When dreams come true...

My pulse quickened and my head swam a little when I read her e-mail, “Thanks for applying at Examiner.com. We have reviewed your information and believe you would make an excellent Milwaukee Family Activities Examiner.” What?!?! I got it?!?! Confirmation of my first official writing gig made my spirit jump with excitement. I just knew! JUST KNEW! that this was the start of something big for me!

But as I stand here on the threshold of one of my dreams becoming reality, I have to pause and ask myself, “Is God any more God right now when I am ecstatic and having my dream fulfilled than He was when I was suffering and afraid?” I believe God wants me to examine this thought today. Why is it that I approach dream fulfillment so differently than I approach trials and tribulations?

Trials and tribulations drive me straight to my knees. In fact, before I even process what the hard situation is, it seems I am before His throne, petitioning Him. Yet when I got that e-mail, I shot up a quick prayer of thanks and then got busy with the fun stuff: creating my bio, choosing a picture, filling out my I-9. Even as I am typing this I am feeling God’s conviction raining down on me, “Don’t rush about in the excitement of this moment and forget to thank the One who gave you this moment! Don’t forget to praise Him! Don’t give Him just a cursory thank you and move along!” I need to remember to slow down and fall to my knees! I need to praise and thank Him. I need to PRAY!

When trials and tribulations come my way one thing I always struggle with is Why God? Why? Why is this happening? Yet for some reason when dreams are being fulfilled I do not wonder why. But guess what? There is a reason for this dream being fulfilled just as surely as there is a reason for my suffering. God has a purpose for me becoming a Milwaukee Family Activities Examiner, just as much as He had a purpose for us struggling through how to pay our electric bill last month. So when faced with the fulfillment of my dreams, maybe I need to wonder Why God? Why? Why is this happening? Maybe I need to ask God to reveal what He wants to do through this opportunity so that I do not miss out on any of the blessings He wants to bring through it.

The final thing I do when trials and tribulations come my way is “gird up my loins” and get to work on the hard stuff. I need to remember too that dreams aren’t just blissfully floating along on puffy white clouds. The fulfillment of a dream involves hard work, blood, sweat, and tears. One of my fears as I take on this new writing gig is that this blog will suffer. It is going to take a lot of hard work to continue juggling the balls I normally have in the air (work, family, homeschooling, youth group) and add in these new writing balls too. However, nothing worthwhile comes easily. So I need to gird up my loins and get to work on it!

Whether you are facing the fulfillment of a dream or struggling through trials and tribulations today, I think your strategy should be the same: fall to your knees, ask God why, and then gird up your loins. I know that’s what I’m going to do.

I will trust in You

Lauren Daigle.... SO young but SO wise.  The words that pour out of her MAKE A DIFFERENCE in my life.  There have been MANY days when her song Trust in You has been my lifeline... my angry retort to Satan's jabs... my SCREAMING pledge to my God. I.Love.This.Song. I woke up singing it... so I figured I'd blog about it. 

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet

Have you ever had to lay your dreams at His feet? Your dreams of healing... your dreams of rescue... your dreams of restoration... it is GUT-WRENCHINGLY hard.  When I hear this lyric I think of Abraham lying Isaac on the altar.  Having traveled all the way up the mountain I'm sure all the way thinking and praying "SURELY God you will rescue me from this,  right???" Still having to place him on the altar... even grabbing his knife... before God said "STOP!" I know... I know... I know.... my dreams are safer at God's feet than they are in my hands.... but letting go of them is so hard. Lying them on the altar... picking up my knife... Oh Lord! rescue me instead!

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face You're by my side

But see He is the King of every fight I am in. He holds my future.  He controls the outcome.  Even in loss... huge soul-shaking defeat... even in death... He has this fight in His hands. And NO MATTER what I face... the terrible... the joyful... the unimaginable... HE.IS.BY.MY.SIDE!

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

Ahhhhh... but here's the crux of it all... here's the meat of this song... see sometimes He doesn't move the mountain in front of us... sometimes He doesn't part the waters... sometimes the answers He gives are as bitter as gall.. confusing... hard to fathom... (His ways are not like our ways)... that is when we come to the choice... that is when we show our true colors... will we trust? can we POSSIBLY trust? Can we trust Him when we don't get our way?

Truth is you know what tomorrow brings
There's not a day ahead you have not seen

See He knew this day was coming.  He knew this answer would be handed down.  There is not one second ahead of you that He doesn't already know.  He HASN'T lost control! He HASN'T deserted you! He isn't sitting up in Heaven throwing up His holy hands and saying,  "Wow! I didn't see that one coming!" He saw this!  He knew this!  And He is still working!

I want what you want Lord and nothing less

I do want what you want, Lord. I may not always appear to want it.  Sometimes I might sing this part with tears and snot coursing down my face.  Sometimes it might come out sounding like a petulant 3-year old who still wants her way. Sometimes I do not LIKE what you want.  But I will always WANT what you want.

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
Psalm 20:7 NIV

The darkness

Do you ever just stop... and look around... and wonder.... what is this landscape? This darkness all around me? Whose life is this? Why doesn't it match the dreams I had in my head? 

That dissonance.... that discrepancy.... this perfectionist's very SOUL screams out for HARMONY! CONTINUITY! PEACE.... between the dreams I held for myself and this thing called life. 

I'm a bit densely constructed... it takes just a smidge to get through to me... but I'm starting to see... that dissonace...  it's actually poignant.... I'm not meant to love this life. I'm not meant to fit in this scene. These unfulfilled dreams... these disappointments... the life that just doesn't match what I'd imagined... they serve a real and righteous purpose.

They point me to God. They make me long for my heavenly home. They force me to THROW myself at His feet screaming, "God I can't do this alone!!!"

So weary traveler take heart... that paltry bank account... those lonely nights... that tragically MESSED UP situation you can hardly make heads or tails of.... it's serving a purpose. Lean into it. Let it show you how big your God is. Let it take you to His feet. Let it exponentially surge your desire to be with Him... right now in prayer and forevermore in Heaven. Don't fear that darkness.... let it lead you to His light. 

There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

Revelation 22:5 

An ode to my amazing husband....

 First a tiny little marriage moment for everyone: In the Love Dare, it talks about how your heart has two rooms for your spouse

1. the appreciation room: the place where you store all the great, loving, romantic things your spouse has done... such as remembering your birthday, bringing you flowers just because, taking care of you when you were sick

2. the depreciation room: the place where you store the memories of the icky things they have done... forgeting a special anniversary, hateful words said in the heat of an argument, etc...

The book encourages spouses to flee the depreciation room whenever they find themselves in there rehashing all the horrible things ever done and to spend as much time in the appreciation room as possible.

So this morning I found myself standing in the appreciation room admiring many things about my husband, and I thought.... "hmmm...I should proclaim some of these things from the mountain top... what an awesome way to let my husband know all the great things I'm thinking about him then to post them for all of creation to read." So here goes.....

This morning my husband arose at 6:15 a.m. He is a bit under the weather and is fighting off some sort of bug, but still he dragged himself into his work clothes and departed the house only a few minutes late to head off to job number one. He will work his full shift there and then draf himself off to job number two to work another eight hour shift. During the weeks that he feels healthy, he usually makes it until about Wednesday before feeling as if he can't wait until the weekend, but this week he is already there. But still on he goes trudging off to work to provide for his family in spite of how grueling it is.

I have a hard time explaining how incredibly loved this makes me feel. He is exhausted. He misses us. He gets absolutely NO down time during the week and only 5 hours of sleep each weeknight, and he willingly does all of this because he loves us. It is a rare thing to be loved so extravagantly. I am so proud of him and so grateful that my children have a father who is modeling for them responsibility and a strong work ethic.

Sooooo I just came up with an idea.... it is a challenge to everyone on my facebook list who has a spouse.... you know those 25 things lists circulating.... I challenge you to do this: make a list of 25 things about your spouse that you appreciate.... post it here on facebook for all to read... tag your spouse and a bunch of your friends who have spouses.... if you get tagged DO IT! I bet it will make your spouses day!


25 things I appreciate about John J. Kastner
1. he is the hardest working man I have ever in my life known
2. no matter how destitute we are, he will still give the shirt off his back to help someone else out
3. he loves Jesus with all of his heart, soul, mind and body
4. he loves me so extravagantly....if he has only $10 left for 2 weeks and I want chips & salsa, he will go and spend that last $10 on me without even batting an eye
5. he is fiercely loyal
6. he loves his children and will do anything for them
7. he is very straightforward...you ALWAYS know exactly where you stand with him
8. inspite of the crusty exterior shell, he is nothing but a big softy underneath
9. he relates VERY well to teenagers....loving them no matter what their faults and holding them accountable no matter how difficult that might be
10. he is a big child always playing, joking, and having fun
11. he shouts AMEN in church when the sermon is good even though right now our church is ridiculously quiet and passive... he doesn't care if it speaks to him, if it deserves an AMEN he's gonna shout it no matter how dead and quiet the sanctuary is
12. he dreams BIG dreams and believes GREAT things of God (and me)
13. he thinks I'm HOT even though one can hardly find the normal person I used to be inside this fat girl body
14. he could beat the crap out of anyone he came in contact with....this makes me feel VERY safe...
15. he is really HOT (for his age...right Amanda?)
16. he pays attention to the little comments I make and then turns those into nice things to do for me....if I say hmmm I've always LOVED Faith Hill.... before I know it he'll surprise me with her new CD.
17. he is my ROCK in times of chaos.... when the kids split their head open or knock a tooth crooked.... he is ever calm and he knows IMMEDIATELY if we should rush to the hospital or take care of it ourselves
18. he is tough, tough, tough but not afraid to be sensitive too
19. he puts up with all my crazy fears and worries
20. he is FIERCLY jealous....that makes me feel valuable to him
21. he sacrificed his truck and his car in order to cut costs
22. he ALWAYS wears socks.... I just think this quirky thing is adorable
23. he "cleans up" real nice
24. he is an AWESOME griller....everything he puts on our Weber is DELECTABLE!
25. he is teaching our boys to be gentlemen (I don't care if this ticks off any feminists out there.... I LOVE it!)

On divine appointments....

After a night of haunting dreams, I got John off to work and then stumbled down to my office with my third cup o' joe in my hand. I was intent on my goal of getting a blog posted before starting my Saturday morning chores. I finished my blog but was still feeling weary so I decided to go blog stalking.

Earlier this week I had decided to start more actively browsing on Blogger in an attempt to get more exposure by visiting, commenting on, and following other people's blogs. I thought if I expand my network on this site I will become more visible. More visibility will hopefully translate into more traffic at this site. See I still hope the right person is just going to stumble upon my blog and decide I am publishable.

So blog stalking I went. I don't even remember how I found her page, but within the first ten words, I just KNEW her story would be my story. As I read on towards confirmation of my hunch, anticipation was HEAVY in my belly. I felt my stomach knotting up as each word neared me to the culmination of my suspicions. Then it was right there in front of my eyes, and the sobs catapulted from my heart. I felt an instant connection to this complete stranger for she had suffered through the EXACT same thing I had. I marveled at the coincidence of stunbling upon the exact blog which would soothe the aches lingering from my night of dreams. But I only marveled for a moment before I realized that there was no "stumbling" about it. I had found this very blog, this specific blog, because God knew I needed it.

Do you ever wonder about divine appointments? I do. I imagine it like a surprise party. God orchestrates every detail without my knowledge. Then He lies in wait. I unknowingly enter the room and have my breath taken away by the shock of that first, "SURPRISE!" As I start to mingle about, I marvel at the details which were considered during the planning of the surprise. (He thought to invite that person. He took the time to blow up a picture of that memory. He remembered to get my favorite appetizers and beverages.) In the days following the party, things begin to make sense to me. (Ah.... that's why my address book went missing last month. Oh... now I get why errands on a Thursday. Mhmm... that explains the random call from my Great Aunt Pearl.) In the aftermath, I think time and time again, "Wow! I am SO loved! I can't believe God went to all that trouble just to give ME a divine appointment."

I'm praying that each of you has a divine appointment this week. I'm praying that God will take your breath away with a big "SURPRISE!" As you mingle about through your divine appointment, I pray you will recognize and acknowledge the details He worked out. Then as it all starts to make sense to you, I pray that you will think, "Wow! I am SO loved!"

God bless, and have a GREAT week!

Flashback Friday: When dreams come true....

This is what's on my heart today:

When dreams come true....

Worship Wednesday: Lead Me

Guest blogger:  John J. Kastner

Blogger’s Intro:  [Yes!  I got permission before posting this!]

Last week I received the following in an e-mail from my hubby.  I told him I was going to post it at my blog.  I think he thought I was kidding, but I was not.  I think this e-mail will minister to someone’s heart, but I also wanted to share it with you because I wanted to show a little of his heart here on my blog because I find the heart of John J. Kastner to be a precious place to enter, and I feel honored to be allowed into it. 

Hope you enjoy!

Jami

Jami,

I’m not a blogger.  Most times, I don’t know where a sentence should start or end.  I hear things like, "Spell check makes things so much easier!" but when I spell words and click spell check that super computer with every possible word combo for every possible word just stares back at me with a dumbfounded look on the screen as if to say, "WHAT??? the heck are you trying to spell here???"

But I did feel God telling me this fine, sunny, blistering hot morning to write this down... to put this in words before the busyness of the day consumes me, and my thoughts on this fade away.  There is a song... don’t know if it’s new or old.  Can’t say with 100% certainty why, but it did three things for me this morning:

1. Brought this 245lb., 100%, real man to tears.  I’m not talking about eyes watery.  I’m talking about full- blown, saltwater running down my face, TEARS.

2. Brought clarity to how blessed I am because of you and the fact that you love me in spite of all my faults 

3. Showed me no matter how hard I work, or how much I work, that’s not all you're looking for in your mate. (I’m sorry I’m not always there for you the way you need me to be.  I am most often there for you the way I feel I should instead of the way you need.)

4. Showed me that I fall short of my wife, children, and family's needs way too much on a daily basis. 

I know that I know that turning on a dime is an unobtainable goal, but I will say that from now on in every situation, I will do my best to hear this song in my heart and act in a Godly, husbandly and fatherly way.

The song is by Sanctus Real.  Here are the words.  You'll have to google the music.

WITH ALL MY HEART I LOVE YOU ALL, AND I’M AM TRULY SORRY FOR THE MAN I AM TODAY.  I LOOK FORWARD TO THE MAN I’LL BE TOMORROW.

Love,

John

Lead Me

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”


I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...


“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”


So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way


To lead them
Won't You lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up


I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone


Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

A hope and a future

Declan Fisher,

I can't believe it's already been a year!  But at the same time I can't even remember a life without you in it. 

We all know what a miracle you are. The story's been told far and wide.... your momma was not supposed to be able to have babies... losing your sibling just a few months prior gutted her and left her battered... then came you.  Beautiful,  smart,  PERFECT you! 

You are the answer to her tearful prayers. You fill her arms and her heart. But dear Declan you are a miracle to me too.

See this last year life has been TERRIBLE, more painful than any other I've endured. Hope has been HARD to find. Miracles have not yet come. So often this past 12 months I have been at the depths of despair and there has been you.  Your baby soft sweetness... your blond newness... This past year,  I would feel hopelessness CRUSHING my soul, and then I would remember your momma sobbing, from the depths of her soul ACHING because she would never know what it felt like to be a mom. And now here. you. are. Miraculously,  amazingly,  incredibly you.  are.  here.  When you shouldn't have been.... when doctors said you couldn't have been... YOU. ARE. HERE. and at the depths of my worst pain I would think.... God did this.  God brought Declan to Cori. He can take care of my heart break too.

Declan Fisher... you are so much more than a baby.  You are so much more than my sister's full arms.  You are hope.  You are possibilities.  You are dreams come true.  You are a FUTURE. 

Thank you for keeping me afloat this past year, Declan.  I love you dearly!

Happy birthday! 

Auntie Jami

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

Lessons I learned from Mercy

I need to begin this blog with a HUGE disclaimer. I am NOT a cat person. I really am not. I can hardly stand cats. In fact (as MANY would tell you), I might have even been heard saying, "The only good cat is a dead cat." I really do not like cats. Okay, finished with the disclaimer. Here's the story:

About two weeks ago, a stray cat followed the kids home from a bike ride. What I didn't know then was that it was just the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" storyline being played out in front of my eyes. As John and I decorated the Christmas tree (something the kids were supposed to be helping with), they sat out on the driveway petting the cat and playing with the cat.

"She's hungry Momma." was the first step in my slippery slide down the hill. I gave in out of love for my babies, not out of any affinity for this cat. We gave her a can of tuna and a saucer of milk. She set up an abode underneath our front porch, and the kids started calling her Lucky. After about two days, it was time for Elijah's tonsil surgery so Riri came out to the country to watch the other kids. She brought along with her a water dish, food dish and a bunch of cat food. I guess that was step two...

I can't remember the exact timeline, it is all so foggy and seems like it was forever, not just a few weeks. Eventually (we theorize because we were leaving her food outside) she got into a scuffle with another animal. One morning we found her face all gashed up and her nose bleeding. We let her move into the garage to keep her safe and let her heal from whatever predator had attacked her. John and I rationalized, we can have an outside cat and not be cat people. At that point, I announced that Lucky was a lame name, and we needed a real name. We decided upon Mercy because in our dreams the dog we'll have is named Gracie, and Grace and Mercy go so well together. We moved her food and water into the garage, gave her a camp chair and a few blankets to sleep on, and opened the door during the day for her to "do her business."

Our setup became problematic when the weather started turning colder. The day that I found her water bowl frozen solid was the day we knew we were in over our heads. We moved Mercy inside and set her up in the mudroom. In breezed Riri, with a litter box, toys, canned cat food, a brush... all the goodies the spoiling Aunt has right at her fingertips (at least after a quick trip to Target). The kids were in heaven. They would sit and pet Mercy forever.

Mercy was a GREAT cat. She was not like other cats. She wasn't snobby or persnickety. She was friendly and patient. She was great with the kids. She would let Hannah manhandle her and love on her, and she never got mean. She must have been someones cat who had been abandoned or something, because she immediately knew what the liter box was and used it consistently from the beginning. She was a dream cat (if there is such a thing).

We always kinda knew that Mercy was sick. When she first showed up, I told John, this cat just came here looking for somewhere to die. So when we decided to let her come live inside, we determined she would have to take a trip to the vet in order to make sure she wasn't a danger to the children. The vet did not have good news. Likely Mercy had a terminal condition that wasn't treatable, but nothing that could be transmitted to the children. We could try to clear up her infections with antibiotics and keep her for awhile. So we tried. That was Monday.

So there I was (NOT the cat person) squirting antibiotics down this cat's throat twice a day and wiping away her bloody buggers. I mean SERIOUSLY?!?!?! John was humoring me, but I know he was thinking, "Who is this crazy cat lady who has taken over my wife's body?" The medicine seemed to be working. We could hear Mercy sneezing a lot, and she seemed to be clearing some of the mucus from her lungs and nose.

Then yesterday, she climbed in her litter box and wouldn't get out. She sat in there much of the day. It was awful. I explained to the children that she was likely going to die soon, and she knew it. She would let us pet her, but if we tried to pick her up she'd bare her teeth and make a little pitiful sound like, "Please don't. It hurts too much." I was a wreck. The triple assault of watching this creature suffer, realizing I had fallen for this dumb cat and was now going to lose her, and knowing that this would break my babies' hearts was too much for me. I cried all day.

I struggled to find something to do for her. We could not afford to put her down (the vet said it would be nearly $100). No Humane Society would help me because we live in a "non-contracted" area. Part of how we ended up in this jam was because we had called the contracted "dog catcher" guy for Hubbard earlier in this saga, and he never called us back. We prayed for Mercy and that God would help us find a way to help her, and I tried one more time to reach the Hubbard animal guy. Miraculously, I reached his wife. I think my tears helped plead my case for once. She assured me he would call as soon as he returned from work. Mercy left with the animal man at 4:10 p.m. last night. We were devastated but not left without many lessons learned.

1. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death (James 1:15) I am not saying Mercy was sin; however, I am saying, if you don't want to have a cat.... if you don't want to be a "cat person".... do NOT (I repeat) do NOT feed a stray cat. Don't even pet it. Don't even look at it. The parallels here are too clear not to be applied! If you don't want to have sex before your married, don't take your clothes off. If you don't want to become addicted to drugs, don't smoke even your first joint. If you don't want to cheat on your husband, don't spend any time with a man you are not married to. If you want to avoid sin, do NOT entertain it! Don't give it even one second of your time. Because if you let it get just one tiny little paw into your front yard, before you know it that thing will be sleeping on your couch, and you'll be wiping the bloody mucus from it's nose. Trust me! I know some of you are saying, "Not me! I hate cats!" or "Not me! I love my spouse!" or "Not me! I don't drink, smoke or chew or go with boys who do!" But let me tell you: If it can happen to the greatest cat hater of all, it can happen to you.

2. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9) God sure works in mysterious ways I tell you. Me falling for this cat reminded me of this unexpected friendship that came my way. I had determined in my heart to hate this girl. She had taken my place. She was the new (and MUCH better) cheer coach at HCS, and I was still bitter about having my job, my calling, my ministry ripped from my grip. But in breezed Shannon Michelle and it was all over. She and I "clicked" like peanut butter and jelly. Still now... ten years later she is one of my BFFs. God works in mysterious ways. I never thought I'd love a cat. But I did, and because I kept my heart open to the unexpected I gleaned a lot of good things.

3. Why you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (James 4:14) Mercy really seemed to be on the upswing this week. Then all of a sudden she veered suddenly and started declining rapidly. Life is like that too you know. All is going well and then without much warning, it is lying shattered at your feet. We had such a short time with Mercy before she was gone, but we enjoyed every moment with her and we loved her and gave her a little taste of Heaven before she succumbed to her illness. So the lesson I take from that??? Suck up every second like it is your last. Savor every moment you have with the ones you love because before you know it your time may be up. I have had two relationships like this. Two very intense friendships that came seemingly out of nowhere and overtook my life. Two "BFFs" who became indispensable within a matter of minutes and then after not very long left my life with a heart-shattering "BAM!" I have really learned to just be grateful for every second I have... with Mercy, with my friends, and with my family. Because I know that sickness, death, or betrayal can rip those things from your grip in an instant, and I never want to be left regretting the fact that I didn't cherish what I had when it was there.

4. The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40) Being kind can never be wrong. It just can't. It might hurt in the end. You might end up with your heart torn to shreds and bleeding profusely, but it can NEVER be wrong to be kind. Recently, I made a kind gesture that was rebuked and thrown right back in my face. At first, I was so angry. The sting of the rejection really hurt. But then I realized, I wouldn't change one thing I had done because I had been kind and that was a good thing. Right now as I sit here a little bruised and battered from having known and loved Mercy, I realize that I wouldn't change one thing. It hurt like heck to let her go, and it hurts like heck still as just a few moments ago I had to console Elijah through a storm of tears after he asked, "Mom, why did Mercy have to go to sleep?" But I am glad we were kind to this tiny little creature. I am glad we gave her love and warmth and food for her last days on this earth.

Okay so I'm finally to the end of this long-winded blog. Please do not mistake me, I am still NOT a cat person. However, I think I may amend my famous saying, "The only good cat is Mercy."

The valley of the shadow of death....

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)

I know a thing or two about valleys. I've traveled through my share (and maybe a few other people's share too...) Therefore, I feel qualified to tell you a few things I have learned about journeying through a valley... a sort of JLK TripTik to help you navigate your way.

He is with you. The first stop along our way is the no-brainer. It is right there in the verse I opened with, "for you are with me...." God is with you. Even though it feels as if you've been abandoned, even though you cannot always see Him there, He is WITH you! Right there in the valley, right there as you're saying goodbye to a loved one, right there as the bank is foreclosing upon your house, right there as the judge signs the papers on your divorce, HE IS WITH YOU. Whatever you do, do NOT let the enemy convince you this is not true. In order to make it to the other side of this deep canyon, you HAVE to hold tight to this truth: HE IS WITH YOU!

Stand.... or fall down too, but do not give up! When you are walking through a deep, dark valley, feeling discouraged is understandable. When your life is falling apart, you will feel despair. When your dreams are lying in a pile of rubble at your feet, your broken heart will ache. But no matter what you do, do not give up. "....and after you have done everything, to stand." (Ephesians 6:13b)... Sometimes standing is all you can do. Sometimes it is good enough to just NOT fall down, Sometimes you even fall down, and it is good enough to just get back up. To say to God, "My heart is in ruins but I will stand." ...like Brooke Taylor in Facing the Giants.... broken hearted facing her bareness and crying out, "I will still love you, Lord!" Just don't give up! It's okay to stand still. It's okay not to move. But do NOT give up!

This too shall pass... No matter how endless the valley you are traveling feels, there IS an end to it. There will come a day when you will look back on the valley. There WILL! For those of you who are in the valley RIGHT NOW, you will find my next words hard to believe, but someday you may even long wistfully for the valley. Just this past weekend I was longing wistfully for a few of the darkest times in my life:

***The year when I was pregnant with Hannah through her birth, we were walking through a valley of the shadow of financial destitution that was pretty much unmatched by ANYTHING else we had ever faced. I remember how terrified I was. I remember the power was shut off that summer. But this past weekend, I looked back and remembered how it was in the middle of that valley that God blessed me with this beautiful baby girl who is so much more than I could have ever hoped or asked for. We were involved in the birthing of a church that year, and we were integral in the support system of that church, and we BELONGED. I also remember that year we were coaching a cheer squad that was more family than team. As I look back on that valley, what I notice most are the flowers scattered along the way.

***Last fall our valley was having a portion of John's skull removed in brain surgery and living with none of his income for a few months. I remember the exhaustion of those long, labor-intensive days. I remember the fear of ending up homeless because we could not pay the bills. I remember fighting back the worry that I would be widowed well before I got to be that cute elderly couple holding hands at the grocery store. But this past weekend, I looked back and remembered the AMAZING blessing of being together as a family (all six of us... and just the six of us) for nearly two months. We were cared for by the body of Christ in a way that BLEW MY MIND. We learned more lessons about God and about each other than I can even catalog. As I look back on that valley, what I notice most are the flowers scattered along the way.

So please believe me.... no matter how science-fiction like it sounds... there WILL come a day when you too will look back on this valley and see the flowers scattered along the way.

I wish that none of us had to face valleys. What a pleasant trip this would be if it were a skip down a rose-lined path on a sunny day! However, that's not what I have found from scripture: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23) The description Jesus gives of following Him includes crosses... not roses. It is also not what I have found in life. People die. Finances go south. Hearts get broken. But these things I know about traveling through a valley:

He is with you.

Stand...

This too shall pass.

If you are in a valley right now, I pray this has ministered to you. If you are not in a valley right now, maybe you want to bookmark this page, because eventually you will be. The valleys in life are inevitable... I just hope this little TripTik will help you a little in yours.

hard pressed, perplexed, struck down

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but NOT ABANDONED; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Cor 4:8-9

Wow! I am hard pressed, perplexed, struck down.... I have suffered several sucker punches over the past few days. Quickly let me share this one....

I finally had the common sense to google the agency that I was communicating with about my book, and it is a scam. Every entry I found warned people not to get involved with them. I’m not sure what is worse: the rejection that so far the only people who want my writing are scammers, the embarrassment that I laid it all out there and shared with everyone that “someone wanted to read my stuff” and now it’s a scam, or the fear that now they will steal the work that I have already sent them and all that time and energy is wasted.

What do you do when all your dreams are lying in a pile at your feet? Run to Jesus. Climb up in His lap. Cry your eyes out. And never stop believing that He is in control. I have to cut this short. My eyes are leaking a little.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord (Isaiah 55:8)

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea (Psalm 46:2)

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Psalm 18:2)

More and more and MORE lessons!

I have really been going through some battles lately. I told someone last night I feel challenged on EVERY front.

"Why can't we do speed math instead of regular math?"
"Why do we have to ALL take off our bows if someone forgets theirs?"
"Why do I have to get out of bed before noon and eat more than 2 bites of my dinner?"

I want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs, "Because I am the mom/coach/old-person-caretaker, and I said SO!!!" [In fact truthfully, I have screamed the mom version of that statement several times] I feel as if I am fighting SO many "challenges to my throne" that I am not handling many of them very gracefully at all. It is VERY draining to have to give a 3-point sermon defending every instruction you give. It takes a TON of energy and when you multiply the sermon by the instructions I give to: 4 children, 1 old lady and 17 cheerleaders.... I'm done!

Yesterday was ESPECIALLY trying. See we got this HUGE blessing. Our dear friends gave us a bunch of their old stuff (tv, DVD player, surround sound, entertainment center) because they were updating and that is leading to a FRENZY around here. The kids are so excited about where the new stuff is going to go and when we are going to set it up. They also got their backup Xbox back from their big brother, and they are CHOMPING at the bit to use it, because "we can play two things at once, Mom!" So I fought and fought and fought to get them through school and chores.

I was plagued by nightmares last night. In my dreams I was arguing with John, the kids, my aunt, cheerleaders, the bank.

This morning I woke up EXHAUSTED. I was getting ready to read my Bible and just started with, "God, please speak to me. Please tell me what this is all about. I must be fighting wars on every front because you want me to learn a lesson!" Before I even opened my Bible, His word came to me... through verses I made my sixth graders memorize years ago:

Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. 
James 3:5-6

It doesn't matter how many battlefields this war is raging on. It doesn't matter how many times and from how many directions I am challenged, questioned, even defied. God wants me to control my tongue! I have to stay patient, keep control of my words, even keep control of the impatient thoughts raging through my mind. This is NO small task as I already mentioned the WAY too many fronts I am engaged on. But God doesn't say, "Okay Jami since you are trying to do so much I will accept 50% effort on each front since that still equals 150% or 200%"  God expects me to be Christlike in each and every situation... in each and every contact.... with each and every word!

That is the tall order I am trying to fill today.  Please pray for me if you think of it because if you know me at all, you know that "keeping a tight reign on my tongue" has NEVER been my strong suit. But I am going to give this the old college try today!

God bless!

World War 3....

My kiddos have been at each other’s throats most of the morning. He spilled my juice! That wasn’t his juice it was Hannah’s! Give me back those drumsticks! As a mom, I just want the fighting to STOP! It breaks my heart and hurts my head. As a person, I see validity in the grievances listed by all sides. I understand that a little sister who CONSTANTLY turns the television off in the middle of your program can be irritating, but I equally understand that being choked by your brother can be a little grievous too. Both sides have valid points to argue, but (mostly because of my wicked headache) I just wish they could find a way to get along. On a more realistic level, I wish they would remember to just let ME solve their disputes. I find myself CONSTANTLY saying, “Do NOT take matters into your own hands!” I remind them that when Hannah does something to them if they come to me for help then only Hannah gets in trouble, but if they take matters into their own hands and deal with the matter themselves, then they will get into trouble too.
I bet God feels that way about us too. When he looks at all our warring and fighting and fussing and complaining, I bet He recognizes the validity of our grievances. He knows that it hurts to be lied to. He recognizes that being rejected does not feel good. He knows full well how hard it is to forgive someone over and over and over again for the same exact thing. He knows that it is irritating to have to relate to filthy rotten sinners who just cannot seem to stop sinning. But I bet He too dreams of a day when we will all just get along, and I know that He wants to say to us, “Do NOT take matters into your own hands!” He wants us to come to Him when someone sins against us. He wants us to refrain from retaliation. He wants us to let Him deliver the consequences.
When my kids were in public school here in Franklin, their teachers often said, “1-2-3 eyes on me!” to get control of the class that had dissolved into chatting or horseplay. I envision God saying the same to us. When we are bickering, gossiping, or even just obsessing about other people, I think He is standing there saying to us, "Get your eyes off of that and onto me." So the next time someone hurts you or sins against you in some way, instead of fighting back stop and listen, and see if you can hear it: “1-2-3 eyes on Me!”

PRAY!

My heart is just so heavy today. Yesterday I was assaulted with desperate prayer requests.

***David just 11 years old an orphan adopted from Ethiopia is in his final stages of cancer. He can no longer see. He is suffering greatly. His parents are now just praying that God will take him Home.
***Amber 14 years old is also not winning her battle against cancer. My sister told me she was picking out the clothes she would wear at her funeral.
***Dear friends with their livelihood in jeopardy due to an unfair situation.
***The 17th surgery for my friends 10-year old daughter... she's still beating the odds 7 years after a near-fatal accident.
***Still praying daily for the VanZantens who are fighting to get past the issues with Baby Eli’s heart.

Sickness, broken hearts, poverty….they are all around me and they make my heart so heavy. I know the answer to this problem seems simplistic, but so often we overlook it. PRAY! Our hearts break, our eyes overflow with tears, yet so often we forget to PRAY! We question, we scream, we worry, we fret, but we don’t PRAY!

Here’s my encouragement for today….. PRAY! Stop right now and PRAY! Whenever you think of David and Amber and Baby Eli today, PRAY! When you feel worried or scared, PRAY! When things are going well, PRAY! I encourage you today to PRAY! Get your hand off that mouse right now and PRAY!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

My dear friend had this as her Facebook status yesterday: It is a waste of time to think about things when I could be praying about them. So don't think about this blog at all.... don't mull over whether I'm right or wrong.... don't waste time even commenting on it. PRAY!

[post-script]
Right after I finished posting this, Noah came down the stairs terrified. He had a nightmare. I asked what it was about. He said, "War." Then he said, "Alex got killed." I practiced what I had just preached to all of you. I pulled him into my arms and prayed with him. I wanted to add Alex to my little list of prayer requests here, because I believe that sometimes God speaks to us in our dreams. I believe that Alex needs an extra hedge of protection around him TODAY. So please also pray for my step-son Alex Kastner. He is in Afghanistan serving our country right now.

Hannah Beth...

I still remember the moment just BEFORE I heard the doctor say, "It's a girl!" In that moment BEFORE,  I heard you cry and tears sprung to my eyes as I thought,  "My baby is here! My baby is healthy enough to cry!" It. Was. The. BEST! Now don't get me wrong,  the moments that have followed have been pretty great too... a girl... oh a GIRL! with all the pink and bows and pom poms I can handle.

On this day as we celebrate you turning 11 years old,  I can hardly figure out where the years have gone! Oh how I long for the days of kissing your curly head while you nursed and picking you up to carry you wherever you needed to go. You are such a big girl now... almost as tall as I am! It makes me sad how fast time is flying. Yet at the same time,  I am IMMENSELY proud of the young woman you are becoming.  Kind and Christlike indeed!

I see my tender heart in the things you do.... when you cry because someone else got hurt... when you give of yourself to help someone else.... and I'm proud and terrified at the same time. Hannah Beth, loving this deeply will hurt you so much.  Caring for others when they snub you and judge you will break your heart.  But Baby Girl, don't you change yourself because of that! Don't stop loving even when you're wrongly accused.  Don't stop being kind when people lie about you.  You keep being like Jesus no matter what life throws at you!

Hannah this may sound harsh,  but I don't really want a life of happiness and ease for you, because I've realized a life of happiness and ease it not what will make you more like Jesus. I want you to have a life that leads you closer and closer to Him each day.  My prayer is that you'll love Him more than you did yesterday, every. single. day.

Thank you for making so many of my dreams come true.  I'm so grateful for all the sparkle you bring to my life. 

Happy 11th Birthday,  Princess! Enjoy your day!

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30

Unfollow

I'm in a Facebook group for families at this Basic Training.  At least once a week,  someone posts a long GUSHING post about how this group had been a lifeline, how much comfort it brought them,  how much valuable information they gleaned.  That has not been my experience. 

What I have experienced: 

*increased anxiety - wait what do you mean you're checking your child's bank account every day for fraud

*new worries - what are you talking about your graduation was canceled

* feelings of shame - reading "anyone who brings 10 people to graduation is a disrespectful piece of garbage"

*borderline bullying - you can't disagree with them or they shut down your post or even block you from the group

I'm sure you're thinking why don't you just leave the group, Jami? Because it is one of my only connections to what is going on with Hannah! We get 15 minutes on the phone with her every week... maybe. She writes letters, but they are very behind and they rarely tell us everything that's going on in the training phase. So I endure.  

But here's the life lesson (Well actually lessons):

1. As much as possible I try to just scroll on by. I do NOT engage.  Even if I have a VERY valid comment.  Even if I desperately want to encourage a struggling mom. NOPE. I scroll on by. I'm trying to treat this group like a newspaper that I glean information from and that I stay uninvolved in. I'm also trying to scroll on by when a post starts to trigger my anxiety. This morning, I read someone saying their soldier was told they can only have five people at graduation. NOPE. I cannot worry about that right now. That's tomorrow's problem. If we get there and we can't all go in to graduation, we'll deal with that then.

Here's the thing (and hold on I might get a little preachy here): I think this might be a principle we could all apply to our Facebook activity as a whole. Maybe not as extreme as I've gone (refusing to interact at all) but maybe just honestly stopping and thinking, "Do I really need to interact with this post?" And also asking ourselves is this thing that might possibly be true or might possibly happen worth the time and energy of me investing in it? Worrying about it? Dwelling on it? Ask yourself that. I am.

2. Both. Things. Can. Be. True. One person can find that group to be an absolute lifeline the best thing since sliced bread, and another person can find it to be their own personal hell that they are only enduring to get more information about their child. This is diversity at it's purest and rawest form. We aren't all alike! We all have different experiences! And this too needs to be heard by so many of us. (Mostly by me.) It's okay that someone's experience is 100% different than mine. It's okay if someone's opinion is 100% different than mine. My job on this earth is not to convince other people to agree with me. So as much as my flesh dreams about a July 2nd post saying this group did nothing but tear me down, heighten my anxiety, and give me a teeny tiny speck of helpful information, instead come July 2nd, I'm just going to (with a full and happy heart) click unfollow on that group.

Let go

Today I'm struggling with my people pleasing tendencies. I want everyone to love me. I want to make everyone happy. I want a perfect, peaceful, happy world where I offend no one, and I'm never misunderstood. Well Barbie, shake the dust off... we arent in Neverland anymore.

This morning, God is trying to pierce my heart. He's trying to get me to hear something I don't want to hear.... "Let go." I need to stop pouring my heart, my dreams, even my prayers into people I will NEVER please. "Let go." I have people, children, loved ones all around me who love and accept me inspite of my flaws. They deserve my time, my attention, my acts of service. "Let go." I'm not meant to minister to, be in relationship with, be loved by everyone.

I need to "Let go." and allow God to remove from my life relationships that shouldn't be there. I need to "Let go." to free up my hands to pour into the relationships that are God ordained. I need to "Let go."

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
Matthew 7:6

When it feels like God is late...

Before I even start, let me please make it CLEAR:  I know that God's timing is not our timing. I know that He has not dropped the ball. I know that He is still in control.

But sometimes it FEELS like God is late. It feels like He should have stepped in weeks, months or even years ago. It feels like SURELY He has lost track of all the things currently heaped on one person's shoulders. It feels like He lost track.

I have been PRAYING! I have been BEGGING for prayer and I KNOW others are praying too... yet still here we sit.. nothing changes but for the worse.

I know all the Christianese for my situation: I know I need to hang on. I know I need to trust God. I know I need to consider the lilies of the valley....

I also know that I have been BEGGING God to let me catch just ONE title to write about for MONTHS now... nada. I also know that I have been trusting Him to bring GOOD out of John's most recent medical woes... nopes! Nothing but negative ramifications raining down on us from that. I know that every single stinking place I turn there is NOTHING but broken down, negative, NONSENSE coming my way.

This morning I woke up to the refrigerator incessantly beeping. This is a NEW fridge... just THREE WEEKS out of warranty. And it is DEAD. Won't cool anything... won't stop beeping... I was able to get the manufacturer to cover the service and repair it under warranty; HOWEVER, they aren't even coming for the service call until Tuesday (and then who knows how long till the parts come in)... What in the WORLD? What is up with us? We just have the WORST luck ever and I can't figure it out! This fridge is new and in 13 months it has NEVER caused us even ONE problem... Yet now... right NOW with John still unable to drive, my "layoff" from freelancing starting to squeeze us, and my schedule so full I have NO wiggle room... NOW I get to figure out how to CHEAPLY feed a family of 7 without a refrigerator. The timing on this couldn't be worse and I just want to know WHEN? God WHEN will you step in and help me out????

I have been crying much of the day.. this may seem like just a stupid refrigerator but I am TIRED and WEARY and fed up with being the poster child for Trials R Us!

I have been trying for the past month to weather this with grace and godliness. I haven't fretted or worried... I keep trusting that God is going to figure this out... that He will make a way when there seems to be no way, but I am DONE now... I can't keep believing that everything is going to be "okay" when quite CLEARLY it is not.  I know in my head that He is not late, but right now I feel like God has forgotten me.... like He doesn't remember that I already have a HEAVY load on my shoulders and I don't need anymore burdens to carry. I know that's not right but I also know that is what I feel. Defeated... Discouraged... Hopeless...

I want to believe that He's gonna rescue us but I'm just not sure I can.

So what do you do when it feels like God is late?  On the way into town today, I just kept chanting to myself, "I love God. I love God. I love God." I couldn't make it past that... One thing I know is I LOVE GOD... I suppose nothing else matters much.

I think often of that scene in Facing the Giants when the coach's wife is struggling with her infertility issues and she keeps saying, "I will still love you, God." I am SO there.... I am at the end of me... my hopes and dreams lie dashed on the rocks, but I WILL still love Him... no matter what.