April 15th.... Dooms (I mean Tax) day

 Just a quick funny story... the lesson is quite obvious: Don't wait until the last minute to deal with your taxes.

So every single year I VOW that I am going to get my taxes done in January, yet every single year finds me entering April without my taxes done. I completed my taxes on Easter Sunday at my parent's house and then planned to mail them 4/15. Since I had to pay, I didn't want to give the government my money even one day early. Apparently I set my "mail the taxes" reminder too late because when it went off at 5 p.m. I realized CRAP! I missed the mail! No worries I'll just head up to the 24-hour post office by the airport after John gets home from work tonight. (Famous last words.)

After AI, I hopped in the car to head to the post office. Approaching the post office from the south, I saw some orange cones and thought, "Hmmmm wonder if those are to direct me and the other April Fools who didn't do their taxes earlier to the post office." Well right by the cones was a sign warning of road construction so I (incorrectly) assumed the cones were due to the construction and not the rush to the post office. BAH! no other way into the post office! I had to drive all the way down halfway to Layton before I could make a U turn. Now approaching the post office from the north, I realized, "No left turn into the post office!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" all the way back through the tunnel and another U turn before I got into the post office parking lot, only to realize it was too late for drive up service. Seriously! This was becoming like a BAD episode of Malcolm in the Middle! But it wasn't over yet.

For whatever reason I had decided NOT to put on shoes before I left because I couldn't find them. "I'm just driving up to the mail box and dropping off my taxes," I reasoned. So here I was in the parking lot searching in vain for a parking spot, trying to decide if I should park in a no parking or pretend like there was a spot over by that mailbox.... Finally I made a spot by the mailbox and hurried in to the post office barefoot and in a winter coat. Phew! That's over! Ya right Jami!

I traveled west down College and too late realized that those signs meant College was closed due to construction. My only choice was to get on I94 going downtown! I live south of the airport... south and west... now I was traveling north towards downton! AHHHHHHH! It was becoming increasingly hard to hold back the cuss words that were trying to rush into my brain and out of my mouth.

I have never once in my entire life exited I94 northbound at Layton... for some reason I thought the exit was after I got onto the 894 bypass so I missed the Layton exit! GRRRRRR! Fine! I'll get off at 27th street then! NOPE! more construction! I couldn't get off until Loomis! I was so completely and totally frustrated! For those of you who are not from Milwaukee, in a nutshell... what should have taken me 20 minutes round trip turned into nearly an hour! All I could think as I pulled into my driveway was, "Next year, I am doing my taxes in January!"

Interview with Elijah

 This is a cute idea. Copy this note, ask your child the questions and write them down exactly how they respond.

Interview with Elijah --- age 5

1. What is something mom always says to you? I love you

2. What makes mom happy? cleaning my room

3. What makes mom sad? hating her

4. How does your mom make you laugh? tickling me

5. What was your mom like as a child? she was like me

6. How old is your mom? 24

7. How tall is your mom? very

8.What is her favorite thing to do? kiss me

9. What does your mom do when you're not around? work

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? for throwing parties

11. What is your mom really good at? working

12. What is your mom not very good at? she's a little good at baking

13. What does your mom do for her job? work

14. What's your mom's favorite food? carrot

15. What makes you proud of your mom? working and getting more money

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? Hannah Montana

17. What do you and your mom do together? go to the park

18. How are you and your mom the same? because I love you

19. How are you and your mom different? she works and I play

20. How do you know your mom loves you? because I was in her tummy

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? McDonalds

Interview with Noah

 This is a cute idea. Copy this note, ask your child the questions and write them down exactly how they respond.

Interview with Noah - age 9

1. What is something mom always says to you? Clean your room

2. What makes mom happy? obedient children

3. What makes mom sad? disobedient children

4. How does your mom make you laugh? tickling me

5. What was your mom like as a child? i don't know.... ummm smart and likes to read books

6. How old is your mom? 39 almost 40

7. How tall is your mom? I don't know

8.What is her favorite thing to do? read books

9. What does your mom do when you're not around? goes on the computer and works

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? I don't know

11. What is your mom really good at? ignoring us

12. What is your mom not very good at? fixing stuff

13. What does your mom do for her job? work from home

14. What's your mom's favorite food? chicken kiev

15. What makes you proud of your mom? protecting us

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? Vicky from Fairly Odd Parents

17. What do you and your mom do together? laundry

18. How are you and your mom the same? we can whistle

19. How are you and your mom different? I don't like school

20. How do you know your mom loves you? because she buys me clothes and stuff

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? she'd love it if she got tickets to American Idol

but he's just a sweet little boy...

Interview with Jeremiah

 This is a cute idea. Copy this note, ask your child the questions and write them down exactly how they respond.

Interview with Jeremiah - age 7

1. What is something mom always says to you? Clean your room

2. What makes mom happy? when we obey

3. What makes mom sad? when we don't obey

4. How does your mom make you laugh? tickles me

5. What was your mom like as a child? not fat

6. How old is your mom? 32

7. How tall is your mom? 69 inches

8.What is her favorite thing to do? watch American Idol

9. What does your mom do when you're not around? work

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? singing

11. What is your mom really good at? teaching

12. What is your mom not very good at? nothing

13. What does your mom do for her job? be on the computer

14. What's your mom's favorite food? her homemade pizza

15. What makes you proud of your mom? when she makes her homemade pizza

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? Demi Lovato

17. What do you and your mom do together? work on AWANA

18. How are you and your mom the same? we don't have birthmarks

19. How are you and your mom different? she's a girl

20. How do you know your mom loves you? because she kisses me

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? the grocery store

Flowers for Mrs. Weinstein

an ode to capless markers....

Have any of you seen this commercial? It is for throw away Glad storage containers. The mom is a nazi requiring stiff collateral before ever giving out a storage container of leftovers. Until VOILA Glad (or whatever brand it was) saves the day with their disposable storage containers?

I feel like that mom....why is it that my children seem to take markers as a challenge to lose the caps? And why is it that it seems to only take 1.3 seconds before a market without a cap dries up? And why is it that when the caps are left off of all these markers and one starts to clean up looking for the matches, one can find MANY caps and MANY markers but none of them match?!?!? Should I start requiring them to leave collateral or super glue the things to their tiny little hands? What? What? What? can I do to save my markers AND their caps?

Yesterday was drive-in movie night at AWANA. As part of this special night, the children were supposed to bring a box or basket to be their "car." They were supposed to decorate said box or basket to look like a car. Now in spite of my conviction that all crafts and crafting supplies come straight from Satan, I decided to cave and get on the bandwagon for this project. I (in an uncharacteristically prepared fashion) remembered that boxes were needed, and thought this was a great time to finally purchase grocery boxes. (I had been wanting to use them to sort hand-me-downs that don't yet fit and toys and such because they are uniformly shaped and UBBER cheap....as Kastner children destroy EVERYTHING they touch I figured I wouldn't cry too many tears when they destroyed my $0.99 organizers). Soooooo on Saturday when I was at the grocery store, I REMEMBERED to ask the cashier for boxes. This item had been on my grocery list for at least 3 weeks and I just never remembered to ask by the time I got to the register. I was SO proud of myself as I watched Ally pick up the phone and call back to request my boxes. (No I don't know ALL of the cashier's by name....this one is one of my babysitters.) Soooo she gets off the phone and informs me... "we don't have any boxes." Typical, I finally remember to ask. I act in a prepared way, requesting the boxes a full five days before they are required and.... they are out! Whatever.

So yesterday [because my momma didn't raise no dummy], I called up to Pick N Save and asked them to please check if they had boxes. After being put on hold, being transferred to the grocery department, being put on hold again, I was finally told "YES we have boxes." Later in the afternoon I went to Pick N Save, proceeded immediately to the Service Counter and asked for 4 boxes please. The poor little high school guy manning the counter had just finished dealing with an older lady who was IRATE that her $1 off Advil coupon had not been figured into her total. Now he had to deal with me. He hung up the phone from calling back to request my boxes and said, "We don't have any boxes." I promise I counted to 10 first (ok maybe only 3), and I said, "I called up here this morning because I did not want to make a trip up here with four kids in tow for nothing. I was told you had boxes. Please ask again." Well.....somehow this time when he called, they had boxes but they were on the truck and it would be a 10 minute wait. FINE. I headed towards the bakery to get the kids their free cookie. As we returned to the Service Counter, Jeremiah said, "Mom, that wasn't 10 minutes." I know Miah now we get to wait....and wait...and wait.

My children actually waited in a manner that I was JUST fine with. They were pulling each other's hair. At least two of them screamed at the TOP of their lungs. Three tried to activate the nearby fire extinguisher. It was true Kastner Chaos. And guess what? For once, I really didn't care. Let the other patrons and the staff put up with us....they TOLD me they had boxes. I dragged my four children out of their shut-in, homeschooled life and into the grocery store and now they were making me wait (waaaaaaay longer than 10 minutes). They could put up with the Kastner's in their glory. Finally the "manager" who couldn't have been much more than 16 (I would have said 12 but I don't think they give work permits to 12 year olds) came up apologetically with my boxes. I don't think he was really sorry, but I think he realized at the last moment that I was Tracey's cheer coach... so he treated me nicely.

Anywhoo.... VERY long rabbit trail off track there... back to my ode to lost markers. So we return home FINALLY with our boxes and I pull out the coveted art supplies, knowing full well that I am going to regret this. I started with, "Absolutely, positively, no paint."

"But mom-"
"No paint."
"Mom-"
"Nope."
"Plea-"
"NADA! Not gonna happen ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

Well that was the beginning of the end for every single marker in the Kastner household. All day long I have been finding caps and markers [but none together]. You know if you step on a marker cap barefoot and it hits you smack in the middle of that soft arch of your foot... it's almost enough to make a Christian cuss. I actually have one green dry erase marker and one yellow dry erase marker with caps(which actually brings up another rabbit trail....what in the WORLD is the purpose of a yellow dry erase marker? it doesn't show up very well and so if the purpose of dry erase markers is to write say on a white board so others can see it from far away how in the WORLD could anyone find any use for a YELLOW one?!?!?!) . I have (I am pretty sure) lost all of my washable markers (and probably all of my sanity too). I currently have four caps and three markers on my desk but NOT ONE OF THEM MATCH!

So this is an ode to capless markers....I can blame no one but my own self. I knew that crafts and art projects were from the devil yet still I let my children decorate their fake car boxes. Whatever, I need to just get over it and go put markers on my Wal-Mart list I guess.

An ode to my amazing husband....

 First a tiny little marriage moment for everyone: In the Love Dare, it talks about how your heart has two rooms for your spouse

1. the appreciation room: the place where you store all the great, loving, romantic things your spouse has done... such as remembering your birthday, bringing you flowers just because, taking care of you when you were sick

2. the depreciation room: the place where you store the memories of the icky things they have done... forgeting a special anniversary, hateful words said in the heat of an argument, etc...

The book encourages spouses to flee the depreciation room whenever they find themselves in there rehashing all the horrible things ever done and to spend as much time in the appreciation room as possible.

So this morning I found myself standing in the appreciation room admiring many things about my husband, and I thought.... "hmmm...I should proclaim some of these things from the mountain top... what an awesome way to let my husband know all the great things I'm thinking about him then to post them for all of creation to read." So here goes.....

This morning my husband arose at 6:15 a.m. He is a bit under the weather and is fighting off some sort of bug, but still he dragged himself into his work clothes and departed the house only a few minutes late to head off to job number one. He will work his full shift there and then draf himself off to job number two to work another eight hour shift. During the weeks that he feels healthy, he usually makes it until about Wednesday before feeling as if he can't wait until the weekend, but this week he is already there. But still on he goes trudging off to work to provide for his family in spite of how grueling it is.

I have a hard time explaining how incredibly loved this makes me feel. He is exhausted. He misses us. He gets absolutely NO down time during the week and only 5 hours of sleep each weeknight, and he willingly does all of this because he loves us. It is a rare thing to be loved so extravagantly. I am so proud of him and so grateful that my children have a father who is modeling for them responsibility and a strong work ethic.

Sooooo I just came up with an idea.... it is a challenge to everyone on my facebook list who has a spouse.... you know those 25 things lists circulating.... I challenge you to do this: make a list of 25 things about your spouse that you appreciate.... post it here on facebook for all to read... tag your spouse and a bunch of your friends who have spouses.... if you get tagged DO IT! I bet it will make your spouses day!


25 things I appreciate about John J. Kastner
1. he is the hardest working man I have ever in my life known
2. no matter how destitute we are, he will still give the shirt off his back to help someone else out
3. he loves Jesus with all of his heart, soul, mind and body
4. he loves me so extravagantly....if he has only $10 left for 2 weeks and I want chips & salsa, he will go and spend that last $10 on me without even batting an eye
5. he is fiercely loyal
6. he loves his children and will do anything for them
7. he is very straightforward...you ALWAYS know exactly where you stand with him
8. inspite of the crusty exterior shell, he is nothing but a big softy underneath
9. he relates VERY well to teenagers....loving them no matter what their faults and holding them accountable no matter how difficult that might be
10. he is a big child always playing, joking, and having fun
11. he shouts AMEN in church when the sermon is good even though right now our church is ridiculously quiet and passive... he doesn't care if it speaks to him, if it deserves an AMEN he's gonna shout it no matter how dead and quiet the sanctuary is
12. he dreams BIG dreams and believes GREAT things of God (and me)
13. he thinks I'm HOT even though one can hardly find the normal person I used to be inside this fat girl body
14. he could beat the crap out of anyone he came in contact with....this makes me feel VERY safe...
15. he is really HOT (for his age...right Amanda?)
16. he pays attention to the little comments I make and then turns those into nice things to do for me....if I say hmmm I've always LOVED Faith Hill.... before I know it he'll surprise me with her new CD.
17. he is my ROCK in times of chaos.... when the kids split their head open or knock a tooth crooked.... he is ever calm and he knows IMMEDIATELY if we should rush to the hospital or take care of it ourselves
18. he is tough, tough, tough but not afraid to be sensitive too
19. he puts up with all my crazy fears and worries
20. he is FIERCLY jealous....that makes me feel valuable to him
21. he sacrificed his truck and his car in order to cut costs
22. he ALWAYS wears socks.... I just think this quirky thing is adorable
23. he "cleans up" real nice
24. he is an AWESOME griller....everything he puts on our Weber is DELECTABLE!
25. he is teaching our boys to be gentlemen (I don't care if this ticks off any feminists out there.... I LOVE it!)

P.S. to this afternoon's note...

 Warning: composing this on my Blackberry not sure how great that is gonna work.

Ok the following is a true story... I swear to tell the truth so help me God!

So almost immediately after typing that Malcolm in the Middle note, I got up to go change cuz we were leaving the house for the first time since Sunday. So I had just finished putting my hair up and Noah comes racing up the stairs... "Elijah shattered one of the windows in the front door!". I kick off my shoes and FLY down the stairs: worried... Is he bleeding? Will someone else soon be bleeding? It is below zero and we have a 12" hole in our front door? Angry... Seriously how many more things can this child destroy??? DON'T ANSWER THAT!!! And a little bit amused... Already the irony of my first note being so rapidly succeeded by this occurrence was starting to hit me.

Sure enough one of the 9" x 12" panes of glass in our front door was shattered. I started barking out orders: I need the broom! Don't forget the dustpan! Someone call daddy and ask if I should cover it with cardboard or plastic! DON'T STEP OVER THERE!!! And do NOT take off your shoes!

Well while cleaning it up I extracted the whole story. The little windows on our front door are iced over from the arctic weather. Noah was chipping away at the ice with a screwdriver when Eli took the screwdriver and said, "I know! Do it like this!" He then proceeded to stab the window cracking the ice and shattering the window beneath.

I just couldn't help but chuckle as I thought to myself, "These are the best days of your life Jami."

I didn't let my laughter keep me from cleaning up. Although I did stop for a moment to remind Elijah that when he is an adult with a real job, his entire first year of salary is ALL mine. Yups yups.

the BEST Malcolm in the Middle EVER

 (note: I would like Lori Gillis Brady to comment and tell me: do you relate to Malcolm in the Middle at all, because I TOTALLY do! laugh and cry till I nearly pee my pants all the TIME! Oh and Krystal Gabert... not sure if you'll be able to tolerate reading this because my thoughts are flying so fast from my brain that I cannot AT ALL promise to use appropriate punctuation!)

Kay so I just finished watching the BEST Malcolm in the Middle EVER! Hal and Lois are trying to work on their will... it is HILLARIOUS! It's a clip show where they just continually flashback and I was seriously peeing my pants laughing. Now some of you normal parents with just a couple of kids or a boy and a girl or even MANY girls... you're sitting there thinking Malcolm in the Middle? She realtes to Malcolm in the Middle? Seriously? But anyone out there (c'mon Lori AGREE with me) who has 3 or more boys KNOWS that this tv show is so much more reality than fiction.... so anyways they are flashing back to how bad there finances are, how they have no one to whom they could leave their kids and on and on.... eventually they end up in the kitchen bawling...."we are terrible parents" they lament.... Hal says something like, "What idiot in Washington thought it was a good idea to allow US to be parents?!?!" At this point I am laughing so hard I am about to pee my pants.... John and I have been through those moments... those "what in the world were we thinking we were not at all equipped to handle one child much less four (in all actuality seven)" moments.... so I'm laughing so hard I'm about to pee and then they throw me the sucker punch.... you hear a loud thump and then Dewey is screaming, "My head! My head! I hurt my head!" He comes running out of his bedroom clutching his head and Hal and Lois just snap into action (proving how stupid there lamenting was)... Lois comforts and distracts... Hal tosses her an ice pack and the phone running for Dewey's stuffed animal.... in the middle of this they start discussing which emergency room is closer most available best.... Lois dials the pediatrician's number from memory... Hal whisks Dewey towards the door... Dewey says, "Can I have an apple juice box?".... Lois goes to the fridge and says, "We only have apple cherry." Hal replies, "Of course we only have apple cherry." And Lois closes with, "We are the worst parents EVER." And I am just bawling because the irony of those words uttered just after they snapped into action like a well-oiled machine capably handling the emergency is NOT lost on me!

I LOVE the message of this episode! It was SCREAMING at me: You look at things and you judge whether you (or others) are good parents based upon how neat the house is, how obedient the children are, the grades on the report cards, the lack of detentions and the abundance of trophies.... but in reality here's what makes you a good parent: LOVING your children... loving them like no one else can.... in the midst of small objects shoved up nostrils, sticks of butter being ejected from the DVD player, stitches, calls to poison control, and broken bones... do NOT think you are a bad parent... realize God chose you to be this child's parent.... realize NO ONE on this earth loves your children like you love your children.... and hang onto the fact that before you know it these rowdy, crazy, needy children will be driving away to hang with their friends and practice with the team and go to youth group.... before you know it you will LONG for the poverty and sleep deprivation of these days because you will finally realize what EVERYONE has been telling you, "THESE ARE THE BEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE!!!"

Okay so in closing I never ever watched Malcom in the Middle when it was on prime time... a few months ago John started watching reruns of it, and before you knew it I was IN LOVE with this show... every time I watch it I relate to it somehow... I told all the kids in my youth group, "I dare you to watch this show and not think of the Kastners." So if you have never watched it... you should give it a try. (and then if you do watch it, I dare you to NOT think of the Kastners.) And if you are the mother of small children and today you are feeling inadequate to parent the children given to you take heart! As my wise momma says, "You are not raising successful children; you are raising successful adults."

Hope this made you think a little or at least laugh a little.... have a GREAT day.

Jami's Parenting Strategy: Taking 4 children in a public place

 This is for Lori & Dawn:

Here's what I did yesterday... (this was after bad Momma had lost her temper and her cool and everything she ever possessed and still had to go to the chiropractor, Pick N Save & Wal-Mart).... Okay I had all 4 with me cuz John's working at his second job at this point. I was WEARY and completely spent. We had to go to the chiropractor and due to violence, meltdowns, and temper tantrums (theirs not mine....I PROMISE!) The kids had ABSOLUTELY no tv time or video game time left for the day. Soooooooo..... before the chiropractor I devised the following scheme:

I am giving you 3 pennies. When we go into the chriopractor, you need to obey, talk quietly, and act appropriately at all times. You also need to keep track of your 3 pennies. Each time I have to remind you to behave you have to give me a penny. Everyone who leaves the chiropractor with 3 pennies gets a candy bar when we go to Pick N Save. Anyone who loses all 3 pennies will get a spanking. [at this point the question was asked: "What if we lose a penny?" the answer was if you lose a penny you do NOT get the tv time. This is not just about behaving it is about being responsible for what you've been given].

So we enter the chiropractor's office and they are all acting uncharacteristically good so Jeremiah asks me loudly: "Mom aren't you proud of us? We're all acting like normal human beings." Yups... my words don't sound nearly as great when they are coming out of my child's mouth. I could just hear myself muttering under my breath, ".....can't even act like normal human beings!" Whatevs... We left the chiropractor's office with all 3 boys earning a candy bar (Hannah wasn't really in the deal because yesterday she had a stomach bug and because she's way to young for it anyways).

So anyways on to Pick N Save.... this time I promised them 2 (yes I said 2!) hours of tv time. Since they had all lost ALL their tv time they were quite excited by this prospect. We get there and the Kids Corner is closed :( So I put them all 3 up against the wall just outside the Kids Corner and I say guess what? Now this is going to be even harder because instead of playing in the Kids Corner while I shop and just having to behave into and out of the store, you have to behave the ENTIRE time as we shop. Do you think you can do that? [nods from all] I think you can do it so let's go!

Well let's just say the results were not as amazing at Pick N Save as at the chiropractor. Only Noah earned the TV time.

Finally we headed home, had dinner, took dinner to daddy and then headed to Wal-Mart. Individual rewards this time: Noah....lost privileges returned; J & E - 1 hour tv time. Noah left Wal-Mart with 3 pennies. No one else did.

Well the system (or game some might say) was not foolproof but it really did help them behave better and me not completely lose my sanity trying to get them to behave "like normal human beings." And we lived through the experience too....

Pt 2: Christmas Day

 So after the hap, hap, happiest Christmas Eve in the world, we awoke Christmas Day morning ready for tons of F.F.F. (Forced Family Fun). All four children were dragged out of bed and tossed into coats and boots for the early a.m. trip to Oma & Poppa's for breakfast and presents. When Hannah awoke (with her hair trapped in the bend of Eli's elbow) she was complaining that she had an owie, and she kept grabbing her hip. We babied her by carrying her from place to place and hoping that it was just a bad charlie horse. But she did look oh so pathetic when she tried to walk holding her hip and dragging her leg behind her.

Shortly after we arrived, who do you think came up the walk? Santa! The rest was a blur of yummy dishes, a flurry of wrapping paper scraps and more presents than you can imagine. We had our first ever Cousins Christmas Concert. [Oma is teaching all of the cousins piano, and Christmas morning was their first ever recital.] It went VERY well. Somewhere in the middle of the adult's white elephant gift exchange, John disappeared. We all kept calling for him, and I was pretty sure he was in the bathroom as he had been there many times before, but he wasn't telling me what was up.

As soon as we finished presents, he called me upstairs to the bathroom he was in. I found him slumped over on the ground writhing in pain. He said, "I need to go to the emergency room." That's when my terror began. My husband NEVER wants to go to the emergency room. It was all quite a bit of deja vu from the second kidney stone experience; however, he kept saying this doesn't feel the same; it's not a kidney stone. I rushed downstairs to make some preparations: Cori....can you be point man for the kids? Mom...can I borrow a car so I can leave the minivan for the kids to ride in? Then back upstairs to get him. John couldn't stand upright so he just sorta crawled/rolled down the stairs. My mom kept saying, "We should call an ambulance." But I really didn't want to incur the cost of an ambulance when I was pretty sure I could get him to the hospital. Everyone kept saying go to that new hospital in Franklin....it's so close! So we headed south on 27th to the new one. On the way there I started to cry. The sounds of John's screams and his writhing around was really getting to me. It is very hard to see someone you love in that much pain, but even harder when you see someone who is typically so strong and tough whimpering and crying.

As we pulled into the hospital, I got this TERRIBLE feeling in my gut as I realized I was 99% sure that Wheaton Franciscan facilities were NOT covered under our insurance. By that time, however, it was WAY too late to go anywhere else. He had hardly made it the 5 miles to this place. He would have NEVER made it the nearly 10 to St. Luke's. So trying not to freak out about the fact that we would most likely be paying this visit completely out of pocket, I pulled up to the ER door and stopped. I ran for a wheelchair as John tumbled out of the car onto his hands and knees. My brother-in-law had followed us there so he helped me load John into the wheelchair and then he parked the vehicles. The hospital personnel rushed out as soon as we entered the waiting room, and they whisked him back. I went to check on Shawn and get the keys from him, and then went back to the room they put John in. He was still writhing and screaming. I was trying to help give the doctor (who was NOT a nice man) his health history and the symptoms he was having and trying not to cry because I was really scared. The thought did flicker through my head, "Ohmigosh! What if he dies on Christmas Day?" But I pushed that thought away as fast as I could. I was holding his hand and whispering prayers in his ear. Within a little while, they had him on an IV and finally on some morphine and anti-nausea medicine. As the pain subsided, we fell back into the calm routine we had practiced a couple of times earlier this year: turn on the t.v.; notify the fam we are ok and the pain is being managed; start to joke about how in the heck we're going to pay for this out-of network visit (we have NO coverage out-of-network). After a little under 2 hours, we got the news: 2 mm kidney stone, almost to the opening of the bladder. Here's some Flomax, Percoset and 2 different anti-nausea medicines. Contact your urologist ASAP. So we headed out of the hospital. Our Christmas lunch plans at my mother-in-laws ruined. We started altering our plans for the day. Dropped the prescriptions at Walgreen's and returned home to the children who were very glad to see their daddy walking again.

It seems if your last name is Kastner there always has to be drama. I left the kids (except for Hannah) at my parents with John and headed home for a quick shower. Pulling into the driveway (which had not yet been shoveled from the snow we got on Christmas Eve....to find out why refer to Pt 1: Christmas Eve) I realized my mistake a little too late. I was stuck in the snow. I hopped out of the van still in my pjs from Christmas breakfast and proceeded to shovel myself out of the driveway. By the time I made it into the house with Hannah in my arms, she was whining and crying again about her hip hurting. So I let her go first and put her in a hot bath followed by some ibuprofen. The hot water seemed to loosen up her cramp a little and the ibuprofen made her limp less. I jumped in the shower and finished to find texts and missed calls and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Christmas dinner was in 15 minutes!

Hannah and I got back to my mom's after dinner had already started. We ate a little and then watched the final version of the Cousins Christmas Concert (complete with a LAME re-enactment of Do You Hear What I Hear by the (now completely adult) children of Kathi Haugh. [Isn't Forced Family Fun great????] As we lounged around nearly comatose from our stressful and exhausting day, I realized that I had only had one cup of coffee all day and I still had to make it through a trip to my mother-in-laws. Well Dad only had cold coffee I could microwave to offer (I can't do that microwaved coffee thing). As we drove to my mother-in-laws it was seriously like the end of the world. Not a THING was open. Every single store we passed (except Hooters of course) had no lights on inside. I couldn't find a cup of coffee to save my life. And to make matters better, my mother-in-law only has decaf... so there was no relief there.

We arrived at Gramma Joan's and spent a little time there. The whole time I was sure I would pass out from exhaustion. The exhausting trip going to pull up the van then carrying Hannah while John was leaning on me across the ice to the car was successfully completed and we were finally on our way home.

Once home we just collapsed on the couch hardly moving and vegged out to a House marathon....

This Christmas was one of the most eventful and NOT storybook I have ever in my life had; however, it was not less magnificent than any of the others. As I sat there exhausted and ready to collapse, I realized that I still had this odd sense of contentment and happiness. In spite of everything, I felt blessed to have beautiful, sweet, kind children who were spoiled to the gills with great Christmas presents. I praised God that it was just another kidney stone, and that I came home with my slightly ailing husband, instead of having to leave him at the hospital (or worse). I realized that even when Christmas doesn't go according to the images we keep in our head, it is still Christmas. It is still a blessed time to remember the things that are most important, family, friends, and most of all a savior who came to earth as a child to make a way for us to all go to Heaven. That's what Christmas is about...whether it includes hospital visits and snowy driveways or perfectly sung carols around a cozy fire.

Pt 1: Christmas Eve (NOT for faint of heart or weak of stomach)

 Ok.... so consider yourself warned, this blog contains some graphic stuff.

It has been an odd Christmas for the Kastners.....not necessarily TERRIBLE... just not the picture perfect kinda stuff you imagine. This first part of the craziness happened on Christmas Eve.....

I awoke on Christmas Eve to tons of snow coming down. This was not really a welcome sight for me because I had a rare and treasured hair appointment scheduled. As the mother of 4 who homeschools, works from home, and organizes a youth ministry, I don't often get time for frivolous things such as haircuts. My hubby got me a giftcard to the beauty school and demanded I use it BEFORE Christmas. Well.... it was snowing so I called the beauty school... yups they were staying open. Hooray! So I got to work on the mountain of laundry and way too many Christmas gifts still to make so I could get some done before my appointment.

I was not too thrilled with my spoiling hubby because the night before he stayed out too late after work with some of the guys he works with. Now I'm not one to begrudge him some recreational time; HOWEVER, we are not younguns and 3 a.m. is just a bit too late for a 42-year old. Especially one who works 2 full-time jobs and gets absolutely no sleep. Not to mention for about 2 days we had been suspecting that he might be about to pass another kidney stone.

So he was already on his first "nap" of the day at 10:30... the time I needed to leave. I asked him if I should cancel my appointment but he assured me he'd be fine to watch the kids. I wasn't convinced. I headed out for a little pampering, stopping along the way to get some Starbucks (compliments of my gift card from Elise).... well I guess because I have not had my hair professionally colored in at least 15 years, I didn't realize that I would be sitting in that chair for 3 1/2 hours by the time I was done having my hair cut and colored and my eyebrows waxed. My butt hurt. I was bored. I had TONS to do at home, and I was wasting time in this pampering chair of torture. Oh, and I was NOT at ALL confident that John was watching the kids at all. The texts I was receiving from home were alarming me, and then I got confirmation.... Sarah and Elise stopped over and then stayed to watch the kids as John was on his second nap of the day. You are an OLD man! You cannot go out with the guys after work! Not when work ends at midnight!!!!

So my hair turned out great but not my eyebrows (bald patch in one spot, stray hairs left behind in another) and she was NOT the best Vici student I have ever had. She did NOT do that cool scalp massage thing they are supposed to do when they wash your hair, and she did a CRAPPY job of styling my hair. Whatevs... the color is what I wanted (actually better than I had imagined) and the cut is GREAT so I'll deal.

So I rushed through Pick N Save now opting for a quick warm and heat dinner instead of a fancy homemade slow cooked one. I returned home to a GLORIOUSLY cleaned home. I was expecting to meet total chaos, but Sarah and Elise had been busy little beavers and my house looked great! Turns out they used cleaning as an escape mechanism to get away from my children who were behaving TERRIBLY. Whatever you have to do man, my house is clean!

I bought the kids some plain gingerbread men at the bakery for them to decorate, but then I knocked them off the stove and they had to instead start with surgery to reattach all the gingerbread amputations and even one decapitation. Whatever the more frosting to reattach a limb the better that gingerbread tastes!

Finally, I returned to burning my homemade DVD's and printing out the family calendars that it is my tradition to make for Christmas. Noah and Jeremiah warmed dinner while I did this. I was trying VERY hard to work quickly. My goal was to be in bed before midnight. Well midnight came and went and I was still up. The later it got the worse it got.... (here's where it starts to get graphic so zone out if you are squeamish) I finally gave up my day long search for Hannah's missing party shoe because I needed to search for my niece's missing present. When Hannah went through her present opening frenzy, we hid all the presents. Well Alyssa's AWANA bag got hidden too well (in fact it STILL hasn't turned up). Finally at about 12:30 I decided I had to get to bed, when I realized I didn't print out the stuff for Do You Hear What I Hear? I quickly printed the required materials. I had already thrown my jeans down the stairs cuz they were dirty. So now I was working in just my underwear and a t-shirt (this is an essential fact for this story.... I promise).... After printing the materials I needed, I went to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair to sit at the table and write a few things down. As my butt hit the chair (remember I'm only wearing underwear) I realized there was a puddle on the chair. (Last warning if you are squeamish turn back NOW!) As I jumped back to my feet all sorts of random facts started flying into my mind.... weren't those Hannah's underwear under the chair? wait didn't she disrobe for a naked run just before bed? puddle... what is this a puddle of? without thinking enough, I stuck my finger into the puddle and put the finger to my nose to smell.... YUPS you've I'm sure deduced it already: PEE! I sat (wearing only my underwear) in a puddle of Hannah's pee! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I cannot BEGIN to describe to you my revulsion as I stood there with my daughter's pee running down my leg and my own underpants soaked exactly as if I were the one who had peed my pants. I wanted to scream and cry... this is CHRISTMAS! I'm supposed to be in bed dreaming of sugar plum fairies not standing in my kitchen, exhausted from hours of making and searching for presents, with my daughter's pee running down my leg. This is NOT Merry!

I felt like I was in Christmas Vacation 2.... I wanted to shout: Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny flipping Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white butt down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of idiots this side of the nuthouse. (Clark Griswold...Christmas Vacation.... yes I did change some of the text to make it PG enough for this blog)

But I wasn't. This was my real life and I had a choice to make.... so I chose to do what the mom has to do... I started laughing.... then I went upstairs to share my hysterical story with my already half asleep husband.... then I planned to blog this humiliating, disgusting story for all of your enjoyment, because it fits perfectly into my world view: if I must suffer through something hopefully at least someone else will get some joy out of it.... a good laugh, a little encouragement, or at least a "WOW! am I glad I didn't sit in a puddle of pee wearing only my underwear on Christmas Eve night!"

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night....stay tuned for more Christmas Day excitement.