My husband... my family... my country

I love my husband.  I don't love him because he's perfect.  I don't love him only when he's doing things that make me happy. I love him. Period. All. The. Time.

Somedays it is EASY to love him... like when he's giving me handmade farmhouse benches or making me the perfect eggs.  Somedays I just stubbornly make a CHOICE to love him... you know he's not everyone's cup of sunshine.

I love my family.  I don't love them because they're perfect.  I don't love them only when they're doing things that make me happy. I love them. Period. All. The. Time.

Somedays it is EASY to love them... like when mom is taking me out to breakfast or when we are gathered around a table laughing together.  Somedays I just stubbornly make a CHOICE to love them... when you live life closely with people they can be offensive and unpleasant.

I love my country. I don't love it because it's perfect.  I don't love it only when it's full of things that make me happy. I love it. Period. All. The. Time.

Somedays it is EASY to love my country... like when I hear about everyday people helping stranded hurricane victims or I read about a couple adopting an entire family of orphans.  Somedays I just stubbornly make a CHOICE to love it... like when I am assaulted with the knowledge that we have made it LEGAL to murder babies in the womb... or when I watch people using their freedom to assemble to trash and destroy the property of others.

If you love only when the object of your affection is lovable, might I suggest that is not love. Love  isn't loving only those you like.... Love isn't being supportive when they are pleasant... it isn't just pretty pink or red heart shapes.... it isn't just red, white, and blue bunting... love can be dirty and ugly and flawed and DIFFICULT... but what makes it love is that it NEVER ends. No matter how offensive, rude, unjust, and even unlovable... love. NEVER. ends.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:7‭-‬8

I'm alive! REALLY! I am!!!!

I did NOT fall off the face of the earth!  I promise!  I'm still here.  "Well then, Jami, where have you been???"  Well, it's been one of "those" months for the Kastners.

1.  I was SICK (and actually am AGAIN now!)  I got a cold and it lingered for three weeks before this stubborn, hard-headed, martyr mom, FINALLY went to the doctor.  It took nearly the whole ten days of antibiotics to feel better.  Now, I am coming down with something else.  Before my inbox gets flooded with suggestions as to how to improve my immune system and demands that I see the doctor in case I have something wrong with me, I KNOW what is wrong with me:  immune system horribly compromised by severe sleep deprivation.  I'm working on it!  I promise!  Hannah's just going through the growing pains of giving up a nap, but yet she's not TOTALLY ready to give it up... Of course this means increased sleep deprivation for the mom.  In the middle of cold/flu season, that is a LETHAL combination for my immune system.

Lesson learned:  Playing the martyr typically does not end well.  Trying to tough it out can sometimes be good (like if you're a professional football player getting paid a zillion dollars to tough it out through an injury).... but if you're a mom toughing it out with sickness typically just gets you further and further behind the eight ball.  I STILL have not caught up on the laundry, the dishes have been one load behind for a month, and I am CONSTANTLY feeling tired.  But God is SOOO good.  Not only does He teach us a lesson:  "Jami, do NOT put your health last ALL the time or the whole family will suffer."  But He gives us a follow-up pop quiz:  "Here's another little cold.  Will you chose to take it easy or will you prove that you NEVER learn your lesson?"  (I'm taking a nap in 33 min!  I learned MY lesson!)

2.  This past month, we had a WEEK filled with terror and death.  Here's how it went down:

Thursday, October 14th.... I was only on day 2 of antibiotics... I had actually called in sick to my work-at-home job (that's only happened maybe 4 times in the past 11 years)... I was in bed and awoke to find I had missed several calls from my sister.  When I finally called her back, she asked me some nutty question about John working and then hung up on me.  I was half asleep, sick and VERY confused.  I called her back several times and when she finally answered she asked me to meet her at Hartford Hospital because Luke was being sent to Children's in Flight for Life with a brain injury.  The adrenaline PULSED through my body.  I flew outta bed.  I raced around looking for clothes while barking orders to the kids:  "Get dressed!  We're leaving!  NOW!"  It was one of the scariest things I can recall going through... Luke fell from a tree and ended up with a severe concussion, because Hartford Hospital doesn't handle pediatric head trauma he had to go to Children's in Flight for Life... scary, scary, SCARY.... but he is FINE!  Struggling through recovering from a concussion but it could have been SO MUCH WORSE.

While all this was going on I was in communication with Christina about what had happened to Luke.  At some point, she informed me that she had just found out her father had died.  (I don't know if you all recall, but Christina lost her mother tragically in 2009... now she is 22 and an orphan.)

While we were still reeling from Luke's injury and trying to arrange plans for me to be at Christina's Dad's funeral, we learned that John's childhood best friend had passed away.  While they had lost touch a little in recent years, this was a TRAGIC loss for John.  He had been friends with Ron Kloeden since he was 5 years old.  Every childhood memory John has includes Ron Kloeden.  Ron was the best man in our wedding.  It was VERY difficult for John.

That week was the toughest we've had since brain surgery.  But as in all things, we persevered with His support.

Lesson learned:  Life is SO fleeting.  You just NEVER know what is around the corner.  Live life to the fullest.  Cherish every moment.  Cling to those you love and don't let ONE MOMENT pass without telling them how you feel.  [Oh and one more side lesson from this:  my crazy, loud, occasionally-invasive family is THE BEST!  As I stood there in the ER waiting room at Children's looking around at my sister who raced over from work, my Gma sitting in the wheelchair, Mom and Dad trying hard to be strong but terrified for their baby and their grandbaby, my husband who called in to his second job to support us all, and my sister the STRONGEST woman I know handling yet ANOTHER life-threatening crisis with her baby boy.... I reazlied... I have the GREATEST family in the whole entire world.]

Sooooo am I back?  idk... I will try... but I have had to prioritize to get through this past month and blogging has been pushed WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to the bottom of my priority list.  So never fear... I am still here... but I may be a little quiet right now because now that I'm kinda on the upswing from crazy, zany October, I can see THE HOLIDAYS on the horizon and WAH!  that's NOT going to ease my load!

Take care everyone!

Day 7... My final thoughts

So sorry I left you all hanging on the wrap up to the soul cleanse thing. It has been an INSANE week (more to follow in another blog) and I have not had a second to breathe much less blog.

I really enjoyed our endeavor. The soul cleanse revolutionized my life in a few areas, refreshed my soul and refocused my spirit. I highly recommend embarking on a week long "diet" for your spiritual life. I think we would all reap different benefits from one but we would ALL reap benefits.

Quick wrap-up then... What I learned from my soul cleanse:

***(for Jami Lynn Kastner) the TV is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. I do not do moderation well in just about ANY area of my life, and TV is an area where I just should not even start.

***children learn best by example. You can't tell your kids to love Jesus. You can't lecture or Bible read your kids into loving Jesus. You have to love Jesus with ALL of yourself and let them SEE how to love Jesus.

***A lot of the time, healing is like peeling an onion. The healing happens in layers. God peels off layers of hurt one at a time, so each underneath layer can get prepped before hitting the harsh, cruel elements outside the onion. I like that type of healing. While I'm impatient for the healing to be "complete," I like that God is gentle with me when healing me.

***My husband is an fountain of spiritual wisdom. Every once and a while like a geyser he spews forth some of that wisdom and I am amazed at what showers all around me. I am glad my children have THIS daddy for many reasons but mostly because of the spiritual things he reveals to them.

***I love Jesus. I just do. I love Him always, completely and FOREVER.

Day 6... ONE thing

The more we do Family Worship; the more I hear my children walking around with a song on their lips. The more we pray together; the longer and more in-depth my children's prayers become. The more we read the Bible; the more they talk about what is in the Bible. Basically, the more God they get; the more God they want!

That is the ONE thing. Of course, I want my children to have a good education. Of course, I want my children to be healthy. Of course, I want my children to grow up to be successful human beings. But if I give them NOTHING in this world, but this ONE thing: a love for Jesus Christ. I am a success.

Which is actually very humbling and convicting to me..... Where is that ONE thing in my life? Is it left for last after all my busyness? Is it smushed into the beginning of my day before I get started with work, laundry, schooling, meal prep? If that ONE thing is most important in my life, then why doesn't it LOOK most important in my life? Why isn't every week the way the last one has been? Saturated with God... Focused above... Bathed in holiness....

I think that is the challenge moving forward. We have one last day of our soul cleanse. But it won't end there. I have to carry my clean soul with me every single day and KEEP IT CLEAN too. Alas, I digress into tomorrow's topic....

Day 4... One home

Do you ever wonder why you even read the news? All it contains is bad news! Does it ever make you feel overwhelmed? I mean you're just ONE person in a world of zillions. What can you do?

It all starts with one person. It all starts in one home. As we prayed yesterday John touched on this idea, and it really ministered to my soul. If all John and I EVER do is set this one family of six people on fire for God, that is a start.

Let's just imagine, for argument's sake, that each of our children marries and has two children. If our children just set their families on fire for God, the number of on fire believers would swell to eighteen! If the numbers kept going exactly like that in just five generations, John and I would have indirectly helped set 122 people on fire for God! Now multiply that by just ten different families doing the same... 1220!!!!

We CAN make a difference! It JUST starts with ONE FAMILY at a time! This is the truth I have been reminding myself of during these past two difficult days (today was better than yesterday but still NOT good). I keep clinging to the fact that we CAN change the world just by affecting change in this ONE FAMILY!

Birthday blog....

On the occasion of my birthday I thought I would reflect on what I've learned over the past 12 months. It's been a rocky year... one that resembles some sort of boot camp experience... but I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I learned A LOT:

1. It is God who holds my heart in His hands. He is the only One who will never let me down, leave me, or betray me. Friends, family members, spouses... They disappoint, leave, betray, even die... But He NEVER will. NEVER!

2. It is very important to keep my focus forward; however, glancing backward to remember where I have been is VITAL when attempting not to repeat past mistakes.

3. You can't fix stupid. This may sound funny coming from a teacher; however I have come to see that I CANNOT change the inane rules my insurance company has... I CANNOT change a headstrong, mule-like person... I just CANNOT fight city hall.... Therefore, some battles are better left unfought.

4. Stress.... It's a killer! Stress will catch up with you. It doesn't matter how much I think I resemble Wonder Woman. It doesn't matter that I think I can handle it. Put your body through continual and constant stress, and eventually, the effects will begin to show.

5. His grace is ALWAYS sufficient. No matter what I FEEL like. No matter what I FEAR. No matter what the devil is whispering to me.... No matter that those aforementioned effects of stress are beginning to show... His grace is ALWAYS sufficient.

6. People are crazy and we live in strange times. (Have to admit I stole this one from my mom and her healthcare seminar).... it's so true... read it again... marinate on it... I think you'll agree.

7. One ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship. (Spanish Proverb) When push comes to shove.... When I am down on my luck... When I feel like I have no one else to turn to... My family is ALWAYS there for me and this I can ALWAYS take to the bank: my Momma loves me.

8. This thing called parenting... Heck this thing called marriage... it just ain't as easy as it looks. There are days when I want to throw the whole kit and caboodle out with the used dishwater, BUT... the benefits... should I choose not to throw in the towel... are well, well, WELL worth it.

9. I am sooooo glad that God chose these specific angels to be my babies. They may be daredevils.... Their heads have been known to spin around.... But they are sweet and smart and kind and polite.... They LOVE Jesus with all of them and THEY ARE MY BABIES! And I am GRATEFUL!

10. John Joseph Kastner is the bravest man I know. He is no saint, and he is not perfect. But he bravely faces down EVERY challenge that comes before him. He will fight to the DEATH for his family and especially his wife. He will never give up no matter how insurmountable the odds seem... no matter how scared he is... no matter what it might cost him. I am ever grateful that my God chose THIS man to complete me... for without him I would be NOTHING.

So there it is... another year older, and actually, I think this year (more than many others) I am actually another year wiser as well. It is NOT a year I wish to repeat EVER again, but it is definitely a year that brought me closer to God, my husband, my children, and my family. It was definitely a year that made me stronger. Hope I'm not too whimpy though if I ask just one thing as a "birthday wish"...

Dear God, Can I please have an easier year next?

My mom the superhero....

***1.5 mile walk to soccer practice = exhausting
***updating Facebook status to read, “Jami is sitting at soccer practice…NOT looking forward to the 1.5 mile walk home.” = easy
***having a mom who is on Facebook and then comes to rescue you with a ride home = priceless

When I answered my cell phone to my mother’s greeting of, “We can come pick you up at soccer practice.” I was a little confused. How did she know I did not want to walk home from practice? Geesh! Maybe I’m not just talking out of my butt when I tell my kids, “Don’t you dare! I know what you’re thinking!” Then she said, “I was just on Facebook…” and I thought, “Praise God for a mom who is on Facebook!” She and my brother Seth hightailed it up to the middle school and saved me from a 1.5 mile walk accompanied by four WHINING children. For two months or so I had been playing drowning victim to my mother’s role of just-in-time lifeguard saving the day. Over and over again, she would breeze in with a cheerful, “Here I am to save the day!” It made me so grateful I have a mom who is so generous and giving. It also really got me thinking, and I realized two things:

1. You are never too old to need your Momma.

2. I am glad that God has a bit of superhero in Him too.

I'm glad that He swoops in proclaiming, “Here I am to save the day!” But is He really saving the day? Or does it just appear that way to us? Does our perspective make us think He is a superhero, when instead He is really a Master Builder with a perfect plan?

This week the kids and I attempted to make a paper mache piñata for school (HUGE failure, but yeah that's not the point of this story). We started with a balloon. The kids kept saying, "How are we going to get the candy in that balloon? It doesn't make sense." I told them, "I have a plan just watch and see." Then we covered it with the wet, messy, gloppy newspaper soaked in paste and they said, "How are we gonna get the candy in there?" I said, "I have a plan just watch and see." As we tied a string around it for the hanger, they said, "How are we going to get the candy in there?" I said, "I have a plan just watch and see." They were so darn focused on getting that silly candy into the piñata that they were missing out on learning the process of making a piñata!

God called my mind towards the struggles in my life. When I say to Him, "How are you going to turn THIS around for your glory?" He says to me, "I have a plan just watch and see." When I bug Him with, "How in the world are you going to get me outta THIS?" He says to me, "I have a plan just watch and see." When I scream at Him, "Why God!?!? Why!?!?" He says to me, "I have a plan just watch and see." But I stay SO focused on the rescue, SO focused on getting to the end of the struggle that I have to wonder if I get all I need to out of the process of the struggle.

So again I ask you: When God "swoops in to save the day," is He really saving the day? I don't think so. I think the "rescue" was a part of His plan all along. It just feels like He gets there in the nick of time from our perspective. All along when we were crying out for help and for understanding, He was saying, "I have a plan; just watch and see."

It is sooooooo very hard, but I am going to start trying harder to get ALL I can out of the process of the struggle. I am still going to cry out to God, "Rescue me! Save me! Show me how this all makes sense!" I am still going to wonder, "How are we gonna get the candy in there?" But I am tired of being so focused on the piñata candy that I don't learn how to make the piñata.

Will you try along with me? Will you try to focus on the process of your struggles? Will you try to stop and look around you and see what God wants you to learn when you are face down in the mud and the mire? He WILL save the day. There is NO doubt about that! So slow down and LEARN while His plot unfolds, because He has a plan; just watch and see.

The dark side to love...

When I was 13, I broke three bones across the top of my foot at gymnastics. Apparently I had a slight tendency towards tears, therefore because I didn't cry, no one believed I was really hurt. I didn't cry because I was trying to tough it out. I didn't cry when it happened. I didn't cry when my coach examined it. I didn't cry when my friend's mom picked me up to drive her turn in the carpool and get me home. Oh but when I arrived home, the floodgates opened up! The second I saw my Momma, I couldn't put up a front any longer. All the tears I had been holding back, rushed forth in a torrent. See it is hard to keep our defenses up around those we know love us unconditionally.

I observe this phenomenon quite frequently in my own children. You've seen it too. You know you have! The same child who walks in the front door of your house and immediately drops his coat on the ground goes to a friends house, and the mother tells you, "He is such a wonderful child! He offered to help me with the dishes after dinner!" And you think, "I wish he would just 'offer' to pick up his coat once in awhile!"

As with all things we cannot accept the good without the bad. It is wonderful to know that I am someone that my children, my husband, my family can be real with. I love knowing that they do not feel they have to put up their defenses with me. However, it can also sting too. See the dark side to this principle is that we often "let it all hang out" for the ones we love the most. Like when I am crabby and grumpy with my husband, and the phone rings, some random person calling, and I pick it up with a smile and in a sweet voice say, "Hello!"

I also see this in the fact that it seems the closer someone is to us, the less often we engage the filter between our brain and our mouths. Now I guess we could, therefore, consider it a compliment when we get the unadultered (and sometimes painful) truth out of the mouths of those we love; however, I personally find it a bit of a shame. That the ones who matter most to us often don't get the courtesy we give to even strangers. That we are able to bite our tongue and hold back our negative or snarky comments with our friends, but are able to quickly spout off, "Mom this roast tastes like a tire tread."
With the holidays comes more and more "quality" time with our families. So I think it is a good time to consider a few things. Let's just call these Jami's rules for family gatherings.

1. It is okay not to say every single thing you think, and just because people are related to you, they are not entitled to your EVERY opinion. Do you REALLY think your sister-in-law needs to hear that you noticed she's put on a few pounds this year? Nopes. Chances are her scale is working JUST fine, and she does not need a reminder from you that there is more of her to love this year.

2. Gratefulness is not for the tangible gift given or the act committed; gratefulness is mostly for the sentiment behind the gift. If your grandmother gives you a pair of hot pink, shiny, spandex pants, just like those Olivia Newton John wore in the Let's Get Physical video. Even though with all your might you feel like screaming, "The 70s called. They want their hot pants back!" It would be much better to simply say, "Thank you." When mom slaves away all day over the turkey dinner, and it is so dry the turkey needs to be swimming in gravy in order to make the trip down your throat, it is okay to just be appreciative of the effort she put forth in making the meal.

3. Above all else put on kindness. You know kindness is about the most beautiful garment you could don this Christmas season. It will make those extra ten pounds seem like they just melt away. It can turn that dried out turkey into succulent fare. It can bind up old wounds. It can say, "I love you." like no other gesture can. It can be the best gift you give this year.

Good luck! Like any good thing in this world, families in excess can be a little hard to take. During this holiday time with tons of forced family fun, I urge you to tuck away the dark side of love and let the brightness, goodness, and kindness of your love for your family shine.

Thankful Blog Part 4 - My Family

I have the most amazing family in the world! We aren't perfect, and trust me we have got our CRAZY, but my family is loyal and true and faithful to a fault. No matter what, my family will support me... through the good and the bad... through the ugly and the pretty...

I am thankful for my mom. Everything I ever learned about how to love my children I got from my mom. She loves her children MADLY. She cherishes each and everyone of us dearly. My mother would literally give her heart if one of us needed a transplant. She is the most generous person. Most of all I am thankful that my mom loves Jesus. I am thankful that she made it a priority to give me a godly foundation for my life.

I am thankful for my dad. He was just a child when I was born... a mere 18 years old. And he did the best thing he could ever do for me; he loved my mom, he stayed married to my mom. I am thankful my dad was willing to work hard to provide a good life for us children. Again most of all I am thankful my dad loves Jesus.

I am thankful for my sister Jodi. I am thankful for her CONTINUAL and CONSTANT prayer support. I am grateful that in the middle of her husband being laid off she is worried about how she can minister to me in my time of need. I am grateful that no matter what whether she agrees with me or not she will love me and defend my right to believe what I believe and choose what I choose.

(Okay Riri... Here it is...your turn in the spotlight!)

I am thankful for my sister Cori. She is generous to a fault. She will give me or my children (or any of her family or friends) her last dime in order to make us smile. She has got my back! If someone hurts me or betrays me, that girl is RABID and straining at her leash waiting to ATTACK and rain vengenance on their head. She is funny. No matter what she can make me laugh. She does not judge me. I can always be exactly who I am with her and I know she won't judge me or offer unsolicited advice. She'll just listen and love. Finally, I am thankful for how much she loves my babies. So much in fact that some of them ask me frequently if they can go live with her.

I am thankful for my wonderful brother Seth who is the BEST uncle in the world to my children. I am thankful for my gramma, the matriarch of this wonderful, crazy family. She is supportive and amazing, and she folds some mean sock. I have an amazing Aunt and SUPER cousins.

I am blessed with the most amazing family and I am thankful for them this Thanksgiving.