I made it through...

Yesterday as I was driving Hannah to a follow-up appointment with Dr. Patterson, it came across the wires... Matt Redman "You Never Let Go." That's been the theme song through this recent trial... In fact, it is what I was singing to Hannah as I held her, waiting for her to come out of anesthesia.... And oddly, (well maybe not so oddly) she has been singing it ever since her surgery too. It was a gentle touch from God. A little reminder, that He's there... He's always there.

I started to think about the rest of the soundtrack of my life. See music is so powerful for me, and it seems every season of my life comes with a theme song.  Of course, John & I have a song... I chose songs for each of my babies when they were born. In addition, every tough thing I have gone through has a song that "attaches" to it. It was either a song that "got me through" the season or sometimes a song that came out after the fact that reminds me of the time, but regardless when I hear the song, powerful emotions surge. It is as if I'm transported back in time. I can feel the emotions, feel, wonder, excitement of that season of life as real as if it was just yesterday!

I always mean to burn a mix CD of the songs... problem is life keeps adding more songs to my list :)  Here's a little snippet:

Blessed Be Your Name - when Luke was diagnosed with Leukemia
Praise You in This Storm - financial devastation of 2005
By Your Side - tumultuous summer of 2009
Stronger - John's Brain Surgery
You Never Let Go - Hannah's Eye Surgery

But see yesterday as that song came on the radio, a thought was planted in my soul and this morning it grew into a big grown up concept to blog about.

Here's the thing with all those songs.... Here's the thing with all those seasons... They represent the PAST... I'm through them. A few of those songs still stab me like a hot poker in the gut when I hear them. Some of them bring a warm fuzzy, my God carried me through that feeling. And some of them cause my hackles to rise as I get myself in fighting stance ready to kick the devil's butt for what he tried to take from me. This morning though it occurred to me.... All of those seasons are IN THE PAST.  

I remember that I feared losing my husband... I remember fearing being evicted because we couldn't pay the rent... I remember having the air socked out of my gut with one word, "Leukemia".... I remember the constant dread of lining the bills up against the salaries and ALWAYS coming up WAY short.... I remember the cloak of humiliation I couldn't seem to shake because of the financial troubles we were struggling under.... I remember telling God time and time again that SURELY His bookkeeper had lost track and Jami Lynn Kastner was getting HER share of struggles and someone else's too....  Mostly I remember feeling that SURELY this would be the one thing to "do me in"..... SURELY I would NOT make it through THIS struggle... this battle for my life, heart and soul... But guess what everyone??? I did.  I made it through. Sometimes it wasn't pretty. Sometimes I could have stood taller. Sometimes I should have trusted more or held it together longer, BUT regardless I MADE IT THROUGH!

Someone out there needs to hear this today!  You are facing one of those bloody knuckle, gripping for dear life, I canNOT do THIS one more second situations! You feel at the end of your rope, strength depleted, can't see two feet in front of you, hope tank on E. But I'm here to tell you, "HANG ON!" You will make it through. And when you're at the end of your rope... when you have NOTHING left... when you are empty... you are in the PERFECT place for Him to work.

One day in the not too distant future, maybe you too will have a song that triggers memories of this time, this season in life. Your gut may knot up in remembrance. Your heart may surge a little. But then you will STOP and realize, "I MADE IT THROUGH!"  Please hang on.  Please stand strong. You WILL make it through!

Thank you Jesus for this truck [car] (part 3)

It has been a long week full of ups and downs for the Kastners. On Monday, I used my grocery money to pay the tax/title/license fees on the new truck. On Tuesday said truck died. We fought hard all week to cling to our hope and not get discouraged.

At one point, John said to me, “Babe, God came to Satan and said, ‘See John & Jami. See how they are praising me for that little piece of junk truck.’ Satan said, ‘Sure they are praising you for that truck. You gave them what they wanted. See what they do if you let me take that truck away.’” Well, as discouraged, confused and even angry as we were, we REFUSED to stop praising Him this week. We were NOT about to give Satan even a tiny victory.

The news of a miracle coming our way came right away Tuesday night. We started praying but did not want to broadcast it until it came to pass. Last night it came to fruition. Our Pastor and his wife have been looking for a new vehicle. On Tuesday they both came to the same conclusion at the same moment, God wanted them to give their old vehicle to us. The fact that they both had the idea at the same time was confirmation enough for them, but the fact that the vehicle had been given to them many years earlier when they were in need just sweetened the deal. They felt it was the legacy of this car to be given again to a family in need.

Last night when we went to pick up their old Buick LeSabre, they apologized over and over for the car. “It doesn’t have any automatic locks or windows. There are some scratches and the paint is peeling. We just hope it will last you for awhile.” I was thinking, “Are these beautiful, generous people seriously apologizing to us for the condition of the FREE car they are giving us?”

So it seems in 7 days God has taken us full circle: answered our prayers with a truck which was taken away only to receive a completely free secondary form of transportation. During that seven day cycle, I have learned A LOT. So here goes.

1. …if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously…. Romans 12:8

My Pastor is a very eloquent man. God speaks through Him on a regular basis and in mighty ways. Yet some of the lessons I have learned the best from him have been through watching him model what the Bible says. This was one of those times. I watched he and his wife live out this verse in real life, and I took notes. I vowed that no matter how desperate our situation gives, we will keep on contributing to the needs of others. We will keep on giving generously of our time, of our love, of our home, of our food. No matter WHAT the Kastners will follow this example and strive to continue to live out this verse.

2. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9

Throughout the past few days, I have over and over again had to come to grips with the fact that we may never “know why.” We prayed and prayed and prayed about the decision to get this specific truck. We did homework. We test drove. We were as careful as you can be when you are looking to buy a piece of junk. Yet still the truck died just four days after we got it. We may never be able to answer the question of why on this one. We just have to trust that whether we find out why or not, we KNOW that His ways are best.

3. Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. Philippians 1:12

On Tuesday after I blogged about the truck dying, I received an e-mail from a friend. She had received a letter telling her she was being offered the job she wanted. The next day she received notice that she was supposed to have received a rejection letter but the wrong letter was sent to her. She said my blog inspired her to not to give up. If she is the only person who was encouraged through our suffering, it is worthwhile. If others are pointed towards Jesus, given the hope to go one, encouraged to greater heights of faith, that makes what we are going through worth it.

So here I am at the close of a topsy turvy week. I am praising God for his miraculous provision. I am so grateful for the generosity of His people. But let me end this blog like I ended the last. Don’t you dare think for one second that I am any more safe and secure in my Father’s arms today than I was four days ago. This has been a difficult week, but through it all I have rested safe and secure in my Father’s arms.

This week has reminded me a lot of one of my favorite songs, Blessed be Your Name. This week I have FELT this chorus DEEPLY: You give and take away. You give and take away. And through the whole entire thing, I can very honestly tell you that I did follow through with the end of the chorus: My heart will CHOOSE to say. Lord blessed be Your name. So now this Saturday I say: Thank you Jesus for this little old Buick LeSabre and the legacy of generosity it represents.