Selfish with responsibility

[Blog writers disclaimer:  I started this blog and halfway through kiddos started waking up.  I plodded on because my heart really needed to get this out, but I was bombarded by nearly CONSTANT interruptions and I have NO idea if this blog will make ANY sense or not.]

This week brought some rough encounters for me.  By Friday I was cowering in the corner licking my wounds.  I was contemplating complete hermit status to protect myself from the viciousness of the outside world.  However, this morning as I came awake, God spoke the answer to me, "Jami, you have to worry about your OWN self!"

See I spent the week reeling from and obsessing over painful blows dealt me by filter-deficient people, biased treatment, and being misunderstood.  I was starting to feel like pulling my head, arms, and legs inside my shell and hiding away for awhile.  I moaned and complained to God, "This hurts and I don't want to got through it!"  Last night I was at breaking point.  I went to bed with a wounded heart and defeated spirit.  But I awoke with hope and a path of action.

God revealed to me that I needed to get the focus off the pain that was inflicted upon me, and put the focus on what I could do to avoid those situations in the future.  See people are ALWAYS going to be fallible.  They are going to hurt me and let me down.  But in those situations, instead of obsessing over my pain and pointing the finger, God wants me to turn the finger around and figure out something I could do better.  If I've said it once, I've said it a MILLION times:  I am the ONLY one I have the power to change!

I am a self-admitted conflict-a-phob who has taken the directive from James (be slow to speak) a little too seriously.  I am WAY too likely to just absorb something painful in the spirit of peace.  However, constantly keeping my mouth shut gives people some type of permission to continue to ambush me with unfiltered comments, to assault me with unwanted advice, and to basically walk all over me.  Yes blessed are the peacemakers; however, being a peacemaker doesn't have to look like being a doormat.

This morning I have been mulling over the same wounds I was licking last night.  However, instead of cowering in the corner and whimpering over them, I've been examining them and posing the question to myself, "What should I have SAID in those situations to calmly but honestly express myself?"  SEVERAL months ago, a friend gave me some wisdom on this type of situation...  I'm not sure why I stopped applying it....  "simply to say out loud 'that hurts my feelings' or 'it makes me angry when...' once you verbalize it, the feelings dissipate. I think the key to being Christlike is to verbalize the emotions in a calm manner. "  


Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  I'm finally to the part where I'm going to explain the title of this blog!!!!  I think what God wants me to do is to start selfishly taking responsibility for the pain I feel instead of cowering in the corner pointing my finger at the person who hurt me.  I cannot do ANYTHING to change other people.  I can't fix their faulty filters.  I can't make them act in an unbiased manner.  I can't compel people to consider my feelings.  But I can control the way I respond in those situations.  I can calmly respond.  I can make sure I always employ my filter.  I can treat others fairly.  I can consider the feelings of others.  


I guess my encouragement to you today is to refuse to allow others to enslave you.  When we point the finger, when we blame other people, we are giving THEM power over us.  We are saying we are weaklings at their mercy.  We are saying we have no power...  THEY hurt us, THEY made us angry.   I always tell my children, "No one can MAKE you angry.  You allow what they did to bring your anger."  Take selfish responsibility for your pain or anger!  Look at what YOU can change!  Examine YOUR actions prior to the pain.  Because NONE of us can change anyone but ourselves. 


God bless and have a good day!

A wealth of wisdom from my faithful blog readers....

I got a WEALTH of wisdom from the comments/e-mails sent about this morning's blog! I finally think I have some answers to my questions! But this stuff was too good NOT to share so I'm going to let you all in on the secrets I was told. Don't worry I PROMISE to protect the identities of the wise ones in the bunch.

"Write down the things that you are holding onto...things that you are fearful of flowing out if your dam gets too full. Put them in a bucket and burn them up...as your way of handing them over to the Lord. Watch the smoke go up to the heavens....as you trust the Lord to do HIS THING.)" I liked this idea... If a hurt is coming back to "haunt you," this seems like it would be a good idea for dealing with it. Symbolic… Final… Bringing closure…. I’ve been seeing lately how good closure can feel. So I pocketed this idea for use in the future.

"…the acquaintances in your life that ask you how you are. I don't think that they really want more than ‘fine.’ However, if someone comes and says, 'No really, how are YOU?' They are ready and willing to listen and maybe help. You shouldn't shrug that off, God may be using them to help lift your load." This was a good kick in the pants to me… Many, many, many times when we were struggling last fall, someone would ask me how were we doing, and I could tell, I could just TELL that they really did NOT want to hear how we were REALLY doing. But there were also MANY times someone asked me how we were doing…. How we were REALLY doing… and I was too scared or numb or angry to answer. I should have seized the opportunity that God had given me….

Have I ever mentioned before how bad I am in person??? I am fairly adept at written communication, but in person, verbally, I STINK! In writing I have the chance to go back and read (and re-read) what I’ve said…. To make sure it conveys my point appropriately…. To make sure my words were presented in a Christlike manner… Not so much in verbal conversation… No chance to rewind and reword something. I get nervous because verbal communication takes away my delete button and what typically happens is one of two things: 1. I start to cry 2. I get diarrhea of the mouth and start to babble. THEREFORE, I am much better on paper than I am in person. Still this is NO excuse to ignore the prompting of the Lord. I vow from now on, if someone wants to know how I am doing.... how I am REALLY doing... I will be transparent even if they are asking me in person and not in e-mail.

"Once burnt.... twice shy..." I think this is an adage I should employ more often. I know I've talked before of being accused of being too forgiving. While I do not think there is such a thing as "too forgiving," I do think that I tend to move too quickly back into relationship with people who have hurt me and that I need to practice this saying a little more in order to protect my heart. Which leads me to a second comment, which I think goes hand in hand with it…. "When someone has done something horrible it's ok to say. 'I'm working through the process of forgiving you, God is helping me through this, and I'm not yet ready to resume a relationship.'" Taking this a step further, I now am starting to believe it is not only possible, but sometimes also the wisest choice available, to forgive a person and NEVER step back into relationship with them.

"I have wrestled with continuing in relationship with someone who ALWAYS sees the worst in me." I have decided that I have WAY too many people like this in my life…. People who are quick to assume the worst in me. People who standing before something I did or said will typically interpret it negatively and assume I meant to hurt them. People who seem unable to give me the benefit of the doubt that I did NOT mean to hurt them. I struggle and stay in relationship with them because maybe God wants me to be an example to them and help them see how to expect the best in others??? Maybe I’m supposed to put on my cheerleader smile and think the best of them and change the situation??? Here I think is the crux of the situation I am dealing with…. When I continually extend a hand of peacefulness, believing the best in someone and I am continually met with their negative opinion of me… it HURTS like Hades! That is the gunk that builds up…. I try and try and TRY to cover over that hurt with love but it tends to build and build and BUILD…. But this leads me to:

The winning comment…. DING! DING! DING! DING! We have a WINNER over here! Here was the comment that most completely ministered to my angst. The one, complete solution to my dilemma "simply to say out loud 'that hurts my feelings' or 'it makes me angry when...' once you verbalize it, the feelings dissipate. I think the key to being Christlike is to verbalize the emotions in a calm manner. " And that folks was the closing act! That was exactly what I needed to hear! Exactly what revealed my problem. I thought that being Christlike included admitting to myself something hurt me or made me angry and hashing it out with God honestly… but I could not figure out what to do with that leftover feeling of anger and hurt so they built up in me and were causing extreme emotional distress… Now I feel like Louis Pasteur gazing in wonder at penicillin… This is going to be life-changing… this is going to be earth shattering! If I can learn to simply without accusation or viciousness of any kind, say, “It hurt my feelings that...” or “It makes me angry when…” I think I will be slowly releasing the pressure behind the dam…. Nothing will be allowed to build up for it would be expressed as soon as it happens… Not only will the dam of Christ's love make a difference on my outside… It will be changing the inside of me too… AND or the glorious AND… I will finally be able to feel that I am being honest… really truly honest about what I think and feel… Gone will be this nagging feeling that I am somehow being disingenuous.

I don’t know if this little journey through Jami’s struggle has ministered to anyone else, but I feel a peace in my heart that this was NOT all for naught. God used all of YOU to lead ME to a revelation this time (and some of you didn’t even have to go public with your musings J). But don’t be deceived… that knocking sound you hear is my knees colliding because I am trembling in fear over my first dose of honesty. Oh Lord give me strength!

Go with God y’all! And try as hard as you can to walk in complete honesty… I have a feeling it will be good for all of our souls.

More on honesty....

Mmmkay even though I got some really good insights after my last post they still didn't really answer my questions. I think I didn't ask them right. So I'm gonna try again....

Back when John had brain surgery, and people would ask me how we were doing, there were times I wanted to SCREAM, "I'm terrified I'm going to lose my husband!" or "I'm hacked off that for the past four months we have been walking through the fiery furnace and EVERY time we absorb one blow another blow is RIGHT there!" or "I'm sad that this terrible situation had to enter our life." But being the good Christian girl that I am, most of the time, I put on my cheerleader smile and cheerfully uttered a Biblical platitude, "His grace is sufficient!" "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" "Rejoice in the Lord always!"

So tell me my faithful friends, how honest am I when everything in me wants to rant and rave at someone, "What you did to me was AWFUL! You hurt me and I wish I could sock you in the face!" But instead I gloss over my feelings with a smile and forgive 70 x 7? How honest am I when I want to scream I'm doubting God, my faith is floundering, and I'm tired of standing strong in Christ. But instead I calmly say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord?"

I guess that was what I was trying to say the other day about honesty. Lately I've been pondering how to reconcile letting Christ's love filter my feelings with the commandment to not bear false witness. Aren't I bearing false witness when someone wounds me and I want to scream, "Ow! That hurts!" Yet instead I show kindness and gently forgive?

Then taking that situation a little further.... For someone like me who consistently denies her anger, pushes aside her fear, instead donning the love of Christ... How do I combat the tide of negative emotions that surges against the dam of godliness I have erected. When there are just a few negative things pounding at the dam, I'm fine. But the year I have had has been like a monsoon, and the waters behind my dam are dangerously high!

Recently after MONTHS of extending grace, covering a sin over with love, and forgiving a grievous hurt done to me, a raindrop of accusation came my way and I WENT OFF! The floodgates were opened and the bile and anger the dam had been holding back SPEWED from me and all over the person who had hurt me. See I know THAT was not the godly way to handle those feelings, so what is? We are only human! When someone hurts us, even if we put on love and forgive them, there will be pain.... There must be a godly way to open up the floodgates and release some of that buildup... but how?

So I've reasked my questions:

How do we stay truthful about what we are feeling while being Christlike at the same time? Especially how do we do that when what's been done to us and our feelings about it are ANYTHING but Christlike.

AND

What do we do when we have a backup of un-Christlike feelings in our heart which is a result of filtering them out of our words and actions? How do we release those in a godly way?

If you have any more insights or ideas... PLEASE give them to me because I am still a bit befuddled.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth....

I have been struggling to reconcile two Biblical mandates in my heart lately. Writing always seems to help me get my thoughts together so here goes:

"Thou shalt not bear false witness..." Exodus 20:16

Honesty.... It is a good idea to be honest, because God commands us to be. It is also a good idea, because it is difficult for people to trust us if we are not honest. So we all agree.... It is GOOD to be honest.

I've never really had a problem with honesty. As long as I can remember I have been a TERRIBLE liar. My mom loves to tell the story of how when I was about fourteen or so she picked me up from a party. I got in the backseat and started WIGGING out. I told her I had done something really bad. She was freaking out! "Is she pregnant? Does she smoke pot? Did she knock over a liquor store?" These thoughts were racing through her brain. Nopes! I was at a party where there was drinking and smoking, and I had a beer and a few puffs on a cigarette. I freaked out and fessed up the second I saw my momma. She was SO relieved because it was just one beer and a few puffs of a cigarette! So as you see lying has never really been a problem for this girl. I couldn't lie well to save my life.

But the Bible also commands us:

"...instead speaking the truth in love," Ephesians 4:15

God wants us to put on love above all things... to be kind and gentle, and I am VERY good at filtering my comments through the love of Christ. Therefore I EXCEL at the "in love" portion of this command, but sometimes at the expense of the "speaking the truth" part.

See sometimes the truth is ugly and nasty and not kind or gentle. Sometimes the truth of how we feel or how we see something is COMPLETELY changed when covered over with love. Sometimes the things I feel in my heart pass through the filter of Christ's love and upon exiting look NOTHING as they looked upon entering the filter. I used to always see this as good, assuming it showed that I had self-control in this area and was able to deny my sinful urges. But lately I'm not so sure.

Being so good at employing a filter has made it VERY difficult for me to not only say what I am really feeling, but even sometimes to even KNOW what I'm really feeling. Recently John challenged me with this thought, "Are you being honest when you have such an EXTREME filter in place?" I don't know.

Also I have recently realized that when I feel an icky feeling and process it through the filter of Christ's love, the icky part goes somewhere too. It's like the filter of Christ's love has this refuse container.... Have you ever used a juicer? You know you put a piece a fruit in and fresh juice comes spurting out? Well, opposite the side that's squirting out fresh juice is a side that is shooting out the skin and flesh and seeds and all the part of the fruit that is NOT juice. It is the refuse container. This past year I have had so many things pass through my filter of Christ's love that it is almost broken because the refuse container is OVERFLOWING!

So that's my dilemma and actually writing through it really hasn't gotten me towards any clarification. Speaking the truth in love.... obviously both the truth and the love parts are important or God wouldn't have commanded it this way.

***But how do we know how much truth and how much love is right in the equation?

***AND by adding a little love to dilute the truth have we made it less true???

***FINALLY, what do I do with this overflowing refuse container? how do I empty it out?

I don't know, and I would LOVE it if you would all comment and give me your thoughts on this. Let the teacher become the student... or the blogger become the reader, because I need INPUT this time for I haven't worked through it on my own!