, May 4, 2012

A week of failure....

*We haven't had clean towels in this house all week.
*I forgot to give Novenah her medicine AGAIN.
*I bought takeout this week in spite of the fact that my freezer held 4 casseroles.
*"Am I failing my kids in homeschooling" is a CONSTANT question I ask myself...this week the answer seems to be "yes" as an EPIC fail in swim both reminded me WHY I homeschool while at the SAME TIME making me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job at homeschooling.
*The counter has had dirty dishes on it all week.
*I'm sick and exhausted and NOT getting enough sleep.
*and a MYRIAD of other tiny little failures...

This week has been FULL of situations that have left me feeling "less than." I remember once at a teachers' convention many years ago, listening to someone say that it takes 10 positive comments to make up for just 1 negative comment. Well this week I need about 1K positive comments to outweigh all the negative I have "heard."

If I'm being fair, I suppose there have been PLENTY of good things too:

*Had my yearly review this week. My boss basically told me I'm fabulous. She doesn't know what she'd do without me.
*The kids have FINALLY almost finished Alice in Wonderland and Elijah VOLUNTARILY took on his first chapter book this week (Black Beauty)
*No one in this house went without food, love and care this week.
*The house didn't burn down.
*The car didn't break down.
*The world didn't cease to rotate.

Yet the negative things scream SO MUCH LOUDER! You're not good enough, Jami! You're not doing enough, Jami! You could be better, Jami! I hear these messages so much more clearly than: Your kids love Jesus, Jami! Your a fabulous reference checker, Jami! Your caring for MANY people with LOVE, Jami!

I'm not sure what the lesson of this blog is. I want it to be something positive.  Maybe it is found in this excerpt from the letter I wrote to my brother who is away at basic training right now:

I imagine you are called names a bit in basic training huh??? You just remember the names God calls you, Seth!  Precious! Chosen! The apple of His eye! Worth dying for! Be encouraged for what you are doing is building a GREAT future for yourself!
When I have a week of failure... When the accusations and failings are SCREAMING at me.... maybe I just need to remind myself:


Hope your week has been better than mine.  If it hasn't, just remind yourself:


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