One year ago...

Stitches

September 8, 2009... Some things are so fuzzy.  Some things are so clear.  I clearly remember sitting in a little vending machine alcove with Amber trying to keep our minds off what was going on in the operating room.  I hardly remember handing the kids off to my sister.  I remember Shane prayed with us before the pre-op nurse wheeled John away, but I don't remember much of what we said or did other than that..  I remember John left so quickly I didn't feel I had enough time with him and what if....  (Well you KNOW)...  What if that was the last time I saw him?  I remember how puffy he looked the first time I saw him after surgery, and I remember I cried tears of joy that he had made it through mingled with tears of sadness for how miserable he was.  I can't remember how long he was in that first ICU, but I remember the other family in the waiting room there.  I remember that their loved one wasn't expected to recover fully.  I remember eating TONS AND TONS of Noodles & Company.  I remember Amanda and Amber helping me watch the clock so we could tell John exactly how many minutes till he could press his morphine button.  I remember there was a hot male nurse Amber was sweating, but I couldn't pick him out of a line up.   And I remember the grumpy AWFUL nurse who preceded him.  I remember I hardly slept at all that week...  A few stolen winks on a family room couch... A few restless moments on an air mattress at my sister's.  I remember the AWFUL 2nd ICU, and its horrid brightness.  I remember the luxurious room we got once John got out of ICU.  I remember that it seemed we were at the hospital for years, but in reality we only spent 4 days there!  For BRAIN SURGERY! 

Daddy is my BFF

I remember tons of great nurses, doctors, therapists (most of the icky ones have faded away into fuzziness).  I remember my family and friends taking over care of the children, especially Cori caring for them EVERY spare unaccounted for minute.  I remember thinking over and over and OVER again, "The stress of all this should be killing me.  Why isn't it killing me?" I know now why...  because I was surrounded by a vast cloud of prayer.  I remember friends, family, even complete strangers blessing us with gifts, prayer, meals, food, advice, financial support.  I remember the sweetest of sweet (a little girl asking her daddy to send us 7 cents from her piggy bank), the crazy LAVISH (3 diff people gave us LARGE amounts - enough to pay the rent!), the very sacrificial (a friend whose family had struggled with unemployment for over a year slipped a folded up bill into my hand at church)....

Watchin TV in the hospital

But here it is ladies and gentlemen, what I remember the most:  He was right there with us through the whole thing.  He didn't drop the ball.  He didn't wring His hands.  He gathered us in His arms.  He buoyed us up with His people.  He healed my husband with a skillful surgeon from his tool box.  He carried us, He loved us, He provided for us, He stayed by us!

On our way home...

I don't know what you're facing today... I have friends facing foreclosure... I have a friend who just inherited FIVE children he is trying to keep together as a family.... I have friends struggling with a mysterious illness... Another struggling with the pain of divorce brought on by unfaithfulness... ALL of these needs and MORE are on my heart this morning.... A year and a half ago my heart would have felt such DEEP sadness for these situations.  Today, I feel a little sadness, but mostly I feel awe, wonder and expectation!  I know that I know that I KNOW that our God WILL come through for all of you in miraculous ways!  Just ask Him and then look for the answers.  

Last year, He pulled us through things I thought I could never make it through (a mini-stroke, being out of work for TWO MONTHS with no pay).  We hit rock bottom, time and time and TIME again last year, and we learned to cherish each and every day as a blessing from God.  I believe with all of me that He will pull you through too.  If you have a little time and want a little encouragement go back and read (or re-read) my blogs from last year:  August, September, October.... we were in the belly of the beast, and here we stand today having made it through by the grace of God.  He will get you through too!  So hang on and let Him carry you.

I *heart* my blog readers!

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

I Thessalonians 5:11

WOW! Thank you ALL so much! I got a ton of encouragement from yesterday's comments/replies. (Oh and aren't the reaction buttons FUN?!?!?!) It was so good to hear that my "debasement" encourages people. If what I am going through ministers to just ONE person, then I consider the humiliation of laying it all out there, WELL worth it! So on I share... get ready because the roller coaster ride continues:

About an hour after I posted my blog yesterday, John returned home in the minivan. I rushed out to greet him and said, "Show me those brake lights, baby!" I saw no lights. My stomach fell a little. I asked, "Are you pressing the brake?" He confirmed he was. "Ummmmm nothing is happening." I said feeling a little sick. "Try the blinker." Nope! Nada! "Are the headlights on?" They were. No taillights either.

So our little problem was NOT actually fixed. Joy! Joy! We called the repair shop (which keep in mind had our Buick in its lot waiting to be looked at), and our friend Stevie apologized profusely. He promised that HE would be the one to work on the van this time, and he would figure out what the problem was, and he agreed to pick it up from our house on Monday because we NOW are actually carless. He also agreed to try to get a look at the Buick right away so we could at least have one car back.

A recheck of the van indicated that we actually had taillights and brake lights, IF we were not using the blinkers, but once the blinker was used, the taillights and brake lights were gone. So we decided to jet to Franklin and borrow my parents truck so John would be able to get to and from work. I tried hard not to use the blinker the whole way.

So here we are. We have NO working vehicle. We have borrowed my parents truck (not sure how long we can use it though), and John can get to and from work, but we still have not heard anything about the Buick and the minivan's problem remains undiagnosed. Wanna know the weird thing? I'm not scared. Really! I promise you. I'm not! I'm not discouraged. I keep pinching myself thinking maybe I'm asleep or something, but I'm not discouraged at all. Wanna know the weirdest thing? I'm kinda excited and happy. Now before you call social services to come get my children because they are being cared for by an insane woman, PLEASE let me explain.

I'm excited because I am EXPECTING something HUGE from God. I really am. I am expecting a HUMDINGER to WOW the world on this one. That's part of why I rushed down here to blog about this today. See if the miracle happens BEFORE I get to put the crazy, DIRE, need-the-red-sea-parted situation out there, then it will lose a little of it's SHEBANG! when I finally tell it. I wanted you to hear the situation, to feel the need, and to have a chance to be a part of the MIRACLE! Pray right this instant. STOP your reading and PRAY that God takes care of the Kastner's transportation situation. Because I promise you with ALL of me, if you pray you WILL see that prayer answered and you WILL be part of a miracle. I know with all of me the Kastners will see miracles through this. We already have seen one: while carless, John is still driving to and from work thanks to a loaner car from his generous in-laws. So QUICK pray so you can be a part of the next miracle which is coming.

I'm also happy. I swear I'm not just working hard to find good in a bad situation. I am really, truly giddy happy over this. John gets to drive the truck! Even if it is for only just a few days, he has been reunited with a past love, and it is AWESOME for him. In case you don't know, the truck used to be ours, but desperate finances caused for desperate measures, and we handed the truck back over to my parents. That truck was the NICEST vehicle John has ever "owned" (granted the bank owned it and we were making payments to them for it... but you get what I'm saying right?) My husband is not a proud man. He GRATEFULLY drives a 1990"ish" Buick LeSabre, with no a/c (and no longer any blower motor even), with a driver's seat which is stuck in recline, with a driver's side window that doesn't roll down, and with a "Don't let the car fool you, my treasure is in heaven" bumper sticker. He thanks God for the little beater every day because it CONTINUES to get him to and from work, and because it was a MIRACLE from Heaven as our Pastor and his wife GAVE it to us for FREE. So I know that I know that I know that he would never speak an ill word of his precious little beater Buick, and that he is not too proud to drive it. However, I also know that he is LOVING driving that truck again. In his heart, that baby will always be "his" and while he doesn't love it more than Jesus or me or his children... no matter who "owns" it he will ALWAYS love that thing with a deep and abiding love. So I am HAPPY that in the midst of this trying time, with his neck still throbbing from his recent setback and with the stress of having not one but TWO vehicles in the shop, that he is at least able to have a LITTLE bit of comfort from being reunited with his love truck.

So where's the lesson Jami? Well... this morning I was reading James 1 and something hit me. Now I have memorized the ENTIRE book of James (with my sixth graders in 1996... are you one of them? shout out and say you memorized it for me!) so I KNOW this verse. However, this morning it hit me in a different way.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

James 1:2

PURE joy it says. PURE!!!! I thought about the word "pure" for a little bit. I thought about the fact that one tiny little speck can make something "impure." So PURE joy conjures up the idea of NOT ONE SPECK of worry, fear, doubt, anger. NOTHING but JOY when you face a trial. I do not know if my joy right now is pure, but I do know that it is the closest thing to pure it has ever been. I keep thinking, "Shouldn't I be stressing about this?" The thought will flit through my head, "Shouldn't my tummy be in at least a little bit of knots?" I almost feel guilty like shouldn't I at least have a "healthy" amount fear about this situation? But I don't. Am I a little inconvenienced because of it? Sure! I forgot to get coffee yesterday at Wal-Mart so I am drinking my LAST cup of coffee this morning. However, once again I am unable to drive even to Mayville to get some. Am I a little disappointed because of this situation? Sure! We missed out on a lake party John's boss was having yesterday. Not only had I prepared TWO dishes to bring along, but the kids had been wearing life jackets ALL day in anticipation of the event and then we couldn't go. Do I wish a little for the easy way out? Sure! I would find it GREAT if I looked out my window to find God had dropped a BRAND new fuel-efficient, 4-wheel drive vehicle which seats 7 on my driveway. He could even put a pretty red bow on top for effect. But in spite of all these feelings there is no worry, no fear, no anger. I am excited in anticipating the resolution of this matter and I am happy that John gets a little time to re-kindle his love for his "baby" (a pretty black Chevy truck).

So maybe that is my lesson today.... PURE joy. Not just searching for good in the bad, but really truly just having JOY

*JOY that we were considered worthy to be used as God's billboard again

*JOY that we were chosen to be the recipients of another miracle of God (for what else is it but a miracle when you are driving to work but you don't have a working vehicle???)

*JOY that we are poised to be the recipients of another miracle (for He did NOT bring us out this far to take us back again!)

*JOY that John gets to drive the truck again

*JOY that no matter what He has us in His capable hands.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

James 1:2

[One quick prayer request: Tomorrow John is having a neuro cognitive test done to establish a base line so the doctor can track if his memory issues are a result of a nerological problem. It is an eight hour test! PLEASE pray for him.]

God's billboard.....

So yesterday I spent some time skimming through my blog entries and adding labels to them in order to encourage people to read more parts of my blog. As I read I started to feel a deepening sense of shame settle upon me. Ugh! Our life as chronicled in my blog reads like a never-ending story of destitution! I started to feel embarrassment and shame creep in. Maybe I shouldn't be telling everyone all this. It is so HUMILIATING! I felt a quiet whisper to my soul, "I have a purpose. This is not for nothing." Without fully getting the "purpose" I plodded on finishing up my labeling and moving on to another task.

Later I was sharing this with Christina. I said to her, "I guess my faith must just be REALLY weak because it keeps on being tested." She responded with words that comforted my soul, but more than that, I believe they were a word directly from God. She said, "No.... Your faith is really STRONG. People around you need to have their faith strengthened and God knows you are strong enough to do that for us." I pondered that a little and tucked it away.

Finally, the third piece of the puzzle came to me during Family Worship. We were singing the song Undignified by the David Crowder Band. We got to this part:

And I'll become

Even more undignified than this

Some may say

It's foolishness

And I'll become

Even more undignified than this

Leave my pride

By my side

and it HIT me! HARD! Maybe God is calling me to lay my shame and humiliation out there for everyone to see so that they can ALSO see His power and greatness revealed through it, and if that is the CASE!!!!! I'll become even more undignified than this!!! I completely WILL leave my pride by my side! This stinks! It is humiliating! I'd much prefer to be living with creature comforts... bills paid on time... vehicles that WORK! but if just ONE person sees Jesus through my humiliation, then BRING IT ON! Let me be debased! Let me be humbled! Let me be poorer then poor for I am being used by God.

This morning God revealed more to me: John and I are a billboard for God. He is using us to broadcast His power because he found us to be strong enough to take it and to have big enough mouths to blab about even the embarrassing parts of our struggles!

Here's what happened this morning..... If you've been keeping up on my blog, you know that our minivan is in the shop. The original estimate was $600. A preliminary report (which we thought was their "final answer") was that the repair would only cost $118.92; however, not too long after, we were told that was only the figure for the FIRST thing they were trying to fix the problem. We have been CLINGING to hope and REFUSING to let the devil make us worry since TUESDAY. Yet still NO answer from the repair shop.

Yesterday John's Buick started having some troubles. We prayed HARD, but this morning he called me at about 9 a.m. and said he could NOT get the car into gear. Trying not to panic at the thought of being completely without a car, I called my parents who are out of town for the weekend (and by my count would have at least two if not three unused cars sitting in front of their house right now). Dad said, "Go get the truck." So I started making plans to figure out how to pick up the truck, while John called the repair shop to see if they could tell him what the problem might be with the Buick.

I went in and rallied the troops. Told them that we needed to pray for a miracle. The kids sat up rubbing sleep out of their eyes and immediately bowed their heads. After we prayed for a miracle, I returned to the kitchen and started texting my "prayer warriors." Before I could even FINISH the text, John was calling back. When he called to ask about the Buick, he was told the minivan was READY. While the guy didn't have the exact total, he remembered it was less than $130!!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!! I didn't even have time to ask my friends to PRAY for a miracle before I received it!

Over and over and over again over the past few weeks God has been speaking to me, "If God is for us who can be against us?" That is what I want to speak to you today. For those of you who need a miracle RIGHT now, please listen closely and read this part carefully: He already has your miracle PREPARED! Just because you don't see it yet, doesn't mean it isn't coming!!! Do you believe that He is on your side???? Then what does it matter what you face??? You have a BIG HUGE GOD on your side! Doesn't matter what the devil has on his side. It can't compare to what you have.

Let's imagine that Elijah and a bunch of 7 year olds are going to play basketball. Let's say that standing among the 7-year olds waiting to be picked for a team is Shaquille O'Neal. Elijah is a team captain, and he gets first pick. He, OF COURSE, picks Shaq. Does it matter who the other kid picks for his team???? Does it matter if he takes ALL the 7 year olds available???? Elijah has SHAQUILLE O'NEAL on his team!!!! The game is OVER before it begins!

That is what you have. Does it matter if the other side scores a few points? Does it matter if they win a few battles??? You have GOD on your side!!! We ALL know that NO ONE can beat God so Satan can have his trivial little victories for in the end.... GOD WINS!

I hope this installment of the Kastner's destitution turns into a MIRACULOUS victory for God has encouraged you. I know it encouraged me... and Christina... and Rosalind...

The miracle of life: a cat's birth story

On Monday evening, our little Mercie Mae gave birth to four healthy kittens. Go ahead and laugh at the new country peops... we thought she was too young to get preggos. Turns out a kitten "becomes a woman" quite earlier than a human. In our ignorance, we started letting our NOT-fixed kitty freely roam our country locale, and before you know it, one too many late nights led to a very bulging abdomen.

As the end of her pregnancy approached I kept lamenting, "I'm not even a cat person!" I was thinking, "Yeah! This is JUST what I need! Because I didn't have enough stuff to do around here already." When her behavior changed significantly on Monday morning, it became QUITE evident we'd be helping her birth those kittens soon. I had read on the Internet (what in the WORLD did we do before Google???) that because of her young age, there was a high chance that Mercie would have a small liter, give birth to dead kittens, and/or have no interest in the kittens. The Internet gave details on how to help your cat give birth just in case she showed no interest. "Ewwwwww!" I screamed out to God after reading the instructions, "I can't be a cat midwife! I didn't even like being in the room when I gave birth!"

Well, Mia Peiffer, my friend's daughter, wanted to be informed when the kittens were born. She called on Monday night to check if they were here yet. I told her no kittens yet and hung up the phone. Within five minutes of that call I heard the first kitten mewling. It was like she was prophetic! I quickly called John, and we stood watch to "help" Mercie with her labor. What happened amazed me and filled me with wonder at how great our God is. (I'm not gonna lie it also made me gag SEVERAL times.)

Our Mercie Mae, still really a kitten herself, knew exactly what to do. She did everything just like the Internet said she would. AMAZING! How did she do that? I didn't buy her a kitten version of What to Expect When You're Expecting. She just KNEW. The instincts God gave her kicked in and she just KNEW!

What an amazing God we serve! What an incredible Creator! He took the time to make sure that EVERY SINGLE creature on this earth would know EXACTLY how to bring new life into this world! This silly little kitty knew exactly how to bring those kittens into this world. She has also become QUITE the great momma cat, caring for those kittens like a pro.

It reminds me of "consider the lilies of the field..." If God cared THIS much about cats, how much MORE does he care about you! You are so much more precious to Him then a cat! You are created in His image! You are the apple of his eye! You are important enough to Him that He sent His ONE and ONLY Son to die for you! Do you really think He doesn't see your problems? Do you really think He doesn't know about your pain? Do you really think He doesn't care? Pshaw! He sees. He knows. He cares.

P.S. Stay turned for a "Free to a good home" post in a few months!

An open Thank You to all of our Christmas Angels

This Christmas, the one which closed out the most difficult year in the history of the Kastner family, was the best Christmas we have EVER had. Thanks entirely to the generosity of God's Christmas Angels, the Kastner children had a better Christmas then they have ever had before.

As Christmas approached, John and I started to realize that we might not be able to give the children any Christmas gifts this year. God was so generously providing for our needs during this time; however, we weren't sure presents would qualify as a need. So many had given us generous gifts, and we were sure God would get us through the rest of this trial with food in our bellies and a roof over our heads; however, we did not at all anticipate the "cherry on top of the sundae" He would provide. We gently began to prepare the children for this reality. Jeremiah so wise beyond his years said, "That's okay mom. I have everything I need in this wonderful family."

But then in a gesture designed solely to show us how much He loves us. In a totally unnecessary and purely lavish act, God impressed upon Christmas Angels to bless us. First from New Mexico arrived the presents Santa "accidentally delivered" to the wrong place. Then the cafeteria ladies from John's building sent home a ridiculous amount of loot for the children. Finally, we were contacted by our church and told a family from the community would like to provide presents for our Christmas. And of course there were the typical GOBS of presents the children are always blessed with from Oma, Poppa, and Riri. We were blessed beyond measure with an AMAZING Christmas. While I am eternally grateful for the smiles on the faces of our children and the joy in their hearts over all the Christmas presents they received, it is for the intangible, everlasting gifts that I am most grateful. Our children learned lessons of generosity and kindness that I do not think they will ever forget. Through the gifts of our Christmas Angels, our children learned that God doesn't just care for their needs He cares for their wants too. Through the gifts of our Christmas Angels, our children were inspired, and they are already saving some of their allowance for next Christmas so they can bless a family just like we were blessed.

John and I were humbled to the point of tears over the charitable gifts we were given this Christmas (and actually since the beginning of this ordeal), but it is not for the tangible things that I am finding myself most grateful. I am finding myself most grateful that my children know, I mean REALLY know, that God will always provide for them. That they have learned to depend on Him and Him alone for all their needs. That they have learned to be humble and generous and to always look for ways to bless others. Truly this brain surgery, this entire year.... what Satan had crafted to be the destruction of this family and our faith has become our greatest triumph. We are stronger than we were at the beginning of 2009 and we will NEVER let go of the faith that got us through all of this.

Thank you to ALL of our Angels (Christmas, Fall, rent, and food Angels). We are truly blessed because of you.

Miracle update....

I keep meaning to write an eloquent piece on this, complete with a spiritual application, but I am soooooo swamped today! My work is pouring in (PRAISE THE LORD!). My dear friend lost her mother last night to a motorcycle accident. I feel as if I have things swirling all about my head and I'm not sure which to attend to first. Christina has taken FULL priority today and my need to obsessively check in on her has taken complete precedence. But I know so many are waiting for news on how it went at the house yesterday. So here it is: cut and pasted from the e-mail I sent my family late last night. It isn't very eloquent and there isn't a spiritual application, but here's the dirt:

It went VERY well today. The house is in some ways much better than we had anticipated and in some ways not as nice as we had anticipated.

For example:

MUCH better
*the tile in the kitchen is MUCH better than we could tell from the picture
*there is a 4th room in the basement which has a HUMONGOUS closet attached to it
*there is soooooo much storage room: closets tucked away everywhere, 5 garages worth of space, a GREAT mudroom

Not as nice
*the garden I saw in the backyard was not on “our” property it was the neighbors
*the washer & dryer hookup is in the main level bathroom; that was a little weird
*I was walking up the stairs onto the deck and the stairway broke off and fell away. The owner will fix that but it was NOT cool.

However, overall we are still VERY much in like with this house. We are talking about renting it on or around 8/1 and later figuring out the details of the rent-to-own contract. This will involve a portion of our rent being applied to our down payment after our 2-year lease ends. That fact alone makes it such a wise move for us, as right now every penny we pay in rent results in NO return on our money. Also since we will not be tied into buying at the end of 2 years, if it is a HORRIBLE place we just choose not to buy it. This would kinda be like a rental move with a GREAT option at the end of the lease… apply some of the money we’ve paid in rent to a down payment and buy the place.

So where we stand right now: the owner is sending us an application so we can get a lease agreement nailed down. Then we are going to be in a FLURRY to get packed up and out of this place in just about 7 weeks! Please keep on praying. This pretty much seems like a no-brainer… almost no commitment from us (other than renting for the next 2 years) and TONS of benefits should this house turn out to be the place we want to purchase. So now please just pray for all of the things we have to get done in the next 7 weeks. As you all know, John and I both have little to NO free time…. But effective immediately we have to start cleaning up, throwing out and packing up… AHHHHHHH! All for a GREAT result though… taking one more step in the direction of becoming homeowners.

Oh and for all those who expressed worries about us moving so “far away”…. tonight we made it home in 55 minutes flat! Door-to-door!

Poised on the threshold of a miracle....

It started a few months ago. John said to me one day, “Do you realize that we have put $80,000 into renting this place?” I had never really thought of it that way. I love my house. I love its location. We have NO way to qualify for the purchase of a home. So I never really batted an eye at the almost $1,000 rent check we’ve written every month for the past 7 years and 5 months. As the bile rose up in my throat, I decided to start petitioning God for a miracle. I wrote on my prayer list (right next to secondary form of transportation), “house.” I shared this with John who was not very optimistic. He said, “Jami do NOT get your hopes up. There is NO way we are going to be able to buy a house.” I threw back at him the words of one of our favorite movies, “Tell me Coach Taylor. What’s impossible with God?” I then proceeded to pray.

Fast forward about one month, I started the process of reconnecting with a former cheerleader. She lives far away in butt-nowhere Wisconsin, so the first time we met, we picked a place halfway between and planned a play date. Our children played well together, so we decided to see if our hubbies played well together too. We planned to get together on Memorial Day, and the fateful decision was made to meet at their house.

Driving out to Iron Ridge, WI dredged up old memories in our hearts. This was where our old church was. It is the setting for all of our fantasies about our “dream house.” Our Memorial Day celebration at Borkenhagen Manor (yes their house is impressive enough to deserve this title) was AMAZING! It was love at first sight for our husbands and our first born children. We didn’t referee one fight, and we spent over eight hours together just enjoying ourselves.

At some point we began joking about buying the property across the street from them. Ben and Stacey informed us not only was it for sale, but it had been vacant for over a year. The very next weekend found us back at Borkenhagen Manor. The “boys” (the big boys that is) went fishing and the women did what women do, minded the house and the children. Inevitably the jokes about the house across the street came up again, “It would be SO much more convenient if you just lived across the street.” On this occasion, we decided to take our pipe dream a little further by walking across the street, circling the house and peeking in the windows. It was no dream house, but it was WAY far above anything we could even conceive of purchasing. It is a 3 bedroom, 2 bath ranch with a finished exposed basement. The house sits on nearly 2 acres of land. (click here for photos)

We never really prayed for this specific house. I plugged along praying faithfully that God would give this family a home so we could start making an investment instead of throwing our money away on rent without really picturing this one in my head. Well this week at almost the exact same moment, John and I independently came to the exact same conclusion, “We should contact the seller and see if he would consider a rent-to-own situation.” We reasoned the house has been on the market and vacant for so long with hardly a bite, maybe the owner was getting antsy and would consider such a situation.

Right now we are poised on the threshold of a miracle. We are praying HARD that God will lead and direct us. I do not know how to explain the mixture of excitement and apprehension inside of me. Here’s how I put it, “I asked God to give us a house, but I didn’t expect Him to really do it.” This coming weekend we are meeting with the owner to see the inside of the house and discuss a rent-to-own contract.

It went down something like this: Monday we sent an e-mail to the realtor who is listing the house asking if a rent-to-own situation would be considered. We heard nothing all week. Friday Stacey sent me a text that said, “Do you think it would help if we talked to the owner? He is over there cutting the grass right now.” I said, “Couldn’t hurt.” She sent Ben over to talk to him, and he returned with good news. The owner was getting very anxious. He told Ben he is NOT looking forward to paying two mortgages through another winter. He said he is very interested and could Ben pass his number along to us. John contacted him directly, and there was more good news. The monthly amount he is considering is between $150 less to just $50 more than our current rent. What?!?! We thought. We might get into this house for LESS that we currently pay in rent?!?!?! Tonight we timed the drive from our possible new house to the new venue for New Day Church. It is just 53 minutes! That was, for us, another hurdle cleared.

Besides spending this coming week in almost constant prayer, we are researching rent-to-own agreements and land contracts. Please, please, please keep the Kastners (especially John and I) in your prayers. We desperately desire only God’s will. We have always believed that the first step to building wealth is home ownership; however, we have always felt left out of that blessing because of our terrible financial condition. This place we are standing in is both terrifying and awe-inspiring. Initially we were keeping this crazy situation “close to our coats.” We are such unlikely candidates for a miracle such as this. It is still just such a pipe dream. However, the closer we get, and the more it seems like it might actually be a possibility, we are desperately coveting prayer.

We are not asking that you pray we get this house. We are asking that you pray God closes the doors He wants closed and opens the doors He wants open. Finally, pray that we will have the courage to walk through whatever doors God opens up.

Thank you so much, and I promise to keep you updated.

Thank you Jesus for this truck [car] (part 3)

It has been a long week full of ups and downs for the Kastners. On Monday, I used my grocery money to pay the tax/title/license fees on the new truck. On Tuesday said truck died. We fought hard all week to cling to our hope and not get discouraged.

At one point, John said to me, “Babe, God came to Satan and said, ‘See John & Jami. See how they are praising me for that little piece of junk truck.’ Satan said, ‘Sure they are praising you for that truck. You gave them what they wanted. See what they do if you let me take that truck away.’” Well, as discouraged, confused and even angry as we were, we REFUSED to stop praising Him this week. We were NOT about to give Satan even a tiny victory.

The news of a miracle coming our way came right away Tuesday night. We started praying but did not want to broadcast it until it came to pass. Last night it came to fruition. Our Pastor and his wife have been looking for a new vehicle. On Tuesday they both came to the same conclusion at the same moment, God wanted them to give their old vehicle to us. The fact that they both had the idea at the same time was confirmation enough for them, but the fact that the vehicle had been given to them many years earlier when they were in need just sweetened the deal. They felt it was the legacy of this car to be given again to a family in need.

Last night when we went to pick up their old Buick LeSabre, they apologized over and over for the car. “It doesn’t have any automatic locks or windows. There are some scratches and the paint is peeling. We just hope it will last you for awhile.” I was thinking, “Are these beautiful, generous people seriously apologizing to us for the condition of the FREE car they are giving us?”

So it seems in 7 days God has taken us full circle: answered our prayers with a truck which was taken away only to receive a completely free secondary form of transportation. During that seven day cycle, I have learned A LOT. So here goes.

1. …if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously…. Romans 12:8

My Pastor is a very eloquent man. God speaks through Him on a regular basis and in mighty ways. Yet some of the lessons I have learned the best from him have been through watching him model what the Bible says. This was one of those times. I watched he and his wife live out this verse in real life, and I took notes. I vowed that no matter how desperate our situation gives, we will keep on contributing to the needs of others. We will keep on giving generously of our time, of our love, of our home, of our food. No matter WHAT the Kastners will follow this example and strive to continue to live out this verse.

2. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9

Throughout the past few days, I have over and over again had to come to grips with the fact that we may never “know why.” We prayed and prayed and prayed about the decision to get this specific truck. We did homework. We test drove. We were as careful as you can be when you are looking to buy a piece of junk. Yet still the truck died just four days after we got it. We may never be able to answer the question of why on this one. We just have to trust that whether we find out why or not, we KNOW that His ways are best.

3. Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. Philippians 1:12

On Tuesday after I blogged about the truck dying, I received an e-mail from a friend. She had received a letter telling her she was being offered the job she wanted. The next day she received notice that she was supposed to have received a rejection letter but the wrong letter was sent to her. She said my blog inspired her to not to give up. If she is the only person who was encouraged through our suffering, it is worthwhile. If others are pointed towards Jesus, given the hope to go one, encouraged to greater heights of faith, that makes what we are going through worth it.

So here I am at the close of a topsy turvy week. I am praising God for his miraculous provision. I am so grateful for the generosity of His people. But let me end this blog like I ended the last. Don’t you dare think for one second that I am any more safe and secure in my Father’s arms today than I was four days ago. This has been a difficult week, but through it all I have rested safe and secure in my Father’s arms.

This week has reminded me a lot of one of my favorite songs, Blessed be Your Name. This week I have FELT this chorus DEEPLY: You give and take away. You give and take away. And through the whole entire thing, I can very honestly tell you that I did follow through with the end of the chorus: My heart will CHOOSE to say. Lord blessed be Your name. So now this Saturday I say: Thank you Jesus for this little old Buick LeSabre and the legacy of generosity it represents.

Thank you Jesus for this truck (part 2)

The feelings are still all jumbled in my brain and my heart, so please excuse me if they come out a mess. John called a little bit ago to tell me that the truck was sputtering, spewing out blue/black smoke, and would not go over 30 miles per hour. My head spun and my stomach started to hurt. I full well know all the proverbial sayings which fit this situation: you get what you pay for, buyer beware, be careful on craigslist (okay that one’s not really a proverb). Yet they don’t help at all. When we were sitting on the side of that street after test-driving this thing, we were nervous and we prayed, and every day since then we have nervously waited as John turned the key fearing that our worst suspicions would be confirmed and the cheap p.o.c. (piece of crap) would reveal its true colors.

So now that our worst fears about this truck have been realized, what do we do? How to reconcile the blog of three days ago Thank you Jesus for this truck with today’s blog?

I guess the first thing you do is pray, and you rally the troops around you to pray. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 You pray because He holds all the answer. You pray because He is all powerful. But being gut-wrenchingly honest, you pray because it is about the only thing you can do.

Next I think you remind yourself that He is in control. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth (or this truck) give way and the mountains (or this truck) fall into the heart of the sea, Psalm 46:2 This whole situation did not take our God by surprise. He is not wringing His hands wondering what to do. He can see the final outcome, and He is in control even when it feels out of control.

Finally, you remind yourself that He has your best interest in mind. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 No matter what it feels like. No matter what it looks like. God is working things out for your ultimate and eternal good. Never forget that no matter how badly Satan tries to tell you otherwise.

I wanted so badly to just gloss over this situation. To only blog about the nicer things. To only reveal the less embarrassing foibles of the Kastners. But I felt such a strong urging from God to lay this all out there. I think it is mostly because I need all of you who read this blog to please PRAY for us. We are discouraged and unsure of what to do. We need God’s touch, guidance, and help.

So there it all is. The dirty laundry laid out for you. But no matter how ugly my pile of laundry looks, don’t you dare doubt for one second that I am JUST as safe and secure in my Father’s arms as I was three days ago. Therefore I am going to end this blog with what might seem like nonsense, but makes a whole lot of sense to me and God. “Thank you Jesus for this truck!”

Thank you Jesus for that truck!

“Father God, please provide a second form of transportation for this family.” I have been praying these words faithfully for the past five months. Over the past year, God had taken us from a two-car family with two car payments to a one-car family with one car payment. We believed strongly that this was the responsible thing to do and was one way that God was going to rescue us from our financial troubles. Initially, it was not so bad. It was winter. We homeschool. I work at home. Besides groceries and errands, we only have to leave the house for church and AWANA. Social events were difficult, but we were managing. The worst part was trying to squish all of my grocery shopping and errands into Thursday night, Saturday afternoon, and Sunday afternoon, the only times John was off.

Then spring came, soccer started, and things started heating up. The kids and I walked 1.5 miles one way to soccer practice, sometimes twice a week. We tried to arrange rides sometimes, and my family helped as much as they could. However, with four children you don’t fit in anything but a mini-van or Suburban. It was difficult, and even though I have law-enforcement officials reading this blog (close your eyes Aimee), I will admit that a few times I squished all four of them in the back of a sedan (two in one seatbelt). Only for very important things like we were freezing and needed to get home from soccer or when we went to see Danny Gokey. (Hush! That was VERY important!) The stress had really started building this week as my work schedule has been getting busy again too. I prayed at least once this week, "God something has GOT to give. I cannot do this anymore."

After five months of praying the same thing every day and not really having any idea how God would answer that prayer, I am typing this with tears in my eyes because I get to tell all of you: we have a second vehicle! We have been scouring Criagslist for junker trucks, old vans, even a few hatchbacks. We set the bar VERY low, maximum price $1000 and eventually upped it a little to $1500. We e-mailed and called on hundreds of vehicles. We looked at two last night and came home with the second. It is a 1994 Dodge with high mileage. It is a beast of a truck - big bed, huge engine. The exterior is rough, and there are a couple of things wrong with it, but we are thrilled!

This morning when I looked out the front window and saw it parked in front of our house I wanted to cry. As I walked this morning and prayed, I kept wanting to jump up and down and scream when I said, “Thank you Jesus for that truck!” And as I prayed, I couldn’t stop coming back to it, “Jesus please heal Hannah’s little eyes. Let the patching work and strengthen her eye. Help her to keep that patch on. Oh and THANK YOU FOR THAT TRUCK!” It kept creeping back into my prayers.

Before we went looking at the trucks last night, when we got to the first truck, when we got to the second truck, and before we made the decision to take it, we prayed. We prayed. We prayed. We prayed. On the way home, when we got home, as we cleaned out BOTH of our vehicles, and before we went to bed, we praised God and thanked Him. When I woke up this morning, as I walked and as I prayed, I kept thanking God. But all of a sudden as I traveled east down Drexel Avenue, it hit me. It hit me hard and stark. God answered my prayer! I am not sure exactly how to explain it, but I prayed for this through every step of the decision making process, and I thanked God for it when it came to fruition. But I had kinda forgotten that this had been on my prayer list for a LONG time and God answered it. All of a sudden, I had one of those moments where the Bible became so real to me:

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.
Matthew 21:22
You do not have, because you do not ask God.
James 4:2b
And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious
riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Sometimes we fly through life so quickly. We never take the time to stop and look around us and realize all the things that God has given us, all the prayers He has answered. I want to encourage you to stop today and look around. I know you may have hard things you are going through, but I also know that there are very likely things that He has given you that you can be thankful for. Yes the Kastners have struggled for a long time with financial troubles that are deep and dark. But we have a happy marriage. We have healthy children. We have family who loves and supports us. We have a church family we belong to. We have TWO VEHICLES! Most importantly, we have our Jesus! He walks with us through the hard and the good. He guides us, He protects us, He loves us, He forgives us, and he PROVIDES FOR US!

I just can’t stop saying: Thank you JESUS for that truck! And I hope you’ll look around today and find things you’re thankful for too. Then don't forget to say, "Thank you Jesus for _________!"