The Hill

Yesterday was such a grueling day. I had been trying to go to bed since about 8:45 p.m, and at least two different times I had laid my head on my pillow about to collapse into unconsciousness. Earlier in the day Jeremiah had taken a BAD spill on his bike. He had a decent gash on his knee. We had determined that it did not need stitches; however, because it was on the bending part of his knee, it was not looking good. He came into our room so we could check it. It looked bad! I asked John if we needed to run him in for stitches, but he said he thought we could get away with some tape stitching.

Exhausted, depleted and wearied, I prepared myself to travel to Hartford to get tape stitches. But then John said, “Wait! I think Ben said he had some.” Sure enough! Neighbors to the rescue! The Borkenhagens had some tape stitches and liquid bandage and gauze. On somewhat of an auto pilot, I traveled down the hill to their house.

Now lest you think the next part is simply an exaggeration because of complete delirium caused by exhaustion, let me stop to say: my driveway is a VICIOUS hill! Everytime Stacey or I walk up it to my house we say, “Gosh! I have GOT to get in better shape!” It is wicked, steep and tough to walk up (or drive up)… [c’mon! all you who have driven up it and thought, “How the crud are they going to get up this thing in the winter?” shout out in a blog comment and back me up here!!!!]

So after retrieving the tape stitches I started back towards my house. As I climbed the very slight hill in Ben & Stacey’s yard I thought, “Ohmigosh! I have to climb THE HILL!” I started dreading it. As my feet hit the pavement of the road that separates our houses, tears sprung to my eyes. By the time I reached my mailbox, I was really and truly crying. I stepped foot on the rocks of my drive, and I feel like I literally heard it…. God’s voice. He said, “Jami, climb! Just climb! Don’t look back (and think about lying down in the road)! Don’t worry about how you’re going to get to the top! Put one foot in front of you and climb!” It was the oddest thing. I got to the top of the hill and set foot on my porch with less effort than I EVER have before. I was less winded. I was less tired. On a good day, when I hadn’t spent 4 hours working, 8 hours in doctors appointments and 3 hours in posting medical updates and answering emails, it was MUCH more difficult to get up that hill. I came in the house and told John, “God just carried me up the driveway. He really did."

As I laid down on my pillow exhausted and ready to pass out, all the lessons of that experience started flooding my brain and I thought, “Gosh I hope I don’t forget these by tomorrow! This is going to make a great blog.” I’m sure that the life application of this one is not that difficult for all of you to make. The hill represents this journey through brain surgery. (You got that WAY before I said it right?) I needed to physically walk that hill and get to the top not nearly as exhausted to be reminded that God will get us to the top of this hill not nearly as exhausted as we should be after such a climb. I needed to hear Him say, “Jami, climb! Just climb! Don’t look back (and think about lying down in the road)! Don’t worry about how you’re going to get to the top! Put one foot in front of you and climb!”

This hill in front of my family, no one in the world is denying that it is formidable. In the natural eyes, it looks insurmountable: brain surgery, being out of work without pay during recovery, mom who works from home and homeschools now gets to throw in nursing a sick husband back to health to her list of things to do. Good thing that we don’t have to climb this hill in the natural. Good thing we have a loving God who will pick us up and carry us to the top if we just keep looking forward and if we just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31

Lucy! You got some essplainin' to do!

As I sit here at my desk, scraped knee throbbing and twisted ankle aching, I am pondering the realization I came to last night: I often feel like my life is an episode of I Love Lucy. Now I don't have too many recollections of specific episodes of I Love Lucy. In fact, the only one I can pull up right now had Lucy & Ethel working in a candy factory, and in order to keep up with the conveyor line they were stuffing candies into their mouths. That's all I've got. However, I do remember the entire gist of the show was Lucy (and typically Ethel) getting into trouble and just having CHAOS ensue all around her. Here's the episode of I Love Jami that played out yesterday.

To set the scene, I have had a DIFFICULT week and a half or so, which started with a ton of emotional "re-healing," on the heels of which came my baby girl developing pneumonia, all throughout this time my work has been stressing me out to the point I fear I will stroke out, and then throw in a dash of normal Kastner Kraziness: a diorama had to be made for AWANA, Hannah's Cubbies' vest has been missing for two weeks, the wash machine has been broken for three weeks, we had to scrape together the money to get current on the van payment this week OR ELSE, and on top of all that, I decided to start working out to get back into shape. I haven't been drinking NEARLY enough coffee to compensate for these occurrences, but the exercise endorphins have been helping.

Soooooooooooooooooo.... I spent the day yesterday working. I sent out eight reports!!! (that's VERY good.... trust me.... typical would be 2 or 3) I also ROCKED our homeschooling world with my new rule: NO TV or Xbox until EVERY bit of school is done! The only TV break they took (in order to give me time to wrap up a little more work) was to watch a documentary on Australia I found on Netflix. By 1 p.m. we were done with school and by 4 p.m., I had gotten in nearly six hours of work! I was CRUISING!

I was bound and determined to workout even though tonight was AWANA and that was going to put some boundaries on my time frame. So at 4:30 I took off down the cul-de-sac on the cardio portion of my workout. As I traveled down the street, I saw there was a house for sale. Out of curiosity, I picked up a flyer and then to be funny, I started texting the details to my sister. I said, "Wanna move? 222K.... 3 BR... 3 bath... 1.25 acres..." POW! The pain hit me like a freight truck, from out of nowhere! Texting while walking is apparently just as dangerous as texting while driving for someone like Lucy (I mean Jami). I had veered too far to the left and stepped off the pavement onto the rocky shoulder, rolling my ankle and CRASHING to the ground forcefully. My ankle was twisted, my knee scraped, and my hands were burning (I had my gloves off so I could text better). I got up quickly and started hobbling towards home. It must have been the exercise endorphins or something, but it wasn't feeling too bad so I finished my first lap and started my second. They started wearing off in the second lap though, and I had to hobble back up my driveway.... AHHHHHHHHHHHH! to the house and RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) my ankle.

After 15 minutes of RICE, I had to get up and get to work on dinner. I went to the kitchen sink to wash my hands and flipped the faucet to on. sputter, sputter, SPUT! No water came out. I don't know why (call it mother's intuition) but the FIRST thing that flew through my mind was (HANNAH!!!!!!) Somehow in my spirit, I just knew this was her work. I checked under the kitchen sink to see if the tube to the faucet was crimped. Nope! Then I went to the mudroom to check if a breaker was tripped. Nope! I traveled to all the other faucets on the first floor to see if any of them had water. Nope! Finally, destination downstairs I checked the basement bathroom faucet. Nope! Just too investigate ALL options (even though I still suspected Hannah) I checked the well/septic tank meter thingy...green light is good. Nope! I called John and went to accuse the boys of messing with something outside. Nope! They hadn't done ANYTHING (well that remains to be seen, but they weren't the water culprits. They were just playing in the quickly disappearing snow).

John said he would finish up one thing at work and head home early. I left a message for the landlord and then got an idea. If this was a problem with the well, then the other two homes that share our well should be having water troubles too. So I hobbled up the hill to the first house, trying to baby my ankle but not having much luck as the bending of my knee brought misery too. No one was home. I continued on to the second house starting to huff and puff from the exertion of climbing this hilly terrain with an injury on each leg. They had water. So it wasn't the well.

All the way back to my house the thought, "Hannah did something. Hannah did something." kept echoing in my brain. I decided to take one more look. I went into the furnace room (which just so happened to have a burnt out light and I therefore could not see anything) and was drawn (in the dark) to this orange lever. Somehow I just felt like this might be the problem. However, keep in mind, I am NO plumber. I actually had no idea if this lever controlled gas, water, or even sewage. But something inside me said, "Turn it!" As I gently turned it, I heard something liquid starting to rush through the pipe. I quickly turned it back to the starting place. I sent Noah upstairs with instructions to try the kitchen faucet and then turned the lever again. Voila! We had water! The water main shut off is in the hallway outside my office (the furnace room). It is LITERALLY at Hannah's elbow level (about two feet off the ground). I am POSITIVE that while standing outside my office in the "Knock and wait for Momma to finish her work call" posture, she just got bored and decided to play with that lever. AHHHHHHHHH! Crisis number 2 solved.

Racing upstairs barking orders to don AWANA clothes and jackets, find AWANA books, and GET IN THE CAR, I also placed calls to John and the landlord informing them the problem had been solved. As I was heading for the door to get in the minivan, Noah came rushing in, "We forgot to put the seats back in the van!" The boys had cleaned the van on Monday, and now we were down the entire back row of seats because they forgot to put them back! With no time to wrestle that stupid seat (which is ANYTHING but easy to remove and reinstall) I instructed Noah to just ride in the front seat with the seat slightly reclined (Something I RARELY do.... I promise! Do NOT turn me in to the seat belt police!) We headed off for AWANA and that was when the realization hit me, "My life is like an episode of I Love Lucy!" However, my conveyor belt wasn't finished moving quickly yet.... There was still time in this episode for a cherry on top of the sundae.

I dropped the kids at AWANA (somehow in the chaos Hannah had left her book at home so now she was minus her missing vest AND minus her book). I hobbled back to the car and returned home to see how John was doing installing my new under-the-sink water filtration system which had arrived just today. Here it is.... here's the cherry: The system we received was damaged. It couldn't be installed. We'd have to go through a return/exchange process and wait for a new one to arrive. I collapsed into my chair... throbbing knee, aching ankle, tightening back and shoulder (when you're old falling has widespread effects which aren't always initially noticed) SCREAMING and sighed. "Well, tomorrow's a brand new day," I thought.

I woke up this morning itching to get this I Love Lucy blog live. I had NO idea what lesson I was going to spin this into. I just knew that I had suffered through that sitcom-like evening, and I was going to get some mileage out of it! About halfway through typing this, Noah (the first one awake today) came downstairs. Last night, he went to sleep watching Facing the Giants, and now he had something written down his arm (from shoulder to wrist). He proudly displayed his homemade tattoo and told me it was his new motto. "Never give up. Never back down. Never lose faith." That was my lesson! It's the lesson you are all supposed to learn from "watching" this episode of I Love Jami. NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH.

That's what I'm gonna do.

NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH.

Another terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.....

I have to chronicle this day... It is another one of those, "You MUST be making this UP!" kinda days.  But with God as my witness I swear that every word I am about to type is true. In fact there are even a couple of private, non-sharable things in ADDITION to all that I'm putting out there for the whole world to read that take the day to an even deeper depth of despair.

This day started much the same as the rest.... I awoke at the butt-crack of dawn to take John to work. He has had a HORRIBLE week. Hasn't felt right all week. VERY VERY dizzy... One day, he walked into a wall which caused enough concern that I called him in sick that day. Before he got out of bed this morning, I asked if I should call him in sick. He said, "No." One more time when we were halfway to the bus stop, I asked, "Should we turn around and go home?" He said, "No." He wanted to tough it out. He could work.

I came home and started RACING through my day... tons of work leftover from the day before... a bunch of stuff I needed to do for cheer..... all the while directing the kids through their chores and independent lesson parts.

Around 11ish I think it was, I got a call from John. He was not feeling well AT ALL. So dizzy he could hardly function, bad stomach ache, horrible headache.  I told him to get on the next bus and COME HOME!  He had his momma come and get him. She brought him ALL THE WAY home.

I continued on trying to get my work done, making dinner before we left for cheer, now nursing him, etc... Fielded at least three calls from the dr.'s office and four from the pharmacy. Took in some bad news that will make my life even MORE hectic. Hopped in the car to head for cheer. A little more bad news came my way (oh and SEVERAL more dr/pharmacy calls).

After cheer I ran one of my cheerleaders home and then returned to the school to wait for the boys' b-ball practice to end. I pulled the kids out of practice 10 minutes early to try to make it back to Hartford to pick up all of John's prescriptions before the pharmacy closed. All the way there we prayed and prayed and PRAYED... "Please God let us get there before the pharmacy closes!" When I realized we were going to be a few minutes past closing time, I called and they said they would keep the pharmacy open for me! WOW!

I flew into Walmart just a few minutes after 9, grabbed John's scrips and then as long as I was there, grabbed a few groceries and the rest of the Christmas presents I needed.

On the way home from Walmart less than 5 miles from my house, my tire blew. So there I was one of my top 3 worst nightmares coming true: stranded in between two cornfields on a dark country road. [In high school I made the mistake of watching Children of the Corn... driving in the country night has NEVER been easy for me, and this was what I had ALWAYS feared.] But here's the best part: I was stranded just miles from my house, but my hubby couldn't even come help me. Even if he decided to try to drive the broken down Buick (which we aren't sure even runs anymore) ILLEGALLY because he currently is not allowed to drive, he prolly couldn't even get down the driveway because he is SO dizzy!

I sat there with the cornfields closing in trying to figure out what to do. I called the tow truck.... (ohmigosh!!!!! Collete from Reliable is an angel walking around with skin on!!!!!) called John... texted my sisters and mom... and tried to call my neighbor. Sent her one cryptic text, "Can you call if you're up... stranded on Madison."  I was talking to my sister about how this could REALLY not be happening. There is no way this day could be real! I'm likely walking around in a bad dream I just can't seem to wake up from. When all of a sudden over the hill came the first pair of headlights I had seen all night. I said, "Jodi, pray this is my neighbor." The lights approached and then STARTED TO SLOW!!! It was! It was! It WAS my neighbor!

She took Noah and Jeremiah back to the house (they were btw TERRIFIED... Jeremiah had his hands over his face and was praying the whole time. Noah kept asking me to turn the radio up, attempting to appear strong but very, VERY scared of being stranded in the dark.) Then she even came back to keep me company until the tow truck arrived (she's heard about my cornfield phobia MANY TIMES).

Collette towed me back home so we could unload the minivan and then drove off with our only real form of transportation attached to her tow truck. I don't really have words to explain how vulnerable I feel right now. I literally can't even drive someone to the hospital if they need it. I am terrified and left virtually alone as John is completely unconscious (the way he has been most of the day from his ailment).

After being dropped off I busied myself with emptying my Walmart bags. I lifted the first one off the ground and it split apart, spilling its contents all over the floor... and that was when the tears started threatening to fall. I held them back until the kids were in bed... but now the typing of this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad story is dragging them out of me.

So here... in my bed... pecking away at my laptop... tears STREAMING down my face and hope nowhere to be found... Here's what I have to say... here's what is in my heart:

I know... my Redeemer lives... I know my Redeemer lives... All of creation testifies... this life within me cries... I know my Redeemer lives...

I don't know why that is the song that is on my heart right now. Maybe because in the midst of all this chaos... in the midst of a blown tire that may have resulted in a damaged rim... in the midst of messed up anti-seizure meds that have left my husband foggy and unable to function... in the midst of the ick and filth and mess and YUCK of this day... I KNOW MY REDEEMER LIVES!


Nothing Satan can throw at me will change my mind. Nothing that happens to me can alter that fact...

I KNOW MY REDEEMER LIVES!


Goodnight everyone.

Wait....

Yesterday John had his follow up appointment with the neurosurgeon.... the word we got was, "Wait." Just "wait." No answers.  No understanding.  Very little hope.  Just "wait."

Apparently the scans reveal that his fusions look great.... the pictures didn't give insight to why he has so much soreness and weakness and numbness going on. The doctor had no answer for why John can hardly use his arms. Just "wait."

John is out of work for another week (be still my wavering heart), and next Saturday he will have an angiogram to see if something is restricting the blood flow in this area. If something is found,  I guess we have yet ANOTHER surgery (trembly knees STOP knocking). Just "wait."

I'm having a hard time getting a read on where john is with all this.  I mean I know he is tired of this seemingly never-ending trail of medical woes.... but I can't tell if he's hopeful or nervous or defeated. My guess is he has a little bit of all three (and more) emotions running through his heart right now.

Me?  Well I feel like those times in a movie when someone is dangling off the edge of a cliff or gripping the edge of a building.... and their hand is slipping with just their fingertips impossibly clinging to the very edge... and then out of nowhere the larger than life hero swoops in and grabs them by the wrist, and you know it will be okay.  You aren't exactly sure yet how the hero is going to get that person off the side of the cliff/building, but you know that the day has been saved.

See while I can see all the stuff in the GREAT expanse I'm dangling over (another week without pay,  the possibility of ANOTHER surgery,  the fear that John's pain, weakness,  soreness and numbness might not be solvable, the pain and discouragement in my husband's eyes) I also know FULL well that this isn't just some action-movie hero grasping my hand and keeping me from plummeting into the depths.  It is the God of ALL the universe Who has me in His capable grip. And if I should have to tumble down the hill of another OR waiting room, or even crash onto the rocks of him NEVER being allowed to return to work, even if I drown in the sea of losing my love,  He will BE RIGHT THERE to brush me off, to pick me up, to resuscitate me, even to carry me home to glory...

I've been WEARING out this song by Kari Jobe.... It is like a life preserver buoying my soul through this most recent storm...

Sometimes, I just sing this part over and over:

I am not alone
I am not alone
I am not alone
I am not alone
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not thrilled with this "wait" answer (although I will admit that "wait" is a much better answer to the question, "Will John EVER return to work?" than "no" would be.) I'm not excited to be dangling over this cliff, trying hard to focus on the Hand that is grabbing me instead of the rocks and waves below.  But I am so glad that we are NOT alone in this "wait."  He will NEVER leave us.

So "wait" we will.... hoping and praying that God will help us to be faithful as we wait... we so desperately want our children, the doctors and nurses, my blog readers, EVERYONE we come in contact with to see God glorified through this "wait." Beyond that, we are praying, "not our will but Your will be done."

I am Not Alone

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own

You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in this storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul

Perseverance

Last night John and I watched the movie Lone Survivor. I'm not sure I can in good conscience reccomend the movie.  It's quite brutal.... the gore of war... the LANGUAGE of soldiers... most of all the TERROR that one day that could be MY military-loving boy doing that.  It was pretty intense!  I feel like my ears need to be washed out with soap after all those cuss words, and I stopped the movie at one point to BEG my child NOT to choose that path.  However, that SECULAR, brutal movie had a message for my soul.

I'm pretty sure these aren't going to be spoilers. Heck,  the title of the movie pretty much tells the end,  right?...even if you never heard the story of this group of Navy SEALs...  But just in case,  I'm warning you... this blog will give away parts of the movie.

The mission of this group of SEALs is compromised, and they have a choice before them.  Basically they can choose to do the morally right thing which will be HARD, or they can save their own butts and save their mission by doing the wrong thing.  Their leader chooses the moral high ground with DISASTROUS results. And here's where my sermon began. Sometimes doing the right thing has UNPLEASANT results. Sometimes the moral high ground is rocky and FULL of Taliban soldiers with RPGs. BUT just because you suffer HORRIBLY doesn't make the moral high ground a wrong choice. Right is ALWAYS right, even when it's hard. Sometimes doing the right thing just makes the enemy RAGE against you even harder. But it is ALWAYS good to choose what is RIGHT and even if you lose for choosing it, if you honor God by choosing right you will win in the end.

At one point in the movie all four of these SEALs are wounded.  They have tumbled down not one,  but TWO rocky mountain sides. They've been shot.  One guy was shot in the BACK OF THE HEAD. Another guy had all the fingers on one hand shot off. BUT. THEY. STILL. KEEP. GOING. They NEVER quit. They're trying to reach flat ground so they can more easily fight the enemy. They get separated from one guy, and the Taliban catches him. These men...  battered, bruised, shot, exhausted.... do you know what they do?  They don't turn tail and run. They don't write their guy off and save themselves.  They TURN AROUND and start pushing back UP THE HILL to save their guy.  AMAZING! INCREDIBLE! This goes WAY beyond being a hero.  But yet isn't this what Christ is calling us to EVERY day. Lay down our lives to show Jesus to a dying world in the hopes that we might save just ONE man.

The movie was superbly meaningful to me.  I wept. I learned. I was inspired.  And I just want to say,  "Lord, I will keep choosing right.  No matter how wrong this world thinks I am. I will NEVER stop doing what You are calling me to. No matter how hard Satan rages against me. I will persevere!"

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.
James 1:12

Lessons I learned from Mercy

I need to begin this blog with a HUGE disclaimer. I am NOT a cat person. I really am not. I can hardly stand cats. In fact (as MANY would tell you), I might have even been heard saying, "The only good cat is a dead cat." I really do not like cats. Okay, finished with the disclaimer. Here's the story:

About two weeks ago, a stray cat followed the kids home from a bike ride. What I didn't know then was that it was just the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" storyline being played out in front of my eyes. As John and I decorated the Christmas tree (something the kids were supposed to be helping with), they sat out on the driveway petting the cat and playing with the cat.

"She's hungry Momma." was the first step in my slippery slide down the hill. I gave in out of love for my babies, not out of any affinity for this cat. We gave her a can of tuna and a saucer of milk. She set up an abode underneath our front porch, and the kids started calling her Lucky. After about two days, it was time for Elijah's tonsil surgery so Riri came out to the country to watch the other kids. She brought along with her a water dish, food dish and a bunch of cat food. I guess that was step two...

I can't remember the exact timeline, it is all so foggy and seems like it was forever, not just a few weeks. Eventually (we theorize because we were leaving her food outside) she got into a scuffle with another animal. One morning we found her face all gashed up and her nose bleeding. We let her move into the garage to keep her safe and let her heal from whatever predator had attacked her. John and I rationalized, we can have an outside cat and not be cat people. At that point, I announced that Lucky was a lame name, and we needed a real name. We decided upon Mercy because in our dreams the dog we'll have is named Gracie, and Grace and Mercy go so well together. We moved her food and water into the garage, gave her a camp chair and a few blankets to sleep on, and opened the door during the day for her to "do her business."

Our setup became problematic when the weather started turning colder. The day that I found her water bowl frozen solid was the day we knew we were in over our heads. We moved Mercy inside and set her up in the mudroom. In breezed Riri, with a litter box, toys, canned cat food, a brush... all the goodies the spoiling Aunt has right at her fingertips (at least after a quick trip to Target). The kids were in heaven. They would sit and pet Mercy forever.

Mercy was a GREAT cat. She was not like other cats. She wasn't snobby or persnickety. She was friendly and patient. She was great with the kids. She would let Hannah manhandle her and love on her, and she never got mean. She must have been someones cat who had been abandoned or something, because she immediately knew what the liter box was and used it consistently from the beginning. She was a dream cat (if there is such a thing).

We always kinda knew that Mercy was sick. When she first showed up, I told John, this cat just came here looking for somewhere to die. So when we decided to let her come live inside, we determined she would have to take a trip to the vet in order to make sure she wasn't a danger to the children. The vet did not have good news. Likely Mercy had a terminal condition that wasn't treatable, but nothing that could be transmitted to the children. We could try to clear up her infections with antibiotics and keep her for awhile. So we tried. That was Monday.

So there I was (NOT the cat person) squirting antibiotics down this cat's throat twice a day and wiping away her bloody buggers. I mean SERIOUSLY?!?!?! John was humoring me, but I know he was thinking, "Who is this crazy cat lady who has taken over my wife's body?" The medicine seemed to be working. We could hear Mercy sneezing a lot, and she seemed to be clearing some of the mucus from her lungs and nose.

Then yesterday, she climbed in her litter box and wouldn't get out. She sat in there much of the day. It was awful. I explained to the children that she was likely going to die soon, and she knew it. She would let us pet her, but if we tried to pick her up she'd bare her teeth and make a little pitiful sound like, "Please don't. It hurts too much." I was a wreck. The triple assault of watching this creature suffer, realizing I had fallen for this dumb cat and was now going to lose her, and knowing that this would break my babies' hearts was too much for me. I cried all day.

I struggled to find something to do for her. We could not afford to put her down (the vet said it would be nearly $100). No Humane Society would help me because we live in a "non-contracted" area. Part of how we ended up in this jam was because we had called the contracted "dog catcher" guy for Hubbard earlier in this saga, and he never called us back. We prayed for Mercy and that God would help us find a way to help her, and I tried one more time to reach the Hubbard animal guy. Miraculously, I reached his wife. I think my tears helped plead my case for once. She assured me he would call as soon as he returned from work. Mercy left with the animal man at 4:10 p.m. last night. We were devastated but not left without many lessons learned.

1. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death (James 1:15) I am not saying Mercy was sin; however, I am saying, if you don't want to have a cat.... if you don't want to be a "cat person".... do NOT (I repeat) do NOT feed a stray cat. Don't even pet it. Don't even look at it. The parallels here are too clear not to be applied! If you don't want to have sex before your married, don't take your clothes off. If you don't want to become addicted to drugs, don't smoke even your first joint. If you don't want to cheat on your husband, don't spend any time with a man you are not married to. If you want to avoid sin, do NOT entertain it! Don't give it even one second of your time. Because if you let it get just one tiny little paw into your front yard, before you know it that thing will be sleeping on your couch, and you'll be wiping the bloody mucus from it's nose. Trust me! I know some of you are saying, "Not me! I hate cats!" or "Not me! I love my spouse!" or "Not me! I don't drink, smoke or chew or go with boys who do!" But let me tell you: If it can happen to the greatest cat hater of all, it can happen to you.

2. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9) God sure works in mysterious ways I tell you. Me falling for this cat reminded me of this unexpected friendship that came my way. I had determined in my heart to hate this girl. She had taken my place. She was the new (and MUCH better) cheer coach at HCS, and I was still bitter about having my job, my calling, my ministry ripped from my grip. But in breezed Shannon Michelle and it was all over. She and I "clicked" like peanut butter and jelly. Still now... ten years later she is one of my BFFs. God works in mysterious ways. I never thought I'd love a cat. But I did, and because I kept my heart open to the unexpected I gleaned a lot of good things.

3. Why you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (James 4:14) Mercy really seemed to be on the upswing this week. Then all of a sudden she veered suddenly and started declining rapidly. Life is like that too you know. All is going well and then without much warning, it is lying shattered at your feet. We had such a short time with Mercy before she was gone, but we enjoyed every moment with her and we loved her and gave her a little taste of Heaven before she succumbed to her illness. So the lesson I take from that??? Suck up every second like it is your last. Savor every moment you have with the ones you love because before you know it your time may be up. I have had two relationships like this. Two very intense friendships that came seemingly out of nowhere and overtook my life. Two "BFFs" who became indispensable within a matter of minutes and then after not very long left my life with a heart-shattering "BAM!" I have really learned to just be grateful for every second I have... with Mercy, with my friends, and with my family. Because I know that sickness, death, or betrayal can rip those things from your grip in an instant, and I never want to be left regretting the fact that I didn't cherish what I had when it was there.

4. The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40) Being kind can never be wrong. It just can't. It might hurt in the end. You might end up with your heart torn to shreds and bleeding profusely, but it can NEVER be wrong to be kind. Recently, I made a kind gesture that was rebuked and thrown right back in my face. At first, I was so angry. The sting of the rejection really hurt. But then I realized, I wouldn't change one thing I had done because I had been kind and that was a good thing. Right now as I sit here a little bruised and battered from having known and loved Mercy, I realize that I wouldn't change one thing. It hurt like heck to let her go, and it hurts like heck still as just a few moments ago I had to console Elijah through a storm of tears after he asked, "Mom, why did Mercy have to go to sleep?" But I am glad we were kind to this tiny little creature. I am glad we gave her love and warmth and food for her last days on this earth.

Okay so I'm finally to the end of this long-winded blog. Please do not mistake me, I am still NOT a cat person. However, I think I may amend my famous saying, "The only good cat is Mercy."

Worship Wednesday: God of this City

You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

A family is a city. That's what I ALWAYS think of when I sing this part. It's not that I don't care about my city, state, nation. It's just that God continually calls my heart to thoughts of this "city" John and I are building here. He is the God of THIS city (the Kastner family). He is the King of THESE people (the Kastner family). He is the Lord of THIS nation (the Kastner family). I have this strong and abiding conviction that John and I are building something GREAT here in this thing called the Kastner family.

Sunday morning I prepared to resume walking after my Lucy-like episode which resulted in a twisted ankle. I started out down the hill and not even halfway down, I stepped in a pothole and rolled my SAME ankle! I stood there ankle throbbing and told Jeremiah, who was preparing to bike while I walked, "I hurt myself I have to go back in." He started to walk towards me, and I said, "Oh honey, you don't have to walk me back up I can do it." He said, "No, Mom, I wanted to pray for you." He is the God of THIS family. He is!

You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are

I believe this "city" John and I are building is something so great that it threatens Satan. I believe that's part of why we have had to overcome so much. I think Satan attacks those who pose the greatest threat to him. For about three weeks now, I have been walking down a dark and deep valley. I have scraped my knee on the rock of logical consequences. I have rolled my ankle in the pothole of past sins. I have wrenched my back tripping over the little rocks Satan keeps tossing in my path just because he can. I can see my house in the distance, far away, behind the fog.... I'm trying to plod on to get to my safe haven, still safety is so far away. But there He is in the darkness; lighting the way. There He is when it's hopeless; giving me hope. There He is when the storm rages; giving me peace.

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

NO ONE! There is NO ONE like our God. NO ONE! There is NO ONE else who created an entire universe. There is NO ONE else who is perfect, all-knowing, all-powerful, omnipresent. There is NO ONE else who stepped down from a heavenly throne to walk this earth as a common man only to DIE to set us free from our sins. There is NO ONE else who rose again. There is NO ONE else who can get me through this day. There is NO ONE else who deserves my praise.

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City

Greater things have yet to come. And greater things are still to be done in THIS city (the Kastner family). I cling to my tattered, weather-beaten, torn up hope that GREATER THINGS HAVE YET TO COME for the Kastner family. He DOES have a plan for this family. It IS a plan to give us HOPE and a FUTURE. I will NOT let Satan steal my hope. I will not!

Because you know what??? Even if this is all the Kastner family EVER experiences for the rest of our time here on earth: medical woes, financial struggles, relational issues.... There is something so much greater when this life is done. So whether we see the greater things here on earth or in eternity, they WILL come. They WILL!

I hope you have a WONDERFUL Worship Wednesday. If this song doesn't do it for you, maybe the knowledge that Friday is just one more day away will. Have a great day!

More on weeds...

I mowed the lawn today.... and I have more to say about weeds.... I know... I know!  I talk a lot about weeds.  Kinda seems like all I do is garden, but with 1.89 acres to care for, weeds figure into the equation quite a bit.

Our lawn is actually a quite frightful sight right now. I keep praying that God will water it for us because moving a sprinkler around a 2 acre lot is not only wasteful it just might give a passing environmentalist a heart attack! Our lawn is more brown than green right now, and the patch on top of the septic hill is COMPLETE hay. We just haven't gotten much rain lately and things have gone a little dormant. The lawn really actually didn't need to be mowed except for the WEEDS!  DARN WEEDS!

Out in the country we have these noxious things. They start out looking like a pricker plant, but in the BLINK OF AN EYE this stick grows up from the center of the pricker plant shooting up to about 2 feet tall in no time at all. So while our grass is brown and nearly dormant barely in need of mowing, the weeds scattered ALL over our lawn needed to be mowed and were nearly as high as the riding lawn mower. So I put the mowing deck on the second highest setting and set out to mow my weeds.

As I mowed I marveled at how what I want to grow (my grass) is dormant and near death and what I want to  go away (the weeds) is thriving and vibrant. I also marveled at how as I ran over them, many of the weeds resisted the mowing blade having found solace under the tire of the mower until after the blade passed. I mowed the WHOLE lawn yet still there are a good 30 of those plants, mocking me with their 18" height.

How like life huh? What we want to grow (faith, hope, love, patience, kindness) has to be coddled and watered and fed and babied just to show the TINIEST shade of growth.  And what we want to slay (greed, selfishness, pride, anger, lewdness) fights our every attempt to annihilate it. On a daily basis we have to cultivate what we WANT in our lives: pure speech, peace, trust and at the same time we have to fight the urge to cuss, fret, vent, and SCREAM!  Left to itself, the lawn of our hearts would be just like my lawn... dormant, dead, brown grass with knee-high weeds thriving across it.

There is no easy way out of this dilemma. Only hard, back breaking work will bring about that which is good in our souls. Only daily Bible reading, continual prayer, and CONSTANT choices to REJOICE in our trials will give us a heart as pure as gold. Only minute-by-minute slaying our selves, laying down our wills, and FIGHTING Satan tooth & nail will get rid of the dross that floats on the top of our hearts.

My lawn problem isn't solved. I should probably get a TON of weed killer and go on an all out WAR against those evil little things.... But my war against the problem with my heart has new wind beneath its sail. Fighting those weeds encouraged me to fight my sins, to fight against the devil, and to rail against my own selfish desires.

Hope you enjoyed this little bit of John-Deere inspiration.  Now go fight some weeds!

An ode to my amazing husband....

 First a tiny little marriage moment for everyone: In the Love Dare, it talks about how your heart has two rooms for your spouse

1. the appreciation room: the place where you store all the great, loving, romantic things your spouse has done... such as remembering your birthday, bringing you flowers just because, taking care of you when you were sick

2. the depreciation room: the place where you store the memories of the icky things they have done... forgeting a special anniversary, hateful words said in the heat of an argument, etc...

The book encourages spouses to flee the depreciation room whenever they find themselves in there rehashing all the horrible things ever done and to spend as much time in the appreciation room as possible.

So this morning I found myself standing in the appreciation room admiring many things about my husband, and I thought.... "hmmm...I should proclaim some of these things from the mountain top... what an awesome way to let my husband know all the great things I'm thinking about him then to post them for all of creation to read." So here goes.....

This morning my husband arose at 6:15 a.m. He is a bit under the weather and is fighting off some sort of bug, but still he dragged himself into his work clothes and departed the house only a few minutes late to head off to job number one. He will work his full shift there and then draf himself off to job number two to work another eight hour shift. During the weeks that he feels healthy, he usually makes it until about Wednesday before feeling as if he can't wait until the weekend, but this week he is already there. But still on he goes trudging off to work to provide for his family in spite of how grueling it is.

I have a hard time explaining how incredibly loved this makes me feel. He is exhausted. He misses us. He gets absolutely NO down time during the week and only 5 hours of sleep each weeknight, and he willingly does all of this because he loves us. It is a rare thing to be loved so extravagantly. I am so proud of him and so grateful that my children have a father who is modeling for them responsibility and a strong work ethic.

Sooooo I just came up with an idea.... it is a challenge to everyone on my facebook list who has a spouse.... you know those 25 things lists circulating.... I challenge you to do this: make a list of 25 things about your spouse that you appreciate.... post it here on facebook for all to read... tag your spouse and a bunch of your friends who have spouses.... if you get tagged DO IT! I bet it will make your spouses day!


25 things I appreciate about John J. Kastner
1. he is the hardest working man I have ever in my life known
2. no matter how destitute we are, he will still give the shirt off his back to help someone else out
3. he loves Jesus with all of his heart, soul, mind and body
4. he loves me so extravagantly....if he has only $10 left for 2 weeks and I want chips & salsa, he will go and spend that last $10 on me without even batting an eye
5. he is fiercely loyal
6. he loves his children and will do anything for them
7. he is very straightforward...you ALWAYS know exactly where you stand with him
8. inspite of the crusty exterior shell, he is nothing but a big softy underneath
9. he relates VERY well to teenagers....loving them no matter what their faults and holding them accountable no matter how difficult that might be
10. he is a big child always playing, joking, and having fun
11. he shouts AMEN in church when the sermon is good even though right now our church is ridiculously quiet and passive... he doesn't care if it speaks to him, if it deserves an AMEN he's gonna shout it no matter how dead and quiet the sanctuary is
12. he dreams BIG dreams and believes GREAT things of God (and me)
13. he thinks I'm HOT even though one can hardly find the normal person I used to be inside this fat girl body
14. he could beat the crap out of anyone he came in contact with....this makes me feel VERY safe...
15. he is really HOT (for his age...right Amanda?)
16. he pays attention to the little comments I make and then turns those into nice things to do for me....if I say hmmm I've always LOVED Faith Hill.... before I know it he'll surprise me with her new CD.
17. he is my ROCK in times of chaos.... when the kids split their head open or knock a tooth crooked.... he is ever calm and he knows IMMEDIATELY if we should rush to the hospital or take care of it ourselves
18. he is tough, tough, tough but not afraid to be sensitive too
19. he puts up with all my crazy fears and worries
20. he is FIERCLY jealous....that makes me feel valuable to him
21. he sacrificed his truck and his car in order to cut costs
22. he ALWAYS wears socks.... I just think this quirky thing is adorable
23. he "cleans up" real nice
24. he is an AWESOME griller....everything he puts on our Weber is DELECTABLE!
25. he is teaching our boys to be gentlemen (I don't care if this ticks off any feminists out there.... I LOVE it!)

Weeds....

I have become such a John Deere girl! (Okay my riding lawn mower is a Yard King or something like that, but you get my drift right?) See it's become my job to mow the mammoth of a yard we now have. John works so much. Every night (except Monday) he arrives home between 8 and 9. Saturdays he works a full eight hour day. His only real day off is Sunday, and that is church day and a well-deserved Sabbath too. So it has become the Momma's job to mow the 1.89 acre lawn, and guess what? I actually LOVE it! Idk why... I think cuz it's mindless and no one can interrupt me, and because the lawn stays neatly mowed just a little bit longer than the kitchen floor stays spotless after a mopping.

Anywhoo... I was mowing on Tuesday, and I came up over a hill in the backyard and caught sight of a beautiful patch of overgrown grass polka-dotted with bright yellow dandelions. At first the beauty of the sight took my breath away, but very shortly thereafter, God hit me with a POW! of a lesson. Even as my eyes took in the beauty of the green with splashes of yellow and my heart swelled at the appreciation of the beauty of God's creation, my brain started to kick in and say, "Ummm Jami... Those are weeds." I thought about how just a few weeks ago there wasn't a dandelion in sight. Then one day, Elijah brought me a fistful of "flowers." I thought, "Hmmm dandelion time." Before I knew it... there were patches everywhere. Dandelions were covering my lawn.

God got me thinking about sin. One minute everything is hunky dory. Then sin pokes its head up and if you don't do something about it, before you know it, your whole "lawn" is covered with dandelions.

I've had several applications of this thought called to mind the past few days, but here is the one that is screaming out the most and hitting me HARD in the heart. It has to do with relationships.

I am very good at filtering the thoughts that occur in my mind before they reach my lips; however, because of this I tend to keep my mouth shut a little too much. I let little irritations with people fester until they become huge grievances crippling my entire relationship with them. I see this happening all around me in other people's lives too. People who should have spoken up when something was small and manageable allow it to grow and thrive until it takes over their entire relationship with their spouse, their family, a friend, their church. Before you know it the dandelions have taken over their yard and they have some MAJOR work to do in order to get control.

Kinda like this:

Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

James 1:15

So what's the plan of action then? I used to think my response was simply to root out that weed of sin every time it popped up in my heart and my relationships. However, this week looking around I realized that even if I had rooted up that very first dandelion, it likely would have been too late. That one weed would have likely already had little friends about to pop up all over. So here's what I advise when dealing with weeds (in your yard and your heart):

1. Root them out! Definitely yank that bad boy outta your yard or heart as soon as possible. The sooner the better! When your hubby's voice has a bit of an edge to it, when your BFF forgets your b-day, when your church fails to pray about your illness... address the hurt and pain but then LET GO and get rid of it!

2. Sprinkle some weed killer all about. It's not good enough to just root out that weed. You also have to take action against any friends that weed may have lurking about. I suggest when you root out a sin you IMMEDIATELY bathe your spirit in the word of God. If you are struggling with the sin of lust say. Turn your eyes from that person/thing you are lusting after the SECOND you realize you are lusting. Then immediately find all the scripture you can about lust and soak your spirit in those truths.

3. Protect your yard from your neighbors dandelions. Here's where my analogy goes a little off track, because you can't really do much in a yard situation. You can't pick up your yard and move it away from your neighbor's yard, BUT in life, you can physically remove yourself from the people around you who have weeds in their "yard". Surround yourself instead with people who's lawns are weed free and flourishing.

Well I hope my little rabbit trail on weeds got you thinking. Are there any weeds in your yard today? If so, I hope and pray you will root them out! spray some weed killer! and move your yard away from other weedy yards!

Have a GREAT day!

Worship Wednesday: Stronger

[I know it's not Worship Wednesday yet, but it is Worship Wednesday Eve... that counts right?]

So this day has been spiraling downward. Not to be a Polly Pooper, but -- BEWARE! of days that start out a little too good to be true. So I was feeling down in the dumps... discouraged by the lack of writing assignments at Demand Media, downtrodden by thoughts of my nasty vehicular situation, and beaten down by my inability to connect with my honey because of his AWFUL defective HTC phone. Then to top it all off... I started feeling nauseous.... (LOATHE vomiting!) I laid down to rest for a few minutes and awoke still feeling like I was going to blow chunks. I reached deep down in my cheerleading bag of tricks and pulled out my DETERMINATION... you know that stuff I used to use when there were 3 minutes left in the 4th quarter and my team was down by 15 points. I forced myself to make an espresso and sit at the kitchen table doing math with Jeremiah. I did NOT feel like it. I was willing myself not to vomit. I just wanted this day to GO AWAY.

I didn't notice Hannah playing with my phone... [AMAZES me what apps this girl can launch by herself] She launched Pandora and all of a sudden Mandisa's Stronger was POURING out of my phone. (I swore I blogged about Stronger before, but I can't find it. How is it POSSIBLE that I haven't blogged about the one and only Mandisa before???)

Now for those of you who don't know this... I <3 Mandisa! She inspires me! She makes me laugh! I follow her on Twitter and she actually responded to my tweet once! AHHHHHHHHHHH!  Have you ever seen Notting Hill? Where Hugh Grant's sister is that actress with the googly eyes and the red hair that sticks up? When she follows Julia Roberts (who's playing a celebrity in the movie) into the bathroom? Just before that she tells Julia, "I absolutely and totally and utterly adore you and I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world and more importantly I genuinely believe and have believed for some time now that we can be best friends." Well I am the googly eyed redhead to Mandisa's Julia Roberts! I truly believe if we met, Mandisa and I would be BEST friends! [go ahead John J. Kastner... MOCK me... but I think Mandisa could be my friend!]

So anywhoos... besides the fact that I MAJORLY adore Mandisa... this song!  ohhhhhh this song! It reminds me of the DIFFICULTIES of 2009... brain surgery, moving, out of work, BAH! I just LOVE and ADORE it.

And then one more thing... the TIMING! it was PERFECT! Here I am down in the dumps... trying not to puke... wishing it were the end of this awful day... AND my sweet little princess conspires with my celebrity BFF to CHANGE MY DAY! Even Elijah refusing to write the days of the week on his math paper is not irritating me as much as before.

Thank you Mandisa! In the hopes that you can change someone else's day, I'm gonna attempt to embed the video for Stronger here:



Btw... just in case the AMAZING Mandisa stops by this page, when Pandora opened and this album cover came up, Hannah pointed at your picture and said, with awe in her voice, "Mom, she's BEAUTIFUL!" Yups... I know how to pick my friends ;)

[P.S. OHMIGOSH y'all!!!  read the comments! she read it! SEE! I told you! we'll be BFF's some day... maybe not till Heaven but that's okay too]

Home Sweet Home

In case you haven't heard the news, we are HOME! It all came as such a whirlwind! We really had no idea it was even a possibility. On Saturday a.m. a physician's assistant for our neurosurgeon came in. We asked her, "Is there any possibility we could go home today?" (half-kidding) She said, "I think that's possible." Wow! REALLY?!?!?! Well at 10:30 a.m. we were still waiting for the word from our doctor and by 12:30 p.m. we were in the car heading home. I've never experienced such a quick discharge from the hospital! Normally they say you can go home, but it takes hours to get paperwork and wheelchairs and the like. Not this time!

We wheeled out to our minivan at 12:30 p.m. but didn't arrive home at Casa de la Kastner in Iron Ridge until 3:30 p.m. We had to drop off prescriptions, pick up children, load up our car, pick up prescriptions and then drive an hour. It was a grueling process for someone who was just released from the hospital and had to rigidly hold his head still as every single bump and pothole brought him pain. When we got home, I wanted to just lie prostrate on the carpet and kiss the ground. I got John settled, unpacked the car, and started working on typing up his medicine schedule so I didn't mess anything up.

We spent yesterday resting and trying to recover. We took a walk (had to drive down the driveway and hill to a flatter place to walk.... around our house is WAY too hilly for a person who is recovering from brain surgery). We gave John a shower.... got a few perishables from the grocery store and made a run to Wal-Mart and for dinner.

Today, John is:
***managing most of his pain well. His headache is pretty bad this morning.
***VERY stiff... if he stays still too long he gets very stiff.... tyring to keep himself moving

We are so VERY glad to be home and feel he will rest more comfortably here and therefore recover more quickly here too. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Here is how you can be praying:

1. John - continued, full and QUICK healing. Pray for his headache today. Pray for the right amount of activity to keep him loose but not so much that he overdoes it. Pray for peace over John as he recovers. At some point as he gets stronger, I fear he will want to start doing stuff. I pray that God will give him peace to just SIT STILL and heal.

2. Me - I don't even know what to ask you to pray for me... EVERYTHING??? I'm keeping John's meds straight - waking him several times a night for meds... I'm trying to get back to work.... I'm trying to get school started for the kids this week... I'm trying to cook, do laundry, and keep up with the rest of the around-the-house stuff... I'm trying to make sure the bills get paid... I still need to go get that dumb oil changed... I have to find a new power cord for our laptop.... Basically, I have to do everything right now, and I'm EXHAUSTED. I'm really truly at the end of myself and feeling the stress right now. Please pray that God's grace and peace flood in. I need HIS strength right now because I have NONE of my own left.

3. Children - pray that the "loud family" can be quiet for once. Our children are not exactly well suited for or good at creating a healing environment. I am constantly reminding them to keep their voices down, stop bouncing on Daddy's bed, close doors quietly, quit arguing.... please pray for them.

4. Finances - we have already been blessed ABUNDANTLY by God and His people... but this is going to be a VERY long journey and it is still hard not to worry about "what we will wear or what we will eat" I know that I know that I know that God will take care of us, BUT that doesn't make relying on faith to feed your family an easy task.

5 (saving the best for last) GOD BE GLORIFIED! I always beg God to please find a way to be glorified in my pain. I hate for my pain to be for naught. The Kastner family is suffering through A LOT of pain right now, and we just pray that God will continue to make Himself known, will continue to show Himself to be faithful, will continue to use our pain to reveal Himself to us and to others.

FIRMLY in His grip....

Day 1.... Garden

Today I decided to just take a look at my vegetable garden. I had given up on it a few weeks ago. See when I was planting my tomato plants back in May, I dug up an ant hill. Ever since then I have been warring with the ants for control of that tiny little plot of land. A few weeks ago with anthills everywhere and plants which looked like they hadn't grown a millimeter I threw in the towel. However, today out of morbid curiosity I took a little jaunt over there to check out what had become of my little guys. What I saw shocked me! Several of my tomato plants were blossoming! I could NOT believe my eyes! I got to work fighting a new battle, this time against the weeds and grass which were threatening to overtake my tiny little garden. Three hours, one aching back and more blisters then I can count later I had reclaimed about seventy-five percent of my garden and come away with a great analogy.

See this soul cleansing John and I have embarked on is a REALLY good idea. However, I couldn't miss the lesson from my neglected garden. Ignoring a garden for weeks and then trying to reclaim it is MUCH more back breaking then simply caring for it daily. A thorough soul cleansing is good for us, BUT if it is all the "tending" we do for our spirit it will be back breaking and gut wrenching. A cleanse of our spirits will be much easier to weather if it is coupled with daily caring for our soul.

However, even with daily care, our souls can get gunked up with the ick of this world. That's why John and I are on this soul cleanse. And today was a GREAT day! We stuck to all of the things we have resolved to do (and not do) today. We had decided yesterday to share with the children what we were doing but not force them to do any of it. We wanted them to make their own decision on the matter. It has been QUITE a blessing to observe the cleansing of their souls. When I asked Hannah what she wanted God to do this week, she answered, "Heal my Daddy's owie." This morning Noah showed he had really been pondering this concept when he showed me what he had written in his journal, that God would "make me a better man."

Our "Interim Church" turned out to be pretty cool. We weren't taken aback by the fact that our little posse of seven was about one-fifth of the congregation today. It was SMALL! While I still really LOVE LifeChurch, I had the oddest sensation that we just kinda "fit" at Marshview Ministries. Only God knows what is in store for us there, but for now it is a great place for the Kastners to worship closer to home. Two random thoughts from the sermon that I REALLY liked:

1. Elephants in the Sahara desert have ears that are sensitive enough to hear rain falling from miles away. I want to be that sensitive to the voice of God.

2. We need to hunger and thirst for righteousness like we HAVE to eat or drink or we will die!

I did have a brief moment today where I nearly lost my resolve (and my marbles). I was trying to make lunch and EVERY SINGLE person who lives in this house besides John was talking to me at the same time. Noah and Elijah were begging to play Xbox. Auntie Marge was chiding me for not letting her buy McDonalds for lunch cuz "that would have solved your problem of what to make for lunch." Jeremiah was repeatedly asking to watch a show. I started to go postal on everyone's butts, but then I remembered what I was supposed to be doing this week. I dropped my mayonnaise-covered knife and went to John and asked him to pray for me. Then with my spirit calmed, I returned to making sandwiches and listening to everyone clamor my name at the exact same time.

So Day 1 is nearly over.... I'm feeling pretty good about this thing we've embarked on. I'm also feeling this odd sneaking suspicion that God has already freed me from two of the things I am asking Him to bring me healing in. However, I don't want to jump the gun on proclaiming victory so I think I will simmer on it a little while. All I can say is I just feel DIFFERENT in my thoughts/fears/worries/even actions towards these two specific topics and if that is ALL I get from this week it will be so much more then enough.

Please pray for us after you read this. Tomorrow will be the true test if we can really clean our icky souls out... Taking a soul cleanse into the work week... I'll let you know how it goes!

Christmas on Crutches

I'm currently doing three different Christmas reading plans on my Bible app. I'm just trying hard not to miss the joy this Christmas season because of all the NOT merry stuff on my plate right now.

*Army graduations are so stressful but this one was even more so because the unit Elijah was in literally communicated not 1 word about the in-person graduation to the parents.

*a car crash the day before we left put so many wrinkles into our trip and extended our driving time.... as we had to go to Georgia and take Noah to his new base.

*my work is just so busy. I've been working overtime for at least 6 months.

*and my surgery is very close on the horizon---just 9 days away now

*2 soldiers arriving at the airport on 2 different days (one of them I have to miss because I'll still be in the hospital.)

*then two whirlwind weeks full of celebrations and family and the Kastner6 together.

I just KNOW that I'm going to get to January 5th and think, "Wow! That was a blink of a eye!" It already feels like it went fast, and it hasn't even all the way started.

As I FLY, full-speed down this hill, there are a few things I'm doing to try to make sure I don't miss everything....  

1. The most important one Get. In. The. Word. Every single day...  Multiple different reading plans. Worship songs while I exercise. Quiet minutes of listening for His voice even when I feel like I can't slow down. I'm tying to center my heart on my Savior's birth to help me remember the Reason for the Season.

2.  Count it all joy. I'm really truly TRYING to count it all joy. My work being so busy made Elijah's time in basic seem exponentially shorter.  Elijah's unit being so disorganized meant they didn't even look at our registration for our car which was last year's not this year's. All this insanity and having to pump the brakes to just even experience any of it is giving me very little time to stress out about this knee surgery. This fast pace which I'm fighting so hard is actually what's making it like "oh my gosh it's already only 10  days until I see Elijah again!" So I'm trying to embrace the suck because the suck is actually beneficial for me.

3. Connect with my people.  Even though I'm stressed and busier than a one- armed wallpaper hanger I'm trying to be intentional about connecting with people. It is so helpful to my mental health and it us why I do all this craziness.... my people.

 Whatever kind of Christmas season you're having, chill - crazy - lonely - mournful,  you can still be purposeful and celebrate Christmas. My prayer is that today you'll find just one way to do that.

When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Matthew 2:10‭-‬11

Flashback Friday: The hill....

This blog was on my heart this morning....

The Hill

Hope it ministers to others who are facing a hill in front of them.  You can DO it!