Parenting

Being a parent is TOUGH....  Some of us signed up for this job.  We thought, "Hey... I'd like to have kids." and BOOM!  Baby makes 3 or 4 or 6.  Some of us weren't looking for the position but were instead thrust into it, "What does that second line on the stick mean???"  Some of us wanted it so bad that we were willing to do ANYTHING to get it.  Adoption... Fostering... In-vitro.... ANYTHING.

But regardless of how or why we became parents, it isn't easy..... In fact, it is the TOUGHEST job I never knew I could love so much.

He was just 4 or 5.  It was his first experience with a team sport.... T-ball. And this day was HIS turn to bring the snack.  It was a momentous occasion for a 4-year old.  Bringing the snack.... Feeling like king for the day... being POPULAR because of the treats he had in his possession.  I will NEVER as long as I live forget the feeling in my tummy when the boom of rejection fell. See someone had screwed up and scheduled TWO children to bring snack that day, and NO ONE.... I mean NOT ONE t-ball player took Noah's snack. Tears brimmed in his little 4-year old eyes as he said, "Momma, no one wanted my snack."  In a flash I realized this was just the beginning.... The future held MANY rejections that I would need to walk through with him:  "Momma, no one sat by me on the bus." "Momma, I was the last one picked for kickball." "Mom, she doesn't 'like' me."  "Mom, I lost my job."  My heart SCREAMED, "God I can't DO this! I can't watch my baby hurt!  I can't stand the pain of this MOST precious person being hurt."

Be still and know that I am God....

She was 5.  We had been told this moment was possible since she was 4 months old. But we had done EVERYTHING to prevent it... baby glasses, patches, baby bifocals, oh SO many doctor appointments.... Yet here we were in a small curtained area waiting for them to wheel our baby girl back and cut into her eyeballs to fix them.  She looked at me with terror in her eyes.  "Momma, don't let them TAKE me." her eyes screamed out at me.  I had MANY reasons why I was going to let them take her. I had her future vision, appearance, happiness on my side. I was RIGHT to let them do this.  But she didn't need to hear any of that. She didn't need my well-thought out defense. All she needed to hear was, "I'm sorry." and "I love you."  All the way down the hallway I heard her scream, "I want my Momma!  I want my Momma!" Those screams still echo in my heart.... and through my tears, I just whispered, "I'm sorry. I love you.  I'm sorry. I love you."

Be still and know that I am God....

My cheerleaders have tried to explain to me what subtweeting is... I just couldn't seem to get it, but recently I have started to realize that I guess I already am a master at it.  See sometimes the situations that plague my heart are too sensitive and too confidential to blab the details.  So I blog about related topics.  I blog about safer topics. I leave out the details... the names... the specifics. Most often to protect OTHERS who didn't sign up to be a part of my "bare naked honesty."  

That's what this blog is about today... it's not really about t-ball.... it's not really about eye surgery... But it IS about parenting.  And how difficult it is.... it was difficult when a teething baby BIT me while nursing... it was difficult when I was putting patches on a screaming 2-year old.... it was difficult when someone smeared butter in the screens and broke THREE toilets (all in one summer I might add).... it was difficult when we were deciding if we should homeschool... and the fact that I love these little people more than my own life and I realize what I am doing is worthwhile does not change the fact that PARENTING IS DIFFICULT! broken hearts... needing to simply say, "I'm sorry. I love you." and no more.  It is DIFFICULT!  

Be still and know that I am God....

To every parent reading this I'd just like to say:

Be still and know that I am God....

It is tough.  There are many times that aren't fun.  But He has this under control.  When you just want to SCREAM at the heartbreak your child is suffering.  When all you can say is, "I'm sorry.... I love you...."  He has this under control.  

I doubt this blog will minister to anyone else today... but as is typical for me writing out my angst has been therapeutic for me.  

Hope you have a GREAT day!

He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Psalm 46:10

Your children are your character references.....

I can't really remember where I first heard this statement, but over and over and OVER again I have been seeing the proof of its truth.

Your children are your character references.

However, as I ponder the idea it has led me to some strange places.... come along with me please. There might be a lesson for you too.

#1 My children are AWESOME character references. First of all, I admit that my babies still poo sitting down; however, they are pretty amazing kids (especially out in public). They LOVE. They SHARE. They are COMPASSIONATE. The are POLITE. [Quick story.... as we have been praying for a little girl June to get a liver, it started getting pretty desperate. Jeremiah said to me, "Mom, I want to give her my liver." With tears welling up in my eyes, I said, "Jeremiah, you can't live without your liver." He said, "I know mom."] So my kiddos are pretty AWESOME character references.

#2 However, lest you think I would be prideful about that, let me assure that

a. they have their bad moments too [Story #2.... not going to out the thief, but at a play date this weekend one of my kiddos used the "five finger discount" to abscond with someone's toy.]

and

b. I often wonder HOW these children turned out to be so kind, compassionate, caring... because MOST days I feel like my parenting skills are a MAD HOT MESS! [The other day found me NOT very kindly telling my little princess, "Remember the part in Cinderella BEFORE the fairy godmother showed up??? THAT is going to become your life if you don't stop CRYING every time I ask you do to a chore!!!"]

#3 (the conclusion of this blog) It isn't as much in the discipline method I use, the content of the lectures I give, even the consistency of the parenting I dispense. Children learn what they live. Now I am not ANYWHERE close to perfect. I erupt under pressure. I have VERY little self-control. I am OVERLY sensitive. I could list flaw after flaw after FLAW here but that is not the point of this blog. My children are loving, sacrificial, compassionate and polite because they spend a GREAT deal of their time with a woman who is these things too.  (Please don't take this as haughty... it's not!)  So when I am struggling with a poor behavior in my children (Noah is SO sarcastic at the ripe ole age of 13! NO ONE puts away ANYTHING when they are done with it so the house is constantly a mess and things are CONTINUALLY missing. My kids are PROS at ANGRY outbursts.) I need to examine my own self and see if it is possible (and likely it is) that they are seeing me model these behaviors. [Last quick story: Yesterday, Noah asked me a question and DRIPPING with sarcasm I answered him, "Maybe." The world stood still for a second as the Holy Spirit SCREAMED in my ear, "That's where he hears that sarcastic 'Maybe' he keeps answering you with!!!!!"]

So the application of this blog: for me at least is this.... My #1 parenting priority has to be pointing myself towards Christ. Modeling Him in ALL I say and do. Because these precious little beings I am raising (positive attributes and flaws) are taking their cues from ME!

Raising successful adults

Lately I've been thinking a lot about something my mother always tells me, "Jami, you're not raising successful children.  You're raising successful adults."  I think about it at many different times.  For example:

Jeremiah has recently taken up the annoying habit of ARGUING with everything I say.  In frustration one day, I irritatedly asked, "Why must you argue with EVERYTHING I say?"  I started pondering why he couldn't just DO WHAT I SAY without questioning me.  Then it hit me?  Is that what kind of adult I want him to be?  Do I want him unquestioningly obeying what a boss tells him to do?  What if the boss asks him to "cook the books?"  Is it even what kind of teenager I want him to be?  Do I want him unquestioningly obeying what a teacher tells him to do?  What if the teacher makes inappropriate advances towards him?  Is that what I REALLY want from my child?  DO WHAT I SAY without questioning?

That same night I called Jeremiah to me, and I told him that was not the kind of person I wanted him to be.  I wanted him to be someone who evaluated EVERYTHING in his heart against what the Bible says and came to his OWN conviction about what to do.  However, in a family, when he is a child, it is INEFFECTIVE for me to waste THAT much time arguing with him about everything I ask him to do.  Therefore, I told him each day he would start with five "argue" cards.  I continued on, explaining he needed to "spend" those argue cards wisely for when they were gone, he would not get anymore until the next day.  EACH argument should only be made after carefully considering what he was being asked to do and whether God would want him to do it and THEN choosing whether to argue or not.  I personally think this is a GREAT strategy (although I'll admit it has been a little rocky in the implementation phase).

It got me thinking, and I know that I am likely to start sounding like a radical liberal here; however.....  Why is it that so many of us, parents, expect our children to blindly obey us and then act surprised when they blindly follow their peers into sin?  Why is it that so many of us think the Bible tells us to train our children to be robots doing exactly what we tell them to instead of mature beings who can think for themselves.

I am NOT advocating anarachy.  I am NOT saying that parents should not have rules.  I am, however, proposing that possibly blind and swift obedience to our rules is not necessarily what we want.  I for one want to raise thinkers who base their choices on Biblical principles.  Therefore, I need to make sure my children KNOW the Bible and make sure I have taught them to THINK.  Finally, I have to show them how to STAND UP for what they believe.

This situation has gotten me re-evaluating MUCH of my parenting strategies in light of this one question:  Is this going to make my babies successful children or successful adults.  I have to admit:  many things are changing around this household after that scrutiny is applied.

So the next time you see me in Walmart arguing with a nine year old who wants to play in the video game room, don't raise your eyebrows and think, "Hmmmm I would NEVER tolerate such defiance."  Just lean over and ask me, "Did he pay you an argue card for that?"

Day 7... My final thoughts

So sorry I left you all hanging on the wrap up to the soul cleanse thing. It has been an INSANE week (more to follow in another blog) and I have not had a second to breathe much less blog.

I really enjoyed our endeavor. The soul cleanse revolutionized my life in a few areas, refreshed my soul and refocused my spirit. I highly recommend embarking on a week long "diet" for your spiritual life. I think we would all reap different benefits from one but we would ALL reap benefits.

Quick wrap-up then... What I learned from my soul cleanse:

***(for Jami Lynn Kastner) the TV is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. I do not do moderation well in just about ANY area of my life, and TV is an area where I just should not even start.

***children learn best by example. You can't tell your kids to love Jesus. You can't lecture or Bible read your kids into loving Jesus. You have to love Jesus with ALL of yourself and let them SEE how to love Jesus.

***A lot of the time, healing is like peeling an onion. The healing happens in layers. God peels off layers of hurt one at a time, so each underneath layer can get prepped before hitting the harsh, cruel elements outside the onion. I like that type of healing. While I'm impatient for the healing to be "complete," I like that God is gentle with me when healing me.

***My husband is an fountain of spiritual wisdom. Every once and a while like a geyser he spews forth some of that wisdom and I am amazed at what showers all around me. I am glad my children have THIS daddy for many reasons but mostly because of the spiritual things he reveals to them.

***I love Jesus. I just do. I love Him always, completely and FOREVER.

Day 6... ONE thing

The more we do Family Worship; the more I hear my children walking around with a song on their lips. The more we pray together; the longer and more in-depth my children's prayers become. The more we read the Bible; the more they talk about what is in the Bible. Basically, the more God they get; the more God they want!

That is the ONE thing. Of course, I want my children to have a good education. Of course, I want my children to be healthy. Of course, I want my children to grow up to be successful human beings. But if I give them NOTHING in this world, but this ONE thing: a love for Jesus Christ. I am a success.

Which is actually very humbling and convicting to me..... Where is that ONE thing in my life? Is it left for last after all my busyness? Is it smushed into the beginning of my day before I get started with work, laundry, schooling, meal prep? If that ONE thing is most important in my life, then why doesn't it LOOK most important in my life? Why isn't every week the way the last one has been? Saturated with God... Focused above... Bathed in holiness....

I think that is the challenge moving forward. We have one last day of our soul cleanse. But it won't end there. I have to carry my clean soul with me every single day and KEEP IT CLEAN too. Alas, I digress into tomorrow's topic....

Day 3... Epic Fail

Ugh! I was NOT a shining beacon of God's light today. Ugh.... This was a BAD day.

It all started because of the Kastner Family Homeschooling Doctrine. See our Statement of Faith on homeschooling does not include the words "Summer Break." From the Head Mistress's point of view, we do take a break in the summer because we only do reading and math. But the pupils of this Academy of Insanity do not see that as a break, and today they revolted over that fact. They whined their way through math, complained their way through flashcards, and gnashed their teeth through reading, and the teacher did NOT respond to the melee with grace.

I got frustrated. I was impatient. I muttered to myself, "THIS!?!?!? Is what I gave up my career for?!?!". It was not a banner day.

But even in an epic fail there is a lesson to be learned. Even in a major screw up there is value. By Family Worship time I had gotten control of my frustration and conviction had set in. We started with a lecture and then moved into a repentant spirit of worship. The first song had me on my knees bawling. I poured out my repentance to my God. By the time we closed in prayer, all hearts had repented and not many eyes were dry.

See sometimes a Momma has to teach her children what to do when they screw up, and oftentimes showing them what to do is better than telling them.

Birthday blog....

On the occasion of my birthday I thought I would reflect on what I've learned over the past 12 months. It's been a rocky year... one that resembles some sort of boot camp experience... but I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I learned A LOT:

1. It is God who holds my heart in His hands. He is the only One who will never let me down, leave me, or betray me. Friends, family members, spouses... They disappoint, leave, betray, even die... But He NEVER will. NEVER!

2. It is very important to keep my focus forward; however, glancing backward to remember where I have been is VITAL when attempting not to repeat past mistakes.

3. You can't fix stupid. This may sound funny coming from a teacher; however I have come to see that I CANNOT change the inane rules my insurance company has... I CANNOT change a headstrong, mule-like person... I just CANNOT fight city hall.... Therefore, some battles are better left unfought.

4. Stress.... It's a killer! Stress will catch up with you. It doesn't matter how much I think I resemble Wonder Woman. It doesn't matter that I think I can handle it. Put your body through continual and constant stress, and eventually, the effects will begin to show.

5. His grace is ALWAYS sufficient. No matter what I FEEL like. No matter what I FEAR. No matter what the devil is whispering to me.... No matter that those aforementioned effects of stress are beginning to show... His grace is ALWAYS sufficient.

6. People are crazy and we live in strange times. (Have to admit I stole this one from my mom and her healthcare seminar).... it's so true... read it again... marinate on it... I think you'll agree.

7. One ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship. (Spanish Proverb) When push comes to shove.... When I am down on my luck... When I feel like I have no one else to turn to... My family is ALWAYS there for me and this I can ALWAYS take to the bank: my Momma loves me.

8. This thing called parenting... Heck this thing called marriage... it just ain't as easy as it looks. There are days when I want to throw the whole kit and caboodle out with the used dishwater, BUT... the benefits... should I choose not to throw in the towel... are well, well, WELL worth it.

9. I am sooooo glad that God chose these specific angels to be my babies. They may be daredevils.... Their heads have been known to spin around.... But they are sweet and smart and kind and polite.... They LOVE Jesus with all of them and THEY ARE MY BABIES! And I am GRATEFUL!

10. John Joseph Kastner is the bravest man I know. He is no saint, and he is not perfect. But he bravely faces down EVERY challenge that comes before him. He will fight to the DEATH for his family and especially his wife. He will never give up no matter how insurmountable the odds seem... no matter how scared he is... no matter what it might cost him. I am ever grateful that my God chose THIS man to complete me... for without him I would be NOTHING.

So there it is... another year older, and actually, I think this year (more than many others) I am actually another year wiser as well. It is NOT a year I wish to repeat EVER again, but it is definitely a year that brought me closer to God, my husband, my children, and my family. It was definitely a year that made me stronger. Hope I'm not too whimpy though if I ask just one thing as a "birthday wish"...

Dear God, Can I please have an easier year next?

Dancing with Cinderella.....

So I had this HUGE day ahead of me yesterday. TONS on my to do list and time ticking away. I was in the shower sopping wet, and I heard my phone ringing. It was John's ringtone. He doesn't typically call me on the drive to work so I knew there was something wrong. "I need you do come pick me up. I'm on Hwy K." With those words my whole day was turned upside down.

[This blog is NOT about the issues which left him stranded on Hwy K, but because I know I will field ZILLIONS of questions about this if I don't put it out there: all is fine and taken care of.... God prepared a solution before we even had the need. Now focus on my lesson PLEASE!]

It reminded me of a scene in Evan Almighty where Evan says something about what his plans were. God (Morgan Freeman) says, "Your plans?" and then proceeds to bust a gut laughing. See so often we get so caught up in OUR plans, but there are MANY times when God's plans aren't the same as ours.

My plans for Friday, May 14th included errands, work, schooling and TONS of cleaning. God's plans for me for Friday, May 14th included an emergency call at 7:03 a.m., an unexpected expense, and a tax return being deposited on THAT day so the expense wasn't a big deal.

Yesterday reminded me not to be so caught up in MY plans that I am not receptive to His plans. Yesterday ended up being a GLORIOUS day: unexpected time off with my hubby, ALL the errands done much easier then if I had done them myself, and most of my to do list accomplished. Sometimes when we are pitched a curve ball that turns our day upside down we are not very graceful. However, we have to constantly remind ourselves God knew EXACTLY how that ball was gonna curve.

Hannah keeps throwing me one of those curve balls lately. She keeps asking me, "Mommy will you dance with me?" Typically when she asks this, I'm not at a point where I have time for frivolous things. Although truth be told, I NEVER have the time for frivolity. However, in the few seconds after that question is asked, ZILLIONS of things run through my mind. See the question ALWAYS reminds me of the song Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman.

So I'll dance with Cinderella

While she is here in my arms

I'm sure many of you know the tragic story of his daughter Maria.... killed in a terrible accident at the tender age of five. I think of the fact that even if I do not lose my Hannah at a young age, every day she is growing up and I am "losing" my baby a little bit. Sooner than I like to realize, she and I will be fighting over how much stomach that t-shirt shows (or whatever other teenage battle we'll engage in), and I'll be longing to hear her sweet little voice saying, "Mommy will you dance with me?" So every single time, no matter what I'm doing: chores, work, stealing a few selfish moments for myself, I drop it, and I gather that precious little Cinderella in my arms and I DANCE! I bury my face in that soft blond hair. I inhale of her big girl sweetness. I memorize the feeling of those tiny little arms squeezing my neck. And I dance.

That's what I tried to do yesterday. After all the stress and struggle and juggling, I reached over and took my husband's hand and danced. I enjoyed being alone with him. I enjoyed being at home with him. I danced.

I hope you take some time to dance today too. You won't regret it.

Worship Wednesday: God of this City

You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

A family is a city. That's what I ALWAYS think of when I sing this part. It's not that I don't care about my city, state, nation. It's just that God continually calls my heart to thoughts of this "city" John and I are building here. He is the God of THIS city (the Kastner family). He is the King of THESE people (the Kastner family). He is the Lord of THIS nation (the Kastner family). I have this strong and abiding conviction that John and I are building something GREAT here in this thing called the Kastner family.

Sunday morning I prepared to resume walking after my Lucy-like episode which resulted in a twisted ankle. I started out down the hill and not even halfway down, I stepped in a pothole and rolled my SAME ankle! I stood there ankle throbbing and told Jeremiah, who was preparing to bike while I walked, "I hurt myself I have to go back in." He started to walk towards me, and I said, "Oh honey, you don't have to walk me back up I can do it." He said, "No, Mom, I wanted to pray for you." He is the God of THIS family. He is!

You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are

I believe this "city" John and I are building is something so great that it threatens Satan. I believe that's part of why we have had to overcome so much. I think Satan attacks those who pose the greatest threat to him. For about three weeks now, I have been walking down a dark and deep valley. I have scraped my knee on the rock of logical consequences. I have rolled my ankle in the pothole of past sins. I have wrenched my back tripping over the little rocks Satan keeps tossing in my path just because he can. I can see my house in the distance, far away, behind the fog.... I'm trying to plod on to get to my safe haven, still safety is so far away. But there He is in the darkness; lighting the way. There He is when it's hopeless; giving me hope. There He is when the storm rages; giving me peace.

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

NO ONE! There is NO ONE like our God. NO ONE! There is NO ONE else who created an entire universe. There is NO ONE else who is perfect, all-knowing, all-powerful, omnipresent. There is NO ONE else who stepped down from a heavenly throne to walk this earth as a common man only to DIE to set us free from our sins. There is NO ONE else who rose again. There is NO ONE else who can get me through this day. There is NO ONE else who deserves my praise.

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City

Greater things have yet to come. And greater things are still to be done in THIS city (the Kastner family). I cling to my tattered, weather-beaten, torn up hope that GREATER THINGS HAVE YET TO COME for the Kastner family. He DOES have a plan for this family. It IS a plan to give us HOPE and a FUTURE. I will NOT let Satan steal my hope. I will not!

Because you know what??? Even if this is all the Kastner family EVER experiences for the rest of our time here on earth: medical woes, financial struggles, relational issues.... There is something so much greater when this life is done. So whether we see the greater things here on earth or in eternity, they WILL come. They WILL!

I hope you have a WONDERFUL Worship Wednesday. If this song doesn't do it for you, maybe the knowledge that Friday is just one more day away will. Have a great day!

Lucy! You got some essplainin' to do!

As I sit here at my desk, scraped knee throbbing and twisted ankle aching, I am pondering the realization I came to last night: I often feel like my life is an episode of I Love Lucy. Now I don't have too many recollections of specific episodes of I Love Lucy. In fact, the only one I can pull up right now had Lucy & Ethel working in a candy factory, and in order to keep up with the conveyor line they were stuffing candies into their mouths. That's all I've got. However, I do remember the entire gist of the show was Lucy (and typically Ethel) getting into trouble and just having CHAOS ensue all around her. Here's the episode of I Love Jami that played out yesterday.

To set the scene, I have had a DIFFICULT week and a half or so, which started with a ton of emotional "re-healing," on the heels of which came my baby girl developing pneumonia, all throughout this time my work has been stressing me out to the point I fear I will stroke out, and then throw in a dash of normal Kastner Kraziness: a diorama had to be made for AWANA, Hannah's Cubbies' vest has been missing for two weeks, the wash machine has been broken for three weeks, we had to scrape together the money to get current on the van payment this week OR ELSE, and on top of all that, I decided to start working out to get back into shape. I haven't been drinking NEARLY enough coffee to compensate for these occurrences, but the exercise endorphins have been helping.

Soooooooooooooooooo.... I spent the day yesterday working. I sent out eight reports!!! (that's VERY good.... trust me.... typical would be 2 or 3) I also ROCKED our homeschooling world with my new rule: NO TV or Xbox until EVERY bit of school is done! The only TV break they took (in order to give me time to wrap up a little more work) was to watch a documentary on Australia I found on Netflix. By 1 p.m. we were done with school and by 4 p.m., I had gotten in nearly six hours of work! I was CRUISING!

I was bound and determined to workout even though tonight was AWANA and that was going to put some boundaries on my time frame. So at 4:30 I took off down the cul-de-sac on the cardio portion of my workout. As I traveled down the street, I saw there was a house for sale. Out of curiosity, I picked up a flyer and then to be funny, I started texting the details to my sister. I said, "Wanna move? 222K.... 3 BR... 3 bath... 1.25 acres..." POW! The pain hit me like a freight truck, from out of nowhere! Texting while walking is apparently just as dangerous as texting while driving for someone like Lucy (I mean Jami). I had veered too far to the left and stepped off the pavement onto the rocky shoulder, rolling my ankle and CRASHING to the ground forcefully. My ankle was twisted, my knee scraped, and my hands were burning (I had my gloves off so I could text better). I got up quickly and started hobbling towards home. It must have been the exercise endorphins or something, but it wasn't feeling too bad so I finished my first lap and started my second. They started wearing off in the second lap though, and I had to hobble back up my driveway.... AHHHHHHHHHHHH! to the house and RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) my ankle.

After 15 minutes of RICE, I had to get up and get to work on dinner. I went to the kitchen sink to wash my hands and flipped the faucet to on. sputter, sputter, SPUT! No water came out. I don't know why (call it mother's intuition) but the FIRST thing that flew through my mind was (HANNAH!!!!!!) Somehow in my spirit, I just knew this was her work. I checked under the kitchen sink to see if the tube to the faucet was crimped. Nope! Then I went to the mudroom to check if a breaker was tripped. Nope! I traveled to all the other faucets on the first floor to see if any of them had water. Nope! Finally, destination downstairs I checked the basement bathroom faucet. Nope! Just too investigate ALL options (even though I still suspected Hannah) I checked the well/septic tank meter thingy...green light is good. Nope! I called John and went to accuse the boys of messing with something outside. Nope! They hadn't done ANYTHING (well that remains to be seen, but they weren't the water culprits. They were just playing in the quickly disappearing snow).

John said he would finish up one thing at work and head home early. I left a message for the landlord and then got an idea. If this was a problem with the well, then the other two homes that share our well should be having water troubles too. So I hobbled up the hill to the first house, trying to baby my ankle but not having much luck as the bending of my knee brought misery too. No one was home. I continued on to the second house starting to huff and puff from the exertion of climbing this hilly terrain with an injury on each leg. They had water. So it wasn't the well.

All the way back to my house the thought, "Hannah did something. Hannah did something." kept echoing in my brain. I decided to take one more look. I went into the furnace room (which just so happened to have a burnt out light and I therefore could not see anything) and was drawn (in the dark) to this orange lever. Somehow I just felt like this might be the problem. However, keep in mind, I am NO plumber. I actually had no idea if this lever controlled gas, water, or even sewage. But something inside me said, "Turn it!" As I gently turned it, I heard something liquid starting to rush through the pipe. I quickly turned it back to the starting place. I sent Noah upstairs with instructions to try the kitchen faucet and then turned the lever again. Voila! We had water! The water main shut off is in the hallway outside my office (the furnace room). It is LITERALLY at Hannah's elbow level (about two feet off the ground). I am POSITIVE that while standing outside my office in the "Knock and wait for Momma to finish her work call" posture, she just got bored and decided to play with that lever. AHHHHHHHHH! Crisis number 2 solved.

Racing upstairs barking orders to don AWANA clothes and jackets, find AWANA books, and GET IN THE CAR, I also placed calls to John and the landlord informing them the problem had been solved. As I was heading for the door to get in the minivan, Noah came rushing in, "We forgot to put the seats back in the van!" The boys had cleaned the van on Monday, and now we were down the entire back row of seats because they forgot to put them back! With no time to wrestle that stupid seat (which is ANYTHING but easy to remove and reinstall) I instructed Noah to just ride in the front seat with the seat slightly reclined (Something I RARELY do.... I promise! Do NOT turn me in to the seat belt police!) We headed off for AWANA and that was when the realization hit me, "My life is like an episode of I Love Lucy!" However, my conveyor belt wasn't finished moving quickly yet.... There was still time in this episode for a cherry on top of the sundae.

I dropped the kids at AWANA (somehow in the chaos Hannah had left her book at home so now she was minus her missing vest AND minus her book). I hobbled back to the car and returned home to see how John was doing installing my new under-the-sink water filtration system which had arrived just today. Here it is.... here's the cherry: The system we received was damaged. It couldn't be installed. We'd have to go through a return/exchange process and wait for a new one to arrive. I collapsed into my chair... throbbing knee, aching ankle, tightening back and shoulder (when you're old falling has widespread effects which aren't always initially noticed) SCREAMING and sighed. "Well, tomorrow's a brand new day," I thought.

I woke up this morning itching to get this I Love Lucy blog live. I had NO idea what lesson I was going to spin this into. I just knew that I had suffered through that sitcom-like evening, and I was going to get some mileage out of it! About halfway through typing this, Noah (the first one awake today) came downstairs. Last night, he went to sleep watching Facing the Giants, and now he had something written down his arm (from shoulder to wrist). He proudly displayed his homemade tattoo and told me it was his new motto. "Never give up. Never back down. Never lose faith." That was my lesson! It's the lesson you are all supposed to learn from "watching" this episode of I Love Jami. NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH.

That's what I'm gonna do.

NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH.

A season of solitude....

It seems for quite some time now that God has been walking me through a season of solitude. Some days this solitude is welcome, but some days it is just lonely.

Less than a year ago, we were living in Franklin. We were surrounded by neighbors, about eleven two-family homes on our cul-de-sac. There was hustle and bustle all around us. We had random drop-bys from friends, family, former cheerleaders, and youth group kids. It kept us on our toes and meant we were rarely (if ever) alone. We were involved in a small church where we knew EVERYONE. Going to church wasn't just a spiritual event, it was a social event too. The grocery store was just 5 minutes away and Taco Bell, blessed Taco Bell, was just 5 minutes away as well.

Today, we live in Butt-Nowhere, WI. Our current cul-de-sac holds about seven single-family homes. Our doorbell never rings. Friends have to plan most of a day in order to come visit us. Our church is HUGE, and we hardly know anyone there. The grocery store is 3x as far, and Taco Bell, blessed Taco Bell, I hardly remember what a run for the border feels like.

This morning I was feeling loneliness settling around me. While last week was rough, this week started out even better! (heavy sarcasm here) This weekend Hannah had a bit of a cough, but really nothing to blog about. Sunday afternoon and evening she was running around playing, with a cough, cough here and a cough, cough there. About 8 or 9 p.m., we were lying in my bed watching Hannah Montana The Movie, and she said to me, "Mom I can't keep my eyes open." The poor baby was so wiped out. What I didn't know was that moment was the beginning of a downward spiral. She spent the night vomiting mucous and spiking a fever. At its height her fever was about 103 UNDER HER ARMPIT!!! The next morning we called the pediatrician who wanted to see her, and our fears were confirmed. She has pneumonia. The good news: it was caught early, and therefore will require only a course of antibiotics to get rid of it. The bad news: she can't stand the "pink medicine," and it is VERY hard to get a 3-year old to swallow something they don't want to swallow.

Anyway, I was feeling the exhaustion of having a sick baby on the heels of an emotional week and I started to feel so lonely. As I peered out the window at the gray fog enveloping my neighborhood, I felt the gray fog of sadness crowding in close. All of a sudden in my spirit, I heard Eva's beautiful voice singing:

This world holds nothing for me

I will follow you

This world holds nothing for me

I will follow you

I let the words of that song wash over me:

I need you Jesus to come to my rescue

Where else can I go?

There's no other name by which I am saved

Capture me with grace

I felt Him swarming in and surrounding me. I felt His presence comforting me. My troubles were still there: Hannah still has pneumonia. I am still struggling through an emotional battlefield. I have worries and cares, but:

Lord, I put my trust in You

I think that's the lesson of my "season of solitude..." THIS WORLD HOLDS NOTHING FOR ME. I think my Father has pulled me apart from all the busyness and noise of service and friendship and fun to place me in a simpler, quieter place where I can focus more on Him. Where I allow Him to fulfill all my needs. So here I am these words running through my head:

This world has nothing for me

This world has nothing for me

I will follow You

I will follow You

With my eyes refocused for the day and new hope planted in my heart, I'm going to go start my day. Hope This world holds nothing for you today too.

Funny what we take for granted.....

I have been suffering through an AWFUL back episode this week. The other day when I awoke, just wiggling my leg brought tears to my eyes. This morning as I tried to tie my shoe, I thought, "Funny what we take for granted." Normal days I just bend at the waist and tie my shoe completely taking for granted the fact that my back just allowed me to bend in that manner. You know how I am. I let my mind wander, and I wondered. What else do I take for granted?

Last night as I drove home from Franklin I turned on K-Love. I didn't catch the whole story, but they were talking about some woman. She had a degenerative back condition which required surgery, she had lupus and one other illness I can't remember. I thought CRUD! She has a lot on her plate medically. This morning I woke up and besides this terrible back ache, I was healthy. "Funny what we take for granted."

A few weeks ago I read the story about a man from our church, Jason Mentink. He was just 25 years old. At the end of January he died playing a game of basketball. He left a young widow and two little girls. Last night I went to bed beside my husband, and this morning I kissed him goodbye as he left for work. "Funny what we take for granted."

Last year my sister attended back-to-back funerals for two victims of childhood cancer. Those Mommas watched their children battle cancer and lose. Then they had to put their babies' bodies in coffins and bury them in the ground, no longer squeezing their arms around their precious children and now left only with the hope of squeezing them in eternity. As I type this I can hear the pounding of my children's feet as they run down the basement stairs. Yesterday I followed them around my parents' house trying to keep them from destroying stuff. Today I will fight with them to get their chores done with a good attitude. "Funny what we take for granted."

In January, 48 Laotian Christians were forced from their homes at gunpoint. Some had belongings confiscated. Some had their homes destroyed. When they refused to renounce Christ, they were forced to leave their village. I blabber on and on at this website about my God, my faith, my beliefs... I freely go to church and worship WHENEVER I want. I openly teach my children to love Jesus. "Funny what we take for granted."

The earthquake in Haiti toppled thousands of homes, leaving so many without a roof over their head..... No shelter from the elements... No place to put their things.... No safety and security from criminals... Today I will mutter about cleaning up my house. I may get a little chilly and stroll over to the thermostat and punch it up a few degrees. I might get hungry and walk over and open my refrigerator to find something to eat. I will likely lie down next to Hannah after lunch and sneak in a little nap in my warm cozy bed. "Funny what we take for granted."

What are you taking for granted today? When you bend down to tie your shoe, thank God that you can. If you are not dead, thank God you are still alive. Even if you're ailing, thank God it isn't worse. Whether your husband is bringing you roses or leaving his dirty laundry on the floor, thank God you have him. When you catch your children just after they've colored on the wall, thank God they are healthy enough to do that. If you love Jesus and plan to go to church this Sunday to worship Him, thank God you can do so without fear of retaliation. If you have a roof over your head and food in your refrigerator, thank God for those provisions. And if you have NONE of these things, thank Jesus that He died to save you from your sins. You at least have that!

God bless and have a GREAT Saturday!

Zow! Is it getting hot in here???

As expected, my last blog turned up the heat a little. But as is typical with controversial issues, I fear some missed the point of the blog. The point wasn't really about butt writing or cussing or tattoos. It wasn't about submitting to my husband or whether I agreed with a sermon. The point was two-fold: we have to be in the world not of it AND no one else can tell us what that means for us. It is the Holy Spirit's job to reveal to people how God wants them to apply Scripture to their lives.

I heard from people on both sides of the butt-writing issue. However, I wasn't really asking people to tell me what they think about butt writing. Right now, it's a mute point in this home. Hannah is young enough that we don't even have to debate the issue yet. I was kinda just waxing on about the despicable state of morality these days and whining about the temptations my children will have to resist. The real point of my blog was: we can't decide these things for other families... for other people... As the writer I will take full responsibility for not communicating that fact clearly enough, and without belaboring the issue here, I will try one more time to clarify.

Have you noticed that the second people get a bug in their butt to drink more water, they're harassing everyone in their world about the need to pee clear urine? Or how about how some people who are convicted that Halloween is a Satanic holiday not to be celebrated by Christians, seem to act like anyone who trick-or-treats must be a Satan worshipper? And why do people assume that if God convicts them a certain way about the wearing of words on the butt, He will convict every other Christian the same exact way?

There are 17 different versions of Italian salad dressing in the grocery store aisle because there are zillions of different people with zillions of different taste buds. Variety is the spice of life! We are not all alike. Therefore, what you consider to be on your "naughty list" may not even register for the next person. The way you worship or the way you live is not necessarily the way God has convicted everyone else to live. With regards to baptism: some sprinkle; some immerse. Some denominations believe women should never cut their hair or wear pants. Some believe that we should raise our hands when we worship. Others believe in speaking in tongues. As long as we all love JESUS isn't that what's really important?

Over the summer we had a "swearing" incident. We ended up in a debate with a friend who did not think John and I were parenting the incident properly. We told the person, "We do NOT want our child to swear; however, we are not making a federal case out of this because we have bigger issues going on right now." We OBVIOUSLY did not want our child to let unwholesome talk come out of his mouth; however, at the point at which the incident occurred, there were MANY things threatening to destroy our family. John and I did not feel that it was the appropriate time to make an issue of the word our child said. We felt it was the time to delve deeper into some of the root issues causing the swearing: the increased tension in our home, the fear that our family was falling apart, the fear that the daddy of this family might not survive brain surgery. So we made a minor case out of the word which was said and tried to deal with the feelings behind that word. That was how God led us. It didn't mean we were saying swearing was okay. It meant God had impressed a different priority upon our hearts. Yet on we fought to defend our parenting when really and truly in the words of the great Aaron Cole, "That's between you and Jesus!"

So please don't mistake my prior blog. I guess it was more about letting people have the freedom to be individuals; about trusting people to get with their God and come to the conclusion He has for THEM; and about trying HARD not to be the kind of people who try to push their convictions about life, love and relationship with God upon other people.

Well, this heat's getting a little uncomfortable for me. I'm not one who likes confrontation or stirring up controversy. In fact, I try hard to avoid confrontation and conflict AT ALL COST. Yet, I believe FIRMLY in trying hard to keep my nose in my own business and trying to keep my eyes focused in the mirror and not out the window. I'm hoping I've inspired at least one person out there to do the same. Let this blog encourage you to look in YOUR mirror. If you are even a little bit like me, you will find PLENTY of things in your own self to work on without ever having to look out the window at someone else.

In the world not of it........

To wear words on one’s butt or not, that is the question that plagues me today. Really it is a much broader issue that is on my heart: where do we draw the line TODAY between acceptable and not acceptable for a Christian. The questions that sprout from this are infinitesimal including much more than wearing words across the rear end. For our family right now they include things like: should one be allowed to choose soccer practice over AWANA and should a boy be allowed to get his ears pierced. Your family may be dealing with different questions:

Should my child get a Facebook account?
What’s the right age for a child to get a cell phone? Wear makeup? Go on a date?
Can my child be emo and be a Christian?

They all boil down to this same thing: how much of the world should we be letting into our lives, into our children’s lives. I think that children/youth of this generation have it harder than any generation prior to them. Never before have there been SO many doorways of temptation which lead to sin available. Sexting, internet predators, pop-up porn ads, pharming, huffing, sex parties THESE are the things today’s children and youth are being bombarded with every single day. Back in the day, all I had to "say no" to was drinking, pot and sex. That was about it! Today the things kids have to say no to are so much harder.

Which leads me back to words on one's butt.... seriously what's the harm of a playful slogan or two across your rear end... "princess" or "sweetheart" that's tame enough right? Or what about showing support of your team with a well placed "Sabers!" or "2010"... But just because what's written there isn't sleazy doesn't make the words on the butt issue any less controversial. My husband has VOWED that Hannah will NOT wear any writing across her rump. He says that will just encourage boys to look at her butt and call attention to it. I'm not sure what I think or what we'll end up doing with that issue. In parenting John and I are called OVER and OVER again to deliberate the question, "Is THIS issue worth fighting with our child over?" So I don't know where we'll be when she's 13 or 15 or 17, but this I do know: The Bible is silent on this issue. It does not say, "Thou shalt not display slogans across thy derriere." Therefore, we are left to mull through the muddy waters of modesty by ourselves. I guess the only answer is that John & JamiKastner have to determine for OUR family what is right. No one else can make that choice for us. We are the parents given the responsibility for raising Hannah Elyzabeth Kastner. We are the ones who will be held accountable for how she is parented. Therefore, we have to make the decision of whether her rear-end will be allowed to become a billboard or not. I truly don't know what we'll decide. But I do know that what "other kids are doing" will not affect my decision, and it shouldn't affect yours either.

Wouldn't it be great if we all did this? If we stopped worrying about whether someone else listens to secular music or sports a tattoo or has a glass of wine with dinner? Last week in church our pastor said something I underlined, circled AND highlighted in my program, "That's between you and Jesus!" I agree with him wholeheartedly. I believe you need to get with your God and determine if that is the language He wants coming out of your mouth or if that is the establishment He wants you visiting. The rest of us need to get our noses out of your business and let you and God get down to the brass tacks of the matter.

When we hear an F-bomb fly out of someone's mouth, why is it that we assume the person who dropped it must not be a Christian or if they are a Christian they haven't learned to "tame their tongue." How would we feel if we learned that person who just let that cuss word fly had just received word their child has leukemia or had just found out their mother was killed in a tragic accident or had just gotten confirmation that their spouse was cheating on them. I'm not advocating being a potty mouth here, and I actually do think it is possible to remain Christlike even under the WORST of stress. But (and that's a BIG HUGE BUT there) I am advocating less turning up of noses and more trying to understand. I am telling you that even VERY godly people when pushed to the very edge of what they can tolerate may reveal an imperfection or two.

I love the saying, "Hate the sin. Love the sinner." I don't have to agree with your language to love you. I don't have to listen to the same kinda music as you do to love you. And I can love you (and your daughter) whether you wear words on your butt or not. Good luck everyone! Helping these babies navigate their way through the evil of this present world is a difficult job! I'm praying for all of you as you hash out the nitty gritty of these issues. God go with you!

A beautiful morning....

Hmmmm…. What started out as a bit of a chaotic morning (John took about 4 “alarms” to get out of bed, Jeremiah awoke at 6 a.m. because the cat jumped on his pillow, Hannah awoke too early and she was C-R-A-B-B-Y, my back was SPASMING and shooting pain all the way down my left leg), had turned around quite nicely thank you (John and I read the Bible and prayed before he left for work, Jeremiah and Hannah crashed on the couch watching TMNT because they both woke too early, Elijah and Auntie Marge were still asleep, and Noah was playing PS2 so I was blissfully in silence).

I was walking down the stairs to my office carrying my third cup of “nectar from God” (that’s coffee for those of you who don’t speak Jamiese) and I thought, “What a beautiful morning! What a peaceful way to start the day! I wish every day started like this.” And all of a sudden conviction hit me so hard my coffee literally sloshed over the edge of my cup and splashed on my foot…. Is God any less great on the mornings that start out anything BUT beautiful? OUCH! As the coffee seeped into my slipper that thought seeped into my soul…

When I awaken John late, and we are racing about getting him out the door, when Hannah won’t be consoled by adolescent turtles throwing great roundhouse kicks, when the cat doesn’t just jump on someone to wake them up but pukes on their comforter and all over their p.j.s, when I stumble down the stairs with a burnt cup of “nectar from God” rushing to my puter an hour late to see what awaits me in my work inbox…. Isn’t He the same God who deserves all my praise and worship?

I know it’s tough to “Praise him in the storm.” Trust me! I know! My life has had its share of storms, and I have not always weathered them gracefully. More often than I care to admit the torrents of rain have tossed me to my knees wailing and screaming, “Why? God! Why?” But God doesn’t change. He isn’t any different. Whether you are standing at the altar pledging your heart till “death do us part” or hunched over a coffin saying goodbye until we meet again…. whether you are rolling in the dough or scraping together $2.63 to put just one gallon of gas in your car and praying you'll make it to your destination.... whether you are healthy and well or sick and infirm... HE IS STILL GOD! He is still on the throne. He is still in control. He is still worthy of your praise and worship.

Let that seep into your slipper today. Mull it over and drink it in. Wherever you are this morning: at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

Thankful Blog Part 3 - My Children

All I ever wanted to be was a Momma and a Wife. I went to college, had a career, but all along I was really hoping someone would marry me and make me a Momma. I laughed with WILD abandon at the movie 27 Dresses. While I didn't have quite 27 to my credit, I did have one summer where I was a bridesmaid in 3 weddings. WOWZER! It did for sure seem I would be "always a bridesmaid and never a bride." Then with lightening speed I met this man who fit my one and only, sole qualification: he loved Jesus. We married within 10 months and just 17 months after we married.... VOILA! I became a momma. It has been the most amazing, wonderful, excruciating, incredible experience I have EVER undertaken. It is everything I hoped of and everything I never realized it would be.

The one overarching thing I am most thankful for with regards to my children is how deeply, genuinely, and completely they love Jesus. It is amazing to me. Nine times out of ten, these children are the FIRST to say, "We should pray about that." They LOVE to go to Sunday school and AWANA. They just love Jesus. Jeremiah recently had this conversation with me,

"Mom I love you so much."
"I love you too baby."
"I love Jesus a lot too."
"I know you do baby."
"Is it okay if I love Jesus more than I love you."
"Absolutely Jeremiah. You should NEVER love anyone more than you love Jesus."
"Okay. Good."

Then from that point on he would frequently tell me and his siblings, "I love mom but I love Jesus more. You have to love Jesus more." Precious.

My time is quickly slipping away as we have to pack up our baked goodies and travel the hour into town for the Road Rally and Grand Feast, but I want to quickly mention a few more things for which I am thankful with regards to these children:

Noah James... my firstborn - I am grateful that this boy is so fiercely protective of his brothers, his baby sister, his momma, and actually any child or baby he meets. Our friends Brad & Amanda have a new baby and the few times she has been at our house, Noah follows her around making sure she doesn't get near the stairs, fall off a chair, or get into a toy which is not safe for her. This boy he is such a protector at heart. I am grateful for how completely he "gets" the things of God and desires to take in more and more knowledge about Him. I am grateful to this child for turning me into a mom.

Jeremiah David.... my sensitive one - This child sense when I am sad. He runs to comfort me if I cry. This summer was a tough one for this family and every time I dissolved into tears, I could count on his arms being quickly wrapped around my neck and his asking, "Mom can I pray for you?" That's the second thing: this child LOVES to pray for people. Everything that concerns him... every hurt he sees.... every need that occurs.... he takes to his God in prayer. I am thankful for how responsible and orderly Jeremiah is. If you ask Jeremiah to do something, if you give him a set of instructions to follow, you can count on the fact that every single i will be dotted and every single t will be crossed. I love that this boy has such a soft and moldable heart. If he is caught in a sin, he is QUICK to confess and make reparations. I am grateful to this child for making my job as a mom a little easier.

Elijah Daniel.... my oopsie baby - I always tell Elijah he is the best surprise God ever gave me. I joke that a child who was conceived in spite of TWO forms of birth control was destine to be resourceful, scrappy, determined. This boy is all of those things and some. My best parenting stories all stem from him: broken toilets - him, butter spread in the windowsill - him, poop in the stuffed Elmo's mouth - him... Elijah has given me most of my gray hair, but every time he ends up in one of his escapades I think of what my wise Momma always tells me, "You are not raising successful children. You are raising successful adults." And that resourcefulness will do him VERY well as an adult. I am thankful for this child's brain. I can frequently "see" it working behind those gorgeous eyes fringed in ridiculously long eyelashes. I am thankful for how energetically he attacks EVERYTHING in life. I am even grateful for how he knows EVERYTHING. I am grateful to this child for keeping me on my toes.

Hannah Elyzabeth... my little princess - I am thankful that God gave me a pretty little dollop of frosting on top of this amazing cake of children I have. She is EVERYTHING I hoped a girl would be: tender and tough, frilly and fierce.... part princess, part linebacker. I am thankful that God gave her imperfect eyes for it keeps her real. I am thankful that she is a little bit of each of her brothers: protective like Noah, sensitive like Jeremiah, impish like Elijah.... and yet COMPLETELY her own.... I have never seen a 3 year old who can command such attention from 3 older boys.... that little girl is like Hitler! She controls her brothers better than I do. Oh and I saved the best for last: If you ask Hannah what she wants to be when she grows up.... she says, "A cheerleader!" Perfection! I am grateful to this little girl for being my best buddy forever (pinky swear).

I can't end a blog about my children without a quick shout out to my step-babies. You know regretfully I don't know them as well as I wish I did. The past corrupted the present making the future very difficult to navigate. I, ever the optimist, am prayerful that God will continue doing His redeeming, healing work in their relationships with their daddy and the rest of us, and I am very grateful for the chance to be a part (no matter how small or big) of their lives.

Alex Joseph - I am grateful that he is a strong, brave, responsible man. I am grateful to him for sacrificing being with his beloved bride and his beautiful new children to travel across the ocean and fight to protect our freedoms.

Amanda Gene - I am grateful for Amanda's loving, giving, sacrificial heart. And this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the budding relationship I see growing between her and her daddy. God can do amazing things if you let Him and I am grateful that Amanda is letting him.

Amber Jade - I am grateful for this girl's spunk! This girl is scrappy and tough and (while this is slightly off topic) the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. My favorite story about Amber is one John LOVES to tell. She was young (idk maybe 3 or 4) and he took her to Chuck E. Cheese. Some kid tried to skip her on a ride and she hauled off and punched him in the face. Life will NOT take advantage of this girl and I am excited to see the woman she is going to become. I see her taking on life just like that kid at Chuck E. Cheese. It better not try to skip her or it will pay the price.

This Thanksgiving I am eternally grateful that God gave me what I wanted, sevenfold. I am the momma to 4 amazing children and the step-mother to 3 incredible adults. Thank you Jesus!

Worst day yet...

AHHHHHHHH! One of those literary agents wants to see my work!!!! I am FREAKING out! So excited and nervous all at the same time! Here's another recycled blog:


This was one of the worst days on record for the Kastner family. All of the following happened by 11:00 a.m.:

*I was upstairs finishing up my shower and Noah came running up and said, “Elijah’s in the refrigerator, and he has eggs!” I ran downstairs to find Elijah had been cracking eggs onto the carpet and them stomping them deep down into the fibers. I wanted to cry, but instead I cleaned up all the egg and eggshells and then used the spot cleaner on the carpet.

*A little later I was working at the computer, and I heard what I thought was the faucet in the bathroom running. I said, “Noah, I think you forgot to turn off the water in the bathroom.” He said, “No someone plugged the sink and left the water on and there’s a flood in the bathroom upstairs.” I got up and opened the door to the basement and saw water pouring out of the basement ceiling. So I ran upstairs to survey the bathroom. I found at least two inches of water on the bathroom floor, all of the drawers on the left-hand side of the sink were completely filled with water, and the carpet in the hall outside the bathroom was soaked up to about 12 inches from the bathroom door. I again wanted to cry, but instead I just got to work. I started using the shop vac to remove the water. I emptied all of the drawers: makeup was drenched, hair brushes were floating, hair dryers were completely submerged. In the process of cleaning up the bathroom, I slipped and fell into the tub running my already styled hair through the shower and getting it sopping wet. However, as this was not enough disaster for this family, the day continued as follows.

*I came downstairs from cleaning the mess up and watched Elijah throw an entire bowl of popcorn at Noah. By this point I had resigned myself to the madness and I just swept up the popcorn quietly.

At one point I was sitting in the corner drooling for a little bit. It was a very difficult day. I even googled “military preschools.” But alas, one must be in junior high before a military school will enroll you. I wanted to pull my hair out that’s for sure.

Thank goodness His grace is sufficient! I (and my children) used up a whole lotta His grace this day. That is all I have to say about that!

Another oldie but goodie...

written 1/16/07...

Well, our baby girl got inaugurated into the world of the viciously ill. She had the stomach flu. She couldn't keep down anything, not even just breast milk. She and I had to change our clothes three times. Then the fever started. It only got as high as 101.8, but I could tell she was MISERABLE! I hate it when my babies are sick. She was just pathetic and weak and burning hot; however through it all my little trooper could still manage a smile. I couldn't do anything to make her feel better except just hold her and caress her hot little face and whisper I love you. Somehow though I could tell it made her feel better. The power of a mother's love....made me think of God's love.

It's just like that. Sometimes He can't do anything to make it all better. For Him it's not because he isn't capable of making our situation better, it's because He cannot choose to do what would not be right and good and just. So when we're wallowing in the just consequences of sinful choices or when we are suffering through the "testing of our faith" He's just there, holding us, caressing our hot little faces and whispering I love you.

My new goal now is to be more like Hannah. Being in her Momma's arms didn't make her situation any better, she was still hot and miserable and achy and vomiting, but she was just glad that at least if she had to be miserable she didn't have to go it alone. She was grateful just for her Momma's arms.

Lord, help me to be grateful for my Daddy's arms. Help me to remember that what I am going through is for your glory, might be caused by my own choices, could be Satan trying to gain a victory through me, After I remember that help me to stop wishing away my pain and just be grateful that I don't have to go it alone, grateful that if I have to be miserable and broke and tired that I have my Father's arms around me holding me and whispering, I love you.

May God hold you today. May He whisper, shout or scream, "I LOVE YOU! May you never, ever forget that you are not alone!

A word of encouragement from the past...

I submitted queries to 3 different literary agents today. I decided to then get started cleaning up some more of my manuscript. In doing that I stumbled upon this blog. It took my breath away because it is as if August of 2006 Jami is speaking DIRECTLY to July of 2009 Jami. For those of you who know the details of today's disappointment, I think it will take your breath away too. I hope it ministers to you, wherever you are at today as much as it ministered to me.


written on August 2, 2006...

You know people CONSTANTLY say to me, "I don't know how you do it Jami." They're referring to the fact that I have four children (who are beautiful and sweet, but AMAZINGLY "precocious"), I work 20 - 30 hours per week from my home (while watching said children), I coach the (amazing and incredibly talented) FHS cheerleaders, and I teach fitness classes. I always tell them that I just love my life, and I love to keep busy. The truth is I love everything in my life so much: my husband, my children, my cheerleaders, cheerleading itself, working out, that I'd rather work myself into the ground than give any of it up. However, the past two weeks or so, I myself have been thinking, "I don't know how you do it Jami."

I am so past exhausted! Having all four of the kiddos at home is just killing me. If I leave them upstairs so I can get in some work, they just get into trouble. A few weeks ago Noah used up all of my Victoria's Secret body spray. I asked him what he used it for, "knockout gas" was the answer. He was playing Splinter Cell and the sprays were his knockout gas. So while I really don't like to wish time away, I am ANXIOUSLY anticipating the beginning of school this year.

Not only that but summer is just SUCH a crazy time. I think we've had only two weekends this whole summer when we didn't have something planned: weddings, graduations, cheer camps, family reunions, class reunions, church picnics.....our summer has been FULL.

Add to it the fact that I have a newborn; however, in all honesty she is the LEAST of my problems. Hannah is SERIOUSLY and HONESTLY the best baby in the world. For the past three and a half weeks, she has been sleeping through the night. She sleeps about 10 hours EVERY night! She's an absolute dream. I figure though that with all the broken toilets, perfume used as knockout gas, bald spots cut in hair, and urinating in places that are NOT the toilet, I deserve at least one easy one right now. There are short skirts and midriff-baring tops that she will undoubtedly torture me with later, so I'm glorying in the angelic season of her life now. I digress....so the point of this is I'm barely making it.

I'm at the end of myself, but gratefully I'm finding that, as in all things, in the midst of my self-induced insanity, God's Grace is enough to see me through. Right now that is all that's getting me through. That and the knowledge that before I know it we'll be in the throes of fall. Summer's craziness will have given way to my FAVORITE season: it will be time for cool, crisp air, sweaters, trips to the apple orchard, new school outfits and lunchboxes, football games, and pumpkins....they are all on the horizon. So if I can just hold on a little longer. If I can just make it through the sweltering heat, a class and a family reunion, if I can just keep the boys from burning down the house, I will make it to the promised land - FALL.

Now I know this is getting kinda long, but I can't end without a plug for my amazing Lord and Savior...this is true of all of life. I know things get tough. Life can really suck at times. But if we can just make it through the heartbreaks of this life, through the broken marriages, Leukemia, financial hardships, and other tragedies, we will make it to the promised land – HEAVEN! Where we'll be done crying and hurting and wailing. There will be nothing but joy, peace, and praising our Lord and Savior.

So hang on if your life is tough. Mine is too right now. Take the time today to thank God for the joy in your life...there is always some joy, even if it's hard to find. Mine isn't hard to find at all...in spite of my troubles and strain I am filled to capacity with joyful things: John, Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah, Hannah, Amanda, Amber, Alex, my mom, my dad, Jodi, Cori, Seth, Shawn, Alyssa, Luke, Savana, Grammas Hilly and Haugh, Shannon, Christina, Tracey, Nicole, Angie, Danielle, Megan, Whitney, Marki, Kayla, Cassie, Brittany, Vicky, Carol, Theresa, everyone of my myspace friends, all of my former middle schoolers, my amazing church, my God-filled pastor, my Jesus, my Jesus, my Jesus. Then after you thank Him, just hang on through your troubles, because before we know it, this hard world will be behind us and we'll be walking the streets of gold, praising our Savior for all eternity.

And so it begins....

“Noah has a girlfriend. Noah has a girlfriend.” My children have been singing this refrain for about two weeks now. It is actually an adorable, terrifying, wonderful situation. We recently reconnected with one of my former cheerleaders, and our entire family fell in love. She and I always loved each other so that was not really a surprise. Our husbands hit it off great. Our children play well together and seem to really enjoy themselves when we are together. Which brings us to Noah…. Noah is very smitten with their little brown-haired, brown-eyed beauty. Yesterday, when he was out with John, he said, “Daddy, my heart hurts cuz I miss Allisa.” The entire situation is such a potpourri of mixed emotions for me.

It really is quite adorable: the dreamy look he gets on his face when he sees the ubber cute picture of the two of them and the way she skipped out to the car when we got there on Saturday so excited to see us she was bouncing. They are like a photo come to life. You know the photos I am talking about don’t you? Those adorable black and white photos where the little girl's ribbon and the flower the boy is giving her are the only parts in color. You know those right? Guess what? For the moms of the little black and white photos, it’s not just, “Awwww how adorable.” It is a little terrifying too.

My baby has a crush! He could get his heart broken or this could be the real thing. Seriously I am not trying to make too much of this, but I have a friend who has known her husband forever. She told me once that she still remembers when she was in Kindergarten (I think), she was all stressed out because she had to hold Dan Kallas’s hand in a program at church. Guess what??? She’s now Mrs. Dan Kallas. The thought that my child is entering this world where a beautiful little girl has the power to crush him or make him walk on air makes me want to vomit!

I have actually had the benefit of watching many, many, many others deal with the difficult parenting situation of romance. As a teacher and youth leader for junior high aged kids, I saw a lot of puppy love. I also saw a lot of parental reactions to puppy love. They ranged everywhere from flat out refusal to even consider their child “going out” with someone and forbidding them to be attracted to anyone until they were ____ years old, all the way through to matchmaking parents goading their child on to catch a “good one.” I have long wondered how I would tackle this problem when I finally came face-to-face with it, and now here I am staring it right in the adorable little brown eyes.

Because I do not like for anything in my life to be in vain, I have decided to take full advantage of this situation. I have decided to not waste time worrying or fretting about my son’s heart being broken (or stolen away), but instead to take full advantage of the chance to lead him through such a situation from a godly perspective. Even at the tender age of 9 ½ there are VERY valuable lessons he can learn about being a godly man and treating a woman the way God would want him too. I am thinking that NOW when he is moldable and so open to my opinion on things is the PERFECT time to lead him through this practice run of boy-girl relationships. Here are the lessons we’ve tackled so far:

1. Put Jesus first – The day after his “love at first sight experience,” I had a little chat with him. I asked him, “Did you and Allisa talk about Jesus at all?” He mentioned some Bible verses all the kids talked about. Putting God first, that is what I want him to do in all of his relationships and all of his life. Therefore, the first thing I focused on and the first seed I wanted to plant in his head was Jesus.


2. Put the other person’s needs before yours – This past weekend when we were together all the boys were inside playing video games, and Allisa was out on the deck by herself bored. I went up to Noah and encouraged him to go play with her. He wanted to play video games so badly, but I told him, “Noah, a good friend thinks about what the other person wants too. Allisa is all by herself and bored out of her skull. You can play video games at home.” He faced the struggle many men before him have been defeated by – TV vs. woman – and came out like a champ! Within minutes he and Allisa were running in the backyard playing on the swing set.

No worries though! No one is picking out china patterns or flowers yet (although we do have some UBBER cute pictures which would fit perfectly in a wedding slide show). But I am actually VERY at peace with the way we have chosen to handle this, and I am actually grateful God is giving us this chance to learn these life lessons. Even still I am still holding my breath a little, and daily begging God to give me strength for what lies ahead in the not too distant future: the teenage years. Oh Lord! Hold me TIGHT!