Repost: A sermon from Hannah Montana

I'm reposting again.... I am just TOO BUSY TO BLOG right now... So instead I am reading through my blog.... Today I'm feeling sassy so I thought I would repost a blog that got me in A HEAP O' TROUBLE!  Oh the heat I took for proposing that Hannah Montana might be able to give me a Word from God... To all of you nay'sayers who think Hannah Montana can't present a GREAT sermon straight from God, need I remind you???? God spoke through a donkey... A DONKEY!

I reiterate a line from this blog:  God uses whom HE chooses!

Hope he uses this repost in your life today.

A sermon from Hannah Montana

On making it through Zumba (and life)...

I took a Zumba class once.  It was part of a staff development thing going on at the WAC when I taught there.  They wanted us to take classes we had never done or something.  I remember thinking, "I'm a former dancer.  I coach cheer.  I have taught aerobics for a zillion years.  I can do this."  I was WRONG!  More wrong than any person could ever be.  I have never in all my life felt more like I had two left feet.  In fact, I have never in my life felt like I had two left feet.  I have actually always felt quite coordinated.  But not when taking Zumba!  I remember it CLEARLY that moment where I stood there, surrounded by seventy year old ladies moving their hips in ways that I had never seen before, thinking, "I signed up for the WRONG class!  I need pre-beginner level Zumba!  or Zumba for idiots or something..... because this... THIS is WAY too hard for ME!

I feel like that every now and again in life.  I feel like I signed up for the wrong class.  I look around my life and think this is WAY too hard for me!  I canNOT do this!  I need pre-beginner level life or life for idiots!  Today it isn't really anything Mt. Everest like.  It is just a bunch of Rocky Mountains that have me feeling dwarfed and incompetent.  A $929 ambulance ride bill (which SHOULD be covered by insurance yet is nonetheless still daunting)...  The episode John had last night at my mother's birthday party (which he recovered from after just 10 minutes but nonetheless it scared the peanuts outta me).... The CHAOTIC array in the living room, the few dishes which remain from Sunday's party, the laundry piled up to my gills (which I know will ALL eventually be dealt with nonetheLESS they represent a LOT of work for me)...

I'm trying to remember how I got through that EVIL Zumba class.  I was really having a hard time following the steps.... the people all around me were distracting and the names of the steps were confusing and if I caught sight of myself in the mirror I was MORTIFIED.... instead of looking around at others or watching myself in the mirror, I just focused on the teacher, and then I think I just gutted it out, looking like a fool, and just MADE IT through.  So I guess that is what I should do here too:  focus on the Teacher... gut it out... look like a fool... and just MAKE it through....  Sometimes in life (and Zumba) you just have to make it through.... the victory is sometimes in just enduring...  you don't have to make it look pretty.... you don't have to be the best... you don't have to move your hips in unfathomable ways like those 70 year old ladies who take Zumba every day.... you just have to make it THROUGH!  And the only way to really do that is to get your focus off your circumstances and yourself, and focus in on the Teacher!

More power to all of you... I'm going to go tackle one of those Rocky Mountains now.  Hope you're having a great day!

Threshold....

So often I hear people say, "God will never give you more than you can handle."  But I don't really agree with that.  I do believe that God DOES allow more than we can independently handle to come into our lives because if we are not pushed past our "threshold" of tolerance we will not grow.

Recently while pondering this concept with my now famous friend, Lori (see blog that made her FAMOUS) I used this analogy.

A personal trainer evaluates his/her client and then comes up with a training program that fits the client.  If the client is a fitness newbie, the exercises will be simpler, the weight used lighter, and the number of repetitions smaller.  If the client is a professional athlete, the exercises will be more complex, the weight used heavier, and the number of repetitions greater.  The goal of the personal trainer is to help the client make fitness improvements.  It is not to hurt the client or to just waste the clients time with exercises that are easy for him/her to complete.

God is the PERFECT personal trainer.  He knows us, body, soul, and mind, better than ANYONE, better than we know ourselves.  He allows us to endure the struggles that He knows will make us stronger.  He doesn't want to hurt us by allowing struggles that are too difficult for us.  Yet He doesn't want to just waste our time here on this planet allowing struggles that bring about no changes in our lives.  The goal of this earth is the "perfecting of our faith."  It takes work to get perfect faith, probably a lot more work than it takes to get a perfect body.

So what's the application here of this funky little analogy:

1.  TRUST... Trust that God knows you.  He knows what you're going through.  He is allowing a tailor made program of struggles designed to perfect YOUR faith.

2.  WORK HARD....  Work hard to get the most of out of this tailor made program.  If you were paying a personal trainer to get you in shape, you would sure as shoot do each repetition exactly as the trainer instructed in order to get the most benefit out of your money.  Approach your struggles just like that.  If you have to go through the mud and the muck of ICKINESS, get some benefit from the pain you are enduring.

3.  DON'T LOOK AROUND....  Don't look around at how much weight is on someone else's weight bar or what type of exercises their trainer has them doing.  Focus on the task in front of you, trusting that what is "on your plate" is exactly what you need.

I promise you all, I am applying all this nonsense I'm spouting off about.

1.  TRUST... I am trusting that God knows that John is AGAIN out of work with something wrong with his brain.  I am trusting that these struggles will perfect our faith.

2.  WORK HARD... I am working hard to get the most out of this struggle.  I'm being gut-level honest with all of you in case someone else can be encouraged by my struggles.  I am reigning in my worries.  I am rejoicing in the positive aspects of what I'm facing.  Just this morning I updated my Facebook status, "I'm thankful for the fact that I get an unexpected, ENTIRE week with my hubby home."  And guess what?  I am!  I am REALLY thankful for extra time with him.  I am trying VERY hard to complete each rep of this little faith perfecting workout with great form.

3.  DON'T LOOK AROUND... Finally, I am putting my blinders on.  You know how they make a horse wear blinders so it doesn't get distracted?  I am trying to put on blinders.  I am trying hard to focus on what God wants ME to learn, glean, endure.  The only time I am taking my eyes off my own business is to pray for other people.

Just wanted you all to know that I'm not just spouting off words that I'm not paying attention to.  I am trying VERY hard to apply what God is revealing to me and what I am sharing with you.  Hope you all have a VERY blessed day!  I promise to update on John's condition as soon as we know anything.

Too blessed to be stressed....

Do you ever just wonder what business God is about? Like I mean, I TRUST Him, and I KNOW that He has my best interest at heart; however, there are times when I just think, "Seriously God? Seriously?" The funny part is this is a RECURRING theme in my life. Almost always I have SO MUCH on my plate that any mere mortal would be in the loony bin from like HALF of what I'm dealing with... It makes me think, "Hmmmmm God what are you doing in this situation? What am I supposed to glean?" and I'm not gonna lie pretty frequently, "When will this all end!?!?!?!"

Take for instance today:

1. John is on the second day of being home with another neck/brain surgery setback. It was really VERY innocent. On Tuesday night, Hannah jumped up on him to hug him then she grabbed his chin to turn his head and give him a kiss, and POW! excruciating pain and he literally collapsed to the bed. Well, not really one to give up without a fight, John went to work on Wednesday but even during his commute when he called, I could tell he was in no shape to work. He was back home shortly after lunch and has not left bed since. The most ironic part of all of this is that on Sunday he said to me, "Babe, I have been trying to deny it for almost two days, but I think I have another kidney stone." Well I don't know how many of you recall that part of the saga. How in late 2008 - early 2009, John had three different bouts with kidney stones, and how one scan of his kidneys revealed "several" stones in the kidneys. AYE YI YI! REALLY!?!?!? So now this one week we are dealing with kidney stones AND brain surgery setbacks. The only good news is that now the pain from his neck is so severe that he can't feel the kidney stones moving.

2. Every now and then this telecommuting thing is not so fun. See Hannah infiltrated my office this morning and picked up my work phone when it was ringing. When I figured that out I wanted to PUKE! I just spent the morning doing damage control: apologizing to the reference, apologizing to the client, apologizing to my boss... My stomach is still in knots from the entire ordeal.

3. Our minivan... so yesterday I rejoiced to my family and even ALL of FB about the fact that our minivan repair, which had been estimated at $600 was only going to be $118.92. Then just before lunch I called to check on the status and the owner of the shop said, "Well that's just the first thing we're trying. We don't know for sure that is going to fix the whole problem. Didn't they tell you that?" Well, no, kind, balloon-popping sir, they did NOT tell me that... thanks for peeing on my parade! I have been CLINGING to my hope though and REFUSING to doubt. I am trying to BELIEVE that the first thing will be the only thing and this will STILL be a miracle from God; however, they STILL haven't called back about it.

So in the midst of all of this, I'm left to wonder a little:

God what are you doing in this situation??? (actually THESE situationS.) This morning I read this out of Hebrews 12:7a Endure hardship as discipline; and from Hebrews 12:11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. I have mused before about why we suffer, but this week as I've been reading in Hebrews I have been hearing over and OVER from God, "WHY you suffer doesn't matter. HOW you suffer DOES!" Take the suffering... take the hardship... as discipline. Discipline doesn't only mean punishment. Discipline also means training. When we endure hardships, we should consider ourselves to be "in training." Now John and I have been in training A LOT since we've been married. I keep telling myself, athletes training for the Olympics require MUCH MORE discipline than those training for a recreation department athletic event. So I keep soothing myself by imagining myself as an Olympic athlete.

What am I supposed to glean??? This question has SO many answers for my situation today. Some of them I am sure have not even been brought to my attention yet. But so far here is what I have:

1. the body is a frail thing. It cannot be cut open and have a portion of it's skull removed without far-lasting implications.

2. pain is sooooooooo relative. Kidney stone pain seems excruciating; however, when compared to the pain of the side-effects from brain surgery... it becomes minute. That is an IMPORTANT lesson... because the stress of having a sick husband, a big boo boo at work, an out of commission minivan can look pretty HUGE but when compared to the stress of _________ it could become minute.

3. EVERYONE makes mistakes. EVERYONE has snafus. See I live in this terrible world where I expect Jami Lynn Kastner to be perfect. One tiny mistake... One tiny screw up.... and I am spiraling out of control, hating myself, thinking I'm worthless. Yes I SHOULD have shut the door to my office. Yes I SHOULD have noticed sooner that Hannah was not upstairs. But EVERYONE makes mistakes. I have to learn to deal with that.

4. Do not EVER let Satan steal your joy. I was dancing around, bawling yesterday when they called to tell me that the van would be $118.92. Then after the second call I couldn't quite conjure up dancing. My parade had been metaphorically peed on, but I still REFUSED to stress or worry about it being more costly. I chose to keep my mind trained on the $118.92 and I REFUSED to look at the $600 looming in the distance. See that is a CHOICE! We ALLOW Satan to steal our joy. We ALLOW Satan to make us worry. We can CHOOSE not to give him that power.

5. God is God over ALL of this too. He is God over John's neck pain. He is God over John's kidneys too. He is God over John's job and this time spent out of work. He is God over my job and the issues Hannah caused. He is God over our minivan and its possessed taillights. He is God!

Finally, to my last question:

When is this all going to end??? I have longed for a VERY long time from relief from continual and constant "testing of my faith"... I know! I know! it's "developing perseverance." I know! I know! "Perseverance must finish its work." I know! I know! that when perseverance finishes its work I will be "mature and complete.... not lacking anything." But guess what???? I am TIRED and I think my faith has been tested enough! But here's the answer to my question... Even if it NEVER ends. Even if this is what the REST OF MY LIFE looks like: wounded husband, tight finances, enough stress on my plate to feed a family of seventeen.... I will STILL praise Him, AND I am STILL too blessed to be stressed!

God has given me more than I could ever ask for. More than I could ever imagine. Whether He has me walking down sunny paths with flowers lining the way or trudging up a rocky cliff with my blood trailing behind... It doesn't matter because I will never stop loving Him and I will never stop believing that I am blessed.

Birthday blog....

On the occasion of my birthday I thought I would reflect on what I've learned over the past 12 months. It's been a rocky year... one that resembles some sort of boot camp experience... but I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I learned A LOT:

1. It is God who holds my heart in His hands. He is the only One who will never let me down, leave me, or betray me. Friends, family members, spouses... They disappoint, leave, betray, even die... But He NEVER will. NEVER!

2. It is very important to keep my focus forward; however, glancing backward to remember where I have been is VITAL when attempting not to repeat past mistakes.

3. You can't fix stupid. This may sound funny coming from a teacher; however I have come to see that I CANNOT change the inane rules my insurance company has... I CANNOT change a headstrong, mule-like person... I just CANNOT fight city hall.... Therefore, some battles are better left unfought.

4. Stress.... It's a killer! Stress will catch up with you. It doesn't matter how much I think I resemble Wonder Woman. It doesn't matter that I think I can handle it. Put your body through continual and constant stress, and eventually, the effects will begin to show.

5. His grace is ALWAYS sufficient. No matter what I FEEL like. No matter what I FEAR. No matter what the devil is whispering to me.... No matter that those aforementioned effects of stress are beginning to show... His grace is ALWAYS sufficient.

6. People are crazy and we live in strange times. (Have to admit I stole this one from my mom and her healthcare seminar).... it's so true... read it again... marinate on it... I think you'll agree.

7. One ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship. (Spanish Proverb) When push comes to shove.... When I am down on my luck... When I feel like I have no one else to turn to... My family is ALWAYS there for me and this I can ALWAYS take to the bank: my Momma loves me.

8. This thing called parenting... Heck this thing called marriage... it just ain't as easy as it looks. There are days when I want to throw the whole kit and caboodle out with the used dishwater, BUT... the benefits... should I choose not to throw in the towel... are well, well, WELL worth it.

9. I am sooooo glad that God chose these specific angels to be my babies. They may be daredevils.... Their heads have been known to spin around.... But they are sweet and smart and kind and polite.... They LOVE Jesus with all of them and THEY ARE MY BABIES! And I am GRATEFUL!

10. John Joseph Kastner is the bravest man I know. He is no saint, and he is not perfect. But he bravely faces down EVERY challenge that comes before him. He will fight to the DEATH for his family and especially his wife. He will never give up no matter how insurmountable the odds seem... no matter how scared he is... no matter what it might cost him. I am ever grateful that my God chose THIS man to complete me... for without him I would be NOTHING.

So there it is... another year older, and actually, I think this year (more than many others) I am actually another year wiser as well. It is NOT a year I wish to repeat EVER again, but it is definitely a year that brought me closer to God, my husband, my children, and my family. It was definitely a year that made me stronger. Hope I'm not too whimpy though if I ask just one thing as a "birthday wish"...

Dear God, Can I please have an easier year next?

Free to be me.....

I'm back from the edge of the abyss of exhaustion (I think). Maybe I should never blog at night because by the end of the day I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO wiped out that I just don't have the energy to pull out my cheerleader smile and put a positive spin on things. However, that being said... I do think that last night's, "Woe is me" blog ministered to at least one dear friend. See, she too needs a few fruity drinks delivered by Mr. Vin Diesel. This blog is for you, my friend, and don't forget there are like THREE houses for sale in my neighborhood ;)

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

But You've already won the battle! All this crud we struggle through... it is TOUGH! All this pain we have to endure... it HURTS! Healing and restoration are NO FUN! Sometimes you really feel you are losing every skirmish around you, but do NOT forget: He's already won the battle! He's won it! This stupid stuff we are dealing with seems so all-consuming, but it is but a mist, but a vapor... and what is really important.... what really matters... He already took care of that, and it's a victory for our side!

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

But perfection is my enemy! It's okay that life's not perfect. It's okay that life's hard. Some of us need to give ourselves (and our lives) a break, and realize that perfection is not all it's cracked up to be. Imperfection has it's beauty too. Imperfection is what brings us to Jesus. Without imperfection we don't need Him. I, for one, am SO glad I need Him.

But on Your shoulders I can see.... I'm free to be ME! Climb up on those big shoulders of your Daddy and be FREE! You don't have to walk anymore when you're up on His shoulders. You don't have to climb. You can just be FREE to be yourself... to not worry about falling... to have your load carried.... to be FREE!

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

But things don't always come that easy.... Things don't always go that easy. For some of us they are harder still. This earth we live in is not our home. It is under the dominion of an evil, crafty, vicious enemy. He tries to steal our joy. He tries to kill our hope. He tries to DESTROY us! See he doesn't believe my first point. He doesn't think that God's already won the battle. He thinks there is some slight chance that he can win in the end, and he is NOT going to give up until he has given all he has got to obtain his objective.

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything.... There are days when you feel like, "I am woman hear me roar." Relish those days! Use them to shore yourself up. Bask in the feeling that together you and God can do anything.

Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring.... We all have those gloomy, Eyeore days... Days when we feel like everything is just wrong. Days when we feel like WE are just wrong. On those days, don't forget that the truth never changed. Together you and God can do anything.

But you look at my heart and You tell me that I've got all You seek.... He doesn't want our perfection. He doesn't want our strength. For HIS strength is made perfect in our WEAKNESS. All He wants is a heart that loves Him. Once again, my favorite character in the Bible is David. He has always been my favorite. Wanna know why? Because after ALL he did: adultery, murder.... God STILL calls him a man after His own heart. When it is all said and done that is what really matters.... not the rips in our jeans or the dents in our fenders, BUT a heart that loves God.

So my dear friend.... this one was for you. I feel some of your pain. I've yet to travel the other. But still I know this one truth: if your heart is following after Him that's all that matters.

Cherish those dents in your fender. Relish in those rips in your jeans. They are battle scars that remind you, His grace is sufficient and His power is shown in our weakness.

Love you much! (and don't forget about the houses for sale!)

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will BOAST all the more gladly about my WEAKNESS, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Another fruity drink please, Mr. Vin Diesel

Sometimes I literally and truly wonder if I will make it through all of this. I mean SERIOUSLY what kind of person can handle THIS! I'm not some sort of super human.... I'm just a girl... One puny, measly, fearful, insecure, little girl!

"Send in the reinforcements! Shore up the line! The B team MUST take the court! For this front line fighter is done! Toast! Spent!"

I want a break! I need a vacation from all this misery! I want to plant my big white butt on the sand in Fiji while a cabana boy who looks like Vin Diesel brings me fruity drinks with umbrellas in them! I'll come back and fight the battle later. I'm not deserting FOREVER! I just need a little hiatus from the hassling... Just a tiny little lull in the character shaping... A small pause in the healing...

Don't they give burn victims a break in between skin grafts? When someone suffers extreme trauma aren't there MULTIPLE surgeries so they can have time in between to heal? For goodness sake even this one little tooth implant they want to give me has to be done in two parts so the screw thingy holding the fake tooth in place can grow into the bone or something like that.

Alas.... there is no white sand beach in my near future.... People have said John looks a little like Vin Diesel but I'm not sure John has any little umbrellas at his disposal. So I guess it is back to the grind for this peasant. I just hope God remembers this one thing, "I'm just one girl."

"Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling." 2 Corinthians 5:2

Gleaning from our suffering....

I believe the reasons for this thing called suffering are many faceted. I've blogged about it before. Suffering can be a natural consequence of a choice made. Suffering can be our faith being tested and purified. Suffering can be for the blessing and encouragement of others. Today I think maybe suffering can be for the sake of my children.... so that something beautiful can be birthed in them.

Back at Christmas, when Christmas Angels blessed us with a MULTITUDE of gifts, our children became inspired to do the same for another family next year. They've been saving their allowance ever since. Today I saw in my children another beautiful thing birthed out of our suffering.

This afternoon, Elijah brought the mail in, and the second I saw the return address, I knew what was inside. As I pulled out the note card and opened it up, tears started to build in the back of my throat. A check was taped closed inside, but I bypassed it savoring the encouraging words I found. I started reading the note, "Kastner family, The Lord has laid your family on our hearts..." Then at the end a P.S. that let me know someone is reading these words I blog, "I hope from this your little ones can enjoy their favorite meals." Without opening the check yet, I lifted it to read the words written beneath, "Thanks so much for sharing on your blogs....." Finally I opened the check. My breath caught at the sight of the amount! This check wouldn't just help our little ones enjoy their favorite meals.... it would help us get our new washer too!!!! The tears spring quickly from my eyes, and I hiccuped a quick cry.

Hannah said, "Guys! Mom's crying." As I closed the card, I said, "It's good tears, Hannah. It's good tears." Noah, wise beyond his years and "first in class" in this course entitled, "The suffering of the Kastner family," quickly said, "Someone blessed us with a check didn't they?" I nodded, words eluding me.... the discernment of my baby... the BLESSING from God.... the conviction of how ONCE AGAIN my faith had wobbled a little... they were all overcoming me again. Noah came to me and grabbed my hands in the middle of the kitchen and just started praying,

"Dear Lord,

Thank you for blessing us! Thank you for the people who blessed us. We pray that you bless them. Bless them today. Bless them this month. Bless them this year. Keep on blessing and blessing and blessing them.

Amen."

I opened my eyes and gazed at this 10-year old man of God standing in front of me. If I never, ever have another penny the rest of my life.... If I have to rely upon the goodness of God's people, humbling myself and laying down my pride to accept the charity of my brothers and sisters in Christ all the days of my life... it will all be worthwhile. For my children IMMEDIATELY look to God when we are blessed. They immediately KNOW who blessed us. It wasn't Mr. & Mrs. ___________ from Podunk, OK who blessed us. It was GOD! So they immediately give Him praise. But they also know the second thing to do when someone blesses us, they ask God to bless them right back.

So thank you Mr. & Mrs. ______________ from Podunk, OK. Thank you for blessing us! The Kastner children WILL eat their favorite meals all weekend and into next week for sure! And the Kastners will finally have a wash machine again too. But more than that.... so much more valuable than that, your gift helped teach four little children (and their ever forgetful Momma) that God NEVER forgets them.... that there are angels walking among us.... and that it is VERY blessed to be generous.

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25:40

Put on love...

Did you know that a state trooper without much to do on a Sunday morning can pull you over because your front license plate is only attached by one of the two bolts? We know that now.

Serious as a heart attack, this morning lead-foot hubby is driving WELL within the speed limit because now that he is driving on an occupational license from too many points for speeding he knows hasn't-had-a-ticket-in-6-years wifey may KILL him for exceeding the speed limit by even one mile. We drive past about four cops pulling people over (boy that crowd headed to church on Sunday morning must be more dangerous than the bar crowd letting out at 2 am). Speed demon hubby (again INCHING along at the posted limit) is exiting freeway while wifey says, "Boy are they out in force this morning!" Sure enough... flashing lights in the rearview mirror.

I am actually starting to believe my husband's paranoid assertion that the man with the badge is out to get him. We got a warning for violating a traffic regulation. There was no fine associated with the warning. It comes with no points. I asked the police officer, and we don't even have to take the citation in and prove we fixed the problem. Pretty much that whole pull over was just to make sure that we nearly missed church. We deposited the children at their respective Sunday school areas and scooted into service just in time to catch the very last song of the worship set. (Which was lucky cuz at our church, you cannot reenter the sanctuary during the preaching of the word.)

Pastor Aaron was ON FIRE again today, and coincidentally enough (although I, just like Leroy Jethro Gibbs, do not believe in coincidences) his sermon included EXACTLY what I had planned to blog about today. The second thing that God has been teaching me through this incredibly stressful, testing time: And over all these virtues put on love, (Colossians 3:14a)

See through all the things I spewed about yesterday: caring for two elderly (and not always very agreeable) relatives, having no wash machine, crabby husband plagued by tight neck muscles, still not quite able to pay the bills, and a SERIOUS desire to assault a law enforcement officer this morning.... besides praying without ceasing, God has been telling me to put on love. When I am at the end of my patience.... when I have nothing left to give.... when I have cleaned up one too many poop accidents... when I am frustrated with lead foot hubby... when I want to deck a cop who had nothing better to do with his time then make us late for church because of a stupid license plate.... put on love....

You can NEVER go wrong with this strategy. You are NOT going to EVER stand before God and hear: Gosh you just loved too often. I really wish you had been cranky more. or You were too kindhearted. You shoulda been a bit more selfish.

And over all these virtues put on love.... It has been seeping slowing into the recesses of my mind. I am not getting the application of it very well, because with the heat turned up pretty high on me, I am having a hard time donning the coat of love.... I'd prefer to blow up when the kids are whining about doing their lessons. I'd prefer to be snarky when Gma is fighting me about watching her sugar intake. I'd prefer to offer some CHOICE words to sore, stiff-necked hubby. And I REALLY would have preferred to punch that State Trooper in the face.

Instead, I am trying very hard to remind myself that love is NEVER a bad option. It should be my "go-to" strategy ESPECIALLY when things get hot. So today (THANKFULLY because it kept us out of jail) instead of punching that officer, I pleasantly said, "Have a nice day." As John slowly pulled away.

Here's to putting on love! It is a wonderful strategy.

Pray without ceasing....

My life has been so stressful lately! Many have expressed concern over the blogs I've been posting. I guess that's the downside to bare naked honesty. Too much is never enough. I try sometimes to keep a few of MY details out, in order to make my writing applicable to more people, but then I seem to muddy the water and arouse suspicion. Idk...

Just this week I told John, my gut was getting sketchy and was telling me to run away from my life as a lesson for awhile, like I did this past summer when the heat was turned up too high. He encouraged me to take a different route this time. Wisely advising, that possibly by standing through the heat God would reveal even more to me.

So here I stand. My yuck displayed (or at least mostly displayed) for all to see. I've really been going through it lately. I can't EXACTLY finger when this most recent plunge into the depths began, but it has been a rough start to 2010, a year I had hoped would be MARKEDLY better than its predecessor 2009, a year which will go down in infamy as the year that nearly destroyed Jami Lynn Kastner.

Since the middle of January, I have been helping the rest of my family to care for my elderly grandmother. This is a labor of love for all of us; however, even when laboring for love you can get depleted. All of us are playing different roles in this play entitled Keep Gma out of a Nursing Home as Long as Humanly Possible. For me it involves traveling to Franklin (a 1-hour drive one way) twice per week and working and homeschooling from my parents' house while caring for Gma. I also prepare dinner (most of the time) for my entire family on those days and try to keep Hannah from destroying my mother's things (not very successful at that one). Caring for Gma is not THAT bad in the grand scheme of things. Her care involves mostly gently cajoling her to do the things she needs to do: teeth brushing, hair brushing and ensuring her meds are taken and vitals are recorded. I do prepare her meals (but big WUP I was doing that for four little ones anyways.... what's adding in one more mouth to prep food for). Most things she is still capable of doing herself. Also, this labor is not without its perks. I am compensated monetarily. We are fed from my parents' pantry two days a week. They have cable, a fact the children RELISH. However, it is still exhausting to take the Crazy Kastner Show on the road two times per week.

Add into the insanity the fact that our washer broke about a month ago. So for that long I have been dragging the laundry of a family of seven to and from Franklin with us twice per week. Again.... there is ALWAYS a silver lining.... my Gma and Auntie Marge fold all my clothes while we are at my parents, but still it is EXCRUCIATING to have this big of a family and have no washer. We are VERY close to hopefully having enough money to replace the beast, but until we do.... on I plod dragging my dirty (and then clean) clothes to and from Mom & Dad's.... being a burden to my parents electric bill and depleting their laundry supplies... and remaining incapable of instantly cleaning up any childlike emergencies (puke, HUGE milk spills which become VERY stinky when stored for 3 or 4 days, other things to delicate for the senses to be posted here).

Oh and that brings up the next little stress to my system. My Great Aunt (also elderly and now incapable of living independently) moved in with us at the beginning of February. In many ways, this is not so bad. She pays us room & board (which is a HUGE help). She LOVES and ADORES the kids and frequently occupies them (especially Hannah who could definitely use 24-hour observation to keep her out of trouble). However, it is still a shock to our system to have a new person in our house. She does require assistance and care, which is a little hard but I keep telling her (because she feels bad and that she is a burden to an already stressed out woman) she changed my diapers when I was a baby... I can do my part and get her a cup of coffee or remind her to take her meds. It is, however, quite "interesting" living with someone who has spent the past five years basically being a hermit. She has REALLY toned down the continual talking about inconsequential things; however, she still reads me EVERY SINGLE street sign we pass when we are in the car. It's like I have a living breathing GPS system sitting next to me. That means that four times a week for one hour each time I have to hear,

"Madison Road. Turning onto Madison Road."

"Hwy 33. We're at Hwy 33."

"Washington County. We're in Washington County now."

"Hwy 41. That's how we get to Milwaukee. Hwy 41."

"Germantown. Already in Germantown."

ALL THE WAY TO AND FROM Franklin! It is interesting to say the least.

The typical Kastner stresses have been heating up too.... John's neck/shoulder muscles have been revolting lately. They seem to get tighter by the day. The other night he walked into the bedroom, and his shoulders were nearly touching his earlobes. The pain and tightness tends to make him a "little" crabby to the point that I'm about ready to make a bed for him on the front porch and start sliding his meals through the screen door. And lack of money... ahhhh lack of money my constant companion..... we are now just $106 away from paying off our van yet last month we had to scrape and struggle to come up with a HUGE amount of back payments to ensure we were allowed to keep the dilapadated beast we just about own. I cannot remember the last time I was able to go to the grocery store and just BUY the things we need. This week I promised the kids that the second I had the full amount budgeted for groceries they could each pick their favorite meal and that week we'd have "Favorites Week" for dinners. They are so sick of having no "snackies" in the house, but yet they still don't tire of pancakes for dinner. PLEASE!!!! No one tell them that this is because pancakes cost just pennies per serving and make a VERY economical dinner. They think I am spoiling them!

Finally, add into this recipe for a breakdown: stress with my work, still adjusting to living in a new community, my oldest entering the "tween" stage and acquiring a rare, but oh so lovely, teenage type attitude, rolling my stinking ankle every time I try to get a little "me-time" by working out, a bum back cuz I'm old & out of shape, my face breaking out like a teenager, having a husband I rarely see cuz he works two jobs, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF!

I've been begging God for answers, solutions, coping strategies, and as always, He "gives generously to all without finding fault" (from James 1:5) I have been getting some answers, and here's the first one.

pray continually; I Thessalonians 5:17

That's the entire verse. I swear it is. If you don't believe me, look it up! It doesn't say, "Pray when you're in trouble." It isn't, "Pray when good things happen." It isn't even, "Pray morning, noon and night." I think that I Thessalonians 5:17 may be the most poignant verse in the whole Bible.... "pray continually;" (emphasis mine)

I looked up continually. Here's what I found:

1 : continuing indefinitely in time without interruption

2 : recurring in steady usually rapid succession

Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession.... Is that how you pray??? I guess I'll have to examine that idea to arrive at my answer to that question.

At first I guess I thought that God was saying to me, "Pray some more, Jami." But the more I looked at it, the more I came to a different conclusion.

If my directive from God's Word is to pray "Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession...." I guess I would have to look at EVERYTHING I do as part of my prayer. I stopped to think: Is my life lived as a prayer to God? Are my words formed as a prayer to God? When I'm talking to my children? Is it language worthy of being before the throne of God? When I'm working? Is it work worthy of being before the throne of God? When I am relaxing? Is it in a manner worthy of being before the throne of God?

This concept is rocking my world. [Quick Sidenote: I absolutely LOVE and ADORE the way God takes a concept we know... one we have known since Sunday School.... one we memorized in AWANA.... one we heard about in Youth Group.... even one we clung to in previous dark days.... and REVOLUTIONIZES its meaning to us so we understand and KNOW it more deeply more completely... the same yet completely different.] This morning it came to fullness in my heart. It had been kinda lurking around in the shadows of busyness for several days and today it stepped out into the light and made itself FULLY known.

pray continually;

So that's the first coping strategy God is giving me.... turn my life into a prayer to Him.... make every word I say.... every action I execute.... a PRAYER TO HIM.... make my inner thoughts and the aroma of my attitude a PRAYER TO HIM.... be CONTINUALLY (Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession....) in prayer.

That's my challenge to you today too....

pray continually;

I've got tons more that God is teaching me through all of this, but today's blog is long enough. You'll have to wait until tomorrow for more. So until tomorrow...

pray continually;

Worship Wednesday: God of this City

You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

A family is a city. That's what I ALWAYS think of when I sing this part. It's not that I don't care about my city, state, nation. It's just that God continually calls my heart to thoughts of this "city" John and I are building here. He is the God of THIS city (the Kastner family). He is the King of THESE people (the Kastner family). He is the Lord of THIS nation (the Kastner family). I have this strong and abiding conviction that John and I are building something GREAT here in this thing called the Kastner family.

Sunday morning I prepared to resume walking after my Lucy-like episode which resulted in a twisted ankle. I started out down the hill and not even halfway down, I stepped in a pothole and rolled my SAME ankle! I stood there ankle throbbing and told Jeremiah, who was preparing to bike while I walked, "I hurt myself I have to go back in." He started to walk towards me, and I said, "Oh honey, you don't have to walk me back up I can do it." He said, "No, Mom, I wanted to pray for you." He is the God of THIS family. He is!

You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are

I believe this "city" John and I are building is something so great that it threatens Satan. I believe that's part of why we have had to overcome so much. I think Satan attacks those who pose the greatest threat to him. For about three weeks now, I have been walking down a dark and deep valley. I have scraped my knee on the rock of logical consequences. I have rolled my ankle in the pothole of past sins. I have wrenched my back tripping over the little rocks Satan keeps tossing in my path just because he can. I can see my house in the distance, far away, behind the fog.... I'm trying to plod on to get to my safe haven, still safety is so far away. But there He is in the darkness; lighting the way. There He is when it's hopeless; giving me hope. There He is when the storm rages; giving me peace.

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

NO ONE! There is NO ONE like our God. NO ONE! There is NO ONE else who created an entire universe. There is NO ONE else who is perfect, all-knowing, all-powerful, omnipresent. There is NO ONE else who stepped down from a heavenly throne to walk this earth as a common man only to DIE to set us free from our sins. There is NO ONE else who rose again. There is NO ONE else who can get me through this day. There is NO ONE else who deserves my praise.

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City

Greater things have yet to come. And greater things are still to be done in THIS city (the Kastner family). I cling to my tattered, weather-beaten, torn up hope that GREATER THINGS HAVE YET TO COME for the Kastner family. He DOES have a plan for this family. It IS a plan to give us HOPE and a FUTURE. I will NOT let Satan steal my hope. I will not!

Because you know what??? Even if this is all the Kastner family EVER experiences for the rest of our time here on earth: medical woes, financial struggles, relational issues.... There is something so much greater when this life is done. So whether we see the greater things here on earth or in eternity, they WILL come. They WILL!

I hope you have a WONDERFUL Worship Wednesday. If this song doesn't do it for you, maybe the knowledge that Friday is just one more day away will. Have a great day!

Lucy! You got some essplainin' to do!

As I sit here at my desk, scraped knee throbbing and twisted ankle aching, I am pondering the realization I came to last night: I often feel like my life is an episode of I Love Lucy. Now I don't have too many recollections of specific episodes of I Love Lucy. In fact, the only one I can pull up right now had Lucy & Ethel working in a candy factory, and in order to keep up with the conveyor line they were stuffing candies into their mouths. That's all I've got. However, I do remember the entire gist of the show was Lucy (and typically Ethel) getting into trouble and just having CHAOS ensue all around her. Here's the episode of I Love Jami that played out yesterday.

To set the scene, I have had a DIFFICULT week and a half or so, which started with a ton of emotional "re-healing," on the heels of which came my baby girl developing pneumonia, all throughout this time my work has been stressing me out to the point I fear I will stroke out, and then throw in a dash of normal Kastner Kraziness: a diorama had to be made for AWANA, Hannah's Cubbies' vest has been missing for two weeks, the wash machine has been broken for three weeks, we had to scrape together the money to get current on the van payment this week OR ELSE, and on top of all that, I decided to start working out to get back into shape. I haven't been drinking NEARLY enough coffee to compensate for these occurrences, but the exercise endorphins have been helping.

Soooooooooooooooooo.... I spent the day yesterday working. I sent out eight reports!!! (that's VERY good.... trust me.... typical would be 2 or 3) I also ROCKED our homeschooling world with my new rule: NO TV or Xbox until EVERY bit of school is done! The only TV break they took (in order to give me time to wrap up a little more work) was to watch a documentary on Australia I found on Netflix. By 1 p.m. we were done with school and by 4 p.m., I had gotten in nearly six hours of work! I was CRUISING!

I was bound and determined to workout even though tonight was AWANA and that was going to put some boundaries on my time frame. So at 4:30 I took off down the cul-de-sac on the cardio portion of my workout. As I traveled down the street, I saw there was a house for sale. Out of curiosity, I picked up a flyer and then to be funny, I started texting the details to my sister. I said, "Wanna move? 222K.... 3 BR... 3 bath... 1.25 acres..." POW! The pain hit me like a freight truck, from out of nowhere! Texting while walking is apparently just as dangerous as texting while driving for someone like Lucy (I mean Jami). I had veered too far to the left and stepped off the pavement onto the rocky shoulder, rolling my ankle and CRASHING to the ground forcefully. My ankle was twisted, my knee scraped, and my hands were burning (I had my gloves off so I could text better). I got up quickly and started hobbling towards home. It must have been the exercise endorphins or something, but it wasn't feeling too bad so I finished my first lap and started my second. They started wearing off in the second lap though, and I had to hobble back up my driveway.... AHHHHHHHHHHHH! to the house and RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) my ankle.

After 15 minutes of RICE, I had to get up and get to work on dinner. I went to the kitchen sink to wash my hands and flipped the faucet to on. sputter, sputter, SPUT! No water came out. I don't know why (call it mother's intuition) but the FIRST thing that flew through my mind was (HANNAH!!!!!!) Somehow in my spirit, I just knew this was her work. I checked under the kitchen sink to see if the tube to the faucet was crimped. Nope! Then I went to the mudroom to check if a breaker was tripped. Nope! I traveled to all the other faucets on the first floor to see if any of them had water. Nope! Finally, destination downstairs I checked the basement bathroom faucet. Nope! Just too investigate ALL options (even though I still suspected Hannah) I checked the well/septic tank meter thingy...green light is good. Nope! I called John and went to accuse the boys of messing with something outside. Nope! They hadn't done ANYTHING (well that remains to be seen, but they weren't the water culprits. They were just playing in the quickly disappearing snow).

John said he would finish up one thing at work and head home early. I left a message for the landlord and then got an idea. If this was a problem with the well, then the other two homes that share our well should be having water troubles too. So I hobbled up the hill to the first house, trying to baby my ankle but not having much luck as the bending of my knee brought misery too. No one was home. I continued on to the second house starting to huff and puff from the exertion of climbing this hilly terrain with an injury on each leg. They had water. So it wasn't the well.

All the way back to my house the thought, "Hannah did something. Hannah did something." kept echoing in my brain. I decided to take one more look. I went into the furnace room (which just so happened to have a burnt out light and I therefore could not see anything) and was drawn (in the dark) to this orange lever. Somehow I just felt like this might be the problem. However, keep in mind, I am NO plumber. I actually had no idea if this lever controlled gas, water, or even sewage. But something inside me said, "Turn it!" As I gently turned it, I heard something liquid starting to rush through the pipe. I quickly turned it back to the starting place. I sent Noah upstairs with instructions to try the kitchen faucet and then turned the lever again. Voila! We had water! The water main shut off is in the hallway outside my office (the furnace room). It is LITERALLY at Hannah's elbow level (about two feet off the ground). I am POSITIVE that while standing outside my office in the "Knock and wait for Momma to finish her work call" posture, she just got bored and decided to play with that lever. AHHHHHHHHH! Crisis number 2 solved.

Racing upstairs barking orders to don AWANA clothes and jackets, find AWANA books, and GET IN THE CAR, I also placed calls to John and the landlord informing them the problem had been solved. As I was heading for the door to get in the minivan, Noah came rushing in, "We forgot to put the seats back in the van!" The boys had cleaned the van on Monday, and now we were down the entire back row of seats because they forgot to put them back! With no time to wrestle that stupid seat (which is ANYTHING but easy to remove and reinstall) I instructed Noah to just ride in the front seat with the seat slightly reclined (Something I RARELY do.... I promise! Do NOT turn me in to the seat belt police!) We headed off for AWANA and that was when the realization hit me, "My life is like an episode of I Love Lucy!" However, my conveyor belt wasn't finished moving quickly yet.... There was still time in this episode for a cherry on top of the sundae.

I dropped the kids at AWANA (somehow in the chaos Hannah had left her book at home so now she was minus her missing vest AND minus her book). I hobbled back to the car and returned home to see how John was doing installing my new under-the-sink water filtration system which had arrived just today. Here it is.... here's the cherry: The system we received was damaged. It couldn't be installed. We'd have to go through a return/exchange process and wait for a new one to arrive. I collapsed into my chair... throbbing knee, aching ankle, tightening back and shoulder (when you're old falling has widespread effects which aren't always initially noticed) SCREAMING and sighed. "Well, tomorrow's a brand new day," I thought.

I woke up this morning itching to get this I Love Lucy blog live. I had NO idea what lesson I was going to spin this into. I just knew that I had suffered through that sitcom-like evening, and I was going to get some mileage out of it! About halfway through typing this, Noah (the first one awake today) came downstairs. Last night, he went to sleep watching Facing the Giants, and now he had something written down his arm (from shoulder to wrist). He proudly displayed his homemade tattoo and told me it was his new motto. "Never give up. Never back down. Never lose faith." That was my lesson! It's the lesson you are all supposed to learn from "watching" this episode of I Love Jami. NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH.

That's what I'm gonna do.

NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH.

A season of solitude....

It seems for quite some time now that God has been walking me through a season of solitude. Some days this solitude is welcome, but some days it is just lonely.

Less than a year ago, we were living in Franklin. We were surrounded by neighbors, about eleven two-family homes on our cul-de-sac. There was hustle and bustle all around us. We had random drop-bys from friends, family, former cheerleaders, and youth group kids. It kept us on our toes and meant we were rarely (if ever) alone. We were involved in a small church where we knew EVERYONE. Going to church wasn't just a spiritual event, it was a social event too. The grocery store was just 5 minutes away and Taco Bell, blessed Taco Bell, was just 5 minutes away as well.

Today, we live in Butt-Nowhere, WI. Our current cul-de-sac holds about seven single-family homes. Our doorbell never rings. Friends have to plan most of a day in order to come visit us. Our church is HUGE, and we hardly know anyone there. The grocery store is 3x as far, and Taco Bell, blessed Taco Bell, I hardly remember what a run for the border feels like.

This morning I was feeling loneliness settling around me. While last week was rough, this week started out even better! (heavy sarcasm here) This weekend Hannah had a bit of a cough, but really nothing to blog about. Sunday afternoon and evening she was running around playing, with a cough, cough here and a cough, cough there. About 8 or 9 p.m., we were lying in my bed watching Hannah Montana The Movie, and she said to me, "Mom I can't keep my eyes open." The poor baby was so wiped out. What I didn't know was that moment was the beginning of a downward spiral. She spent the night vomiting mucous and spiking a fever. At its height her fever was about 103 UNDER HER ARMPIT!!! The next morning we called the pediatrician who wanted to see her, and our fears were confirmed. She has pneumonia. The good news: it was caught early, and therefore will require only a course of antibiotics to get rid of it. The bad news: she can't stand the "pink medicine," and it is VERY hard to get a 3-year old to swallow something they don't want to swallow.

Anyway, I was feeling the exhaustion of having a sick baby on the heels of an emotional week and I started to feel so lonely. As I peered out the window at the gray fog enveloping my neighborhood, I felt the gray fog of sadness crowding in close. All of a sudden in my spirit, I heard Eva's beautiful voice singing:

This world holds nothing for me

I will follow you

This world holds nothing for me

I will follow you

I let the words of that song wash over me:

I need you Jesus to come to my rescue

Where else can I go?

There's no other name by which I am saved

Capture me with grace

I felt Him swarming in and surrounding me. I felt His presence comforting me. My troubles were still there: Hannah still has pneumonia. I am still struggling through an emotional battlefield. I have worries and cares, but:

Lord, I put my trust in You

I think that's the lesson of my "season of solitude..." THIS WORLD HOLDS NOTHING FOR ME. I think my Father has pulled me apart from all the busyness and noise of service and friendship and fun to place me in a simpler, quieter place where I can focus more on Him. Where I allow Him to fulfill all my needs. So here I am these words running through my head:

This world has nothing for me

This world has nothing for me

I will follow You

I will follow You

With my eyes refocused for the day and new hope planted in my heart, I'm going to go start my day. Hope This world holds nothing for you today too.

Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

I trust you Lord

[disclaimer: I am NO poet.... TRUST ME I'm not! This is just my heart right now.... laid out bare and ugly]

I struggle to see what You're doing here

I do not understand

Yet I trust You Lord

The water is murky

The mist oh so thick

Yet I trust You Lord

The pain intensifies....

waves upon waves

Yet I trust You Lord

This night has been unending

The sun eludes me still

Yet I trust You Lord

Each "bottom" I thud against

Gives way, proving itself false

Yet I trust You Lord

My tears are my food

day & night

Yet I trust You Lord

What doesn't kill me...

makes me stronger

And I trust You Lord

I'm an Idiot (I mean optimist)

Why do I ALWAYS believe the best in people? Why do I get these lofty ideas that THIS time will be different? They won't let me down. A Christian wouldn't do THAT to me. They've learned their lesson. They care about me too much to make that choice. Normal people aren't that mean.

The truth is much of the time, people WILL let you down. A Christian would do THAT. It takes a LONG time before people learn their lessons. Even when someone cares about you they can make BAD choices. Finally, normal people are sinful, vile creatures... just like me.

What to do when faced with FILTH of another person's act? A boss, a friend, a spouse, a family member...

Well first of all you do the forgiveness thing.... yada yada yada. I'm not being flip here because I don't believe in forgiveness. I'm being flip because forgiveness is like Christianity 101. I've got that one down. In fact, many people in my life are on me because I am TOO forgiving. They purport there are certain things that should NOT be forgiven and/or that I forgive a little too easily and completely.

Here's where I get hung up.... I get hung up on wallowing in the WHY of it all. Why did they let me down? Why did they do it again? And WHAT can I do to avoid it in the future. See there is a very dark side to the fact that I am very good at taking personal responsibility for things. I often find myself slipping into blaming myself when things happen to me, even things that are CLEARLY out of my control.

I'm sitting here right now staring at a situation. I keep saying to myself, "Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time will be different." But deep down in my soul I know, I just KNOW it will not. This person is going to make the same poor choice again. They will not have learned a THING from their past actions. [I promise with ALL of me if they surprise me I will admit it here. I swear I will.] But even though my soul is so sure it will turn out exactly the way it always has in the past, my heart keeps whispering, "Not this time. Not this time." I guess it's good that I'm able to be optimistic, but it feels like I'm just an idiot.

This past summer I faced a similar situation. I could see the writing on the wall. I knew that an ICKY thing was coming my way. Yet there I sat believing the best, trusting and hoping. Even while all the evidence was being laid out in front of me, I continued on in my idiotic (optimistic) hopeful ways. Firmly and surely, God kept advising my soul, "Do NOT put your trust in men. Put your trust in ME." He kept saying it to me over and over. At first, I thought that meant I was supposed to trust Him to keep the bad thing from happening, but then the ax fell, and I saw the truth. He was there to pick up the pieces from what man had broken. He was there holding me the whole time. Before, during, and after, my life fell apart. He will NEVER let me down. I feel Him saying this to me again today, in this much more minor situation. The path that is chosen this time may be similar to the one that has always been chosen before. Man may let me down AGAIN, but God NEVER, EVER will. God will be there when the sin of this world has been spewed all over me. God will be there to pick up the pieces of my shattered hopes. God will be there in the life-altering and merely annoying disappointments. He will be THERE.

While sometimes I think it would be easier if I prepared for the worst, so the good things were a pleasant surprise. I guess I'm mostly glad that God has got this Idiot (I mean optimist) in the palm of His hand. I'm glad that no matter what man might do to me, He will NEVER let me down.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20b

Letting go...

Why do I have such a hard time letting go??? I'm not really a hoarder. (Although my husband would probably disagree as he is DEFINITELY a purger extrordinaire.) I haven't been saving the jeans I wore senior year of high school hoping to fit back into them. I don't have every single solitary Sunday school project my children ever created. In fact, I actually took part in LOSING one of Jeremiah's baby teeth. The last one that fell out came out at my parents' house, and I have NO idea where it ended up. Yet still on I struggle to let go of what seems like it was never meant to be.

I pray and pray and pray for God to help me let go of my grasp on it. Yet the feelings of sadness and sorrow and longing remain. So then I start to think, "WAIT! Maybe God doesn't want me to let go. Maybe I'm supposed to persevere in hope?" So I get my hopes up a little and cling tightly to what is clearly just a vapor.... a shadow of what it used to be.

How to know? How to know? Like when you're facing a new job opportunity.... how to know what's God's will? When there are positives and negatives on BOTH sides, how do you know which way to go.

Here's the best I've come up with. It's not rocket science. In fact in some ways it's not even a choice..... WAIT. Just WAIT. When you aren't sure which path to travel, when you're unsure if you should let go or hang on, when you're singing along with the Clash, "Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay there will be trouble... If I go it will be double..." Just WAIT.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Waiting is no fun, but when you are unsure what to do I think it is the best strategy. I've been sitting on a decision since Saturday. I had the weirdest dream on Friday night that actually turned out to be creepily prophetic. I spent the day Saturday feeling a bit like I was on Sixth Sense.... I see dead people... okay the people in my dream weren't dead but it was weird to dream something and then see it come true the next day! I tried hard all weekend to figure out what this dream meant. What did God want me to do with this crazy situation? I still cannot figure out if he is telling me to proceed in faith and speak or let go and wash my hands of the situation.

I thought maybe typing this out would make my decision more clear, but it has not. So.... if you're looking for me... I'll be right here.... waiting.... He'll speak. I know He will. But His timing is not my timing. So until His time.... I will WAIT.

Blog silence....

WOW! Last week hit me in the face like a ton of BRICKS! Sorry if you missed my ramblings here online, but I had a CRAZY week with NO time for blogging. Quickly, lessons I learned:

1. Snow makes EVERYONE crazy! It makes drivers crazy. It makes Mommas crazy. It makes EVERYONE lose their minds. Note to all: snow is just rain but a little colder!

2. Cassie Jastrow is ALREADY an amazing hair stylist. No joke! The girl's only been in stylist school (or whatever they call it these days) for about 5 months and she is AWESOME! Must be a natural, because she did a GREAT job! (Shameless plug for Cassie: You TOO can get your hair cut by her all day on Monday's at the Aveda Institute downtown.... just $15!)

3. A family of 7 makes A LOT of laundry in just 4 days of a broken wash machine. Especially when day 1 of said broken wash machine started with the Momma behind on laundry. AYE CARUMBA!

4. 40-year olds should NOT attempt to sleep on couches... or on floors for that matter.

5. A certain blog writer maybe should have listened more carefully to Momma made crazy by snow in order to avoid being snowed in down in Franklin and having to endure #4.

6. Things always seem to work their way out. No matter how crazy and undecipherable they seem... they always seem to just work their way through.... Very seldom ending in complete and utter destruction. (This thought should be recalled next time I am up to my eyeballs in elephant dung.)

7. Traveling up my driveway should NEVER... repeat NEVER be attempted when said driveway is snow covered.

8. Country peops are not THAT friendly. Sure they'll wave as they pass by but will any of them stop to help a woman struggling with and bloodying herself on a stalled snow blower.... not really.

9. I should NEVER, EVER again treat McDonald's in a disdainful manner. Not even counting the fact that a good portion of our livelihood comes from this establishment..... the number of times that place has been a godsend bringing peace to my insanely loud minivan... bestowing comfort to my weary ears.... and even bailing me out when I'm trapped at the bottom of my driveway, can't get into the house to feed the kids, and have to leave for AWANA in 20 minutes.... NEVER again shall I speak an ill word of ANY McDonald's ANYWHERE!

10. 15 homeschoolers hopped up on TONS of sugar make A LOT of noise.

11. 9 hours sleep after nearly 2 weeks of complete and total sleep deprivation can make a person feel BRAND NEW!

12. Old people can drive you a little crazy. No matter how much you love them, they can seriously push you to the edge sometimes.

13. Quite often all your hard work will not result in glory for you, but will yield great rewards for the next person in line. Think of this at two times: 1. when you're the person slaving away and seeing no real results.... take hope because someone, somewhere, sometime WILL reap the benefits of your hard work. 2. When you have great success, do NOT forget to look back and give some thanks to those who came before you and laid the seed that you are harvesting now.

14. EVERYONE needs a day of rest. Especially four exhausted little children who are now congested and sore throated from being dragged all-around the State of Wisconsin (from Green Bay to Franklin) this week and only spent 2 days in the past 7 in their own house..... and especially their exhausted parents who did all the dragging and put up with 4 crabby little urchins.

15. Some wounds run so deep that they take a VERY long time to heal. Be patient with yourself. Keep moving forward. Healing will come and a stopwatch should not be put on it.

So PHEW! A new week has begun, and I for one am GLAD! Although I see there is more snow in the forecast this week.... AYE CARUMBA!

The yarn tangle....

It started before Christmas. We were talking with the kids about how it would likely be a tight Christmas. Jeremiah said, "Maybe you could give me something you made yourself! Like a sweater!" We chuckled about that because I am in NO WAY capable of making a sweater, but then I started thinking. I used to know how to crochet. It can't be that difficult to pick up again. I set out on an adventure crocheting scarves for the children. It morphed into crocheting scarves for my step-daughters and their boyfriends, and then one for my cousin's baby and my sister. By Christmas I had crocheted 11 scarves!

I realized that in this season of my life crocheting is very good for me. It is very therapeutic. There is something about the repetitiveness of it that is soothing. It also makes me feel productive at the exact same time I am sitting still getting some much needed rest and relaxation. Finally, it actually relaxes me so much that it puts me to sleep. John has made fun of me several times for actually falling asleep sitting up in the recliner with my crocheting in my lap. He says I am SO an elderly person now.

Well, always one to think a little more highly of me than I deserve, my husband returned home from work one day and asked, "Can you make my boss a scarf by tomorrow?" I laughed and said maybe I could get one done in two days but not by the next morning. I asked what color and he said, "Navy." Navy.... oh navy....

I picked up the navy skein of yarn I had in my yarn box and started on the scarf; however, just a few rows into the project, I encountered a tangle of epic proportions. Now to my knowledge I am not aware of anyone rolling around in this particular skein of yarn, so I have NO idea how it got so tangled, but it was BAD! I spent all of my crocheting time for about two days trying to untangle this thing. It was frustrating. It was hard. Several times I wanted to just give up and toss the thing in the trash. But I was DETERMINED not to let this yarn tangle win. So on I fought.

I kept thinking surely as I get closer and closer to the end of this escapade it will get easier... surely if I just get a little more untangled I will be able to breeze through the last bits of the tangle. But no dice! From the beginning of that struggle all the way through to the end it was ARDUOUS! That tangle was like the monster tangle from hell itself. I have never felt relief like I felt when I finally got through the end of that thing and was left with just a neat little ball of yarn. I had conquered the tangle and the heady feeling of accomplishment was a great high.

I've been thinking about that yarn tangle a lot lately. Struggles in life can be a lot like that monster yarn tangle. They can be HARD! Sometimes we think if we can just get a little further through that bad boy, it will get easier. Or maybe we get irritated with ourselves, "Surely I should have this down pat by now. I've been dealing with the intricacies of this struggle for so long. I should be able to plow through this." But guess what sometimes struggles are just a BEAR! No matter how long we have been at them, they are just as tough as they were in the beginning. Some trials we face just don't get easier to handle with time. Some things we have to make it through are just tough 100% of the time. I LOVE the Casting Crowns song Praise You in the Storm. For almost 4 years now this part of the lyrics has been hitting me SQUARE in the chest:

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining....

There are struggles in our life that seem to go on forever. We get tired of fighting through them. Sometimes I feel other people even get tired of hearing about them. They (and we) think, "Come on! Get through this already! It should NOT be taking this long!" But God's timing is not our timing, and His ways are not our ways....

These never-ending type struggles, for whatever reason, don't seem to be any easier years down the road then they were when they first started. They are just as tangled and knotted as they were when we first encountered them. But guess what? There is an end! Even if it is not in sight. There is a way! He can make it. Eventually (even if it's not until you make it to Heaven) you will get through that tangle and make it to that neat little ball of yarn. And OH the triumph, oh the glory, oh the feeling of accomplishment when that struggle is behind you!

So don't give up! Fight on! Be a stubborn little brat. Cling to your fight like a 2-year old clings to the sucker her brother is trying to steal. Be tenacious! Who cares how long it takes? Who cares if others don't want to hear about your struggle anymore? You focus on God and buckle down and fight through that tangle with all you have got! I promise you, there IS a reward waiting at the end, and no matter how long it takes you to get there, you will be BLESSED for not giving up.

Happy untangling!