Day 2... Prayer Walk

Have you seen Facing the Giants? It is one of our FAVORITE movies. I haven't blogged about it in quite some time though. That movie just ROCKED my world and is the source of MANY good ideas, blogs, and resolutions for John and me. One of those ideas came to us in April 2009. Inspired by the man who walks the halls of the high school praying over each locker, John and I began walking the aisles at our church prior to Sunday service, and praying for a revival. Well today John spring boarded off his initial good idea and came up with another doozie!

Ever since leaving New Day Church, John and I have felt God calling us to take a break from service. At New Day, we were self-admittedly over-committed. It seemed we served in every ministry they had available: set-up, worship team, lunch-making, youth group, meals for those in need. After four years we were POOPED and really felt that God wanted us to abstain from getting involved in church ministry for awhile. However, anyone who knows us can probably imagine what a difficult pill that was for us to swallow. We are doers. We are servers. We are NOT ones to just sit there in warm a pew. However, that was exactly what God was asking us to do. I fought back a little, testing the limits my Heavenly parent had set and begged, "Isn't there ANYWHERE I can serve God? I feel so useless without service!" Quietly I felt Him answer, "Your neighborhood is going to be your mission field."

As a result John and I have made efforts to reach out to those in our little neighborhood. We have gotten to know a few people, and we have reached out a little through prayer and service. Well today God gave John an idea which flowed perfectly with this new commission God had given us. He said that, just like we used to walk the aisles of New Day Church and pray, we should start walking the streets of our neighborhood and pray. GENIUS! I LOVED it!

So we started tonight. Admittedly we only made it down "our" cul de sac and part of the adjacent one. The kids pooped out halfway back up our cul de sac. Initially I told them they could go inside while we walked/prayed the rest of the neighborhood, but just a short way down the second street, I started feeling very uncomfortable about walking while they were at home and out of my line of sight. So we did a blanket prayer over the last two streets and headed back home.

As we walked down our little street, we prayed for all our neighbors. For the ones we know, we prayed specifically. Our friends Mike and Rose were out in their garden, and John even walked up the drive and asked if he could pray for Rose. We have been holding them tight in our prayers for several months as Rose has suffered some medical struggles that even the Mayo Clinic has been unable to diagnose. (I would really appreciate it if you could pray for them too. Pain and sickness are so hard to bear but when it is undiagnosed the suffering is greatly increased.) (Yups Kristie we prayed for you and your little clan too as we passed by your abode). For the ones we've yet to meet, we prayed more generally. Regardless it was a GREAT inaugural Prayer Walk, and I look forward to making it a weekly occurrence.

An update on the rest of the Soul Cleanse:

We are doing GREAT so far. No TV. No talk radio. No secular music. This morning we arose at 5:30 a.m. and had our individual quiet time which ended with prayer together as a couple. Immediately after "wake up call" I read the Bible with Auntie Marge and the kids and we prayed. As a family we did our prayer walk and followed it with Family Worship. Right now, John is doing bedtime Bible reading and prayer with the kids while I blog (last night's blog kept me up WAY too late).

We are experiencing some breakthroughs, but on a few issues we are still pounding against the barriers praying that God will bring them tumbling down. An odd side effect that I really didn't think of or expect has been a RIDICULOUS increase in intimacy. The more frequently we pray, praise and read the Word together the more I see of my husband's heart, and I REALLY like what I see. I know we're only on day 2 here, but I SURE hope that we can keep a consistency to some of this.... especially in the area of prayer together. We've always kinda gone in fits and starts in this area, and I just keep thinking if this is how much we've grown and learned and reaped after just two days of GREATLY increased prayed time, what would 2 weeks bring us? or 2 months? or 2 years? We shall see I guess.

Okay everyone I gotta close this up. We still have intercessory prayer on our Soul Cleanse agenda for tonight and my eyelids are already drooping. Have a great night!

Pray without ceasing....

My life has been so stressful lately! Many have expressed concern over the blogs I've been posting. I guess that's the downside to bare naked honesty. Too much is never enough. I try sometimes to keep a few of MY details out, in order to make my writing applicable to more people, but then I seem to muddy the water and arouse suspicion. Idk...

Just this week I told John, my gut was getting sketchy and was telling me to run away from my life as a lesson for awhile, like I did this past summer when the heat was turned up too high. He encouraged me to take a different route this time. Wisely advising, that possibly by standing through the heat God would reveal even more to me.

So here I stand. My yuck displayed (or at least mostly displayed) for all to see. I've really been going through it lately. I can't EXACTLY finger when this most recent plunge into the depths began, but it has been a rough start to 2010, a year I had hoped would be MARKEDLY better than its predecessor 2009, a year which will go down in infamy as the year that nearly destroyed Jami Lynn Kastner.

Since the middle of January, I have been helping the rest of my family to care for my elderly grandmother. This is a labor of love for all of us; however, even when laboring for love you can get depleted. All of us are playing different roles in this play entitled Keep Gma out of a Nursing Home as Long as Humanly Possible. For me it involves traveling to Franklin (a 1-hour drive one way) twice per week and working and homeschooling from my parents' house while caring for Gma. I also prepare dinner (most of the time) for my entire family on those days and try to keep Hannah from destroying my mother's things (not very successful at that one). Caring for Gma is not THAT bad in the grand scheme of things. Her care involves mostly gently cajoling her to do the things she needs to do: teeth brushing, hair brushing and ensuring her meds are taken and vitals are recorded. I do prepare her meals (but big WUP I was doing that for four little ones anyways.... what's adding in one more mouth to prep food for). Most things she is still capable of doing herself. Also, this labor is not without its perks. I am compensated monetarily. We are fed from my parents' pantry two days a week. They have cable, a fact the children RELISH. However, it is still exhausting to take the Crazy Kastner Show on the road two times per week.

Add into the insanity the fact that our washer broke about a month ago. So for that long I have been dragging the laundry of a family of seven to and from Franklin with us twice per week. Again.... there is ALWAYS a silver lining.... my Gma and Auntie Marge fold all my clothes while we are at my parents, but still it is EXCRUCIATING to have this big of a family and have no washer. We are VERY close to hopefully having enough money to replace the beast, but until we do.... on I plod dragging my dirty (and then clean) clothes to and from Mom & Dad's.... being a burden to my parents electric bill and depleting their laundry supplies... and remaining incapable of instantly cleaning up any childlike emergencies (puke, HUGE milk spills which become VERY stinky when stored for 3 or 4 days, other things to delicate for the senses to be posted here).

Oh and that brings up the next little stress to my system. My Great Aunt (also elderly and now incapable of living independently) moved in with us at the beginning of February. In many ways, this is not so bad. She pays us room & board (which is a HUGE help). She LOVES and ADORES the kids and frequently occupies them (especially Hannah who could definitely use 24-hour observation to keep her out of trouble). However, it is still a shock to our system to have a new person in our house. She does require assistance and care, which is a little hard but I keep telling her (because she feels bad and that she is a burden to an already stressed out woman) she changed my diapers when I was a baby... I can do my part and get her a cup of coffee or remind her to take her meds. It is, however, quite "interesting" living with someone who has spent the past five years basically being a hermit. She has REALLY toned down the continual talking about inconsequential things; however, she still reads me EVERY SINGLE street sign we pass when we are in the car. It's like I have a living breathing GPS system sitting next to me. That means that four times a week for one hour each time I have to hear,

"Madison Road. Turning onto Madison Road."

"Hwy 33. We're at Hwy 33."

"Washington County. We're in Washington County now."

"Hwy 41. That's how we get to Milwaukee. Hwy 41."

"Germantown. Already in Germantown."

ALL THE WAY TO AND FROM Franklin! It is interesting to say the least.

The typical Kastner stresses have been heating up too.... John's neck/shoulder muscles have been revolting lately. They seem to get tighter by the day. The other night he walked into the bedroom, and his shoulders were nearly touching his earlobes. The pain and tightness tends to make him a "little" crabby to the point that I'm about ready to make a bed for him on the front porch and start sliding his meals through the screen door. And lack of money... ahhhh lack of money my constant companion..... we are now just $106 away from paying off our van yet last month we had to scrape and struggle to come up with a HUGE amount of back payments to ensure we were allowed to keep the dilapadated beast we just about own. I cannot remember the last time I was able to go to the grocery store and just BUY the things we need. This week I promised the kids that the second I had the full amount budgeted for groceries they could each pick their favorite meal and that week we'd have "Favorites Week" for dinners. They are so sick of having no "snackies" in the house, but yet they still don't tire of pancakes for dinner. PLEASE!!!! No one tell them that this is because pancakes cost just pennies per serving and make a VERY economical dinner. They think I am spoiling them!

Finally, add into this recipe for a breakdown: stress with my work, still adjusting to living in a new community, my oldest entering the "tween" stage and acquiring a rare, but oh so lovely, teenage type attitude, rolling my stinking ankle every time I try to get a little "me-time" by working out, a bum back cuz I'm old & out of shape, my face breaking out like a teenager, having a husband I rarely see cuz he works two jobs, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF!

I've been begging God for answers, solutions, coping strategies, and as always, He "gives generously to all without finding fault" (from James 1:5) I have been getting some answers, and here's the first one.

pray continually; I Thessalonians 5:17

That's the entire verse. I swear it is. If you don't believe me, look it up! It doesn't say, "Pray when you're in trouble." It isn't, "Pray when good things happen." It isn't even, "Pray morning, noon and night." I think that I Thessalonians 5:17 may be the most poignant verse in the whole Bible.... "pray continually;" (emphasis mine)

I looked up continually. Here's what I found:

1 : continuing indefinitely in time without interruption

2 : recurring in steady usually rapid succession

Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession.... Is that how you pray??? I guess I'll have to examine that idea to arrive at my answer to that question.

At first I guess I thought that God was saying to me, "Pray some more, Jami." But the more I looked at it, the more I came to a different conclusion.

If my directive from God's Word is to pray "Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession...." I guess I would have to look at EVERYTHING I do as part of my prayer. I stopped to think: Is my life lived as a prayer to God? Are my words formed as a prayer to God? When I'm talking to my children? Is it language worthy of being before the throne of God? When I'm working? Is it work worthy of being before the throne of God? When I am relaxing? Is it in a manner worthy of being before the throne of God?

This concept is rocking my world. [Quick Sidenote: I absolutely LOVE and ADORE the way God takes a concept we know... one we have known since Sunday School.... one we memorized in AWANA.... one we heard about in Youth Group.... even one we clung to in previous dark days.... and REVOLUTIONIZES its meaning to us so we understand and KNOW it more deeply more completely... the same yet completely different.] This morning it came to fullness in my heart. It had been kinda lurking around in the shadows of busyness for several days and today it stepped out into the light and made itself FULLY known.

pray continually;

So that's the first coping strategy God is giving me.... turn my life into a prayer to Him.... make every word I say.... every action I execute.... a PRAYER TO HIM.... make my inner thoughts and the aroma of my attitude a PRAYER TO HIM.... be CONTINUALLY (Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession....) in prayer.

That's my challenge to you today too....

pray continually;

I've got tons more that God is teaching me through all of this, but today's blog is long enough. You'll have to wait until tomorrow for more. So until tomorrow...

pray continually;

A season of solitude....

It seems for quite some time now that God has been walking me through a season of solitude. Some days this solitude is welcome, but some days it is just lonely.

Less than a year ago, we were living in Franklin. We were surrounded by neighbors, about eleven two-family homes on our cul-de-sac. There was hustle and bustle all around us. We had random drop-bys from friends, family, former cheerleaders, and youth group kids. It kept us on our toes and meant we were rarely (if ever) alone. We were involved in a small church where we knew EVERYONE. Going to church wasn't just a spiritual event, it was a social event too. The grocery store was just 5 minutes away and Taco Bell, blessed Taco Bell, was just 5 minutes away as well.

Today, we live in Butt-Nowhere, WI. Our current cul-de-sac holds about seven single-family homes. Our doorbell never rings. Friends have to plan most of a day in order to come visit us. Our church is HUGE, and we hardly know anyone there. The grocery store is 3x as far, and Taco Bell, blessed Taco Bell, I hardly remember what a run for the border feels like.

This morning I was feeling loneliness settling around me. While last week was rough, this week started out even better! (heavy sarcasm here) This weekend Hannah had a bit of a cough, but really nothing to blog about. Sunday afternoon and evening she was running around playing, with a cough, cough here and a cough, cough there. About 8 or 9 p.m., we were lying in my bed watching Hannah Montana The Movie, and she said to me, "Mom I can't keep my eyes open." The poor baby was so wiped out. What I didn't know was that moment was the beginning of a downward spiral. She spent the night vomiting mucous and spiking a fever. At its height her fever was about 103 UNDER HER ARMPIT!!! The next morning we called the pediatrician who wanted to see her, and our fears were confirmed. She has pneumonia. The good news: it was caught early, and therefore will require only a course of antibiotics to get rid of it. The bad news: she can't stand the "pink medicine," and it is VERY hard to get a 3-year old to swallow something they don't want to swallow.

Anyway, I was feeling the exhaustion of having a sick baby on the heels of an emotional week and I started to feel so lonely. As I peered out the window at the gray fog enveloping my neighborhood, I felt the gray fog of sadness crowding in close. All of a sudden in my spirit, I heard Eva's beautiful voice singing:

This world holds nothing for me

I will follow you

This world holds nothing for me

I will follow you

I let the words of that song wash over me:

I need you Jesus to come to my rescue

Where else can I go?

There's no other name by which I am saved

Capture me with grace

I felt Him swarming in and surrounding me. I felt His presence comforting me. My troubles were still there: Hannah still has pneumonia. I am still struggling through an emotional battlefield. I have worries and cares, but:

Lord, I put my trust in You

I think that's the lesson of my "season of solitude..." THIS WORLD HOLDS NOTHING FOR ME. I think my Father has pulled me apart from all the busyness and noise of service and friendship and fun to place me in a simpler, quieter place where I can focus more on Him. Where I allow Him to fulfill all my needs. So here I am these words running through my head:

This world has nothing for me

This world has nothing for me

I will follow You

I will follow You

With my eyes refocused for the day and new hope planted in my heart, I'm going to go start my day. Hope This world holds nothing for you today too.

My heart for missions....

Sunday at church the message was called Give3 - Part 2 in a series entitled Give & Go. It was about missions, about three different ways we should give: financially, spiritually, and physically. While the sermon was delivered about foreign missions, the application of the Word to my heart was slightly different. I'm not saying that starving children in Ethiopia don't tug at my heart strings. I will admit tears streamed down my face over the story of the Indian orphan being put to bed on a mattress-less bed of wooden slats. Yet my heart for missions is a bit closer to home. My heart breaks over the mission field I see right in my backyard: hungry families in my community, broken children right here whose families are torn apart, confused teenagers at my local high school who are trying to navigate the stormy waters of this thing called adolescence. They need Jesus. They need food. They clothes to wear to school. They need their broken hearts soothed and their murky minds made clear. While the suffering of ALL people lies heavily on my heart, the people right in my backyard are those who are indelibly imprinted on "my heart for missions." I don't know what people group is most heavy on your heart, but it doesn't really matter. The need to give of ourselves financially, spiritually, and physically applies to every part of the mission field.

We need to give financially out of our assets. I always find it interesting to observe the discomfort whenever a message is delivered which includes a commission to give financially. People are so uncomfortable with this! From the person delivering the message to the those hearing it, discomfort abounds. Why?!?!?! Why do we cling so tightly to our stupid STUFF?!?!?! That amazes me. From the perspective of someone who has no money and very few tangible assets available, I can tell you that money is NOT important. I can also tell you that God doesn't need your money to move. He doesn't need you to tithe and give in order to do something miraculous. You wanna know why? HE ALREADY OWNS IT ALL! Your money, your house, your cars, your toys.... they are ALL His. The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; (Psalm 24:1) You know why God needs you to give of your tangible assets? It is NOT for His benefit. It is for YOURS. When you give your assets, YOU ARE BLESSED! That's why God wants you to give! He doesn't need your stuff! He wants you to be blessed.

We also need to give spiritually. It made me think, "What am I doing to give of myself spiritually?" There are so many ways to give of yourself spiritually!

1. Pray! John and I have this habit. When we tell someone we will pray for them, we try very hard to STOP and pray right then. I think sometimes people are a little taken aback by this, but our rationale is if we don't pray right that moment, we might not remember to pray at all. If you are not comfortable praying out loud for someone, then right away after hearing of a need stop and pray silently for it. But PRAY! It is the BEST way to give of yourself spiritually.

2. Share! You can give of yourself spiritually just by sharing what God is doing in your life. When God blesses you with an answered prayed, tell the WHOLE world about it! When God reveals something to you through your reading of the Word, share it with someone. When you hear something amazing in church, tell someone. When I was a little girl, we had this Christian songbook, and my FAVORITE song in that book was Pass it On. The lyrics went: it only takes a spark to get a fire going.... and soon all those around can warm up in its glowing.... that's how it is with God's love... once you experience it.... you want to sing... it's fresh like spring... you want to pass it on.... That's all we're talking about here... pass it on! Pass the love of God on to others by sharing what He says to you.

The final encouragement is to give physically. Basically to get up and DO SOMETHING! Make a meal for a family in need. Invite that new person in your neighborhood over for dinner. Offer to clean the house of the woman at church who just had a new baby. For me I heard this as a poke in the fanny to get back to FAITHFULLY blogging. I have been SO remiss about writing lately. So many tell me that the words God gives me to blog minister to them, yet I have let the busyness of life crowd in and I have NOT been blogging very much. Blogging is a way I can physically DO something to spread God's word. As scary as it is because I am terrified the second I type it I will fail, I am committing right here, with my blog readers as witnesses, to blog at least every other day! Yikes! I'm not sure how I'll keep up with that standard, but I am going to give it the old college try.

I hope this blog made you thing about giving of yourself. Whether your heart is drawn to starving children in Ethiopia, to hungry families in Hartford, or to confused college students on campus, give of yourself materially, spiritually, and physically to that cause.

A bad rap for Martha....

You know the story don’t you? Jesus comes to town. Martha opens up her home to Jesus. Then she’s left to do all the work of having guests, while Mary sits at the feet of Jesus listening to Him. Jesus says, “Mary chose what was better.” Well what’s a Martha to do then? Who’s going to greet the guests, prepare the food, serve the meal? The food is not going to serve itself.

I will admit it. I am a Martha. When our church needs someone to cook a meal, I am there. When a new family comes to church, I jump to welcome them. Someone’s sick? I offer to cook a meal. The nursery people called in sick? I offer to help out. I am just doing, doing, doing; moving, moving, moving. So this story gets under my skin a little.

Of course! I would love to just sit at the feet of Jesus worshiping all day long. I would love to take long prayer walks, interceding, conversing, communing. I would love to savor every word I am reading in scripture and spend hours meditating on it. What a great world it would be if I could just spend my whole day dancing and singing and praising my Savior. But there are children to be cared for, there is laundry to be done and a living to be earned. I cannot spend my whole day relaxing at the feet of Jesus like Mary did. It just isn’t feasible. What then is the lesson? What then is this Bible story calling us to?

I have been a Christian for a long time, and I have heard this story peddled over and over and over again. The take I always seem to hear goes something like this, “Don’t be a Martha. Be a Mary.” But I would like to assert that there is nothing wrong with being a Martha. For it is the Martha’s among us that get things done. It is the Martha’s who take care of people and make life run a little smoother. Fellow Martha’s, unite with me! Stop crucifying your inner Martha! Stop chastising yourself for not being more like Mary! Instead be a Martha, but purposefully allow for Mary moments in your day. Find some time each day to stop and spend a little time with your Savior. No matter how busy life gets, do not allow Him to get crowded out. My Martha/Mary theory goes something like this: It is okay to be a mover and a shaker. It is okay to get a lot accomplished. These things are fine as long as you also remember to take a little time to sit at the feet of your Savior.

I am going to take this theory a little further for the mom’s out there. (I can do that because it is my blog.) Remember to take the Mary moments with your child too. I do this thing. I call it “Memorizing the Moment.” I will find myself in a moment with one of my children that is so sweet and perfect it practically brings tears to my eyes. I will stop and take a deep breath and whisper a quick prayer, “Jesus, please help me always remember this moment.” Last night I had one. It might not seem like a moment many would want to remember. I was awoken at about 11 p.m. to the sounds of a child screaming, “Momma! Momma!” I rushed to Elijah’s side and within seconds my Mommy sense (kinda like Spidey sense but WAY better) kicked in and I asked, “Are you going to puke?” Before he could answer, the answer was forecefully spewing out of him. I spent the rest of the night kicking off covers and lurching out of bed to run to his side each time he threw up. At one point, I was snuggling him back to sleep, trying hard to push the words swine flu from my brain, when it hit me. In ten years, he won’t need me like this. In ten years when he is puking he might want my comfort, but not like this. He won’t be this dependent. I won’t see that look of I cannot do this without you here mom. He might even just rush to the toilet all by himself and tell me in the morning that he was sick. I pulled him closer to me, inhaling deeply in spite of the fact that a hint of vomit still tinged the air, and prayed, “Jesus help me memorize this moment.” You know it is almost impossible to be a mom without being a little bit of a Martha, but I promise you’ll be a better, happier, more loving mom, if you give a little face time to the Mary that’s inside of you.

So give Martha a chance. I don’t think she deserves the bad rap she’s gotten, but her sister Mary got a few things right too. That’s why this Martha is going to wrap it up and post this blog, so she can go sit at the feet of her Savior for a little bit.

Sorrow and Joy

Yesterday was such a hard day at our church. Childhood Leukemia, terminal cancer, and even a loved one passing away, all three of these situations were present yesterday morning in our tiny little church of just over one hundred people. Then I walked outside and saw the rain falling, almost as if God himself were crying over the suffering all around. It put me in a bit of a funk of sadness, and I had to try hard to claw my way out of the fog.

Saturday, John and I had a discipleship meeting with our Pastor, and we talked about how manic/depressive the Psalms can be. One moment David is lamenting that God has forsaken him, and the next he is eloquently praising His majesty. I think that is why I love David and the Psalms so much, because that is what life is like. Sometimes the rain falls, and the tears come. Sometimes the sun shines, and we are smiling.

But I digress, back to my main point. How do we turn sorrow into joy? What should be our response to suffering? How do I push past the sadness that is enveloping me? Here’s what I do:

1. Pray – I feel like I have spent the entire weekend on my knees. The sorrow and the suffering drive me to my knees. When I see pain and suffering in others, I snap into a mode of intercession. I pray because while I cannot heal the pain I see, I know the One who can.

2. Act – I cannot stand that feeling of helplessness. I feel such a strong need to HELP. I can’t make Luke’s spinal tap come back clean. I can’t give Gary more energy to fight this battle with cancer. I can’t take away the loss Grace is feeling right now. But I can reach out. I can offer to cook a meal, watch a child, or run an errand.

3. Learn – All around me I see such WONDERFUL examples of strong and pure faith, and I am not about to let them pass me by without gleaning something from them. I am going to aspire to the faith I see in those around me. All these people around me facing such HARD things and saying over and over again, God be glorified in me, I want to be like that!

This weekend I had the privilege of observing something so inspiring, the death of one of God’s dear saints. Our friend Grace sat at the bedside of her beloved father for days, praying, singing and reading scripture to him, and she blogged about it giving me a glimpse into something miraculous. What a blessed way to pass on to glory! I can truly think of no better way to die then after I have lived a full life serving my savior, and then to pass on with my beloved child sitting by my side keeping me company until finally God takes me home. I cried much of the weekend for the pain I saw Grace suffering as she let go, but instead of allowing myself to wallow in that pain, I chose to wipe away the tears and be inspired by the long God-honoring life led by her father, by the love of a daughter for her father, by the grace of our God who woke that daughter up at just the right moment to witness her father’s last breaths.

So I guess the conclusion is this: there is sadness and there is joy in this blessed thing called life. How can we embrace one without accepting the other? Sorrow is not much fun, but it serves a purpose too. I’m choosing to let my sorrow drive me to my knees, to use my sorrow as a reason to reach out and act, and in my sorrow to glean inspiration from faith worth following lived out right in front of my eyes.

May God bless all those I love who are suffering. Rest assured that I am feeling your pain today.