Flashback Friday: When dreams come true....

This is what's on my heart today:

When dreams come true....

Mt. Olympus

It has been a pretty tough week at the Kastner house.  John has been in a SIGNIFICANT amount of pain for several weeks. Our minivan has been developing random minor ailments that are easy to fix but still  stressful (well except for one BIG one which resulted in a flat out MIRACLE). We found out last week that a "restructuring" of my department will likely leave me with a LOT more time (and a bit LESS money). And to add insult to injury I was body slammed with the worst seasonal allergies I have had this year (and I was out of my EXPENSIVE allergy meds). It's been a painful,  EXPENSIVE, difficult week.

Several months ago John and I discussed how we have NEVER (not even once) taken our children on a vacation. We have been on MANY vacations most of them with  (and payrolled by) Oma & Poppa.... a few for cheerleading competitions.... but just these six Kastners going away together, just us. .. it has NEVER happened before.  When we realized that,  we realized that it had to change. 

We stressed a little about how we would afford this trip (fine!  I stressed a little! John has this Bob-Marley-like personality that's like,  "It's only money, Mon.... we'll figure it out. ") but began making plans for the first ever Kastner vaca. I hemmed and hawed, dragging my feet to make the deposit.  I was terrified that the second we committed John's health would go again, someone would lose a job, the car would die,  or something. But finally there was no more time to delay. I had to make the reservation.  I did.  And the bad stuff happened: John's not doing well,  I'm unemployed,  our car is driving me NUTS with a new noise every day.... but you know what??? We went anyway.

And I won't lie. I am STRUGGLING with the worry that in the coming months we might need this money for groceries... or that we might have driven all the way out here for the car to BREAK DOWN.  but in spite of the worry in my belly, it's like my brain hasn't gotten the memo.  WE ARE HAVING THE TIME OF OUR LIFE! 

***the chaos of packing all our stuff in the car
***the LONG car trip complete with "Are we there yet?" every 2 seconds and an unplanned potty break to ensure a bladder didn't explode
***roller coasters, 

go karts,  

water slides,  hot tubs,  rock walls 

and MORE

***collapsing EXHAUSTED into our gorgeous room too tired to wiggle from having WAY to much fun

This morning contemplating the REQUIRED Starbucks trip that was coming (our room had no coffee maker... NONE) I started to feel the worry threatening to escape my belly and attack my mind again and then I heard God whispering, "My daughter,  have I not carried you before?  Have I not ALWAYS gotten you through?  What makes you think I won't carry you this time??? Rest.  Relax.  Enjoy your family vacation!"

So here are the lessons I have to share today:

1. I am human.  Even though I KNOW that God will carry us through each and every hurricane we face, I still worry.  It is still hard.  It is NOT fun.  It is okay to be human.

2. Satan never sleeps.  He never takes a break.  He doesn't think, "The Kastner family has had a rough road to travel: brain surgery,  money woes, pain,  sickness,  loss... I think I will just do them a solid and leave them alone on vaca." NOPE! He will prowl around trying to steal your joy at EVERY turn.  He will fight to destroy you every time.

3. I can beat Satan.  It doesn't take much actually.... simply allowing myself to have fun here.... praising when I feel like crying. .. refusing to allow my worry to make the trip from my belly to my mind. I CAN defeat Satan.

4. It's gonna be all right.  It really TRULY is. It might get messy.  I might not enjoy every moment.  I might come out a little battered and bruised but EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT! 

In closing,  I want to tell you that our children have already profusely thanked us a zillion times.  Jeremiah screamed,  "Best vacation EVER!" As he came round on the swings ride.  I had so much fun on the roller coaster I peed my pants (true story.... prolly TMI... but still TRUE story)... and this trip is SO blessed.  I see God's fingerprints EVERYWHERE.  For example,  when we made our reservations we were told that all outdoor parks close after Labor Day. So we would only have access to the indoor parks.... but when we arrived yesterday the outdoor amusement park was open and they told us the outdoor water park would be open today. ... so blessed!

So.... I'm gonna go try to have so much fun I pee my pants again... but the one thing I want you to remember is: IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT!

Hang in there folks!

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Thankful list....

Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving! My FAVORITE time of the year! I love to be thankful and this year I AM thankful!  So this year instead of being verbose and eloquent, I'm just making a list.  A thankful list....

THANKFUL LIST
*John J. Kastner
*Noah J. Kastner
*Jeremiah D. Kastner
*Elijah D. Kastner
*Hannah E. Kastner
*Amanda & James Starkweather
*Amber Kastner (btw... HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUT TO MY BEAUTIFUL 21-year old step-daughter!)
*my mom
*my dad
*my sisters and my brother
*my mother-in-law
*my friends who are always there with a listening ear
*my cheerleaders
*my Bible
*being a wife
*being a mom
*working from home
*homeschooling my children
*coaching cheer again
*my health
*Haugh Holiday
*turkey and mashed potatoes, stuffing and cranberry sauce
*FOUR DAYS off
*5/6 Boys Basketball at HCS
*my trials, which are building perseverance and making me mature and complete not lacking anything
*living in a free country that has people willing to sacrifice there lives to keep us safe (like my baby brother!)
*Jesus Christ my Savior, my Lord and my BFF

[I'm sure there's more but I have to get GOING. We leave for Haugh Holiday in 2 1/2 hours and I'm not even PACKED!]

May you have a BLESSED Thanksgiving filled with good food, fellowship and fun. May God remind you today of all the things you have to be thankful for.

Thankful Thursday....

Yesterday as I was running the marathon of midweek services carpool (I so did NOT miss my calling as a soccer mom), Jeremiah was ruminating on his favorite holiday.

He said, "Mom, wanna know what my favorite holiday is?"
I said, "Sure Jeremiah."
He replied, "It's a tie between Christmas - cuz that's when Jesus was born, and Easter - because that's when he rose from the dead."

[THAT child! Oh heavenly day! he grabs my gut almost every time he opens his mouth!]

I told him those were great choices, and then revealed my favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving, because I love being thankful. A short while later (alone in the van for a few brief moments) "Thankful Thursdays" popped into my head.  What a GREAT idea! Why wait to be thankful only one day a year???  So a new tradition is born. To start us out, I am posting

Top Ten Things I am Thankful for this Thursday


1. Jesus... my Jesus... He will always be the #1 thing I am thankful for. He makes ALL of the rest of these thankful things possible. He carries me when I'm weak. He holds me when I'm sad. He cheers me when I'm weary. What else can I say? I am thankful for Jesus!

2. John Joseph Kastner... What an amazing man! Really!  He IS! Hardworking, dedicated, fierce... the yin to my yang... I am thankful for John Joseph Kastner!

3. my babies... oh my babies! these children push me to my limits... they test me, try me and purify my faith.... they inspire me, encourage me and LOVE me... my children are definitely my treasure. I am thankful for my children!

4. asphalt... I am thankful for this wonderful thing called asphalt... yesterday our driveway was graded and then a nifty steamroller came and packed it down (the kids are LOVING having Bob the Builder in our front yard I tell you!) and within the next few days... ASPHALT will be poured, rolled, shoveled (I don't know or really care how they get it on there all I know is they will GET IT ON THERE!) onto our driveway. I am thankful for asphalt!

keep rollin, rollin, ROLLIN!

5. Demand Media.... in spite of the drama and the DRASTIC slow down in title availability, it is an AMAZING opportunity which has jump started my freelance writing career and for that I am grateful. I am thankful for Demand Media!


6. my new duster... this one may seem silly to you, but my allergies have been AWFUL lately. I am pretty sure it is because I haven't dusted since... ummmm idk Spring???  so last night at Walmart I bought the most AMAZING duster! under $3... it has a REMOVABLE, WASHABLE microstatic dust cover thingy... So I don't have to buy pricey refills!!!  I'm pretty sure its my favorite purchase this fall! As an added side-benefit, it has me feeling quite eco-friendly... It is EASY being green today! I am thankful for my new duster!

Look at all that DUST already!

7. cool bulletin board... One man's trash SURELY is another man's treasure! My mom did some de-cluttering and look what I got! I just love the organizational spirit behind a bulletin board! Isn't it awesome? This pic is from when we first hung it... it's MUCH fuller now... Every time I walk by it, I smile a little bit. I am thankful for my cool bulletin board.

8. my mom is HOME from Rwanda... My mom spent nearly two weeks in Rwanda ministering to the orphans and widows who are suffering from war and genocide. It was life changing and AWESOME for her and I'm glad she went, but I'm thankful my mom is HOME from Rwanda!

9. coffee... what kind of a thankful list would this be without coffee??? I have a brand new favorite mug (another one of my Momma's castoffs) and some coffee all the way from Rwanda... although truthfully haven't been able to use the coffee yet... have to get my hands on a coffee grinder (Walmart didn't have any... grrrr!) Still... I am thankful for coffee!

10. homeschooling... I am so grateful that I get to homeschool my babies. It is the BEST, most challenging thing I have ever done, and I wouldn't trade it for the world! Not gonna lie, every once in awhile I log onto the Mayville School District's website to see when "real school" starts and ends... (just dreaming y'all!) but in spite of the struggles I am SO glad I homeschool! (If you're interested, hop on over to my homeschooling blog to learn more.) I am thankful for homeschooling!


Thus ends our very first Thankful Thursday. I'd love it if you'd play along. You don't have to list 10 things, but maybe you could take a second to quickly post a comment? just ONE thing you are thankful for today... c'mon! I'm sure you can come up with ONE!










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Quick comment tutorial for the comment-impaired:

1. See that gray box down there? it is underneath my pink signature... a little further... underneath that row of pictures entitled "You might also like"... In that box it says "0 comments"... click on THAT!

2. In the box under "Leave your comment" type just ONE thing you are thankful for

3. Choose an identity... (anonymous is a PERFECTLY valid choice!)

4. Click on "Publish your comment"

5. Do not be alarmed that your comment doesn't show up right away... I have it set up so all comments require approval.

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A GREAT day to wake up!!!

This morning I woke up to random men standing in my driveway. That may not seem like a GREAT way to wake up, but hang on until the end of the story, you will see how great it was. I rolled out of bed, located my glasses, threw on the first jacket I could find to cover my pjs [found $10 in the pocket! WOOT! WOOT! It IS gonna be a GREAT day!], threw a mint in my mouth [GOLLY my morning breath is BAD when I actually sleep at night!], and headed out to see what was up.

With my bleary, sleep-clouded eyes I could not read the words on the side of the trucks, but I could tell it had to do with my driveway. You know about my driveway right?  It first burst onto the scene of My Life as a Lesson way back in 2009, when we first moved in and John had to have brain surgery. It plays a quite notable place in my life. [If you have ever seen it, you know why...] I have mentioned it on this blog at least 10 times.

Every time it rains, a little more of our driveway washes away. Before this morning we had a rut down the east side of our driveway that looked like a fault line in a low-budget earthquake movie.

Our landlord told us this spring that he was just going to get some quotes for blacktop and have it paved in the fall, but over the summer we learned the blacktop prices were pretty high, and he wasn't sure it was going to happen this year.

So when I walked out there I was sure the guys were going to say they were laying down another layer of stone, which in and of itself would be GREAT! When the first guy I reached said, we're getting ready to blacktop the driveway. I looked at him in shock! The next guy confirmed his assertion, but STILL I made the boss guy tell me again! I swear I wanted to plant a big wet kiss on each of those asphalt guys! OHMIGOSH! We're getting blacktop! We're getting blacktop! We're getting BLACKTOP!

It is like Christmas in October around here and I literally can't stop the jumping up and down feeling inside my heart!

Don't worry.... there's a lesson coming....

Remember when you were that excited over God? Remember when He came into your life and forgave your sins and saved your soul from a fiery eternity in the pit of hell? Remember when he miraculously provided (for that car, that house, that bill)? Remember when he got your husband through brain surgery, carried your child through chemotherapy, provided those "benign" test results?

This jumping up and down feeling inside of me keeps reminding me that EVERY SINGLE day I should feel like that! Every single day is a GREAT day to wake up! I don't need random dudes in my driveway blacktopping it for this day to be GREAT! God loves me! Jesus saved me from my sin! I have a place in Heaven that NO ONE and NOTHING can take away!

It is a GREAT day to wake up!  Hope you can see that too.

Enough time....

While I realize this song (and likely the corresponding blog) holds a bit of morbidity, I can't help but be a bit consumed by it. Whenever this one lyric approaches, I well up with tears and my heart swells.

well... I've had just enough time...


That is what this blog will be about; however, first a little introduction....

I'm not exactly sure what this song is supposed to be about. It is a little morbid, even bordering on creepy. However, I was pulled in by the haunting melody and the BEAUTIFUL voice singing these lyrics that didn't really apply to me. This young girl who I imagined to be freshly beautiful (google proved my imaginations to be true) singing about if she dies and her mother has to bury her seemed like it didn't really apply... see I'm NOT young, and fresh beauty left me about a decade ago, leaving stretch marks, wrinkles and gray hair in its place. But when she sang, The sharp knife, of a short life... Well, I've had just enough time. It got me thinking.

I've had just enough time. I have had SUCH a blessed life. I'm sure MANY of you who have read this blog for a long time are thinking WHAT?!?!?!? doesn't she remember brain surgery? doesn't she remember being unable to pay the bills? doesn't she remember her baby is going under the knife in a month? 

I remember all those things.  I really do. But here's the thing.... I don't regret the bad things in my life. I don't shun the struggles. I embrace EVERY experience I have had, and all those to come because of this:  without the sad times the happy times aren't as great.... without heartbreak, love isn't as deep... without strife, peace isn't as welcome.... without pain, life just isn't life.

Back to my blog point: I've had just enough time! If I die before this blog is even finished, I have had enough time. Some people have a "Bucket List" of things they hope to do before they die. I've tried writing those, but I always get off track because I get more consumed with writing the things I've already done that I can cross off my "Bucket List"... see while I guess I have things that it would be cool if I did before I die, I'm so much more excited by the things I've already accomplished. As a result my Bucket List looks something like this:

*go to college; have fun AND get a degree
*be a teacher; do my best to mold young lives
*be a coach; pass on a love for cheerleading, fitness, and nutrition to young girls while making a difference in their lives
*fall MADLY in love, so in love that it makes sense to NO ONE else on the planet and CLING to that love come hell or high water
*be a MOM.. be a MOM... be a MOM!!!!
*have at least one girl and all the pink, and the bows, and the pom poms that come with that
*TRAVEL to Europe, Mexico, and the Bahamas... visit every country on my continent... go on a mission trip
*be Jesus to as many people as I can: love the unlovable, forgive the unforgivable, give till it hurts, live like He might come back tomorrow
*own a dog (this one has come with a few more strings than anticipated... Kiah spent the night in the kennel AGAIN last night because she ran away again)
*have a house (FINE! I don't own this one yet, but I will, someday, PROMISE!)

I guess that there are still things to be done, places to be seen, accomplishments to make (WRITE A BOOK!!!!!) but I am so very happy with my life, and If I die young (as young as 42 can be that is) I would die happy and satisfied that I have had a GREAT life... cuz I've had just enough time.


I hope you've had just enough time too...

Contentment

[btw... I am full well aware of the fact that the White Elephant in the room is, "Where the heck have you been, Jami?" Suffice it to say I am running a wedding marathon like none other, and I hardly have time to do ANYTHING that is not wedding or work-related right now. Besides Noah's, Jeremiah's, Elijah's and Hannah's, there are likely only three other weddings in the WORLD that will have my heart so completely and TWO of them are happening within the next five weeks! I am WIPED and completely inundated with flower girl dresses, bridal showers, spa dates, tie finding, bachelorette dinners, tux fittings, shoe searching, and wedding gift ordering... I'm so busy I hardly have the time to just ENJOY the festivities... so sorry for not blogging, but I hope you'll understand.]


I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
Philippians 4:11


Today as I was taking my morning walk, I was praying. I fell into my long-ago learned default mode of ACTS: Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving Supplication. During the confession portion of my prayer, some serious conviction hit me. I have been struggling with jealousy lately and with just being content with what I have. I am struck SO hard with jealousy EVERY SINGLE time I pass a Chevy Traverse (or actually any other SUV crossover which appears to have third row seating) on the road. I LONG for a new vehicle. One that has 4-wheel drive... One that has brakelights which don't need to be replaced once per month... One that has air conditioning that works, or even just a driver's side window that rolls down so I don't DIE of heat exhaustion in the summer... and one that has the inside of the driver's side door so I can't see the ground rushing by as I drive and feel the cold air pouring in during the winter....

I'm also struck with jealousy on behalf of my hubby.... He's driving a 1990 Buick LeSabre... We will be FOREVER grateful for the dear gift we were given in this FREE car; however, I am continually terrified that it will breathe its last breath leaving us with only one vehicle again... and he is, I'm sure, sick of driving with a broken front seat, missing headlight doo-hicky, driver's side window that doesn't roll down and brakes that have to be replaced every nine months because the suspension is shot. I typically feel VERY justified in desiring new vehicles. I'm not just wanting something new and shiny. The vehicles we currently possess are OLD as dirt with SEVERAL cosmetic and even some operational flaws.

However, this morning as I confessed my sin, I felt nothing but CONVICTED. God has given me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much! He has practically handed me the EXACT life I asked Him for on a shiny silver platter. All I ever, ever, EVER wanted was to be a mom and wife. I have that, and it is so much more perfect FOR ME than I could have ever imagined.

The boy, boy, boy, girl design of my family is IDEAL for me. The fact that I get to be the one teaching my children EVERYTHING that I hold most dear:  Bible, Grammar, History, manners, good study habits, proper fitness practices is DREAMY.

Even the fact that I'm no longer crammed into a tiny side-by-side with a postage stamp lawn but am instead on 2 acres in a HUGE house with a dog and a cat and an AMAZING, quiet, country setting.

I have a hard-working husband who's willing to work himself to exhaustion for this family.  I have a HEALTHY body that while it may be ridiculously HUGE right now (sorry NOT showing photos of that image... NOPES) still has NO chronic or fatal ailments or even major issues.

I have family that is loving and supportive. I have not one BUT TWO work-at-home jobs that allow me to homeschool and BE HERE for my children.

I have the most gentle dog ever created and the best mouse-catcher cat in the world.  I have a mother who treasures me and sisters who just "get" me and friends that are a tonic to anything that ails me.

I have these GORGEOUS step-daughters (no seriously GORGEOUS have you seen them lately???) who somehow became women seemingly overnight. I have EXACTLY what I asked God for and sooooooooo much more! It's not His fault I forgot to include schnazzy cars and a fat bank account in my initial fantasies.

So this morning instead of feeling justified for wanting newer less beat up vehicles I felt nothing but conviction washing over me. I have what is really important. And my fears that the cars will stop working are silly. While my God may not care if I have a/c or a shiny paint job, He sure does care that I have transportation that will get my family to and from work, family events, et al... so I need not worry... and I should not be jealous...

I guess I'm a little slow on the uptake... but I too am learning the secret of being "content whatever the circumstances..."  Hope you are too!

Instant Karma

Last night we watched our most recent Netflix arrival, House Season 6 Disc 2, which (coincidentally enough) was supposed to arrive last weekend but got stuck in the USPS machines and was delayed in its arrival.  However, House doesn't believe in coincidences, and neither do I.  Granted it is for different reasons that we agree.  See I don't believe in coincidences, I believe in God's providence.  I also don't believe in "Instant Karma" I believe in God's will; however, I do believe in catchy blog titles.  So now I've babbled long enough... I'm sure you're all wondering, "Where is she GOING with this????"

As previously mentioned on this blog, the Kastner family (inspired by DFL - dear friend Lori) has embarked upon an Advent Project this year.  As a family, we talked about what this season REALLY means. What is Christmas all about?  After arriving at the conclusion that it is all about JESUS, we discussed the concept of focusing HARD during these days leading up to Christmas on honoring Jesus, on showing Him we love Him.  We have challenged ourselves, personally and as a family, to seek out ways to HONOR Him with all we do.

So last night we had to pick John up in Hartford (trusty old Buick needs brakes, tires, and HEAT).  We were stalling for time and it was approaching (and passing) dinner time. So I decided to pick up a small snack at McD's.  (Dinner was planned and waiting at home, but kids, and mom, were getting cranky from hunger NOW.) So anyways there we were sitting in the drive thru when I remember our project.  I remember Lori mentioning something about paying for the person behind her in the drive thru.  (I have ALWAYS wanted to do that!  But I am typically counting pennies, paying the lady with handfuls of change when I am at McD's.)  Well we are not rolling in the dough this Christmas; however, we are more "caught up" then we have been in a long time and I decided, "Let's do it!"  

So I presented the idea to the kids.  They were VERY enthusiastic in their answer.  As we pulled up for our turn to order, Noah said, "I'm so excited I'm trembling!"  I'm not gonna lie, I was a little scared.  What if the person behind us was taking burgers back to a houseful of people and I ended up paying thousands of dollars???  I tried to calm myself with realizations that I have A LOT of kids and even when they are allowed to "order stuff that's not on the dollar menu" we don't typically go over $40 at McDonalds.  We pulled up to the window to pay.  

After paying for our food ($5.99), I told the lady, "We would like pay for the person behind us."  

She said, "Do you know them?"

I said, "No.  We just want to do something nice for someone."

She said, "Okay, but I have to tell you, their order came to $26.04."  (Figures!  That is just the Jami-luck at work there!)

I smiled.  "That's fine," I replied.  "We just want you to tell them to 'Have a Merry Christmas.' "  

The kids were staring out the back window at the car behind us.  "They have a girl your age Noah."  Jeremiah said.

"I wish we could SEE their faces!"  Noah added.

It was such a priceless and PRECIOUS moment for us!  Well worth every penny of that HUGE order behind us :)  We were a little stymied in our getaway attempt.  This McD's was under construction, and it was dinner time and we had to weave around cars and then drive 3/4 of the way back around the building just to get out.  I fretted a little over getting caught.  So, ever the teacher (you have to be when you're a homeschooling mom), I started to instruct the kids, "Sometimes the best part of blessing someone is doing it secretly."  FINALLY with all the finesse of Maxwell Smart, we exited the parking lot.  

It was a great life lesson for my children.  They LOVED perpetrating a Random Act of Kindness.  However, that's not where the lesson ended for this family.  Nopes!  This time God had more.

We arrived home to find a riding lawn mower parked next to our porch.  It wasn't just ANY riding lawn mower.  It was the riding lawn mower we had borrowed all summer.  (I tried to find something in my blog about this but I can't.  REALLY!?!?!?  Did I REALLY not blog at ALL about the fact that our neighbors down the street saw us trying to push mow our 2 acres and offered to let us borrow their riding mower, "Any time... As long as you need to..."  How is that POSSIBLE!?!?!  It was one of the GREATEST blessings in the history of blessings!  Regardless, all summer long we had been borrowing this mower.)  As we pulled up next to it, we saw a bunch of stuff on the seat.  John climbed out of the van and checked it out.  It was an owner's manual, cables...  Could it be?  NO!  There's no way!!!  John said, "It looks like they are giving this to us."  We were dumbfounded.

Well he drove down the cul de sac and had a chat with our neighbors and SURE ENOUGH!  They gave us this lawn mower!  The man told John that from the first time we borrowed the mower, God had laid it upon his heart that it would be ours.  All summer long, he planned that come Christmas he would give us this mower.  He said he drove it up to his house, all decked out in his Santa hat, but we weren't home.  What an INCREDIBLE blessing!  How AMAZ-ZUH-ZING!  

Now please do NOT get me wrong.  The purpose of our blessing that stranger at McDonald's was BLESSING SOMEONE!  We had NO hidden agenda.  We did NOT expect (or even necessarily want) to be blessed back for it.  Just the joy of surprising someone unexpectedly like that was enough for us!  Yet still I was VERY grateful.  Not just for the AMAZING, nearly brand new lawn mower that is now parked in our garage, but mostly for the lessons my children had learned this day.  So many their heads were spinning:  

*it's a GREAT thing to give

*giving anonymously and surprisingly is an adventure

*honoring Jesus is not only the right thing to do it is SOOOOO exciting

*when you obey God irregardless of the consequences ($26.04 McDonalds bill behind us) He takes CARE of you (riding lawn mower - Merry Christmas!)

So today instead of just inspiration blanketed in a mumbo jumbo of words, I am also presenting you with a challenge.... a dare of sorts...

Dare to do something EXTRAVAGANT for someone today.  Just for the SOLE purpose of blessing them.  It doesn't have to be monetary!  Answer a grumpy person with an encouraging word.  Offer to help a coworker with their workload.  Stop to help a busy mother load her groceries into her van.  Do it because it is good Karma :)  Do it because it honors Jesus.  Do it because it is the RIGHT, KIND, Christmassy thing to do.  But don't be surprised if it comes RIGHT back to you with lightening speed.

Have a GREAT day everyone!  

One year ago...

Stitches

September 8, 2009... Some things are so fuzzy.  Some things are so clear.  I clearly remember sitting in a little vending machine alcove with Amber trying to keep our minds off what was going on in the operating room.  I hardly remember handing the kids off to my sister.  I remember Shane prayed with us before the pre-op nurse wheeled John away, but I don't remember much of what we said or did other than that..  I remember John left so quickly I didn't feel I had enough time with him and what if....  (Well you KNOW)...  What if that was the last time I saw him?  I remember how puffy he looked the first time I saw him after surgery, and I remember I cried tears of joy that he had made it through mingled with tears of sadness for how miserable he was.  I can't remember how long he was in that first ICU, but I remember the other family in the waiting room there.  I remember that their loved one wasn't expected to recover fully.  I remember eating TONS AND TONS of Noodles & Company.  I remember Amanda and Amber helping me watch the clock so we could tell John exactly how many minutes till he could press his morphine button.  I remember there was a hot male nurse Amber was sweating, but I couldn't pick him out of a line up.   And I remember the grumpy AWFUL nurse who preceded him.  I remember I hardly slept at all that week...  A few stolen winks on a family room couch... A few restless moments on an air mattress at my sister's.  I remember the AWFUL 2nd ICU, and its horrid brightness.  I remember the luxurious room we got once John got out of ICU.  I remember that it seemed we were at the hospital for years, but in reality we only spent 4 days there!  For BRAIN SURGERY! 

Daddy is my BFF

I remember tons of great nurses, doctors, therapists (most of the icky ones have faded away into fuzziness).  I remember my family and friends taking over care of the children, especially Cori caring for them EVERY spare unaccounted for minute.  I remember thinking over and over and OVER again, "The stress of all this should be killing me.  Why isn't it killing me?" I know now why...  because I was surrounded by a vast cloud of prayer.  I remember friends, family, even complete strangers blessing us with gifts, prayer, meals, food, advice, financial support.  I remember the sweetest of sweet (a little girl asking her daddy to send us 7 cents from her piggy bank), the crazy LAVISH (3 diff people gave us LARGE amounts - enough to pay the rent!), the very sacrificial (a friend whose family had struggled with unemployment for over a year slipped a folded up bill into my hand at church)....

Watchin TV in the hospital

But here it is ladies and gentlemen, what I remember the most:  He was right there with us through the whole thing.  He didn't drop the ball.  He didn't wring His hands.  He gathered us in His arms.  He buoyed us up with His people.  He healed my husband with a skillful surgeon from his tool box.  He carried us, He loved us, He provided for us, He stayed by us!

On our way home...

I don't know what you're facing today... I have friends facing foreclosure... I have a friend who just inherited FIVE children he is trying to keep together as a family.... I have friends struggling with a mysterious illness... Another struggling with the pain of divorce brought on by unfaithfulness... ALL of these needs and MORE are on my heart this morning.... A year and a half ago my heart would have felt such DEEP sadness for these situations.  Today, I feel a little sadness, but mostly I feel awe, wonder and expectation!  I know that I know that I KNOW that our God WILL come through for all of you in miraculous ways!  Just ask Him and then look for the answers.  

Last year, He pulled us through things I thought I could never make it through (a mini-stroke, being out of work for TWO MONTHS with no pay).  We hit rock bottom, time and time and TIME again last year, and we learned to cherish each and every day as a blessing from God.  I believe with all of me that He will pull you through too.  If you have a little time and want a little encouragement go back and read (or re-read) my blogs from last year:  August, September, October.... we were in the belly of the beast, and here we stand today having made it through by the grace of God.  He will get you through too!  So hang on and let Him carry you.

Too blessed to be stressed....

Do you ever just wonder what business God is about? Like I mean, I TRUST Him, and I KNOW that He has my best interest at heart; however, there are times when I just think, "Seriously God? Seriously?" The funny part is this is a RECURRING theme in my life. Almost always I have SO MUCH on my plate that any mere mortal would be in the loony bin from like HALF of what I'm dealing with... It makes me think, "Hmmmmm God what are you doing in this situation? What am I supposed to glean?" and I'm not gonna lie pretty frequently, "When will this all end!?!?!?!"

Take for instance today:

1. John is on the second day of being home with another neck/brain surgery setback. It was really VERY innocent. On Tuesday night, Hannah jumped up on him to hug him then she grabbed his chin to turn his head and give him a kiss, and POW! excruciating pain and he literally collapsed to the bed. Well, not really one to give up without a fight, John went to work on Wednesday but even during his commute when he called, I could tell he was in no shape to work. He was back home shortly after lunch and has not left bed since. The most ironic part of all of this is that on Sunday he said to me, "Babe, I have been trying to deny it for almost two days, but I think I have another kidney stone." Well I don't know how many of you recall that part of the saga. How in late 2008 - early 2009, John had three different bouts with kidney stones, and how one scan of his kidneys revealed "several" stones in the kidneys. AYE YI YI! REALLY!?!?!? So now this one week we are dealing with kidney stones AND brain surgery setbacks. The only good news is that now the pain from his neck is so severe that he can't feel the kidney stones moving.

2. Every now and then this telecommuting thing is not so fun. See Hannah infiltrated my office this morning and picked up my work phone when it was ringing. When I figured that out I wanted to PUKE! I just spent the morning doing damage control: apologizing to the reference, apologizing to the client, apologizing to my boss... My stomach is still in knots from the entire ordeal.

3. Our minivan... so yesterday I rejoiced to my family and even ALL of FB about the fact that our minivan repair, which had been estimated at $600 was only going to be $118.92. Then just before lunch I called to check on the status and the owner of the shop said, "Well that's just the first thing we're trying. We don't know for sure that is going to fix the whole problem. Didn't they tell you that?" Well, no, kind, balloon-popping sir, they did NOT tell me that... thanks for peeing on my parade! I have been CLINGING to my hope though and REFUSING to doubt. I am trying to BELIEVE that the first thing will be the only thing and this will STILL be a miracle from God; however, they STILL haven't called back about it.

So in the midst of all of this, I'm left to wonder a little:

God what are you doing in this situation??? (actually THESE situationS.) This morning I read this out of Hebrews 12:7a Endure hardship as discipline; and from Hebrews 12:11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. I have mused before about why we suffer, but this week as I've been reading in Hebrews I have been hearing over and OVER from God, "WHY you suffer doesn't matter. HOW you suffer DOES!" Take the suffering... take the hardship... as discipline. Discipline doesn't only mean punishment. Discipline also means training. When we endure hardships, we should consider ourselves to be "in training." Now John and I have been in training A LOT since we've been married. I keep telling myself, athletes training for the Olympics require MUCH MORE discipline than those training for a recreation department athletic event. So I keep soothing myself by imagining myself as an Olympic athlete.

What am I supposed to glean??? This question has SO many answers for my situation today. Some of them I am sure have not even been brought to my attention yet. But so far here is what I have:

1. the body is a frail thing. It cannot be cut open and have a portion of it's skull removed without far-lasting implications.

2. pain is sooooooooo relative. Kidney stone pain seems excruciating; however, when compared to the pain of the side-effects from brain surgery... it becomes minute. That is an IMPORTANT lesson... because the stress of having a sick husband, a big boo boo at work, an out of commission minivan can look pretty HUGE but when compared to the stress of _________ it could become minute.

3. EVERYONE makes mistakes. EVERYONE has snafus. See I live in this terrible world where I expect Jami Lynn Kastner to be perfect. One tiny mistake... One tiny screw up.... and I am spiraling out of control, hating myself, thinking I'm worthless. Yes I SHOULD have shut the door to my office. Yes I SHOULD have noticed sooner that Hannah was not upstairs. But EVERYONE makes mistakes. I have to learn to deal with that.

4. Do not EVER let Satan steal your joy. I was dancing around, bawling yesterday when they called to tell me that the van would be $118.92. Then after the second call I couldn't quite conjure up dancing. My parade had been metaphorically peed on, but I still REFUSED to stress or worry about it being more costly. I chose to keep my mind trained on the $118.92 and I REFUSED to look at the $600 looming in the distance. See that is a CHOICE! We ALLOW Satan to steal our joy. We ALLOW Satan to make us worry. We can CHOOSE not to give him that power.

5. God is God over ALL of this too. He is God over John's neck pain. He is God over John's kidneys too. He is God over John's job and this time spent out of work. He is God over my job and the issues Hannah caused. He is God over our minivan and its possessed taillights. He is God!

Finally, to my last question:

When is this all going to end??? I have longed for a VERY long time from relief from continual and constant "testing of my faith"... I know! I know! it's "developing perseverance." I know! I know! "Perseverance must finish its work." I know! I know! that when perseverance finishes its work I will be "mature and complete.... not lacking anything." But guess what???? I am TIRED and I think my faith has been tested enough! But here's the answer to my question... Even if it NEVER ends. Even if this is what the REST OF MY LIFE looks like: wounded husband, tight finances, enough stress on my plate to feed a family of seventeen.... I will STILL praise Him, AND I am STILL too blessed to be stressed!

God has given me more than I could ever ask for. More than I could ever imagine. Whether He has me walking down sunny paths with flowers lining the way or trudging up a rocky cliff with my blood trailing behind... It doesn't matter because I will never stop loving Him and I will never stop believing that I am blessed.

Birthday blog....

On the occasion of my birthday I thought I would reflect on what I've learned over the past 12 months. It's been a rocky year... one that resembles some sort of boot camp experience... but I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I learned A LOT:

1. It is God who holds my heart in His hands. He is the only One who will never let me down, leave me, or betray me. Friends, family members, spouses... They disappoint, leave, betray, even die... But He NEVER will. NEVER!

2. It is very important to keep my focus forward; however, glancing backward to remember where I have been is VITAL when attempting not to repeat past mistakes.

3. You can't fix stupid. This may sound funny coming from a teacher; however I have come to see that I CANNOT change the inane rules my insurance company has... I CANNOT change a headstrong, mule-like person... I just CANNOT fight city hall.... Therefore, some battles are better left unfought.

4. Stress.... It's a killer! Stress will catch up with you. It doesn't matter how much I think I resemble Wonder Woman. It doesn't matter that I think I can handle it. Put your body through continual and constant stress, and eventually, the effects will begin to show.

5. His grace is ALWAYS sufficient. No matter what I FEEL like. No matter what I FEAR. No matter what the devil is whispering to me.... No matter that those aforementioned effects of stress are beginning to show... His grace is ALWAYS sufficient.

6. People are crazy and we live in strange times. (Have to admit I stole this one from my mom and her healthcare seminar).... it's so true... read it again... marinate on it... I think you'll agree.

7. One ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship. (Spanish Proverb) When push comes to shove.... When I am down on my luck... When I feel like I have no one else to turn to... My family is ALWAYS there for me and this I can ALWAYS take to the bank: my Momma loves me.

8. This thing called parenting... Heck this thing called marriage... it just ain't as easy as it looks. There are days when I want to throw the whole kit and caboodle out with the used dishwater, BUT... the benefits... should I choose not to throw in the towel... are well, well, WELL worth it.

9. I am sooooo glad that God chose these specific angels to be my babies. They may be daredevils.... Their heads have been known to spin around.... But they are sweet and smart and kind and polite.... They LOVE Jesus with all of them and THEY ARE MY BABIES! And I am GRATEFUL!

10. John Joseph Kastner is the bravest man I know. He is no saint, and he is not perfect. But he bravely faces down EVERY challenge that comes before him. He will fight to the DEATH for his family and especially his wife. He will never give up no matter how insurmountable the odds seem... no matter how scared he is... no matter what it might cost him. I am ever grateful that my God chose THIS man to complete me... for without him I would be NOTHING.

So there it is... another year older, and actually, I think this year (more than many others) I am actually another year wiser as well. It is NOT a year I wish to repeat EVER again, but it is definitely a year that brought me closer to God, my husband, my children, and my family. It was definitely a year that made me stronger. Hope I'm not too whimpy though if I ask just one thing as a "birthday wish"...

Dear God, Can I please have an easier year next?

The valley of the shadow of death....

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)

I know a thing or two about valleys. I've traveled through my share (and maybe a few other people's share too...) Therefore, I feel qualified to tell you a few things I have learned about journeying through a valley... a sort of JLK TripTik to help you navigate your way.

He is with you. The first stop along our way is the no-brainer. It is right there in the verse I opened with, "for you are with me...." God is with you. Even though it feels as if you've been abandoned, even though you cannot always see Him there, He is WITH you! Right there in the valley, right there as you're saying goodbye to a loved one, right there as the bank is foreclosing upon your house, right there as the judge signs the papers on your divorce, HE IS WITH YOU. Whatever you do, do NOT let the enemy convince you this is not true. In order to make it to the other side of this deep canyon, you HAVE to hold tight to this truth: HE IS WITH YOU!

Stand.... or fall down too, but do not give up! When you are walking through a deep, dark valley, feeling discouraged is understandable. When your life is falling apart, you will feel despair. When your dreams are lying in a pile of rubble at your feet, your broken heart will ache. But no matter what you do, do not give up. "....and after you have done everything, to stand." (Ephesians 6:13b)... Sometimes standing is all you can do. Sometimes it is good enough to just NOT fall down, Sometimes you even fall down, and it is good enough to just get back up. To say to God, "My heart is in ruins but I will stand." ...like Brooke Taylor in Facing the Giants.... broken hearted facing her bareness and crying out, "I will still love you, Lord!" Just don't give up! It's okay to stand still. It's okay not to move. But do NOT give up!

This too shall pass... No matter how endless the valley you are traveling feels, there IS an end to it. There will come a day when you will look back on the valley. There WILL! For those of you who are in the valley RIGHT NOW, you will find my next words hard to believe, but someday you may even long wistfully for the valley. Just this past weekend I was longing wistfully for a few of the darkest times in my life:

***The year when I was pregnant with Hannah through her birth, we were walking through a valley of the shadow of financial destitution that was pretty much unmatched by ANYTHING else we had ever faced. I remember how terrified I was. I remember the power was shut off that summer. But this past weekend, I looked back and remembered how it was in the middle of that valley that God blessed me with this beautiful baby girl who is so much more than I could have ever hoped or asked for. We were involved in the birthing of a church that year, and we were integral in the support system of that church, and we BELONGED. I also remember that year we were coaching a cheer squad that was more family than team. As I look back on that valley, what I notice most are the flowers scattered along the way.

***Last fall our valley was having a portion of John's skull removed in brain surgery and living with none of his income for a few months. I remember the exhaustion of those long, labor-intensive days. I remember the fear of ending up homeless because we could not pay the bills. I remember fighting back the worry that I would be widowed well before I got to be that cute elderly couple holding hands at the grocery store. But this past weekend, I looked back and remembered the AMAZING blessing of being together as a family (all six of us... and just the six of us) for nearly two months. We were cared for by the body of Christ in a way that BLEW MY MIND. We learned more lessons about God and about each other than I can even catalog. As I look back on that valley, what I notice most are the flowers scattered along the way.

So please believe me.... no matter how science-fiction like it sounds... there WILL come a day when you too will look back on this valley and see the flowers scattered along the way.

I wish that none of us had to face valleys. What a pleasant trip this would be if it were a skip down a rose-lined path on a sunny day! However, that's not what I have found from scripture: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23) The description Jesus gives of following Him includes crosses... not roses. It is also not what I have found in life. People die. Finances go south. Hearts get broken. But these things I know about traveling through a valley:

He is with you.

Stand...

This too shall pass.

If you are in a valley right now, I pray this has ministered to you. If you are not in a valley right now, maybe you want to bookmark this page, because eventually you will be. The valleys in life are inevitable... I just hope this little TripTik will help you a little in yours.

Dancing with Cinderella.....

So I had this HUGE day ahead of me yesterday. TONS on my to do list and time ticking away. I was in the shower sopping wet, and I heard my phone ringing. It was John's ringtone. He doesn't typically call me on the drive to work so I knew there was something wrong. "I need you do come pick me up. I'm on Hwy K." With those words my whole day was turned upside down.

[This blog is NOT about the issues which left him stranded on Hwy K, but because I know I will field ZILLIONS of questions about this if I don't put it out there: all is fine and taken care of.... God prepared a solution before we even had the need. Now focus on my lesson PLEASE!]

It reminded me of a scene in Evan Almighty where Evan says something about what his plans were. God (Morgan Freeman) says, "Your plans?" and then proceeds to bust a gut laughing. See so often we get so caught up in OUR plans, but there are MANY times when God's plans aren't the same as ours.

My plans for Friday, May 14th included errands, work, schooling and TONS of cleaning. God's plans for me for Friday, May 14th included an emergency call at 7:03 a.m., an unexpected expense, and a tax return being deposited on THAT day so the expense wasn't a big deal.

Yesterday reminded me not to be so caught up in MY plans that I am not receptive to His plans. Yesterday ended up being a GLORIOUS day: unexpected time off with my hubby, ALL the errands done much easier then if I had done them myself, and most of my to do list accomplished. Sometimes when we are pitched a curve ball that turns our day upside down we are not very graceful. However, we have to constantly remind ourselves God knew EXACTLY how that ball was gonna curve.

Hannah keeps throwing me one of those curve balls lately. She keeps asking me, "Mommy will you dance with me?" Typically when she asks this, I'm not at a point where I have time for frivolous things. Although truth be told, I NEVER have the time for frivolity. However, in the few seconds after that question is asked, ZILLIONS of things run through my mind. See the question ALWAYS reminds me of the song Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman.

So I'll dance with Cinderella

While she is here in my arms

I'm sure many of you know the tragic story of his daughter Maria.... killed in a terrible accident at the tender age of five. I think of the fact that even if I do not lose my Hannah at a young age, every day she is growing up and I am "losing" my baby a little bit. Sooner than I like to realize, she and I will be fighting over how much stomach that t-shirt shows (or whatever other teenage battle we'll engage in), and I'll be longing to hear her sweet little voice saying, "Mommy will you dance with me?" So every single time, no matter what I'm doing: chores, work, stealing a few selfish moments for myself, I drop it, and I gather that precious little Cinderella in my arms and I DANCE! I bury my face in that soft blond hair. I inhale of her big girl sweetness. I memorize the feeling of those tiny little arms squeezing my neck. And I dance.

That's what I tried to do yesterday. After all the stress and struggle and juggling, I reached over and took my husband's hand and danced. I enjoyed being alone with him. I enjoyed being at home with him. I danced.

I hope you take some time to dance today too. You won't regret it.

I'm not dead!!!!

That title is both an update and part of the lesson of this blog. I am not dead. I know I've had a long blog silence. All I can say is when you take a family of seven on vaca (even for two days) it takes a lot out of you!

Last week was Haugh Holiday. It is the day my mother and father met. When we were children, we celebrated that day by getting measured up against the closet door to see how much we had grown the past year and with a present of course (Kathi Haugh is ALL about presents ya know). Last year, we turned Haugh Holiday into a family reunion of sorts. All my parents children and grandchildren step away from the hustle and bustle of life for a little fun and a TON of bonding. This year took us to the Chula Vista resort in Wisconsin Dells and brought a lesson learned as well.

After packing up all six of us to go to the Dells and helping Auntie Marge get ready to spend a few days in Franklin, we were off to Oma and Poppa's. We measured all the grandbabies against the door and then headed out to the Machine Shed for breakfast. It was all fun and games until I blew out the pocket of my jeans. Seriously, I sat down and a tiny two inch worn spot (which was cute and trendy) turned into a foot long rip which revealed my unmentionables! A well placed jacket around the waist saved my dignity, the ripped jeans were chalked up to a GREAT story to add to the folk lore of Haugh Holiday, and on we went.

Well I don't know if it was bad luck or poor planning... (No one really thought to check all of the Spring Breaks around that state of Wisconsin.) Holy mother of pearl! That place was crowded! I have been to MANY waterparks in my lifetime, and I have NEVER seen one that was as crowded as the Chula Vista was last weekend! But the big punch it packed wasn't felt by the Kastners until much later. As we were driving home from the Dells, the itching began. Noah's legs, Jeremiah's stomach, Hannah's cutie bootie, and Elijah's whole body were assaulted with itching, the likes of which man has never seen before. We were all tired and itchy and ready to be home. As we got on I90, a teaching moment hit me from outta nowhere. I told the kids, "We are all tired, and we are all itchy from the chlorine. However, in every thing in life there is good and there is bad. We can choose to look at the good things or the bad things. That's our choice. So let's play a game!" We spent the next few miles going around the minivan taking turns listing three good things about Haugh Holiday. Time with Daddy. Time with my children. Jeremiah went on the scary ride with me. I got to spend time with my cousins. I saw The Squeakwel. We got to eat some GOOD food. I got to sleep in Riri's room. Before too long, the irritation of our itching had faded into the background and eyelids were beginning to droop. A much needed naptime commenced, and as I drove us home, I uttered a quick prayed that my children would learn the MARVELOUS lesson placed before them well. There is GOOD and BAD in EVERY situation. Focus on the good, and the bad starts to fade away.

Back to I'm not dead..... I returned from Haugh Holiday to find an avalanche of work awaiting me. It has been non-stop, long hours, many reports completed all week. We're back in one of those chaotic, "Mommy has to work a ton" times where granola bars and chips become the staple of our diet and to do items are piling up higher than dirty towels at the Chula Vista. But guess what???? The lesson of Haugh Holiday was not lost on ME! I am focusing on the positive: lots of hours = big paycheck! I have a job.....many people don't right now. The weather is BEAUTIFUL and is keeping my children busy while I work, work, work. And just like the title says, "I'm not dead!!!!!"

So come on, join the Kastner Kids. Play the game! What three things are you grateful for today? List them here! I'd love to hear them. And if you play my game, I PROMISE your situation will look a little better than it did 5 minutes ago.

God bless! And have a GREAT day!

My friend Shannon....

This morning as I drove into Franklin, it was very easy to sing God's praises. On the heels of an AMAZING blessing, it is EASY to be grateful, positive, chipper. Then all of a sudden the face of my dear friend Shannon popped into my head, and I felt a bit of conviction twinge in my heart. See Shannon, my dear Shannon, she can call me excited about her brand new job shoveling elephant poop at the zoo. Shannon can be positive about anything. She can make lemonade out of her house burning down or her arm falling off. She is the QUINTESSENTIAL cheerleader... completely adept at cheering VORACIOUSLY for her team all the way through the fourth quarter when they are down 127 - 0. She can do it! Her positive little face made me wince.

Sure it's easy to be that positive when something good just happened to me, but am I that positive when the bad stuff happens? Typically I can do a pretty good job of keeping my chin up during hard stuff, but I want more. I want my HEART to wear a Shannon smile. I want my HEART to rejoice in having a job shoveling elephant poop!

Life is going to give you lemon drops and lemons... The challenge my dear friends is to face BOTH with joy in your heart and praise on your lips. Yesterday, as we were taking a walk, AFTER we had been JUST given a HUGE blessing, God bestowed another small one on us. As we passed a house in our cul de sac, the owner pointed to a bike in his front yard and said, "We're getting rid of that bike. If you know anyone who wants it....." We now have a bike for both of the adults in our family! Noah looked at me and said, "Mom, God sure loves us hey?" I replied, "Yeah, He sure does, Noah. BUT He loves us just as much when we're suffering."

He is not any less good when bad things happen to us. He doesn't love us any less when the rain is falling. So I for one am purposing in my heart to pull out my cheerleader smile ALL the time and to work HARD to get that smile to reach all the way to my heart during the worst of the storms.

Funny what we take for granted.....

I have been suffering through an AWFUL back episode this week. The other day when I awoke, just wiggling my leg brought tears to my eyes. This morning as I tried to tie my shoe, I thought, "Funny what we take for granted." Normal days I just bend at the waist and tie my shoe completely taking for granted the fact that my back just allowed me to bend in that manner. You know how I am. I let my mind wander, and I wondered. What else do I take for granted?

Last night as I drove home from Franklin I turned on K-Love. I didn't catch the whole story, but they were talking about some woman. She had a degenerative back condition which required surgery, she had lupus and one other illness I can't remember. I thought CRUD! She has a lot on her plate medically. This morning I woke up and besides this terrible back ache, I was healthy. "Funny what we take for granted."

A few weeks ago I read the story about a man from our church, Jason Mentink. He was just 25 years old. At the end of January he died playing a game of basketball. He left a young widow and two little girls. Last night I went to bed beside my husband, and this morning I kissed him goodbye as he left for work. "Funny what we take for granted."

Last year my sister attended back-to-back funerals for two victims of childhood cancer. Those Mommas watched their children battle cancer and lose. Then they had to put their babies' bodies in coffins and bury them in the ground, no longer squeezing their arms around their precious children and now left only with the hope of squeezing them in eternity. As I type this I can hear the pounding of my children's feet as they run down the basement stairs. Yesterday I followed them around my parents' house trying to keep them from destroying stuff. Today I will fight with them to get their chores done with a good attitude. "Funny what we take for granted."

In January, 48 Laotian Christians were forced from their homes at gunpoint. Some had belongings confiscated. Some had their homes destroyed. When they refused to renounce Christ, they were forced to leave their village. I blabber on and on at this website about my God, my faith, my beliefs... I freely go to church and worship WHENEVER I want. I openly teach my children to love Jesus. "Funny what we take for granted."

The earthquake in Haiti toppled thousands of homes, leaving so many without a roof over their head..... No shelter from the elements... No place to put their things.... No safety and security from criminals... Today I will mutter about cleaning up my house. I may get a little chilly and stroll over to the thermostat and punch it up a few degrees. I might get hungry and walk over and open my refrigerator to find something to eat. I will likely lie down next to Hannah after lunch and sneak in a little nap in my warm cozy bed. "Funny what we take for granted."

What are you taking for granted today? When you bend down to tie your shoe, thank God that you can. If you are not dead, thank God you are still alive. Even if you're ailing, thank God it isn't worse. Whether your husband is bringing you roses or leaving his dirty laundry on the floor, thank God you have him. When you catch your children just after they've colored on the wall, thank God they are healthy enough to do that. If you love Jesus and plan to go to church this Sunday to worship Him, thank God you can do so without fear of retaliation. If you have a roof over your head and food in your refrigerator, thank God for those provisions. And if you have NONE of these things, thank Jesus that He died to save you from your sins. You at least have that!

God bless and have a GREAT Saturday!

Thankful Blog Part 5 - My Troubles

I am thankful for my troubles. They keep me real. They force me to depend more and more upon the Lord. The pain of them makes the joy of the good times so much richer.

I'm thankful that my marriage nearly fell apart this year, for what was broken has healed stronger than ever.
I'm thankful John had brain surgery, for it saved his life.
I'm thankful John was out of work, for it brought this family closer together.
I'm thankful that we have no idea how we will pay the rent again, for it will allows us to witness another miracle.
I'm thankful for the broken relationship in my life, for it teaches me to value the whole relationships I have.
I'm thankful for all the messes I have to clean up, for it means there are still little ones in this house creating the messes.
I'm thankful for my stretchmarks, for they are the evidence that this body bore 4 amazing babies.
I'm thankful that I live so far out in the boonies, for it has forced us to simplify and greatly reduced the craziness of our life.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful for all my troubles. They are really just differently wrapped gifts from God.

Thankful Blog Part 4 - My Family

I have the most amazing family in the world! We aren't perfect, and trust me we have got our CRAZY, but my family is loyal and true and faithful to a fault. No matter what, my family will support me... through the good and the bad... through the ugly and the pretty...

I am thankful for my mom. Everything I ever learned about how to love my children I got from my mom. She loves her children MADLY. She cherishes each and everyone of us dearly. My mother would literally give her heart if one of us needed a transplant. She is the most generous person. Most of all I am thankful that my mom loves Jesus. I am thankful that she made it a priority to give me a godly foundation for my life.

I am thankful for my dad. He was just a child when I was born... a mere 18 years old. And he did the best thing he could ever do for me; he loved my mom, he stayed married to my mom. I am thankful my dad was willing to work hard to provide a good life for us children. Again most of all I am thankful my dad loves Jesus.

I am thankful for my sister Jodi. I am thankful for her CONTINUAL and CONSTANT prayer support. I am grateful that in the middle of her husband being laid off she is worried about how she can minister to me in my time of need. I am grateful that no matter what whether she agrees with me or not she will love me and defend my right to believe what I believe and choose what I choose.

(Okay Riri... Here it is...your turn in the spotlight!)

I am thankful for my sister Cori. She is generous to a fault. She will give me or my children (or any of her family or friends) her last dime in order to make us smile. She has got my back! If someone hurts me or betrays me, that girl is RABID and straining at her leash waiting to ATTACK and rain vengenance on their head. She is funny. No matter what she can make me laugh. She does not judge me. I can always be exactly who I am with her and I know she won't judge me or offer unsolicited advice. She'll just listen and love. Finally, I am thankful for how much she loves my babies. So much in fact that some of them ask me frequently if they can go live with her.

I am thankful for my wonderful brother Seth who is the BEST uncle in the world to my children. I am thankful for my gramma, the matriarch of this wonderful, crazy family. She is supportive and amazing, and she folds some mean sock. I have an amazing Aunt and SUPER cousins.

I am blessed with the most amazing family and I am thankful for them this Thanksgiving.

Thankful Blog Part 3 - My Children

All I ever wanted to be was a Momma and a Wife. I went to college, had a career, but all along I was really hoping someone would marry me and make me a Momma. I laughed with WILD abandon at the movie 27 Dresses. While I didn't have quite 27 to my credit, I did have one summer where I was a bridesmaid in 3 weddings. WOWZER! It did for sure seem I would be "always a bridesmaid and never a bride." Then with lightening speed I met this man who fit my one and only, sole qualification: he loved Jesus. We married within 10 months and just 17 months after we married.... VOILA! I became a momma. It has been the most amazing, wonderful, excruciating, incredible experience I have EVER undertaken. It is everything I hoped of and everything I never realized it would be.

The one overarching thing I am most thankful for with regards to my children is how deeply, genuinely, and completely they love Jesus. It is amazing to me. Nine times out of ten, these children are the FIRST to say, "We should pray about that." They LOVE to go to Sunday school and AWANA. They just love Jesus. Jeremiah recently had this conversation with me,

"Mom I love you so much."
"I love you too baby."
"I love Jesus a lot too."
"I know you do baby."
"Is it okay if I love Jesus more than I love you."
"Absolutely Jeremiah. You should NEVER love anyone more than you love Jesus."
"Okay. Good."

Then from that point on he would frequently tell me and his siblings, "I love mom but I love Jesus more. You have to love Jesus more." Precious.

My time is quickly slipping away as we have to pack up our baked goodies and travel the hour into town for the Road Rally and Grand Feast, but I want to quickly mention a few more things for which I am thankful with regards to these children:

Noah James... my firstborn - I am grateful that this boy is so fiercely protective of his brothers, his baby sister, his momma, and actually any child or baby he meets. Our friends Brad & Amanda have a new baby and the few times she has been at our house, Noah follows her around making sure she doesn't get near the stairs, fall off a chair, or get into a toy which is not safe for her. This boy he is such a protector at heart. I am grateful for how completely he "gets" the things of God and desires to take in more and more knowledge about Him. I am grateful to this child for turning me into a mom.

Jeremiah David.... my sensitive one - This child sense when I am sad. He runs to comfort me if I cry. This summer was a tough one for this family and every time I dissolved into tears, I could count on his arms being quickly wrapped around my neck and his asking, "Mom can I pray for you?" That's the second thing: this child LOVES to pray for people. Everything that concerns him... every hurt he sees.... every need that occurs.... he takes to his God in prayer. I am thankful for how responsible and orderly Jeremiah is. If you ask Jeremiah to do something, if you give him a set of instructions to follow, you can count on the fact that every single i will be dotted and every single t will be crossed. I love that this boy has such a soft and moldable heart. If he is caught in a sin, he is QUICK to confess and make reparations. I am grateful to this child for making my job as a mom a little easier.

Elijah Daniel.... my oopsie baby - I always tell Elijah he is the best surprise God ever gave me. I joke that a child who was conceived in spite of TWO forms of birth control was destine to be resourceful, scrappy, determined. This boy is all of those things and some. My best parenting stories all stem from him: broken toilets - him, butter spread in the windowsill - him, poop in the stuffed Elmo's mouth - him... Elijah has given me most of my gray hair, but every time he ends up in one of his escapades I think of what my wise Momma always tells me, "You are not raising successful children. You are raising successful adults." And that resourcefulness will do him VERY well as an adult. I am thankful for this child's brain. I can frequently "see" it working behind those gorgeous eyes fringed in ridiculously long eyelashes. I am thankful for how energetically he attacks EVERYTHING in life. I am even grateful for how he knows EVERYTHING. I am grateful to this child for keeping me on my toes.

Hannah Elyzabeth... my little princess - I am thankful that God gave me a pretty little dollop of frosting on top of this amazing cake of children I have. She is EVERYTHING I hoped a girl would be: tender and tough, frilly and fierce.... part princess, part linebacker. I am thankful that God gave her imperfect eyes for it keeps her real. I am thankful that she is a little bit of each of her brothers: protective like Noah, sensitive like Jeremiah, impish like Elijah.... and yet COMPLETELY her own.... I have never seen a 3 year old who can command such attention from 3 older boys.... that little girl is like Hitler! She controls her brothers better than I do. Oh and I saved the best for last: If you ask Hannah what she wants to be when she grows up.... she says, "A cheerleader!" Perfection! I am grateful to this little girl for being my best buddy forever (pinky swear).

I can't end a blog about my children without a quick shout out to my step-babies. You know regretfully I don't know them as well as I wish I did. The past corrupted the present making the future very difficult to navigate. I, ever the optimist, am prayerful that God will continue doing His redeeming, healing work in their relationships with their daddy and the rest of us, and I am very grateful for the chance to be a part (no matter how small or big) of their lives.

Alex Joseph - I am grateful that he is a strong, brave, responsible man. I am grateful to him for sacrificing being with his beloved bride and his beautiful new children to travel across the ocean and fight to protect our freedoms.

Amanda Gene - I am grateful for Amanda's loving, giving, sacrificial heart. And this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the budding relationship I see growing between her and her daddy. God can do amazing things if you let Him and I am grateful that Amanda is letting him.

Amber Jade - I am grateful for this girl's spunk! This girl is scrappy and tough and (while this is slightly off topic) the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. My favorite story about Amber is one John LOVES to tell. She was young (idk maybe 3 or 4) and he took her to Chuck E. Cheese. Some kid tried to skip her on a ride and she hauled off and punched him in the face. Life will NOT take advantage of this girl and I am excited to see the woman she is going to become. I see her taking on life just like that kid at Chuck E. Cheese. It better not try to skip her or it will pay the price.

This Thanksgiving I am eternally grateful that God gave me what I wanted, sevenfold. I am the momma to 4 amazing children and the step-mother to 3 incredible adults. Thank you Jesus!