Feelings lie. Feeling stink. Feelings are not reality.
It has been a rough several days around the Kastner house.
*John has been waking every night with an excruciating headache. The doctors are confused by the headache; however, they are not overly concerned by it because we are able to manage and reduce the pain on our own at home. However it is still pain, it is still waking him up, and we are all tired of it.
*Then to add insult to injury, last night, while I was trying to load the dishwasher, I knocked a plate shattering it on the ground. I called Noah to help me clean it up and ran downstairs to use the bathroom. As I was coming up the steps, I heard the boys shouting, "Hannah is puking!" I walked into the kitchen to find the shattered plate pieces still all over the ground just a foot away from Hannah's puke puddle. I was near the end of my sanity, as I cleaned up the puke puddle while Noah cleaned the plate. I then had to shower Hannah because the puke was in her hair. Somehow I kept it together (I think because I was praying under my breath the entire way). What followed was even more excruciating all night long I was awakened every 15 minutes by the sounds of Hannah's vomiting. At some point in the middle of that, John woke up with his nightly headache hardly able to walk or see anything in front of him. Merry Christmas!
I am so tired! I literally do not think I've had a full night's sleep since Wednesday December 17th (the night BEFORE surgery #3). I feel horrible, and I'm not sure if it's because I haven't slept... I'm coming down with whatever Hannah has... or just because I've been smelling puke for 24 hours... (I'm sure it's a combination of all three.)
I feel like I can't do this. I feel like this is too much. I feel like God has forgotten us and is letting Satan toy with us, but let me tell you what: FEELINGS LIE.
In recent months, I've been trying to help Hannah through a princess phase in which she burst into tears almost anytime something doesn't go her way. I've been telling her that I know she feels like she has to cry, but she is the boss of her feelings. I've been trying to teach her to tell her feelings what to do. When she feels like crying, I want her to tell her feelings, "No, I don't have to cry. This isn't big enough to cry about."
Over and over again during the past 24 hours my own words have come back to me. "I am the boss of my feelings." I can choose to feel like I can't do this or I can choose to remember that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can choose to feel like this is too much or I can remind myself that God's plans are to prosper me not to harm me. I can feel like God has deserted us or I can remind myself that God will never leave me or forsake me.
It doesn't feel like a very Merry Christmas in the Kastner household this year. However, I can remind myself "Born is the king!" I can remind myself that thousands of years ago Jesus came to earth as a little baby to die for my sins. I don't have to wallow in the feelings that aren't very merry.
I know some of you who are reading this are dealing with much worse than what I am going through right now. I know the holidays make you feel lonely. I know you just lost your loved one. I know you're struggling through a horrible diagnosis and praying for a miracle. I know it feels like God has deserted you. I know it feels like you can't do this. But you are the boss of your feelings! Tell your feelings what God says about your situation, and then make the choice to believe them!
Whether you're having a very Merry Christmas or whether your Christmas isn't merry at all, I pray that you will choose to remember that God loves you so much he sent His only Son to earth.
Now I'm gonna give both my patients and my old person showers and then head off to bed. I'm praying that I will get just one night of solid sleep that will give me the strength to face whatever tomorrow brings. But even if I don't sleep at all, I'll be the boss of my feelings tomorrow too. Goodnight