Wait....

Yesterday John had his follow up appointment with the neurosurgeon.... the word we got was, "Wait." Just "wait." No answers.  No understanding.  Very little hope.  Just "wait."

Apparently the scans reveal that his fusions look great.... the pictures didn't give insight to why he has so much soreness and weakness and numbness going on. The doctor had no answer for why John can hardly use his arms. Just "wait."

John is out of work for another week (be still my wavering heart), and next Saturday he will have an angiogram to see if something is restricting the blood flow in this area. If something is found,  I guess we have yet ANOTHER surgery (trembly knees STOP knocking). Just "wait."

I'm having a hard time getting a read on where john is with all this.  I mean I know he is tired of this seemingly never-ending trail of medical woes.... but I can't tell if he's hopeful or nervous or defeated. My guess is he has a little bit of all three (and more) emotions running through his heart right now.

Me?  Well I feel like those times in a movie when someone is dangling off the edge of a cliff or gripping the edge of a building.... and their hand is slipping with just their fingertips impossibly clinging to the very edge... and then out of nowhere the larger than life hero swoops in and grabs them by the wrist, and you know it will be okay.  You aren't exactly sure yet how the hero is going to get that person off the side of the cliff/building, but you know that the day has been saved.

See while I can see all the stuff in the GREAT expanse I'm dangling over (another week without pay,  the possibility of ANOTHER surgery,  the fear that John's pain, weakness,  soreness and numbness might not be solvable, the pain and discouragement in my husband's eyes) I also know FULL well that this isn't just some action-movie hero grasping my hand and keeping me from plummeting into the depths.  It is the God of ALL the universe Who has me in His capable grip. And if I should have to tumble down the hill of another OR waiting room, or even crash onto the rocks of him NEVER being allowed to return to work, even if I drown in the sea of losing my love,  He will BE RIGHT THERE to brush me off, to pick me up, to resuscitate me, even to carry me home to glory...

I've been WEARING out this song by Kari Jobe.... It is like a life preserver buoying my soul through this most recent storm...

Sometimes, I just sing this part over and over:

I am not alone
I am not alone
I am not alone
I am not alone
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not thrilled with this "wait" answer (although I will admit that "wait" is a much better answer to the question, "Will John EVER return to work?" than "no" would be.) I'm not excited to be dangling over this cliff, trying hard to focus on the Hand that is grabbing me instead of the rocks and waves below.  But I am so glad that we are NOT alone in this "wait."  He will NEVER leave us.

So "wait" we will.... hoping and praying that God will help us to be faithful as we wait... we so desperately want our children, the doctors and nurses, my blog readers, EVERYONE we come in contact with to see God glorified through this "wait." Beyond that, we are praying, "not our will but Your will be done."

I am Not Alone

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own

You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in this storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul