Valley strategies

Yesterday was a TOUGH day.  I'm still in a bit of an aftershock period, and I find myself continually ASSAULTED by the EXHAUSTION that follows an adrenaline packed episode and constantly HOUNDED by this almost overwhelming FEAR of what the next trouble around the bend will be. Yesterday I was NOT the victor against these two foes.  In fact,  exhaustion and fear KICKED my butt yesterday, leaving me prostate in a puddle of my own tears.

This morning as I hauled my WEARY bones out of bed, the chorus of Natalie Grant's song Held echoed through my brain,  "This is what it means up be held...." I and remembered some of the lessons I've learned before.... some strategies for when I'm in the valley.

1. IMMERSE yourself in the things of God.  Christian music, the Word of God, PRAYER..... soak in His presence so when you are in the grip of the battle HE is what oozes out.

2. Cut yourself some slack!  I am my own worst critic.  I am the voice SCREAMING, "JAMI, GET UP AND BE PRODUCTIVE! BE PERFECT!  DO BETTER!" But in times like the ones I'm walking through right now, I'm going to stumble and fall.  And instead of perfect, sometimes I need to accept nothing more than a good effort.... I need to congratulate myself for simply not giving up.  I need to be proud of myself for dragging myself up out of the mud and the mire instead of berating myself for stumbling and falling into it in the first place.

3. Learn to say NO. No to increased responsibilities... No to unnecessary endeavors.... I am an Armagedon-movie junkie:  Armageddon, Volcano, Independence Day... And any good action movie junkie knows:  when the spaceship is losing power, you turn off ALL systems that are NOT necessary for survival!  STOP doing anything you can get away with NOT doing. Do NOT expend energy on ANYTHING that is not vital to SURVIVAL!  People in my house are going to live if the kitchen floor isn't impeccably clean. We can eat a few more meals before I absolutely HAVE to go to the grocery store.  Cut back... Eliminate.... Reduce.... to save your strength for the battle you are in.

4. Never give up!  NEVER give up!  No matter how dark the night is... No matter how hopeless the situation seems... do NOT give up... do NOT throw in the towel.... joy (or at least a dimming of the CRAP) DOES come in the morning. Sometimes the victory is simply from NOT conceding.

Psalm 30:5 

For His anger lasts only a moment,

but His favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may stay for the night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Another terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.....

I have to chronicle this day... It is another one of those, "You MUST be making this UP!" kinda days.  But with God as my witness I swear that every word I am about to type is true. In fact there are even a couple of private, non-sharable things in ADDITION to all that I'm putting out there for the whole world to read that take the day to an even deeper depth of despair.

This day started much the same as the rest.... I awoke at the butt-crack of dawn to take John to work. He has had a HORRIBLE week. Hasn't felt right all week. VERY VERY dizzy... One day, he walked into a wall which caused enough concern that I called him in sick that day. Before he got out of bed this morning, I asked if I should call him in sick. He said, "No." One more time when we were halfway to the bus stop, I asked, "Should we turn around and go home?" He said, "No." He wanted to tough it out. He could work.

I came home and started RACING through my day... tons of work leftover from the day before... a bunch of stuff I needed to do for cheer..... all the while directing the kids through their chores and independent lesson parts.

Around 11ish I think it was, I got a call from John. He was not feeling well AT ALL. So dizzy he could hardly function, bad stomach ache, horrible headache.  I told him to get on the next bus and COME HOME!  He had his momma come and get him. She brought him ALL THE WAY home.

I continued on trying to get my work done, making dinner before we left for cheer, now nursing him, etc... Fielded at least three calls from the dr.'s office and four from the pharmacy. Took in some bad news that will make my life even MORE hectic. Hopped in the car to head for cheer. A little more bad news came my way (oh and SEVERAL more dr/pharmacy calls).

After cheer I ran one of my cheerleaders home and then returned to the school to wait for the boys' b-ball practice to end. I pulled the kids out of practice 10 minutes early to try to make it back to Hartford to pick up all of John's prescriptions before the pharmacy closed. All the way there we prayed and prayed and PRAYED... "Please God let us get there before the pharmacy closes!" When I realized we were going to be a few minutes past closing time, I called and they said they would keep the pharmacy open for me! WOW!

I flew into Walmart just a few minutes after 9, grabbed John's scrips and then as long as I was there, grabbed a few groceries and the rest of the Christmas presents I needed.

On the way home from Walmart less than 5 miles from my house, my tire blew. So there I was one of my top 3 worst nightmares coming true: stranded in between two cornfields on a dark country road. [In high school I made the mistake of watching Children of the Corn... driving in the country night has NEVER been easy for me, and this was what I had ALWAYS feared.] But here's the best part: I was stranded just miles from my house, but my hubby couldn't even come help me. Even if he decided to try to drive the broken down Buick (which we aren't sure even runs anymore) ILLEGALLY because he currently is not allowed to drive, he prolly couldn't even get down the driveway because he is SO dizzy!

I sat there with the cornfields closing in trying to figure out what to do. I called the tow truck.... (ohmigosh!!!!! Collete from Reliable is an angel walking around with skin on!!!!!) called John... texted my sisters and mom... and tried to call my neighbor. Sent her one cryptic text, "Can you call if you're up... stranded on Madison."  I was talking to my sister about how this could REALLY not be happening. There is no way this day could be real! I'm likely walking around in a bad dream I just can't seem to wake up from. When all of a sudden over the hill came the first pair of headlights I had seen all night. I said, "Jodi, pray this is my neighbor." The lights approached and then STARTED TO SLOW!!! It was! It was! It WAS my neighbor!

She took Noah and Jeremiah back to the house (they were btw TERRIFIED... Jeremiah had his hands over his face and was praying the whole time. Noah kept asking me to turn the radio up, attempting to appear strong but very, VERY scared of being stranded in the dark.) Then she even came back to keep me company until the tow truck arrived (she's heard about my cornfield phobia MANY TIMES).

Collette towed me back home so we could unload the minivan and then drove off with our only real form of transportation attached to her tow truck. I don't really have words to explain how vulnerable I feel right now. I literally can't even drive someone to the hospital if they need it. I am terrified and left virtually alone as John is completely unconscious (the way he has been most of the day from his ailment).

After being dropped off I busied myself with emptying my Walmart bags. I lifted the first one off the ground and it split apart, spilling its contents all over the floor... and that was when the tears started threatening to fall. I held them back until the kids were in bed... but now the typing of this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad story is dragging them out of me.

So here... in my bed... pecking away at my laptop... tears STREAMING down my face and hope nowhere to be found... Here's what I have to say... here's what is in my heart:

I know... my Redeemer lives... I know my Redeemer lives... All of creation testifies... this life within me cries... I know my Redeemer lives...

I don't know why that is the song that is on my heart right now. Maybe because in the midst of all this chaos... in the midst of a blown tire that may have resulted in a damaged rim... in the midst of messed up anti-seizure meds that have left my husband foggy and unable to function... in the midst of the ick and filth and mess and YUCK of this day... I KNOW MY REDEEMER LIVES!


Nothing Satan can throw at me will change my mind. Nothing that happens to me can alter that fact...

I KNOW MY REDEEMER LIVES!


Goodnight everyone.

What God's taught me through Tim Tebow...

Tim Tebow! Wowzer! Is he the hot button topic in sports today??? I think he must be perpetually trending on Twitter!  I have to admit that until a couple of weeks ago I had no idea who Tim Tebow was, and I really didn't have a clue what Tebowing was either...

My thoughts on this Tebow phenomenon are many and varied. For example, I find it FASCINATING how many people are crucifying the dude for loving Jesus... REALLY??? In a world full of athletes who are in trouble with the law, concerned with only themselves, living lifestyles that are an example to NO ONE we are going to hate on a guy for loving God?  Mind-boggling that this is the way our world is!

However, that is not what this blog is about. I'm not jumping on the Tim Tebow bandwagon to talk about whether or not he should "Tebow". I have something different to say about Tim Tebow.  I read this article yesterday, and it really hit home. It struck me deep in the heart and brought a STRONG word from God.

Here's the part that got me:


If Tim Tebow’s professional career as an NFL Quarterback comes crashing down around him, or if he becomes wildly successful and rich, will he stand firm in his commitment to Jesus Christ?  My bet is ‘yes”.  What about the rest of us as Christians?  Whether faced with economic calamity or great wealth; popularity or being hated; will we remain committed to Jesus and the truth of His Word?  Time will tell…

See I think that is what God is trying to teach me through this recent (okay not so recent we are into our 3rd year of it now) series of trials and struggles. Will I stand firm in my commitment to Jesus Christ through this endless stream of medical issues, financial woes, and constant daily irritations? Will I keep my language pure? Will I keep my temper in check? Will I give him the praise and the glory when things are tough AND when they are terrific?  What if this NEVER changes? What if I am driving a broken down car, living in a rented house, and barely making it from payday-to-payday for THE REST OF MY LIFE??? Will I still serve Him? Will I still PRAISE HIM?

My answer is I will (however, lately my "I will" has been coming only after more and more and more pouting, stomping my feet and tons of tears). Yes, it is MUCH easier to "Tebow" when you are pulling off miraculous wins in the final seconds of a football game then when you are facing defeat after defeat after defeat. But I have to believe from the little I have seen of Tim Tebow that whether he is throwing touchdowns or interceptions he will still remain committed to Christ. I also believe that God is still on the throne whether we are facing success or defeat. Therefore the answer to my predicament is:  praise Him when the fridge breaks, praise Him when the furnace won't heat, praise Him when my husband is on his way to the ER, praise Him when I lose my writing job... and should I happen to end up in the end zone someday: with a writing contract... a car that works... enough money to pay the bills and (GASP!) accrue a little savings... FINALLY up on that podium with a State Champion cheer team... or best yet in that PROMISED LAND of no more Chiari Malformation woes, not trouble by any aneurysms... My answer will be just the same, PRAISE HIM!

Confessions...

God has been teaching me a lot through this most recent series of troubles. See I think regardless of the reason WHY I am going through this (if there is a sin God is trying to weed out of my heart, if my faith is being tested, if there is someone in my life who needs to see me go through this so they can weed out a sin or have their faith tested...) there is ALWAYS at least one thing that I can glean from my trials. Whether that thing is the primary reason for my struggle or just a secondary lesson doesn't matter at all. Being the kind of person who CONSTANTLY asks, "God, what can I learn here?" That is what matters.

Because of the answer I have received to the "God what can I learn here?" question, I have several confessions to make.

Somewhere deep in my heart I still believe that if I follow the rules, life should go my way.  In spite of the fact that I see MULTIPLE examples in scripture that prove this to be a fallacy: Jesus, Job, Paul... I still think that if I love God and serve Him wholeheartedly, if I take care of the sick and elderly, if I give the shirt off my back to those in need, then I should just skip down a rose-lined path without a care on my mind. The problem is... for those roses along the path to grow, there needs to be a little rain. Because I have yet to root out this false belief from my heart, when the rain falls I feel challenged, chastised, discouraged.

I have too much on my plate. (Many of you are right now going, "DUH! We knew that all along!" Here's the thing. I know it too. I've known it all along as well. The problem is there is not much that I feel I can scooch off my plate. And some of the things that well-meaning people in my life have suggested I scooch off wouldn't actually make my plate any emptier... they would just fill it with a different thing.) Because I have too much on my plate, the smallest addition to my plate results in chaos. Remember a few days ago at Thanksgiving? You had that plate FILLED with goodies: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes covered in gravy, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce. At one point, your plate was FULL... not a smidgen of white visible. Imagine if you had taken your fork and scooched clear a little space. Just a TEENY tiny space for that yummy look jello your Great Aunt brought. What would have happened? CHAOS! Yummy turkey, piping hot potatoes and scrumptious stuffing would be all over the floor! There is only SO much room on your plate and if you scooch a clear spot for jello... something is going to fall over the edge.  My life is that plate:  laden with homeschooling, telecommuting, elder caregiving, sick husband transporting, cheerleading coaching.... If I try to scooch a clear spot for a broken refrigerator, CHAOS abounds!

This weekend my parents took us all on Haugh Holiday. We went to Green Lake and stayed at the Heidel House (BEAUTIFUL resort, GORGEOUS grounds, GREAT amenities, COURTEOUS staff). We started Thursday with a Thanksgiving buffet. The way I tackled that buffet is (I think) the solution to a plate that is too full (in life and at Thanksgiving dinner). Some in our party went through the buffet line trying to get everything they wanted in one trip. I took a different approach. I went up, took a salad plate, and made myself a salad. Then I returned to the table to consume my salad. Next, I went for a hot plate, filled it with meat, vegetables, and stuffing. Returned to enjoy that. Finally, I headed for the dessert table.  I'm still not POSITIVE how this translates into real life, but I think it looks something like this:  one day at a time... one task at a time... slow down... risk being consumed by the fires burning all around and tackle one segment of life at a time.

I don't know where this train is taking us, but I trust the conductor. I can't see down the road. I don't know how this two more months of driving John around is going to pan out. I can't see how this STUPID refrigerator nonsense will be resolved. I can't tell you how all these messes in my life will be tidied up. But I TRUST THE CONDUCTOR. So hard as it is, I am trying to just relax in my seat, doing my part (and my part alone) while He does His job of keeping this train on track.

I hope these ramblings ministered to someone today. You know even if they didn't, this was an exercise in obedience for me. God wanted me to publicly admit these things and I have done my part.

This morning, I begged God to forgive me for my doubt, for the false beliefs I have held onto, for my inability to submit to what He is doing here. I am now begging Him to FILL ME with more of Him. So that I have the strength to tackle this crazy life of mine one plate at a time.