Free to be me.....

I'm back from the edge of the abyss of exhaustion (I think). Maybe I should never blog at night because by the end of the day I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO wiped out that I just don't have the energy to pull out my cheerleader smile and put a positive spin on things. However, that being said... I do think that last night's, "Woe is me" blog ministered to at least one dear friend. See, she too needs a few fruity drinks delivered by Mr. Vin Diesel. This blog is for you, my friend, and don't forget there are like THREE houses for sale in my neighborhood ;)

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

But You've already won the battle! All this crud we struggle through... it is TOUGH! All this pain we have to endure... it HURTS! Healing and restoration are NO FUN! Sometimes you really feel you are losing every skirmish around you, but do NOT forget: He's already won the battle! He's won it! This stupid stuff we are dealing with seems so all-consuming, but it is but a mist, but a vapor... and what is really important.... what really matters... He already took care of that, and it's a victory for our side!

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

But perfection is my enemy! It's okay that life's not perfect. It's okay that life's hard. Some of us need to give ourselves (and our lives) a break, and realize that perfection is not all it's cracked up to be. Imperfection has it's beauty too. Imperfection is what brings us to Jesus. Without imperfection we don't need Him. I, for one, am SO glad I need Him.

But on Your shoulders I can see.... I'm free to be ME! Climb up on those big shoulders of your Daddy and be FREE! You don't have to walk anymore when you're up on His shoulders. You don't have to climb. You can just be FREE to be yourself... to not worry about falling... to have your load carried.... to be FREE!

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

But things don't always come that easy.... Things don't always go that easy. For some of us they are harder still. This earth we live in is not our home. It is under the dominion of an evil, crafty, vicious enemy. He tries to steal our joy. He tries to kill our hope. He tries to DESTROY us! See he doesn't believe my first point. He doesn't think that God's already won the battle. He thinks there is some slight chance that he can win in the end, and he is NOT going to give up until he has given all he has got to obtain his objective.

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything.... There are days when you feel like, "I am woman hear me roar." Relish those days! Use them to shore yourself up. Bask in the feeling that together you and God can do anything.

Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring.... We all have those gloomy, Eyeore days... Days when we feel like everything is just wrong. Days when we feel like WE are just wrong. On those days, don't forget that the truth never changed. Together you and God can do anything.

But you look at my heart and You tell me that I've got all You seek.... He doesn't want our perfection. He doesn't want our strength. For HIS strength is made perfect in our WEAKNESS. All He wants is a heart that loves Him. Once again, my favorite character in the Bible is David. He has always been my favorite. Wanna know why? Because after ALL he did: adultery, murder.... God STILL calls him a man after His own heart. When it is all said and done that is what really matters.... not the rips in our jeans or the dents in our fenders, BUT a heart that loves God.

So my dear friend.... this one was for you. I feel some of your pain. I've yet to travel the other. But still I know this one truth: if your heart is following after Him that's all that matters.

Cherish those dents in your fender. Relish in those rips in your jeans. They are battle scars that remind you, His grace is sufficient and His power is shown in our weakness.

Love you much! (and don't forget about the houses for sale!)

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will BOAST all the more gladly about my WEAKNESS, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

The other side of the coin

I can't wait for this day to end. Stress has been my constant companion. There were several times today when I wanted to lose my Christian testimony or maybe just my mind, but it was you, my blog readers, who inspired me to keep plugging on. I kept on thinking, "I have to keep going so I can give them a good report."

Just yesterday, just YESTERDAY, I ended my blog:

Wherever you are this morning: at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

And right away today, I had to put my money where my mouth was and live that theory out. It was NOT so easy, but I am happy to say that so far, I've made it.

I awoke for the first time at 3 a.m. when a sleepwalking child invaded my bed, then again at 4 a.m. when a nightmare required some soothing to get a little princess back to sleep and finally at 5 a.m. when it was time to get up and get started with our day.

It wasn't looking good from the moment we pulled out of our garage door. It had snowed... not much, but it doesn't take much to make for treacherous roads out here in Dodge County. We prayed, slipped and struggled our way up Madison Road to Hwy 33, but by the time we reached 41, it was becoming quite evident that we would NOT be on time. We had to drop John at MU instead of going straight to my parents' house (today was one of our days to care for Gramma). After dropping him off safely, the children and Auntie Marge and I continued on our way to Oma and Poppa's house.

Once I walk in the door on the mornings I care for my Gramma, the mania seems to commence IMMEDIATELY. Everyone needs me at once. Four little children dragged from their beds a little too early for them have weathered the one-hour drive and are now awake enough to realize they are HUNGRY. Their noisy clammering tends to wake Gramma who needs a lot of attention first thing in the a.m.: blood sugar needs to be tested, blood pressure needs to be taken, meds need to be administered, breakfast must be made, etc... Somewhere in the middle of all that I attempted to get Hannah a glass of water, I was pushing the lever for the ice dispenser and I could hear something, but nothing was coming out. I thought, "Where in the WORLD is the ice?!?!?!?" I opened the freezer door and was met with the answer: LOUDLY and MESSILY several cups of ice poured out onto the floor answering my query. It was at that exact moment, that I realized I was having the complete opposite of "A beautiful morning...."

In the next few breaths as I swept up and tossed out the ice, I mulled over the choice before me: loose my temper and get frustrated with all this chaos or live out what I had blogged about the day before. A few moments later as I cleaned some dishes the following started pouring out of my soul (and my mouth): "I have decided to follow Jesus. I have decided to follow Jesus." It grew in my belly and was exploding out of me with fervor and emotion. "No turning back! No turning back!" I thought to myself, "From now on, every time that Satan throws these pathetic little darts at me in an attempt to steal my joy, ruin my acts of service, or even cause me to sin, I am going to fight back with THIS song!" I promised myself that I WOULD remember that he wouldn't be attacking me if I weren't doing some good for the kingdom. I purposed in my heart to "count it all joy" and praise Him at the top of my lungs whether it was sunny or stormy in my world.

I wish I could say the day instantly got better. It didn't. There was still a cantakerous 6-year old to deal with, a VERY messed up wireless network adapter in my way, worries about the bills I can still hardly pay, and the continual stress of constantly trying to do more than I should. As we traveled home in the car tonight, I was nearing tears. My exhaustion, the tensions of the day, abundant conflict all around me, threatened to overwhelm me. I sat there with wails building in the back of my throat and started just chanting in my head, "I won't give up. I won't give up." (It was SO very important to me to weather this day and be able to tell all of you I did.) When all of a sudden like an answer STRAIGHT from God, the sun broke through my clouds. K-Love started playing Sing, Sing, Sing by Chris Tomlin. I LOVE that song, and earlier in the day when I first arrived at my parents' house it had come on but I had to get out of the car and start the insanity so I couldn't listen to it. I started singing that song like my life depended on it. I was belting it out. I lifted my hands as I sung, "LIFT HIGH THE PRAISE OF JESUS!" And then I felt it.... the moment when my praise actually ushered in the peace of God.... I literally FELT it.... the children who had been bickering WAY too loudly quieted down and actually heard the song.... Even my Aunt stopped commenting on all she was seeing around her somehow transfixed by the presence of God which had entered the minivan..... I could feel Him all around me.... I could feel Him crowding in and bringing peace with Him.... My spirit settled down and my emotions followed suit. What followed was odd... K-Love seemed to being playing a playlist entitled Jami Lynn Kastner's favorites: Perfect People came on, then a few worship songs I LOVE and finally Free to be Me.... I got a 20 minute retreat into the presence of God and I was GREEDY for it! It refreshed me! It encouraged me! It strengthened me to go on!

Again I wish I could say it made everything better, but it didn't. We arrived home to more lunacy.... putting away all of the Wal-Mart stuff... unpacking the basket from Oma's house... a stack of bills a mile high in the mailbox... trying to get 4 VERY crabby and completely spent children into bed..... the discovery of a towel used to wipe up a milk spill that REALLY should have been washed before we left.... and then traipsing down to my office because I vowed I'd type this blog before bed only to have the cat step on the power strip and shut off my puter.....

But guess what y'all? I did it. It wasn't pretty. But I did it. I stood strong, and it was mostly because of all of you. Because I wanted to be able to say to you at the end of this day, "By the POWER OF GOD alone, I was able to stand strong." I wanted so badly to be able to give you all a good report afterwards. What a vast supply of accountability partners you all served as today! Thank you so much! I hope in return I could encourage you a little with this blog. Hang tight! Don't give up! Try using a little praise to usher in the breakthrough, peace, or just a tiny little oasis of rest from the struggle... but whatever you do remember this:

Wherever you are this morning (evening): at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

Peace out y'all! I am going TO BED! Praise Jesus! (I might have to get a little charismatic over that thought.) Hope you all have a great night and a blessed tomorrow.