The fog....

What is up with this DENSE fog??? Last night was AWANA, and as the time to leave approached, the kids and I looked out the window with apprehension. We could hardly see the house across the street! Jeremiah (he's my weather-phobe) kept saying, "I don't think we should go to AWANA. I don't think we should go to AWANA." But I told him we'd be fine. We'd just leave a little early and drive carefully.

We departed fifteen minutes early and made it down the drive before the uneasiness started setting in. Wow! Out here it looks even worse, I thought. I looked both ways and really couldn't even tell if there were any cars coming down my street. However, since there are RARELY if ever any cars coming down my street, in faith, I pulled out onto Nevada Heights Road. I traveled slowly towards Madison. I could barely see 25 feet in front of me. Again pausing before turning onto the road, I shot up a little prayer that there were no cars I couldn't see racing down Madison Road, and I made the left turn. The war in my mind was deafening, What in the world are you doing risking your babies' lives and limbs??? Don't be a baby! It's not that bad! Back and forth the war continued until I reached 33. About 50 yards before 33, I started becoming pretty certain that I would indeed turn around and head home. I could not imagine pulling out onto this road where people would be traveling in excess of 55 mph when I couldn't see more than MAYBE 50 feet on either side. I turned around. I admit it. I am a wuss. But don't judge me until you are transporting four of the most precious things in your life through fog as thick as pea soup!

This morning as I looked back out on the lingering fog, I still couldn't see any of the houses across the street. I knew they were there, but I couldn't see even one of them. I felt isolated and alone, like I might be the only house in this subdivision. I didn't doubt the presence of the other houses. I didn't wonder if in the night somehow they had moved. They were there. They were just covered in a thick blanket of fog. Yet still I felt alone. It got me thinking.

There are a lot of times when I can't see God. There are times when the fog of trials is so think around me that I can't see Him. I know He is there, but I can't see Him at all. I feel isolated and alone, like I might be alone in this fight. I don't doubt His presence. I don't wonder if He has left me. I know He is there. He's just covered in a thick blanket of trials. Yet still I feel all alone.

Here's the lesson for this day: our feelings, our senses, they don't always tell us the truth. I often feel worthless and like a failure. I often feel like I am all alone. I often feel like there is no hope. But all of these things are lies! I am so valuable that God sent His only Son to die for my sins [For God so loved the world (Jami Lynn Kastner) that He gave His one and only Son... John 3:16a], and in His eyes I am never a failure for the blood of Jesus covers over all my shortcomings [....the blood of Jesus, His son, purifies us from all sin... I John 1:7b]. I am never alone! NEVER! Even if my husband and children, my friends and family were all to leave me, still I would not be alone. [Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.... Psalm 23:4a] There is ALWAYS hope [On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us... 2 Corinthians 1:10].

So today remember that your feelings are not necessarily the truth. There are times to "trust your gut" but NEVER when your gut goes against God's Word. When your feelings do not line up with the Word of God, then tell your feelings to take a hike!

Lucy! You got some essplainin' to do!

As I sit here at my desk, scraped knee throbbing and twisted ankle aching, I am pondering the realization I came to last night: I often feel like my life is an episode of I Love Lucy. Now I don't have too many recollections of specific episodes of I Love Lucy. In fact, the only one I can pull up right now had Lucy & Ethel working in a candy factory, and in order to keep up with the conveyor line they were stuffing candies into their mouths. That's all I've got. However, I do remember the entire gist of the show was Lucy (and typically Ethel) getting into trouble and just having CHAOS ensue all around her. Here's the episode of I Love Jami that played out yesterday.

To set the scene, I have had a DIFFICULT week and a half or so, which started with a ton of emotional "re-healing," on the heels of which came my baby girl developing pneumonia, all throughout this time my work has been stressing me out to the point I fear I will stroke out, and then throw in a dash of normal Kastner Kraziness: a diorama had to be made for AWANA, Hannah's Cubbies' vest has been missing for two weeks, the wash machine has been broken for three weeks, we had to scrape together the money to get current on the van payment this week OR ELSE, and on top of all that, I decided to start working out to get back into shape. I haven't been drinking NEARLY enough coffee to compensate for these occurrences, but the exercise endorphins have been helping.

Soooooooooooooooooo.... I spent the day yesterday working. I sent out eight reports!!! (that's VERY good.... trust me.... typical would be 2 or 3) I also ROCKED our homeschooling world with my new rule: NO TV or Xbox until EVERY bit of school is done! The only TV break they took (in order to give me time to wrap up a little more work) was to watch a documentary on Australia I found on Netflix. By 1 p.m. we were done with school and by 4 p.m., I had gotten in nearly six hours of work! I was CRUISING!

I was bound and determined to workout even though tonight was AWANA and that was going to put some boundaries on my time frame. So at 4:30 I took off down the cul-de-sac on the cardio portion of my workout. As I traveled down the street, I saw there was a house for sale. Out of curiosity, I picked up a flyer and then to be funny, I started texting the details to my sister. I said, "Wanna move? 222K.... 3 BR... 3 bath... 1.25 acres..." POW! The pain hit me like a freight truck, from out of nowhere! Texting while walking is apparently just as dangerous as texting while driving for someone like Lucy (I mean Jami). I had veered too far to the left and stepped off the pavement onto the rocky shoulder, rolling my ankle and CRASHING to the ground forcefully. My ankle was twisted, my knee scraped, and my hands were burning (I had my gloves off so I could text better). I got up quickly and started hobbling towards home. It must have been the exercise endorphins or something, but it wasn't feeling too bad so I finished my first lap and started my second. They started wearing off in the second lap though, and I had to hobble back up my driveway.... AHHHHHHHHHHHH! to the house and RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) my ankle.

After 15 minutes of RICE, I had to get up and get to work on dinner. I went to the kitchen sink to wash my hands and flipped the faucet to on. sputter, sputter, SPUT! No water came out. I don't know why (call it mother's intuition) but the FIRST thing that flew through my mind was (HANNAH!!!!!!) Somehow in my spirit, I just knew this was her work. I checked under the kitchen sink to see if the tube to the faucet was crimped. Nope! Then I went to the mudroom to check if a breaker was tripped. Nope! I traveled to all the other faucets on the first floor to see if any of them had water. Nope! Finally, destination downstairs I checked the basement bathroom faucet. Nope! Just too investigate ALL options (even though I still suspected Hannah) I checked the well/septic tank meter thingy...green light is good. Nope! I called John and went to accuse the boys of messing with something outside. Nope! They hadn't done ANYTHING (well that remains to be seen, but they weren't the water culprits. They were just playing in the quickly disappearing snow).

John said he would finish up one thing at work and head home early. I left a message for the landlord and then got an idea. If this was a problem with the well, then the other two homes that share our well should be having water troubles too. So I hobbled up the hill to the first house, trying to baby my ankle but not having much luck as the bending of my knee brought misery too. No one was home. I continued on to the second house starting to huff and puff from the exertion of climbing this hilly terrain with an injury on each leg. They had water. So it wasn't the well.

All the way back to my house the thought, "Hannah did something. Hannah did something." kept echoing in my brain. I decided to take one more look. I went into the furnace room (which just so happened to have a burnt out light and I therefore could not see anything) and was drawn (in the dark) to this orange lever. Somehow I just felt like this might be the problem. However, keep in mind, I am NO plumber. I actually had no idea if this lever controlled gas, water, or even sewage. But something inside me said, "Turn it!" As I gently turned it, I heard something liquid starting to rush through the pipe. I quickly turned it back to the starting place. I sent Noah upstairs with instructions to try the kitchen faucet and then turned the lever again. Voila! We had water! The water main shut off is in the hallway outside my office (the furnace room). It is LITERALLY at Hannah's elbow level (about two feet off the ground). I am POSITIVE that while standing outside my office in the "Knock and wait for Momma to finish her work call" posture, she just got bored and decided to play with that lever. AHHHHHHHHH! Crisis number 2 solved.

Racing upstairs barking orders to don AWANA clothes and jackets, find AWANA books, and GET IN THE CAR, I also placed calls to John and the landlord informing them the problem had been solved. As I was heading for the door to get in the minivan, Noah came rushing in, "We forgot to put the seats back in the van!" The boys had cleaned the van on Monday, and now we were down the entire back row of seats because they forgot to put them back! With no time to wrestle that stupid seat (which is ANYTHING but easy to remove and reinstall) I instructed Noah to just ride in the front seat with the seat slightly reclined (Something I RARELY do.... I promise! Do NOT turn me in to the seat belt police!) We headed off for AWANA and that was when the realization hit me, "My life is like an episode of I Love Lucy!" However, my conveyor belt wasn't finished moving quickly yet.... There was still time in this episode for a cherry on top of the sundae.

I dropped the kids at AWANA (somehow in the chaos Hannah had left her book at home so now she was minus her missing vest AND minus her book). I hobbled back to the car and returned home to see how John was doing installing my new under-the-sink water filtration system which had arrived just today. Here it is.... here's the cherry: The system we received was damaged. It couldn't be installed. We'd have to go through a return/exchange process and wait for a new one to arrive. I collapsed into my chair... throbbing knee, aching ankle, tightening back and shoulder (when you're old falling has widespread effects which aren't always initially noticed) SCREAMING and sighed. "Well, tomorrow's a brand new day," I thought.

I woke up this morning itching to get this I Love Lucy blog live. I had NO idea what lesson I was going to spin this into. I just knew that I had suffered through that sitcom-like evening, and I was going to get some mileage out of it! About halfway through typing this, Noah (the first one awake today) came downstairs. Last night, he went to sleep watching Facing the Giants, and now he had something written down his arm (from shoulder to wrist). He proudly displayed his homemade tattoo and told me it was his new motto. "Never give up. Never back down. Never lose faith." That was my lesson! It's the lesson you are all supposed to learn from "watching" this episode of I Love Jami. NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH.

That's what I'm gonna do.

NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH.

In the world not of it........

To wear words on one’s butt or not, that is the question that plagues me today. Really it is a much broader issue that is on my heart: where do we draw the line TODAY between acceptable and not acceptable for a Christian. The questions that sprout from this are infinitesimal including much more than wearing words across the rear end. For our family right now they include things like: should one be allowed to choose soccer practice over AWANA and should a boy be allowed to get his ears pierced. Your family may be dealing with different questions:

Should my child get a Facebook account?
What’s the right age for a child to get a cell phone? Wear makeup? Go on a date?
Can my child be emo and be a Christian?

They all boil down to this same thing: how much of the world should we be letting into our lives, into our children’s lives. I think that children/youth of this generation have it harder than any generation prior to them. Never before have there been SO many doorways of temptation which lead to sin available. Sexting, internet predators, pop-up porn ads, pharming, huffing, sex parties THESE are the things today’s children and youth are being bombarded with every single day. Back in the day, all I had to "say no" to was drinking, pot and sex. That was about it! Today the things kids have to say no to are so much harder.

Which leads me back to words on one's butt.... seriously what's the harm of a playful slogan or two across your rear end... "princess" or "sweetheart" that's tame enough right? Or what about showing support of your team with a well placed "Sabers!" or "2010"... But just because what's written there isn't sleazy doesn't make the words on the butt issue any less controversial. My husband has VOWED that Hannah will NOT wear any writing across her rump. He says that will just encourage boys to look at her butt and call attention to it. I'm not sure what I think or what we'll end up doing with that issue. In parenting John and I are called OVER and OVER again to deliberate the question, "Is THIS issue worth fighting with our child over?" So I don't know where we'll be when she's 13 or 15 or 17, but this I do know: The Bible is silent on this issue. It does not say, "Thou shalt not display slogans across thy derriere." Therefore, we are left to mull through the muddy waters of modesty by ourselves. I guess the only answer is that John & JamiKastner have to determine for OUR family what is right. No one else can make that choice for us. We are the parents given the responsibility for raising Hannah Elyzabeth Kastner. We are the ones who will be held accountable for how she is parented. Therefore, we have to make the decision of whether her rear-end will be allowed to become a billboard or not. I truly don't know what we'll decide. But I do know that what "other kids are doing" will not affect my decision, and it shouldn't affect yours either.

Wouldn't it be great if we all did this? If we stopped worrying about whether someone else listens to secular music or sports a tattoo or has a glass of wine with dinner? Last week in church our pastor said something I underlined, circled AND highlighted in my program, "That's between you and Jesus!" I agree with him wholeheartedly. I believe you need to get with your God and determine if that is the language He wants coming out of your mouth or if that is the establishment He wants you visiting. The rest of us need to get our noses out of your business and let you and God get down to the brass tacks of the matter.

When we hear an F-bomb fly out of someone's mouth, why is it that we assume the person who dropped it must not be a Christian or if they are a Christian they haven't learned to "tame their tongue." How would we feel if we learned that person who just let that cuss word fly had just received word their child has leukemia or had just found out their mother was killed in a tragic accident or had just gotten confirmation that their spouse was cheating on them. I'm not advocating being a potty mouth here, and I actually do think it is possible to remain Christlike even under the WORST of stress. But (and that's a BIG HUGE BUT there) I am advocating less turning up of noses and more trying to understand. I am telling you that even VERY godly people when pushed to the very edge of what they can tolerate may reveal an imperfection or two.

I love the saying, "Hate the sin. Love the sinner." I don't have to agree with your language to love you. I don't have to listen to the same kinda music as you do to love you. And I can love you (and your daughter) whether you wear words on your butt or not. Good luck everyone! Helping these babies navigate their way through the evil of this present world is a difficult job! I'm praying for all of you as you hash out the nitty gritty of these issues. God go with you!

Blog silence....

WOW! Last week hit me in the face like a ton of BRICKS! Sorry if you missed my ramblings here online, but I had a CRAZY week with NO time for blogging. Quickly, lessons I learned:

1. Snow makes EVERYONE crazy! It makes drivers crazy. It makes Mommas crazy. It makes EVERYONE lose their minds. Note to all: snow is just rain but a little colder!

2. Cassie Jastrow is ALREADY an amazing hair stylist. No joke! The girl's only been in stylist school (or whatever they call it these days) for about 5 months and she is AWESOME! Must be a natural, because she did a GREAT job! (Shameless plug for Cassie: You TOO can get your hair cut by her all day on Monday's at the Aveda Institute downtown.... just $15!)

3. A family of 7 makes A LOT of laundry in just 4 days of a broken wash machine. Especially when day 1 of said broken wash machine started with the Momma behind on laundry. AYE CARUMBA!

4. 40-year olds should NOT attempt to sleep on couches... or on floors for that matter.

5. A certain blog writer maybe should have listened more carefully to Momma made crazy by snow in order to avoid being snowed in down in Franklin and having to endure #4.

6. Things always seem to work their way out. No matter how crazy and undecipherable they seem... they always seem to just work their way through.... Very seldom ending in complete and utter destruction. (This thought should be recalled next time I am up to my eyeballs in elephant dung.)

7. Traveling up my driveway should NEVER... repeat NEVER be attempted when said driveway is snow covered.

8. Country peops are not THAT friendly. Sure they'll wave as they pass by but will any of them stop to help a woman struggling with and bloodying herself on a stalled snow blower.... not really.

9. I should NEVER, EVER again treat McDonald's in a disdainful manner. Not even counting the fact that a good portion of our livelihood comes from this establishment..... the number of times that place has been a godsend bringing peace to my insanely loud minivan... bestowing comfort to my weary ears.... and even bailing me out when I'm trapped at the bottom of my driveway, can't get into the house to feed the kids, and have to leave for AWANA in 20 minutes.... NEVER again shall I speak an ill word of ANY McDonald's ANYWHERE!

10. 15 homeschoolers hopped up on TONS of sugar make A LOT of noise.

11. 9 hours sleep after nearly 2 weeks of complete and total sleep deprivation can make a person feel BRAND NEW!

12. Old people can drive you a little crazy. No matter how much you love them, they can seriously push you to the edge sometimes.

13. Quite often all your hard work will not result in glory for you, but will yield great rewards for the next person in line. Think of this at two times: 1. when you're the person slaving away and seeing no real results.... take hope because someone, somewhere, sometime WILL reap the benefits of your hard work. 2. When you have great success, do NOT forget to look back and give some thanks to those who came before you and laid the seed that you are harvesting now.

14. EVERYONE needs a day of rest. Especially four exhausted little children who are now congested and sore throated from being dragged all-around the State of Wisconsin (from Green Bay to Franklin) this week and only spent 2 days in the past 7 in their own house..... and especially their exhausted parents who did all the dragging and put up with 4 crabby little urchins.

15. Some wounds run so deep that they take a VERY long time to heal. Be patient with yourself. Keep moving forward. Healing will come and a stopwatch should not be put on it.

So PHEW! A new week has begun, and I for one am GLAD! Although I see there is more snow in the forecast this week.... AYE CARUMBA!

Pastor Aaron for President????

Wowzer! Aaron Cole you KNOCKED my socks off yesterday! I seriously do not think I have heard Pastor Aaron preach ONE sermon that has not socked me right in the gut. But yesterday was REALLY good. I loved it! It challenged me. It affirmed me. It was AMAZING!

His new series is Prisoner's Blog. It is a series on Colossians. Before I get into the spiritual ramifications of this sermon, let me just address the aesthetics. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the current"ness" of Lifechurch. They continually use media, lighting, and atmosphere to create a contemporary environment that just SPEAKS to me! I love the creativity of this series title. I love the use of audio visual presentations to introduce it. But strip that all away... were it just Aaron Cole standing in his grubbies in the middle of an empty warehouse with wooden crates for seats, yesterday's sermon STILL would have rocked my world!

Lord Jesus Christ - I always find it funny that I have been a Christian since I was 10 years old and have been ACTIVELY pursuing a relationship with God at least all of my adult life, and yet STILL portions of scripture or Biblical concepts can rock my world like I've never heard them. It happened last week when I was working on AWANA lessons with the kids. We read the story of the rich man and Lazarus in Luke 16:19-31, and I thought, "I SERIOUSLY do not EVER remember hearing this story!" I mean I have read through the entire Bible cover-to-cover at least once and the New Testament SEVERAL times and this story JUMPED at me like I had never heard it before. When Pastor Aaron explained the significance of the usage of the name Lord Jesus Christ all together, it did the same thing. He said that when Paul used all three terms together it wasn't random. It wasn't just what he felt like calling Jesus at that moment. When Paul refers to Jesus as the "Lord Jesus Christ," he is doing so deliberately to call attention to Jesus being Lord (the only way), Jesus (humanity), and Christ (divinity). Wow! Paul was preaching a sermon in just three little words! Amazing!

Power in the name of Jesus - There is POWER in His name. I learned that VERY intimately this summer. I battled some pretty tough attacks from Satan, and the ONLY way I got any victory was through over and over and over again calling the name of Jesus. His name is the only one that saves. His name is the only one that defeats Satan. His name is the ONLY one. When we pray "in Jesus' name," we are praying something powerful. When we use the name of Jesus in ANY way, there is POWER!

LOVE will change the world - LOVE! Not judgment. LOVE! Not lectures. LOVE! Not picketing. This part of the sermon really, really, really ministered to me. I loved how Pastor Aaron went on about how loving someone is NOT condoning their actions. There is NO WAY we are EVER going to shame someone into the kingdom. Oh and one more thing... the Bible doesn't say God is shame... it says God is LOVE.

That's between you and the Lord - It's our job as Christians to lead people to the Lord. It is the Holy Spirit's job to bring conviction about sin in their lives. I guess I just don't get why so often we (Christians) think it is our job to tell other people how they should live their lives. I wrote it down and underlined it twice when Pastor Aaron said, "That's between you and the Lord." We have two things to worry about: 1. spreading the gospel and 2. getting the plank out of our eye. We don't have to worry about the speck in someone else's eye.

Again I've yet to find a sermon Pastor Aaron has preached that wasn't earth shattering for me. I cry almost EVERY time I hear him preach. I would be hard pressed to order his sermons from best to least best because they are all SO good, but this one is at the top of the list right now simply because it is freshest in my mind. And maybe Pastor Aaron for President is taking it a little far, but I will tell you this... That man was PREACHING yesterday!

Thankful Blog Part 3 - My Children

All I ever wanted to be was a Momma and a Wife. I went to college, had a career, but all along I was really hoping someone would marry me and make me a Momma. I laughed with WILD abandon at the movie 27 Dresses. While I didn't have quite 27 to my credit, I did have one summer where I was a bridesmaid in 3 weddings. WOWZER! It did for sure seem I would be "always a bridesmaid and never a bride." Then with lightening speed I met this man who fit my one and only, sole qualification: he loved Jesus. We married within 10 months and just 17 months after we married.... VOILA! I became a momma. It has been the most amazing, wonderful, excruciating, incredible experience I have EVER undertaken. It is everything I hoped of and everything I never realized it would be.

The one overarching thing I am most thankful for with regards to my children is how deeply, genuinely, and completely they love Jesus. It is amazing to me. Nine times out of ten, these children are the FIRST to say, "We should pray about that." They LOVE to go to Sunday school and AWANA. They just love Jesus. Jeremiah recently had this conversation with me,

"Mom I love you so much."
"I love you too baby."
"I love Jesus a lot too."
"I know you do baby."
"Is it okay if I love Jesus more than I love you."
"Absolutely Jeremiah. You should NEVER love anyone more than you love Jesus."
"Okay. Good."

Then from that point on he would frequently tell me and his siblings, "I love mom but I love Jesus more. You have to love Jesus more." Precious.

My time is quickly slipping away as we have to pack up our baked goodies and travel the hour into town for the Road Rally and Grand Feast, but I want to quickly mention a few more things for which I am thankful with regards to these children:

Noah James... my firstborn - I am grateful that this boy is so fiercely protective of his brothers, his baby sister, his momma, and actually any child or baby he meets. Our friends Brad & Amanda have a new baby and the few times she has been at our house, Noah follows her around making sure she doesn't get near the stairs, fall off a chair, or get into a toy which is not safe for her. This boy he is such a protector at heart. I am grateful for how completely he "gets" the things of God and desires to take in more and more knowledge about Him. I am grateful to this child for turning me into a mom.

Jeremiah David.... my sensitive one - This child sense when I am sad. He runs to comfort me if I cry. This summer was a tough one for this family and every time I dissolved into tears, I could count on his arms being quickly wrapped around my neck and his asking, "Mom can I pray for you?" That's the second thing: this child LOVES to pray for people. Everything that concerns him... every hurt he sees.... every need that occurs.... he takes to his God in prayer. I am thankful for how responsible and orderly Jeremiah is. If you ask Jeremiah to do something, if you give him a set of instructions to follow, you can count on the fact that every single i will be dotted and every single t will be crossed. I love that this boy has such a soft and moldable heart. If he is caught in a sin, he is QUICK to confess and make reparations. I am grateful to this child for making my job as a mom a little easier.

Elijah Daniel.... my oopsie baby - I always tell Elijah he is the best surprise God ever gave me. I joke that a child who was conceived in spite of TWO forms of birth control was destine to be resourceful, scrappy, determined. This boy is all of those things and some. My best parenting stories all stem from him: broken toilets - him, butter spread in the windowsill - him, poop in the stuffed Elmo's mouth - him... Elijah has given me most of my gray hair, but every time he ends up in one of his escapades I think of what my wise Momma always tells me, "You are not raising successful children. You are raising successful adults." And that resourcefulness will do him VERY well as an adult. I am thankful for this child's brain. I can frequently "see" it working behind those gorgeous eyes fringed in ridiculously long eyelashes. I am thankful for how energetically he attacks EVERYTHING in life. I am even grateful for how he knows EVERYTHING. I am grateful to this child for keeping me on my toes.

Hannah Elyzabeth... my little princess - I am thankful that God gave me a pretty little dollop of frosting on top of this amazing cake of children I have. She is EVERYTHING I hoped a girl would be: tender and tough, frilly and fierce.... part princess, part linebacker. I am thankful that God gave her imperfect eyes for it keeps her real. I am thankful that she is a little bit of each of her brothers: protective like Noah, sensitive like Jeremiah, impish like Elijah.... and yet COMPLETELY her own.... I have never seen a 3 year old who can command such attention from 3 older boys.... that little girl is like Hitler! She controls her brothers better than I do. Oh and I saved the best for last: If you ask Hannah what she wants to be when she grows up.... she says, "A cheerleader!" Perfection! I am grateful to this little girl for being my best buddy forever (pinky swear).

I can't end a blog about my children without a quick shout out to my step-babies. You know regretfully I don't know them as well as I wish I did. The past corrupted the present making the future very difficult to navigate. I, ever the optimist, am prayerful that God will continue doing His redeeming, healing work in their relationships with their daddy and the rest of us, and I am very grateful for the chance to be a part (no matter how small or big) of their lives.

Alex Joseph - I am grateful that he is a strong, brave, responsible man. I am grateful to him for sacrificing being with his beloved bride and his beautiful new children to travel across the ocean and fight to protect our freedoms.

Amanda Gene - I am grateful for Amanda's loving, giving, sacrificial heart. And this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the budding relationship I see growing between her and her daddy. God can do amazing things if you let Him and I am grateful that Amanda is letting him.

Amber Jade - I am grateful for this girl's spunk! This girl is scrappy and tough and (while this is slightly off topic) the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. My favorite story about Amber is one John LOVES to tell. She was young (idk maybe 3 or 4) and he took her to Chuck E. Cheese. Some kid tried to skip her on a ride and she hauled off and punched him in the face. Life will NOT take advantage of this girl and I am excited to see the woman she is going to become. I see her taking on life just like that kid at Chuck E. Cheese. It better not try to skip her or it will pay the price.

This Thanksgiving I am eternally grateful that God gave me what I wanted, sevenfold. I am the momma to 4 amazing children and the step-mother to 3 incredible adults. Thank you Jesus!

Updates

1. John's physical condition. Ugh! We just NEED this week to end. John didn't get much sleep again last night. Today he is sore and stiff. We are also both fighting some nausea thing.... not sure if it's a bug or something we ate or stress but it is no fun! We just need it to be the weekend BAD! Please pray for John's strength to make it through this day and for his morale as well. I can feel that the toll of being a strong person stuck in this weakened body is wearing on him. Please pray for a TON of SLEEP this weekend..... for rest and relaxation.... for healing from this nausea bug AND for healing of his neck and brain.... for lifted spirits and his patience with his infirm body...

2. Finances.... THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Encouragement poured in yesterday and IDEAS too! I am running hard after all the ideas suggested and am trying to believe as so many encouraged, "Our miracle is on it's way." However, my blanket of peace is thread bare in a few places... forgot about a bill that comes out automatic withdrawal... our poor little checking account.... It is like that little Engine that Could: "I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!" trying to chug up that mountain. I just keep telling myself: God did not carry us through months of this ordeal to drop us mere weeks from the finish line and let us crash and burn alone. But my eyes still get fogged up with the natural view of things. Please pray that John and I both will view this situation with supernatural vision. Pray that we will have God's eyes to see that this struggle in front of us is not the lion it looks like in the natural view but is really just a little kitty when you put on your supernatural goggles.

3. Elijah: I think I forgot to post this part with a detailed explanation. Elijah is having his tonsils and adenoids removed on 11/30. He has struggled with sleep apnea as long as I can remember. In fact, some nights the sounds of his breathing stopping and the gasps which follow when he starts breathing again are bad enough that I just can't sleep through it. Finally just a little over one and one-half years AFTER we first discussed it with our pediatrician, we took him to the ENT who said on a scale of 1 - 4 his tonsils are enlarged to a 3.5 and the x-ray indicates enlarged adenoids as well. The tonsils almost touch his uvula. Well..... the good news is: it is only a 30 min procedure, he should recover in 7 - 10 days, since he is homeschooled he won't even miss school for it, and since it is an outpatient procedure our insurance will cover it at 100%. Only bad news: have to let my baby go under anesthesia and watch him suffer through 7 to 10 days of healing. So surgery is scheduled for 11/30 at 7:30 a.m. Please pray!

Now that I am done being the neediest person alive and presenting my 1001 prayer requests, I feel today the need to end with a little counting of blessings. Counting my blessings ALWAYS makes me feel better!

My Blessings:
1. Jesus died to save me from my sins!
2. God is my BFF and is walking with me every step of the good days and the bad.
3. I have an AMAZING mom and dad and INCREDIBLE siblings.
4. God fulfilled my life-long dream of being a wife and a mom.
5. He fulfilled that dream by giving me the strongest man in the world as my husband.
6. He gave me my version of the PERFECT FAMILY... perfect! I gave birth to 3 rambunctious boys and 1 tom-boyish princess.... and I married into being step-mom to one VERY brave man who is currently fighting for our country, and two BEAUTIFUL, HYSTERICALLY funny, and never-endingly kind women (anyone for some pope cake?)
7. I have a flexible, work-at-home job which allows me to fulfill my dream of being home with and even homeschooling my children.
8. We have two reliable vehicles to get us around.
9. We are living in a HOUSE! A HOUSE! and we are on our way to fulfilling the dream of being HOMEOWNERS!
10. We have a VAST network of support from friends, church families, former students, former cheerleaders and former youth group kids.
11. While our collective health has needed some "tweaking" this fall, NONE of what we have had to deal with is terminal and while there are always risks nothing has been too life-threatening.
12. We found the most AMAZING new church up north here.... on THE FIRST TRY!!! That is unheard of! This place is PERFECT for us in EVERY single way! Last week, Jeremiah said, "Mom, let's NEVER leave LifeChurch. It is the PERFECT church."
13. My children LOVE Jesus. They love Him SO much. They see God everywhere they look. They love Him deeply. There are learning about Him and hiding His Word in their hearts. They love to pray and sing His praises and go to church and AWANA.
14. I got work today! All week has been slow, but TODAY I got some work!

Okay that's good enough. I have MANY more blessings but I just picked my own chin up off the ground with the typing of that list and I'm ready to get back to my busy day.

Hope I've inspired at least one of you to "count your blessings" too. God is good..... ALL the time! and DON'T YOU FORGET IT!

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

Please, please PRAY! John is having a ROUGH day today. Yesterday was a bit much for him. He did not get a nap, and he was up and out of bed the ENTIRE day. Today he is suffering from a bunch of pain and he is just very tired. But worse than all of the physical symptoms is the emotional toll. He is so DOWN from this setback. He was so encouraged by feeling stronger and by the encouraging news at the neurosurgeon. To feel this crummy the day after is almost more than his spirit can take. Please start praying for him right this minute. Pray that he is energized and that the pain ebbs. Pray that he is encouraged and renewed in his body, mind AND spirit.

One of the worst sources of pain right now is his incision. There is a spot on it that is really bothering him. Yesterday, the nurse said it is probably from his nerves trying to "reconnect" there and causing him pain. Also his neck muscles are very tight. We are using the pain meds (conservatively) and using heat therapy (LIBERALLY). Right now he is resting with Hannah. I am praying that during this nap, God restores him physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Tonight is AWANA and since he has been doing so well, we had planned to have a little date/discipleship/ALONE time while the kids were in there. But now I don't think he will be up to it. That is another blow for both of us. We so crave a little time together without the children. Oh well... maybe next week.

On a positive note: we finished paying all the screaming necessary October bills. We made it for this month and that was encouraging. Also our little trip into the city yesterday yielded us a TON of homegrown tomatoes, a HUGE bag of hand-me-downs (which included a BUNCH of sweatpants for the boys!!!!), and a promise to get the lawn mower fixed. God is so good to us! He is continually caring for our needs. Still we have to work so hard to rest quietly awaiting each day's provision. This is so challenging, but we know we don't walk through it alone. He (and all of you) are walking with us shoulder to shoulder.... carrying us when needed. Thank you for continuing to partner with us through this challenge.

Uncle...

I'm crying, "Uncle!" I have to! I can't take much more!!!!!

John: Well today was another bad day. He slept most of the day and hardly got out of bed. His headache is excruciating which is exhausting him. He did (from bed) work on some schoolwork with the children. However, he hasn't eaten much and I keep finding him moaning and holding his head. It seems I cannot state often enough: John is RARELY conscious these days. When he does have moments of lucidity, he typically spends them interacting with the children. The extent of my communication with him is usually, "What can I get for you honey?" or "When is the last time you gave me pain meds babe?" MANY keep commenting that he, "is not answering his phone...." or that he "is not returning my calls." rest assured you are in good company because he is not conversing on the phone AT ALL right now. He is hardly conversing with those he lives with. I beg of all of you, PLEASE understand that he is not in any condition to be returning phone calls in a timely manner.... not to ANYONE. I am trying my best to keep up with all communication for him, but as you will see in the portion of the update about me, I am ready to throw in the towel I am so overwhelmed right now.

Children: They are really not doing too terribly for those whose family has been through what ours is going through; however, the stress is starting to show in some areas. Some (who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty) are MUCH more whiny than typical, some are more aggressive than typical, some have actually reclaimed lost territory in the area of potty training regression (that has been a tiny little miracle), but ALL are desperately in need of some normalcy and to be able to be their old LOUD and ROWDY selves for a little while. In spite of the extreme circumstances around here, school has been going VERY well. Noah and Jeremiah have been making INCREDIBLE strides in penmanship and math! Elijah is proving himself to be a little math whiz tackling his new curriculum voraciously. Hannah is learning her alphabet VERY well and keeps begging to start on our phonics program. ALL are tearing up the AWANA books! Noah recited 7 sections at TNT last night!!! Hannah already earned a patch and last night she did her required section as well as 2 makeup sections. So educationally we are ON IT!

Jami: Oh pray for Jami! Pray HARD for Jami! I am really, really, really standing close to the ledge and am very tempted to JUMP! Today was a bad, bad day. In spite of the fact that I got 7 hours of sleep last night (for the first time in at least 3 weeks), I did NOT have a great day. In one 24-hour period I took on more work than I took on all of last week. That is GREAT!!! because work = $$$.... BUT difficult because John had a bad day and I was left to try to juggle a long day of work, school, and caring for him all by myself. The kids seemed to get rowdier and rowdier in direct correlation to the crescendo of my headache pain. It is now 5:06 p.m. (I was waiting for one more call for work that never came) and NOW I am finishing this blog while there is NO dinner ready and I have NO energy to make any. The upstairs is pretty much in order, but the downstairs.... well while I was working today the kids were trashing the downstairs. I need to get a few more night's sleep under my belt to get rid of this continual headache. I need to take a walk and get some exercise. I need to get my house cleaned and make a few more meals to freeze and finish the laundry and grade papers and plan tomorrow's lessons and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SEE why I wanna JUMP!

How you can help:
1. Please, please, please PRAY! Pray for John. Pray that his good days start coming in 2's and the bad days stop coming. Not only am I exhausted from holding down the fort all by my lonesome, but I miss my best friend! Pray for the children. Pray that they can just tone it down and lower the volume a bit longer so that John (and I) can make it through the headaches. Pray for me. Pray that I don't throw in the towel. That I somehow superhumanly find the strength to cook, clean, teach, work, and LOVE all while getting little to no sleep.

2. Please do the very best you can to get caught up on John's condition via one of the electronic modes we are using: Twitter, Facebook, Blogger. It is VERY time consuming to have to individually update multiple people everyday. I get multiple calls/e-mails/texts in a day asking me how John is doing. It is very hard to answer all of these in a timely manner. So please visit this site or stay in tune on Twitter or Facebook in order to relieve a little of my stress. That being said we do feel a bit lonely out here in the boonies, so PLEASE do not stop attempting to communicate with us, but understand that we are not going to be able to answer every phone call, text, e-mail. Pretty much this is a one-man show up here (ME) and I am about at the end of myself with things to do. So please keep the encouraging messages, e-mails, and texts coming. We need them badly! We need to know that people are out there thinking of us and praying for us, but please understand we (and by we I fully mean I.... for John is completely unable to assist me in responding to any one's queries) just don't have enough time in the day for personal replies to each inquiry.

3. If you have a second, please send John a quick get well wish. When he is conscious he typically asks me to check his facebook and e-mail for him. Then when we find nothing but SPAM he gets discouraged. So if you could please do me a quick favor. Stop for a second and send him an e-mail: jkastner3@gmail.com I would REALLY appreciate it.

Okay well I'm going upstairs now to find something I can quick throw together and call dinner. Then I think I will try to sneak into my closet, shut the door for COMPLETE darkness, and cry for a little while. Tears are soothing sometimes.

Peace out everyone!

Clean Hands/Pure Hearts

Give us clean hands
Give us pure hearts....

I COMPLETELY and TOTALLY forgot about AWANA yesterday. I mean I knew it was Wednesday. I knew AWANA was on Wednesdays. But we started school yesterday and I worked and I took care of John. My s-i-l had brought dinner for us so I warmed that and then set to work straightening the house and doing the dishes when my phone signaled a notification at 6:15 p.m. "AWANA - Faith Bible Alliance" it read. WHAT!?!?!?! That was in 15 minutes!!!

AHHHH! I started shouting out commands and racing around the house. No one was dressed. Elijah was SOUND asleep. I started throwing children into clothing and grabbing Bibles and AWANA uniforms. I quickly threw together a dinner plate for Elijah and dressed him in his sleep. I loaded everyone in the minivan and arrived at the church at 6:40 p.m.! I was pretty darn proud of myself. I was notified of AWANA at 6:15 p.m. and I gathered everyone and everything and got to the church (a 15 minute trip) in just 25 minutes TOTAL!

After depositing my precious cargo at the church and racing back home to make sure my patient was okay, I turned right back around to return to the church. This second trip was made at a much more leisurely pace, and as I drove I poured out my heart in worship to my King. I haven't had much time lately to even pee by myself much less to worship tearfully at the feet of my Savior. For about 2 1/2 months, I have been RACING around from task to task, shooting up quick prayers of desperation in between: packing and unpacking boxes, working way too many hours, shuttling my husband from appointment to appointment. Moments of quiet solitude, heart-rending worship, meaningful quiet time, these have all become a thing of the past for me.

So as I drove south on Hwy 67, I sang along to this song in complete isolation.... tears streaming down my face, heart ripping in two: give us clean hands.... give us pure hearts... let us not lift our souls to another... I've sung the words a thousand times. I know them deep in my bones, yet they hit me in a new way last night. I realized that I usually have clean hands. I'm not trying to be boastful, but I am someone who has been a Christian for well over 25 years now. I know the drill. I have the routine down. I typically do a fairly decent job of keeping my hands clean. I know how to keep my temper in check. I am fairly decent at holding my tongue and biting back inappropriate words or angry retorts. I can usually keep my hands pretty clean. However, a pure heart.... that is a TOTALLY different thing. I realized that while my hands typically stay pretty clean, my heart is ANYTHING but pure. When I am wronged, I am decent at giving a godly response, but inside I am seething with anger. When I am angry, I can usually hold back my vicious words, but in my head, I let them fly with wild abandon.

This summer the heat has been turned up SIGNIFICANTLY under Jami Lynn Kastner.... a move, overtime hours, finishing up homeschooling, the purchase of a lemon vehicle, bills unpaid, needs unfulfilled, sleep missed, friendships lost, trust betrayed... these are just a few of the things that had me at the breaking point by mid-August. Then just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, just when I thought I was at the end of myself toss in a brain surgery which would put my husband out of work without pay for a month or more.

Guess what happened??? That impure heart.... those icky thoughts I had been storing up in my brain.... when the heat was turned up, most of them came POURING out. I started cussing like a sailor. I have really never been a cusser before. Having been schooled in Christian Education (where cussing is punishable by suspension) for 12 years and then teaching in Christian Education (where I felt compelled to be CONSTANTLY on guard to be a good witness) for 6 years, I really never even thought cuss words very much, and I NEVER gave free reign to my tongue in that area. Yet this summer, as the pressure mounted, as the pain increased, as the tension rose, the impurity of my heart flowed freely out of my mouth. My anger consumed me. Depression enveloped me. Sin was the result of the ickiness I had been hiding behind my clean hands and inside my impure heart.

As I drove down the street last night it hit me hard: clean hands are NOWHERE NEAR good enough... that's only part of the equation. A PURE HEART! That is the second half. Having clean hands without a pure heart is like peanut butter without the jelly. It's like Hall without Oats. It is piety without purity.

As I cried out to God last night, I sang those words like NEVER before: give us clean hands.... GIVE US PURE HEARTS!!!! That's my prayer today... that my heart will be pure too. Whether I am skipping down a flower lined path of prosperity and beauty or clawing my way up a rocky ledge out of a deep and dark valley, I want my heart to be pure. I want to take this thing called Jami's Walk with God to a new level. A level where the outside calm and cleanliness is a good representation of what is going on in the inside. A place where I have clean hands AND a pure heart.

What a DAY!

Sorry for the blog silence today. (I hope everyone has been able to access my twitter account.) I can hardly find the words (yes ME... Jami... the wordiest, gabbiest person you've ever met can't find the words) to describe the depth of my exhaustion right now. It all started Monday.


We had a VERY productive day in which I accomplished nearly everything on my pre-hospital to-do list. We had a very nice little impromptu cookout with friends and were proceeding nicely towards the end of a practically perfect day before surgery. [SCREECHING halth sound here]


An angry voicemail message reignited the warring over John's desire to have NO ONE (but me and his daughters) at the hospital during his surgery. It is in fact his desire to see NO ONE until he is fully conscious and managing his pain well. This desire has resulted in several confrontations with well-meaning loved ones who all think there should be one exception to his wishes...them. Over and over again during the past few weeks, he and I have had to firmly restate what HIS desire is and explain to others that this is about HIS wishes and what will make HIM most comfortable so HE can heal quickly and completely. Each confrontation has been difficult; however, this one on the eve of his surgery may have been the worst. The stress immediately reignited the stuttering he had been struggling with and when he got off the phone he was tired and a bit defeated.


From there things began to snowball. I was fielding WAY too many texts & phone calls, mostly about the confrontation. The house was coming together nicely, but many things remained to be done, and I was running out of time quickly! I finished packing Hannah's bag and decided to cut bait on my OCD need to pack all the kids bags myself. I started barking out orders to the boys, "2 pairs of play shorts, 2 pairs of nice shorts, 2 pairs of sweats, 2 pairs of jeans!" (YES! I realize we should only be in the hospital for about 4 days BUT our house is far, far away. I wanted them to be prepared.) As the boys packed their things, I decided to get started on mine & John's bag. In the middle of this I realized I never took out the kids AWANA uniforms. Ran down to storage to find them but OF COURSE one found, one lost. AHHHHHH! Long story short, it was about 11:30 p.m. before we were finally in bed.


Awoke at 4 a.m. to find that John had not slept a wink ALL night. We made it out the door and halfway to Milwaukee before I realized we had left ALL the carefully prepared lunches in the fridge. GRRRRRRR! I was ticked at myself!


Everything happened in such a whirlwind... We got to the hospital, Jodi took thekids, and we checked in. Shane stopped up to pray with us. Amber arrived. The anethesiologist was delayed. They whisked him away to surgery too quickly. Soon Amber and I were out in the waiting room and time slowed to a snail's pace. About halfway through the surgery I started to get a good case of the worries. I quickly text my mom and sisters for some prayer support. Even though it seemed like forever, before we knew it we were talking to the doctor. All had gone just as planned. John made it through like a champ. So we were directed to the Neuro ICU waiting room to wait more. By about 11:30 we were finally able to see him again. He was in considerable pain and it took quite some time to get his pain manageable. However, by dinnertime he was resting comfortably and the girls left.


There was no sleeping for me last night.... those recliners are the complete antithesis of comfortable. I finally found a couch to zonk out on for about an hour when they took him for a CT scan this a.m. but I am T-I-R-E-D!


Today John's mom came to sit (okay stand) with him for a few hours and I raced over to my parents house for a shower and to squeeze my kiddos. When I got back, the therapy people were here and they were AMAZED by how much John was able to do. First they got him seated on the edge of the bed. Then they got him standing. He did a lap around the ENTIRE unit, and then they put him seated in the chair. He is sleeping there now.


I miss him a lot. I'm right here by him, but I can't communicate more than a few sentences before he drifts off to sleep again. I long to TALK with him. When they sat him up, I started to get teary and asked if I could hug him. I just needed to be in his arms. This blogging thing is great, and we have SUCH a VAST network of support. Yet (no offense) I just want to process all my feelings with him. I just want his opinions. I just want to share with him. Soon enough Jami... Soon enough.


A few seconds to send a quick shout out to the AMAZING nursing staff at St. Luke's Neuro ICU. They are GREAT! They are taking such amazing care of John and me. We are blessed and give them the highest recommendation...if you ever wanna have your skull cut open :)


Don't know if I have the energy for many lessons/applications today, but I'll try.

1. A worried mind is the devil's playground. Yesterday about halfway through John's surgery I started to have these weird (almost like flashbacks but not stuff I had really seen) images flashing into my head. I could see John facedown with the back of his head cut open and his brain exposed. I started to get anxious. That's when I text my mom and sisters. They started sending me scripture and before I knew it I had calmed to the point that I could pray again. There are several situations in my life right now where Satan has a toehold. He assaults me with images, intuition type feelings, fears. If I give playtime to these attacks from the enemy, he gets control, and he sends more graphic images, stronger intuitive feelings, greater fears. If I turn to scripture, he is slain, silenced, defeated.

2. Focus on intent instead of effect. Well-meaning people can do a lot of damage. It's true. They can. I think, therefore, the most godly response is to focus on the intent the person had instead of the effect they had. All of these wars we have had to fight to institute John's healthcare directives... people weren't INTENDING to cause stress and pain. Not only that, but I am SURE that the effects of my actions of trying to enforce John's wishes and trying to keep the right people updated in the right order are not perfect. I intend to do well by John first and everyone else next, but I am sure I am missing the mark. I sure hope others will take the time to focus on my intent and to cut me some slack. Therefore, I need to do the same for them.

3. Things could be SO much worse. There's a family here I keep seeing in the Neuro ICU. I don't know there story, but I can tell it is not good by their demeanor. As exhausted as I am, as much pain as John is in, as serious as this is, I can still praise God that we did not get an inoperable or terminal diagnosis.


Okay that's about all I have the strength for. I gotta try to get some rest quick. Keep following the tweets and keep the prayers coming!

completely exhausted

I purposely didn't capitalize anything in the title of this blog... too tired to hit my shift key unless it is rote and without conscious thought. I am so far beyond exhausted, I'm not sure I can even describe it to you. I cannot imagine how John feels!

We left our house at 10:30 a.m. and headed to Hartford for an appointment with John's primary care physician. I waited in the car with the kids while John went in to get the thumbs up for surgery. He was cleared! YIPEE! So then it was off to Milwaukee for an appointment with the neurosurgeon. We stopped in Menomonee Falls to hit the bank and get some lunch. It was a very nice quiet family time (not something we get a lot). I sat there thinking, "It's kinda sad that it takes a trauma to get my family to slow down and spend a little time together."

Dr. Ahuja's office was TRYING, TERRIBLE, and bordering on HORRENDOUS! Our appointment was at 2:30... we were early. The kids were squirrley. Hannah, Elijah, Jeremiah and I sat out in the hallway because the waiting room was so crowded there were no seats left for us. Finally we got in a room and waited at least another 30 - 45 minutes before seeing the doctor. John was "marked for surgery." As we walked out of the office, the nurse looked at John and said, "Your children are the most well-behaved children I have ever seen." I looked at her like she had just dropped off of Mars.... "These hooligans?" I thought.

On the way home, another trip to the bank this time with a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG wait. Then a stop at Target for toilet paper and a grueling drive home through rush hour. As I sit here at my puter typing, I literally feel like I am going to fall over. I DESPERATELY need to get some groceries in this house, but I am too tired to go out. We have cereal and milk, and two more meals of butter noodles is NOT going to kill anyone. I need to crash soon.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... we still don't have a surgery time. The nurse said the time will likely change 10x between now and Tuesday; therefore, they will just call us Monday to tell us.

A few more details:

1. If you are coming on Saturday to our chili/prayer/fire fest, please bring camp chairs. Also if you feel led, you can bring a dessert and/or some soda.

2. Hospital...we've been deluged with offers to be at the hospital with us during surgery. It is John's request that friends and family PLEASE refrain from coming to the hospital until he is feeling up to it. You can contact Jami via cell phone/text/e-mail/facebook if you want to come visit. I will let you know if he is up to visitors yet. I will also post to twitter and this blog when he is ready for visitors, but even still before you come please call/text/e-mail so we can try to limit the number of people there at one time.

3. If you'd like to send John an encouraging e-mail, his e-mail address is: jkastner3@gmail.com


How to pray:

1. John's dizziness has increased significantly. He is also very fatigued and weak. He has developed a stutter/stammer which is a bit concerning to the doctor. He can't explain that as a sign of Chiari Malformation. I'm not a doctor, but in my humble opinion, this is probably just because he is SOOOOOOOOOOO exhausted today due to such a long day. All of this is very frustrating to him and results in one or two temper tantrums a day (FINE! an hour!)

2. Jami: I am exhausted. Haven't been sleeping well. Trying to smush in a TON of work (I'm the only breadwinner right now) and all of the scheduling of John's doctor appointments and child care, also having to mediate in SEVERAL wars over all of this brain surgery nonsense. I am wiped and really, really, really need to sleep tonight.

3. Kids: will be shuffled around from relative to relative next week (with one dear friend thrown in for good measure).... Wednesday is their first day of AWANA... I'm thinking I will make the trek all the way back up north because I don't want them to miss this.... Please pray for as much normalcy as possible for them next week.

4. Continued provision for us financially and practically.... bills, meals, laundry, etc.... I am too tired to wiggle much less think about some of these things.


In closing, you know whenever I have prayed for people in these types of situations before, they would say, "Your prayers are such a blessing." "You will never know how much the prayer support means to us." "It makes all the difference to know so many are praying for us." I would always think.... "Whatever! It's the least I can do! Spending a little time in prayer for you who are suffering so greatly." Finally, I "get it." People all over the country are praying for us. Strangers we just met. Entire churches of our friends. And words cannot express how much that means to us. To know that all over the country (possibly even the world) our names are being lifted up by so many is humbling and encouraging. Please continue to pray....

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
I Corinthians 12:8 & 9

Thank you Jesus for that truck!

“Father God, please provide a second form of transportation for this family.” I have been praying these words faithfully for the past five months. Over the past year, God had taken us from a two-car family with two car payments to a one-car family with one car payment. We believed strongly that this was the responsible thing to do and was one way that God was going to rescue us from our financial troubles. Initially, it was not so bad. It was winter. We homeschool. I work at home. Besides groceries and errands, we only have to leave the house for church and AWANA. Social events were difficult, but we were managing. The worst part was trying to squish all of my grocery shopping and errands into Thursday night, Saturday afternoon, and Sunday afternoon, the only times John was off.

Then spring came, soccer started, and things started heating up. The kids and I walked 1.5 miles one way to soccer practice, sometimes twice a week. We tried to arrange rides sometimes, and my family helped as much as they could. However, with four children you don’t fit in anything but a mini-van or Suburban. It was difficult, and even though I have law-enforcement officials reading this blog (close your eyes Aimee), I will admit that a few times I squished all four of them in the back of a sedan (two in one seatbelt). Only for very important things like we were freezing and needed to get home from soccer or when we went to see Danny Gokey. (Hush! That was VERY important!) The stress had really started building this week as my work schedule has been getting busy again too. I prayed at least once this week, "God something has GOT to give. I cannot do this anymore."

After five months of praying the same thing every day and not really having any idea how God would answer that prayer, I am typing this with tears in my eyes because I get to tell all of you: we have a second vehicle! We have been scouring Criagslist for junker trucks, old vans, even a few hatchbacks. We set the bar VERY low, maximum price $1000 and eventually upped it a little to $1500. We e-mailed and called on hundreds of vehicles. We looked at two last night and came home with the second. It is a 1994 Dodge with high mileage. It is a beast of a truck - big bed, huge engine. The exterior is rough, and there are a couple of things wrong with it, but we are thrilled!

This morning when I looked out the front window and saw it parked in front of our house I wanted to cry. As I walked this morning and prayed, I kept wanting to jump up and down and scream when I said, “Thank you Jesus for that truck!” And as I prayed, I couldn’t stop coming back to it, “Jesus please heal Hannah’s little eyes. Let the patching work and strengthen her eye. Help her to keep that patch on. Oh and THANK YOU FOR THAT TRUCK!” It kept creeping back into my prayers.

Before we went looking at the trucks last night, when we got to the first truck, when we got to the second truck, and before we made the decision to take it, we prayed. We prayed. We prayed. We prayed. On the way home, when we got home, as we cleaned out BOTH of our vehicles, and before we went to bed, we praised God and thanked Him. When I woke up this morning, as I walked and as I prayed, I kept thanking God. But all of a sudden as I traveled east down Drexel Avenue, it hit me. It hit me hard and stark. God answered my prayer! I am not sure exactly how to explain it, but I prayed for this through every step of the decision making process, and I thanked God for it when it came to fruition. But I had kinda forgotten that this had been on my prayer list for a LONG time and God answered it. All of a sudden, I had one of those moments where the Bible became so real to me:

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.
Matthew 21:22
You do not have, because you do not ask God.
James 4:2b
And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious
riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Sometimes we fly through life so quickly. We never take the time to stop and look around us and realize all the things that God has given us, all the prayers He has answered. I want to encourage you to stop today and look around. I know you may have hard things you are going through, but I also know that there are very likely things that He has given you that you can be thankful for. Yes the Kastners have struggled for a long time with financial troubles that are deep and dark. But we have a happy marriage. We have healthy children. We have family who loves and supports us. We have a church family we belong to. We have TWO VEHICLES! Most importantly, we have our Jesus! He walks with us through the hard and the good. He guides us, He protects us, He loves us, He forgives us, and he PROVIDES FOR US!

I just can’t stop saying: Thank you JESUS for that truck! And I hope you’ll look around today and find things you’re thankful for too. Then don't forget to say, "Thank you Jesus for _________!"