Too blessed to be stressed....

Do you ever just wonder what business God is about? Like I mean, I TRUST Him, and I KNOW that He has my best interest at heart; however, there are times when I just think, "Seriously God? Seriously?" The funny part is this is a RECURRING theme in my life. Almost always I have SO MUCH on my plate that any mere mortal would be in the loony bin from like HALF of what I'm dealing with... It makes me think, "Hmmmmm God what are you doing in this situation? What am I supposed to glean?" and I'm not gonna lie pretty frequently, "When will this all end!?!?!?!"

Take for instance today:

1. John is on the second day of being home with another neck/brain surgery setback. It was really VERY innocent. On Tuesday night, Hannah jumped up on him to hug him then she grabbed his chin to turn his head and give him a kiss, and POW! excruciating pain and he literally collapsed to the bed. Well, not really one to give up without a fight, John went to work on Wednesday but even during his commute when he called, I could tell he was in no shape to work. He was back home shortly after lunch and has not left bed since. The most ironic part of all of this is that on Sunday he said to me, "Babe, I have been trying to deny it for almost two days, but I think I have another kidney stone." Well I don't know how many of you recall that part of the saga. How in late 2008 - early 2009, John had three different bouts with kidney stones, and how one scan of his kidneys revealed "several" stones in the kidneys. AYE YI YI! REALLY!?!?!? So now this one week we are dealing with kidney stones AND brain surgery setbacks. The only good news is that now the pain from his neck is so severe that he can't feel the kidney stones moving.

2. Every now and then this telecommuting thing is not so fun. See Hannah infiltrated my office this morning and picked up my work phone when it was ringing. When I figured that out I wanted to PUKE! I just spent the morning doing damage control: apologizing to the reference, apologizing to the client, apologizing to my boss... My stomach is still in knots from the entire ordeal.

3. Our minivan... so yesterday I rejoiced to my family and even ALL of FB about the fact that our minivan repair, which had been estimated at $600 was only going to be $118.92. Then just before lunch I called to check on the status and the owner of the shop said, "Well that's just the first thing we're trying. We don't know for sure that is going to fix the whole problem. Didn't they tell you that?" Well, no, kind, balloon-popping sir, they did NOT tell me that... thanks for peeing on my parade! I have been CLINGING to my hope though and REFUSING to doubt. I am trying to BELIEVE that the first thing will be the only thing and this will STILL be a miracle from God; however, they STILL haven't called back about it.

So in the midst of all of this, I'm left to wonder a little:

God what are you doing in this situation??? (actually THESE situationS.) This morning I read this out of Hebrews 12:7a Endure hardship as discipline; and from Hebrews 12:11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. I have mused before about why we suffer, but this week as I've been reading in Hebrews I have been hearing over and OVER from God, "WHY you suffer doesn't matter. HOW you suffer DOES!" Take the suffering... take the hardship... as discipline. Discipline doesn't only mean punishment. Discipline also means training. When we endure hardships, we should consider ourselves to be "in training." Now John and I have been in training A LOT since we've been married. I keep telling myself, athletes training for the Olympics require MUCH MORE discipline than those training for a recreation department athletic event. So I keep soothing myself by imagining myself as an Olympic athlete.

What am I supposed to glean??? This question has SO many answers for my situation today. Some of them I am sure have not even been brought to my attention yet. But so far here is what I have:

1. the body is a frail thing. It cannot be cut open and have a portion of it's skull removed without far-lasting implications.

2. pain is sooooooooo relative. Kidney stone pain seems excruciating; however, when compared to the pain of the side-effects from brain surgery... it becomes minute. That is an IMPORTANT lesson... because the stress of having a sick husband, a big boo boo at work, an out of commission minivan can look pretty HUGE but when compared to the stress of _________ it could become minute.

3. EVERYONE makes mistakes. EVERYONE has snafus. See I live in this terrible world where I expect Jami Lynn Kastner to be perfect. One tiny mistake... One tiny screw up.... and I am spiraling out of control, hating myself, thinking I'm worthless. Yes I SHOULD have shut the door to my office. Yes I SHOULD have noticed sooner that Hannah was not upstairs. But EVERYONE makes mistakes. I have to learn to deal with that.

4. Do not EVER let Satan steal your joy. I was dancing around, bawling yesterday when they called to tell me that the van would be $118.92. Then after the second call I couldn't quite conjure up dancing. My parade had been metaphorically peed on, but I still REFUSED to stress or worry about it being more costly. I chose to keep my mind trained on the $118.92 and I REFUSED to look at the $600 looming in the distance. See that is a CHOICE! We ALLOW Satan to steal our joy. We ALLOW Satan to make us worry. We can CHOOSE not to give him that power.

5. God is God over ALL of this too. He is God over John's neck pain. He is God over John's kidneys too. He is God over John's job and this time spent out of work. He is God over my job and the issues Hannah caused. He is God over our minivan and its possessed taillights. He is God!

Finally, to my last question:

When is this all going to end??? I have longed for a VERY long time from relief from continual and constant "testing of my faith"... I know! I know! it's "developing perseverance." I know! I know! "Perseverance must finish its work." I know! I know! that when perseverance finishes its work I will be "mature and complete.... not lacking anything." But guess what???? I am TIRED and I think my faith has been tested enough! But here's the answer to my question... Even if it NEVER ends. Even if this is what the REST OF MY LIFE looks like: wounded husband, tight finances, enough stress on my plate to feed a family of seventeen.... I will STILL praise Him, AND I am STILL too blessed to be stressed!

God has given me more than I could ever ask for. More than I could ever imagine. Whether He has me walking down sunny paths with flowers lining the way or trudging up a rocky cliff with my blood trailing behind... It doesn't matter because I will never stop loving Him and I will never stop believing that I am blessed.

Cleansing my soul....

This morning a friend's Facebook status (Sarah Bowling) caught my attention: it said, "I think ever so often we should consider doing a soul cleanse - just some food for thought." I immediately took this idea to my bff. "What do you think, Hon? Are you game?"

Together we started pondering the idea of a soul cleanse. We are SUCH huge fans of cleansing diets. While we never seem to make it all the way through one, we still believe deeply in the concept of cleansing toxins from one's body. So the idea of doing a cleanse for our souls really appealed to us.

We started thinking through what a cleansing diet involves: eliminating junk food and increasing healthy food.... the result of which is a cleansing of toxins from one's body. Then we marinated on how could we fashion a "cleansing diet" for our souls.

First we contemplated what things are junk food to our soul. Junk food in our diet isn't necessarily evil, but it does fill our bellies with food that does not bring much nutritive benefit to our bodies. There are things in our life that do the same thing to our spirits. They are not necessarily evil or sinful, in and of themselves, but they fill our time with stuff that does not bring much benefit to our spirit. We tried to identify what things in our life have little to no spiritual value. The list John and I came up with included: secular music, talk radio, and TV. We decided these things, while not "sin," are taking up space that could be filled with more spiritual pursuits.

Next we contemplated what is spiritual health food. What are the good things we should increase in our daily spiritual "diet" in order to eliminate spiritual toxins. We thought, "How can we get more God into our lives?" These spiritual "health foods" boiled down to three things: 1. Prayer 2. Reading the Word 3. Worship. We started thinking through our schedules and coming up with ways to get more and more of these three things into our lives.

One thing we change we have ABSOLUTELY got to make is: we have to get back to church! Car problems have kept us from traveling the 40 minutes to church for months now. We need a BIG repair to fix the problem and are not able to drive long distances right now. Today we spent some time searching for an "interim" church, and we found one just 15 minutes away! Even if it isn't the church where our hearts are, at least we will be at church. And who knows! Maybe God has plans for us at this "interim" church.

Another thing we are committing to: Family Worship. For a long time in the beginning of 2009, our family faithfully worshiped together on Friday nights. We would spend an hour or so, praising and worshiping, dancing and clapping, crying and praying. It was an AMAZING thing. However, somehow when the storms started we let that habit fall to the wayside. It is being revived again this week. In fact, this week we are going to try to do Family Worship EVERY SINGLE night! (Some of you BETTER keep me accountable and ask how many times we actually did it!) Then after our cleansing week ends, we plan to return to weekly Family Worship times.

It didn't take long as we were hatching these plans, for me to feel my stomach drop with the realization that Satan was NOT going to like this. I wanted to throw up, but yet I was not really deterred. See quick rewind back to 2009. John and I were ON FIRE for God! We were praying fervently and faithfully for a revival in our church. We were working hard to lead the youth of our church closer and closer to Christ. Using Facebook, I started a prayer group. I spent nearly every morning praying through long lists of requests, some from people I didn't even know personally. We might as well have been waving a red cape in front of a raging bull. John even posted on Facebook one day, "Bring it on Satan." Only we didn't fully realize how what we were doing was going to stir of the forces of the evil realm, and I don't think either of us had a healthy enough respect for what exactly Satan is capable of. So when Satan charged at us we didn't have our eyes on him, we weren't prepared for his attack. He blindsided us from what seemed like out of NOWHERE. He brought weapons to the fight that we didn't even know existed, and while he did not win (for he NEVER does) at the end of the battle John and I found ourselves face down in mud that was tinged with our own blood. Gravely but not fatally wounded, we found ourselves with a new appreciation for Satan's crafty power, a sickening realization of our frail, wicked humanity, and a triumphant assurance of His sovereignty, goodness, and never-ending, loving, kindness.

But this time I feel we will weather the battle better. I stopped the second I got that sick realization that we were about to HACK off the devil. I went to John, and we agreed in prayer, covering our entire family, our possessions, our relationship with the blood of Christ. I know we are about to make the devil a very unhappy camper, but this time we are ready for him. I don't want to fight him again. I don't relish the thought of battling him, especially since we really haven't even recovered from the last series of skirmishes. But I want MORE of God in my life. I want to know Him more deeply. I want to love Him more completely. I want to reflect Him more clearly. And if I have to fight to get that, so be it.

Last night we watched Independence Day. (I LOVE that movie! However, during our soul cleansing it will not be on the list of approved pursuits.) After an air battle with an alien which results in a crash, Will Smith opens the alien craft to find the alien inside is STILL alive. He punches the thing full in the face and knocks it unconscious. That scene inspired me! His character had just finished a grueling dogfight in which his best friend was killed. He was tired and weary yet when he saw the enemy was still writhing he rose to the challenge and knocked that alien OUT!

I too have been through a grueling battle. The past 12 months have been wrought with battles. My husband, my marriage, my family, my very life, and everything I hold dear have been threatened. I am tired and weary, but I tell you what, I am NOT going to go down without a fight! I am going to keep on taking swings at that crafty old snake, and I will crush him under my foot because I am a child of the King and MY SIDE WINS IN THE END! No matter how many stupid little battles Satan appears to have won along the way, in the end WE WIN!

So I am inspired and motivated, and I am girding up my loins for battle. But I am also reaching out my hands to my Father the King, expectantly and confidently waiting for Him to fill my begging hands with good and amazing things from above.

I'm going to do my best to chronicle this journey here daily. I will try as hard as I can to be as transparent as possible and let you all walk with us through this cleansing of our souls... I don't think it will be easy. I'm reminded of the vomiting that occurred the time I tried to begin my new year with a cleansing diet but the shock of caffeine withdrawal had me nauseated by the severe headache pain. I'm thinking that a spiritual cleansing might not be much more pleasant than that. However, I full, well believe that the benefits of cleansing my soul will FAR outweigh the benefits of any kind of cleansing of my physical body.

So here we go! Project soul cleansing begins when I wake up this morning. One week of eliminating spiritual junk food and increasing spiritual health food. I have made a list in my journal of "toxins" that I hope God will purge out of my soul and breakthroughs I hope He will bring. But I FULL WELL expect that at the end of this week, the list of actual toxins purged and actual breakthroughs made will far exceed my expectations and will be exceedingly more than anything I could ask for or hope for.

In the world not of it........

To wear words on one’s butt or not, that is the question that plagues me today. Really it is a much broader issue that is on my heart: where do we draw the line TODAY between acceptable and not acceptable for a Christian. The questions that sprout from this are infinitesimal including much more than wearing words across the rear end. For our family right now they include things like: should one be allowed to choose soccer practice over AWANA and should a boy be allowed to get his ears pierced. Your family may be dealing with different questions:

Should my child get a Facebook account?
What’s the right age for a child to get a cell phone? Wear makeup? Go on a date?
Can my child be emo and be a Christian?

They all boil down to this same thing: how much of the world should we be letting into our lives, into our children’s lives. I think that children/youth of this generation have it harder than any generation prior to them. Never before have there been SO many doorways of temptation which lead to sin available. Sexting, internet predators, pop-up porn ads, pharming, huffing, sex parties THESE are the things today’s children and youth are being bombarded with every single day. Back in the day, all I had to "say no" to was drinking, pot and sex. That was about it! Today the things kids have to say no to are so much harder.

Which leads me back to words on one's butt.... seriously what's the harm of a playful slogan or two across your rear end... "princess" or "sweetheart" that's tame enough right? Or what about showing support of your team with a well placed "Sabers!" or "2010"... But just because what's written there isn't sleazy doesn't make the words on the butt issue any less controversial. My husband has VOWED that Hannah will NOT wear any writing across her rump. He says that will just encourage boys to look at her butt and call attention to it. I'm not sure what I think or what we'll end up doing with that issue. In parenting John and I are called OVER and OVER again to deliberate the question, "Is THIS issue worth fighting with our child over?" So I don't know where we'll be when she's 13 or 15 or 17, but this I do know: The Bible is silent on this issue. It does not say, "Thou shalt not display slogans across thy derriere." Therefore, we are left to mull through the muddy waters of modesty by ourselves. I guess the only answer is that John & JamiKastner have to determine for OUR family what is right. No one else can make that choice for us. We are the parents given the responsibility for raising Hannah Elyzabeth Kastner. We are the ones who will be held accountable for how she is parented. Therefore, we have to make the decision of whether her rear-end will be allowed to become a billboard or not. I truly don't know what we'll decide. But I do know that what "other kids are doing" will not affect my decision, and it shouldn't affect yours either.

Wouldn't it be great if we all did this? If we stopped worrying about whether someone else listens to secular music or sports a tattoo or has a glass of wine with dinner? Last week in church our pastor said something I underlined, circled AND highlighted in my program, "That's between you and Jesus!" I agree with him wholeheartedly. I believe you need to get with your God and determine if that is the language He wants coming out of your mouth or if that is the establishment He wants you visiting. The rest of us need to get our noses out of your business and let you and God get down to the brass tacks of the matter.

When we hear an F-bomb fly out of someone's mouth, why is it that we assume the person who dropped it must not be a Christian or if they are a Christian they haven't learned to "tame their tongue." How would we feel if we learned that person who just let that cuss word fly had just received word their child has leukemia or had just found out their mother was killed in a tragic accident or had just gotten confirmation that their spouse was cheating on them. I'm not advocating being a potty mouth here, and I actually do think it is possible to remain Christlike even under the WORST of stress. But (and that's a BIG HUGE BUT there) I am advocating less turning up of noses and more trying to understand. I am telling you that even VERY godly people when pushed to the very edge of what they can tolerate may reveal an imperfection or two.

I love the saying, "Hate the sin. Love the sinner." I don't have to agree with your language to love you. I don't have to listen to the same kinda music as you do to love you. And I can love you (and your daughter) whether you wear words on your butt or not. Good luck everyone! Helping these babies navigate their way through the evil of this present world is a difficult job! I'm praying for all of you as you hash out the nitty gritty of these issues. God go with you!

My mom the superhero....

***1.5 mile walk to soccer practice = exhausting
***updating Facebook status to read, “Jami is sitting at soccer practice…NOT looking forward to the 1.5 mile walk home.” = easy
***having a mom who is on Facebook and then comes to rescue you with a ride home = priceless

When I answered my cell phone to my mother’s greeting of, “We can come pick you up at soccer practice.” I was a little confused. How did she know I did not want to walk home from practice? Geesh! Maybe I’m not just talking out of my butt when I tell my kids, “Don’t you dare! I know what you’re thinking!” Then she said, “I was just on Facebook…” and I thought, “Praise God for a mom who is on Facebook!” She and my brother Seth hightailed it up to the middle school and saved me from a 1.5 mile walk accompanied by four WHINING children. For two months or so I had been playing drowning victim to my mother’s role of just-in-time lifeguard saving the day. Over and over again, she would breeze in with a cheerful, “Here I am to save the day!” It made me so grateful I have a mom who is so generous and giving. It also really got me thinking, and I realized two things:

1. You are never too old to need your Momma.

2. I am glad that God has a bit of superhero in Him too.

I'm glad that He swoops in proclaiming, “Here I am to save the day!” But is He really saving the day? Or does it just appear that way to us? Does our perspective make us think He is a superhero, when instead He is really a Master Builder with a perfect plan?

This week the kids and I attempted to make a paper mache piñata for school (HUGE failure, but yeah that's not the point of this story). We started with a balloon. The kids kept saying, "How are we going to get the candy in that balloon? It doesn't make sense." I told them, "I have a plan just watch and see." Then we covered it with the wet, messy, gloppy newspaper soaked in paste and they said, "How are we gonna get the candy in there?" I said, "I have a plan just watch and see." As we tied a string around it for the hanger, they said, "How are we going to get the candy in there?" I said, "I have a plan just watch and see." They were so darn focused on getting that silly candy into the piñata that they were missing out on learning the process of making a piñata!

God called my mind towards the struggles in my life. When I say to Him, "How are you going to turn THIS around for your glory?" He says to me, "I have a plan just watch and see." When I bug Him with, "How in the world are you going to get me outta THIS?" He says to me, "I have a plan just watch and see." When I scream at Him, "Why God!?!? Why!?!?" He says to me, "I have a plan just watch and see." But I stay SO focused on the rescue, SO focused on getting to the end of the struggle that I have to wonder if I get all I need to out of the process of the struggle.

So again I ask you: When God "swoops in to save the day," is He really saving the day? I don't think so. I think the "rescue" was a part of His plan all along. It just feels like He gets there in the nick of time from our perspective. All along when we were crying out for help and for understanding, He was saying, "I have a plan; just watch and see."

It is sooooooo very hard, but I am going to start trying harder to get ALL I can out of the process of the struggle. I am still going to cry out to God, "Rescue me! Save me! Show me how this all makes sense!" I am still going to wonder, "How are we gonna get the candy in there?" But I am tired of being so focused on the piñata candy that I don't learn how to make the piñata.

Will you try along with me? Will you try to focus on the process of your struggles? Will you try to stop and look around you and see what God wants you to learn when you are face down in the mud and the mire? He WILL save the day. There is NO doubt about that! So slow down and LEARN while His plot unfolds, because He has a plan; just watch and see.

Blessed are the peacemakers...

Elijah HATES covers. I'm not sure why, but more than once this hatred has caused me a loss of sleep. It did again last night. I awoke shivering and realized I had NO covers on me. I sat up found my covers and pulled them up to my chin, but almost instantly he started whining and kicked them back off. Too tired to fight him to return to his OWN BED or STOP kicking my covers off, I just got up and stumbled off to find an empty bed in our house to sleep in.

As I picked up my phone (which is my alarm), I noticed my indicator light was blinking red. What I found waiting for me was a VICIOUS comment about my blog on Hannah Montana. It was vicious to me (called me a "liberal sinner posing as a Christian") and vicious to Hannah Montana (called her an "abomination"). I rejected the comment, but its words kept swirling around in my head.

What to do? What to do? The comment was RIDICULOUSLY confrontational; therefore, it included an e-mail address in case I wanted to debate. I could reply, "Did you even read this blog before you blasted me and Hannah Montana?" or I could simply reply with scripture, "And over all these virtues put on love...." (Colossians 3:14) However, in the end I chose to take the wise advice of my 16-year old cousin (as professed through her Facebook status just yesterday), "Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction." (Alex Lawson... who may have pirated it from someone else but who cares? for my purposes she gets the credit.)

I decided not to reply, but the whole experience got me thinking... Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Matthew 5:9 SEVERAL situations I am facing right now came to my mind, and as I thought through each of them in the context of this verse I realized.... The best choice is always to try to make peace.

"But Jami," you say, "you have NOT met my _______________ (fill in the blank as you see fit: mother, friend Mildred, husband, neighbor). He/She is IMPOSSIBLE to make peace with." I say to you, "PSHAW!" Peace is ALWAYS possible. Here are a few things to consider:

1. Say nothing. When someone says something confrontational to you, when someone tries to pick a fight with you, when someone attacks you, it is very wise to remain silent. When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19) Sometimes the best way to "fight back" is to say NOTHING! My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, (James 1:19) You do not HAVE to even reply when someone tries to bait you into an argument or simply says something negative or rude to you.

2. Respond with scripture. If you absolutely MUST respond to a confrontational person or in a confrontational situation, the safest avenue may be to respond with scripture. Recently I was in a VERY painful situation. I was leery of even well-meaning people's misplaced comments. Wisely assessing how difficult the situation was, my mother responded with an e-mail that contained nothing but scripture. It was the BEST response she could have given. DISCLAIMER: you canNOT respond with divisive scripture planned to defensively get back at the person. Choose scriptures about peace, love, and prayer instead.

So there you go.... I am choosing not to fight back (I guess I'm not TRULY choosing silence as I did blog about it, but I am not responding to the outlandish and vicious attacks in that comment.) I am claiming (and standing upon) this promise:

Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. (James 3:18)

Thankful Blog Part 2 - My Hubby

Apparently when I was single, I came off as quite picky about guys. A former student I recently reconnected with on Facebook informed me I told them I would never marry someone whose thighs were smaller than mine. I don't recall that, but I do remember measuring the height of my head in order to add that figure to my height and determine what would be the perfect height guy. In my head, perfect was tall enough to place his chin on top of my head.

When push came to shove and I met John, all I ever wanted was a man who loved God. I knew that marriage would have ups and downs, but I believed that if I just found someone who loved my Jesus with all of him we could work through the tough times. We have had a rough year and a half's worth of testing that theory. It has proven to be true, but the tough times of the past eighteen months have revealed many things to me about this man I married, and I am grateful for EVERY single one of them.

John J. Kastner:
*is the hardest working man I have ever met
*loves me fiercely and lavishly and completely
*lays down his pride for me on a daily basis
*loves his children and is RABIDLY protective of them
*is handy and resourceful
*has a thirst for the things of God
*is good at math and LOVES to teach our children it
*loves to worship unabashedly and completely
*is hysterically funny and terrifyingly surprising
*loves Jesus with ALL of him

Oh and one more thing, he is tall enough to place his chin right on top of my head.

This Thanksgiving I am eternally thankful for my hubby.

Sometimes I get scared....

I awoke wedged between John and a naked Hannah with Elijah's foot shoved squarely in the place I use to expel waste from my body. Hannah had obviously had an accident for she was in my bed naked with a towel wrapped around her. Elijah is like a stealth bomber, because earlier in the night he had tried to invade the sanctity of my bed, but I awoke and sent him back to his own domain. This time he presented a sneakier attack, entering at the foot of the bed and placing his head there. Hence the foot in my "private area." I tried to fall back to sleep. Honestly I did. But I couldn't stop thinking about Hannah's bare butt on my JUST-cleaned-and-dried-on-the-line-in-the-crisp-fall-air sheets. When I tried to crowd that thought out (trusting that she had peed the bed once in their room she wouldn't pee again in mine) then other thoughts of bills and CT scans and Internet outages which resulted in work not being completed began to crowd in.

Finally, I extricated myself from the narrow slice of bed I had been allotted. After stumbling down the hallway to retrieve a Pull-up, I took care of problem number one: Hannah's bare butt. Then I proceeded to the living room with the laptop and spent some time with Pieces of Flair on Facebook. Finally, realizing that none of this was wedging out the gloom and doom thoughts attacking me, I logged onto Netflix and BAWLED like a baby over Friday Night Lights (why DOES everyone leave Matt Saracen?!?!?! He is a GOOD kid! He takes care of his gramma, stays in school, holds down a job, and he is QB One!!!!) Finally it was 5 a.m. and the day could start, I climbed in the shower and the tears came. That's when I realized: sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm weak, and sometimes I'm scared.

Sometimes I'm tired. I don't want to get up and start working at the crack of dawn in order to be able to start teaching the kids when they wake up and to pick up other people's dirty underwear and do ONE MORE load of laundry! I don't want to sleep wedged between two people I love with the foot of a third person I love shoved up into my woohoo. I don't want to be sleep deprived and exercise deprived and free-time deprived! I miss sleeping. I miss working out. I miss lying in a tanning bed. I miss reading a book. Sometimes I am just T-I-R-E-D!

Sometimes I'm weak. Guess what? I am NOT a woman's lib-er. I do not WANT to be "woman hear me roar." I feel no need to prove that I can do everything a boy can do.... better. I have no problem with the division of labor around my normal house. I have no problem admitting there are things John can do that I can't do.... that I have NO desire to do. I have no desire to be the one knocking down wasp hives and rewiring the Internet connection and dealing with water leaks. I don't want to lie in bed at night hearing the normal night noises and knowing that if an abnormal noise occurs, I have to deal with it myself. Sometimes I'm weak.

Sometimes I'm scared. I'm scared about our finances. Yes God is taking care of our needs day-by-day. We have food in the house right now and our rent has been paid this month. I think I have enough to cover the energy bill and I'll probably be able to pay the cable and cell phones this month, but what about when the medical bills start flooding in? What about when John goes back to work but has to pay back all the insurance premiums he owes? What about when he can only return to one job until he's strong enough for two (one job doesn't pay our bills) and what about if he loses that second job because it is not protected by FMLA? Sometimes I'm scared.

I find myself here at the end of a VERY grueling summer. I have been pushed and prodded, molded and shaped, purified and tested beyond ANYTHING I have ever faced before. I am tired. I am weak. I am scared. But I am also SURE.... sure that my God is bigger than my exhaustion... sure that my God is bigger than my weakness.... sure that my God is bigger than my fear.... sure that there WILL be beauty from my pain.

At the risk of becoming redundant, I must again defer to the wisdom and majesty of the theology of the great band Superchick. This song of theirs is one of my favorites. It haunts my soul. It is poignant. It is gut-wrenchingly real. It is a balm to my soul. Hope you enjoy.

Beauty from Pain
Superchick

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Thoughts on jealousy

Last night John and I watched Not Easily Broken. It was at least a “3-cry” movie. It is about marriage and is based on a novel by T.D. Jakes. At one point, the wife confronts the husband because she suspects he is having an affair. She asks, “Did you sleep with her?” He tells her he did not, but he tells her he does have feelings for the other woman. The wife collapses back against her pillow deeply wounded and says, “She’s stolen your heart from me?” The scene was especially poignant for me.

I have long maintained that it would be much worse if my husband had an emotional affair then it would be if he had a physical affair. It would hurt much more to know that his heart had been captivated by another woman. Perhaps that is why Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:27 – 28 He knew that a sin does not have to be carried all the way through to commission to bring devastating results.

John gets irritated when I am on the computer when he is home. It does not matter if I am on the computer writing or working or if I am on the computer playing on Facebook or chatting. It drives him nuts! This week it came up during the American Idol finale. I was rapidly commenting, chatting, and posting on Facebook during the finale. He was hurt and irritated because he was sitting right there and I still had to be on Facebook conversing with other people. As I walked up the stairs to go to bed that night, God started ministering to me: John has a right to be jealous. You have very little time with him home. He has a right to be jealous when you spend some of that precious time ignoring him. Then God took it further by showing me jealousy is not a sinful emotion, even He feels jealousy.

For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24. God wants my affections, my time, my HEART! How it must wound Him when someone or something else steals my heart from Him. Lately my life has heated up to a rapid boil. The first things to be sacrificed on my altar of craziness always seem to be: prayer and Bible study. I let my heart be stolen by a stupid job, by needing a cleaner house, by Facebook over and over and over again, and God has a right to be jealous!

My God and my husband, in that order, deserve my whole heart. They have a right to be jealous when I allow busyness, socializing, even service to steal my heart away from them. So today I am going to purpose in my heart to stop giving my heart away to others, to strive for a better balance (even in the busy times) which gives my God and my husband their proper places in my heart.

Fearfully and wonderfully made

This weekend God spoke loudly and clearly to me about being kinder to myself. I went to a birthday party for a friend I went to high school with. She and I have not seen each other since graduation, but through this wonderful thing called Facebook we have recently reconnected. Let me tell you all, this woman is doing forty WELL! She looks gorgeous! I did not see a wrinkle on her. She is either not graying or she is covering it up VERY well. She is fit and tan and well-dressed and adorable! You know what? I heard her say so many negative things about herself that night. I stood there trying not to gouge out her eyes with my jealousy realizing she did not see ANY of the things I was seeing!

I wanted to shout at her, “Be kind to yourself!” You are thinner than many others our age. You look way younger than forty. You are funny and sweet, and you have a heart of gold! Stop being so mean to yourself! All of a sudden I realized, I do the very same thing. My inner demons wanted to fight back, “But she is skinny! You are not.” I started to rationalize that she did not deserve to be so hard on herself, but I deserved my own self-abuse. But God wouldn’t let me go. He whispered to my heart and screamed to my soul, “I made you! You are my creation! You are fearfully and wonderfully made!”

As I rapidly approach my fortieth birthday (23 days and counting), I am so sad that I still have not completely learned to love myself. Yet realizing that I will always be a work in progress, I am trying very hard to remind myself to stop focusing on all the things I dislike about myself. I am trying to be kinder to myself. When I think negative thoughts about myself, I try hard to dismiss them immediately and move along.

I hope that this blog will reach out to any of you who struggle with your self-image. As Christians, I really don’t think God wants us spending too much time focusing on improving the way we think about ourselves. Every minute we spend with our eyes on our own self is one minute we could have been focusing on Him. However, at the same time, I cannot imagine that our Creator enjoys being told by His creation that He did not do a good enough job either. Today when you look in the mirror, don’t you dare grimace. When you step on the scale, don’t let out a sigh of disgust. When you want to cut yourself down or think negative thoughts about yourself, try something different. Try saying this: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14. I think you'll find that it is hard to be negative when you are praising God. I also hope you will find comfort and come to believe that you ARE fearfully and wonderfully made.

The upside of Facebook....

I am well aware of the inherent dangers of Facebook and other social networking sites of its kind. However, lately I have been celebrating the positive aspects of Facebook. The whole entire concept of these social networking sites is connecting people. For me, one of the best parts of Facebook is re-connecting with old friends, former students, cheerleaders I used to coach. I love hearing where their lives are right now and learning of the journey God used to get them there.

Almost a month ago, I stumbled upon the Facebook page of an old friend from high school. I used my stellar Facebook stalking skills to catch up on where life had taken him. I ended up with tears in my eyes and prayers heavy on my heart. His wife is currently pregnant with their fourth and fifth children. To make a very long medical ordeal succinct: one of the twins in her womb has died, and its death has put a terrible strain on the other twin. Reading of their journey through this loss and their fight for their other child's life reminded me of the amazing power of our great God and inspired me to aspire to the kind of pure and strong faith to which they are clinging.

In the days following my reconnection with the Veldhuyzen-Van Zanten Family, the Kastner family struggled through a deep, dark valley too. The vast outpouring of support I received from my Facebook friends buoyed me through the storm. A plan started to hatch in my brain, “This thing called Facebook, why don’t I grab hold of it and use it for God’s good?” Thus began Jami’s Prayer Room. I invited all my Facebook friends, and I asked them to post their requests at the group site or e-mail me if their request was of a more sensitive nature. The rapid enlistment rate and the flood of requests was amazing! This group is flourishing, people are being touched, and God is being glorified.

This inspires me! What other things around me can I use for God’s glory? The possibilities are endless! I can use my bleeding, over-sensitive heart for good by praying every single time I feel a twinge of empathy or concern. I can use my love for cooking and entertaining to reach out and minister to the sick and lonely. I can use my writing to draw people’s thoughts to God.

Which leads us to my question of the day: What in your life can be used for His glory? What gifts, struggles, even weaknesses can you use for the glory of God? Seize those opportunities, TODAY! It will not just bless others; it will in turn bless you too.

(I would love to hear about your plans to glorify Him. Please leave them as comments here.)

Bare Naked Honesty

Bare-Naked Honesty... This is the theme of the current season God is leading me through. I feel He wants me to be bare-naked honest about the things I am going through right now. I am sure there are many reasons that he has called me to this level of exposure, but the two which have been most recently revealed to me are:

1. I have available to me through my family, my church and even Facebook a VAST network of support. Without bare-naked honesty, no one knows how or when to pray for me. Without bare-naked honesty, no one knows how bad things really are. Without bare-naked honesty, no one can reach out and help us.

2. Another reason God wants me to be so open and honest is because of the blessing it is to others. Sometimes others are blessed by being witness to miraculous answers to our prayers, and sometimes they are blessed with hope as I share the depths of the darkness we have walked through and reveal that not once in the past has God EVER let us down.

But as in all things there is a dark and nasty side to all this bare-naked honesty. Imagine it this way for a moment. You are standing in the middle of a huge arena filled with all your friends and family. Some of these who fill this audience are merely acquaintances, your sixth grade teacher or that guy you vaguely remember from college. Others seated in this arena are intimately acquainted with you; they changed your diapers or have been your best friend since the second grade. All these people fill the seats, waiting for what you have to tell them.

You stand in the middle of a full court with cameras projecting your image onto that huge scoreboard screen above, and you drop your robe to stand there in nothing but your birthday suit. Your purpose for this is noble. Your nakedness is not for the mere sake of nakedness. It is for a higher purpose. It is to reveal your needs to others. It is to encourage and even warn
others.

Yet those around you start to point and snicker at the stretch marks that zig zag across your abdomen. They shake their heads and whisper, “That flab around her middle. That is why she is going through this.” Not everyone is laughing or judging. In fact, as you look closer, you see that it is really only a handful. Almost the entire arena has now stopped to bow their heads and pray for you. Yet those few mockers, those few judges, and even those well-meaning ones who like Job’s dear friends are trying to offer advice but are really just pouring more salt in your tender wounds, they are the ones that stand out. Their laughter, finger pointing, even their “friendly advice” seems to drown out all the prayers you hear being offered.

What is a person to do? “Grab your robe and cover up!” That’s the first thing your heart screams. You should have never opened up. You should never have tried this stupid thing called bare-naked honesty. But back in a little corner of your soul, you hear God quietly whisper, “Surely I desire truth in the innermost parts.” “Scream and shout and fight your cause to them!” That’s your brain talking now. It’s telling you to defend yourself, to present the 3-point sermon you devised in your head before you convinced yourself to drop the robe as God commanded. God counters, “Be still and know that I am God.” What does that mean? I am standing here, exposed and vulnerable. “Look up to ME!” thunders the voice in your soul. And finally you get it.

It doesn’t matter how others respond to your bare-naked honesty. It matters that you did what God told you to do. So get your eyes off the crowd. Turn your eyes up to the One to Whom your pleas are directed, to the One Who has the power to redeem you, to the One to Whom all praise and honor and glory are due.

I do not know what season you are currently walking through right now, but I know that no matter what it is that last sentence applies to your situation. It applies to you who are begging God to heal your children. It applies to you who are unsure how you are going to put meals on the table to feed your children. It applies to you who are walking through what very well might be the last days of your life. Turn your eyes up to the One to Whom your pleas are directed, to the One Who has the power to redeem you, to the One to Whom all praise and honor and glory are due.