Happily Ever After Recipe

It all started with a BEAUTIFUL wedding. Then 7 moves... 10 cars... 6 churches... 4 kids.... 7 surgeries... 5 grandkids... 17 jobs... 1 old lady.... lost teeth.... broken bones.... stitches.... baptisms.... weddings... cheerleading.... martial arts... basketball.... baseball... soccer... endless searches for a little girl's glasses.... bickering children... sticky kisses... vomiting... snuggling.... copays.... electric bills... plenty of tears... more laughs (and fights) than you can count... and here we are with one BLESSED marriage.

My marriage is turning sweet 16 today and along the way I've learned some lessons:

*A marriage doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. There is PLENTY of beauty in imperfection. Flaws make beauty REAL. 

*Everybody's happiness looks different.  What makes me happy might make you MISERABLE and vice versa.

*Fairytales are stories.  Marriage isn't the harmonic melody and the rose petals under your fancy lace shoes while you walk down the aisle.  Marriage is better represented by the mud-caked face of a soldier in the trenches fighting and SACRIFICING himself for what he holds dear.

*Marriage is about becoming more CHRISTLIKE.  It isn't about happily ever after or China patterns or even kids who are your mini-me. Every part of this journey we are on is about becoming more like our Savior. That's it. Period.  The end.

So happy anniversary, Babe.  Marrying you has made me a better person. And this journey we are on, filled with excitement and fear, joy and sorrow,  peace and ire.... it's the best ride I've been on in my entire life!

Anniversary Address

One score and four years ago, John J. Kastner and I entered into a covenant union, based upon a shared love for God and modeled after the principles set forth in His word. We have faced many battles. In truth, it often seems more time has been spent trudging over sharp, rocky valleys then frolicking in beautiful, green meadows. We stood at that altar 14 years ago today and promised "in sickness and in health," "for richer and poorer," "for better and worse," and I, for one, am immensely proud of how this union has stood the test of sickness, poorer and much, much worse. Today, I celebrate 14 years of being married to my best friend, and I renew my commitment to fight like the dickens to ensure that this covenant stands, that this union reflects God's glory, and that my marriage lasts until "death do us part."

Happy Anniversary, John J. Kastner. I love you more than I can say here in this silly little blog. Here's to 14 more years of wedded bliss ;)  We sure are living the dream.

The beauty in flaws...

John and I have a new obsession on television. It is called Brothers & Sisters. We found it on Netflix. It is tawdry, fake, sassy and at the exact same time REAL. I literally cry through every episode. It is weird that I like this show as much as I do because its political and social agenda differ VASTLY from mine, plus Calista Flockhart has never been my favorite actress. Alas I love the show anyway.

Over the weekend we watched this fantastic episode. (SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!) Kitty was struggling to fight lymphoma, and she just wanted a night out.  Her husband Robert (a senator and filthy rich) surprised her with  a rooftop dinner for two. It was perfectly staged and BEAUTIFUL... a complete surprise... even included fireworks. As they stood there gazing on what he had done for her.... So wildly imperfect [Kitty had cancer running through her veins.. Robert was a pretty recent survivor of a heart bypass... Just a few episodes ago their marriage had nearly fallen apart due to Robert's overzealous ambition and Kitty's affair]... all I could think was how BEAUTIFUL they were. How beautiful their story was. How beautiful their love was.  And I heard God whisper, "That is LOVE Jami.  That is LOVE."

Love isn't the perfect couple that has never fought, never betrayed, never doubted. Love is the couple that has been to Hell and back and is still standing together. Love is facing health catastrophes, financial destitution, barrenness, legal battles and even infidelity and coming out on the other side TOGETHER. I always feel so ashamed of my flaws. I want so badly to present to the world this picture of perfection. A perfect person.. a perfect marriage... perfect children... perfect home...  All of a sudden in that moment, with Robert and Kitty standing on that rooftop strong and BEAUTIFUL, I realized that it is the FLAWS that make something/someone beautiful. Perfection is overrated! There is beauty and STRENGTH in triumphing over the hurdles you have faced.

There is an added layer for those of us who love and serve Jesus. This lesson goes beyond the beauty of the human spirit triumphing over adversity. A whole new wave of BEAUTY rushes over me when I look at my flaws and appreciate the beauty of them and then WOOSH! come the realization that those flaws are SO beautiful in me because it is then that God is shining through me most brightly. In our weakness HE is strong....

So I challenge you, look at your flaws differently today. Appreciate their beauty... but most of all delight in the chance for God to shine more brightly through the "bare spots" in your life.

God bless!

For better or for worse....

I remember vividly the day.... It is one of my favorite days to remember.  There I stood, twenty-nine years old sure I'd be forever single... but I was wrong... oh so wrong. The day was absolutely perfect!  Melinda Toy sang like an angel... my sisters, cousins and friends walked down the aisle before me... Dad walked next to me and gave me away... Mom cried... John did too... I often say my ONLY regret of the ENTIRE day was that I took my veil off at my reception. My hair never looked quite the same once I removed the veil. I stood there at that altar stars in my eyes and love in my heart and there I vowed, In sickness and in health.... For richer for poorer... For better or worse...  I had no idea what poorer would look like.  No one forewarned me how dark worse could get. And no one explained the excruciating pain of the sickness.

I'm not sure whose pain is worse. John, again incapacitated in the living room, unable to turn his head AT ALL to the side, struggling with discouragement over the realization that this will LIKELY be the rest of his life... intolerable neck pain, trips to the NICU, continual medications... Or me, torn in half watching the man I love struggle through the despondency of realizing he is just NOT the same and will probably never get back to what he used to be.  We are both struggling through so much YUCK!

Last night we had the discussion (with tears in BOTH of our eyes) that as SUCKY as this is... it really, truly DOES beat the alternative. We could have lost him. I could be struggling to raise these four babies alone. I could be lonely and scared and without my BFF. I could be spending every night wiping tears from the faces of my precious babies instead of schlepping him medication and a warm sock buddy. As hard and gut-wrenching as this is, the alternative is just way worse.

So here's the deal... when we pledge for better or for worse, we have NO idea what that means. We have this strong conviction that we'll "stand by our man" but we have only a vague idea of what that will look like. As the details become clear, it's not like we wish we hadn't pledged this but we kinda realize WOW! I had no idea it would look like THIS! 

It's like our relationship with God. We choose to accept His free gift. We ask Him to come into our hearts and our lives. We have a FIRM conviction that we'll stand by Him NO MATTER WHAT, but we have NO idea what NO MATTER WHAT will look like. We have to just blindly trudge forward waiting for the details to be revealed to us.

I hope this e-mail doesn't strike you wrong.  I am NOT lamenting the struggle through the worse.  I actually embrace it. I really truly do! First of all because the alternative is so much worse, but second of all, I embrace these times because I really don't get to see enough of my husband. While I don't like him being in pain, I really do like him being home.  I guess I just wanted to put it out there for anyone else who is struggling through the sickness, poorer, or worse right now.... Struggling in their marriage, in their life or in their walk with God.... Hang on! Do NOT give up!  For better or worse!  You promised it to your spouse, to your God, to yourself!  You can DO this!

Marriage...

Sacred Marriage:  What if God designed marriage to make us holy instead of happy?  Gary Thomas

Haven't read this book yet, but OH how its title has been rocking my world!  On Wednesday, my friend Terri posted this in her FB status.  It has been echoing through my soul ever since, and of course part of why it has been on my mind is that John and I have been negotiating a mine field of struggles recently... and not without stepping on a few mines.

I have always known I would find more success working to make my spouse happy then fighting to get him to make me happy.  But WHAT IF... WHAT IF it isn't about happiness AT ALL???  You know as earth shaking as that question was to me, really it should not have been.  I have long believed and loudly touted, "God cares more about your character than your comfort."  Really that is what this marriage thesis is saying.  That being comfortable (happy) is not as important as building character (holiness).

We can BE happy in a marriage, but I think the point it that happiness comes as a byproduct.  The true goal of every single part of our life is HOLINESS.  Tough to swallow???  A little bit.  Make sense??? A LOT!  Marriage is HARD.  It takes humility and fortitude like I've never exhibited before.  I have to be SOFT and PLIABLE in my compromising with this man but SOLID and UNBUDGING in my commitment to him.  It makes a lot of sense that this thing called marriage is about HOLINESS.    

Now before you go run and grab your spouse and make him/her read this because HE/SHE need to be holier... WAIT!  You need to read this too.  YOU!  It is YOU who clicked on this link!  It is YOU who God is speaking to right now!  Even if what your spouse has done is WRONG... flat out completely and totally WRONG... SINFUL...  guess what?  There is still holiness for you to achieve.  Turn the other cheek... Speak the truth IN LOVE... If you are a part of it, you have a part in it.  So pursue YOUR holiness and let God worry about your spouse's holiness.  That is what God has been speaking (FINE!  SHOUTING!) to me recently.  "KEEP YOUR NOSE OUT OF JOHN'S BUSINESS, JAMI!"  GOD SAYS.  "WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN IMPERFECTIONS!  PURSUE YOUR OWN HOLINESS!"

So that's what I'm gonna do.  I hope you will too.  

Worship Wednesday: Lead Me

Guest blogger:  John J. Kastner

Blogger’s Intro:  [Yes!  I got permission before posting this!]

Last week I received the following in an e-mail from my hubby.  I told him I was going to post it at my blog.  I think he thought I was kidding, but I was not.  I think this e-mail will minister to someone’s heart, but I also wanted to share it with you because I wanted to show a little of his heart here on my blog because I find the heart of John J. Kastner to be a precious place to enter, and I feel honored to be allowed into it. 

Hope you enjoy!

Jami

Jami,

I’m not a blogger.  Most times, I don’t know where a sentence should start or end.  I hear things like, "Spell check makes things so much easier!" but when I spell words and click spell check that super computer with every possible word combo for every possible word just stares back at me with a dumbfounded look on the screen as if to say, "WHAT??? the heck are you trying to spell here???"

But I did feel God telling me this fine, sunny, blistering hot morning to write this down... to put this in words before the busyness of the day consumes me, and my thoughts on this fade away.  There is a song... don’t know if it’s new or old.  Can’t say with 100% certainty why, but it did three things for me this morning:

1. Brought this 245lb., 100%, real man to tears.  I’m not talking about eyes watery.  I’m talking about full- blown, saltwater running down my face, TEARS.

2. Brought clarity to how blessed I am because of you and the fact that you love me in spite of all my faults 

3. Showed me no matter how hard I work, or how much I work, that’s not all you're looking for in your mate. (I’m sorry I’m not always there for you the way you need me to be.  I am most often there for you the way I feel I should instead of the way you need.)

4. Showed me that I fall short of my wife, children, and family's needs way too much on a daily basis. 

I know that I know that turning on a dime is an unobtainable goal, but I will say that from now on in every situation, I will do my best to hear this song in my heart and act in a Godly, husbandly and fatherly way.

The song is by Sanctus Real.  Here are the words.  You'll have to google the music.

WITH ALL MY HEART I LOVE YOU ALL, AND I’M AM TRULY SORRY FOR THE MAN I AM TODAY.  I LOOK FORWARD TO THE MAN I’LL BE TOMORROW.

Love,

John

Lead Me

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”


I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...


“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”


So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way


To lead them
Won't You lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up


I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone


Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

On this day....

44 years ago a little boy was born, John Joseph Kastner.  He was born a little too early, and he had a rough time growing up, but on Easter Sunday sixteen years ago, Jesus saved his soul, and he was finally ready to be my soul mate.  I am SO glad that God picked my spouse for me, because He knew exactly what mate would be perfect for Jami Lynn Kastner.  On this day, his birthday, I wanted to write a blog about why John Joseph Kastner was the PERFECT choice for me.

Some people say, "Opposites attract."  Some people say, "Two different sides of the same coin."  I like to think of John and I as two blue legos.  We are the same color (blue).  We are the same thing (legos).  But one of us is missing the top, and one of us is missing the bottom.  We are only complete when stuck together.  But here is the KICKER:  for us to fit together we have to be DIFFERENT or it doesn't work.  Try as hard as you like but if you cannot get legos to stick together by pounding the tops together or by smacking the bottoms together.  The only way to get legos to stick is to put the DIFFERENT parts together.

The problem is often in marriage it is easier to focus on how our differences cause irritations instead of glorying in how our differences make us a more complete unit.  This has been MY battle for twelve years, because I have this opinion, that the Jami L. Kastner way is the RIGHT way.  But God has been teaching me for twelve years that different doesn't necessarily equal wrong.  Here's what I mean:

John is brave when I am afraid.  I have a HUGE fear issue.  I am worried about what people think about me.  I am bothered by what people are saying about me.  I am AFRAID that disaster lurks just around the corner.  I am TERRIFIED that something will happen to my children.  This makes me a very cautious person, but it can go too far.  Where is the trust in God if I am always afraid?  While lovingly working me through my fear issue, God placed this wonderful man in my life who is not afraid of ANYTHING!  He doesn't give a rip what people think or say about him.  He doesn't worry about what's lurking around the corner.  He is just not afraid.  I can count on one hand, the number of times I have seen John J. Kastner show fear over the past 12 years (when Jeremiah swallowed a dart and needed an endoscopy, when Elijah's needed surgery on his thumbs, when he faced brain surgery, and when Elijah had his tonsils out).  Those were the only times he showed fear, and I only noticed them because of my trained eye and advanced studies in all things John J. Kastner.

John is tough where I am tender.  This isn't hard for people to figure out.  John is a gruff guy.  He lays down the law.  He stands up for me when I am being mistreated.  He is the BACKBONE!  I needed this in my life so badly!  I always joke (but there's A LOT of truth to it) that I can hardly tell the Subway guy he messed up my sandwich.  I am a conflict-a-phob like NO other!  I needed John in my life to make me a little tougher, but mostly to be tough for me when I just can't seem to be.

Those aren't our only differences, but they are our biggest ones, and I have learned over the past dozen years to look at the ways our differences turn us into a more complete unit instead of allowing them to irritate me.

So on this day, August 14, 2010, I want to send a HUGE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

to my one and only.

(Close you eyes if you hate the mushy stuff.)

I love you John Kastner.  You complete me.  I am eternally grateful God gave you to me.

Reflecting on twelve years of marriage....

As of yesterday, John and I have been married for twelve years. We had a GLORIOUS weekend away from EVERYTHING. We shipped the kids off (THANK YOU Shawn & Jodi) and farmed Auntie Marge out (THANKS Mom & Dad), and we just hung out in solitude at our place for the whole weekend. It was marvelous! The highlight of our weekend was dream shopping at Home Depot… (hee hee hee)

But on this first day of the thirteenth year of our marriage, I thought I would do a little more reflection. Here are a few things that this weekend (and thirteen years) have taught me...

1. John Joseph Kastner is an amazing, enigmatic, hard working, funny, adorable, incredible, dedicated man. I just REALLY love this man. I love being with him. I love talking to him. I love everything about him. You know I’m sure after twelve years one or two of his flaws have presented themselves, but I have learned two things about loving my spouse: (1) Everyone in this world has positive and negative characteristics…. EVERYONE (2) It is MY CHOICE to highlight his attributes or emphasize his weaknesses… MY satisfaction level depends upon which choice I make. I work my hardest every day to CHOOSE to highlight John's positives while helping him work through his negatives....

2. Marriage is HARD! Anyone who tells you otherwise is either a newlywed or is lying. Taking two individuals and melding them into one cohesive unit takes WORK! It does not come naturally. Crucifying your own desires on a daily basis is not inherent, it is a learned trait. Even after twelve years, marriage takes work. I don't believe that will ever change. I believe marriage is a lifelong assignment. If you think you have completed that assignment and you and your spouse are still alive, well then you have some more thinking to do.

3. Marriage is worth fighting for. As difficult as it can be to meld two people into one unit, the benefits reaped from doing so FAR surpass the effort required. Having someone with whom to weather all the storms of life is an amazing blessing. Having someone who just "gets" you with hardly any explanation on your part is invaluable. Having someone who is always, always, always there for you is a gift that is worth fighting your butt off for. So don't be discouraged by point number 2, instead be ENCOURAGED, marriage may be a difficult, but it is definitely worthwhile.

4. A marriage can withstand ANYTHING if the people in it are stubbornly headstrong to this one purpose: marriage is FOREVER! One of the best things my parents EVER did for me was to show me that no matter what their relationship weathered, they were going to stick together. They taught me marriage was going to be hard, but exiting marriage was not an option. Trust me, John and I are both stubborn and headstrong so I think we've got this one in the bag.

5. Everyone in this world can benefit from a little downtime. Sometimes John and I do not realize the superhuman load we are attempting to carry: He works a full time job and a part-time job. I work a part-time job, homeschool four children, and care for my elderly aunt. Neither of us gets much sleep. Neither of us has much of a social life. We rarely go out on dates. We have never once been on a family vacation. We live life at a frenzied pace. We have always just adapted to this craziness out of necessity, but this weekend I realized how very, very, very nice downtime (and sleep) can be.

Well I guess that's about all I have time for (it's not all I learned, but Blogger stymied my efforts all day by way of a broken link that kept prohibiting me from posting this). I guess my closing is more of a dedication than a wrap up:

Happy anniversary John Kastner... I love you with all of me. Thank you for loving me when I'm unlovable. Thank you for believing in me no matter what. Thank you for being my biggest fan and my best critic. I can't wait to see what the next decade or two brings.

Birthday blog....

On the occasion of my birthday I thought I would reflect on what I've learned over the past 12 months. It's been a rocky year... one that resembles some sort of boot camp experience... but I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I learned A LOT:

1. It is God who holds my heart in His hands. He is the only One who will never let me down, leave me, or betray me. Friends, family members, spouses... They disappoint, leave, betray, even die... But He NEVER will. NEVER!

2. It is very important to keep my focus forward; however, glancing backward to remember where I have been is VITAL when attempting not to repeat past mistakes.

3. You can't fix stupid. This may sound funny coming from a teacher; however I have come to see that I CANNOT change the inane rules my insurance company has... I CANNOT change a headstrong, mule-like person... I just CANNOT fight city hall.... Therefore, some battles are better left unfought.

4. Stress.... It's a killer! Stress will catch up with you. It doesn't matter how much I think I resemble Wonder Woman. It doesn't matter that I think I can handle it. Put your body through continual and constant stress, and eventually, the effects will begin to show.

5. His grace is ALWAYS sufficient. No matter what I FEEL like. No matter what I FEAR. No matter what the devil is whispering to me.... No matter that those aforementioned effects of stress are beginning to show... His grace is ALWAYS sufficient.

6. People are crazy and we live in strange times. (Have to admit I stole this one from my mom and her healthcare seminar).... it's so true... read it again... marinate on it... I think you'll agree.

7. One ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship. (Spanish Proverb) When push comes to shove.... When I am down on my luck... When I feel like I have no one else to turn to... My family is ALWAYS there for me and this I can ALWAYS take to the bank: my Momma loves me.

8. This thing called parenting... Heck this thing called marriage... it just ain't as easy as it looks. There are days when I want to throw the whole kit and caboodle out with the used dishwater, BUT... the benefits... should I choose not to throw in the towel... are well, well, WELL worth it.

9. I am sooooo glad that God chose these specific angels to be my babies. They may be daredevils.... Their heads have been known to spin around.... But they are sweet and smart and kind and polite.... They LOVE Jesus with all of them and THEY ARE MY BABIES! And I am GRATEFUL!

10. John Joseph Kastner is the bravest man I know. He is no saint, and he is not perfect. But he bravely faces down EVERY challenge that comes before him. He will fight to the DEATH for his family and especially his wife. He will never give up no matter how insurmountable the odds seem... no matter how scared he is... no matter what it might cost him. I am ever grateful that my God chose THIS man to complete me... for without him I would be NOTHING.

So there it is... another year older, and actually, I think this year (more than many others) I am actually another year wiser as well. It is NOT a year I wish to repeat EVER again, but it is definitely a year that brought me closer to God, my husband, my children, and my family. It was definitely a year that made me stronger. Hope I'm not too whimpy though if I ask just one thing as a "birthday wish"...

Dear God, Can I please have an easier year next?

Funny what we take for granted.....

I have been suffering through an AWFUL back episode this week. The other day when I awoke, just wiggling my leg brought tears to my eyes. This morning as I tried to tie my shoe, I thought, "Funny what we take for granted." Normal days I just bend at the waist and tie my shoe completely taking for granted the fact that my back just allowed me to bend in that manner. You know how I am. I let my mind wander, and I wondered. What else do I take for granted?

Last night as I drove home from Franklin I turned on K-Love. I didn't catch the whole story, but they were talking about some woman. She had a degenerative back condition which required surgery, she had lupus and one other illness I can't remember. I thought CRUD! She has a lot on her plate medically. This morning I woke up and besides this terrible back ache, I was healthy. "Funny what we take for granted."

A few weeks ago I read the story about a man from our church, Jason Mentink. He was just 25 years old. At the end of January he died playing a game of basketball. He left a young widow and two little girls. Last night I went to bed beside my husband, and this morning I kissed him goodbye as he left for work. "Funny what we take for granted."

Last year my sister attended back-to-back funerals for two victims of childhood cancer. Those Mommas watched their children battle cancer and lose. Then they had to put their babies' bodies in coffins and bury them in the ground, no longer squeezing their arms around their precious children and now left only with the hope of squeezing them in eternity. As I type this I can hear the pounding of my children's feet as they run down the basement stairs. Yesterday I followed them around my parents' house trying to keep them from destroying stuff. Today I will fight with them to get their chores done with a good attitude. "Funny what we take for granted."

In January, 48 Laotian Christians were forced from their homes at gunpoint. Some had belongings confiscated. Some had their homes destroyed. When they refused to renounce Christ, they were forced to leave their village. I blabber on and on at this website about my God, my faith, my beliefs... I freely go to church and worship WHENEVER I want. I openly teach my children to love Jesus. "Funny what we take for granted."

The earthquake in Haiti toppled thousands of homes, leaving so many without a roof over their head..... No shelter from the elements... No place to put their things.... No safety and security from criminals... Today I will mutter about cleaning up my house. I may get a little chilly and stroll over to the thermostat and punch it up a few degrees. I might get hungry and walk over and open my refrigerator to find something to eat. I will likely lie down next to Hannah after lunch and sneak in a little nap in my warm cozy bed. "Funny what we take for granted."

What are you taking for granted today? When you bend down to tie your shoe, thank God that you can. If you are not dead, thank God you are still alive. Even if you're ailing, thank God it isn't worse. Whether your husband is bringing you roses or leaving his dirty laundry on the floor, thank God you have him. When you catch your children just after they've colored on the wall, thank God they are healthy enough to do that. If you love Jesus and plan to go to church this Sunday to worship Him, thank God you can do so without fear of retaliation. If you have a roof over your head and food in your refrigerator, thank God for those provisions. And if you have NONE of these things, thank Jesus that He died to save you from your sins. You at least have that!

God bless and have a GREAT Saturday!

Thankful Blog Part 2 - My Hubby

Apparently when I was single, I came off as quite picky about guys. A former student I recently reconnected with on Facebook informed me I told them I would never marry someone whose thighs were smaller than mine. I don't recall that, but I do remember measuring the height of my head in order to add that figure to my height and determine what would be the perfect height guy. In my head, perfect was tall enough to place his chin on top of my head.

When push came to shove and I met John, all I ever wanted was a man who loved God. I knew that marriage would have ups and downs, but I believed that if I just found someone who loved my Jesus with all of him we could work through the tough times. We have had a rough year and a half's worth of testing that theory. It has proven to be true, but the tough times of the past eighteen months have revealed many things to me about this man I married, and I am grateful for EVERY single one of them.

John J. Kastner:
*is the hardest working man I have ever met
*loves me fiercely and lavishly and completely
*lays down his pride for me on a daily basis
*loves his children and is RABIDLY protective of them
*is handy and resourceful
*has a thirst for the things of God
*is good at math and LOVES to teach our children it
*loves to worship unabashedly and completely
*is hysterically funny and terrifyingly surprising
*loves Jesus with ALL of him

Oh and one more thing, he is tall enough to place his chin right on top of my head.

This Thanksgiving I am eternally thankful for my hubby.

Who's controlling you?

I was reading The Love Dare over the weekend, and this struck me:

If you’re irritable, it’s because you choose to be. If you can’t function
without a clean house, it’s because you’ve decided no other way will do.
If you pick at your mate more than you praise them, it’s because you’ve allowed
your heart to be selfish.

I have long maintained the only person you can control is yourself, and no one else can control you unless you let them. When my children say to me, “He makes me so angry!” I always tell them, “You allow yourself to be angry. He can’t control you!” But this is so much easier to say then to live out!

I have this horrible flaw. I want everyone to approve. I cannot stand for people to disapprove of or doubt my decisions. I am a people-pleaser, and I just want to make everyone happy. This leads me to worry about EVERYTHING! I wonder what will my mother think of this? What will the people at church think of that? Even what will the checker at Pick ‘N Save think when I buy that? I give so much control to others in my life, important (my mom) and not so important (checker at Pick ‘N Save).

Here is the biggest problem with this, quite frequently God calls us to do things that make sense to no one. [Think Noah and the Ark, Joshua at the Battle of Jericho, Peter walking on water.] Often we are asked to step out in faith believing that His ways are not our ways, and to others we must look at best silly but oftentimes even insane. The more control I give to others by worrying what they will think, the less control I give to God.

What’s a people-pleaser to do? I guess I can choose to follow the example of any one of those Biblical heroes: Noah, Joshua, Peter. I choose Peter. I actually like how Peter starts to sink when he focuses on the wind and waves. I can practically see myself starting to sink into a sea of faces. The faces of all those people I am so worried will disapprove of me. I like even more what comes next. Peter is saved when he LOOKS AT JESUS. That is just so poignant. Focus on Jesus! Keep your eyes on Jesus! Do NOT worry about what anyone else will think. Do not fret that this or that person might be watching you and judging you. Keep your eyes on Jesus! Seek God’s will and then with your eyes firmly fixed on your Savior walk across those waves and triumph over all that disapproval!

So that's what I'm gonna do! This people-pleaser is turning in her membership card and vowing with everything in her to keep her eyes affixed on her Savior and pleasing Him alone. Will you join me?

Thoughts on jealousy

Last night John and I watched Not Easily Broken. It was at least a “3-cry” movie. It is about marriage and is based on a novel by T.D. Jakes. At one point, the wife confronts the husband because she suspects he is having an affair. She asks, “Did you sleep with her?” He tells her he did not, but he tells her he does have feelings for the other woman. The wife collapses back against her pillow deeply wounded and says, “She’s stolen your heart from me?” The scene was especially poignant for me.

I have long maintained that it would be much worse if my husband had an emotional affair then it would be if he had a physical affair. It would hurt much more to know that his heart had been captivated by another woman. Perhaps that is why Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:27 – 28 He knew that a sin does not have to be carried all the way through to commission to bring devastating results.

John gets irritated when I am on the computer when he is home. It does not matter if I am on the computer writing or working or if I am on the computer playing on Facebook or chatting. It drives him nuts! This week it came up during the American Idol finale. I was rapidly commenting, chatting, and posting on Facebook during the finale. He was hurt and irritated because he was sitting right there and I still had to be on Facebook conversing with other people. As I walked up the stairs to go to bed that night, God started ministering to me: John has a right to be jealous. You have very little time with him home. He has a right to be jealous when you spend some of that precious time ignoring him. Then God took it further by showing me jealousy is not a sinful emotion, even He feels jealousy.

For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24. God wants my affections, my time, my HEART! How it must wound Him when someone or something else steals my heart from Him. Lately my life has heated up to a rapid boil. The first things to be sacrificed on my altar of craziness always seem to be: prayer and Bible study. I let my heart be stolen by a stupid job, by needing a cleaner house, by Facebook over and over and over again, and God has a right to be jealous!

My God and my husband, in that order, deserve my whole heart. They have a right to be jealous when I allow busyness, socializing, even service to steal my heart away from them. So today I am going to purpose in my heart to stop giving my heart away to others, to strive for a better balance (even in the busy times) which gives my God and my husband their proper places in my heart.