48 hours...

Life is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO crazy in the Kastner household these days!  I mean imagine our normal life amped up on a Red Bull. That's what it is like around here.

***Still driving John to and from work each day (ALTHOUGH in HUGE news: he started riding a bike to work this week... tried two times on the way home and this morning on the way there... so far a RAGING success!).
***Worked a 40 hour week for the past THREE weeks. That's just the Reference Checking portion of my "work"... still caring for 5 kiddos, 1 old lady (2 old ladies sometimes), homeschooling, and managing a household.
***Trying to get in shape. Using the treadmill my sister gave me at least 3x a week but aiming for 6... only problem is I have NO TIME for that!

So anyways... mi vida loca es MUY loca these days. I have been repeatedly telling people for several months, "I can't look more than 48 hours ahead in my life." I can schedule, say a dentist appointment in September or a playdate next week, but I cannot REALLY truly look at the logistics of that event until I am 48 hours away from it. Each day holds so VERY many details that I can't look at more than 2 days without hitting COMPLETE overload.

My mom told me last night that she has been invoking my "48-hour rule" FREQUENTLY as of late. I was thinking about that on the treadmill this morning, and God spoke a little word to me. He said, "Daughter, that's how I want you to look at ALL of life. You concentrate on what YOU have to do in the next 48 hours and leave the REST up to me." What a GOOD word for me to hear!

I am SUCH a worrier at heart! I worry that my kiddos will be abducted (that one is actually my WORST fear)... I worry that I won't have the money to pay the bills... I worry and worry and worry about things that I have NO BUSINESS worrying about! This morning God tole me that I have to focus my eyes on the tasks before me in the immediate future and let Him worry about the rest! I need to leave the distant future, the things that are outside my control, the things that aren't even my business in the STRONG, CAPABLE hands of my Father and invoke the 48 hour rules over my worries as well.

Idk if this makes any sense, but as sure as I know my name is Jami, I know that God wanted me to put this mumbo jumbo out there because at least ONE of you needs to hear it.

Do not worry about the things that are in the distant future.
Do not worry about the things that are out of your control.
Do not worry about the things that are in other people's lives.

Set your mind to accomplishing the things God has put before you for RIGHT NOW and let HIM take care of all the rest.

Hope this brings peace and encouragement to someone!

Have a great Friday!

Excising a skin lesion....

Here I sit in the doctor's office.  The positive part of being a mom is I didn't have much time to stress about this appointment.  However, now in the stillness before the doctor arrives... children safely deposited at my father's...  nightmarish city traffic successfully navigated...  I have to admit there's a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Just a little niggling feeling, "What if what the doctor suspects is nothing is actually something?" Ugh!  Then from another corner, "Is this gonna hurt?"  And then, "Meh...  Wish I didn't have anymore time to WORRY-- "

And with that thought my worries ceased.  In breezed Dr. Larson with two shots of numbing juice.  He returned with a copy of Brad's book (MUCH more blogging about that in the future, I PROMISE!), and then he left again for just long enough that the numbing agent could kick in (and long enough for me to start bawling over Brad's book).  The actual excision of the skin lesion wasn't that laborious, although his comment, "If I had to put money on it, I'd bet this was a little bit of skin cancer," was not exactly what I wanted to hear.  

Before I knew it the procedure was over, and I was on my way to pick up the kiddos with instructions to return in a week for suture removal and the pathology report.  It was a relatively quick and painless experience which was, however, fraught with life lesson for me (and for those of you who choose to read my blog).

1.  While busyness is often the bane of my existence, it also FREQUENTLY is a blessed distraction.  I scheduled the appointment to have this "thing" removed from my back WEEKS ago, but I really had little to no time to worry about it because I have been consumed with the start of school, work busyness, and another brain surgery setback.  Of course there is a time for everything and a season for everything under the Heavens...  Therefore, there is DEFINITELY a time for quiet and still retrospection.  However, in times when worries assail:  late at night when money woes have you awake, seated in the waiting room while the doctor is with your loved one, or over the course of seven days of waiting for pathology results, busyness can be a great worry antidote. 

2.  I thought of God a lot through this procedure.  Even though Dr. Larson numbed the area prior to dipping his scalpel into it, I still felt some discomfort even a little pain during the procedure.  I thought of how God applies a numbing agent prior to doing "surgery" on our souls too.  It is called the "peace that passes all understanding." I was just contemplating this phenomenon yesterday.  I was thinking back on some really tough times our family has been through and wondering, "How did we get through that?" I realized that God's peace forms a protective blanket around our soul not COMPLETELY blocking out ALL pain but numbing us from most of it so we don't get overwhelmed.

3. It is what it is.  I kinda had this wondering thought as I left the doctor's office.  I wondered, "What if this is something bad?" Then I stopped myself and realized... it is what it is.  My worrying will NOT change what it is ONE BIT.  How powerful to think of that in light of all the worrying I have done over the past 41 years.  It is what it is...   My worrying doesn't change it one bit..  SOOOOOO why waste one minute worrying then???? 

So now I'm just enjoying the rest of this day off work.  The sun is shining.  The air has a hint of fall mixed with summer.  We enjoyed some of the BEAUTIFUL Wisconsin fall landscape on the way to and from the city.  Life is GOOD and so is God!  I'm so grateful to be His and that He keeps me safe in His loving embrace. 

Have a blessed day everyone!

I'm an Idiot (I mean optimist)

Why do I ALWAYS believe the best in people? Why do I get these lofty ideas that THIS time will be different? They won't let me down. A Christian wouldn't do THAT to me. They've learned their lesson. They care about me too much to make that choice. Normal people aren't that mean.

The truth is much of the time, people WILL let you down. A Christian would do THAT. It takes a LONG time before people learn their lessons. Even when someone cares about you they can make BAD choices. Finally, normal people are sinful, vile creatures... just like me.

What to do when faced with FILTH of another person's act? A boss, a friend, a spouse, a family member...

Well first of all you do the forgiveness thing.... yada yada yada. I'm not being flip here because I don't believe in forgiveness. I'm being flip because forgiveness is like Christianity 101. I've got that one down. In fact, many people in my life are on me because I am TOO forgiving. They purport there are certain things that should NOT be forgiven and/or that I forgive a little too easily and completely.

Here's where I get hung up.... I get hung up on wallowing in the WHY of it all. Why did they let me down? Why did they do it again? And WHAT can I do to avoid it in the future. See there is a very dark side to the fact that I am very good at taking personal responsibility for things. I often find myself slipping into blaming myself when things happen to me, even things that are CLEARLY out of my control.

I'm sitting here right now staring at a situation. I keep saying to myself, "Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time will be different." But deep down in my soul I know, I just KNOW it will not. This person is going to make the same poor choice again. They will not have learned a THING from their past actions. [I promise with ALL of me if they surprise me I will admit it here. I swear I will.] But even though my soul is so sure it will turn out exactly the way it always has in the past, my heart keeps whispering, "Not this time. Not this time." I guess it's good that I'm able to be optimistic, but it feels like I'm just an idiot.

This past summer I faced a similar situation. I could see the writing on the wall. I knew that an ICKY thing was coming my way. Yet there I sat believing the best, trusting and hoping. Even while all the evidence was being laid out in front of me, I continued on in my idiotic (optimistic) hopeful ways. Firmly and surely, God kept advising my soul, "Do NOT put your trust in men. Put your trust in ME." He kept saying it to me over and over. At first, I thought that meant I was supposed to trust Him to keep the bad thing from happening, but then the ax fell, and I saw the truth. He was there to pick up the pieces from what man had broken. He was there holding me the whole time. Before, during, and after, my life fell apart. He will NEVER let me down. I feel Him saying this to me again today, in this much more minor situation. The path that is chosen this time may be similar to the one that has always been chosen before. Man may let me down AGAIN, but God NEVER, EVER will. God will be there when the sin of this world has been spewed all over me. God will be there to pick up the pieces of my shattered hopes. God will be there in the life-altering and merely annoying disappointments. He will be THERE.

While sometimes I think it would be easier if I prepared for the worst, so the good things were a pleasant surprise. I guess I'm mostly glad that God has got this Idiot (I mean optimist) in the palm of His hand. I'm glad that no matter what man might do to me, He will NEVER let me down.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20b

My mom the superhero....

***1.5 mile walk to soccer practice = exhausting
***updating Facebook status to read, “Jami is sitting at soccer practice…NOT looking forward to the 1.5 mile walk home.” = easy
***having a mom who is on Facebook and then comes to rescue you with a ride home = priceless

When I answered my cell phone to my mother’s greeting of, “We can come pick you up at soccer practice.” I was a little confused. How did she know I did not want to walk home from practice? Geesh! Maybe I’m not just talking out of my butt when I tell my kids, “Don’t you dare! I know what you’re thinking!” Then she said, “I was just on Facebook…” and I thought, “Praise God for a mom who is on Facebook!” She and my brother Seth hightailed it up to the middle school and saved me from a 1.5 mile walk accompanied by four WHINING children. For two months or so I had been playing drowning victim to my mother’s role of just-in-time lifeguard saving the day. Over and over again, she would breeze in with a cheerful, “Here I am to save the day!” It made me so grateful I have a mom who is so generous and giving. It also really got me thinking, and I realized two things:

1. You are never too old to need your Momma.

2. I am glad that God has a bit of superhero in Him too.

I'm glad that He swoops in proclaiming, “Here I am to save the day!” But is He really saving the day? Or does it just appear that way to us? Does our perspective make us think He is a superhero, when instead He is really a Master Builder with a perfect plan?

This week the kids and I attempted to make a paper mache piñata for school (HUGE failure, but yeah that's not the point of this story). We started with a balloon. The kids kept saying, "How are we going to get the candy in that balloon? It doesn't make sense." I told them, "I have a plan just watch and see." Then we covered it with the wet, messy, gloppy newspaper soaked in paste and they said, "How are we gonna get the candy in there?" I said, "I have a plan just watch and see." As we tied a string around it for the hanger, they said, "How are we going to get the candy in there?" I said, "I have a plan just watch and see." They were so darn focused on getting that silly candy into the piñata that they were missing out on learning the process of making a piñata!

God called my mind towards the struggles in my life. When I say to Him, "How are you going to turn THIS around for your glory?" He says to me, "I have a plan just watch and see." When I bug Him with, "How in the world are you going to get me outta THIS?" He says to me, "I have a plan just watch and see." When I scream at Him, "Why God!?!? Why!?!?" He says to me, "I have a plan just watch and see." But I stay SO focused on the rescue, SO focused on getting to the end of the struggle that I have to wonder if I get all I need to out of the process of the struggle.

So again I ask you: When God "swoops in to save the day," is He really saving the day? I don't think so. I think the "rescue" was a part of His plan all along. It just feels like He gets there in the nick of time from our perspective. All along when we were crying out for help and for understanding, He was saying, "I have a plan; just watch and see."

It is sooooooo very hard, but I am going to start trying harder to get ALL I can out of the process of the struggle. I am still going to cry out to God, "Rescue me! Save me! Show me how this all makes sense!" I am still going to wonder, "How are we gonna get the candy in there?" But I am tired of being so focused on the piñata candy that I don't learn how to make the piñata.

Will you try along with me? Will you try to focus on the process of your struggles? Will you try to stop and look around you and see what God wants you to learn when you are face down in the mud and the mire? He WILL save the day. There is NO doubt about that! So slow down and LEARN while His plot unfolds, because He has a plan; just watch and see.

Worry Doubles the Suffering

Every time I get behind the wheel of our minivan, I am gripped by fear. I have struggled with this for a long time. We have been in the vise grip of financial hardship, struggling to make the bills each month for almost four years now. There is absolutely none of what you all call "savings;" we have no reserve; there is nothing to fall back on. Therefore, I live in a continual state of fear that something will go wrong with our vehicle. Now that we are down to just one vehicle in another attempt to stop the hemorrhaging of our finances, the fear and worry have intensified greatly.

The Bible has a lot to say about worry:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? (Matthew 6:25)

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? (Matthew 6:27)

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. (Matthew 6:28)

So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" (Matthew 6:31)

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

I know these verses oh so well. I have learned them, heard them, memorized them since I was a little girl, yet STILL I worry. I worry that the brakes will need to be replaced. I worry that the transmission will go. I worry that the tires will need to be replaced. Worry! Worry! Worry! Two weeks ago the tires needed to be replaced, and guess what? We found the money to do that. I do not know exactly how, but it worked out. Yesterday the brakes started grinding. We are squeezing the money to fix them out of our tight budget. Guess what? The actual things that go wrong with the car are quickly taken care of without much suffering at all. You know what is causing all my suffering? Worry.

John and I have been in this horrible financial nightmare for almost four years now. We have suffered through situations that most of you can't even imagine. We have not only been putting a band-aid on the bullet hole in our finances, but we have also been dealing with the confusion of those around us who just do not seem to understand why we can't get the bleeding to stop. Guess what? We do not get it either. We have given up two vehicles in order to save money. We have given up just about every single luxury imaginable. We rarely buy things for our children. Every single piece of furniture on our lower level has either been give to us as a gift, rescued from someone else's garbage heap, or bought with the bartering of John's hard work. Yet still here we are hemorrhaging without anything to stop the bleeding but a single little band-aid. Through all of this, over and over and OVER again, I have seen God reach down, brushing aside my little band-aid, and put his finger over the bullet hole holding back the bleeding. Here's what I do not get: STILL I worry. I have come face-to-face with the awesome power of my great God over and over and over again through this journey and STILL I worry about the next hurdle. This week! This very week! I witness yet another miracle, and STILL I worry. My hours have been drastically reduced at work. I was expecting a ludicrous check that would barely be enough for the groceries and would definitely not be enough to cover our small (yet seemingly impossible) tax bill. Yesterday the deposit posted to my account, and it was twice what I thought it would be. What? How is that possible? I had yet to receive my paystub so I had no idea why my deposit was so large. This morning I found out. In spite of tough economic times, my company paid us last year's gain sharing. Praise Jesus! Now I could pay the taxes!

So here it is finally...I am to the lesson part. The worry is what is causing my suffering, NOT the financial hardship. Worry is making me lose sleep. Worry is knotting up my stomach. Worry is taking its toll on my health. Worry is the demon I need to slay. I need to get my eyes up off the worry and back onto my God. Maybe all of this bleeding is happening NOT because of mistakes we have made or Satan trying to break us. Maybe, just possibly, this has a greater purpose: that of getting me to stop being a slave to worry.

What are you worrying about today? The cancer returning? A loved one passing? Your spouse cheating? The car breaking down? Partner with me. Let's agree TODAY to lie down our worries and to focus our eyes on our God. Today let us remember that His eye is on the sparrow, and today let us purpose in our hearts not to allow ourselves to be enslaved to worry.