I made it through...

Yesterday as I was driving Hannah to a follow-up appointment with Dr. Patterson, it came across the wires... Matt Redman "You Never Let Go." That's been the theme song through this recent trial... In fact, it is what I was singing to Hannah as I held her, waiting for her to come out of anesthesia.... And oddly, (well maybe not so oddly) she has been singing it ever since her surgery too. It was a gentle touch from God. A little reminder, that He's there... He's always there.

I started to think about the rest of the soundtrack of my life. See music is so powerful for me, and it seems every season of my life comes with a theme song.  Of course, John & I have a song... I chose songs for each of my babies when they were born. In addition, every tough thing I have gone through has a song that "attaches" to it. It was either a song that "got me through" the season or sometimes a song that came out after the fact that reminds me of the time, but regardless when I hear the song, powerful emotions surge. It is as if I'm transported back in time. I can feel the emotions, feel, wonder, excitement of that season of life as real as if it was just yesterday!

I always mean to burn a mix CD of the songs... problem is life keeps adding more songs to my list :)  Here's a little snippet:

Blessed Be Your Name - when Luke was diagnosed with Leukemia
Praise You in This Storm - financial devastation of 2005
By Your Side - tumultuous summer of 2009
Stronger - John's Brain Surgery
You Never Let Go - Hannah's Eye Surgery

But see yesterday as that song came on the radio, a thought was planted in my soul and this morning it grew into a big grown up concept to blog about.

Here's the thing with all those songs.... Here's the thing with all those seasons... They represent the PAST... I'm through them. A few of those songs still stab me like a hot poker in the gut when I hear them. Some of them bring a warm fuzzy, my God carried me through that feeling. And some of them cause my hackles to rise as I get myself in fighting stance ready to kick the devil's butt for what he tried to take from me. This morning though it occurred to me.... All of those seasons are IN THE PAST.  

I remember that I feared losing my husband... I remember fearing being evicted because we couldn't pay the rent... I remember having the air socked out of my gut with one word, "Leukemia".... I remember the constant dread of lining the bills up against the salaries and ALWAYS coming up WAY short.... I remember the cloak of humiliation I couldn't seem to shake because of the financial troubles we were struggling under.... I remember telling God time and time again that SURELY His bookkeeper had lost track and Jami Lynn Kastner was getting HER share of struggles and someone else's too....  Mostly I remember feeling that SURELY this would be the one thing to "do me in"..... SURELY I would NOT make it through THIS struggle... this battle for my life, heart and soul... But guess what everyone??? I did.  I made it through. Sometimes it wasn't pretty. Sometimes I could have stood taller. Sometimes I should have trusted more or held it together longer, BUT regardless I MADE IT THROUGH!

Someone out there needs to hear this today!  You are facing one of those bloody knuckle, gripping for dear life, I canNOT do THIS one more second situations! You feel at the end of your rope, strength depleted, can't see two feet in front of you, hope tank on E. But I'm here to tell you, "HANG ON!" You will make it through. And when you're at the end of your rope... when you have NOTHING left... when you are empty... you are in the PERFECT place for Him to work.

One day in the not too distant future, maybe you too will have a song that triggers memories of this time, this season in life. Your gut may knot up in remembrance. Your heart may surge a little. But then you will STOP and realize, "I MADE IT THROUGH!"  Please hang on.  Please stand strong. You WILL make it through!

A word of encouragement from the past...

I submitted queries to 3 different literary agents today. I decided to then get started cleaning up some more of my manuscript. In doing that I stumbled upon this blog. It took my breath away because it is as if August of 2006 Jami is speaking DIRECTLY to July of 2009 Jami. For those of you who know the details of today's disappointment, I think it will take your breath away too. I hope it ministers to you, wherever you are at today as much as it ministered to me.


written on August 2, 2006...

You know people CONSTANTLY say to me, "I don't know how you do it Jami." They're referring to the fact that I have four children (who are beautiful and sweet, but AMAZINGLY "precocious"), I work 20 - 30 hours per week from my home (while watching said children), I coach the (amazing and incredibly talented) FHS cheerleaders, and I teach fitness classes. I always tell them that I just love my life, and I love to keep busy. The truth is I love everything in my life so much: my husband, my children, my cheerleaders, cheerleading itself, working out, that I'd rather work myself into the ground than give any of it up. However, the past two weeks or so, I myself have been thinking, "I don't know how you do it Jami."

I am so past exhausted! Having all four of the kiddos at home is just killing me. If I leave them upstairs so I can get in some work, they just get into trouble. A few weeks ago Noah used up all of my Victoria's Secret body spray. I asked him what he used it for, "knockout gas" was the answer. He was playing Splinter Cell and the sprays were his knockout gas. So while I really don't like to wish time away, I am ANXIOUSLY anticipating the beginning of school this year.

Not only that but summer is just SUCH a crazy time. I think we've had only two weekends this whole summer when we didn't have something planned: weddings, graduations, cheer camps, family reunions, class reunions, church picnics.....our summer has been FULL.

Add to it the fact that I have a newborn; however, in all honesty she is the LEAST of my problems. Hannah is SERIOUSLY and HONESTLY the best baby in the world. For the past three and a half weeks, she has been sleeping through the night. She sleeps about 10 hours EVERY night! She's an absolute dream. I figure though that with all the broken toilets, perfume used as knockout gas, bald spots cut in hair, and urinating in places that are NOT the toilet, I deserve at least one easy one right now. There are short skirts and midriff-baring tops that she will undoubtedly torture me with later, so I'm glorying in the angelic season of her life now. I digress....so the point of this is I'm barely making it.

I'm at the end of myself, but gratefully I'm finding that, as in all things, in the midst of my self-induced insanity, God's Grace is enough to see me through. Right now that is all that's getting me through. That and the knowledge that before I know it we'll be in the throes of fall. Summer's craziness will have given way to my FAVORITE season: it will be time for cool, crisp air, sweaters, trips to the apple orchard, new school outfits and lunchboxes, football games, and pumpkins....they are all on the horizon. So if I can just hold on a little longer. If I can just make it through the sweltering heat, a class and a family reunion, if I can just keep the boys from burning down the house, I will make it to the promised land - FALL.

Now I know this is getting kinda long, but I can't end without a plug for my amazing Lord and Savior...this is true of all of life. I know things get tough. Life can really suck at times. But if we can just make it through the heartbreaks of this life, through the broken marriages, Leukemia, financial hardships, and other tragedies, we will make it to the promised land – HEAVEN! Where we'll be done crying and hurting and wailing. There will be nothing but joy, peace, and praising our Lord and Savior.

So hang on if your life is tough. Mine is too right now. Take the time today to thank God for the joy in your life...there is always some joy, even if it's hard to find. Mine isn't hard to find at all...in spite of my troubles and strain I am filled to capacity with joyful things: John, Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah, Hannah, Amanda, Amber, Alex, my mom, my dad, Jodi, Cori, Seth, Shawn, Alyssa, Luke, Savana, Grammas Hilly and Haugh, Shannon, Christina, Tracey, Nicole, Angie, Danielle, Megan, Whitney, Marki, Kayla, Cassie, Brittany, Vicky, Carol, Theresa, everyone of my myspace friends, all of my former middle schoolers, my amazing church, my God-filled pastor, my Jesus, my Jesus, my Jesus. Then after you thank Him, just hang on through your troubles, because before we know it, this hard world will be behind us and we'll be walking the streets of gold, praising our Savior for all eternity.

A Psalm for my Sister

Today is the four year anniversary of the day my nephew Luke Hentzell was diagnosed with Leukemia, and on Tuesday, he goes to the hospital for a spinal tap to ensure the headaches he has been suffering from lately are not a result of a relapse of the Leukemia. As you can imagine my sister (actually our whole family), is clinging desperately to Jesus and trying hard not to walk down the road of what ifs.

I wrote the following in a blog about a year and a half ago for my sister Jodi. I actually hardly remember the specifics of what Luke was struggling through at that time. I just thought now might be an appropriate time to regurgitate this Psalm.

Psalm 77 for Jodi Hentzell

I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, when my baby was weak, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands to wipe his sweaty brow,
to hold his aching body,
to force medicine down his throat to stop the headaches
and my soul refused to be comforted.
I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused and my spirit grew faint. Selah.
You kept my eyes from closing; you kept my knees from giving out;
I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about former days, the years of long ago;
I remembered his soft baby face at my breast....cancer a faint paranoia
I really never entertained.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
Will the Lord reject Luke forever?
Will He never show His favor to Luke again?
Has His unfailing love vanished forever?
Has His promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful to this tiny little boy?
Has He withheld His compassion? Selah.
Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High."
I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember Your miracles of long ago;
I will meditate on all Your works and consider all Your mighty deeds.
Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the people.
You removed his cancer;
You gave wisdom to create chemotherapy;
You heal the sick!
With Your mighty arm You have brought this boy, this family
through 2 ½ long years of chemotherapy.
The cancer saw You, O God,
the cancer saw You and fled, every last cell fled!
Your people poured down kindness,
our lives resounded with their helpfulness,
their prayers flashed back and forth.
Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
Your voice came through the hospital stays;
Your lightning lit up the world; that child's smile still lights up this pain;
my heart trembled and quaked.
Your path led through the chemo,
Your way through many spinal taps...
You've led this family like a flock by the hand of your grace and mercy.

After you read this, please take a second to pray for Luke. Please pray that NO signs of Leukemia will be found in his spinal fluid on Tuesday. Please pray for my sister Jodi and her husband Shawn. Please pray that our God will hold them FIRMLY in his grasp. Pray that next Tuesday we will mark a brand-new anniversary, April 21, 2009, the date that Luke defeated that nasty word: relapse.

Gossip Girl

For two days now, I have been struggling with writer’s block. It is not because I have nothing to write about, but because I do not want to write about what God put on my heart. I keep shying away from it because I do not want to tackle the issue, partially because I do not want to sound preachy, but mostly because if I write about it, I will have to think about it, and if I think about it, I will have to make oh so many changes.

Gossip, hearsay, idle talk, defamation, slander.... I have often been the victim and the perpetrator of this vicious crime. As a very sensitive person, it crushes me to know others are talking about me, judging me, spreading stories about me, and as a very sinful person, I turn right around and do the same thing to others. Recently, I was an outside party looking in on gossip, and for some reason that situation has been resonating through my brain, my heart and my soul, calling me to form an opinion and take a stand. Here’s kind of how it went down:

Standing apart from the group, minding my own business, I heard the discussion begin.
“I don’t know how she can justify being involved with a married man!” They were talking about a woman who had just left the group.
“Well, she says he’s in the process of a divorce,” someone inserted in the woman’s defense.
“I am in a Bible study with his wife, and she just said the other day, they were working to save their marriage,” another voice chimed in.
I sat there apart from them trying to block out their voices. Just overhearing those little snippets of their conversation made me feel icky, dirty, sad.

Since I was in junior high I think, I have struggled with this concept. Where do you draw the line when talking about other people? Sharing the miracle of my nephew surviving Leukemia is not gossip, but what about asking others to pray for my grandfather who is drinking and gambling again? I do not claim to be an expert on what is right, but I do want to search hard to find answers. So I consulted my pastor, and his answer really got me thinking. He said, “Jesus said, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’” Hmmmm…. Good point! When I am about to talk, I need to stop and think, “Would I want someone saying this about me?”

But have you ever been in this place? Someone says or does something that just DRIVES YOU UP A WALL! You are irritated beyond words and struggling to process the situation by yourself. So you tell your BFF. You share the details. You spew your venom, anger, frustration in the name of “venting” and think it is fine. I am not giving this example as an uninvolved party. This is actually where I gossip the most. I think it is just fine to spew out my feelings about a situation to John or Christina or Cori because I need to process it, because I need to come to grip with my feelings. Guess what? I do NOT see that Biblically mandated. I do not recall ever reading where God says it is okay. I read, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8) I find, “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body.” (James 3:6) Finally, I see, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” (Matthew 7:1) But I have yet to find, “When someone REALLY ticks you off, spew anger, venom and hateful words about them; rehash the situation over and over and over again until you feel better about it.” Yeah that one I am not finding in my Bible.

Here’s what I did when I overheard that conversation (which by the way has been COMPLETELY altered to protect the guilty and innocent alike). First I sinned. I immediately went to John and told him all about it.

“Ah!” I agonized, “Why do people have to talk about others!”
“Grr!” I growled, “it makes me SO mad!”
All of a sudden that little voice chimed in. You know the one, that little voice in your head. I am sure you have heard it once or twice too.
My voice said, “Ahem… Jami… what are you doing right now? Ummmm…. Aren’t you talking about people right now? Aren’t you even sitting in judgment of those same people?”
I didn’t even try to defend myself. I realized that God let me hear that teeny tiny “speck in my neighbor’s eye” so I could recognize the HUMONGOUS plank sticking out of mine!

What to do? What to do? Now that I realized that I was sinning how was I going to stop? It is so HARD to hear that small voice in your head when you are angry or worked up about something! So what was I to do in order to get control of this sinful behavior?

Here’s what I did. I went to the best little consciences I know: my children. They hear nearly everything I say, as I rarely remember to censor what I am saying for their benefit. So I said to them, “Guys Momma has a problem with talking bad about people. Have you ever heard Momma talking bad about someone?” Noah immediately piped up with the exact one I was feeling most guilty about. “Yes, Noah that’s a perfect example! Momma does say bad things about that person when she is aggravated.” I then explained to the kids that God doesn’t want us to talk bad about others and that I needed their help. I asked them if they overheard me talking bad about someone to simply say to me, “Momma, should you be talking about that?”

I’ve yet to experience the conviction from one of my children on this issue, but I am sure it will come. I know myself, a filthy rotten sinner. I am sure that I will do it again, and probably soon. I also know my children. They are so good at innocently stating the obvious without any tact at all like, “Hey Mom, your tummy looks like you are growing a baby again.” So I am hopeful that between the little voice in my head and the little people running around my feet, I will become more aware of when I am falling into this trap of sin. Because as stated in a previous blog, when I see something wrong around me, I need to “Be the change I want to see.” I am the only one in this WHOLE world who I have the power to change. So I am going to work hard to change that one person, ME, and hope that eventually it spreads to others around me.

I apologize. I do not feel like this blog is very pithy or well-written. I let the message fester inside of me so long that I feel like it came out as a bit of a jumbled mess. In the future, I have to work to stop being so stubborn. But alas, that is an entirely different blog.