Free to be me.....

I'm back from the edge of the abyss of exhaustion (I think). Maybe I should never blog at night because by the end of the day I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO wiped out that I just don't have the energy to pull out my cheerleader smile and put a positive spin on things. However, that being said... I do think that last night's, "Woe is me" blog ministered to at least one dear friend. See, she too needs a few fruity drinks delivered by Mr. Vin Diesel. This blog is for you, my friend, and don't forget there are like THREE houses for sale in my neighborhood ;)

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

But You've already won the battle! All this crud we struggle through... it is TOUGH! All this pain we have to endure... it HURTS! Healing and restoration are NO FUN! Sometimes you really feel you are losing every skirmish around you, but do NOT forget: He's already won the battle! He's won it! This stupid stuff we are dealing with seems so all-consuming, but it is but a mist, but a vapor... and what is really important.... what really matters... He already took care of that, and it's a victory for our side!

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

But perfection is my enemy! It's okay that life's not perfect. It's okay that life's hard. Some of us need to give ourselves (and our lives) a break, and realize that perfection is not all it's cracked up to be. Imperfection has it's beauty too. Imperfection is what brings us to Jesus. Without imperfection we don't need Him. I, for one, am SO glad I need Him.

But on Your shoulders I can see.... I'm free to be ME! Climb up on those big shoulders of your Daddy and be FREE! You don't have to walk anymore when you're up on His shoulders. You don't have to climb. You can just be FREE to be yourself... to not worry about falling... to have your load carried.... to be FREE!

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

But things don't always come that easy.... Things don't always go that easy. For some of us they are harder still. This earth we live in is not our home. It is under the dominion of an evil, crafty, vicious enemy. He tries to steal our joy. He tries to kill our hope. He tries to DESTROY us! See he doesn't believe my first point. He doesn't think that God's already won the battle. He thinks there is some slight chance that he can win in the end, and he is NOT going to give up until he has given all he has got to obtain his objective.

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything.... There are days when you feel like, "I am woman hear me roar." Relish those days! Use them to shore yourself up. Bask in the feeling that together you and God can do anything.

Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring.... We all have those gloomy, Eyeore days... Days when we feel like everything is just wrong. Days when we feel like WE are just wrong. On those days, don't forget that the truth never changed. Together you and God can do anything.

But you look at my heart and You tell me that I've got all You seek.... He doesn't want our perfection. He doesn't want our strength. For HIS strength is made perfect in our WEAKNESS. All He wants is a heart that loves Him. Once again, my favorite character in the Bible is David. He has always been my favorite. Wanna know why? Because after ALL he did: adultery, murder.... God STILL calls him a man after His own heart. When it is all said and done that is what really matters.... not the rips in our jeans or the dents in our fenders, BUT a heart that loves God.

So my dear friend.... this one was for you. I feel some of your pain. I've yet to travel the other. But still I know this one truth: if your heart is following after Him that's all that matters.

Cherish those dents in your fender. Relish in those rips in your jeans. They are battle scars that remind you, His grace is sufficient and His power is shown in our weakness.

Love you much! (and don't forget about the houses for sale!)

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will BOAST all the more gladly about my WEAKNESS, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Another fruity drink please, Mr. Vin Diesel

Sometimes I literally and truly wonder if I will make it through all of this. I mean SERIOUSLY what kind of person can handle THIS! I'm not some sort of super human.... I'm just a girl... One puny, measly, fearful, insecure, little girl!

"Send in the reinforcements! Shore up the line! The B team MUST take the court! For this front line fighter is done! Toast! Spent!"

I want a break! I need a vacation from all this misery! I want to plant my big white butt on the sand in Fiji while a cabana boy who looks like Vin Diesel brings me fruity drinks with umbrellas in them! I'll come back and fight the battle later. I'm not deserting FOREVER! I just need a little hiatus from the hassling... Just a tiny little lull in the character shaping... A small pause in the healing...

Don't they give burn victims a break in between skin grafts? When someone suffers extreme trauma aren't there MULTIPLE surgeries so they can have time in between to heal? For goodness sake even this one little tooth implant they want to give me has to be done in two parts so the screw thingy holding the fake tooth in place can grow into the bone or something like that.

Alas.... there is no white sand beach in my near future.... People have said John looks a little like Vin Diesel but I'm not sure John has any little umbrellas at his disposal. So I guess it is back to the grind for this peasant. I just hope God remembers this one thing, "I'm just one girl."

"Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling." 2 Corinthians 5:2

Shame is NOT God's game....

We've been down to the bottom, stories we've got em

When we hit rock bottom

If you been there put your hands in the air

So let the lost know that someone cares

Superchick

I've been thinking a lot about shame lately. In that Karen Kingsbury book I finished last week the main character was overwhelmed by the shame of a ten-year old sin. She even fretted God would punish someone if she prayed for them, because her sin was so grievous.

You know what? We've all got sin. None of us is exempt. We all have something we wish NO ONE knew, and we fear EVERYONE will find out. And trust me... God is not put off by our ickiness... "While we were still sinners...." (Romans 5:8) That's when Christ died for us!

Shame is just such a silly waste of time! God doesn't want your shame or guilt. He wants you to be convicted. He wants you to turn away from your sin. But wallowing in shame.... That's the devil's game... Not God's.

If you have a sin in your past (or even in your present) don't waste time on the shame game! Confess it! Turn away from it! And start your journey away from it. That's God's game.

The valley of the shadow of death....

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)

I know a thing or two about valleys. I've traveled through my share (and maybe a few other people's share too...) Therefore, I feel qualified to tell you a few things I have learned about journeying through a valley... a sort of JLK TripTik to help you navigate your way.

He is with you. The first stop along our way is the no-brainer. It is right there in the verse I opened with, "for you are with me...." God is with you. Even though it feels as if you've been abandoned, even though you cannot always see Him there, He is WITH you! Right there in the valley, right there as you're saying goodbye to a loved one, right there as the bank is foreclosing upon your house, right there as the judge signs the papers on your divorce, HE IS WITH YOU. Whatever you do, do NOT let the enemy convince you this is not true. In order to make it to the other side of this deep canyon, you HAVE to hold tight to this truth: HE IS WITH YOU!

Stand.... or fall down too, but do not give up! When you are walking through a deep, dark valley, feeling discouraged is understandable. When your life is falling apart, you will feel despair. When your dreams are lying in a pile of rubble at your feet, your broken heart will ache. But no matter what you do, do not give up. "....and after you have done everything, to stand." (Ephesians 6:13b)... Sometimes standing is all you can do. Sometimes it is good enough to just NOT fall down, Sometimes you even fall down, and it is good enough to just get back up. To say to God, "My heart is in ruins but I will stand." ...like Brooke Taylor in Facing the Giants.... broken hearted facing her bareness and crying out, "I will still love you, Lord!" Just don't give up! It's okay to stand still. It's okay not to move. But do NOT give up!

This too shall pass... No matter how endless the valley you are traveling feels, there IS an end to it. There will come a day when you will look back on the valley. There WILL! For those of you who are in the valley RIGHT NOW, you will find my next words hard to believe, but someday you may even long wistfully for the valley. Just this past weekend I was longing wistfully for a few of the darkest times in my life:

***The year when I was pregnant with Hannah through her birth, we were walking through a valley of the shadow of financial destitution that was pretty much unmatched by ANYTHING else we had ever faced. I remember how terrified I was. I remember the power was shut off that summer. But this past weekend, I looked back and remembered how it was in the middle of that valley that God blessed me with this beautiful baby girl who is so much more than I could have ever hoped or asked for. We were involved in the birthing of a church that year, and we were integral in the support system of that church, and we BELONGED. I also remember that year we were coaching a cheer squad that was more family than team. As I look back on that valley, what I notice most are the flowers scattered along the way.

***Last fall our valley was having a portion of John's skull removed in brain surgery and living with none of his income for a few months. I remember the exhaustion of those long, labor-intensive days. I remember the fear of ending up homeless because we could not pay the bills. I remember fighting back the worry that I would be widowed well before I got to be that cute elderly couple holding hands at the grocery store. But this past weekend, I looked back and remembered the AMAZING blessing of being together as a family (all six of us... and just the six of us) for nearly two months. We were cared for by the body of Christ in a way that BLEW MY MIND. We learned more lessons about God and about each other than I can even catalog. As I look back on that valley, what I notice most are the flowers scattered along the way.

So please believe me.... no matter how science-fiction like it sounds... there WILL come a day when you too will look back on this valley and see the flowers scattered along the way.

I wish that none of us had to face valleys. What a pleasant trip this would be if it were a skip down a rose-lined path on a sunny day! However, that's not what I have found from scripture: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23) The description Jesus gives of following Him includes crosses... not roses. It is also not what I have found in life. People die. Finances go south. Hearts get broken. But these things I know about traveling through a valley:

He is with you.

Stand...

This too shall pass.

If you are in a valley right now, I pray this has ministered to you. If you are not in a valley right now, maybe you want to bookmark this page, because eventually you will be. The valleys in life are inevitable... I just hope this little TripTik will help you a little in yours.

Dancing with Cinderella.....

So I had this HUGE day ahead of me yesterday. TONS on my to do list and time ticking away. I was in the shower sopping wet, and I heard my phone ringing. It was John's ringtone. He doesn't typically call me on the drive to work so I knew there was something wrong. "I need you do come pick me up. I'm on Hwy K." With those words my whole day was turned upside down.

[This blog is NOT about the issues which left him stranded on Hwy K, but because I know I will field ZILLIONS of questions about this if I don't put it out there: all is fine and taken care of.... God prepared a solution before we even had the need. Now focus on my lesson PLEASE!]

It reminded me of a scene in Evan Almighty where Evan says something about what his plans were. God (Morgan Freeman) says, "Your plans?" and then proceeds to bust a gut laughing. See so often we get so caught up in OUR plans, but there are MANY times when God's plans aren't the same as ours.

My plans for Friday, May 14th included errands, work, schooling and TONS of cleaning. God's plans for me for Friday, May 14th included an emergency call at 7:03 a.m., an unexpected expense, and a tax return being deposited on THAT day so the expense wasn't a big deal.

Yesterday reminded me not to be so caught up in MY plans that I am not receptive to His plans. Yesterday ended up being a GLORIOUS day: unexpected time off with my hubby, ALL the errands done much easier then if I had done them myself, and most of my to do list accomplished. Sometimes when we are pitched a curve ball that turns our day upside down we are not very graceful. However, we have to constantly remind ourselves God knew EXACTLY how that ball was gonna curve.

Hannah keeps throwing me one of those curve balls lately. She keeps asking me, "Mommy will you dance with me?" Typically when she asks this, I'm not at a point where I have time for frivolous things. Although truth be told, I NEVER have the time for frivolity. However, in the few seconds after that question is asked, ZILLIONS of things run through my mind. See the question ALWAYS reminds me of the song Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman.

So I'll dance with Cinderella

While she is here in my arms

I'm sure many of you know the tragic story of his daughter Maria.... killed in a terrible accident at the tender age of five. I think of the fact that even if I do not lose my Hannah at a young age, every day she is growing up and I am "losing" my baby a little bit. Sooner than I like to realize, she and I will be fighting over how much stomach that t-shirt shows (or whatever other teenage battle we'll engage in), and I'll be longing to hear her sweet little voice saying, "Mommy will you dance with me?" So every single time, no matter what I'm doing: chores, work, stealing a few selfish moments for myself, I drop it, and I gather that precious little Cinderella in my arms and I DANCE! I bury my face in that soft blond hair. I inhale of her big girl sweetness. I memorize the feeling of those tiny little arms squeezing my neck. And I dance.

That's what I tried to do yesterday. After all the stress and struggle and juggling, I reached over and took my husband's hand and danced. I enjoyed being alone with him. I enjoyed being at home with him. I danced.

I hope you take some time to dance today too. You won't regret it.