Mmmkay even though I got some really good insights after my last post they still didn't really answer my questions. I think I didn't ask them right. So I'm gonna try again....
Back when John had brain surgery, and people would ask me how we were doing, there were times I wanted to SCREAM, "I'm terrified I'm going to lose my husband!" or "I'm hacked off that for the past four months we have been walking through the fiery furnace and EVERY time we absorb one blow another blow is RIGHT there!" or "I'm sad that this terrible situation had to enter our life." But being the good Christian girl that I am, most of the time, I put on my cheerleader smile and cheerfully uttered a Biblical platitude, "His grace is sufficient!" "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" "Rejoice in the Lord always!"
So tell me my faithful friends, how honest am I when everything in me wants to rant and rave at someone, "What you did to me was AWFUL! You hurt me and I wish I could sock you in the face!" But instead I gloss over my feelings with a smile and forgive 70 x 7? How honest am I when I want to scream I'm doubting God, my faith is floundering, and I'm tired of standing strong in Christ. But instead I calmly say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord?"
I guess that was what I was trying to say the other day about honesty. Lately I've been pondering how to reconcile letting Christ's love filter my feelings with the commandment to not bear false witness. Aren't I bearing false witness when someone wounds me and I want to scream, "Ow! That hurts!" Yet instead I show kindness and gently forgive?
Then taking that situation a little further.... For someone like me who consistently denies her anger, pushes aside her fear, instead donning the love of Christ... How do I combat the tide of negative emotions that surges against the dam of godliness I have erected. When there are just a few negative things pounding at the dam, I'm fine. But the year I have had has been like a monsoon, and the waters behind my dam are dangerously high!
Recently after MONTHS of extending grace, covering a sin over with love, and forgiving a grievous hurt done to me, a raindrop of accusation came my way and I WENT OFF! The floodgates were opened and the bile and anger the dam had been holding back SPEWED from me and all over the person who had hurt me. See I know THAT was not the godly way to handle those feelings, so what is? We are only human! When someone hurts us, even if we put on love and forgive them, there will be pain.... There must be a godly way to open up the floodgates and release some of that buildup... but how?
So I've reasked my questions:
How do we stay truthful about what we are feeling while being Christlike at the same time? Especially how do we do that when what's been done to us and our feelings about it are ANYTHING but Christlike.
AND
What do we do when we have a backup of un-Christlike feelings in our heart which is a result of filtering them out of our words and actions? How do we release those in a godly way?
If you have any more insights or ideas... PLEASE give them to me because I am still a bit befuddled.
OK, a couple of questions back. One, are you able to be completely honest to yourself or do you push things down and try to deny it? Two, are you able to be completely honest with God or do you try to smile and say that "I'm trusting You" even though you are really angry about your circumstances? Third, do you have a couple of friends that you can be honest with?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I would advocate for the vomiting up of all your emotions on the acquaintances in your life that ask you how you are. I don't think that they really want more than "fine". However, if someone comes and says, "No really, how are YOU?" They are ready and willing to listen and maybe help. You shouldn't shrug that off, God may be using them to help lift your load.
Allison
I read a book on depression once. It talked about how a lot of people become depressed because they have emotions that they don't verbalize. They become like a pressure cooker and the pressure builds and builds until something has to give and they either explode, or become depressed. They said that simply to say out loud "that hurts my feelings" or "it makes me angry when..." once you verbalize it, the feelings dissipate. I think the key to being Christlike is to verbalize the emotions in a calm manner.
ReplyDeleteMaybe for you that means waiting until the next day and saying "you know, it hurt my feelings when you said..." Or if someone asks you how you are and you aren't well, you could just say "I could use your prayers." or "I'm struggling a little".
I think it bothers children, who are very perceptive, when they know things aren't well and someone asks their parents and they hear their parents say "just wonderful". I know that bothered me growing up. Seems fake.