What a DAY!

Sorry for the blog silence today. (I hope everyone has been able to access my twitter account.) I can hardly find the words (yes ME... Jami... the wordiest, gabbiest person you've ever met can't find the words) to describe the depth of my exhaustion right now. It all started Monday.


We had a VERY productive day in which I accomplished nearly everything on my pre-hospital to-do list. We had a very nice little impromptu cookout with friends and were proceeding nicely towards the end of a practically perfect day before surgery. [SCREECHING halth sound here]


An angry voicemail message reignited the warring over John's desire to have NO ONE (but me and his daughters) at the hospital during his surgery. It is in fact his desire to see NO ONE until he is fully conscious and managing his pain well. This desire has resulted in several confrontations with well-meaning loved ones who all think there should be one exception to his wishes...them. Over and over again during the past few weeks, he and I have had to firmly restate what HIS desire is and explain to others that this is about HIS wishes and what will make HIM most comfortable so HE can heal quickly and completely. Each confrontation has been difficult; however, this one on the eve of his surgery may have been the worst. The stress immediately reignited the stuttering he had been struggling with and when he got off the phone he was tired and a bit defeated.


From there things began to snowball. I was fielding WAY too many texts & phone calls, mostly about the confrontation. The house was coming together nicely, but many things remained to be done, and I was running out of time quickly! I finished packing Hannah's bag and decided to cut bait on my OCD need to pack all the kids bags myself. I started barking out orders to the boys, "2 pairs of play shorts, 2 pairs of nice shorts, 2 pairs of sweats, 2 pairs of jeans!" (YES! I realize we should only be in the hospital for about 4 days BUT our house is far, far away. I wanted them to be prepared.) As the boys packed their things, I decided to get started on mine & John's bag. In the middle of this I realized I never took out the kids AWANA uniforms. Ran down to storage to find them but OF COURSE one found, one lost. AHHHHHH! Long story short, it was about 11:30 p.m. before we were finally in bed.


Awoke at 4 a.m. to find that John had not slept a wink ALL night. We made it out the door and halfway to Milwaukee before I realized we had left ALL the carefully prepared lunches in the fridge. GRRRRRRR! I was ticked at myself!


Everything happened in such a whirlwind... We got to the hospital, Jodi took thekids, and we checked in. Shane stopped up to pray with us. Amber arrived. The anethesiologist was delayed. They whisked him away to surgery too quickly. Soon Amber and I were out in the waiting room and time slowed to a snail's pace. About halfway through the surgery I started to get a good case of the worries. I quickly text my mom and sisters for some prayer support. Even though it seemed like forever, before we knew it we were talking to the doctor. All had gone just as planned. John made it through like a champ. So we were directed to the Neuro ICU waiting room to wait more. By about 11:30 we were finally able to see him again. He was in considerable pain and it took quite some time to get his pain manageable. However, by dinnertime he was resting comfortably and the girls left.


There was no sleeping for me last night.... those recliners are the complete antithesis of comfortable. I finally found a couch to zonk out on for about an hour when they took him for a CT scan this a.m. but I am T-I-R-E-D!


Today John's mom came to sit (okay stand) with him for a few hours and I raced over to my parents house for a shower and to squeeze my kiddos. When I got back, the therapy people were here and they were AMAZED by how much John was able to do. First they got him seated on the edge of the bed. Then they got him standing. He did a lap around the ENTIRE unit, and then they put him seated in the chair. He is sleeping there now.


I miss him a lot. I'm right here by him, but I can't communicate more than a few sentences before he drifts off to sleep again. I long to TALK with him. When they sat him up, I started to get teary and asked if I could hug him. I just needed to be in his arms. This blogging thing is great, and we have SUCH a VAST network of support. Yet (no offense) I just want to process all my feelings with him. I just want his opinions. I just want to share with him. Soon enough Jami... Soon enough.


A few seconds to send a quick shout out to the AMAZING nursing staff at St. Luke's Neuro ICU. They are GREAT! They are taking such amazing care of John and me. We are blessed and give them the highest recommendation...if you ever wanna have your skull cut open :)


Don't know if I have the energy for many lessons/applications today, but I'll try.

1. A worried mind is the devil's playground. Yesterday about halfway through John's surgery I started to have these weird (almost like flashbacks but not stuff I had really seen) images flashing into my head. I could see John facedown with the back of his head cut open and his brain exposed. I started to get anxious. That's when I text my mom and sisters. They started sending me scripture and before I knew it I had calmed to the point that I could pray again. There are several situations in my life right now where Satan has a toehold. He assaults me with images, intuition type feelings, fears. If I give playtime to these attacks from the enemy, he gets control, and he sends more graphic images, stronger intuitive feelings, greater fears. If I turn to scripture, he is slain, silenced, defeated.

2. Focus on intent instead of effect. Well-meaning people can do a lot of damage. It's true. They can. I think, therefore, the most godly response is to focus on the intent the person had instead of the effect they had. All of these wars we have had to fight to institute John's healthcare directives... people weren't INTENDING to cause stress and pain. Not only that, but I am SURE that the effects of my actions of trying to enforce John's wishes and trying to keep the right people updated in the right order are not perfect. I intend to do well by John first and everyone else next, but I am sure I am missing the mark. I sure hope others will take the time to focus on my intent and to cut me some slack. Therefore, I need to do the same for them.

3. Things could be SO much worse. There's a family here I keep seeing in the Neuro ICU. I don't know there story, but I can tell it is not good by their demeanor. As exhausted as I am, as much pain as John is in, as serious as this is, I can still praise God that we did not get an inoperable or terminal diagnosis.


Okay that's about all I have the strength for. I gotta try to get some rest quick. Keep following the tweets and keep the prayers coming!