Friday, January 31, 2014


Being a parent is TOUGH....  Some of us signed up for this job.  We thought, "Hey... I'd like to have kids." and BOOM!  Baby makes 3 or 4 or 6.  Some of us weren't looking for the position but were instead thrust into it, "What does that second line on the stick mean???"  Some of us wanted it so bad that we were willing to do ANYTHING to get it.  Adoption... Fostering... In-vitro.... ANYTHING.

But regardless of how or why we became parents, it isn't easy..... In fact, it is the TOUGHEST job I never knew I could love so much.

He was just 4 or 5.  It was his first experience with a team sport.... T-ball. And this day was HIS turn to bring the snack.  It was a momentous occasion for a 4-year old.  Bringing the snack.... Feeling like king for the day... being POPULAR because of the treats he had in his possession.  I will NEVER as long as I live forget the feeling in my tummy when the boom of rejection fell. See someone had screwed up and scheduled TWO children to bring snack that day, and NO ONE.... I mean NOT ONE t-ball player took Noah's snack. Tears brimmed in his little 4-year old eyes as he said, "Momma, no one wanted my snack."  In a flash I realized this was just the beginning.... The future held MANY rejections that I would need to walk through with him:  "Momma, no one sat by me on the bus." "Momma, I was the last one picked for kickball." "Mom, she doesn't 'like' me."  "Mom, I lost my job."  My heart SCREAMED, "God I can't DO this! I can't watch my baby hurt!  I can't stand the pain of this MOST precious person being hurt."

Be still and know that I am God....

She was 5.  We had been told this moment was possible since she was 4 months old. But we had done EVERYTHING to prevent it... baby glasses, patches, baby bifocals, oh SO many doctor appointments.... Yet here we were in a small curtained area waiting for them to wheel our baby girl back and cut into her eyeballs to fix them.  She looked at me with terror in her eyes.  "Momma, don't let them TAKE me." her eyes screamed out at me.  I had MANY reasons why I was going to let them take her. I had her future vision, appearance, happiness on my side. I was RIGHT to let them do this.  But she didn't need to hear any of that. She didn't need my well-thought out defense. All she needed to hear was, "I'm sorry." and "I love you."  All the way down the hallway I heard her scream, "I want my Momma!  I want my Momma!" Those screams still echo in my heart.... and through my tears, I just whispered, "I'm sorry. I love you.  I'm sorry. I love you."

Be still and know that I am God....

My cheerleaders have tried to explain to me what subtweeting is... I just couldn't seem to get it, but recently I have started to realize that I guess I already am a master at it.  See sometimes the situations that plague my heart are too sensitive and too confidential to blab the details.  So I blog about related topics.  I blog about safer topics. I leave out the details... the names... the specifics. Most often to protect OTHERS who didn't sign up to be a part of my "bare naked honesty."  

That's what this blog is about today... it's not really about t-ball.... it's not really about eye surgery... But it IS about parenting.  And how difficult it is.... it was difficult when a teething baby BIT me while nursing... it was difficult when I was putting patches on a screaming 2-year old.... it was difficult when someone smeared butter in the screens and broke THREE toilets (all in one summer I might add).... it was difficult when we were deciding if we should homeschool... and the fact that I love these little people more than my own life and I realize what I am doing is worthwhile does not change the fact that PARENTING IS DIFFICULT! broken hearts... needing to simply say, "I'm sorry. I love you." and no more.  It is DIFFICULT!  

Be still and know that I am God....

To every parent reading this I'd just like to say:

Be still and know that I am God....

It is tough.  There are many times that aren't fun.  But He has this under control.  When you just want to SCREAM at the heartbreak your child is suffering.  When all you can say is, "I'm sorry.... I love you...."  He has this under control.  

I doubt this blog will minister to anyone else today... but as is typical for me writing out my angst has been therapeutic for me.  

Hope you have a GREAT day!

He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalm 46:10

Monday, January 6, 2014


Is it cold enough for you out there?  This morning I drove John to work so that he wouldn't have to make the 15-minute walk from his parking spot to his building. [Up here in Wisconsin it is so cold that apparently frostbite will set in with only 15 minutes of exposure!  Now THAT is cold!] As we turned out of our neighborhood, I was STRUCK (like semi-truck struck) by an overwhelming WAVE of gratitude. It happened so fast it nearly knocked me over.  For your own protection, I will take you through the experience a little slower...

Two years ago today we had just completed a WHIRLWIND move from our gorgeous, spacious, dream home in the country to a tiny, postage stamp lot, residence in the city. There was no doubt that God's fingerprints were ALL over that move. Mortal hands could NEVER have arranged the way it went down. It was just 11 days from viewing the house to living in the house. We moved a family of seven 40 miles away over the Christmas holidays!  Nothing short of a miracle!

So we were in the city... where we needed to be.... and things were better, but they were still TOUGH! We had 1 vehicle and 1 driver, but we still had 4 kids, 3 jobs and an elderly person to take care of.  I was responsible for EVERY bit of driving in this house, but I didn't give up ANY of my other responsibilities.  I still homeschooled the kids, cared for my aunt, worked from home, coached cheer, and cared for a sick hubby.  When I look back sometimes, I literally have NO idea how I survived. I was literally and truly carried through that season of life by my loving God and my amazing family. 

Every day I rose (like today) and drove 30 to 45 minutes to get John to work and get back home, before starting the INSANITY of my day: work-homeschool-clean up after kids-clean up after an old person. Then I would have to take a break in the insanity of my day to drive another 30 to 45 minutes to retrieve John from work and then coach-work-school some more-make dinner-clean up after AM some more. Every single solitary errand that needed to be run, I was responsible for:  library to return books, get groceries, Walmart, pickup prescriptions, oops ran out of milk, get to practice, BAH need emergency first aid supplies.  EVERYTHING was on my shoulders. 

Fast forward to this morning, as my husband was turning out of our neighborhood, and I was BY CHOICE to keep him safe but NOT out of necessity, riding along to get him to work, and I was OVERWHELMED with the realization of all that God has done for us in the past 24 months [*two drivers *two vehicles *hubby FINALLY on the mend] and AWE-STRUCK by the blessings I've already come to take for granted [*having an extra hour and a half each day of NOT driving him *having a second vehicle (thanks to my AMAZING parents) *sharing the errands with John] and AMAZED that He would do all of that for a wretched creature like me... which all led me to REMEMBER His great love for me.

Yesterday at Life Church we started a  new series titled Re-. Aaron Cole kicked it off with an AWESOME sermon titled Review. He encouraged us to regularly Review our lives.... to remember the goodness of God.... as we drove to church I heard Brian Houston from Hillsong on KLove encouraging us, He's "never failed and He won't start now."  Then during worship we sang the song those lyrics are from.... God really wants me to REMEMBER..... and I plan to do that.  This morning I am remembering how BLESSED I am and how FAR He's brought us.... it is proof positive that

  He's NEVER failed, and He won't start now.

What do you need to remember today?  Take a few minutes and replay it all in your mind. Remember the goodness of your God, and be blessed everyone!

I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember Your miracles of long ago.
Psalm 77:11

A million apologies.....

I just logged on to blog (post coming soon) and realized that I never updated by blog (only FB and Twitter) about John's appointment!

There was bone growth!
He got a GLOWING report!
He was cleared to return to work AND got approval from MU to do it!

sooooooooo..... He's back to work and WELL on his way to returning to normal (well as normal as can be).

Thank you all for your prayers and sorry for this lapse in communication.
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