70x7 STINKS!

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?  
Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
Matthew 18:21-22

Are there ever portions of scripture that just "stick in your craw"??? There are for me... and THIS is one of them!

490 figurative times??? are you KIDDING me God?  Forgiveness is painful. Forgiveness is HARD. And sometimes to be honest I just get stinking tired of forgiving people for the same old EXACT selfish, rude, cruel thing!
But I forgave YOU.

This blog isn't going to be long... it isn't going to be eloquent... it's going to be short, sweet and TO THE POINT.

If you ever get to the point where you are sick of forgiving.... If you ever want to snip 70x7 right out of your Bible.... If you're ever moping around in the injustice of forgiving some sinful, self-centered human being again and again and AGAIN...

STOP!

and remember:  God forgave YOU. Jesus hung on that cross for YOU. His precious, holy blood was spilled for YOU.  And when turned back around towards YOU that 70x7 thing ain't so bad anymore... is it?

Here's hoping that visions of the brutal, somber, excruciating cross bring a smile of hope to your face today... because all that pain was suffered for YOU and because in just three days...

:)

I will be there

Last night I took a midnight drive into Franklin to retrieve a little lost duckling.  Did I want to get out of bed when I had JUST fallen asleep?  No.  Do I even like driving?  No.  I did those things, because I love my little duckling.  Alas, every choice we make in parenting is actually part of a bigger lesson for our children.  For example:

Last night the lesson I taught Noah was:  I will be there.  I will be there when he is 10-years old and homesick at Oma and Poppa's, and I will be there if he is a teenager at a party he has no business being at, and he needs a ride home.  I will be there.

I wasn't just born with these supermom tendencies.  I didn't come out of the womb bearing the ability to rouse myself from a sound sleep and drive an hour ONE way to pick up my homesick baby.  These were superhero abilities I learned from my supermom.  Repeatedly, she rescued me when I was homesick at Kelly Rooney's or took me out shopping after I was cut from 7th grade cheerleading.  She flexed her supermom muscles last fall when my husband was out of work from having brain surgery, and we couldn't pay the rent.  I learned from my mom: I will be there.

This of course gets me to thinking about God, and how He will be there.  He will be there when things are great.  He will be there when things are not so great.  Tonight Jeremiah is going to be baptized.  It is a wonderful, happy occasion, and He will be there.  One year ago this week, we were facing the fear and uncertainty of the removal of a piece of John's skull followed by two months of unpaid time off work, and you know what we learned?  He will be there.  

...I will never leave you nor forsake you. (Joshua 1:5)

Last night I taught Noah a valuable lesson about his Momma:  I will be there, just like my Momma taught me.  But I (and my Momma too) taught a deeper lesson:  He will be there.  For:

Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts (or go and rescue...my words) to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts (or go and rescue...my words) to those who ask Him! (Matthew 7:9-11)

As exhausting and inconvenient as that trip was last night, it wasn't without its blessings.  As I drove down highway 45, the song Dancing with Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman came on the radio.  Initially, I started envisioning my husband dancing with his daughters on their wedding days, but then a lyric hit me from outta the blue and changed my focus.  Before too long, the clock will strike midnight, and she'll (it hit me as: he'll) be gone.  All of a sudden I realized, Noah won't need me like this too much longer.  In just a few years, he will be a teenager and even if he does miss me this much in the middle of the night, he will NEVER admit that by calling me and asking me to come get him. I immediately thanked God for this chance to enjoy him still being a kid... and still needing his Momma.

I'm a little groggy today, and I have a BIG day ahead of me.  But I am very glad that I taught Noah:  I will be there last night.  I am glad I had some time to reflect upon how my Mom continually taught me (and to this day continues to teach me):  I will be there.  And that these thoughts turned my heart to remembering that He will be there ALWAYS.  Truth be told, I am also glad I had that one precious hour driving home with my son, listening to all the fun things he had done in the past two days away from me.  But the BEST part I think, was when I got to Oma and Poppa's, and he walked out the front door and looked at me and said, "Mom!  I am SO glad to see you!"  

Gleaning from our suffering....

I believe the reasons for this thing called suffering are many faceted. I've blogged about it before. Suffering can be a natural consequence of a choice made. Suffering can be our faith being tested and purified. Suffering can be for the blessing and encouragement of others. Today I think maybe suffering can be for the sake of my children.... so that something beautiful can be birthed in them.

Back at Christmas, when Christmas Angels blessed us with a MULTITUDE of gifts, our children became inspired to do the same for another family next year. They've been saving their allowance ever since. Today I saw in my children another beautiful thing birthed out of our suffering.

This afternoon, Elijah brought the mail in, and the second I saw the return address, I knew what was inside. As I pulled out the note card and opened it up, tears started to build in the back of my throat. A check was taped closed inside, but I bypassed it savoring the encouraging words I found. I started reading the note, "Kastner family, The Lord has laid your family on our hearts..." Then at the end a P.S. that let me know someone is reading these words I blog, "I hope from this your little ones can enjoy their favorite meals." Without opening the check yet, I lifted it to read the words written beneath, "Thanks so much for sharing on your blogs....." Finally I opened the check. My breath caught at the sight of the amount! This check wouldn't just help our little ones enjoy their favorite meals.... it would help us get our new washer too!!!! The tears spring quickly from my eyes, and I hiccuped a quick cry.

Hannah said, "Guys! Mom's crying." As I closed the card, I said, "It's good tears, Hannah. It's good tears." Noah, wise beyond his years and "first in class" in this course entitled, "The suffering of the Kastner family," quickly said, "Someone blessed us with a check didn't they?" I nodded, words eluding me.... the discernment of my baby... the BLESSING from God.... the conviction of how ONCE AGAIN my faith had wobbled a little... they were all overcoming me again. Noah came to me and grabbed my hands in the middle of the kitchen and just started praying,

"Dear Lord,

Thank you for blessing us! Thank you for the people who blessed us. We pray that you bless them. Bless them today. Bless them this month. Bless them this year. Keep on blessing and blessing and blessing them.

Amen."

I opened my eyes and gazed at this 10-year old man of God standing in front of me. If I never, ever have another penny the rest of my life.... If I have to rely upon the goodness of God's people, humbling myself and laying down my pride to accept the charity of my brothers and sisters in Christ all the days of my life... it will all be worthwhile. For my children IMMEDIATELY look to God when we are blessed. They immediately KNOW who blessed us. It wasn't Mr. & Mrs. ___________ from Podunk, OK who blessed us. It was GOD! So they immediately give Him praise. But they also know the second thing to do when someone blesses us, they ask God to bless them right back.

So thank you Mr. & Mrs. ______________ from Podunk, OK. Thank you for blessing us! The Kastner children WILL eat their favorite meals all weekend and into next week for sure! And the Kastners will finally have a wash machine again too. But more than that.... so much more valuable than that, your gift helped teach four little children (and their ever forgetful Momma) that God NEVER forgets them.... that there are angels walking among us.... and that it is VERY blessed to be generous.

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25:40

I'm an Idiot (I mean optimist)

Why do I ALWAYS believe the best in people? Why do I get these lofty ideas that THIS time will be different? They won't let me down. A Christian wouldn't do THAT to me. They've learned their lesson. They care about me too much to make that choice. Normal people aren't that mean.

The truth is much of the time, people WILL let you down. A Christian would do THAT. It takes a LONG time before people learn their lessons. Even when someone cares about you they can make BAD choices. Finally, normal people are sinful, vile creatures... just like me.

What to do when faced with FILTH of another person's act? A boss, a friend, a spouse, a family member...

Well first of all you do the forgiveness thing.... yada yada yada. I'm not being flip here because I don't believe in forgiveness. I'm being flip because forgiveness is like Christianity 101. I've got that one down. In fact, many people in my life are on me because I am TOO forgiving. They purport there are certain things that should NOT be forgiven and/or that I forgive a little too easily and completely.

Here's where I get hung up.... I get hung up on wallowing in the WHY of it all. Why did they let me down? Why did they do it again? And WHAT can I do to avoid it in the future. See there is a very dark side to the fact that I am very good at taking personal responsibility for things. I often find myself slipping into blaming myself when things happen to me, even things that are CLEARLY out of my control.

I'm sitting here right now staring at a situation. I keep saying to myself, "Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time will be different." But deep down in my soul I know, I just KNOW it will not. This person is going to make the same poor choice again. They will not have learned a THING from their past actions. [I promise with ALL of me if they surprise me I will admit it here. I swear I will.] But even though my soul is so sure it will turn out exactly the way it always has in the past, my heart keeps whispering, "Not this time. Not this time." I guess it's good that I'm able to be optimistic, but it feels like I'm just an idiot.

This past summer I faced a similar situation. I could see the writing on the wall. I knew that an ICKY thing was coming my way. Yet there I sat believing the best, trusting and hoping. Even while all the evidence was being laid out in front of me, I continued on in my idiotic (optimistic) hopeful ways. Firmly and surely, God kept advising my soul, "Do NOT put your trust in men. Put your trust in ME." He kept saying it to me over and over. At first, I thought that meant I was supposed to trust Him to keep the bad thing from happening, but then the ax fell, and I saw the truth. He was there to pick up the pieces from what man had broken. He was there holding me the whole time. Before, during, and after, my life fell apart. He will NEVER let me down. I feel Him saying this to me again today, in this much more minor situation. The path that is chosen this time may be similar to the one that has always been chosen before. Man may let me down AGAIN, but God NEVER, EVER will. God will be there when the sin of this world has been spewed all over me. God will be there to pick up the pieces of my shattered hopes. God will be there in the life-altering and merely annoying disappointments. He will be THERE.

While sometimes I think it would be easier if I prepared for the worst, so the good things were a pleasant surprise. I guess I'm mostly glad that God has got this Idiot (I mean optimist) in the palm of His hand. I'm glad that no matter what man might do to me, He will NEVER let me down.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20b

Blessed are the peacemakers...

Elijah HATES covers. I'm not sure why, but more than once this hatred has caused me a loss of sleep. It did again last night. I awoke shivering and realized I had NO covers on me. I sat up found my covers and pulled them up to my chin, but almost instantly he started whining and kicked them back off. Too tired to fight him to return to his OWN BED or STOP kicking my covers off, I just got up and stumbled off to find an empty bed in our house to sleep in.

As I picked up my phone (which is my alarm), I noticed my indicator light was blinking red. What I found waiting for me was a VICIOUS comment about my blog on Hannah Montana. It was vicious to me (called me a "liberal sinner posing as a Christian") and vicious to Hannah Montana (called her an "abomination"). I rejected the comment, but its words kept swirling around in my head.

What to do? What to do? The comment was RIDICULOUSLY confrontational; therefore, it included an e-mail address in case I wanted to debate. I could reply, "Did you even read this blog before you blasted me and Hannah Montana?" or I could simply reply with scripture, "And over all these virtues put on love...." (Colossians 3:14) However, in the end I chose to take the wise advice of my 16-year old cousin (as professed through her Facebook status just yesterday), "Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction." (Alex Lawson... who may have pirated it from someone else but who cares? for my purposes she gets the credit.)

I decided not to reply, but the whole experience got me thinking... Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Matthew 5:9 SEVERAL situations I am facing right now came to my mind, and as I thought through each of them in the context of this verse I realized.... The best choice is always to try to make peace.

"But Jami," you say, "you have NOT met my _______________ (fill in the blank as you see fit: mother, friend Mildred, husband, neighbor). He/She is IMPOSSIBLE to make peace with." I say to you, "PSHAW!" Peace is ALWAYS possible. Here are a few things to consider:

1. Say nothing. When someone says something confrontational to you, when someone tries to pick a fight with you, when someone attacks you, it is very wise to remain silent. When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19) Sometimes the best way to "fight back" is to say NOTHING! My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, (James 1:19) You do not HAVE to even reply when someone tries to bait you into an argument or simply says something negative or rude to you.

2. Respond with scripture. If you absolutely MUST respond to a confrontational person or in a confrontational situation, the safest avenue may be to respond with scripture. Recently I was in a VERY painful situation. I was leery of even well-meaning people's misplaced comments. Wisely assessing how difficult the situation was, my mother responded with an e-mail that contained nothing but scripture. It was the BEST response she could have given. DISCLAIMER: you canNOT respond with divisive scripture planned to defensively get back at the person. Choose scriptures about peace, love, and prayer instead.

So there you go.... I am choosing not to fight back (I guess I'm not TRULY choosing silence as I did blog about it, but I am not responding to the outlandish and vicious attacks in that comment.) I am claiming (and standing upon) this promise:

Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. (James 3:18)

Lessons I learned from Mercy

I need to begin this blog with a HUGE disclaimer. I am NOT a cat person. I really am not. I can hardly stand cats. In fact (as MANY would tell you), I might have even been heard saying, "The only good cat is a dead cat." I really do not like cats. Okay, finished with the disclaimer. Here's the story:

About two weeks ago, a stray cat followed the kids home from a bike ride. What I didn't know then was that it was just the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" storyline being played out in front of my eyes. As John and I decorated the Christmas tree (something the kids were supposed to be helping with), they sat out on the driveway petting the cat and playing with the cat.

"She's hungry Momma." was the first step in my slippery slide down the hill. I gave in out of love for my babies, not out of any affinity for this cat. We gave her a can of tuna and a saucer of milk. She set up an abode underneath our front porch, and the kids started calling her Lucky. After about two days, it was time for Elijah's tonsil surgery so Riri came out to the country to watch the other kids. She brought along with her a water dish, food dish and a bunch of cat food. I guess that was step two...

I can't remember the exact timeline, it is all so foggy and seems like it was forever, not just a few weeks. Eventually (we theorize because we were leaving her food outside) she got into a scuffle with another animal. One morning we found her face all gashed up and her nose bleeding. We let her move into the garage to keep her safe and let her heal from whatever predator had attacked her. John and I rationalized, we can have an outside cat and not be cat people. At that point, I announced that Lucky was a lame name, and we needed a real name. We decided upon Mercy because in our dreams the dog we'll have is named Gracie, and Grace and Mercy go so well together. We moved her food and water into the garage, gave her a camp chair and a few blankets to sleep on, and opened the door during the day for her to "do her business."

Our setup became problematic when the weather started turning colder. The day that I found her water bowl frozen solid was the day we knew we were in over our heads. We moved Mercy inside and set her up in the mudroom. In breezed Riri, with a litter box, toys, canned cat food, a brush... all the goodies the spoiling Aunt has right at her fingertips (at least after a quick trip to Target). The kids were in heaven. They would sit and pet Mercy forever.

Mercy was a GREAT cat. She was not like other cats. She wasn't snobby or persnickety. She was friendly and patient. She was great with the kids. She would let Hannah manhandle her and love on her, and she never got mean. She must have been someones cat who had been abandoned or something, because she immediately knew what the liter box was and used it consistently from the beginning. She was a dream cat (if there is such a thing).

We always kinda knew that Mercy was sick. When she first showed up, I told John, this cat just came here looking for somewhere to die. So when we decided to let her come live inside, we determined she would have to take a trip to the vet in order to make sure she wasn't a danger to the children. The vet did not have good news. Likely Mercy had a terminal condition that wasn't treatable, but nothing that could be transmitted to the children. We could try to clear up her infections with antibiotics and keep her for awhile. So we tried. That was Monday.

So there I was (NOT the cat person) squirting antibiotics down this cat's throat twice a day and wiping away her bloody buggers. I mean SERIOUSLY?!?!?! John was humoring me, but I know he was thinking, "Who is this crazy cat lady who has taken over my wife's body?" The medicine seemed to be working. We could hear Mercy sneezing a lot, and she seemed to be clearing some of the mucus from her lungs and nose.

Then yesterday, she climbed in her litter box and wouldn't get out. She sat in there much of the day. It was awful. I explained to the children that she was likely going to die soon, and she knew it. She would let us pet her, but if we tried to pick her up she'd bare her teeth and make a little pitiful sound like, "Please don't. It hurts too much." I was a wreck. The triple assault of watching this creature suffer, realizing I had fallen for this dumb cat and was now going to lose her, and knowing that this would break my babies' hearts was too much for me. I cried all day.

I struggled to find something to do for her. We could not afford to put her down (the vet said it would be nearly $100). No Humane Society would help me because we live in a "non-contracted" area. Part of how we ended up in this jam was because we had called the contracted "dog catcher" guy for Hubbard earlier in this saga, and he never called us back. We prayed for Mercy and that God would help us find a way to help her, and I tried one more time to reach the Hubbard animal guy. Miraculously, I reached his wife. I think my tears helped plead my case for once. She assured me he would call as soon as he returned from work. Mercy left with the animal man at 4:10 p.m. last night. We were devastated but not left without many lessons learned.

1. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death (James 1:15) I am not saying Mercy was sin; however, I am saying, if you don't want to have a cat.... if you don't want to be a "cat person".... do NOT (I repeat) do NOT feed a stray cat. Don't even pet it. Don't even look at it. The parallels here are too clear not to be applied! If you don't want to have sex before your married, don't take your clothes off. If you don't want to become addicted to drugs, don't smoke even your first joint. If you don't want to cheat on your husband, don't spend any time with a man you are not married to. If you want to avoid sin, do NOT entertain it! Don't give it even one second of your time. Because if you let it get just one tiny little paw into your front yard, before you know it that thing will be sleeping on your couch, and you'll be wiping the bloody mucus from it's nose. Trust me! I know some of you are saying, "Not me! I hate cats!" or "Not me! I love my spouse!" or "Not me! I don't drink, smoke or chew or go with boys who do!" But let me tell you: If it can happen to the greatest cat hater of all, it can happen to you.

2. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9) God sure works in mysterious ways I tell you. Me falling for this cat reminded me of this unexpected friendship that came my way. I had determined in my heart to hate this girl. She had taken my place. She was the new (and MUCH better) cheer coach at HCS, and I was still bitter about having my job, my calling, my ministry ripped from my grip. But in breezed Shannon Michelle and it was all over. She and I "clicked" like peanut butter and jelly. Still now... ten years later she is one of my BFFs. God works in mysterious ways. I never thought I'd love a cat. But I did, and because I kept my heart open to the unexpected I gleaned a lot of good things.

3. Why you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (James 4:14) Mercy really seemed to be on the upswing this week. Then all of a sudden she veered suddenly and started declining rapidly. Life is like that too you know. All is going well and then without much warning, it is lying shattered at your feet. We had such a short time with Mercy before she was gone, but we enjoyed every moment with her and we loved her and gave her a little taste of Heaven before she succumbed to her illness. So the lesson I take from that??? Suck up every second like it is your last. Savor every moment you have with the ones you love because before you know it your time may be up. I have had two relationships like this. Two very intense friendships that came seemingly out of nowhere and overtook my life. Two "BFFs" who became indispensable within a matter of minutes and then after not very long left my life with a heart-shattering "BAM!" I have really learned to just be grateful for every second I have... with Mercy, with my friends, and with my family. Because I know that sickness, death, or betrayal can rip those things from your grip in an instant, and I never want to be left regretting the fact that I didn't cherish what I had when it was there.

4. The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40) Being kind can never be wrong. It just can't. It might hurt in the end. You might end up with your heart torn to shreds and bleeding profusely, but it can NEVER be wrong to be kind. Recently, I made a kind gesture that was rebuked and thrown right back in my face. At first, I was so angry. The sting of the rejection really hurt. But then I realized, I wouldn't change one thing I had done because I had been kind and that was a good thing. Right now as I sit here a little bruised and battered from having known and loved Mercy, I realize that I wouldn't change one thing. It hurt like heck to let her go, and it hurts like heck still as just a few moments ago I had to console Elijah through a storm of tears after he asked, "Mom, why did Mercy have to go to sleep?" But I am glad we were kind to this tiny little creature. I am glad we gave her love and warmth and food for her last days on this earth.

Okay so I'm finally to the end of this long-winded blog. Please do not mistake me, I am still NOT a cat person. However, I think I may amend my famous saying, "The only good cat is Mercy."

Thoughts on jealousy

Last night John and I watched Not Easily Broken. It was at least a “3-cry” movie. It is about marriage and is based on a novel by T.D. Jakes. At one point, the wife confronts the husband because she suspects he is having an affair. She asks, “Did you sleep with her?” He tells her he did not, but he tells her he does have feelings for the other woman. The wife collapses back against her pillow deeply wounded and says, “She’s stolen your heart from me?” The scene was especially poignant for me.

I have long maintained that it would be much worse if my husband had an emotional affair then it would be if he had a physical affair. It would hurt much more to know that his heart had been captivated by another woman. Perhaps that is why Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:27 – 28 He knew that a sin does not have to be carried all the way through to commission to bring devastating results.

John gets irritated when I am on the computer when he is home. It does not matter if I am on the computer writing or working or if I am on the computer playing on Facebook or chatting. It drives him nuts! This week it came up during the American Idol finale. I was rapidly commenting, chatting, and posting on Facebook during the finale. He was hurt and irritated because he was sitting right there and I still had to be on Facebook conversing with other people. As I walked up the stairs to go to bed that night, God started ministering to me: John has a right to be jealous. You have very little time with him home. He has a right to be jealous when you spend some of that precious time ignoring him. Then God took it further by showing me jealousy is not a sinful emotion, even He feels jealousy.

For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24. God wants my affections, my time, my HEART! How it must wound Him when someone or something else steals my heart from Him. Lately my life has heated up to a rapid boil. The first things to be sacrificed on my altar of craziness always seem to be: prayer and Bible study. I let my heart be stolen by a stupid job, by needing a cleaner house, by Facebook over and over and over again, and God has a right to be jealous!

My God and my husband, in that order, deserve my whole heart. They have a right to be jealous when I allow busyness, socializing, even service to steal my heart away from them. So today I am going to purpose in my heart to stop giving my heart away to others, to strive for a better balance (even in the busy times) which gives my God and my husband their proper places in my heart.

Thank you Jesus for that truck!

“Father God, please provide a second form of transportation for this family.” I have been praying these words faithfully for the past five months. Over the past year, God had taken us from a two-car family with two car payments to a one-car family with one car payment. We believed strongly that this was the responsible thing to do and was one way that God was going to rescue us from our financial troubles. Initially, it was not so bad. It was winter. We homeschool. I work at home. Besides groceries and errands, we only have to leave the house for church and AWANA. Social events were difficult, but we were managing. The worst part was trying to squish all of my grocery shopping and errands into Thursday night, Saturday afternoon, and Sunday afternoon, the only times John was off.

Then spring came, soccer started, and things started heating up. The kids and I walked 1.5 miles one way to soccer practice, sometimes twice a week. We tried to arrange rides sometimes, and my family helped as much as they could. However, with four children you don’t fit in anything but a mini-van or Suburban. It was difficult, and even though I have law-enforcement officials reading this blog (close your eyes Aimee), I will admit that a few times I squished all four of them in the back of a sedan (two in one seatbelt). Only for very important things like we were freezing and needed to get home from soccer or when we went to see Danny Gokey. (Hush! That was VERY important!) The stress had really started building this week as my work schedule has been getting busy again too. I prayed at least once this week, "God something has GOT to give. I cannot do this anymore."

After five months of praying the same thing every day and not really having any idea how God would answer that prayer, I am typing this with tears in my eyes because I get to tell all of you: we have a second vehicle! We have been scouring Criagslist for junker trucks, old vans, even a few hatchbacks. We set the bar VERY low, maximum price $1000 and eventually upped it a little to $1500. We e-mailed and called on hundreds of vehicles. We looked at two last night and came home with the second. It is a 1994 Dodge with high mileage. It is a beast of a truck - big bed, huge engine. The exterior is rough, and there are a couple of things wrong with it, but we are thrilled!

This morning when I looked out the front window and saw it parked in front of our house I wanted to cry. As I walked this morning and prayed, I kept wanting to jump up and down and scream when I said, “Thank you Jesus for that truck!” And as I prayed, I couldn’t stop coming back to it, “Jesus please heal Hannah’s little eyes. Let the patching work and strengthen her eye. Help her to keep that patch on. Oh and THANK YOU FOR THAT TRUCK!” It kept creeping back into my prayers.

Before we went looking at the trucks last night, when we got to the first truck, when we got to the second truck, and before we made the decision to take it, we prayed. We prayed. We prayed. We prayed. On the way home, when we got home, as we cleaned out BOTH of our vehicles, and before we went to bed, we praised God and thanked Him. When I woke up this morning, as I walked and as I prayed, I kept thanking God. But all of a sudden as I traveled east down Drexel Avenue, it hit me. It hit me hard and stark. God answered my prayer! I am not sure exactly how to explain it, but I prayed for this through every step of the decision making process, and I thanked God for it when it came to fruition. But I had kinda forgotten that this had been on my prayer list for a LONG time and God answered it. All of a sudden, I had one of those moments where the Bible became so real to me:

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.
Matthew 21:22
You do not have, because you do not ask God.
James 4:2b
And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious
riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Sometimes we fly through life so quickly. We never take the time to stop and look around us and realize all the things that God has given us, all the prayers He has answered. I want to encourage you to stop today and look around. I know you may have hard things you are going through, but I also know that there are very likely things that He has given you that you can be thankful for. Yes the Kastners have struggled for a long time with financial troubles that are deep and dark. But we have a happy marriage. We have healthy children. We have family who loves and supports us. We have a church family we belong to. We have TWO VEHICLES! Most importantly, we have our Jesus! He walks with us through the hard and the good. He guides us, He protects us, He loves us, He forgives us, and he PROVIDES FOR US!

I just can’t stop saying: Thank you JESUS for that truck! And I hope you’ll look around today and find things you’re thankful for too. Then don't forget to say, "Thank you Jesus for _________!"

Worry Doubles the Suffering

Every time I get behind the wheel of our minivan, I am gripped by fear. I have struggled with this for a long time. We have been in the vise grip of financial hardship, struggling to make the bills each month for almost four years now. There is absolutely none of what you all call "savings;" we have no reserve; there is nothing to fall back on. Therefore, I live in a continual state of fear that something will go wrong with our vehicle. Now that we are down to just one vehicle in another attempt to stop the hemorrhaging of our finances, the fear and worry have intensified greatly.

The Bible has a lot to say about worry:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? (Matthew 6:25)

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? (Matthew 6:27)

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. (Matthew 6:28)

So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" (Matthew 6:31)

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

I know these verses oh so well. I have learned them, heard them, memorized them since I was a little girl, yet STILL I worry. I worry that the brakes will need to be replaced. I worry that the transmission will go. I worry that the tires will need to be replaced. Worry! Worry! Worry! Two weeks ago the tires needed to be replaced, and guess what? We found the money to do that. I do not know exactly how, but it worked out. Yesterday the brakes started grinding. We are squeezing the money to fix them out of our tight budget. Guess what? The actual things that go wrong with the car are quickly taken care of without much suffering at all. You know what is causing all my suffering? Worry.

John and I have been in this horrible financial nightmare for almost four years now. We have suffered through situations that most of you can't even imagine. We have not only been putting a band-aid on the bullet hole in our finances, but we have also been dealing with the confusion of those around us who just do not seem to understand why we can't get the bleeding to stop. Guess what? We do not get it either. We have given up two vehicles in order to save money. We have given up just about every single luxury imaginable. We rarely buy things for our children. Every single piece of furniture on our lower level has either been give to us as a gift, rescued from someone else's garbage heap, or bought with the bartering of John's hard work. Yet still here we are hemorrhaging without anything to stop the bleeding but a single little band-aid. Through all of this, over and over and OVER again, I have seen God reach down, brushing aside my little band-aid, and put his finger over the bullet hole holding back the bleeding. Here's what I do not get: STILL I worry. I have come face-to-face with the awesome power of my great God over and over and over again through this journey and STILL I worry about the next hurdle. This week! This very week! I witness yet another miracle, and STILL I worry. My hours have been drastically reduced at work. I was expecting a ludicrous check that would barely be enough for the groceries and would definitely not be enough to cover our small (yet seemingly impossible) tax bill. Yesterday the deposit posted to my account, and it was twice what I thought it would be. What? How is that possible? I had yet to receive my paystub so I had no idea why my deposit was so large. This morning I found out. In spite of tough economic times, my company paid us last year's gain sharing. Praise Jesus! Now I could pay the taxes!

So here it is finally...I am to the lesson part. The worry is what is causing my suffering, NOT the financial hardship. Worry is making me lose sleep. Worry is knotting up my stomach. Worry is taking its toll on my health. Worry is the demon I need to slay. I need to get my eyes up off the worry and back onto my God. Maybe all of this bleeding is happening NOT because of mistakes we have made or Satan trying to break us. Maybe, just possibly, this has a greater purpose: that of getting me to stop being a slave to worry.

What are you worrying about today? The cancer returning? A loved one passing? Your spouse cheating? The car breaking down? Partner with me. Let's agree TODAY to lie down our worries and to focus our eyes on our God. Today let us remember that His eye is on the sparrow, and today let us purpose in our hearts not to allow ourselves to be enslaved to worry.

Gossip Girl

For two days now, I have been struggling with writer’s block. It is not because I have nothing to write about, but because I do not want to write about what God put on my heart. I keep shying away from it because I do not want to tackle the issue, partially because I do not want to sound preachy, but mostly because if I write about it, I will have to think about it, and if I think about it, I will have to make oh so many changes.

Gossip, hearsay, idle talk, defamation, slander.... I have often been the victim and the perpetrator of this vicious crime. As a very sensitive person, it crushes me to know others are talking about me, judging me, spreading stories about me, and as a very sinful person, I turn right around and do the same thing to others. Recently, I was an outside party looking in on gossip, and for some reason that situation has been resonating through my brain, my heart and my soul, calling me to form an opinion and take a stand. Here’s kind of how it went down:

Standing apart from the group, minding my own business, I heard the discussion begin.
“I don’t know how she can justify being involved with a married man!” They were talking about a woman who had just left the group.
“Well, she says he’s in the process of a divorce,” someone inserted in the woman’s defense.
“I am in a Bible study with his wife, and she just said the other day, they were working to save their marriage,” another voice chimed in.
I sat there apart from them trying to block out their voices. Just overhearing those little snippets of their conversation made me feel icky, dirty, sad.

Since I was in junior high I think, I have struggled with this concept. Where do you draw the line when talking about other people? Sharing the miracle of my nephew surviving Leukemia is not gossip, but what about asking others to pray for my grandfather who is drinking and gambling again? I do not claim to be an expert on what is right, but I do want to search hard to find answers. So I consulted my pastor, and his answer really got me thinking. He said, “Jesus said, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’” Hmmmm…. Good point! When I am about to talk, I need to stop and think, “Would I want someone saying this about me?”

But have you ever been in this place? Someone says or does something that just DRIVES YOU UP A WALL! You are irritated beyond words and struggling to process the situation by yourself. So you tell your BFF. You share the details. You spew your venom, anger, frustration in the name of “venting” and think it is fine. I am not giving this example as an uninvolved party. This is actually where I gossip the most. I think it is just fine to spew out my feelings about a situation to John or Christina or Cori because I need to process it, because I need to come to grip with my feelings. Guess what? I do NOT see that Biblically mandated. I do not recall ever reading where God says it is okay. I read, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8) I find, “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body.” (James 3:6) Finally, I see, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” (Matthew 7:1) But I have yet to find, “When someone REALLY ticks you off, spew anger, venom and hateful words about them; rehash the situation over and over and over again until you feel better about it.” Yeah that one I am not finding in my Bible.

Here’s what I did when I overheard that conversation (which by the way has been COMPLETELY altered to protect the guilty and innocent alike). First I sinned. I immediately went to John and told him all about it.

“Ah!” I agonized, “Why do people have to talk about others!”
“Grr!” I growled, “it makes me SO mad!”
All of a sudden that little voice chimed in. You know the one, that little voice in your head. I am sure you have heard it once or twice too.
My voice said, “Ahem… Jami… what are you doing right now? Ummmm…. Aren’t you talking about people right now? Aren’t you even sitting in judgment of those same people?”
I didn’t even try to defend myself. I realized that God let me hear that teeny tiny “speck in my neighbor’s eye” so I could recognize the HUMONGOUS plank sticking out of mine!

What to do? What to do? Now that I realized that I was sinning how was I going to stop? It is so HARD to hear that small voice in your head when you are angry or worked up about something! So what was I to do in order to get control of this sinful behavior?

Here’s what I did. I went to the best little consciences I know: my children. They hear nearly everything I say, as I rarely remember to censor what I am saying for their benefit. So I said to them, “Guys Momma has a problem with talking bad about people. Have you ever heard Momma talking bad about someone?” Noah immediately piped up with the exact one I was feeling most guilty about. “Yes, Noah that’s a perfect example! Momma does say bad things about that person when she is aggravated.” I then explained to the kids that God doesn’t want us to talk bad about others and that I needed their help. I asked them if they overheard me talking bad about someone to simply say to me, “Momma, should you be talking about that?”

I’ve yet to experience the conviction from one of my children on this issue, but I am sure it will come. I know myself, a filthy rotten sinner. I am sure that I will do it again, and probably soon. I also know my children. They are so good at innocently stating the obvious without any tact at all like, “Hey Mom, your tummy looks like you are growing a baby again.” So I am hopeful that between the little voice in my head and the little people running around my feet, I will become more aware of when I am falling into this trap of sin. Because as stated in a previous blog, when I see something wrong around me, I need to “Be the change I want to see.” I am the only one in this WHOLE world who I have the power to change. So I am going to work hard to change that one person, ME, and hope that eventually it spreads to others around me.

I apologize. I do not feel like this blog is very pithy or well-written. I let the message fester inside of me so long that I feel like it came out as a bit of a jumbled mess. In the future, I have to work to stop being so stubborn. But alas, that is an entirely different blog.