Update (i.e. The Earthquake)

The past two months have been a whirlwind. If you follow me on FB you don't need to read this.  I'm just updating those who aren't on FB mostly (Renee!!!!  this is for you!)

4/23/14 Broken Arm Elijah fell (while attempting a "professional bike trick") and broke both his radius an ulna. The ulna - just a hairline fracture, but the radius BROKEN and needed weekly monitoring to determine if he would need surgery

5/4/14 Broken Finger (Hannah's birthday) Jeremiah fractured his finger RIGHT at the knuckle. LUCKILY it stayed in place and did not warrant surgery....

5/31/14  Rusty Nail Elijah (while still sporting a cast on his left arm) stepped on a rusty nail in the backyard which went STRAIGHT through the shoe he was wearing and into his foot.

6/3/14 Ambulance Ride 1 John took a little ambulance ride to the ER because to rule out a fracture in his neck when he smacked his head HARD on cement

6/12/14 Ambulance Ride 2 John took ANOTHER ride in an ambulance. He was at a normal appointment at the neurosurgeon when he started having crushing chest pains that traveled down his arm. His blood pressure also skyrocketed so the neurosurgeon's staff called 911 and sent him to the ER. We spent a cozy 24 hours in the cardiac observation area only to be told his heart is VERY strong and it was a non-cardiac chest pains.

Needless to say, I am being carried through ONLY by the grace of our God and could use a week here:



or at least a week without a broken bone, tetanus shot, or ambulance ride.

Happily Ever After Recipe

It all started with a BEAUTIFUL wedding. Then 7 moves... 10 cars... 6 churches... 4 kids.... 7 surgeries... 5 grandkids... 17 jobs... 1 old lady.... lost teeth.... broken bones.... stitches.... baptisms.... weddings... cheerleading.... martial arts... basketball.... baseball... soccer... endless searches for a little girl's glasses.... bickering children... sticky kisses... vomiting... snuggling.... copays.... electric bills... plenty of tears... more laughs (and fights) than you can count... and here we are with one BLESSED marriage.

My marriage is turning sweet 16 today and along the way I've learned some lessons:

*A marriage doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. There is PLENTY of beauty in imperfection. Flaws make beauty REAL. 

*Everybody's happiness looks different.  What makes me happy might make you MISERABLE and vice versa.

*Fairytales are stories.  Marriage isn't the harmonic melody and the rose petals under your fancy lace shoes while you walk down the aisle.  Marriage is better represented by the mud-caked face of a soldier in the trenches fighting and SACRIFICING himself for what he holds dear.

*Marriage is about becoming more CHRISTLIKE.  It isn't about happily ever after or China patterns or even kids who are your mini-me. Every part of this journey we are on is about becoming more like our Savior. That's it. Period.  The end.

So happy anniversary, Babe.  Marrying you has made me a better person. And this journey we are on, filled with excitement and fear, joy and sorrow,  peace and ire.... it's the best ride I've been on in my entire life!

A million apologies.....

I just logged on to blog (post coming soon) and realized that I never updated by blog (only FB and Twitter) about John's appointment!

There was bone growth!
He got a GLOWING report!
He was cleared to return to work AND got approval from MU to do it!

sooooooooo..... He's back to work and WELL on his way to returning to normal (well as normal as can be).

Thank you all for your prayers and sorry for this lapse in communication.

An update on John...

I'm sorry!  I know this post is HOPELESSLY overdue!  I should have written last week. The only excuse I have is that I have literally been racing from task to task for 8 days straight hardly getting a chance to take a breath.  (What else is new, right?)

John's surgery went SO well. There had been fears that since the MRI they were going off of was quite old, that when they got in there they would need to fuse more vertebrae then anticipated. However, when Dr. Ahuja came out to update me after surgery, he said that it looked better than expected when they opened John up, and the surgery went extremely well. WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

This was literally the best hospital stay we have had in the past 4 years (which is saying something because John has been hospitalized 6 time since 2009!) Every single nurse, CNA, receptionist, doctor, therapist, security guard we encountered was AWESOME!  They were kind, friendly, helpful. Seriously if you need to go to the hospital, Kenosha Medical Center is the place to go! We were only in the hospital for 28 hours from check-in to discharge.  WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

John is adhering STRICTLY to all the restrictions the Dr. gave:  no driving, lifting only 8 to 10 pounds, wear the neck brace CONSTANTLY.  For those of you who know him, I'm sure this comes as quite a surprise. John Joseph Kastner following the rules?!?!?!?  Really???  All I can say is:  WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

Recovery is going EXCEPTIONALLY well! Every day, John gets a little stronger and his pain diminishes a little more. Just 8 days after surgery, and he is already taking less pain medication then he has taken in years!  We were able to attend my family's Thanksgiving celebration just 2 days after surgery, AND we made it to church this past Sunday! We are VERY optimistic about the success of this procedure, and we KNOW it is because:  WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.

Psalm 86:10

Please continue in prayer for us.
*We are praying about John's 12/19 post-op appointment. At that appointment, we NEED the x-ray to reveal bone growth so that the Dr. will clear John to return to work.
*Also pray for me.  This Momma is WIPED OUT!  Monday I dove HEAD FIRST back into my regular schedule:  worked 5 hours, homeschooled, coached cheer, cared for a recovering hubby, an old lady, and a newborn. I am SO far beyond exhausted at this point and IT IS ONLY MONDAY! But don't worry.  I haven't forgotten

WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

The things that I know...

My heart is full yet somehow the road by which these feelings typically travel out of my heart is blocked..... clogged.

I'm searching for just the right analogy to explain the raw and unadultered fear,  chaos and tension that is bubbling just under the surface of this calm exterior I'm trying to put forth.

Have you ever read the B book? It's an easy reader we have in our library. Pages and pages of B things are introduced. All balancing precariously on a bear on a ball until at last the tiniest bird lands atop the pile, and CRASH the whole thing comes tumbling down. Maybe that's the word picture I'm searching for.

I'm in the midst of a CRAZY full weekend which ends a VERY busy week. I hosted a brunch this morning,  coached a game after that and rushed to teach Christmas choreography after that all while developing a nasty cold. Tomorrow will bring the teaching of more choreography, prepping for the week and a cabke guy appointment.  Then Monday a FULL day of work,  capped off by cheer practice.   I am holding this all together.... placing my ducks in a row... yet still there is this eerie feeling that one tiny little bird atop my pile and CRASH it will ALL come tumbling down.

So what's a girl to do?  In times of uncertainty...  Facing another grueling mountain... Not feeling up to the climb... well I guess I will just focus on the things that I KNOW:

*my God is in control.... time and time again He has proven this. .. I don't expect this time to be any different.
* my husband is a STRONG and capable man who already triumphed over brain surgery
*my children are deeply rooted and will likely be the ones carrying me through on their rock-solid faith
*my family will rally behind me no matter what comes my way
*God's people will be faithful in prayer and in deed

And most importantly....  the thing I know best without a shadow of a doubt:

*He WILL be glorified through the circumstances of this coming week

Please continue to keep John in your prayers.  We are praying and BELIEVING for a SUCCESSFUL surgery,  a MIRACULOUS recovery,  and many MANY chances to proclaim His goodness,  power and mercy.  Thank you for praying with us.

Just BREATHE!!!

On Saturday night, John reached out his left arm to me and said, "Isn't weird how my veins are bulging so much?" His arm DID look kinda freaky.... the veins in his wrist were BULGING. My first thought was, "Ohmigosh!  ER here we come." But I calmed myself.... considered the co-pay... and listened to my husband. We would wait until Monday to call Dr. Ahuja.

Monday dawned and by 8:45 a.m. the 45 minute old work day was KICKING my BUTT!  With 5 new reports on the day that cheer starts, I was expecting MASSIVE casualties.  I contacted the doctor before diving into my work, and they scheduled an appointment for John that morning. By appointment time, I was KNEE deep in reference reports and only hoping I'd get to my cheer preparations before practice time. I got the call from John confirming what we'd suspected. Even though the weird bulgy vein thing had dissipated, due to the worsening of his other symptoms, Dr. Ahuja wanted to do the surgery sooner rather than later.... November 26th to be exact. BAM!  here we GO!

I'm not really overly worried or stressed about the surgery, recovery time or the associated costs.... God has gotten us through ALL of that (and more) before.... so I'd be stupid to think He won't carry us through this time too. It's just OHMIGOSH that is 3 weeks from TODAY!  It immediately jumped from a tiny dot on the horizon to TAKING UP MY ENTIRE VIEW!

We are scrambling to scheduleapresurgeryauthorizationappointment-updateFMLApaperwork-informJohn'sboss-informmyboss-requesttimeoffwork-workoutcoverageforcheer-makearrangementsforthekids-andonandonandonandon.... I'mnotthatworriedbecauseIdomybestworkunderthegunBUTitisjustREALLYSOONnow.

This morning as I was talking to a friend at work (and I must've sounded just like the above text.... all rushed together without any spaces), she said just BREATHE, Jami.... don't forget to

BREATHE.  

And so I have adopted that one word as my new mantra:  BREATHE!  I am breathing in the oxygen vital to my body... breathing in the sweet aroma of the nearness of my Lord in times of trouble.... breathing in even the stink of the icky parts of this situation...

So here's the information you really want to know.... how you can specifically pray:

John
-SUCCESSFUL surgery that relieves ALL his symptoms
-Peace about the surgery, recovery, and about being out of work for a bit
-Endurance for the next 3 weeks of continuing pain, weakness, and numbness
-NO weirdly bulging veins

Jami
-peace in the midst the flurry of activity
-wisdom to work out all the details

Kids
-peace as they walk down this scary road again
-ability to articulate the fears/struggles they are experiencing so we can help them work through them.

Whatever you are facing today... May you take my friend's advice too and JUST BREATHE!

I will listen to what God the Lord says; He promises peace to His people, His faithful servants 
Psalm 85:8

Roughing up my heart....

Ugh... I don't even KNOW what to title this post.... *sigh* I guess I'll just figure that out at the end. Here we go:

John is scheduled to have neck fusion surgery the third week of December. For those of you who are thinking, what? who? how? why?  here are the details... the rest of you can skip to the bottom if you want.  Just scroll down until you see the bolded words Well so here we are....

If you've been with us for the duration, then you know that 4 years ago John had to have brain surgery to relieve the symptoms of a chiari malformation. Because of that initial surgery, disk degeneration (which he has always had) is worsening and manifesting in some icky symptoms (he is on week 3 of a CONSTANT headache right now.... he is losing strength and size in his left arm... he has pain radiating from his neck all the way down his arm...) Today they told us that left untreated it could eventually result in him losing all function in his left arm.  [Okay that's pretty scary.]

I believe it was back in July of 2012 that we first started hearing about this idea of neck fusion, and then again this past summer it came up. As this appointment to discuss it again approached we started hearing rumors (which are still as of now unconfirmed) that the lovely Affordable Care Act is going to DECIMATE our current AMAZING insurance benefits and knock us down to what all the rest of you have been dealing with for insurance [not being rude, just saying that we have had FABULOUS health insurance every since John changed jobs.... if the rumors prove to be true that will be a thing of the past come January 2014]....  Sooooo these rumors got us thinking that we might need to just DO THIS before we cannot afford to do it because of our "Affordable Care".... When they told us that part about the possibility of it progressing to the point where he would not even have any use of that arm, we were kinda like, "Okay let's get this puppy on the books!"

Again for those of you who want the details.... the gory details.... keep reading... the squeamish... well you've been warned.

So we have been told that this surgery will be MUCH less invasive, painful, difficult than the last one... [although I have to tell you that back in 2009 I DISTINCTLY remember Dr. Ahuja saying, "This is the best brain surgery to have. If you have to have brain surgery, THIS is the one you want to have because it is the easiest one."  WHATEVER!] apparently because they will go in through the front of his neck, moving his muscles to the side instead of cutting through muscle (like they did in the back of his neck) it should result in a much easier recovery. They will be fusing his C4 through C6 vertebrae together in order to give his nerves room to "live" in there and immediately relieving his pain, weakness in his arm and stopping any further degeneration.  Here's the visual they gave us of what they'll be doing.... that black thing is a titanium doo-hickey (yes that IS I think the technical term... at least as I heard it)... underneath the doo-hickey will be some plastic thingys that replace his degenerated discs.

Well so here we are.... walking down roads... living out scenes... asking for prayers... explaining medical terms we have become too familiar with.... all like we've done in the past....  In the short span of just 8 hours since I found out, I have been through the following phases:

Phase 1: I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me....

The first introduction of this concept of a second surgery actually happening, left me almost cocky and too assured.... "We can do this!  It's easier than the first time. So much is different. We are different.  This is going to be a walk in the park!"  It was in this phase we told the kids, and they pretty much seemed to take it in stride just like I was.

Phase 2: I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me....

After we told the kids, John and I laid down to try to get a little rest. I fell SOUNDLY asleep, slept too long and arose late for cheer practice and a bit discombobulated. At this point the realization that we were indeed going to do this AGAIN was hitting me and I was left feeling a bit dazed and confused by the punch that realization walloped. I raced off to practice, forgetting Regan's shoes, forgetting a cup of the coffee I asked Noah to brew for me, and forgetting about a certain female situation which I will provide no more details of in case my brother is reading this blog for he will SHOUT, "FOUL!!! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!" (In fact he is probably already shouting that.) I drove to practice kinda forgetting where I was and where I was going for a little bit. I felt as foggy and hazy as the weather around me.

Phase 3:  I can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens me.

I entered phase 3 as I pulled in the driveway after practice. I sat in the car for several minutes sobbing. "God I know I can do this with you. God don't leave my side for a second these next few months. God I NEED you!" screaming from my soul! My weeping left me in a place of quiet resolution. I can do this again. I can get through ANOTHER surgery. I can watch the man I love endure EXCRUCIATING pain. I can watch my dear babies trying to be strong with terror in their eyes. I can DO this.  And that's when God gave me my analogy.

When the surgical assistant was explaining the surgery to us, he said that at the end of the surgery they will "rough up" the bone (vertebrae) around the fusion site. He said they do this to signal the body, something is hurt here we need to fix it.  Then new bone will grow to "accept" the titanium doo-hickey and strengthen up that area.

God is roughing up my heart right now.  He is signaling my spirit that something is hurt and needs to be fixed. Over the next few days, His Holy Spirit will rush in and build "new bone" on my heart to accept this new situation and incorporate it into my reality and make me STRONGER.

As is typical when I come to you through the words of this blog... we NEED your prayers... for the big... for the little... for the seemingly inconsequential...

John is a little nervous/weirded out by this whole thing. I know he DESPERATELY wants his pain to come to an end but the fear that this won't do it or could even make it worse is assaulting him a little.

Noah seems okay right now, but he is the one ALWAYS hardest hit by John's health issues. #1 because John is TRULY his best friend and #2 because he tries to "step up and be the man" when John is down for the count and that is a tough thing for a 9 then and now almost 14 year old to do.

Details... our dr. is doing surgeries at a different hospital now we don't know if it is covered by our insurance.... we are hoping that the vacation time John has available will be enough to cover his recovery time... this will be happening RIGHT in the middle of cheer season, Christmas, etc... not the best timing in some ways but great timing in other ways.

I will try hard to keep you in the loop, but I expect that you will likely only hear from me when I'm begging for prayer or processing the tangle of emotions I am going through.

Thank you friends for your prayers and for always caring enough to walk with us through the dark times.

A perfect moment....

[DISCLAIMER: this blog will be LENGTHY.... I'm not sure it will end with a "lesson"... but I need to document it for my most important readers: John Joseph, Noah James, Jeremiah David, Elijah Daniel, and Hannah Elyzabeth. It is for them that I write. So that if at some point, I'm not here to share my heart with them (hopefully when they are OLD and GRAY.... hopefully some time after my 100th birthday.... for that is how long I plan to live) my words will live on to minister to them.]

It had been a ROUGH 24 hours.... I will start at the beginning, because I guess that's the only place to start...

Friday morning dawned a bit daunting, but nothing I haven't conquered before. Novenah arrived bringing her sickness and tearing my heart in two. I LOATHE seeing babies sick! Ugh! Their poor, tortured, sweaty-skinned,  ragged-breath selves just KILL me. We had a tough but not overly out-of-control morning. After finishing our morning lessons and getting Novenah down for a second nap, I sent the kids upstairs to get some lunch while I quick threw in a load of laundry and made some work calls in peace and quiet. Halfway through switching the wash to the dryer, I heard screams and a couple of body slams from upstairs.

Rushing up the stairs, I found mayhem and lost my patience! One boy was clutching "the family jewels" and another was red-faced from being choked. Both were FLAT on the ground. I lost it! "REALLY??? I can't ask you to do ONE self-directed task without it dissolving into WWF Smack Down?"  I was LIVID from being forced to stay upstairs and chaperon lunch preparations. I angrily did the dishes scolding the children every other minute, "Quiet!" "Get on task!" "Finish your lunch!" I needed to finish my work calls before the baby woke back up.

Finally the children finished their lunch, and we returned to the basement as a group. I resumed my laundry job and casually asked Noah a question I would later regret, "Hey, can you check if my Fedex shipment arrived yet?" After doing my bidding, he returned with news that the package had not arrived but the mail had. As I was just finishing filling the washer with a new load I heard him say, "Mom, you got a letter."

I opened the letter (actually a brief note) from afar and quickly wished I had never read it. I suppose it was meant to be informative, maybe even helpful. However, the closing line of the letter will likely tell you why it wasn't very fun to read. "Don't continue to gain a lot of weight as it is not healthy for you."  Now I don't know if many of you have ever been in the place that I find myself. Over the past few STRESSFUL years I have put on more pounds then I care to admit here publicly. I have a scale. I know exactly how much I have gained. And in spite of my crazy busy life taking care of MANY people, jobs, and tasks, I occasionally DO find time to glance in the mirror and trust me I do NOT like what I see. I also have enough of a fitness/nutrition background to know EXACTLY how unhealthy this is for me. However, all of that being said, whether it is smart or not, I am currently choosing to put caring for the MANY I love... homeschooling my babies, offering my niece child care, nursing my husband through this time of sickness, giving my aunt a place to live that is not a nursing home.... over some things I would LOVE to do: sleep, workout, eat healthier. However, in spite of KNOWING how I've gotten here and that it is of my own choosing and a result of my own actions, I live each day in fear that someone will tell me what THEY see adding a whole new level to the disgust I feel about myself. So here it was looking me RIGHT in the face: you are gaining a TON of weight Jami and people would have to be BLIND not to notice. I dissolved into tears, most of the rest of the day basically lost in a fog of depression and pain.

That wasn't the end of the icky... this morning was the first day of Youth Cheer. I was still (in spite of my icky Friday) SO excited for cheer. Yet somehow, I overslept. Then after rushing about to still get there in time, I arrived at the school and in my haste, closed Hannah's hand in the minivan door. By this point, I dissolved. I was BAWLING and a WRECK.

Hannah is fine. Her hand has a small bruise, but the injury doesn't even warrant an x-ray. I was MUCH worse off than she. I was left feeling hungover from expelling WAY too many tears over the last day. Hannah and I had a GREAT time at her first cheer practice. Those little darlings, so cute it's almost a sugar overload, could improve just about ANY day. But still I was feeling the effect of too much crying. On the way home from practice, God whispered what would be the BEST idea ever into my ear... I came home and told John, "What if we blow off chores, get some subs, and have a picnic?" I told him I had felt God telling me to pull the ones I love the most close to me and find comfort in their presence... and OHHHHH did I ever!  Did I EVER!

The weather of today PERFECTLY mirrored what happened to me.... I awoke to a DREARY day. Gray sky.  Wet streets. COLD, damp breeze. I shivered all the way to practice. While, inside the gym practicing with my adorable girls, the weather broke. The sun came out. A BEAUTIFUL, crisp, sunny, fall day was born.

And while surrounded by my babies and the man I'll love till death parts us, hope was born inside of me.  The fog of my tears cleared. The pain in my heart was soothed.

We grabbed some subs and actually ended up having a car picnic in the parking lot of the library. We spent some time checking out books and then headed home. Then followed the most PRECIOUS moment yet... sprawled in various poses of relaxation, hands hugging warm cups filled with yummy beverages, with K-love playing faintly in the background, unintentionally, not even REALIZING where I had ended up (my FAVORITE place ever) we all just read some good books.... no communication needed.... It was SUCH a perfect moment! My favorite people in the room, my favorite beverage in my hand, and my favorite activity going on.

Next time you are caught in the middle of a foggy, gray situation REMEMBER the clouds and drizzle and cold wind will only make the beauty that comes after that MUCH brighter.

John's Health Update....

WOW! 

After packing up the baby to eat on the go and to be picked up on the go, packing school stuff for the kids, leaving dinner on the table for Auntie Marge, finishing up a swirl of work calls and e-mails, and making sure I was ready to go to, we left the house at 2:30 p.m. yesterday. By the time we arrived home, it was 8:30 p.m. and WHAT A WHIRLWIND it was in between!

MU --- got to MU by 2:55 p.m. waited and waited and waited (an ENTIRE 5 minutes!) for John to get done with work. He hopped in the car and we headed to

St. Luke's --- dropped John off 15 minutes early for his appointment he was in the office for 1 hour and 15 minutes! Meanwhile I sat in the car with 3 of our kids and Novenah, trying to feed Novenah while motivating our kids to do some school assignments [public note to self: do NOT even bring the schoolwork in the future! it is FUTILE and just FRUSTRATING and not all that beneficial to ANYONE!] When John returned back to the minivan he had

GOOD NEWS --- based upon evaluation of the MRI, Dr. Ahuja is recommending another round of Physical Therapy 2x per week for 6 weeks, cervical traction AND switching up John's muscle relaxers and NO SURGERY YET!  I immediately got on the phone with the

insurance company --- WWWWWWHHHHHHYYYYYY oh WWWWWWHHHHHHYYYYYY does everything have to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOO difficult???? fought with the voice-activated system which was going NUTS because my charges could NOT be silent and it kept hearing their noise and interpretting it as my selection. Finally got through that and waited on hold FOREVER to reach someone who said that my group number wasn't recognized by the voice-activated system (REALLY????? cuz I couldn't tell!) and then transferred me to the correct person. I then waited on hold for another ETERNITY to reach a different person who said, "I'm sorry your group number didn't transfer can I have it again?" So WHILE I WAS DRIVING found the number and repeated it to her [btw... isn't it nuts that I don't have that memorized after 3 years of this???] I explained to her I was trying to find out if this cervical traction device was covered only to find out without a billing code [which of course our Dr. didn't give us and by now of course his office was already closed so of course I could not get that] they couldn't tell me if it was covered.... WHILE all of this was going on, we were trying to coordinate Tanisha picking up Novenah which resulted in us pulling into not one but TWO different

McDonalds --- was dinner last night. Don't even get me STARTED on the expense/lack of nutritional value/etc of that choice... Easy won out last night! But we still didn't transfer the Novenah package. Headed QUICKLY to

My parents' house --- to drop off the kiddos to hang out there while we went to the chiropractor we were starting to run LATE AHHHHHHHHH!  Hurried over to the chiropractor with Novenah still tagging along.... Made it to

Dr. Hyatt --- digested a TON of information (a normal neck should have a 43 degree curve -- John's neck is almost straight up and down with only a 3 degree curve) the crux of which is Dr. Hyatt is (and in turn WE are) cautiously optimistic that he can help improve the curve of John's neck and decrease his pain level through chiropractic adjustments. [Novenah got picked up somewhere in here.] The 2 visits per week program we are embarking on will be a little costly BUT as I told John (and several other people afterwards) we can eat Ramen noodles every night for 9 months it helps John avoid another surgery! So John got adjusted last night, we picked up his new prescription, and the

End Results --- he is sore today, but optimistic. I can tell because he keeps starting sentences with, "When I get stronger," "After I get better," or "After a few months at the chiropractor,"....  We are STRICTLY following all doctor directives (iced 3x already, started new medicine regimen, kept rolling over all night long to make sure he was sleeping ON HIS BACK with his neck properly supported)... and for all of you

THANK YOU --- sooooooooo MUCH for your prayer support! We could feel you all carrying us through yet one more tough time in this journey. Keep on praying! It's working!

Thankful Thursday....

It is Thursday, and I am THANKFUL!

Noah James Kastner 6 years old

I'm thankful for Noah James Kastner. This amazing boy of mine is growing into such a GREAT young man! In some ways I am sad that at the ripe young age of 9 years old he had to start acting like a man, helping with Daddy's meds, worrying about his Daddy's health, doing SO much work around the house. However, those very sad things have developed character in this young man that I wouldn't change for the WORLD!  Noah is wise beyond his years and more mature than many grown men I know. He loves SACRIFICIALLY, he thinks LOGISTICALLY, and he learns SPECTACULARLY. I am so unbelievably thankful for my firstborn.

Jeremiah David Kastner 5 years old

I'm thankful for Jeremiah David Kastner. He is SOOOOOOOOOOO godly-minded! Whenever I am stressed, whenever someone is sick or in pain, whenever he hears about a tragedy in the news, this boy turns IMMEDIATELY to prayer. He constantly comes up with thoughts and ideas of how things relate back to God or godly concepts. I have LONG believed that Jeremiah would end up preaching the Word of God someday, but for the FIRST time, yesterday, we were talking about "when I grow up" things, and he said, "Mom, do I go to college to be a Pastor?" WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That's MY boy!

Elijah Daniel Kastner 3 years old

I'm thankful for Elijah Daniel Kastner. He is smart and funny and just devious enough to keep it REAL. He is ALWAYS thinking, thinking, thinking. I love the way I can literally SEE his brain working through his gorgeous little eyes. He is ALSO a snuggler. In fact, many have commented that Elijah has a poor sense of personal space, but as the mom or growing boys who soon will hardly want me to give them a peck on the cheek "in front of my friends" I love that this boy is a SNUGGLER and I'm lapping up as much of that loving as I can before he gets too grown for it.

Hannah Elyzabeth Kastner 1 year old

I'm thankful for Hannah Elyzabeth Kastner. She is princess PERFECTION! I love the way she is SO into clothes and makeup and purses, but she is the ONLY child of mine who is not really afraid of ANYTHING! She will go downstairs in the dark, kill a bug, tackle a bully. But what I love the MOST about this little girl is what a servant she is! She LOVES to take care of people. She helps me give Auntie Marge her shower, helps me change Novenah, helps Daddy with his meds. That girls is just DRAWN to those who are in need, who are hungry, who are hurting... and she HELPS them.

Last but CERTAINLY not least:

I'm thankful for John Joseph Kastner. He is my rock. When I am all floopy and frantic over some injury, symptom or oddity in our children, he remains steady and calm. When I am losing my mind in the midst of STRESS, he centers me and reminds me how amazing he thinks I am. He gets up EVERY morning and goes to work in more pain than most of us could even IMAGINE. He tries his BEST to be kind and patient even when his head is pounding and his neck is spasming. He is the BEST father I have ever seen: rolling around on the floor with the kids, unabashedly having "the talk" with our boys, being these boys "best friend" yet still their authority figure, and teaching them how to repent when he has messed up.  I LOVE this man and am SO glad that God chose him to complete me.

What are YOU thankful for today? If you don't have your own blog, feel free to post your Thankful Thursday as a comment to mine. If you don't want to post your thankfulness publicly, just make sure to be THANKFUL and maybe to tell those you are thankful for why you are....

Saturday MRIday....

John's MRI is scheduled for THIS Saturday. We would appreciate all the prayers we can get on this issue as we are NOT very excited about the possibility of another surgery.

Also his chiropractor appointment is scheduled for Tuesday, August 7.

Prayerfully walking forward and clinging to His promises...

The Kastners

John's health...

Just a little update for those of you who are following our 3-year journey through brain surgery and its aftermath. for the purpose of clarity I think is important to point out that John actually has two totally separate issues going on here, for one he sees a neurologist for the other a neurosurgeon.

1. Neurologist: A few weeks ago John had a VERY encouraging appointment with the neurologist where he learned that after his next appointment (I think in 6 months) as long as he has had no additional episodes, the neurologist will discontinue his anti-seizure meds. One other encouraging neurologist note: it was revealed that while a diagnosis of seizures cannot totally be ruled out, our neurologist does not think the episodes John has been plagued with are seizures. He feels they are a result of anxiety/stress. That is VERY good news.

2. Neurosurgeon: Last week was John's appointment with the neurosurgeon and that was not quite as encouraging. Because John's neck pain is just NOT improving, Dr. Ahuja is ordering an MRI to see if John will need to have surgery to fuse the vertebrae in his neck. [DON'T even get me STARTED on the fear, anxiety, dread that rises in my belly at the thought of that concept! In fact for several days, I have been in denial pretending that the doctor didn't even say that.] When the piece of John's skull was removed and remodeled, it shifted the weight distribution on his neck. Previously bulging discs in his neck which had never caused THAT much discomfort are now bearing MUCH more of the weight of his head; therefore, the pain will not subside. We are waiting for a call from Aurora to schedule the MRI and have also taken the preemptive measure of finally scheduling a chiropractor appointment for John. For the past three years, John has craved, yet feared, returning to the chiropractor. The thought of being adjusted even with modifications made to compensate for the change to the structure of his skull/neck is NOT appealing. Well the threat of surgery was just the shove he needed. We are praying that through our trusted and beloved chiropractor of over 20 years, God will bring the healing and relief necessary to avoid another surgery.

3. You know when I was a student in a Christian jr. hi/high school, I used to HATE it when people had "unspoken" prayer requests. The "unspoken" made me too darn curious, and it seemed kinda oxymoronic to SPEAK an UNSPOKEN request.  Regardless, here I am about to do it myself. There are several nuances to this health trial we are working our way through that I just don't feel released by God to share the details of... they are private... confidential... yet AGONIZING. Please, please, please, when lifting us up, keep in mind that the things I've shared represent the part of the iceberg which is visible above the water line. Please take a moment to pray over the gargantuan chunk of ice hidden beneath the water's surface too.

As always, we are SAFE and SURE in the capable hands of our Father. We know our lives, our health our very existence are under HIS watchful eye. He controls our destiny. He directs our fate. But we wouldn't mind having a little prayer support from our faithful brothers and sisters in Christ too.

And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

Anniversary Address

One score and four years ago, John J. Kastner and I entered into a covenant union, based upon a shared love for God and modeled after the principles set forth in His word. We have faced many battles. In truth, it often seems more time has been spent trudging over sharp, rocky valleys then frolicking in beautiful, green meadows. We stood at that altar 14 years ago today and promised "in sickness and in health," "for richer and poorer," "for better and worse," and I, for one, am immensely proud of how this union has stood the test of sickness, poorer and much, much worse. Today, I celebrate 14 years of being married to my best friend, and I renew my commitment to fight like the dickens to ensure that this covenant stands, that this union reflects God's glory, and that my marriage lasts until "death do us part."

Happy Anniversary, John J. Kastner. I love you more than I can say here in this silly little blog. Here's to 14 more years of wedded bliss ;)  We sure are living the dream.

Sunday Update....

John is home!!!  I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but it is always such a WHIRLWIND at end. Thursday just after lunch they discharged him. We have an appointment with our neurosurgeon tomorrow morning and are HOPEFUL we will be able to convince him to allow John to return to work on Tuesday (prayer request #1) as he will be using the last of his currently accrued vacation hours tomorrow.

Other than some sluggishness in his right leg which makes him walk a little slower (prayer request #2), he is feeling fine. The new med combination has not left him dizzy at all. So in a roundabout way it is VERY good that he ended up in the hospital this week... as it seems to have led to a tweaking of his meds which will leave him feeling MUCH better on a daily basis.

The children are especially glad to have him home and all but Noah have rapidly bounced back from their worries and fear. Noah still is a bit clingy to John and I see the worry in his eyes (prayer request #3). The problem is he is old enough to know that this is all a bit scary.

As always thank you for your continued prayer support.  We are about to leave for church. Finally, starting the journey of finding a new church (it's been over a month that we've lived here! we have to get going on this). Hopeful one of these closer ones we are trying first will be "it."

May you have a blessed Sunday...

This morning...

This morning is a GOOD morning... I will BELIEVE that even if I have to WILL it into being good!

John -- is out of the ICU and on a regular floor. We are HOPING and PRAYING they will send him home today. He is feeling fine; however, he still does not have much use of his right arm & leg. The tests AGAIN revealed no seizure activity, but that is what they are treating him for... they are going to tweak his medication and hope to find a combination that prevents the seizures without making him dizzy.

Jami -- living on very little sleep right now and COMPLETELY unable to cancel any cheerleading practices as this Saturday is the debut of our competition routine at Saber Showcase. I'm also VERY weary from trying to help my children through this most recent turn of events. In the past, their fears haven't been much of a factor. I don't know if they are getting older now or if they are just have a better history to remember what all of this means and will likely bring about in their lives, but they are having a hard time.

Noah -- struggling A LOT with this recent event. Please pray for him and for us to have the words to minister peace to his troubled soul.

Jeremiah -- doing pretty well... my little prayer warrior... he is SUCH an angle from above!

Elijah -- normally not very phased by all this hospital hoopla is also showing signs of wear and tear.... I can see in his eyes and hear in his questions that this is getting a little scary for him too.

Hannah -- NOT doing well... her daddy is her light and she is having a hard time this go round... the other night the boys were wearing John's necklaces and every time she saw one she burst into tears crying, "I want daddy." We had to tuck the necklaces away for the night to avoid more drama.

Thank you so much for your continued prayer support. Hopefully tomorrow when I post, John will be sleeping in his own bed!

Why we moved to the city....

So this is it... why we moved to the city...

John is back in the hospital. I got the call at about 11 a.m. yesterday.... he needed to go to the ER. By the time I arrived at MU, fire trucks, an ambulance, public safety and the police were already onsite. We took the same little jaunt over to the ER and then a transfer back to that same old neuro ICU.  The working theory is that it is another seizure. Currently, he is responsive and back to being himself, but he is still suffering from significant weakness in his right arm and right leg. Word is that they are going to keep him till tomorrow.... I am not thrilled about that and we are going to express our disapproval of that concept; however, since our neurosurgeon is currently at a conference I fear this fill-in doctor may keep him longer just because he is not as familiar with John's situation. :(

So how can you be praying... I have received that question several times via FB already... here it goes:

***pray that the dr.'s will be able to tweak John's medication to control the seizures without making him so dizzy.
***pray for our children -- this is really starting to take a toll on them (especially Noah) we had to do an impromptu run up to the hospital at 10:30 p.m. for a little daddy loving to calm the fears and tears

***PRAISE God that we are back in the city!!!!  I SERIOUSLY must have thought 100x yesterday, "I'm so glad we aren't an hour away! I'm so glad we aren't an hour away!"  I can hardly express how DIFFERENT this time is because I have this underlying sense of PEACE flowing like a quiet river under the chaos... we are just minutes away... we are just minutes away... Yeah he can't drive for 3 months again (never actually went back to driving yet anyway)... but we're just minutes away... Yeah my kids are being bounced around between family members a little... but they are just minutes away... Yeah this is scary and stressful and exhausting but in His great wisdom God staged that ridiculously QUICK move back to the city and we were PERFECTLY in place for this very time.... and we're just MINUTES away....

To close I want to re-share my life verse.... Through the MANY different seasons of my life God has revealed the many different facets of this verse and showed me over and over and over again how it applies to SO MANY diametrically opposed situations:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

He KNOWS the plans! don't you worry! He has PLANS for you! Plans to prosper you! Plans to give you hope! Plans to give you a FUTURE!

God bless everyone. I promise to try to stay in better touch over the next few days so you all know how John is doing.

The load we bear...

Good morning everyone. I've spent a few days trying to catch up around here (and officially accepting the cheer coaching position at Heritage Christian School... Go Patriots!) and feel people may be wondering how things are going around here.

John is doing better physically. He seems to be adapting to his anti-seizure medication. While he is still dizzy, he now at least looks like he resides in this world, instead of appearing to be in la-la land all the time. The biggest prayer need related to John is for his spirit. He is just so DISCOURAGED... For a man who has always prided himself on his strength and power, being reduced to an infirm, restricted patient is NOT easy.

Jami is hanging in there. A little daunted by the task of taking care of EVERYTHING around this house again, but obviously not THAT scared as I still said yes to the cheerleading position.

Kids are fine. They are showing the wear and tear of their situation a little... one-by-one they have been dropping like flies to some icky cold bug that no doubt thought four slightly sleep deprived kiddos were a perfect target. But other than that they are doing well.

Laundry will be conquered TODAY!

Last night as we lay in bed, I could see how discouraged John was. I told him, "Babe, I know it stinks to keep going through this, AND I know this isn't fun to hear, but God is allowing us to bear this load because he knows we are strong enough to carry it." It is the Danielle Mabrey effect. When I had Danielle Mabrey on my squad, I knew that if I gave her something it would get DONE. It would be done on time. It would be done CORRECTLY. I never had to worry about that. As a result, I gave Danielle Mabrey more to do than I gave others. Was this fair? Not really. I was basically "rewarding" Danielle for being responsible by giving her more duties. But was it smart? Yups. Because Danielle had the tools to get the job done, it was the right decision to trust her with more.

I believe that is why we are "here again" in this muddle of this brain nonsense. God knows our shoulders are big and the size of our faith matches them. He knows that we trust Him. Is it fair that John Kastner has to deal with not one but THREE separate brain episodes, NEVER completely getting rid of them in between episodes? NOPE. But is it smart? Yups! Who better to proclaim God's power to the world that a stubborn, crusty old guy who refuses to give up and his Pollyanna-ish wife who never stops telling the whole world what they are going through??? We have the tools to get the job done.

So here's the lesson part:

What you are struggling with RIGHT now... What you are going through... I do NOT believe God would have allowed it into your life if He weren't SURE that you had the tools to get the job done. I'm not saying it will be EASY. I'm not saying you won't cry, scream, doubt or fear. But you WILL get the job done!

So go do it!

Silver linings...

Phew! am I TIRED! The day went much as I suspected it would...with a few surprises thrown in for good measure... got to sleep in (woken by an unexpected call from my dear friend... didn't mind being woken AT ALL because phone chats with her are a RARE treat)... jetted downstairs to try to call through my work.... left a message for Dr. Ahuja's staff at 8 on the dot... was racing through all my work calls when I saw the number on my caller id... (it is SO sad that I know the first three numbers to the St. Luke's complex by heart)... Just as I suspected, Dr. Ahuja wanted to see John today. So I finished my work calls, loaded up the car (my plan was to jinx myself into NOT being admitted to the hospital by OVER-preparing... I KNOW we don't believe in jinxes BUT), I packed EVERYTHING, spare outfit for EVERYONE, laptop w/charger, phone chargers, contact case and glasses, my crochet bag, Auntie Marge... We put Kiah on the leash to stay outside all day so we wouldn't have a peed bed upon our return and LEFT...

We headed to my parents house (btw.. this is a WHOLE nother blog, BUT I have THE single most amazing family in the world... didn't even have to ASK my sisters to take charge of AM and the kiddos for me... just started the request... they knew where I was going... and VOILA I was at the neurosurgeon sitting peacefully next to ONLY John crocheting my little fingers off as we waited to see the Dr.)

Dr. Ahuja agreed with wacky Waukesha Memorial doctor (kinda).... He agree that John had another seizure... He agreed that it was likely related to that old aneurysm... However, he did not agree with the medication prescribed OR much else... He concurred what the pharmacist had revealed and discontinued TWO of John's current meds....  The anti-seizure meds that the Waukesha Memorial doctor put John on (along with a crazy high dosage) are what is causing the INTENSE dizziness. Dr. Ahuja prescribed a lower dosage of something different to prevent another seizure.

Here's the scoop:

John is out of work for the next 2 weeks.
After that, he can return to work with no restrictions other than that he cannot drive for another 4 weeks.
He has to see a neurologist about the seizures (we are already established with one in Hartford).
It was MENTIONED that if the medicine does not control the seizures, they would do surgery on the aneurysm. (but that is a WHOLE nother ball of wax that I am just LEAVING in my Lord's hands and REFUSING to worry about)

I am CHOOSING to look at the silver linings:

***We did NOT get admitted to the hospital, nor did we have to schedule another angioplasty of the aneurysm as had been suggested in the first call to the doctor.
***I got a LOT of my crocheting done while we waited.
***I get an ENTIRE two weeks with my baby home... a quieter pace... less chaos...
***The dizziness should subside shortly and will NOT be something John has to live with the rest of his life.

I just won't even focus on the negatives... I'm not even ALLOWING them into the perimeter of my vision! My God will take care of the icky parts and I'm just gonna PRAISE Him for the good parts... THE END!

Thank you for your continued prayers. I'm off to Walmart to get some scrips filled!

Who to believe....

Well, good morning all. Sorry I didn't get an update posted yesterday... Catching up is not for the faint of heart! Even though my neighbor took the time to do ALL of my dishes while she was caring for my aunt and the dog in our absence, I still had quite a bit to catch up on around here:

*TONS of laundry
*a little shopping
*cleaning up after what looked like a tornado blew through our house
*making lists titled: What to bring if I'm rushing out the door to the ER. and What medications John takes.
*making dinner
*showering the elderly and infirm that I care for
*loving on my babies who I missed SO much during that 24 hour hiatus

I wanted to provide a few more details so you can be praying:

1. we are trying to get in touch with OUR neurosurgeon. We are NOT at peace about what the neurologist at Waukesha Memorial told us, prescribed, et al... He (after just two tests and seeing John two times) basically contradicted MUCH of what our neurosurgeon has told us over the past 2 1/2 years. We are VERY confused and don't trust him at all because we trust Dr. Ahuja. We did not fill the medication the Wauk Mem doctor gave us (in fact even the pharmacist said, "Wow! this is a drastic change from what he's been on in the past... and there is a current med that should be discontinued if they are going to take this route.") and have left a message with Dr. Ahuja's office this morning. We are waiting to see what OUR doctor has to say.

2. John is bouncing back a little, but he is still VERY dizzy. He lost his balance this morning and fell to the ground. Thank goodness he was in an open area and there was nothing for him to knock his head on!

I wanted to say THANK YOU for all your support. You just do NOT know how much even just a short e-mail or quick comment means to us. Just knowing that we are on so many people's hearts and minds and most importantly in your prayers really buoys us during these times.

I'm sorry if I don't take the time to answer each e-mail and comment... I'm just way beyond swamped and trying HARD to listen to my Momma's nagging, "Take care of YOURSELF, Jami!" It is hard to keep all these balls in the air AND make sure I am getting a little rest too... So please forgive me if I don't reply to your messages... know that I DO appreciate them and I am FOREVER grateful for your support.

Finally, to the lesson part... I updated my boss this morning and in her reply she said, "I'll bet you wonder what the heck is going on and who to believe?" It got me thinking... I know she meant "who to believe" in reference to which doctor to believe... but the first thing that flew into my mind is I know who to believe.... I believe God... and He says he will never leave me or forsake me... He says He has a plan to give me a hope and a future... He says consider the lilies of the field....

I know who to believe. And I'm believing He will carry us through this yet again.

Thanks!

The Hand of God....

We're home... I'm exhausted... I am suffering from a VICIOUS sleep deprivation headache, BUT I have to stay up a little longer to get our comforter out of the dryer (puppy left alone had an accident on our bed). Before I go to bed I wanted to quickly give credit to the Hand of God which was ALL over this most recent chapter in the saga of our life.

1. Atlanta... In August, we made plans for me to take a "women's retreat" to see my brown-skinned Momma in Atlanta. We put it on our calendar, scheduled it with Ros, and started shopping for airplane tickets. Just a few days before I needed to buy my ticket, I started to get this catch in my spirit... This just wasn't the right timing. I told Ros that with how much John's pain had been flaring up, I did not have a peace about flying to Atlanta and leaving him with the children. What if he had a flare up while I was gone? Then a few weeks ago my writing job TANKED out of the blue. I thought, "See! That's what God was protecting me from!" I figured God was protecting me from the "leanness" of our budget. Until Friday night... see my trip was scheduled from Thursday 10/20 to Sunday 10/23. I would have been IN Atlanta when John had the seizure.

2. Jean & Tanisha... Last night as we drove to McDonald's to get dinner, Tanisha said, "I'm just so glad we got home in time." Apparently she and Jean had been out running errands. They arrived home just 10 minutes before John started seizing. If they had not arrived home when they did, Noah would have been handling the situation virtually alone. As it is Noah was very traumatized by what he witnessed. I can only imagine what would have happened if he had been alone.

Besides these two MAJOR examples, there were many, many small things God worked out to bring the best outcome possible for us.

Now I know that some of you may be reading this thinking, "This girl is LOONY!" Her husband just had his second seizure in a year, his fourth hospitalization in just over two years.... his condition is unknown [we're just waiting till Monday to connect with John's neurosurgeon... no answers... no clue...] right now... our future is quite uncertain.

But I am not CRAZY! I saw the Hand of God ALL over this latest episode and it ENCOURAGED me in the midst of my terror... it calmed me in the midst of the storm....

I have NO idea why God is taking us through yet ANOTHER season of this nonsense.... I don't know if my faith needs to be perfected... I don't know if my spirit needs to be broken... I don't know if one of my readers needs to be encouraged by my testimony...I have NO idea... but you know what? I don't have to know WHY I am going through this... I just have to know WHO is taking me through... and He is right by my side... He orchestrated every last detail of this ICKY situation because He had OUR best interests in mind.

Last night when I finally got to the emergency room, Noah came to me and collapsed in my arms.

I said, "Noah, I am SO proud of how you responded today! You were SO brave!"
He said, "But mom I was SO afraid!"
I told him, "Noah, courage is not about whether you were afraid or not. Courage is being afraid and acting anyway."

Tonight I tell you, "Readers... faith isn't about whether you're afraid or not... faith is about trusting God even WHEN you are afraid."

I'm not gonna lie... I am TERRIFIED of the medical cesspool I am swimming in right now... but even though I'm afraid, I trust God. I know His Hand is over me... I know He has me covered.'

Thank you for your prayers! I feel them keeping me strong!