A perfect moment....

[DISCLAIMER: this blog will be LENGTHY.... I'm not sure it will end with a "lesson"... but I need to document it for my most important readers: John Joseph, Noah James, Jeremiah David, Elijah Daniel, and Hannah Elyzabeth. It is for them that I write. So that if at some point, I'm not here to share my heart with them (hopefully when they are OLD and GRAY.... hopefully some time after my 100th birthday.... for that is how long I plan to live) my words will live on to minister to them.]

It had been a ROUGH 24 hours.... I will start at the beginning, because I guess that's the only place to start...

Friday morning dawned a bit daunting, but nothing I haven't conquered before. Novenah arrived bringing her sickness and tearing my heart in two. I LOATHE seeing babies sick! Ugh! Their poor, tortured, sweaty-skinned,  ragged-breath selves just KILL me. We had a tough but not overly out-of-control morning. After finishing our morning lessons and getting Novenah down for a second nap, I sent the kids upstairs to get some lunch while I quick threw in a load of laundry and made some work calls in peace and quiet. Halfway through switching the wash to the dryer, I heard screams and a couple of body slams from upstairs.

Rushing up the stairs, I found mayhem and lost my patience! One boy was clutching "the family jewels" and another was red-faced from being choked. Both were FLAT on the ground. I lost it! "REALLY??? I can't ask you to do ONE self-directed task without it dissolving into WWF Smack Down?"  I was LIVID from being forced to stay upstairs and chaperon lunch preparations. I angrily did the dishes scolding the children every other minute, "Quiet!" "Get on task!" "Finish your lunch!" I needed to finish my work calls before the baby woke back up.

Finally the children finished their lunch, and we returned to the basement as a group. I resumed my laundry job and casually asked Noah a question I would later regret, "Hey, can you check if my Fedex shipment arrived yet?" After doing my bidding, he returned with news that the package had not arrived but the mail had. As I was just finishing filling the washer with a new load I heard him say, "Mom, you got a letter."

I opened the letter (actually a brief note) from afar and quickly wished I had never read it. I suppose it was meant to be informative, maybe even helpful. However, the closing line of the letter will likely tell you why it wasn't very fun to read. "Don't continue to gain a lot of weight as it is not healthy for you."  Now I don't know if many of you have ever been in the place that I find myself. Over the past few STRESSFUL years I have put on more pounds then I care to admit here publicly. I have a scale. I know exactly how much I have gained. And in spite of my crazy busy life taking care of MANY people, jobs, and tasks, I occasionally DO find time to glance in the mirror and trust me I do NOT like what I see. I also have enough of a fitness/nutrition background to know EXACTLY how unhealthy this is for me. However, all of that being said, whether it is smart or not, I am currently choosing to put caring for the MANY I love... homeschooling my babies, offering my niece child care, nursing my husband through this time of sickness, giving my aunt a place to live that is not a nursing home.... over some things I would LOVE to do: sleep, workout, eat healthier. However, in spite of KNOWING how I've gotten here and that it is of my own choosing and a result of my own actions, I live each day in fear that someone will tell me what THEY see adding a whole new level to the disgust I feel about myself. So here it was looking me RIGHT in the face: you are gaining a TON of weight Jami and people would have to be BLIND not to notice. I dissolved into tears, most of the rest of the day basically lost in a fog of depression and pain.

That wasn't the end of the icky... this morning was the first day of Youth Cheer. I was still (in spite of my icky Friday) SO excited for cheer. Yet somehow, I overslept. Then after rushing about to still get there in time, I arrived at the school and in my haste, closed Hannah's hand in the minivan door. By this point, I dissolved. I was BAWLING and a WRECK.

Hannah is fine. Her hand has a small bruise, but the injury doesn't even warrant an x-ray. I was MUCH worse off than she. I was left feeling hungover from expelling WAY too many tears over the last day. Hannah and I had a GREAT time at her first cheer practice. Those little darlings, so cute it's almost a sugar overload, could improve just about ANY day. But still I was feeling the effect of too much crying. On the way home from practice, God whispered what would be the BEST idea ever into my ear... I came home and told John, "What if we blow off chores, get some subs, and have a picnic?" I told him I had felt God telling me to pull the ones I love the most close to me and find comfort in their presence... and OHHHHH did I ever!  Did I EVER!

The weather of today PERFECTLY mirrored what happened to me.... I awoke to a DREARY day. Gray sky.  Wet streets. COLD, damp breeze. I shivered all the way to practice. While, inside the gym practicing with my adorable girls, the weather broke. The sun came out. A BEAUTIFUL, crisp, sunny, fall day was born.

And while surrounded by my babies and the man I'll love till death parts us, hope was born inside of me.  The fog of my tears cleared. The pain in my heart was soothed.

We grabbed some subs and actually ended up having a car picnic in the parking lot of the library. We spent some time checking out books and then headed home. Then followed the most PRECIOUS moment yet... sprawled in various poses of relaxation, hands hugging warm cups filled with yummy beverages, with K-love playing faintly in the background, unintentionally, not even REALIZING where I had ended up (my FAVORITE place ever) we all just read some good books.... no communication needed.... It was SUCH a perfect moment! My favorite people in the room, my favorite beverage in my hand, and my favorite activity going on.

Next time you are caught in the middle of a foggy, gray situation REMEMBER the clouds and drizzle and cold wind will only make the beauty that comes after that MUCH brighter.

Thankful Thursday....

It is Thursday, and I am THANKFUL!

Noah James Kastner 6 years old

I'm thankful for Noah James Kastner. This amazing boy of mine is growing into such a GREAT young man! In some ways I am sad that at the ripe young age of 9 years old he had to start acting like a man, helping with Daddy's meds, worrying about his Daddy's health, doing SO much work around the house. However, those very sad things have developed character in this young man that I wouldn't change for the WORLD!  Noah is wise beyond his years and more mature than many grown men I know. He loves SACRIFICIALLY, he thinks LOGISTICALLY, and he learns SPECTACULARLY. I am so unbelievably thankful for my firstborn.

Jeremiah David Kastner 5 years old

I'm thankful for Jeremiah David Kastner. He is SOOOOOOOOOOO godly-minded! Whenever I am stressed, whenever someone is sick or in pain, whenever he hears about a tragedy in the news, this boy turns IMMEDIATELY to prayer. He constantly comes up with thoughts and ideas of how things relate back to God or godly concepts. I have LONG believed that Jeremiah would end up preaching the Word of God someday, but for the FIRST time, yesterday, we were talking about "when I grow up" things, and he said, "Mom, do I go to college to be a Pastor?" WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That's MY boy!

Elijah Daniel Kastner 3 years old

I'm thankful for Elijah Daniel Kastner. He is smart and funny and just devious enough to keep it REAL. He is ALWAYS thinking, thinking, thinking. I love the way I can literally SEE his brain working through his gorgeous little eyes. He is ALSO a snuggler. In fact, many have commented that Elijah has a poor sense of personal space, but as the mom or growing boys who soon will hardly want me to give them a peck on the cheek "in front of my friends" I love that this boy is a SNUGGLER and I'm lapping up as much of that loving as I can before he gets too grown for it.

Hannah Elyzabeth Kastner 1 year old

I'm thankful for Hannah Elyzabeth Kastner. She is princess PERFECTION! I love the way she is SO into clothes and makeup and purses, but she is the ONLY child of mine who is not really afraid of ANYTHING! She will go downstairs in the dark, kill a bug, tackle a bully. But what I love the MOST about this little girl is what a servant she is! She LOVES to take care of people. She helps me give Auntie Marge her shower, helps me change Novenah, helps Daddy with his meds. That girls is just DRAWN to those who are in need, who are hungry, who are hurting... and she HELPS them.

Last but CERTAINLY not least:

I'm thankful for John Joseph Kastner. He is my rock. When I am all floopy and frantic over some injury, symptom or oddity in our children, he remains steady and calm. When I am losing my mind in the midst of STRESS, he centers me and reminds me how amazing he thinks I am. He gets up EVERY morning and goes to work in more pain than most of us could even IMAGINE. He tries his BEST to be kind and patient even when his head is pounding and his neck is spasming. He is the BEST father I have ever seen: rolling around on the floor with the kids, unabashedly having "the talk" with our boys, being these boys "best friend" yet still their authority figure, and teaching them how to repent when he has messed up.  I LOVE this man and am SO glad that God chose him to complete me.

What are YOU thankful for today? If you don't have your own blog, feel free to post your Thankful Thursday as a comment to mine. If you don't want to post your thankfulness publicly, just make sure to be THANKFUL and maybe to tell those you are thankful for why you are....

Thankful Thursday....

Yesterday as I was running the marathon of midweek services carpool (I so did NOT miss my calling as a soccer mom), Jeremiah was ruminating on his favorite holiday.

He said, "Mom, wanna know what my favorite holiday is?"
I said, "Sure Jeremiah."
He replied, "It's a tie between Christmas - cuz that's when Jesus was born, and Easter - because that's when he rose from the dead."

[THAT child! Oh heavenly day! he grabs my gut almost every time he opens his mouth!]

I told him those were great choices, and then revealed my favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving, because I love being thankful. A short while later (alone in the van for a few brief moments) "Thankful Thursdays" popped into my head.  What a GREAT idea! Why wait to be thankful only one day a year???  So a new tradition is born. To start us out, I am posting

Top Ten Things I am Thankful for this Thursday


1. Jesus... my Jesus... He will always be the #1 thing I am thankful for. He makes ALL of the rest of these thankful things possible. He carries me when I'm weak. He holds me when I'm sad. He cheers me when I'm weary. What else can I say? I am thankful for Jesus!

2. John Joseph Kastner... What an amazing man! Really!  He IS! Hardworking, dedicated, fierce... the yin to my yang... I am thankful for John Joseph Kastner!

3. my babies... oh my babies! these children push me to my limits... they test me, try me and purify my faith.... they inspire me, encourage me and LOVE me... my children are definitely my treasure. I am thankful for my children!

4. asphalt... I am thankful for this wonderful thing called asphalt... yesterday our driveway was graded and then a nifty steamroller came and packed it down (the kids are LOVING having Bob the Builder in our front yard I tell you!) and within the next few days... ASPHALT will be poured, rolled, shoveled (I don't know or really care how they get it on there all I know is they will GET IT ON THERE!) onto our driveway. I am thankful for asphalt!

keep rollin, rollin, ROLLIN!

5. Demand Media.... in spite of the drama and the DRASTIC slow down in title availability, it is an AMAZING opportunity which has jump started my freelance writing career and for that I am grateful. I am thankful for Demand Media!


6. my new duster... this one may seem silly to you, but my allergies have been AWFUL lately. I am pretty sure it is because I haven't dusted since... ummmm idk Spring???  so last night at Walmart I bought the most AMAZING duster! under $3... it has a REMOVABLE, WASHABLE microstatic dust cover thingy... So I don't have to buy pricey refills!!!  I'm pretty sure its my favorite purchase this fall! As an added side-benefit, it has me feeling quite eco-friendly... It is EASY being green today! I am thankful for my new duster!

Look at all that DUST already!

7. cool bulletin board... One man's trash SURELY is another man's treasure! My mom did some de-cluttering and look what I got! I just love the organizational spirit behind a bulletin board! Isn't it awesome? This pic is from when we first hung it... it's MUCH fuller now... Every time I walk by it, I smile a little bit. I am thankful for my cool bulletin board.

8. my mom is HOME from Rwanda... My mom spent nearly two weeks in Rwanda ministering to the orphans and widows who are suffering from war and genocide. It was life changing and AWESOME for her and I'm glad she went, but I'm thankful my mom is HOME from Rwanda!

9. coffee... what kind of a thankful list would this be without coffee??? I have a brand new favorite mug (another one of my Momma's castoffs) and some coffee all the way from Rwanda... although truthfully haven't been able to use the coffee yet... have to get my hands on a coffee grinder (Walmart didn't have any... grrrr!) Still... I am thankful for coffee!

10. homeschooling... I am so grateful that I get to homeschool my babies. It is the BEST, most challenging thing I have ever done, and I wouldn't trade it for the world! Not gonna lie, every once in awhile I log onto the Mayville School District's website to see when "real school" starts and ends... (just dreaming y'all!) but in spite of the struggles I am SO glad I homeschool! (If you're interested, hop on over to my homeschooling blog to learn more.) I am thankful for homeschooling!


Thus ends our very first Thankful Thursday. I'd love it if you'd play along. You don't have to list 10 things, but maybe you could take a second to quickly post a comment? just ONE thing you are thankful for today... c'mon! I'm sure you can come up with ONE!










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Quick comment tutorial for the comment-impaired:

1. See that gray box down there? it is underneath my pink signature... a little further... underneath that row of pictures entitled "You might also like"... In that box it says "0 comments"... click on THAT!

2. In the box under "Leave your comment" type just ONE thing you are thankful for

3. Choose an identity... (anonymous is a PERFECTLY valid choice!)

4. Click on "Publish your comment"

5. Do not be alarmed that your comment doesn't show up right away... I have it set up so all comments require approval.

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The God inside "a Jami"....

I had a Jami on Friday. Oh boy! Did I have a Jami!  Let me set the scene... and remember I haven't slept in FOREVER!

The Friday prior, I had a service man out to work on our washer.  If you have been a long time reader of this blog you will recall that this washer is NOT old.  Just eleven months old to be exact.  This is the THIRD time we've had to have it serviced (can you say THANK YOU LORD for a warranty?!?!?!?) and the man reported we would need ANOTHER new transmission (what is UP with this lemon???) So anyway after a week with no washer, in spite  of a trip to the laundromat, WOW! were we READY to see the washer repair guy return to install the parts which had FINALLY arrived.

So I went downstairs to get my morning work started, and Jeremiah came running downstairs, "Kiah ran away!" I rushed upstairs to assess the situation.  As I did, Noah called to say he was chasing Kiah through the cul de sac  behind our house. I got in the van to drive the leash to him.  I found them, but by the time I did they were in the field BEHIND the cul de sac with some random man I'd never met (a neighbor who came out to help Noah).  I traipsed through snow drifts in FLIP FLOPS to get the leash to Noah and watch as Kiah took off across Madison Road into the cornfield across the street.  I traipsed back THROUGH the snow bank in my flip flops and got in the van to depart the cul de sac, pass our house and get on Madison Road.

As I passed my house I saw the washer repair guy in the driveway.  I stopped to tell him I would be right back, and he informed me he could not enter the house until I got back... ERGH!  I got to Noah and random nice stranger (I'm starting to wonder if he was really an angel) and found Kiah was just PLAYING with us!  Zipping around the field... Coming close then going far away... Finally, random stranger tackled her and Noah was able to get the leash on her.  We traveled home and let the washer repair guy in, and I was EXHAUSTED and thinking what a Jami!  Little did I know....

We did school while the washer guy fixed our machine.  We did a happy dance because we could wash clothes again.  Meanwhile I received a phone call for work which was IRRITATING to say the least!  All I have to say about that is, "Do you want a job or not people???  Don't treat me like a bill collector!  I'm trying to HELP you get this job!"  Okay I'm done with my rant.

So I finished up that tangled situation and Noah came into my office, "Mom," he said very quietly and depressed, "I think I lost my cell phone when we were chasing Kiah." OHMIGOSH!  Actually this did not come as a big surprise to me, because I had tried to call him at one point during the fiasco, and he didn't answer.  But too much was happening then for me to process what that meant.

We hoped back in the car and traveled over to the first field Kiah frolicked in because I was pretty sure he had called me from that field and then not answered after that.  Noah said we should pray, and we did. The wind was whipping like CRAZY!  There was a high wind advisory that day. And I kept calling Noah's phone and praying he would hear it.  I also prayed that God would lead him to that phone. Noah tracked the sound of the phone zig zagging across the field.  I could tell he had the "scent" of it.  Finally he threw his hand up in the air in VICTORY! He found it!  It wasn't in a puddle.  It wasn't gnawed up by an animal. It wasn't lost forever.  He found the proverbial needle in the haystack (which shall from now on be called the cell phone in the corn field)!  Imagine our surprise therefore when he opened it up to find the ringer was disabled.  What in the WORLD had he heard then???  All of a sudden the MIRACLE of finding the phone in that HUGE field became breathtaking as we realized he could NOT have been hearing the real ringer.  God must have been leading him... whispering to him via the sound of a cell phone ringer because that phone's ringer was OFF!

Here I am finally at the inspiration part of my blog today:

God is ALWAYS inside "a Jami."  He is there!  I don't believe He causes the bad things to happen, but I believe He is right THERE making a way for good to come of it.  I believe that He laid His hand of protection over that tiny little cell phone for HOURS until we realized that it was gone.  Then He led us to the right field (through the whispering to my heart about the unanswered call) and STRAIGHT to the phone (through my son's ear which is finely tuned to sounds AND to God's voice). Not because that cell phone was SO important.  But because He wanted to teach us a lesson.... And likely because He KNEW that I would BLAB that lesson to all of you too.

God is THERE in the midst of our catastrophe!  He is THERE!  He doesn't want the chaos and craziness to be happening to us but we live in this evil, sinful world and there is NO way to avoid ALL of the yuck of the world we live in. But do NOT be deceived!  He is RIGHT there! Waiting and working and planning so that SOMEHOW even your worst tragedy turns out for your victory.

Hang on my dear friend!  Wait for it!  Wait for it!  There it IS!  The God inside "a Jami"!

Kiah Grace

We have a dog!!!!

Her name is Kiah Grace.

Her verse is:
Revelation 22:21
The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people.  Amen.








She is SWEET and KIND and AMAZING with the crazy Kastner children.  This is the story of how she came to be with us.

We have ALWAYS wanted a dog.  We are MUCH more dog people than cat people.  However, fate (and a country home that needed a GOOD mouser...) brought us a cat first.  In a story quite akin to If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, we got the first Mercy.  However, we soon saw she had simply been looking for a loving place to die.  After reading the tearful account of Mercy's final days, our generous landlord offered us the new Mercie, who promptly taught us that even kittens of a VERY young age can get preggos.  Along came Job, (full name:  Absalom Job), who until today I did not realize had not been given a proper verse or introduction to my blogging community so:


Absalom Job

Job 1:1
In the land of Uz there lived a man (or a cat) whose name was Job.  This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil.








As most of my Facebook friends know, Mercie ran away about two months ago.  We have pretty much given up hope of her return, but still look for her now and again.  There have been a couple of possible Mercie sightings, but they are as of yet still unconfirmed.  They do make us feel a little better though that possibly she isn't road kill as we have feared for the past eight weeks.

Job has been doing a great job of taking over his mother's responsibilities.  Taking down at least one mouse per week and policing things as he should.  Yet still something was missing.

A short while ago we found a dog available through Freecycle.  We got approval from our landlord to have a dog; however, she was a BUST!  When we went to meet her she bit John and then me.  Nopes... no biters around these children!  We kept on looking and hoping that the right dog would find us some how.

On Tuesday night we had our new neighbors over for dinner.  That night I chronicled our search for a dog to them, and I closed with, "I believe with all of my heart, it will happen when it is meant to be."

The next morning I awoke bleary eyed and started scrolling through the latest e-mail digest from Freecycle.  My eyes came wide open upon finding, Offer:  4 year old Lab/Hound Mix.  What!?!?!?  I forwarded the description to John and upon receiving the thumbs up, I e-mailed the poster.  We set up a meeting for that day.  I nearly instantly got the feeling that the current owners of Kiah were believers.  Upon meeting Kim, I quickly confirmed my suspicions when she told me the reason they were getting rid of Kiah.  Their adult son was leaving soon for Bible college and the mission field.  Without his help with lawn care and snow removal, they would not be able to stay in a house.  They were moving to a condo.

It feels just like Kiah was handpicked by God for this family!  Her former owners are Christians who homeschooled their children.  She is well-trained and gentle as can be.  She is SOOOOOOOO patient and good with children.  She is an AMAZING dog, and she is just one more proof that "His ways are ALWAYS higher than our ways."

Soooooo because we needed a little more insanity in this household, we are now in the process of "dog-training" our children.  It is HARD and not without tears.  (The first night Hannah opened the back door WIDE and Kiah dashed out it!  Noah sobbed while I scoured the neighborhood for her.  Then due to the tenacity of my oldest, very sensitive boy, she returned to figure out who that dog baying from our porch was... Noah making his dog sound.)  But we are plodding on in the training:  Hannah NO hugging Kiah only petting. Elijah STAY away from Kiah when she goes to her Kennel, that means she wants some alone time.  (Momma wishes she had a kennel too!)  No you may NOT feed Kiah cookies!

As in all things Kastner, there is a firm and solid lesson from God... This one is found clearly in every single e-mail I send.  It's our life verse, and our God proved it to us once again this week:

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

He had plans to bring us a dog at the right time, and His plans turned out to be an AMAZING dog who was JUST right for this family.  I'm so glad that's how our God is.  Always KNOWING the plans He has for us.  Always prospering us and not harming us.  Always giving us hope and a future.  

So now as Noah said when we were on the way home with Kiah the first night:  "Now we have EVERYTHING a family needs to live in the county:  a cat, a dog and family to love."

God bless and have a great day!

One year ago...

Stitches

September 8, 2009... Some things are so fuzzy.  Some things are so clear.  I clearly remember sitting in a little vending machine alcove with Amber trying to keep our minds off what was going on in the operating room.  I hardly remember handing the kids off to my sister.  I remember Shane prayed with us before the pre-op nurse wheeled John away, but I don't remember much of what we said or did other than that..  I remember John left so quickly I didn't feel I had enough time with him and what if....  (Well you KNOW)...  What if that was the last time I saw him?  I remember how puffy he looked the first time I saw him after surgery, and I remember I cried tears of joy that he had made it through mingled with tears of sadness for how miserable he was.  I can't remember how long he was in that first ICU, but I remember the other family in the waiting room there.  I remember that their loved one wasn't expected to recover fully.  I remember eating TONS AND TONS of Noodles & Company.  I remember Amanda and Amber helping me watch the clock so we could tell John exactly how many minutes till he could press his morphine button.  I remember there was a hot male nurse Amber was sweating, but I couldn't pick him out of a line up.   And I remember the grumpy AWFUL nurse who preceded him.  I remember I hardly slept at all that week...  A few stolen winks on a family room couch... A few restless moments on an air mattress at my sister's.  I remember the AWFUL 2nd ICU, and its horrid brightness.  I remember the luxurious room we got once John got out of ICU.  I remember that it seemed we were at the hospital for years, but in reality we only spent 4 days there!  For BRAIN SURGERY! 

Daddy is my BFF

I remember tons of great nurses, doctors, therapists (most of the icky ones have faded away into fuzziness).  I remember my family and friends taking over care of the children, especially Cori caring for them EVERY spare unaccounted for minute.  I remember thinking over and over and OVER again, "The stress of all this should be killing me.  Why isn't it killing me?" I know now why...  because I was surrounded by a vast cloud of prayer.  I remember friends, family, even complete strangers blessing us with gifts, prayer, meals, food, advice, financial support.  I remember the sweetest of sweet (a little girl asking her daddy to send us 7 cents from her piggy bank), the crazy LAVISH (3 diff people gave us LARGE amounts - enough to pay the rent!), the very sacrificial (a friend whose family had struggled with unemployment for over a year slipped a folded up bill into my hand at church)....

Watchin TV in the hospital

But here it is ladies and gentlemen, what I remember the most:  He was right there with us through the whole thing.  He didn't drop the ball.  He didn't wring His hands.  He gathered us in His arms.  He buoyed us up with His people.  He healed my husband with a skillful surgeon from his tool box.  He carried us, He loved us, He provided for us, He stayed by us!

On our way home...

I don't know what you're facing today... I have friends facing foreclosure... I have a friend who just inherited FIVE children he is trying to keep together as a family.... I have friends struggling with a mysterious illness... Another struggling with the pain of divorce brought on by unfaithfulness... ALL of these needs and MORE are on my heart this morning.... A year and a half ago my heart would have felt such DEEP sadness for these situations.  Today, I feel a little sadness, but mostly I feel awe, wonder and expectation!  I know that I know that I KNOW that our God WILL come through for all of you in miraculous ways!  Just ask Him and then look for the answers.  

Last year, He pulled us through things I thought I could never make it through (a mini-stroke, being out of work for TWO MONTHS with no pay).  We hit rock bottom, time and time and TIME again last year, and we learned to cherish each and every day as a blessing from God.  I believe with all of me that He will pull you through too.  If you have a little time and want a little encouragement go back and read (or re-read) my blogs from last year:  August, September, October.... we were in the belly of the beast, and here we stand today having made it through by the grace of God.  He will get you through too!  So hang on and let Him carry you.

I will be there

Last night I took a midnight drive into Franklin to retrieve a little lost duckling.  Did I want to get out of bed when I had JUST fallen asleep?  No.  Do I even like driving?  No.  I did those things, because I love my little duckling.  Alas, every choice we make in parenting is actually part of a bigger lesson for our children.  For example:

Last night the lesson I taught Noah was:  I will be there.  I will be there when he is 10-years old and homesick at Oma and Poppa's, and I will be there if he is a teenager at a party he has no business being at, and he needs a ride home.  I will be there.

I wasn't just born with these supermom tendencies.  I didn't come out of the womb bearing the ability to rouse myself from a sound sleep and drive an hour ONE way to pick up my homesick baby.  These were superhero abilities I learned from my supermom.  Repeatedly, she rescued me when I was homesick at Kelly Rooney's or took me out shopping after I was cut from 7th grade cheerleading.  She flexed her supermom muscles last fall when my husband was out of work from having brain surgery, and we couldn't pay the rent.  I learned from my mom: I will be there.

This of course gets me to thinking about God, and how He will be there.  He will be there when things are great.  He will be there when things are not so great.  Tonight Jeremiah is going to be baptized.  It is a wonderful, happy occasion, and He will be there.  One year ago this week, we were facing the fear and uncertainty of the removal of a piece of John's skull followed by two months of unpaid time off work, and you know what we learned?  He will be there.  

...I will never leave you nor forsake you. (Joshua 1:5)

Last night I taught Noah a valuable lesson about his Momma:  I will be there, just like my Momma taught me.  But I (and my Momma too) taught a deeper lesson:  He will be there.  For:

Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts (or go and rescue...my words) to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts (or go and rescue...my words) to those who ask Him! (Matthew 7:9-11)

As exhausting and inconvenient as that trip was last night, it wasn't without its blessings.  As I drove down highway 45, the song Dancing with Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman came on the radio.  Initially, I started envisioning my husband dancing with his daughters on their wedding days, but then a lyric hit me from outta the blue and changed my focus.  Before too long, the clock will strike midnight, and she'll (it hit me as: he'll) be gone.  All of a sudden I realized, Noah won't need me like this too much longer.  In just a few years, he will be a teenager and even if he does miss me this much in the middle of the night, he will NEVER admit that by calling me and asking me to come get him. I immediately thanked God for this chance to enjoy him still being a kid... and still needing his Momma.

I'm a little groggy today, and I have a BIG day ahead of me.  But I am very glad that I taught Noah:  I will be there last night.  I am glad I had some time to reflect upon how my Mom continually taught me (and to this day continues to teach me):  I will be there.  And that these thoughts turned my heart to remembering that He will be there ALWAYS.  Truth be told, I am also glad I had that one precious hour driving home with my son, listening to all the fun things he had done in the past two days away from me.  But the BEST part I think, was when I got to Oma and Poppa's, and he walked out the front door and looked at me and said, "Mom!  I am SO glad to see you!"  

I'm not dead!!!!

That title is both an update and part of the lesson of this blog. I am not dead. I know I've had a long blog silence. All I can say is when you take a family of seven on vaca (even for two days) it takes a lot out of you!

Last week was Haugh Holiday. It is the day my mother and father met. When we were children, we celebrated that day by getting measured up against the closet door to see how much we had grown the past year and with a present of course (Kathi Haugh is ALL about presents ya know). Last year, we turned Haugh Holiday into a family reunion of sorts. All my parents children and grandchildren step away from the hustle and bustle of life for a little fun and a TON of bonding. This year took us to the Chula Vista resort in Wisconsin Dells and brought a lesson learned as well.

After packing up all six of us to go to the Dells and helping Auntie Marge get ready to spend a few days in Franklin, we were off to Oma and Poppa's. We measured all the grandbabies against the door and then headed out to the Machine Shed for breakfast. It was all fun and games until I blew out the pocket of my jeans. Seriously, I sat down and a tiny two inch worn spot (which was cute and trendy) turned into a foot long rip which revealed my unmentionables! A well placed jacket around the waist saved my dignity, the ripped jeans were chalked up to a GREAT story to add to the folk lore of Haugh Holiday, and on we went.

Well I don't know if it was bad luck or poor planning... (No one really thought to check all of the Spring Breaks around that state of Wisconsin.) Holy mother of pearl! That place was crowded! I have been to MANY waterparks in my lifetime, and I have NEVER seen one that was as crowded as the Chula Vista was last weekend! But the big punch it packed wasn't felt by the Kastners until much later. As we were driving home from the Dells, the itching began. Noah's legs, Jeremiah's stomach, Hannah's cutie bootie, and Elijah's whole body were assaulted with itching, the likes of which man has never seen before. We were all tired and itchy and ready to be home. As we got on I90, a teaching moment hit me from outta nowhere. I told the kids, "We are all tired, and we are all itchy from the chlorine. However, in every thing in life there is good and there is bad. We can choose to look at the good things or the bad things. That's our choice. So let's play a game!" We spent the next few miles going around the minivan taking turns listing three good things about Haugh Holiday. Time with Daddy. Time with my children. Jeremiah went on the scary ride with me. I got to spend time with my cousins. I saw The Squeakwel. We got to eat some GOOD food. I got to sleep in Riri's room. Before too long, the irritation of our itching had faded into the background and eyelids were beginning to droop. A much needed naptime commenced, and as I drove us home, I uttered a quick prayed that my children would learn the MARVELOUS lesson placed before them well. There is GOOD and BAD in EVERY situation. Focus on the good, and the bad starts to fade away.

Back to I'm not dead..... I returned from Haugh Holiday to find an avalanche of work awaiting me. It has been non-stop, long hours, many reports completed all week. We're back in one of those chaotic, "Mommy has to work a ton" times where granola bars and chips become the staple of our diet and to do items are piling up higher than dirty towels at the Chula Vista. But guess what???? The lesson of Haugh Holiday was not lost on ME! I am focusing on the positive: lots of hours = big paycheck! I have a job.....many people don't right now. The weather is BEAUTIFUL and is keeping my children busy while I work, work, work. And just like the title says, "I'm not dead!!!!!"

So come on, join the Kastner Kids. Play the game! What three things are you grateful for today? List them here! I'd love to hear them. And if you play my game, I PROMISE your situation will look a little better than it did 5 minutes ago.

God bless! And have a GREAT day!

My friend Shannon....

This morning as I drove into Franklin, it was very easy to sing God's praises. On the heels of an AMAZING blessing, it is EASY to be grateful, positive, chipper. Then all of a sudden the face of my dear friend Shannon popped into my head, and I felt a bit of conviction twinge in my heart. See Shannon, my dear Shannon, she can call me excited about her brand new job shoveling elephant poop at the zoo. Shannon can be positive about anything. She can make lemonade out of her house burning down or her arm falling off. She is the QUINTESSENTIAL cheerleader... completely adept at cheering VORACIOUSLY for her team all the way through the fourth quarter when they are down 127 - 0. She can do it! Her positive little face made me wince.

Sure it's easy to be that positive when something good just happened to me, but am I that positive when the bad stuff happens? Typically I can do a pretty good job of keeping my chin up during hard stuff, but I want more. I want my HEART to wear a Shannon smile. I want my HEART to rejoice in having a job shoveling elephant poop!

Life is going to give you lemon drops and lemons... The challenge my dear friends is to face BOTH with joy in your heart and praise on your lips. Yesterday, as we were taking a walk, AFTER we had been JUST given a HUGE blessing, God bestowed another small one on us. As we passed a house in our cul de sac, the owner pointed to a bike in his front yard and said, "We're getting rid of that bike. If you know anyone who wants it....." We now have a bike for both of the adults in our family! Noah looked at me and said, "Mom, God sure loves us hey?" I replied, "Yeah, He sure does, Noah. BUT He loves us just as much when we're suffering."

He is not any less good when bad things happen to us. He doesn't love us any less when the rain is falling. So I for one am purposing in my heart to pull out my cheerleader smile ALL the time and to work HARD to get that smile to reach all the way to my heart during the worst of the storms.

Gleaning from our suffering....

I believe the reasons for this thing called suffering are many faceted. I've blogged about it before. Suffering can be a natural consequence of a choice made. Suffering can be our faith being tested and purified. Suffering can be for the blessing and encouragement of others. Today I think maybe suffering can be for the sake of my children.... so that something beautiful can be birthed in them.

Back at Christmas, when Christmas Angels blessed us with a MULTITUDE of gifts, our children became inspired to do the same for another family next year. They've been saving their allowance ever since. Today I saw in my children another beautiful thing birthed out of our suffering.

This afternoon, Elijah brought the mail in, and the second I saw the return address, I knew what was inside. As I pulled out the note card and opened it up, tears started to build in the back of my throat. A check was taped closed inside, but I bypassed it savoring the encouraging words I found. I started reading the note, "Kastner family, The Lord has laid your family on our hearts..." Then at the end a P.S. that let me know someone is reading these words I blog, "I hope from this your little ones can enjoy their favorite meals." Without opening the check yet, I lifted it to read the words written beneath, "Thanks so much for sharing on your blogs....." Finally I opened the check. My breath caught at the sight of the amount! This check wouldn't just help our little ones enjoy their favorite meals.... it would help us get our new washer too!!!! The tears spring quickly from my eyes, and I hiccuped a quick cry.

Hannah said, "Guys! Mom's crying." As I closed the card, I said, "It's good tears, Hannah. It's good tears." Noah, wise beyond his years and "first in class" in this course entitled, "The suffering of the Kastner family," quickly said, "Someone blessed us with a check didn't they?" I nodded, words eluding me.... the discernment of my baby... the BLESSING from God.... the conviction of how ONCE AGAIN my faith had wobbled a little... they were all overcoming me again. Noah came to me and grabbed my hands in the middle of the kitchen and just started praying,

"Dear Lord,

Thank you for blessing us! Thank you for the people who blessed us. We pray that you bless them. Bless them today. Bless them this month. Bless them this year. Keep on blessing and blessing and blessing them.

Amen."

I opened my eyes and gazed at this 10-year old man of God standing in front of me. If I never, ever have another penny the rest of my life.... If I have to rely upon the goodness of God's people, humbling myself and laying down my pride to accept the charity of my brothers and sisters in Christ all the days of my life... it will all be worthwhile. For my children IMMEDIATELY look to God when we are blessed. They immediately KNOW who blessed us. It wasn't Mr. & Mrs. ___________ from Podunk, OK who blessed us. It was GOD! So they immediately give Him praise. But they also know the second thing to do when someone blesses us, they ask God to bless them right back.

So thank you Mr. & Mrs. ______________ from Podunk, OK. Thank you for blessing us! The Kastner children WILL eat their favorite meals all weekend and into next week for sure! And the Kastners will finally have a wash machine again too. But more than that.... so much more valuable than that, your gift helped teach four little children (and their ever forgetful Momma) that God NEVER forgets them.... that there are angels walking among us.... and that it is VERY blessed to be generous.

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25:40

Zow! Is it getting hot in here???

As expected, my last blog turned up the heat a little. But as is typical with controversial issues, I fear some missed the point of the blog. The point wasn't really about butt writing or cussing or tattoos. It wasn't about submitting to my husband or whether I agreed with a sermon. The point was two-fold: we have to be in the world not of it AND no one else can tell us what that means for us. It is the Holy Spirit's job to reveal to people how God wants them to apply Scripture to their lives.

I heard from people on both sides of the butt-writing issue. However, I wasn't really asking people to tell me what they think about butt writing. Right now, it's a mute point in this home. Hannah is young enough that we don't even have to debate the issue yet. I was kinda just waxing on about the despicable state of morality these days and whining about the temptations my children will have to resist. The real point of my blog was: we can't decide these things for other families... for other people... As the writer I will take full responsibility for not communicating that fact clearly enough, and without belaboring the issue here, I will try one more time to clarify.

Have you noticed that the second people get a bug in their butt to drink more water, they're harassing everyone in their world about the need to pee clear urine? Or how about how some people who are convicted that Halloween is a Satanic holiday not to be celebrated by Christians, seem to act like anyone who trick-or-treats must be a Satan worshipper? And why do people assume that if God convicts them a certain way about the wearing of words on the butt, He will convict every other Christian the same exact way?

There are 17 different versions of Italian salad dressing in the grocery store aisle because there are zillions of different people with zillions of different taste buds. Variety is the spice of life! We are not all alike. Therefore, what you consider to be on your "naughty list" may not even register for the next person. The way you worship or the way you live is not necessarily the way God has convicted everyone else to live. With regards to baptism: some sprinkle; some immerse. Some denominations believe women should never cut their hair or wear pants. Some believe that we should raise our hands when we worship. Others believe in speaking in tongues. As long as we all love JESUS isn't that what's really important?

Over the summer we had a "swearing" incident. We ended up in a debate with a friend who did not think John and I were parenting the incident properly. We told the person, "We do NOT want our child to swear; however, we are not making a federal case out of this because we have bigger issues going on right now." We OBVIOUSLY did not want our child to let unwholesome talk come out of his mouth; however, at the point at which the incident occurred, there were MANY things threatening to destroy our family. John and I did not feel that it was the appropriate time to make an issue of the word our child said. We felt it was the time to delve deeper into some of the root issues causing the swearing: the increased tension in our home, the fear that our family was falling apart, the fear that the daddy of this family might not survive brain surgery. So we made a minor case out of the word which was said and tried to deal with the feelings behind that word. That was how God led us. It didn't mean we were saying swearing was okay. It meant God had impressed a different priority upon our hearts. Yet on we fought to defend our parenting when really and truly in the words of the great Aaron Cole, "That's between you and Jesus!"

So please don't mistake my prior blog. I guess it was more about letting people have the freedom to be individuals; about trusting people to get with their God and come to the conclusion He has for THEM; and about trying HARD not to be the kind of people who try to push their convictions about life, love and relationship with God upon other people.

Well, this heat's getting a little uncomfortable for me. I'm not one who likes confrontation or stirring up controversy. In fact, I try hard to avoid confrontation and conflict AT ALL COST. Yet, I believe FIRMLY in trying hard to keep my nose in my own business and trying to keep my eyes focused in the mirror and not out the window. I'm hoping I've inspired at least one person out there to do the same. Let this blog encourage you to look in YOUR mirror. If you are even a little bit like me, you will find PLENTY of things in your own self to work on without ever having to look out the window at someone else.

A beautiful morning....

Hmmmm…. What started out as a bit of a chaotic morning (John took about 4 “alarms” to get out of bed, Jeremiah awoke at 6 a.m. because the cat jumped on his pillow, Hannah awoke too early and she was C-R-A-B-B-Y, my back was SPASMING and shooting pain all the way down my left leg), had turned around quite nicely thank you (John and I read the Bible and prayed before he left for work, Jeremiah and Hannah crashed on the couch watching TMNT because they both woke too early, Elijah and Auntie Marge were still asleep, and Noah was playing PS2 so I was blissfully in silence).

I was walking down the stairs to my office carrying my third cup of “nectar from God” (that’s coffee for those of you who don’t speak Jamiese) and I thought, “What a beautiful morning! What a peaceful way to start the day! I wish every day started like this.” And all of a sudden conviction hit me so hard my coffee literally sloshed over the edge of my cup and splashed on my foot…. Is God any less great on the mornings that start out anything BUT beautiful? OUCH! As the coffee seeped into my slipper that thought seeped into my soul…

When I awaken John late, and we are racing about getting him out the door, when Hannah won’t be consoled by adolescent turtles throwing great roundhouse kicks, when the cat doesn’t just jump on someone to wake them up but pukes on their comforter and all over their p.j.s, when I stumble down the stairs with a burnt cup of “nectar from God” rushing to my puter an hour late to see what awaits me in my work inbox…. Isn’t He the same God who deserves all my praise and worship?

I know it’s tough to “Praise him in the storm.” Trust me! I know! My life has had its share of storms, and I have not always weathered them gracefully. More often than I care to admit the torrents of rain have tossed me to my knees wailing and screaming, “Why? God! Why?” But God doesn’t change. He isn’t any different. Whether you are standing at the altar pledging your heart till “death do us part” or hunched over a coffin saying goodbye until we meet again…. whether you are rolling in the dough or scraping together $2.63 to put just one gallon of gas in your car and praying you'll make it to your destination.... whether you are healthy and well or sick and infirm... HE IS STILL GOD! He is still on the throne. He is still in control. He is still worthy of your praise and worship.

Let that seep into your slipper today. Mull it over and drink it in. Wherever you are this morning: at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

People get ready....

[Just as an aside: Satan did NOT want me to post this blog this morning. The second it started forming in my brain: Hannah woke up early, the cat tried to attack our breakfast, got locked out of my office, the cat messed up my Internet settings by walking over my keyboard, the cat clawed me trying to get away from Hannah, Hannah stepped on the power cord switch shutting off my computer, Internet went down... PHEW! This must be a good one, and someone MUST need to hear it. So get ready!]

People get ready
Jesus is coming soon we'll be going home
People get ready
Jesus is coming to take from this world His own.

My children are so "other-worldly" minded it sometimes scares me. Whenever we see a triangle-shaped object, Noah will say, "Look mom! Father, Son, Holy Spirit!" When we see anything in the shape of a cross, they will shout, "A cross! Just like Jesus died on!" And when we see the sunlight streaming through a break in the dark, cloudy sky, they will say, "Hey mom, doesn't it look like Jesus is coming back?" That's what I want to say to all of you today. "Hey blog readers, doesn't it look like Jesus is coming back?"

Lord I'm ready now.
I'm waiting for your triumphant return. (You're coming so soon.)
This world has nothing for me,
I find my peace and joy solely in You. (Only in you.)

I awoke this morning and found the news of a second earthquake hitting the already devastated island of Haiti. Last night I read about an earthquake hitting the Cayman Islands. For the second time in just a week, I had this weird sense of, "This is the book of Revelation occurring in front of my eyes." Now please do not get me wrong, I am NOT a doomsdayer or rapture junkie. I did not lose my mind during Y2K, and I have no trepidation about 2012. However, I wonder does anyone else see an eerie resemblance to book of Revelation here? It's not just the abundance of earthquakes right now... it's the evil all around me that calls my mind to the final book of the Bible. Yet these earthquakes really get me thinking.... "He's coming soon!"

There's a day that comes
When we will be divided right and left.
(For those who know Him and those that do not know.)
And those who know Him well, will meet Him in the air.
Hallelujah! (God is within us.)
And those that do not know, they will hear, "Depart. I knew you not."
For my friends you see,
There will be a day when we'll be counted.
So know Him well, know Him well.


Are you ready? That's what I want this blog to lead you to today. Are you ready? Getting ready is SO simple. A child can do it. In fact, all of my children have done it. Really just a few things to do:

1. Realize that you are a sinner deserving of nothing but death. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) How far back in your personal history do you have to go to admit this is true? You are a sinner. Me, I don't have to go very far at all. Just a short little jaunt back to that above-mentioned list of roadblocks Satan put in my way this morning, and WOOPS! Halt right there! Jami sinned. She lost her temper and was NOT godly in meeting those challenges. I don't know exactly how far you have to go, but I do know this: you have sinned. At some point in your life whether you are fifteen or fifty years old, you have sinned. Just like the Bible says, ALL have sinned... I also know that the punishment for sin is death. For the wages of sin is death... (Romans 6:23a).

2. Next you have to see that Christ made a way for you. See God knew the punishment for sin was death, but when sin entered the world, He saw that He could not STAND the thought of eternity without His precious, beloved children. So He made a way for us. For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16) When Christ died on the cross, He died for your sins to pay the price required for sin so that you could be forgiven and so you could spend eternity in Heaven.

3. You have to ACCEPT the gift! It's yours already. It's sitting there on your shelf, in your dresser, in that corner of your closet. It's like the treadmill in your basement that can help you drop those unwanted pounds or the Ab Rocker you have that can give you a 6-pack. You possess this gift, but you have to take the next step with the gift and ACCEPT it. That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10:9)

People get ready,
Jesus is coming soon we'll be going home.
People get ready,
Jesus is coming to take from the world His own.

If your one of His already, rejoice along with me! Soon & very soon we are going to see the King! If you are not, STOP right this second. Don't waste one more breath. Get ready! He's coming whether you're ready or not. So why not just BE READY!

Love to all of you! Praying for your hurts and pain. Praying for the devastation in Haiti. But most of all PRAYING that these things get your attention and help you GET READY! Because He IS coming SOON!

Thankful Blog Part 3 - My Children

All I ever wanted to be was a Momma and a Wife. I went to college, had a career, but all along I was really hoping someone would marry me and make me a Momma. I laughed with WILD abandon at the movie 27 Dresses. While I didn't have quite 27 to my credit, I did have one summer where I was a bridesmaid in 3 weddings. WOWZER! It did for sure seem I would be "always a bridesmaid and never a bride." Then with lightening speed I met this man who fit my one and only, sole qualification: he loved Jesus. We married within 10 months and just 17 months after we married.... VOILA! I became a momma. It has been the most amazing, wonderful, excruciating, incredible experience I have EVER undertaken. It is everything I hoped of and everything I never realized it would be.

The one overarching thing I am most thankful for with regards to my children is how deeply, genuinely, and completely they love Jesus. It is amazing to me. Nine times out of ten, these children are the FIRST to say, "We should pray about that." They LOVE to go to Sunday school and AWANA. They just love Jesus. Jeremiah recently had this conversation with me,

"Mom I love you so much."
"I love you too baby."
"I love Jesus a lot too."
"I know you do baby."
"Is it okay if I love Jesus more than I love you."
"Absolutely Jeremiah. You should NEVER love anyone more than you love Jesus."
"Okay. Good."

Then from that point on he would frequently tell me and his siblings, "I love mom but I love Jesus more. You have to love Jesus more." Precious.

My time is quickly slipping away as we have to pack up our baked goodies and travel the hour into town for the Road Rally and Grand Feast, but I want to quickly mention a few more things for which I am thankful with regards to these children:

Noah James... my firstborn - I am grateful that this boy is so fiercely protective of his brothers, his baby sister, his momma, and actually any child or baby he meets. Our friends Brad & Amanda have a new baby and the few times she has been at our house, Noah follows her around making sure she doesn't get near the stairs, fall off a chair, or get into a toy which is not safe for her. This boy he is such a protector at heart. I am grateful for how completely he "gets" the things of God and desires to take in more and more knowledge about Him. I am grateful to this child for turning me into a mom.

Jeremiah David.... my sensitive one - This child sense when I am sad. He runs to comfort me if I cry. This summer was a tough one for this family and every time I dissolved into tears, I could count on his arms being quickly wrapped around my neck and his asking, "Mom can I pray for you?" That's the second thing: this child LOVES to pray for people. Everything that concerns him... every hurt he sees.... every need that occurs.... he takes to his God in prayer. I am thankful for how responsible and orderly Jeremiah is. If you ask Jeremiah to do something, if you give him a set of instructions to follow, you can count on the fact that every single i will be dotted and every single t will be crossed. I love that this boy has such a soft and moldable heart. If he is caught in a sin, he is QUICK to confess and make reparations. I am grateful to this child for making my job as a mom a little easier.

Elijah Daniel.... my oopsie baby - I always tell Elijah he is the best surprise God ever gave me. I joke that a child who was conceived in spite of TWO forms of birth control was destine to be resourceful, scrappy, determined. This boy is all of those things and some. My best parenting stories all stem from him: broken toilets - him, butter spread in the windowsill - him, poop in the stuffed Elmo's mouth - him... Elijah has given me most of my gray hair, but every time he ends up in one of his escapades I think of what my wise Momma always tells me, "You are not raising successful children. You are raising successful adults." And that resourcefulness will do him VERY well as an adult. I am thankful for this child's brain. I can frequently "see" it working behind those gorgeous eyes fringed in ridiculously long eyelashes. I am thankful for how energetically he attacks EVERYTHING in life. I am even grateful for how he knows EVERYTHING. I am grateful to this child for keeping me on my toes.

Hannah Elyzabeth... my little princess - I am thankful that God gave me a pretty little dollop of frosting on top of this amazing cake of children I have. She is EVERYTHING I hoped a girl would be: tender and tough, frilly and fierce.... part princess, part linebacker. I am thankful that God gave her imperfect eyes for it keeps her real. I am thankful that she is a little bit of each of her brothers: protective like Noah, sensitive like Jeremiah, impish like Elijah.... and yet COMPLETELY her own.... I have never seen a 3 year old who can command such attention from 3 older boys.... that little girl is like Hitler! She controls her brothers better than I do. Oh and I saved the best for last: If you ask Hannah what she wants to be when she grows up.... she says, "A cheerleader!" Perfection! I am grateful to this little girl for being my best buddy forever (pinky swear).

I can't end a blog about my children without a quick shout out to my step-babies. You know regretfully I don't know them as well as I wish I did. The past corrupted the present making the future very difficult to navigate. I, ever the optimist, am prayerful that God will continue doing His redeeming, healing work in their relationships with their daddy and the rest of us, and I am very grateful for the chance to be a part (no matter how small or big) of their lives.

Alex Joseph - I am grateful that he is a strong, brave, responsible man. I am grateful to him for sacrificing being with his beloved bride and his beautiful new children to travel across the ocean and fight to protect our freedoms.

Amanda Gene - I am grateful for Amanda's loving, giving, sacrificial heart. And this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the budding relationship I see growing between her and her daddy. God can do amazing things if you let Him and I am grateful that Amanda is letting him.

Amber Jade - I am grateful for this girl's spunk! This girl is scrappy and tough and (while this is slightly off topic) the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. My favorite story about Amber is one John LOVES to tell. She was young (idk maybe 3 or 4) and he took her to Chuck E. Cheese. Some kid tried to skip her on a ride and she hauled off and punched him in the face. Life will NOT take advantage of this girl and I am excited to see the woman she is going to become. I see her taking on life just like that kid at Chuck E. Cheese. It better not try to skip her or it will pay the price.

This Thanksgiving I am eternally grateful that God gave me what I wanted, sevenfold. I am the momma to 4 amazing children and the step-mother to 3 incredible adults. Thank you Jesus!

Update/Blog Combo

FINALLY! an update from the Kastners! Sorry it's been so long. You'll see why in a bit.

Lessons from Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard

I went to the mud room this afternoon to get some mac & cheese to make for lunch. My heart skipped a beat when I noticed my pantry is getting a little bare. It's not bad, but for the past few months due to the kindness of God's people my pantry has been OVERFLOWING with food. I'm not so sure exactly why, but as a mom, I always feel so secure when the cupboards and fridge are full. Somehow I feel I am in a much better place to care for my family when the cupboards have food. The sight of my supplies starting to dwindle made my heart skip a beat, but only for a second. You see I am really and truly a changed person. John isn't the only one whose entire existence was rocked by this brain surgery.

If you've known the Kastners for long at all, you know that we have struggled for about four years through a DEEP and DARK valley of financial destruction. Bad choices from many years ago, circumstances beyond our control, and just regular life have been conspiring to make for LEAN times for the Kastners. So when we stood on the threshold of this brain surgery escapade knowing that John would be out of work without pay for at least 2 months, I was thinking, "Seriously God? Seriously?" I mean we have barely been making it with John working two jobs. We have survived for over four years SOLELY on the grace of God and the goodness of His people. I suppose that should have made me a BETTER candidate for this Survivor-like escapade of my husband going without a salary for two months, but it really didn't. Now... here... nearing the end of this adventure... I can honestly say to you, I am a changed person. I am not the Jami who stood on that threshold eight weeks ago.

Last week Wednesday night, John and I were discussing what we've been reading in our Bibles the past week. As we talked, the subject of rent came up. He admitted that he was very scared. (I was too.) Facing a third month with no way to pay the rent was making our knees knock a little. But I told him that even though I was a little scared, I REFUSED to doubt. God had miraculously brought us this far, and He was NOT going to drop us now. The very next morning, THE VERY NEXT MORNING, I received a phone call informing us that someone would be paying our November rent for us. They wanted to call right away once God laid it upon their heart to do so, because they wanted to alleviate any worry that might occur between the time they sent the check and the time we received it.

So as I walked into the mud room today and caught sight of my not as full pantry, in the time it took for my heart to skip a beat, in those moments before worry could even take hold, I realized: I am NOT who I was eight weeks ago. I am a changed person. I am a person who realizes that a millisecond of fear is NOT doubt. I am a person who realizes that she must STOP the freight train of worry the SECOND she hears it coming down the tracks. I am a person who KNOWS beyond a SHADOW of a doubt that her God is big enough for ANYTHING she faces. ANYTHING!


Updates:

Kids: yups they've been moved up to first on the list this week. We have been fighting a VICIOUS virus here. I got it first and had it for about 8 or 9 days. During that time Elijah succumbed. Most recent on the list of victims was Jeremiah. He started vomiting yesterday morning and last night he gave us a REAL good scare with a pretty decent fever. It hit its height at 104.1 and then FINALLY broke. As hermit-like homeschoolers with a telecommuting mom, we RARELY get sick any more so I was a bit at a loss for what to do. Couldn't even remember how to treat a fever. YIKES! Today I ran into town for some supplies and I am ready and prepared should Noah and/or Hannah be the next in line. Please pray for:

Me - some sleep!!!!!
Elijah - NO secondary infections from this virus
Jeremiah - to kick the last bit of the fever from his body
John, Noah & Hannah - to resist this bug

John:
He is feeling better. The dark side to that is he is starting to forget that he is not 100% whole. Last week he picked up Elijah (he's still under a 10 pound lifting restriction) and paid the price for two days. He strained his neck muscles and suffered a little set back in the pain area. Then yesterday he did it again. He picked Noah up. So the dark side to being better is that he's starting to forget he's not completely himself. Please pray.

Tomorrow John starts physical therapy to relieve some of the tightness in his neck and increase his ability to turn his head. This is KEY to him being able to drive again. So please pray for its effectiveness to be multiplied greatly.

Return to work: the goal is still Monday 10/26. Tomorrow we contact the doctor to find out if this goal can become reality. Please pray! He is VERY anxious to return to earning a living (as am I) BUT I really don't want him pushing himself to return if his body is not up to it.

Finances:
As I indicated above, our November rent is covered (PRAISE THE LORD!) However, there are other big bills on the horizon and pay checks won't be coming for a little bit. Please pray. We are trying to figure out how to pay a large electric bill (this is a catch up month because the house had been vacant for so long and estimates were at unoccupied levels) and also how to get some propane in our tank soon. We are actually trying to apply for energy assistance. Never done this before... not sure it will work.... there is A LOT of paper work I have to get together in a VERY short time and one problem is we can't establish propane usage as we have no account yet for propane and as no one has used much propane in this house for over a year and a half as it has been vacant. I know that these are MINOR hurdles for our God, but please pray about them anyway.

Medical bills are starting to pour in and they aren't that astronomical (we have pretty good insurance), but they are confusing and I am having to spend A LOT of time insuring we aren't being over charged. Also they are starting to add up... Again: I'm a changed person. This isn't worry I express, simply request for prayer....

Again I am sorry it has been so long since I posted an update. It has been a crazy week here adding sickness into this other circus we have going here. Thank you SO much for continuing to keep the Kastners in your prayers.

Update from the weekend

It seems we are slowly but surely getting better around here. It was a fairly decent weekend.... Christina and Matt came for a visit on Saturday. It snowed while they were here! Then Sunday we went to church! It was GREAT to be back in the house of the Lord. After church James & Amanda came for a visit and the Nordmeyers brought dinner. It was a very fun weekend of visits and socializing.

Today John's neck is VERY stiff, but other than that he is doing pretty well. I, on the other hand, am not so well. I am on day 3 of a very bad headache. I am starting to wonder if I have a touch of the flu or something :( I'm taking pain meds like they are going out of style but no go yet...

With regards to our high aspirations to have a I Survived Brain Cancer Party. That's not looking like it will happen. That is turning out to be the weekend we are HOPING John will return to work. We do NOT want to be throwing a big party that weekend. After that in VERY quick succession comes Noah's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! We'd really LOVE to just have people come on up for a visit when they can make it. Please do NOT wait for an invitation. You are always welcome! So please let us know when you can make it up here. We'd love to have you.

I think that's all.... just your typical things going on besides that.... Please just keep up in your prayers:
***continued prayer for our finances. I keep trying to remind myself God's gotten us this far He isn't going to dump us now, but it is still a little nerve wracking to have no income.
***Also continued prayer for healing all around. John's been using heat therapy ALL day, and I'm contemplating making the hike into West Bend for some Starbucks if the Tylenol I took a bit ago doesn't kick in soon.

Well I gotta get back to work. Hope you are all having a blessed Monday!

Uncle...

I'm crying, "Uncle!" I have to! I can't take much more!!!!!

John: Well today was another bad day. He slept most of the day and hardly got out of bed. His headache is excruciating which is exhausting him. He did (from bed) work on some schoolwork with the children. However, he hasn't eaten much and I keep finding him moaning and holding his head. It seems I cannot state often enough: John is RARELY conscious these days. When he does have moments of lucidity, he typically spends them interacting with the children. The extent of my communication with him is usually, "What can I get for you honey?" or "When is the last time you gave me pain meds babe?" MANY keep commenting that he, "is not answering his phone...." or that he "is not returning my calls." rest assured you are in good company because he is not conversing on the phone AT ALL right now. He is hardly conversing with those he lives with. I beg of all of you, PLEASE understand that he is not in any condition to be returning phone calls in a timely manner.... not to ANYONE. I am trying my best to keep up with all communication for him, but as you will see in the portion of the update about me, I am ready to throw in the towel I am so overwhelmed right now.

Children: They are really not doing too terribly for those whose family has been through what ours is going through; however, the stress is starting to show in some areas. Some (who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty) are MUCH more whiny than typical, some are more aggressive than typical, some have actually reclaimed lost territory in the area of potty training regression (that has been a tiny little miracle), but ALL are desperately in need of some normalcy and to be able to be their old LOUD and ROWDY selves for a little while. In spite of the extreme circumstances around here, school has been going VERY well. Noah and Jeremiah have been making INCREDIBLE strides in penmanship and math! Elijah is proving himself to be a little math whiz tackling his new curriculum voraciously. Hannah is learning her alphabet VERY well and keeps begging to start on our phonics program. ALL are tearing up the AWANA books! Noah recited 7 sections at TNT last night!!! Hannah already earned a patch and last night she did her required section as well as 2 makeup sections. So educationally we are ON IT!

Jami: Oh pray for Jami! Pray HARD for Jami! I am really, really, really standing close to the ledge and am very tempted to JUMP! Today was a bad, bad day. In spite of the fact that I got 7 hours of sleep last night (for the first time in at least 3 weeks), I did NOT have a great day. In one 24-hour period I took on more work than I took on all of last week. That is GREAT!!! because work = $$$.... BUT difficult because John had a bad day and I was left to try to juggle a long day of work, school, and caring for him all by myself. The kids seemed to get rowdier and rowdier in direct correlation to the crescendo of my headache pain. It is now 5:06 p.m. (I was waiting for one more call for work that never came) and NOW I am finishing this blog while there is NO dinner ready and I have NO energy to make any. The upstairs is pretty much in order, but the downstairs.... well while I was working today the kids were trashing the downstairs. I need to get a few more night's sleep under my belt to get rid of this continual headache. I need to take a walk and get some exercise. I need to get my house cleaned and make a few more meals to freeze and finish the laundry and grade papers and plan tomorrow's lessons and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SEE why I wanna JUMP!

How you can help:
1. Please, please, please PRAY! Pray for John. Pray that his good days start coming in 2's and the bad days stop coming. Not only am I exhausted from holding down the fort all by my lonesome, but I miss my best friend! Pray for the children. Pray that they can just tone it down and lower the volume a bit longer so that John (and I) can make it through the headaches. Pray for me. Pray that I don't throw in the towel. That I somehow superhumanly find the strength to cook, clean, teach, work, and LOVE all while getting little to no sleep.

2. Please do the very best you can to get caught up on John's condition via one of the electronic modes we are using: Twitter, Facebook, Blogger. It is VERY time consuming to have to individually update multiple people everyday. I get multiple calls/e-mails/texts in a day asking me how John is doing. It is very hard to answer all of these in a timely manner. So please visit this site or stay in tune on Twitter or Facebook in order to relieve a little of my stress. That being said we do feel a bit lonely out here in the boonies, so PLEASE do not stop attempting to communicate with us, but understand that we are not going to be able to answer every phone call, text, e-mail. Pretty much this is a one-man show up here (ME) and I am about at the end of myself with things to do. So please keep the encouraging messages, e-mails, and texts coming. We need them badly! We need to know that people are out there thinking of us and praying for us, but please understand we (and by we I fully mean I.... for John is completely unable to assist me in responding to any one's queries) just don't have enough time in the day for personal replies to each inquiry.

3. If you have a second, please send John a quick get well wish. When he is conscious he typically asks me to check his facebook and e-mail for him. Then when we find nothing but SPAM he gets discouraged. So if you could please do me a quick favor. Stop for a second and send him an e-mail: jkastner3@gmail.com I would REALLY appreciate it.

Okay well I'm going upstairs now to find something I can quick throw together and call dinner. Then I think I will try to sneak into my closet, shut the door for COMPLETE darkness, and cry for a little while. Tears are soothing sometimes.

Peace out everyone!