Storms of life.....

A front of HEAVY storms rolled through our lives this weekend. There were scattered patches of VERY bright sunshine, BUT the storms were SEVERE and left a bit of destruction in their wake. Mostly they left me wishing... Oh how I wish there was a meteorological way to predict Satan's attacks a way to see when the storms of life are coming my way. Because if I knew there was a storm on the horizon, then maybe I could better prepare myself. I've been pondering that this morning and God brought three things to mind:

1. Pop Quiz - the trials of this life are like a pop quiz. The whole POINT of a pop quiz is to TEST if you are prepared. Therefore, ALWAYS be prepared. Soak yourself in scripture. Surround yourself with praise music. Pray CONTINUALLY. You don't have to know when the storms are coming to be better prepared for the trials of life.

2. Sunshine in the Rain - if you keep your eyes open, there is always sunshine poking through the rain. You might not see it at first. But it is there. It IS there. My ick of Friday night to Saturday was followed by a BEAUTIFUL spot of sunshine Saturday afternoon (see above link). Then Saturday night some REALLY bad ICK before Sunday dawned a BEAUTIFUL day\. One more time Sunday night got rocky again. The point is: Soak in the Son's rays during the beautiful times to help fortify you for when the storm winds blow.

3. Stay Safe - During a storm is not the time to be going for a run, trimming your bushes or cleaning the garage. During a storm, you should hunker down and try to stay safe from the ravages of the wind and rain. Yesterday was a BUSY day. I worked feverishly all day to get my meals ready for the busy start to our week. In the middle of that, John started feeling a flare-up coming on. I immediately curtailed my plans: changed mashed potatoes for dinner to baked, scrapped making the batch of sugar cookies I had yet to get to, and delegated the dishes to the boys. I needed to hunker down and survey the progress of the storm. I am happy to say that a little rest should be all it will take to get John back up and running, but I'm not sure that would have been the case if I had foolishly plowed ahead with my work. Be smart when trials come so you can stay safe through the storm.

I have to cut this blog a little short because I have a hubby home with a neck flare-up, a baby with an ear infection, and 2 pre-teen boys who will NOT get out of bed this morning. Whether the storms of life are on your horizon or not, I pray that God shows Himself to you in a new way today!

God bless!

A perfect moment....

[DISCLAIMER: this blog will be LENGTHY.... I'm not sure it will end with a "lesson"... but I need to document it for my most important readers: John Joseph, Noah James, Jeremiah David, Elijah Daniel, and Hannah Elyzabeth. It is for them that I write. So that if at some point, I'm not here to share my heart with them (hopefully when they are OLD and GRAY.... hopefully some time after my 100th birthday.... for that is how long I plan to live) my words will live on to minister to them.]

It had been a ROUGH 24 hours.... I will start at the beginning, because I guess that's the only place to start...

Friday morning dawned a bit daunting, but nothing I haven't conquered before. Novenah arrived bringing her sickness and tearing my heart in two. I LOATHE seeing babies sick! Ugh! Their poor, tortured, sweaty-skinned,  ragged-breath selves just KILL me. We had a tough but not overly out-of-control morning. After finishing our morning lessons and getting Novenah down for a second nap, I sent the kids upstairs to get some lunch while I quick threw in a load of laundry and made some work calls in peace and quiet. Halfway through switching the wash to the dryer, I heard screams and a couple of body slams from upstairs.

Rushing up the stairs, I found mayhem and lost my patience! One boy was clutching "the family jewels" and another was red-faced from being choked. Both were FLAT on the ground. I lost it! "REALLY??? I can't ask you to do ONE self-directed task without it dissolving into WWF Smack Down?"  I was LIVID from being forced to stay upstairs and chaperon lunch preparations. I angrily did the dishes scolding the children every other minute, "Quiet!" "Get on task!" "Finish your lunch!" I needed to finish my work calls before the baby woke back up.

Finally the children finished their lunch, and we returned to the basement as a group. I resumed my laundry job and casually asked Noah a question I would later regret, "Hey, can you check if my Fedex shipment arrived yet?" After doing my bidding, he returned with news that the package had not arrived but the mail had. As I was just finishing filling the washer with a new load I heard him say, "Mom, you got a letter."

I opened the letter (actually a brief note) from afar and quickly wished I had never read it. I suppose it was meant to be informative, maybe even helpful. However, the closing line of the letter will likely tell you why it wasn't very fun to read. "Don't continue to gain a lot of weight as it is not healthy for you."  Now I don't know if many of you have ever been in the place that I find myself. Over the past few STRESSFUL years I have put on more pounds then I care to admit here publicly. I have a scale. I know exactly how much I have gained. And in spite of my crazy busy life taking care of MANY people, jobs, and tasks, I occasionally DO find time to glance in the mirror and trust me I do NOT like what I see. I also have enough of a fitness/nutrition background to know EXACTLY how unhealthy this is for me. However, all of that being said, whether it is smart or not, I am currently choosing to put caring for the MANY I love... homeschooling my babies, offering my niece child care, nursing my husband through this time of sickness, giving my aunt a place to live that is not a nursing home.... over some things I would LOVE to do: sleep, workout, eat healthier. However, in spite of KNOWING how I've gotten here and that it is of my own choosing and a result of my own actions, I live each day in fear that someone will tell me what THEY see adding a whole new level to the disgust I feel about myself. So here it was looking me RIGHT in the face: you are gaining a TON of weight Jami and people would have to be BLIND not to notice. I dissolved into tears, most of the rest of the day basically lost in a fog of depression and pain.

That wasn't the end of the icky... this morning was the first day of Youth Cheer. I was still (in spite of my icky Friday) SO excited for cheer. Yet somehow, I overslept. Then after rushing about to still get there in time, I arrived at the school and in my haste, closed Hannah's hand in the minivan door. By this point, I dissolved. I was BAWLING and a WRECK.

Hannah is fine. Her hand has a small bruise, but the injury doesn't even warrant an x-ray. I was MUCH worse off than she. I was left feeling hungover from expelling WAY too many tears over the last day. Hannah and I had a GREAT time at her first cheer practice. Those little darlings, so cute it's almost a sugar overload, could improve just about ANY day. But still I was feeling the effect of too much crying. On the way home from practice, God whispered what would be the BEST idea ever into my ear... I came home and told John, "What if we blow off chores, get some subs, and have a picnic?" I told him I had felt God telling me to pull the ones I love the most close to me and find comfort in their presence... and OHHHHH did I ever!  Did I EVER!

The weather of today PERFECTLY mirrored what happened to me.... I awoke to a DREARY day. Gray sky.  Wet streets. COLD, damp breeze. I shivered all the way to practice. While, inside the gym practicing with my adorable girls, the weather broke. The sun came out. A BEAUTIFUL, crisp, sunny, fall day was born.

And while surrounded by my babies and the man I'll love till death parts us, hope was born inside of me.  The fog of my tears cleared. The pain in my heart was soothed.

We grabbed some subs and actually ended up having a car picnic in the parking lot of the library. We spent some time checking out books and then headed home. Then followed the most PRECIOUS moment yet... sprawled in various poses of relaxation, hands hugging warm cups filled with yummy beverages, with K-love playing faintly in the background, unintentionally, not even REALIZING where I had ended up (my FAVORITE place ever) we all just read some good books.... no communication needed.... It was SUCH a perfect moment! My favorite people in the room, my favorite beverage in my hand, and my favorite activity going on.

Next time you are caught in the middle of a foggy, gray situation REMEMBER the clouds and drizzle and cold wind will only make the beauty that comes after that MUCH brighter.

HIS mighty power....

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in HIS mighty power. (emphasis mine)
Ephesians 6:10


HIS power has been on my heart a lot lately. HIS power.... When I'm struggling through difficulties, fears and worries, I often find myself begging God for help to be strong, help to withstand the test, weapons to fight away the darkness.  But I forget that:

For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Cor 12:10

God doesn't want us to be stronger. He wants us to let HIS power work through us. He wants us to admit our weakness and let Him take over.

All this crazy heat and severe weather lately.  Have you thought about the fact that OUR GOD created the forces that make those temperatures sore? He made the physics that make that booming thunder and awe-inspiring lightening possible? He made that! He is bigger than that!  HIS power FAR exceeds that!!!

So instead of trying to fight things on my own.... instead of even asking God to help ME fight things.... I need to just utter one tiny, pitiful cry, "Help."  That's all I need to do... whine out, "Help. God this one is yours. I pass this battle over to you. Don't help ME fight it... fight it FOR me! HELP!"

Whatever you are fighting today: temptation, loneliness, depression, exhaustion, discouragement, worry, fear... Let it go! Hand it over to God. Release it to the One who has the power to make forces as great as thunder, lightening, and OPPRESSIVE heat.  Leave it to God, for HIS power is so much GREATER than ours.

Warm and cozy

It's 4 a.m.  I don't mean to be up.  Disturbing dreams woke me a little over an hour ago, I finally got out of bed when curiosity over the snowfall got the best of me.  At a more godly hour, this scene might be pleasant (even idyllic):  the living room bathed by the light of the Christmas tree, a yummy cup of Sleepy Time Tea to my left, and SILENCE... oh silence, my dear long lost friend how I love thee.

This snow storm is not disappointing.  At least, it isn't up here in Hubbard, WI.  We have at least 6 inches on our back deck already.  The wind is WHIPPING the snow about (in fact I can hear and feel is whistling through that irritating gap in the patio door seal.  Even felt snow coming through into my kitchen again!  GRRRR!) menacingly.  It is too dark to really view the situation, but I know it is NOT good. The DOT is advising drivers to stay off the roads.  Anyone who doesn't HAVE to travel, shouldn't. It's pretty dangerous out there:  icky, cold, snowy.  Yet in here I am snug as a bug:  warm and cozy, tea at my side, therapy tool in my lap.  I LOVE IT!

It draws my thoughts to Him you know.  How the storms of life can rage!  How the wind can whip!  How the snow can blanket the earth!  In storms like these, visibility is reducing to nothing, traction is a distant hope.  We slip and we slide, unable to see the path before us.  Yet there is a shelter, a warm and cozy "home," a place where we are safe when the storms of life rage .  His loving embrace is that place.  With His arms around us, we are warm and cozy.  We can still hear the storms of life raging.  The wind still whips.  The snow still falls.  At some point, we will likely have to clean up the damage the storm is wreaking.  Yet when the storm is too severe, when the roads have been deemed impassable, all we have to do is snuggle up tight in the warmth of God's love and wait out the worst part, warm and cozy.

His embrace doesn't make the storm go away.  God's sovereignty won't keep the snow from piling up.  His great power isn't always for stopping the winds.  Sometimes He DOES calm the storm raging around us, but SOMETIMES He just offers us refuge from the elements.  A warm and cozy place of comfort that gets us THROUGH the storm.

Comfy and toasty in my little refuge....  Hope you're staying safe, warm and cozy too.  God bless!

One year ago...

Stitches

September 8, 2009... Some things are so fuzzy.  Some things are so clear.  I clearly remember sitting in a little vending machine alcove with Amber trying to keep our minds off what was going on in the operating room.  I hardly remember handing the kids off to my sister.  I remember Shane prayed with us before the pre-op nurse wheeled John away, but I don't remember much of what we said or did other than that..  I remember John left so quickly I didn't feel I had enough time with him and what if....  (Well you KNOW)...  What if that was the last time I saw him?  I remember how puffy he looked the first time I saw him after surgery, and I remember I cried tears of joy that he had made it through mingled with tears of sadness for how miserable he was.  I can't remember how long he was in that first ICU, but I remember the other family in the waiting room there.  I remember that their loved one wasn't expected to recover fully.  I remember eating TONS AND TONS of Noodles & Company.  I remember Amanda and Amber helping me watch the clock so we could tell John exactly how many minutes till he could press his morphine button.  I remember there was a hot male nurse Amber was sweating, but I couldn't pick him out of a line up.   And I remember the grumpy AWFUL nurse who preceded him.  I remember I hardly slept at all that week...  A few stolen winks on a family room couch... A few restless moments on an air mattress at my sister's.  I remember the AWFUL 2nd ICU, and its horrid brightness.  I remember the luxurious room we got once John got out of ICU.  I remember that it seemed we were at the hospital for years, but in reality we only spent 4 days there!  For BRAIN SURGERY! 

Daddy is my BFF

I remember tons of great nurses, doctors, therapists (most of the icky ones have faded away into fuzziness).  I remember my family and friends taking over care of the children, especially Cori caring for them EVERY spare unaccounted for minute.  I remember thinking over and over and OVER again, "The stress of all this should be killing me.  Why isn't it killing me?" I know now why...  because I was surrounded by a vast cloud of prayer.  I remember friends, family, even complete strangers blessing us with gifts, prayer, meals, food, advice, financial support.  I remember the sweetest of sweet (a little girl asking her daddy to send us 7 cents from her piggy bank), the crazy LAVISH (3 diff people gave us LARGE amounts - enough to pay the rent!), the very sacrificial (a friend whose family had struggled with unemployment for over a year slipped a folded up bill into my hand at church)....

Watchin TV in the hospital

But here it is ladies and gentlemen, what I remember the most:  He was right there with us through the whole thing.  He didn't drop the ball.  He didn't wring His hands.  He gathered us in His arms.  He buoyed us up with His people.  He healed my husband with a skillful surgeon from his tool box.  He carried us, He loved us, He provided for us, He stayed by us!

On our way home...

I don't know what you're facing today... I have friends facing foreclosure... I have a friend who just inherited FIVE children he is trying to keep together as a family.... I have friends struggling with a mysterious illness... Another struggling with the pain of divorce brought on by unfaithfulness... ALL of these needs and MORE are on my heart this morning.... A year and a half ago my heart would have felt such DEEP sadness for these situations.  Today, I feel a little sadness, but mostly I feel awe, wonder and expectation!  I know that I know that I KNOW that our God WILL come through for all of you in miraculous ways!  Just ask Him and then look for the answers.  

Last year, He pulled us through things I thought I could never make it through (a mini-stroke, being out of work for TWO MONTHS with no pay).  We hit rock bottom, time and time and TIME again last year, and we learned to cherish each and every day as a blessing from God.  I believe with all of me that He will pull you through too.  If you have a little time and want a little encouragement go back and read (or re-read) my blogs from last year:  August, September, October.... we were in the belly of the beast, and here we stand today having made it through by the grace of God.  He will get you through too!  So hang on and let Him carry you.

Day 5... Praise is NOT dependent upon our circumstances

The title of this blog seems a little more ominous then it really is. It is simply the thesis of the final prayer I prayed with the kids yesterday, and it is simply the lesson God taught all of us yesterday.

Yesterday was not a ridiculously difficult day. I was EXHAUSTED by the severe weather of the previous night. We had four storms role through Dodge County, and I FINALLY got what I wanted: a little SEVERE weather up in Dodge County! When I conversed with a friend at church (Dale Houghton insert your name here) about us moving to Dodge County last summer he said, "Isn't there always a tornado warning in Dodge County?" Then we moved here, and NOTHING, NADA, not a severe storm to be found. Well, I got my wish on Wednesday night. Only, as is the case with many things we wish for, I didn't realize the FULL ramifications of a night of severe weather. I was awake more than I was asleep on Wednesday night. First I was trying to calm four children terrified by a power outage. Then I was lying awake wondering if "this was a tornado" because the tree in my front yard looked like it was going to take wings and find another yard to reside in. During the third storm, I really truly thought the lightening was exploding in my front yard. So I was very, very, very tired yesterday. However, we had a fairly normal day. We did our summer school work. I worked. Laundry and dishes and chores were completed. Not much out of the ordinary occurred.

Well, as we have ANOTHER birthday approaching, there are party preparations to be made, and I had to get to Wal-Mart to get the supplies and some much needed groceries. (When your only option left is mayonnaise sandwiches you KNOW you gotta get to the store.) I thought a little bit about how this might put a crimp in Family Worship for tonight, but I had NO other option. I work all day and don't have time to go to Wal-Mart during the days. We waited until John was almost done working his second job so that he could shop with us. Somehow the Seventh Circle of Hell (shopping at Wal-Mart with four kids in tow) is a little more bearable with the daddy's help. The actual shopping wasn't THAT bad, although it didn't take more than 15 minutes for Hannah AND Elijah to be relegated to riding in the cart for bad behavior. (I do NOT know what it is about Wal-Mart! AHHHHHHH!) So we left Wal-Mart driving down 60, and we saw a cop stopping someone. I start driving a little more carefully and placed a quick warning call to John (who was behind me) that there was a cop. (I just KNOW that Cori thinks she knows exactly where this is going, but keep reading... I think you'll be surprised). I continued on and made the right turn onto P, but as I turned I took the turn a little too wide and crossed over the center line. A little bit down the road and flashing lights were in my rear view window. "Well, here it is," I thought. "My day of reckoning is here." I had been expecting it for quite some time. See I have been driving for longer then I care to admit with tail/brake lights that are possessed: sometimes they work/sometimes they don't. I know FULL WELL that they need to be fixed, but the estimate that the shop gave us is a little tough to swallow, and I'm just not sure where to fit that amount into our budget. So I just stopped driving unless I HAD to and tried to stay as close to home as possible. Well... that was all over now.

I have to take a quick rabbit trail to announce that (I'm sorry AIMEE! I know law enforcement is supposed to be near and dear to my heart BUT) I am NO fan of the Dodge County Sheriff's Office. NONE! And I am NOT kidding you it is ALWAYS the EXACT same officer causing me woe! Does he fricken follow the Kastners around? Since we moved to Dodge County (just one year) we have had more encounters with law enforcement (and all but 1 of them have been with this same officer) than we have in the entire rest of our marriage combined. Not-my-favorite officer, did take the time to point out that he only gave me a ticket for inattentive driving when he could have given me "crossing over the center line" which would cost me more points and more money. Well thank you so much kind sir. He also gave me 15 days to get my tail/brake light fixed. GREAT! because I'm sure I will be able to figure that out in 15 days when I haven't been able to figure it out in the 15 weeks (I'm estimating here but it's my blog so I can do that!) it's been manifesting the evil spirits. He also let slip that he was only "working overtime tonight because of the traffic initiative" they have going, which explained why John saw another THREE cops on the country roads leading home to our house. Whatever... there are SO many things I could say about my not so little ticket. I could defend myself by pointing out it is my first one in over seven years. Or I could admit how much it humbled me because I GRIPE CONTINUALLY at my husband about his poor driving habits. Or I could just be responsible and realize that I did something wrong and it was well within dude's rights to ticket me because of it. But this is not about any of those things.... it is about this:

I arrived home in not the best mood. It was already after 9 p.m. We had to put away hundreds of dollars in party supplies and groceries. The kids STILL hadn't even had dinner. I threw a frozen pizza in the oven and turned on the music and we PRAISED! We sang our VERY favorite song: Set me on Fire. We screamed it out! We danced about! We praised our Jesus!

Then before we consumed the frozen pizza that was to be our dinner, we prayed and I uttered the words that were the lesson of the day:

"God we praise You, not because we are in a good mood, not because the events of the last few hours were pleasing, but because You are worthy of PRAISE and Your praise does NOT depend upon our moods." I paused for a second, a catch in my throat, praying silently that my babies were GETTING THIS! "We praise You right now because You are good ALL the time."

I hope YOU are getting this too. Yesterday wasn't a HORRIBLE day. Yesterday had horrible parts. But no matter how horrible or how amazing my day (or your day) was, God remained the same. He was worthy of praise when I was standing on the side of Hwy P being eaten alive by mosquitoes and chastised by Deputy After-the-Kastners. He was worthy of praise when Hannah looked up at me and sighed, "I just LOVE you Momma." He was worthy of praise when my head was POUNDING from lack of sleep. He was worthy of praise when Noah got that averaging problem all by himself on the first try. See, praise is NOT dependent upon our circumstances. Praise is dependent upon Him... and He is good ALL the time!

Update and a little inspiration.....

Well... John returned to work yesterday. It went fine, but on Mondays he only has to work the one job (MU) so today will be the real test. He plans to return to McD tonight.

Last night he climbed into bed, and there was NO winding down... before the opening credits of our episode of The Office were done, he was ZONKED! So I'm thinking he was a little tired from returning to work at ONE JOB. Tonight I better use my killer spotting techniques as he may not even make it to the bed before falling asleep!

Switching up his meds and increasing the pain killers along with lots of rest and heat/ice therapy has gotten him to the point where he can function again. However, his pain is still at a much higher level than we'd like it to be. Please continue to pray for his stamina. The pain wears him out A LOT. He is drained from just the simple tasks of a normal day. Also continue to pray about the discouragement. He is VERY down and struggling with despair over not being able to get past this. Finally, of course pray for healing... While we recognize that he very well COULD be like this the rest of his life, we refuse to accept that as the end. Our God raised the dead! Our God parted the Red Sea! Our God turned water into wine! What are a few spasmed neck muscles, excruciating headaches, and significant exhaustion to Him?????

So we're still here... hanging on... we had a LOVELY evening last night with two beautiful angels and their guys. Amanda and Amber came to celebrate Father's Day with a cookout at our house. We had a very nice dinner and then watched RV. However, our evening was cut short by the severe weather. They had to skirt out of here QUICK to beat the storms. While the storms did leave me feeling jilted and neglected (we got NOTHING out here in Dodge county! just a little thunder and lightening... no tornadoes... no hail... no hurricane force winds... BLECH!), they were also a good reminder to me. My God created this whole universe. He is bigger and stronger than the tornado that ripped through Eagle last night. He holds the power of those lightening strikes in the palm of His hand. He holds back the rain and sends it forth. I take comfort in knowing my Heavenly Father is THAT big and THAT powerful.

Hope you do too....

Rain

“Momma, can you pray to Jesus that it won’t rain?” I have often been asked this question. Today as we stood on the soccer field with dark clouds looming in the west, I was asked it again. Jeremiah has struggled with a bit of a weather phobia for a few years now. He is typically the one who asks me to pray that the storm won’t come. Whenever he asks this, I cannot help thinking, “But the rain smells so good! The sound of the rain pounding on the pavement is so soothing. The boom of the thunder is so exhilarating.” I have tried before to school Jeremiah on the benefits of the rain. I tell him how rain helps the grass and trees to grow. I explain that rain rinses away the dirt on the streets. I marvel at the way a storm reveals some of God’s glory. All of these lessons fall on deaf ears, because Jeremiah can only think of the fear which arises in him during a storm.

It is similar to my reaction to the storms of life. I want God to calm the storm. I want Him to stand up in the boat and say, “Peace be still.” I want Him to calm the wind and the waves of hardship with just His quiet words. I struggle with a bit of a hardship phobia. I just want God to make the hardships go away. I most definitely miss some of the good smells and soothing sounds of hardship because I am shaking in my boots praying to Jesus that it won’t rain.

When Jeremiah wants me to pray that it won’t rain, I usually respond by saying, “Jeremiah, I can tell it is going to rain. I can see the dark clouds, and I know what they mean. It is going to rain. Why don’t we pray to Jesus to keep us safe through the rain? Let’s ask Him to protect us during the storm.” This is the beginner level I encourage my seven-year old to aspire to. Face a storm by asking God to help you weather it instead of begging him to take it away.

But there is an advanced level too. Eventually I want Jeremiah to get past beginner level to a more advanced level. I want him to get to the point where he can master his phobia and appreciate the benefits of the storm. This is the level to which I aspire as well. I want to get to the point where I not only ask God to help me weather hardships but where I can actually appreciate the benefits of them. I also want to lessen the amount of time I spend whining about the impending storm, quickly moving through the part where I ask God to protect me, and I want to reside in the place where I can see clearly the good God is bringing through the hardship. That is the expert level to which I am aspiring. Today’s storms reminded and encouraged me, and I hope they did the same for you too.