Pray without ceasing....

My life has been so stressful lately! Many have expressed concern over the blogs I've been posting. I guess that's the downside to bare naked honesty. Too much is never enough. I try sometimes to keep a few of MY details out, in order to make my writing applicable to more people, but then I seem to muddy the water and arouse suspicion. Idk...

Just this week I told John, my gut was getting sketchy and was telling me to run away from my life as a lesson for awhile, like I did this past summer when the heat was turned up too high. He encouraged me to take a different route this time. Wisely advising, that possibly by standing through the heat God would reveal even more to me.

So here I stand. My yuck displayed (or at least mostly displayed) for all to see. I've really been going through it lately. I can't EXACTLY finger when this most recent plunge into the depths began, but it has been a rough start to 2010, a year I had hoped would be MARKEDLY better than its predecessor 2009, a year which will go down in infamy as the year that nearly destroyed Jami Lynn Kastner.

Since the middle of January, I have been helping the rest of my family to care for my elderly grandmother. This is a labor of love for all of us; however, even when laboring for love you can get depleted. All of us are playing different roles in this play entitled Keep Gma out of a Nursing Home as Long as Humanly Possible. For me it involves traveling to Franklin (a 1-hour drive one way) twice per week and working and homeschooling from my parents' house while caring for Gma. I also prepare dinner (most of the time) for my entire family on those days and try to keep Hannah from destroying my mother's things (not very successful at that one). Caring for Gma is not THAT bad in the grand scheme of things. Her care involves mostly gently cajoling her to do the things she needs to do: teeth brushing, hair brushing and ensuring her meds are taken and vitals are recorded. I do prepare her meals (but big WUP I was doing that for four little ones anyways.... what's adding in one more mouth to prep food for). Most things she is still capable of doing herself. Also, this labor is not without its perks. I am compensated monetarily. We are fed from my parents' pantry two days a week. They have cable, a fact the children RELISH. However, it is still exhausting to take the Crazy Kastner Show on the road two times per week.

Add into the insanity the fact that our washer broke about a month ago. So for that long I have been dragging the laundry of a family of seven to and from Franklin with us twice per week. Again.... there is ALWAYS a silver lining.... my Gma and Auntie Marge fold all my clothes while we are at my parents, but still it is EXCRUCIATING to have this big of a family and have no washer. We are VERY close to hopefully having enough money to replace the beast, but until we do.... on I plod dragging my dirty (and then clean) clothes to and from Mom & Dad's.... being a burden to my parents electric bill and depleting their laundry supplies... and remaining incapable of instantly cleaning up any childlike emergencies (puke, HUGE milk spills which become VERY stinky when stored for 3 or 4 days, other things to delicate for the senses to be posted here).

Oh and that brings up the next little stress to my system. My Great Aunt (also elderly and now incapable of living independently) moved in with us at the beginning of February. In many ways, this is not so bad. She pays us room & board (which is a HUGE help). She LOVES and ADORES the kids and frequently occupies them (especially Hannah who could definitely use 24-hour observation to keep her out of trouble). However, it is still a shock to our system to have a new person in our house. She does require assistance and care, which is a little hard but I keep telling her (because she feels bad and that she is a burden to an already stressed out woman) she changed my diapers when I was a baby... I can do my part and get her a cup of coffee or remind her to take her meds. It is, however, quite "interesting" living with someone who has spent the past five years basically being a hermit. She has REALLY toned down the continual talking about inconsequential things; however, she still reads me EVERY SINGLE street sign we pass when we are in the car. It's like I have a living breathing GPS system sitting next to me. That means that four times a week for one hour each time I have to hear,

"Madison Road. Turning onto Madison Road."

"Hwy 33. We're at Hwy 33."

"Washington County. We're in Washington County now."

"Hwy 41. That's how we get to Milwaukee. Hwy 41."

"Germantown. Already in Germantown."

ALL THE WAY TO AND FROM Franklin! It is interesting to say the least.

The typical Kastner stresses have been heating up too.... John's neck/shoulder muscles have been revolting lately. They seem to get tighter by the day. The other night he walked into the bedroom, and his shoulders were nearly touching his earlobes. The pain and tightness tends to make him a "little" crabby to the point that I'm about ready to make a bed for him on the front porch and start sliding his meals through the screen door. And lack of money... ahhhh lack of money my constant companion..... we are now just $106 away from paying off our van yet last month we had to scrape and struggle to come up with a HUGE amount of back payments to ensure we were allowed to keep the dilapadated beast we just about own. I cannot remember the last time I was able to go to the grocery store and just BUY the things we need. This week I promised the kids that the second I had the full amount budgeted for groceries they could each pick their favorite meal and that week we'd have "Favorites Week" for dinners. They are so sick of having no "snackies" in the house, but yet they still don't tire of pancakes for dinner. PLEASE!!!! No one tell them that this is because pancakes cost just pennies per serving and make a VERY economical dinner. They think I am spoiling them!

Finally, add into this recipe for a breakdown: stress with my work, still adjusting to living in a new community, my oldest entering the "tween" stage and acquiring a rare, but oh so lovely, teenage type attitude, rolling my stinking ankle every time I try to get a little "me-time" by working out, a bum back cuz I'm old & out of shape, my face breaking out like a teenager, having a husband I rarely see cuz he works two jobs, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF!

I've been begging God for answers, solutions, coping strategies, and as always, He "gives generously to all without finding fault" (from James 1:5) I have been getting some answers, and here's the first one.

pray continually; I Thessalonians 5:17

That's the entire verse. I swear it is. If you don't believe me, look it up! It doesn't say, "Pray when you're in trouble." It isn't, "Pray when good things happen." It isn't even, "Pray morning, noon and night." I think that I Thessalonians 5:17 may be the most poignant verse in the whole Bible.... "pray continually;" (emphasis mine)

I looked up continually. Here's what I found:

1 : continuing indefinitely in time without interruption

2 : recurring in steady usually rapid succession

Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession.... Is that how you pray??? I guess I'll have to examine that idea to arrive at my answer to that question.

At first I guess I thought that God was saying to me, "Pray some more, Jami." But the more I looked at it, the more I came to a different conclusion.

If my directive from God's Word is to pray "Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession...." I guess I would have to look at EVERYTHING I do as part of my prayer. I stopped to think: Is my life lived as a prayer to God? Are my words formed as a prayer to God? When I'm talking to my children? Is it language worthy of being before the throne of God? When I'm working? Is it work worthy of being before the throne of God? When I am relaxing? Is it in a manner worthy of being before the throne of God?

This concept is rocking my world. [Quick Sidenote: I absolutely LOVE and ADORE the way God takes a concept we know... one we have known since Sunday School.... one we memorized in AWANA.... one we heard about in Youth Group.... even one we clung to in previous dark days.... and REVOLUTIONIZES its meaning to us so we understand and KNOW it more deeply more completely... the same yet completely different.] This morning it came to fullness in my heart. It had been kinda lurking around in the shadows of busyness for several days and today it stepped out into the light and made itself FULLY known.

pray continually;

So that's the first coping strategy God is giving me.... turn my life into a prayer to Him.... make every word I say.... every action I execute.... a PRAYER TO HIM.... make my inner thoughts and the aroma of my attitude a PRAYER TO HIM.... be CONTINUALLY (Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession....) in prayer.

That's my challenge to you today too....

pray continually;

I've got tons more that God is teaching me through all of this, but today's blog is long enough. You'll have to wait until tomorrow for more. So until tomorrow...

pray continually;

Full moon...

Last night as we drove home from Franklin it was so BRIGHT out! Even though it was nearly 8 p.m. and clouds were covering the full moon, it was so BRIGHT. I marveled over how much a full moon makes a difference out here in the country. At any other time of the lunar cycle if I am standing in my living room looking out my front window, it looks as if I am the only house for miles. But when there is a full moon, it is amazing! I can see ALL the way down to the end of the cul de sac in front of our house! You don't notice these things when you live in the city where streetlights (man's light) crowd out the moonlight (God's light). In the city, the wonder of a full moon passes with hardly any notice. It looks cool up there in the sky, but it doesn't really impact our existence at all. It got me thinking about that concept....

Is God playing the role of full moon in my city-dwelling life? Is He looking cool up there in the sky, but He really isn't impacting my existence at all?

Lately I've been struggling through healing some old hurts. It has been a HORRIBLE week of pain for me. The only thing I can compare it to is having a broken bone that healed improperly re-broken and set properly. It has been excruciating! Yesterday I felt God telling me to write it out, to write it ALL out. In a private place where I don't have to worry about other people telling me what they think about it, I wrote.

It was AWFUL! I hated it! I was NOT eloquent. It was not well-written or engaging. It was bare and raw and UGLY. I cried through much of the writing, and when I was done I felt icky, as if I had just taken a swim through raw sewage. I told John first thing this morning that I must have heard God wrong. That did me no good, and I wasn't going to write my way through any more of it. Then just a few hours ago, it was weird... I started to notice a feeling in my heart that had been missing for a while. I started to feel warmth where there had been numbness. I started to feel hope and love where there had been despair and fear.

God quickly called another medical situation to my mind. After I had Hannah (via c-section) I developed a horrible hematoma (it was about the size of a foot long Subway bun) underneath my incision site. The solution to that situation was the most physically painful thing I have EVER endured.... worse than all four births rolled into one. With no pain medicine administered, my doctor re-opened a small part of my incision and then for what felt like HOURS she "bled" that hematoma. She pressed and pressed and pressed on the pocket of blood until she had drained it all. It was terrible. I remember my nails digging so deeply into the palms of my hands I thought they would draw blood. For weeks after that experience with my doctor, John would have to repeat that process at home to remove the blood that continued to refill that area. Each time was a little less painful and eventually the incision site healed.

I think God called that situation to my mind because that is how this emotional healing will be. Emotionally, I think last night's private journaling was the initial draining of the hematoma. I think the first time was the worst. As I keep journaling, I will continue draining the hematoma, and it will still be painful. But each time will be better and better until full healing comes.

Back to my full moon analogy.... I think this whole week.... painful memories.... reliving traumas... new hurts revealed... last night's painful journaling... has all been a way of God moving me out of the "city" of pain and regret I've been wallowing in, so that I can abide in the country where His truth, healing, and glory don't just look pretty up in the sky but they affect my entire existence. I think that for MONTHS I have been residing in this city where I know that God is there, and I know His truth in my heart (I've know it all since I was a little girl) but because of the streetlights all around me I haven't been able to let the FULL weight of His light affect my landscape. At least that is what I'm hoping this week was, because I am NOT a fan of pain just for the sake of pain :) So I'm going to continue on. It is NOT fun! But some things just HAVE to be done. I'll continue writing in private (sorry even a bare-naked girl like me has to have SOME things which are kept to herself), and I'll keep hoping that God will move me out away from all the streetlights which are crowding out the moonlight.

Sometimes I wanna be a turtle...

Sometimes I just wanna be a turtle. I want to pull my head and arms and legs inside my hard shell when I am scared or under attack. I want to hide away from the cold, cruel, painful world protecting myself from the sting of judgment, the harshness of reality, the pain of loss. I wish I could just crawl away to a corner, retract my appendages and lick my wounds. Yet somehow I don't feel that is what God has called me to.

Trust me I know FULL well the cost of being transparent. I have gleaned the blessings of laying it all there: the constant prayer support, the encouragement, the aid and helpful suggestions. But I have also paid the price of being forthcoming: being judged and criticised, being misunderstood, being ridiculed and looked down upon. Yet in spite of the cost, I remain comitted to the calling of being laid bare before you. In spite of how much the rejection and scorn hurt, I will continue on presenting "My life as a leson.". I will count it joy to be found worthy of the suffering, because it is my life's passion to help others. I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to bring hope to a weary soul.I want to encourage someone who is ready to give up.

So even though it is heating up out there, even though EVERYTHING in me screams, "Retract! Retract!" I refuse to back down. I will continue to let it all hang out. I will continue to share and write and keep giving you "My life as a lesson,".because THAT is God's will for ME in Christ Jesus.

Why oh why do you share as you do???

I share it all (almost). I lay it all out there. The good, the bad, the ugly, almost ALL of it is out there for the world to see. Recently the question arose again, "Why? Why do you do it Jami?" I realized that there are many reasons I do this: to beg for prayer, encouragement, support during a trial; to allow others to witness God's miraculous provisions right along with me; as a catharsis for my soul... there is something so liberating about "getting things off your chest." But recently one reason has risen to the top to reign supreme. It is the BIGGEST reason that I share. I share so that others will know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I, too, know the depths of despair.

As I have walked through the various struggles I have faced in life, the hardest part for me has always been the loneliness of feeling like no one understands and the shame of feeling surely NO ONE else in the world has been this low. As I walked through the valley of the shadow of financial destitution, as I swam through the rapids of the river of betrayal, as I hiked up the side of the mountain of perpetual singleness, as I fought in the battle of the struggle against bulimia, the thing that I hated the most was the isolation... That feeling that surely no one would understand if I told them exactly what I was going through. That feeling that surely I was the only one to have plunged to these depths. The thing that I craved the most was someone to understand... someone to tell me I have been there and I made it through or even I'm there right now and I don't know if I'll make it through.

There is some truth to that old adage: "Misery loves company." On Monday I spent literally the ENTIRE morning on the phone hashing out the specifics of our medical insurance plan with our benefits administrator, clarifying amounts on medical bills received with billing offices, and setting up medical appointments with doctors. It was so mind numbing and time consuming. I mentioned to my mom how RIDICULOUS it is that it takes SO much time to manage your family's health care. She responded with her own tale of woe about trying to manage care for my great aunt in Florida: social workers, attorneys, nurses, etc... Somehow when I picked up the phone the next day to start another round of calls to doctors, nurses, and customer service representatives, I was comforted in knowing there was someone out there, my own mother, who knew EXACTLY what I was going through.... someone who had felt my pain, someone who was standing up under those same pressures.

That is my BIGGEST reason for sharing. I share all the nitty, gritty details.... I share frequently.... and I share just about all of it.... in the hopes that someone out there will hear my underlying message, my REASON for laying it all out there: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Even if your struggles aren't the exact same as mine, whether you have it better than I do or you have it worse than I do.... YOU ARE NOT ALONE! And I am still standing up under these pressures which proves you can too! Do not give up! Stand up with me because YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You are NEVER alone!

I risk the rejection, the possibility that others may judge me and look down on me, the chance that I may be misunderstood.... all for this reason. So I hope you're hearing it from me loud and clear. I hope it pulses in the background as you read the words I write. I hope it echos through your soul in the dark of the night when the worries or recriminations flood in. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Penelope... my new hero

The other night we watched Penelope on Netflix. What a great flick! We watched it at the end of what was a very rough weekend for me. I had been struggling all weekend. I was feeling down and worthless. Just kinda having a bad hair day all weekend. I know people mean well, but it is really stressing me out to hear, "Jami, you've got to take care of yourself too." I know this, but right now I just do NOT have time for that. I am just flying by the seat of my pants around here, trying to make it as best I can. The most recent comment I received was coupled with a reminder of how fat I am and how much I need to lose weight, that "encouragement" to take care of myself nearly put me right over the edge. As if worrying about how to take care of a sick husband, how to pay the bills when he has no income, how to homeschool and work and keep up with the house is not enough.... Now in addition to that I have to worry about the fact that I am fat and I need to take time to lose weight! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

So there we sat Sunday night watching Penelope. (I'm going to try to do this without any spoilers... hope I can make it understandable without them.) The main character is a girl who because of a curse has a pig snout. I was only there just looking for a little escape from reality. I didn't expect to hear a sermon from a movie character sporting a pig snout for a nose. There were two quotes from this movie that ROCKED my world.

1. "I like myself the way I am!" This hit me HARD after spending a whole weekend moping around hating what I see in the mirror, imagining how much better my life would be if I just had the body I had ten years ago. When Penelope the pig-snouted proclaimed, "I like myself the way I am!" something in my heart JUMPED and you know what I realized??? I like MYSELF the way I am too! I like this body! It is strong and hardy. It helped me conceive, carry around, and nourish four healthy babies. It is flexible and not very wrinkly. You know what else? I like more about the "way I am too"... I like that I "lay it all out there." I like being transparent and sharing my worries, needs, wants, victories and defeats. I like that I am ridiculously sensitive and that the troubles of other people frequently drive me to my knees and bring tears to my eyes. I like that I forgive too easily, that I believe the best no matter WHAT, that I take on WAY too much for any mortal to accomplish. "I like myself the way I am!"

2. It's not the power of the curse - it's the power you give the curse. That was definitely one of those "things that make you go hmmmmm" for me. How many of the things we struggle with are struggles because of the power WE GIVE THEM? I know for me much of what I struggle with: insecurities, self-loathing, worries, fears... I GIVE those things the power they hold over me. I make them looming giants. I put myself in bondage to them. It's not the power of the curse - it's the power you give the curse.

So once again I sat down to mindlessly watch a movie with my kiddos and I walked away with some lessons and even a soothing balm to my soul.

Bare Naked Honesty

Bare-Naked Honesty... This is the theme of the current season God is leading me through. I feel He wants me to be bare-naked honest about the things I am going through right now. I am sure there are many reasons that he has called me to this level of exposure, but the two which have been most recently revealed to me are:

1. I have available to me through my family, my church and even Facebook a VAST network of support. Without bare-naked honesty, no one knows how or when to pray for me. Without bare-naked honesty, no one knows how bad things really are. Without bare-naked honesty, no one can reach out and help us.

2. Another reason God wants me to be so open and honest is because of the blessing it is to others. Sometimes others are blessed by being witness to miraculous answers to our prayers, and sometimes they are blessed with hope as I share the depths of the darkness we have walked through and reveal that not once in the past has God EVER let us down.

But as in all things there is a dark and nasty side to all this bare-naked honesty. Imagine it this way for a moment. You are standing in the middle of a huge arena filled with all your friends and family. Some of these who fill this audience are merely acquaintances, your sixth grade teacher or that guy you vaguely remember from college. Others seated in this arena are intimately acquainted with you; they changed your diapers or have been your best friend since the second grade. All these people fill the seats, waiting for what you have to tell them.

You stand in the middle of a full court with cameras projecting your image onto that huge scoreboard screen above, and you drop your robe to stand there in nothing but your birthday suit. Your purpose for this is noble. Your nakedness is not for the mere sake of nakedness. It is for a higher purpose. It is to reveal your needs to others. It is to encourage and even warn
others.

Yet those around you start to point and snicker at the stretch marks that zig zag across your abdomen. They shake their heads and whisper, “That flab around her middle. That is why she is going through this.” Not everyone is laughing or judging. In fact, as you look closer, you see that it is really only a handful. Almost the entire arena has now stopped to bow their heads and pray for you. Yet those few mockers, those few judges, and even those well-meaning ones who like Job’s dear friends are trying to offer advice but are really just pouring more salt in your tender wounds, they are the ones that stand out. Their laughter, finger pointing, even their “friendly advice” seems to drown out all the prayers you hear being offered.

What is a person to do? “Grab your robe and cover up!” That’s the first thing your heart screams. You should have never opened up. You should never have tried this stupid thing called bare-naked honesty. But back in a little corner of your soul, you hear God quietly whisper, “Surely I desire truth in the innermost parts.” “Scream and shout and fight your cause to them!” That’s your brain talking now. It’s telling you to defend yourself, to present the 3-point sermon you devised in your head before you convinced yourself to drop the robe as God commanded. God counters, “Be still and know that I am God.” What does that mean? I am standing here, exposed and vulnerable. “Look up to ME!” thunders the voice in your soul. And finally you get it.

It doesn’t matter how others respond to your bare-naked honesty. It matters that you did what God told you to do. So get your eyes off the crowd. Turn your eyes up to the One to Whom your pleas are directed, to the One Who has the power to redeem you, to the One to Whom all praise and honor and glory are due.

I do not know what season you are currently walking through right now, but I know that no matter what it is that last sentence applies to your situation. It applies to you who are begging God to heal your children. It applies to you who are unsure how you are going to put meals on the table to feed your children. It applies to you who are walking through what very well might be the last days of your life. Turn your eyes up to the One to Whom your pleas are directed, to the One Who has the power to redeem you, to the One to Whom all praise and honor and glory are due.