Selfish with responsibility

[Blog writers disclaimer:  I started this blog and halfway through kiddos started waking up.  I plodded on because my heart really needed to get this out, but I was bombarded by nearly CONSTANT interruptions and I have NO idea if this blog will make ANY sense or not.]

This week brought some rough encounters for me.  By Friday I was cowering in the corner licking my wounds.  I was contemplating complete hermit status to protect myself from the viciousness of the outside world.  However, this morning as I came awake, God spoke the answer to me, "Jami, you have to worry about your OWN self!"

See I spent the week reeling from and obsessing over painful blows dealt me by filter-deficient people, biased treatment, and being misunderstood.  I was starting to feel like pulling my head, arms, and legs inside my shell and hiding away for awhile.  I moaned and complained to God, "This hurts and I don't want to got through it!"  Last night I was at breaking point.  I went to bed with a wounded heart and defeated spirit.  But I awoke with hope and a path of action.

God revealed to me that I needed to get the focus off the pain that was inflicted upon me, and put the focus on what I could do to avoid those situations in the future.  See people are ALWAYS going to be fallible.  They are going to hurt me and let me down.  But in those situations, instead of obsessing over my pain and pointing the finger, God wants me to turn the finger around and figure out something I could do better.  If I've said it once, I've said it a MILLION times:  I am the ONLY one I have the power to change!

I am a self-admitted conflict-a-phob who has taken the directive from James (be slow to speak) a little too seriously.  I am WAY too likely to just absorb something painful in the spirit of peace.  However, constantly keeping my mouth shut gives people some type of permission to continue to ambush me with unfiltered comments, to assault me with unwanted advice, and to basically walk all over me.  Yes blessed are the peacemakers; however, being a peacemaker doesn't have to look like being a doormat.

This morning I have been mulling over the same wounds I was licking last night.  However, instead of cowering in the corner and whimpering over them, I've been examining them and posing the question to myself, "What should I have SAID in those situations to calmly but honestly express myself?"  SEVERAL months ago, a friend gave me some wisdom on this type of situation...  I'm not sure why I stopped applying it....  "simply to say out loud 'that hurts my feelings' or 'it makes me angry when...' once you verbalize it, the feelings dissipate. I think the key to being Christlike is to verbalize the emotions in a calm manner. "  


Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  I'm finally to the part where I'm going to explain the title of this blog!!!!  I think what God wants me to do is to start selfishly taking responsibility for the pain I feel instead of cowering in the corner pointing my finger at the person who hurt me.  I cannot do ANYTHING to change other people.  I can't fix their faulty filters.  I can't make them act in an unbiased manner.  I can't compel people to consider my feelings.  But I can control the way I respond in those situations.  I can calmly respond.  I can make sure I always employ my filter.  I can treat others fairly.  I can consider the feelings of others.  


I guess my encouragement to you today is to refuse to allow others to enslave you.  When we point the finger, when we blame other people, we are giving THEM power over us.  We are saying we are weaklings at their mercy.  We are saying we have no power...  THEY hurt us, THEY made us angry.   I always tell my children, "No one can MAKE you angry.  You allow what they did to bring your anger."  Take selfish responsibility for your pain or anger!  Look at what YOU can change!  Examine YOUR actions prior to the pain.  Because NONE of us can change anyone but ourselves. 


God bless and have a good day!

Half-a-day without Internet....

Today read something like a book titled, Jami and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It should have been a GREAT day! Since he worked last Sunday, John got today off. I planned to zip through my morning work and then spend some time lounging about with him. How does that saying go again??? The best laid plans of mice and men....

Since John didn't have to work, I awoke VERY late, by 7:30 a.m. I am just groggy and off my game! Yesterday's headache had subsided but I could tell the slightest bit of stress would bring it roaring back. I started the coffee and sat at the table with my Bible. I'm still working my way through James and found a PEARL of wisdom at the end of chapter 3:

Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. James 3:18

John got up and headed downstairs to check his e-mail quickly before I got started working. He came up shortly thereafter bearing the news that would begin my slippery slide down into the valley of the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, "Can't get on the Internet." Well I rushed downstairs, cup of coffee sloshing to check out the situation and found that it was likely not our computer but a problem with our provider. I came to this deduction when I tried to call for technical support and was met with a continual busy signal. At 8:20 a.m. I finally reached a live person who told me, there was indeed an outage but they expected it to be resolved within in 30 minutes. Apparently in Bertram-Wireless"ese" 30 minutes = 7 hours because my Internet was not back up and fully functional until 3:20 p.m.

Many of you may be thinking, "So what? You couldn't play your turn on FB Scrabble. Big WHOOP!" But may I remind you that this blog writer is not a stay-at-home mom she is a WORK-at-home mom.... just changing that first word makes a world of difference when considering Internet service. I was hamstrung! No Internet means no work! Well, for most mortal women. I on the other hand am a little more stubborn than that. Using my Blackberry I downloaded the obscure browser Opera (because it is the only Blackberry browser compatible with our remote e-mail service). I then logged onto my e-mail and could at least monitor my workload and answer e-mails for a few hours. By lunch, however, it was getting a little dire and I had CALLS to make. I created a little workaround which involved the help of a few coworkers, but I got the job DONE today!

It got me thinking.... do I approach a day without God's Word with the urgency I approached this half-a-day without the Internet???? Am I as determined to find a workaround when I awaken late and "don't have time" for my quiet time? Am I as jittery and sketchy about getting time with God as I was about meeting my work deadlines today? I've gotta be honest, since that is the whole premise of this blog I've created here: I'm not. A day without God's word bring a bit of guilt and a ton of excuses, but I honestly do not attack that problem with the tenacity I attacked my inability to logon to work today. But I WANT to. I WANT God to be SO much a part of my day... so vitally important... that I come up with whatever workaround is necessary to make sure that not a day goes by without me spending a little time with Him.

I bet you do too.... But life is so crazy, so busy.... There are so many things to do... children to feed... messes to clean.... work to be done... But guess what??? We MAKE time for the things that are important to us! And we have to MAKE time for our God. The next time your cell phone is broken.... or your car breaks down... microwave is on the fritz.... washing machine won't do the spin cycle... As you sit there lamenting the stress of not being able to text your BFF... not being able to drive to all the places you want to be... having to make popcorn the old fashioned way on the burner with a pan (yes Christine and Courtney you CAN make popcorn without a microwave)... or schlepping the clothes to the laundromat.... Use it as an opportunity to inventory your time with God. Ruminate on the lengths to which you are willing to go to get around those inconveniences.... And then get inspired to be just that bullheaded in getting around anything in between you and your time with your God.

Just a few quick Kastner updates:

1. We cancelled John's neurocognitive test because we were trying to figure out what was going on with the vehicles of this household.

2. The minivan should be ready tomorrow.... after this second round of attempts to fix it, the tab is going to almost reach the initial estimate's cost: just over $500 will be the entire damage. Buick is going to cost another $300 to fix. We can't swing that right now (on top of the minivan repairs) so we'll be waiting to get that fixed.

3. God is still SOOOOOOO good! He is JUST as good as He was back on Saturday when we thought it was only $130 to fix the minivan. He is JUST as good as He was when we had two perfectly reliable vehicles. He is good ALL the time! Don't you forget that!

I *heart* my blog readers!

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

I Thessalonians 5:11

WOW! Thank you ALL so much! I got a ton of encouragement from yesterday's comments/replies. (Oh and aren't the reaction buttons FUN?!?!?!) It was so good to hear that my "debasement" encourages people. If what I am going through ministers to just ONE person, then I consider the humiliation of laying it all out there, WELL worth it! So on I share... get ready because the roller coaster ride continues:

About an hour after I posted my blog yesterday, John returned home in the minivan. I rushed out to greet him and said, "Show me those brake lights, baby!" I saw no lights. My stomach fell a little. I asked, "Are you pressing the brake?" He confirmed he was. "Ummmmm nothing is happening." I said feeling a little sick. "Try the blinker." Nope! Nada! "Are the headlights on?" They were. No taillights either.

So our little problem was NOT actually fixed. Joy! Joy! We called the repair shop (which keep in mind had our Buick in its lot waiting to be looked at), and our friend Stevie apologized profusely. He promised that HE would be the one to work on the van this time, and he would figure out what the problem was, and he agreed to pick it up from our house on Monday because we NOW are actually carless. He also agreed to try to get a look at the Buick right away so we could at least have one car back.

A recheck of the van indicated that we actually had taillights and brake lights, IF we were not using the blinkers, but once the blinker was used, the taillights and brake lights were gone. So we decided to jet to Franklin and borrow my parents truck so John would be able to get to and from work. I tried hard not to use the blinker the whole way.

So here we are. We have NO working vehicle. We have borrowed my parents truck (not sure how long we can use it though), and John can get to and from work, but we still have not heard anything about the Buick and the minivan's problem remains undiagnosed. Wanna know the weird thing? I'm not scared. Really! I promise you. I'm not! I'm not discouraged. I keep pinching myself thinking maybe I'm asleep or something, but I'm not discouraged at all. Wanna know the weirdest thing? I'm kinda excited and happy. Now before you call social services to come get my children because they are being cared for by an insane woman, PLEASE let me explain.

I'm excited because I am EXPECTING something HUGE from God. I really am. I am expecting a HUMDINGER to WOW the world on this one. That's part of why I rushed down here to blog about this today. See if the miracle happens BEFORE I get to put the crazy, DIRE, need-the-red-sea-parted situation out there, then it will lose a little of it's SHEBANG! when I finally tell it. I wanted you to hear the situation, to feel the need, and to have a chance to be a part of the MIRACLE! Pray right this instant. STOP your reading and PRAY that God takes care of the Kastner's transportation situation. Because I promise you with ALL of me, if you pray you WILL see that prayer answered and you WILL be part of a miracle. I know with all of me the Kastners will see miracles through this. We already have seen one: while carless, John is still driving to and from work thanks to a loaner car from his generous in-laws. So QUICK pray so you can be a part of the next miracle which is coming.

I'm also happy. I swear I'm not just working hard to find good in a bad situation. I am really, truly giddy happy over this. John gets to drive the truck! Even if it is for only just a few days, he has been reunited with a past love, and it is AWESOME for him. In case you don't know, the truck used to be ours, but desperate finances caused for desperate measures, and we handed the truck back over to my parents. That truck was the NICEST vehicle John has ever "owned" (granted the bank owned it and we were making payments to them for it... but you get what I'm saying right?) My husband is not a proud man. He GRATEFULLY drives a 1990"ish" Buick LeSabre, with no a/c (and no longer any blower motor even), with a driver's seat which is stuck in recline, with a driver's side window that doesn't roll down, and with a "Don't let the car fool you, my treasure is in heaven" bumper sticker. He thanks God for the little beater every day because it CONTINUES to get him to and from work, and because it was a MIRACLE from Heaven as our Pastor and his wife GAVE it to us for FREE. So I know that I know that I know that he would never speak an ill word of his precious little beater Buick, and that he is not too proud to drive it. However, I also know that he is LOVING driving that truck again. In his heart, that baby will always be "his" and while he doesn't love it more than Jesus or me or his children... no matter who "owns" it he will ALWAYS love that thing with a deep and abiding love. So I am HAPPY that in the midst of this trying time, with his neck still throbbing from his recent setback and with the stress of having not one but TWO vehicles in the shop, that he is at least able to have a LITTLE bit of comfort from being reunited with his love truck.

So where's the lesson Jami? Well... this morning I was reading James 1 and something hit me. Now I have memorized the ENTIRE book of James (with my sixth graders in 1996... are you one of them? shout out and say you memorized it for me!) so I KNOW this verse. However, this morning it hit me in a different way.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

James 1:2

PURE joy it says. PURE!!!! I thought about the word "pure" for a little bit. I thought about the fact that one tiny little speck can make something "impure." So PURE joy conjures up the idea of NOT ONE SPECK of worry, fear, doubt, anger. NOTHING but JOY when you face a trial. I do not know if my joy right now is pure, but I do know that it is the closest thing to pure it has ever been. I keep thinking, "Shouldn't I be stressing about this?" The thought will flit through my head, "Shouldn't my tummy be in at least a little bit of knots?" I almost feel guilty like shouldn't I at least have a "healthy" amount fear about this situation? But I don't. Am I a little inconvenienced because of it? Sure! I forgot to get coffee yesterday at Wal-Mart so I am drinking my LAST cup of coffee this morning. However, once again I am unable to drive even to Mayville to get some. Am I a little disappointed because of this situation? Sure! We missed out on a lake party John's boss was having yesterday. Not only had I prepared TWO dishes to bring along, but the kids had been wearing life jackets ALL day in anticipation of the event and then we couldn't go. Do I wish a little for the easy way out? Sure! I would find it GREAT if I looked out my window to find God had dropped a BRAND new fuel-efficient, 4-wheel drive vehicle which seats 7 on my driveway. He could even put a pretty red bow on top for effect. But in spite of all these feelings there is no worry, no fear, no anger. I am excited in anticipating the resolution of this matter and I am happy that John gets a little time to re-kindle his love for his "baby" (a pretty black Chevy truck).

So maybe that is my lesson today.... PURE joy. Not just searching for good in the bad, but really truly just having JOY

*JOY that we were considered worthy to be used as God's billboard again

*JOY that we were chosen to be the recipients of another miracle of God (for what else is it but a miracle when you are driving to work but you don't have a working vehicle???)

*JOY that we are poised to be the recipients of another miracle (for He did NOT bring us out this far to take us back again!)

*JOY that John gets to drive the truck again

*JOY that no matter what He has us in His capable hands.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

James 1:2

[One quick prayer request: Tomorrow John is having a neuro cognitive test done to establish a base line so the doctor can track if his memory issues are a result of a nerological problem. It is an eight hour test! PLEASE pray for him.]

Romans 14....

I have read Romans 14 twice in the past two days... It keeps sticking in my craw and calling me back to my earlier musings about honesty.

Read these excerpts....

v1 Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.

v4 Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

v13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way.

v15If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died.

v17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit,

v19 Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.

v22 So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God.

It got me thinking about how we as Christians (heck! we as human beings!) get so caught up on arguing about who's right: should we baptize babies or adults, is it okay for Christians to consume alcohol, speaking in tongues, clapping during worship, KJV, NIV, yada yada yada!

Guess what? Here's my assertion: NONE of that matters! None of it! Every single one of those things falls under PERSONAL! Between each individual and his/her God. The only thing we as Christians should be asserting... The only thing we should be debating is the supremacy of the gospel. But we preach Christ crucified.... (I Cor 1:23) That is ALL that matters! That is what is important! Making sure everyone we love, everyone we know, everyone we come into contact with knows this one thing: they are a sinner without hope except for this CHRIST DIED FOR THEIR SINS. That is all that matters. That is what is important.

In a sermon, I heard Aaron Cole say that it is his responsibility to tell us how to get saved, and it is the Holy Spirit's responsibility to tell us how to change our lives. What a much better place this world would be if we ALL took on that attitude! "It is my job to tell people how to get saved. I will leave the life changing up to the Holy Spirit."

This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn as a new bride. (In fact, truth be told, I am still learning it now... as an old bride.) I am NOT John's Holy Spirit. It is NOT my job to tell him what God wants for his life. "But Jami!" you say. "Of course God wants my husband to go to church every Sunday!" Yes, He likely does, but do you really and truly think that God needs YOU to impress that point upon your husband??? "But Jami!" you say. "My sister lets my niece's boyfriend sleepover and she is just fifteen! That is SO dangerous!" Probably. But AGAIN are you SURE that YOU are the voice God wants to use to convey that message. "BUT JAMI!" you say. "Doesn't the Bible tell us, Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way swill save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins (James 5:20)?" Yes but AGAIN I caution you.... are you SURE that God is telling YOU to turn that sinner from the error of his way or do you just WANT to turn that sinner from the error of his way?

Again, I refer back to Romans 14:

v22 So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God.

God does NOT need you to be the Holy Spirit, and I believe that 9 times out of 10, God does not use direct confrontation to save a sinner from the error of his ways... instead more often then not, I see God coming in as a gentle wind.... convicting a sinner by his/her observations or by a verse from the Word or a lyric from a song. It has been my experience that typically, little to no progress is gained from a trying to turn a sinner from the error of his ways with direct confrontation. Typically, from my observation, what happens is that "sinner" only gets defensive, stubbornly digging in his heels and refusing to budge. Therefore, I try so hard to put into practice this instruction (not just with regards to my interactions with my husband but with ALL)... so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, I Peter 3:1 (emphasis mine).

Now please do not mistake me. I am not saying that there is NEVER a time for confrontation or for debating. But here is what I am saying.... I think people are way too quick to judge, confront, debate trivial things, and I think that Satan LOVES that about us. He gets us distracted debating doctrine. He gets us tied up in arguing whose beliefs are correct. He gets us bogged down by petty issues. So that we have NO time for doing the ONLY thing we are called to do: share the gospel.

Mkay... I guess I'm done with today's musings... I need to get back to work (and back to nursing my ailing hubby)... In closing, I would like to point out that I am by NO WAY an expert on this issue. I struggle EVERY day to keep my mouth shut about things that are not my business. This whole blog was a bit of a reminder to ME about what I should be doing.

In some of my favorite words from one of my favorite guys:

"I'm just one beggar showing another beggar where there's food." Shane Houle.

Weeds....

I have become such a John Deere girl! (Okay my riding lawn mower is a Yard King or something like that, but you get my drift right?) See it's become my job to mow the mammoth of a yard we now have. John works so much. Every night (except Monday) he arrives home between 8 and 9. Saturdays he works a full eight hour day. His only real day off is Sunday, and that is church day and a well-deserved Sabbath too. So it has become the Momma's job to mow the 1.89 acre lawn, and guess what? I actually LOVE it! Idk why... I think cuz it's mindless and no one can interrupt me, and because the lawn stays neatly mowed just a little bit longer than the kitchen floor stays spotless after a mopping.

Anywhoo... I was mowing on Tuesday, and I came up over a hill in the backyard and caught sight of a beautiful patch of overgrown grass polka-dotted with bright yellow dandelions. At first the beauty of the sight took my breath away, but very shortly thereafter, God hit me with a POW! of a lesson. Even as my eyes took in the beauty of the green with splashes of yellow and my heart swelled at the appreciation of the beauty of God's creation, my brain started to kick in and say, "Ummm Jami... Those are weeds." I thought about how just a few weeks ago there wasn't a dandelion in sight. Then one day, Elijah brought me a fistful of "flowers." I thought, "Hmmm dandelion time." Before I knew it... there were patches everywhere. Dandelions were covering my lawn.

God got me thinking about sin. One minute everything is hunky dory. Then sin pokes its head up and if you don't do something about it, before you know it, your whole "lawn" is covered with dandelions.

I've had several applications of this thought called to mind the past few days, but here is the one that is screaming out the most and hitting me HARD in the heart. It has to do with relationships.

I am very good at filtering the thoughts that occur in my mind before they reach my lips; however, because of this I tend to keep my mouth shut a little too much. I let little irritations with people fester until they become huge grievances crippling my entire relationship with them. I see this happening all around me in other people's lives too. People who should have spoken up when something was small and manageable allow it to grow and thrive until it takes over their entire relationship with their spouse, their family, a friend, their church. Before you know it the dandelions have taken over their yard and they have some MAJOR work to do in order to get control.

Kinda like this:

Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

James 1:15

So what's the plan of action then? I used to think my response was simply to root out that weed of sin every time it popped up in my heart and my relationships. However, this week looking around I realized that even if I had rooted up that very first dandelion, it likely would have been too late. That one weed would have likely already had little friends about to pop up all over. So here's what I advise when dealing with weeds (in your yard and your heart):

1. Root them out! Definitely yank that bad boy outta your yard or heart as soon as possible. The sooner the better! When your hubby's voice has a bit of an edge to it, when your BFF forgets your b-day, when your church fails to pray about your illness... address the hurt and pain but then LET GO and get rid of it!

2. Sprinkle some weed killer all about. It's not good enough to just root out that weed. You also have to take action against any friends that weed may have lurking about. I suggest when you root out a sin you IMMEDIATELY bathe your spirit in the word of God. If you are struggling with the sin of lust say. Turn your eyes from that person/thing you are lusting after the SECOND you realize you are lusting. Then immediately find all the scripture you can about lust and soak your spirit in those truths.

3. Protect your yard from your neighbors dandelions. Here's where my analogy goes a little off track, because you can't really do much in a yard situation. You can't pick up your yard and move it away from your neighbor's yard, BUT in life, you can physically remove yourself from the people around you who have weeds in their "yard". Surround yourself instead with people who's lawns are weed free and flourishing.

Well I hope my little rabbit trail on weeds got you thinking. Are there any weeds in your yard today? If so, I hope and pray you will root them out! spray some weed killer! and move your yard away from other weedy yards!

Have a GREAT day!

Pray without ceasing....

My life has been so stressful lately! Many have expressed concern over the blogs I've been posting. I guess that's the downside to bare naked honesty. Too much is never enough. I try sometimes to keep a few of MY details out, in order to make my writing applicable to more people, but then I seem to muddy the water and arouse suspicion. Idk...

Just this week I told John, my gut was getting sketchy and was telling me to run away from my life as a lesson for awhile, like I did this past summer when the heat was turned up too high. He encouraged me to take a different route this time. Wisely advising, that possibly by standing through the heat God would reveal even more to me.

So here I stand. My yuck displayed (or at least mostly displayed) for all to see. I've really been going through it lately. I can't EXACTLY finger when this most recent plunge into the depths began, but it has been a rough start to 2010, a year I had hoped would be MARKEDLY better than its predecessor 2009, a year which will go down in infamy as the year that nearly destroyed Jami Lynn Kastner.

Since the middle of January, I have been helping the rest of my family to care for my elderly grandmother. This is a labor of love for all of us; however, even when laboring for love you can get depleted. All of us are playing different roles in this play entitled Keep Gma out of a Nursing Home as Long as Humanly Possible. For me it involves traveling to Franklin (a 1-hour drive one way) twice per week and working and homeschooling from my parents' house while caring for Gma. I also prepare dinner (most of the time) for my entire family on those days and try to keep Hannah from destroying my mother's things (not very successful at that one). Caring for Gma is not THAT bad in the grand scheme of things. Her care involves mostly gently cajoling her to do the things she needs to do: teeth brushing, hair brushing and ensuring her meds are taken and vitals are recorded. I do prepare her meals (but big WUP I was doing that for four little ones anyways.... what's adding in one more mouth to prep food for). Most things she is still capable of doing herself. Also, this labor is not without its perks. I am compensated monetarily. We are fed from my parents' pantry two days a week. They have cable, a fact the children RELISH. However, it is still exhausting to take the Crazy Kastner Show on the road two times per week.

Add into the insanity the fact that our washer broke about a month ago. So for that long I have been dragging the laundry of a family of seven to and from Franklin with us twice per week. Again.... there is ALWAYS a silver lining.... my Gma and Auntie Marge fold all my clothes while we are at my parents, but still it is EXCRUCIATING to have this big of a family and have no washer. We are VERY close to hopefully having enough money to replace the beast, but until we do.... on I plod dragging my dirty (and then clean) clothes to and from Mom & Dad's.... being a burden to my parents electric bill and depleting their laundry supplies... and remaining incapable of instantly cleaning up any childlike emergencies (puke, HUGE milk spills which become VERY stinky when stored for 3 or 4 days, other things to delicate for the senses to be posted here).

Oh and that brings up the next little stress to my system. My Great Aunt (also elderly and now incapable of living independently) moved in with us at the beginning of February. In many ways, this is not so bad. She pays us room & board (which is a HUGE help). She LOVES and ADORES the kids and frequently occupies them (especially Hannah who could definitely use 24-hour observation to keep her out of trouble). However, it is still a shock to our system to have a new person in our house. She does require assistance and care, which is a little hard but I keep telling her (because she feels bad and that she is a burden to an already stressed out woman) she changed my diapers when I was a baby... I can do my part and get her a cup of coffee or remind her to take her meds. It is, however, quite "interesting" living with someone who has spent the past five years basically being a hermit. She has REALLY toned down the continual talking about inconsequential things; however, she still reads me EVERY SINGLE street sign we pass when we are in the car. It's like I have a living breathing GPS system sitting next to me. That means that four times a week for one hour each time I have to hear,

"Madison Road. Turning onto Madison Road."

"Hwy 33. We're at Hwy 33."

"Washington County. We're in Washington County now."

"Hwy 41. That's how we get to Milwaukee. Hwy 41."

"Germantown. Already in Germantown."

ALL THE WAY TO AND FROM Franklin! It is interesting to say the least.

The typical Kastner stresses have been heating up too.... John's neck/shoulder muscles have been revolting lately. They seem to get tighter by the day. The other night he walked into the bedroom, and his shoulders were nearly touching his earlobes. The pain and tightness tends to make him a "little" crabby to the point that I'm about ready to make a bed for him on the front porch and start sliding his meals through the screen door. And lack of money... ahhhh lack of money my constant companion..... we are now just $106 away from paying off our van yet last month we had to scrape and struggle to come up with a HUGE amount of back payments to ensure we were allowed to keep the dilapadated beast we just about own. I cannot remember the last time I was able to go to the grocery store and just BUY the things we need. This week I promised the kids that the second I had the full amount budgeted for groceries they could each pick their favorite meal and that week we'd have "Favorites Week" for dinners. They are so sick of having no "snackies" in the house, but yet they still don't tire of pancakes for dinner. PLEASE!!!! No one tell them that this is because pancakes cost just pennies per serving and make a VERY economical dinner. They think I am spoiling them!

Finally, add into this recipe for a breakdown: stress with my work, still adjusting to living in a new community, my oldest entering the "tween" stage and acquiring a rare, but oh so lovely, teenage type attitude, rolling my stinking ankle every time I try to get a little "me-time" by working out, a bum back cuz I'm old & out of shape, my face breaking out like a teenager, having a husband I rarely see cuz he works two jobs, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF!

I've been begging God for answers, solutions, coping strategies, and as always, He "gives generously to all without finding fault" (from James 1:5) I have been getting some answers, and here's the first one.

pray continually; I Thessalonians 5:17

That's the entire verse. I swear it is. If you don't believe me, look it up! It doesn't say, "Pray when you're in trouble." It isn't, "Pray when good things happen." It isn't even, "Pray morning, noon and night." I think that I Thessalonians 5:17 may be the most poignant verse in the whole Bible.... "pray continually;" (emphasis mine)

I looked up continually. Here's what I found:

1 : continuing indefinitely in time without interruption

2 : recurring in steady usually rapid succession

Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession.... Is that how you pray??? I guess I'll have to examine that idea to arrive at my answer to that question.

At first I guess I thought that God was saying to me, "Pray some more, Jami." But the more I looked at it, the more I came to a different conclusion.

If my directive from God's Word is to pray "Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession...." I guess I would have to look at EVERYTHING I do as part of my prayer. I stopped to think: Is my life lived as a prayer to God? Are my words formed as a prayer to God? When I'm talking to my children? Is it language worthy of being before the throne of God? When I'm working? Is it work worthy of being before the throne of God? When I am relaxing? Is it in a manner worthy of being before the throne of God?

This concept is rocking my world. [Quick Sidenote: I absolutely LOVE and ADORE the way God takes a concept we know... one we have known since Sunday School.... one we memorized in AWANA.... one we heard about in Youth Group.... even one we clung to in previous dark days.... and REVOLUTIONIZES its meaning to us so we understand and KNOW it more deeply more completely... the same yet completely different.] This morning it came to fullness in my heart. It had been kinda lurking around in the shadows of busyness for several days and today it stepped out into the light and made itself FULLY known.

pray continually;

So that's the first coping strategy God is giving me.... turn my life into a prayer to Him.... make every word I say.... every action I execute.... a PRAYER TO HIM.... make my inner thoughts and the aroma of my attitude a PRAYER TO HIM.... be CONTINUALLY (Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession....) in prayer.

That's my challenge to you today too....

pray continually;

I've got tons more that God is teaching me through all of this, but today's blog is long enough. You'll have to wait until tomorrow for more. So until tomorrow...

pray continually;

Blessed are the peacemakers...

Elijah HATES covers. I'm not sure why, but more than once this hatred has caused me a loss of sleep. It did again last night. I awoke shivering and realized I had NO covers on me. I sat up found my covers and pulled them up to my chin, but almost instantly he started whining and kicked them back off. Too tired to fight him to return to his OWN BED or STOP kicking my covers off, I just got up and stumbled off to find an empty bed in our house to sleep in.

As I picked up my phone (which is my alarm), I noticed my indicator light was blinking red. What I found waiting for me was a VICIOUS comment about my blog on Hannah Montana. It was vicious to me (called me a "liberal sinner posing as a Christian") and vicious to Hannah Montana (called her an "abomination"). I rejected the comment, but its words kept swirling around in my head.

What to do? What to do? The comment was RIDICULOUSLY confrontational; therefore, it included an e-mail address in case I wanted to debate. I could reply, "Did you even read this blog before you blasted me and Hannah Montana?" or I could simply reply with scripture, "And over all these virtues put on love...." (Colossians 3:14) However, in the end I chose to take the wise advice of my 16-year old cousin (as professed through her Facebook status just yesterday), "Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction." (Alex Lawson... who may have pirated it from someone else but who cares? for my purposes she gets the credit.)

I decided not to reply, but the whole experience got me thinking... Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Matthew 5:9 SEVERAL situations I am facing right now came to my mind, and as I thought through each of them in the context of this verse I realized.... The best choice is always to try to make peace.

"But Jami," you say, "you have NOT met my _______________ (fill in the blank as you see fit: mother, friend Mildred, husband, neighbor). He/She is IMPOSSIBLE to make peace with." I say to you, "PSHAW!" Peace is ALWAYS possible. Here are a few things to consider:

1. Say nothing. When someone says something confrontational to you, when someone tries to pick a fight with you, when someone attacks you, it is very wise to remain silent. When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19) Sometimes the best way to "fight back" is to say NOTHING! My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, (James 1:19) You do not HAVE to even reply when someone tries to bait you into an argument or simply says something negative or rude to you.

2. Respond with scripture. If you absolutely MUST respond to a confrontational person or in a confrontational situation, the safest avenue may be to respond with scripture. Recently I was in a VERY painful situation. I was leery of even well-meaning people's misplaced comments. Wisely assessing how difficult the situation was, my mother responded with an e-mail that contained nothing but scripture. It was the BEST response she could have given. DISCLAIMER: you canNOT respond with divisive scripture planned to defensively get back at the person. Choose scriptures about peace, love, and prayer instead.

So there you go.... I am choosing not to fight back (I guess I'm not TRULY choosing silence as I did blog about it, but I am not responding to the outlandish and vicious attacks in that comment.) I am claiming (and standing upon) this promise:

Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. (James 3:18)

Lessons I learned from Mercy

I need to begin this blog with a HUGE disclaimer. I am NOT a cat person. I really am not. I can hardly stand cats. In fact (as MANY would tell you), I might have even been heard saying, "The only good cat is a dead cat." I really do not like cats. Okay, finished with the disclaimer. Here's the story:

About two weeks ago, a stray cat followed the kids home from a bike ride. What I didn't know then was that it was just the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" storyline being played out in front of my eyes. As John and I decorated the Christmas tree (something the kids were supposed to be helping with), they sat out on the driveway petting the cat and playing with the cat.

"She's hungry Momma." was the first step in my slippery slide down the hill. I gave in out of love for my babies, not out of any affinity for this cat. We gave her a can of tuna and a saucer of milk. She set up an abode underneath our front porch, and the kids started calling her Lucky. After about two days, it was time for Elijah's tonsil surgery so Riri came out to the country to watch the other kids. She brought along with her a water dish, food dish and a bunch of cat food. I guess that was step two...

I can't remember the exact timeline, it is all so foggy and seems like it was forever, not just a few weeks. Eventually (we theorize because we were leaving her food outside) she got into a scuffle with another animal. One morning we found her face all gashed up and her nose bleeding. We let her move into the garage to keep her safe and let her heal from whatever predator had attacked her. John and I rationalized, we can have an outside cat and not be cat people. At that point, I announced that Lucky was a lame name, and we needed a real name. We decided upon Mercy because in our dreams the dog we'll have is named Gracie, and Grace and Mercy go so well together. We moved her food and water into the garage, gave her a camp chair and a few blankets to sleep on, and opened the door during the day for her to "do her business."

Our setup became problematic when the weather started turning colder. The day that I found her water bowl frozen solid was the day we knew we were in over our heads. We moved Mercy inside and set her up in the mudroom. In breezed Riri, with a litter box, toys, canned cat food, a brush... all the goodies the spoiling Aunt has right at her fingertips (at least after a quick trip to Target). The kids were in heaven. They would sit and pet Mercy forever.

Mercy was a GREAT cat. She was not like other cats. She wasn't snobby or persnickety. She was friendly and patient. She was great with the kids. She would let Hannah manhandle her and love on her, and she never got mean. She must have been someones cat who had been abandoned or something, because she immediately knew what the liter box was and used it consistently from the beginning. She was a dream cat (if there is such a thing).

We always kinda knew that Mercy was sick. When she first showed up, I told John, this cat just came here looking for somewhere to die. So when we decided to let her come live inside, we determined she would have to take a trip to the vet in order to make sure she wasn't a danger to the children. The vet did not have good news. Likely Mercy had a terminal condition that wasn't treatable, but nothing that could be transmitted to the children. We could try to clear up her infections with antibiotics and keep her for awhile. So we tried. That was Monday.

So there I was (NOT the cat person) squirting antibiotics down this cat's throat twice a day and wiping away her bloody buggers. I mean SERIOUSLY?!?!?! John was humoring me, but I know he was thinking, "Who is this crazy cat lady who has taken over my wife's body?" The medicine seemed to be working. We could hear Mercy sneezing a lot, and she seemed to be clearing some of the mucus from her lungs and nose.

Then yesterday, she climbed in her litter box and wouldn't get out. She sat in there much of the day. It was awful. I explained to the children that she was likely going to die soon, and she knew it. She would let us pet her, but if we tried to pick her up she'd bare her teeth and make a little pitiful sound like, "Please don't. It hurts too much." I was a wreck. The triple assault of watching this creature suffer, realizing I had fallen for this dumb cat and was now going to lose her, and knowing that this would break my babies' hearts was too much for me. I cried all day.

I struggled to find something to do for her. We could not afford to put her down (the vet said it would be nearly $100). No Humane Society would help me because we live in a "non-contracted" area. Part of how we ended up in this jam was because we had called the contracted "dog catcher" guy for Hubbard earlier in this saga, and he never called us back. We prayed for Mercy and that God would help us find a way to help her, and I tried one more time to reach the Hubbard animal guy. Miraculously, I reached his wife. I think my tears helped plead my case for once. She assured me he would call as soon as he returned from work. Mercy left with the animal man at 4:10 p.m. last night. We were devastated but not left without many lessons learned.

1. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death (James 1:15) I am not saying Mercy was sin; however, I am saying, if you don't want to have a cat.... if you don't want to be a "cat person".... do NOT (I repeat) do NOT feed a stray cat. Don't even pet it. Don't even look at it. The parallels here are too clear not to be applied! If you don't want to have sex before your married, don't take your clothes off. If you don't want to become addicted to drugs, don't smoke even your first joint. If you don't want to cheat on your husband, don't spend any time with a man you are not married to. If you want to avoid sin, do NOT entertain it! Don't give it even one second of your time. Because if you let it get just one tiny little paw into your front yard, before you know it that thing will be sleeping on your couch, and you'll be wiping the bloody mucus from it's nose. Trust me! I know some of you are saying, "Not me! I hate cats!" or "Not me! I love my spouse!" or "Not me! I don't drink, smoke or chew or go with boys who do!" But let me tell you: If it can happen to the greatest cat hater of all, it can happen to you.

2. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9) God sure works in mysterious ways I tell you. Me falling for this cat reminded me of this unexpected friendship that came my way. I had determined in my heart to hate this girl. She had taken my place. She was the new (and MUCH better) cheer coach at HCS, and I was still bitter about having my job, my calling, my ministry ripped from my grip. But in breezed Shannon Michelle and it was all over. She and I "clicked" like peanut butter and jelly. Still now... ten years later she is one of my BFFs. God works in mysterious ways. I never thought I'd love a cat. But I did, and because I kept my heart open to the unexpected I gleaned a lot of good things.

3. Why you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (James 4:14) Mercy really seemed to be on the upswing this week. Then all of a sudden she veered suddenly and started declining rapidly. Life is like that too you know. All is going well and then without much warning, it is lying shattered at your feet. We had such a short time with Mercy before she was gone, but we enjoyed every moment with her and we loved her and gave her a little taste of Heaven before she succumbed to her illness. So the lesson I take from that??? Suck up every second like it is your last. Savor every moment you have with the ones you love because before you know it your time may be up. I have had two relationships like this. Two very intense friendships that came seemingly out of nowhere and overtook my life. Two "BFFs" who became indispensable within a matter of minutes and then after not very long left my life with a heart-shattering "BAM!" I have really learned to just be grateful for every second I have... with Mercy, with my friends, and with my family. Because I know that sickness, death, or betrayal can rip those things from your grip in an instant, and I never want to be left regretting the fact that I didn't cherish what I had when it was there.

4. The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40) Being kind can never be wrong. It just can't. It might hurt in the end. You might end up with your heart torn to shreds and bleeding profusely, but it can NEVER be wrong to be kind. Recently, I made a kind gesture that was rebuked and thrown right back in my face. At first, I was so angry. The sting of the rejection really hurt. But then I realized, I wouldn't change one thing I had done because I had been kind and that was a good thing. Right now as I sit here a little bruised and battered from having known and loved Mercy, I realize that I wouldn't change one thing. It hurt like heck to let her go, and it hurts like heck still as just a few moments ago I had to console Elijah through a storm of tears after he asked, "Mom, why did Mercy have to go to sleep?" But I am glad we were kind to this tiny little creature. I am glad we gave her love and warmth and food for her last days on this earth.

Okay so I'm finally to the end of this long-winded blog. Please do not mistake me, I am still NOT a cat person. However, I think I may amend my famous saying, "The only good cat is Mercy."

Thank you Jesus for that truck!

“Father God, please provide a second form of transportation for this family.” I have been praying these words faithfully for the past five months. Over the past year, God had taken us from a two-car family with two car payments to a one-car family with one car payment. We believed strongly that this was the responsible thing to do and was one way that God was going to rescue us from our financial troubles. Initially, it was not so bad. It was winter. We homeschool. I work at home. Besides groceries and errands, we only have to leave the house for church and AWANA. Social events were difficult, but we were managing. The worst part was trying to squish all of my grocery shopping and errands into Thursday night, Saturday afternoon, and Sunday afternoon, the only times John was off.

Then spring came, soccer started, and things started heating up. The kids and I walked 1.5 miles one way to soccer practice, sometimes twice a week. We tried to arrange rides sometimes, and my family helped as much as they could. However, with four children you don’t fit in anything but a mini-van or Suburban. It was difficult, and even though I have law-enforcement officials reading this blog (close your eyes Aimee), I will admit that a few times I squished all four of them in the back of a sedan (two in one seatbelt). Only for very important things like we were freezing and needed to get home from soccer or when we went to see Danny Gokey. (Hush! That was VERY important!) The stress had really started building this week as my work schedule has been getting busy again too. I prayed at least once this week, "God something has GOT to give. I cannot do this anymore."

After five months of praying the same thing every day and not really having any idea how God would answer that prayer, I am typing this with tears in my eyes because I get to tell all of you: we have a second vehicle! We have been scouring Criagslist for junker trucks, old vans, even a few hatchbacks. We set the bar VERY low, maximum price $1000 and eventually upped it a little to $1500. We e-mailed and called on hundreds of vehicles. We looked at two last night and came home with the second. It is a 1994 Dodge with high mileage. It is a beast of a truck - big bed, huge engine. The exterior is rough, and there are a couple of things wrong with it, but we are thrilled!

This morning when I looked out the front window and saw it parked in front of our house I wanted to cry. As I walked this morning and prayed, I kept wanting to jump up and down and scream when I said, “Thank you Jesus for that truck!” And as I prayed, I couldn’t stop coming back to it, “Jesus please heal Hannah’s little eyes. Let the patching work and strengthen her eye. Help her to keep that patch on. Oh and THANK YOU FOR THAT TRUCK!” It kept creeping back into my prayers.

Before we went looking at the trucks last night, when we got to the first truck, when we got to the second truck, and before we made the decision to take it, we prayed. We prayed. We prayed. We prayed. On the way home, when we got home, as we cleaned out BOTH of our vehicles, and before we went to bed, we praised God and thanked Him. When I woke up this morning, as I walked and as I prayed, I kept thanking God. But all of a sudden as I traveled east down Drexel Avenue, it hit me. It hit me hard and stark. God answered my prayer! I am not sure exactly how to explain it, but I prayed for this through every step of the decision making process, and I thanked God for it when it came to fruition. But I had kinda forgotten that this had been on my prayer list for a LONG time and God answered it. All of a sudden, I had one of those moments where the Bible became so real to me:

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.
Matthew 21:22
You do not have, because you do not ask God.
James 4:2b
And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious
riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Sometimes we fly through life so quickly. We never take the time to stop and look around us and realize all the things that God has given us, all the prayers He has answered. I want to encourage you to stop today and look around. I know you may have hard things you are going through, but I also know that there are very likely things that He has given you that you can be thankful for. Yes the Kastners have struggled for a long time with financial troubles that are deep and dark. But we have a happy marriage. We have healthy children. We have family who loves and supports us. We have a church family we belong to. We have TWO VEHICLES! Most importantly, we have our Jesus! He walks with us through the hard and the good. He guides us, He protects us, He loves us, He forgives us, and he PROVIDES FOR US!

I just can’t stop saying: Thank you JESUS for that truck! And I hope you’ll look around today and find things you’re thankful for too. Then don't forget to say, "Thank you Jesus for _________!"

Don't be a Bildad!

Poor Job, not only was Satan allowed to take every single thing he cherished in an attempt to get him to turn away from God, but on top of that he had to endure the undeserved chastisement of his friends. While the Bible clearly says that Job was being dragged through the fire of testing because he was righteous and upright, Job’s friends accuse him of bringing these tragedies on himself with his own sinful behavior. While all humans are sinful, Job’s sin was not why he was suffering. Job was suffering because God said to Satan, “Hey look at this guy. Isn’t he righteous? Doesn’t he love me?” And Satan said, “Yes but he only loves you because you have given him everything he ever wanted. Take that stuff away, and he’ll stop loving you.” (Of course this is Jami’s paraphrasing of the conversation.)

I always shudder when I get to the part about Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. Job’s friends must be the Bible’s best what-not-to-do example in the area of friendship. When I am reading the story, I have the benefit of knowing exactly why Job was being tested. Therefore, when I get to the part where Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar start to accuse Job, I get very uncomfortable. How stupid they look! How wrong they are! They are accusing the very man God called righteous! They are telling Job to confess and repent, when what God really wants of Job is to hang on and to stand strong.

When I am faced with a friends suffering, I try very hard to live by these words: My dear brothers, take note of this: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19) Not only do I steer clear of accusations like those of Job’s friends, I also refrain from even giving advice. I reason that if someone doesn’t ask for my advice, they are not ready to hear it. Sometimes I think we assume that because someone is pouring out their heart to us, they are subconsciously asking for our opinion. Not good enough for me! I wait, no matter how deep the teeth marks in my tongue get, I bite my tongue and remain slow to speak. Even after I am specifically asked for my advice, I proceed with great caution. I proceed slowly because I know the pain of suffering. I know how sensitive and raw it makes your heart, and I know how even the words of a well-meaning friend can become as painful as lemon juice squeezed in a paper cut. I proceed slowly also because I know that no matter what I have been told, no matter how much I know of the situation, I can never know the whole thing. I can never know why a person is struggling through something. I can never know for sure what God has for that person to learn. Therefore I proceed slowly, hesitantly, and gently. I do not ever want to be lemon juice in someone’s paper cut. I, instead, want to be a soothing balm of honey poured over a raging wound.

Some might counter my argument with another verse in James, “remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.” (James 5:20) I guess my only response to that argument is: I do not believe that the time of great suffering is the time God wants us turning sinners from the error of their ways. I believe that the suffering need to be pointed to God without condemnation. I have been involved in youth ministries, teaching, and coaching for many years. This has meant decades of dealing with teenagers. More often than I care to admit I have come face to face with a young girl, not married, who finds herself caught in the consequences of her sin. She’s pregnant, and she doesn’t know what to do. Many at that moment might see themselves as the voice of God calling out her sin to make sure that she realizes all she has done wrong. I see my role in that moment differently. I believe that for the next 18 years and more, that woman will be reaping the consequences of doing things out of God’s order. I have watched so many of them face condemnation and rejection from God’s people, when what they really needed was to experience grace, what they really needed was someone to come along side them and offer a hand to help them get up, someone to take a clean cloth and wipe away at the mud of sin stuck to their face, and someone to put their arm around them and help them limp back to the path of God’s will. So what I do is hug that girl. I offer as much financial and emotional support as I can. I give hand-me downs, I lend a listening ear, I buy a baby present, and I celebrate the beginning of a new life. I do not say even one word about waiting until marriage to have sex.

While “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:” (Ecclesiastes 3:1), I just have never believed that suffering is the time for accusations or even instruction. Oh how different it would have been if Job had been greeted by friends who were like cheerleaders, chanting, “Don’t give up! Don’t give up! Don’t give up!” How much would the situation have changed if Job’s friends had been like a warm blanket on a freezing night? If his friends had comforted him instead of accusing him, how would the story have gone?

The next time you encounter a friend who is suffering, the next time you see someone flat on their face in the mud, don’t be a Bildad! Whether the mud that person is lying in is the muck of their own sin or the slime of Satan’s testing, your friend needs the same thing: your support, your encouragement, your assistance, your prayers. Your friend needs to be reminded that God loves him/her. Your friend does not need a friend like Bildad.

Gossip Girl

For two days now, I have been struggling with writer’s block. It is not because I have nothing to write about, but because I do not want to write about what God put on my heart. I keep shying away from it because I do not want to tackle the issue, partially because I do not want to sound preachy, but mostly because if I write about it, I will have to think about it, and if I think about it, I will have to make oh so many changes.

Gossip, hearsay, idle talk, defamation, slander.... I have often been the victim and the perpetrator of this vicious crime. As a very sensitive person, it crushes me to know others are talking about me, judging me, spreading stories about me, and as a very sinful person, I turn right around and do the same thing to others. Recently, I was an outside party looking in on gossip, and for some reason that situation has been resonating through my brain, my heart and my soul, calling me to form an opinion and take a stand. Here’s kind of how it went down:

Standing apart from the group, minding my own business, I heard the discussion begin.
“I don’t know how she can justify being involved with a married man!” They were talking about a woman who had just left the group.
“Well, she says he’s in the process of a divorce,” someone inserted in the woman’s defense.
“I am in a Bible study with his wife, and she just said the other day, they were working to save their marriage,” another voice chimed in.
I sat there apart from them trying to block out their voices. Just overhearing those little snippets of their conversation made me feel icky, dirty, sad.

Since I was in junior high I think, I have struggled with this concept. Where do you draw the line when talking about other people? Sharing the miracle of my nephew surviving Leukemia is not gossip, but what about asking others to pray for my grandfather who is drinking and gambling again? I do not claim to be an expert on what is right, but I do want to search hard to find answers. So I consulted my pastor, and his answer really got me thinking. He said, “Jesus said, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’” Hmmmm…. Good point! When I am about to talk, I need to stop and think, “Would I want someone saying this about me?”

But have you ever been in this place? Someone says or does something that just DRIVES YOU UP A WALL! You are irritated beyond words and struggling to process the situation by yourself. So you tell your BFF. You share the details. You spew your venom, anger, frustration in the name of “venting” and think it is fine. I am not giving this example as an uninvolved party. This is actually where I gossip the most. I think it is just fine to spew out my feelings about a situation to John or Christina or Cori because I need to process it, because I need to come to grip with my feelings. Guess what? I do NOT see that Biblically mandated. I do not recall ever reading where God says it is okay. I read, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8) I find, “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body.” (James 3:6) Finally, I see, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” (Matthew 7:1) But I have yet to find, “When someone REALLY ticks you off, spew anger, venom and hateful words about them; rehash the situation over and over and over again until you feel better about it.” Yeah that one I am not finding in my Bible.

Here’s what I did when I overheard that conversation (which by the way has been COMPLETELY altered to protect the guilty and innocent alike). First I sinned. I immediately went to John and told him all about it.

“Ah!” I agonized, “Why do people have to talk about others!”
“Grr!” I growled, “it makes me SO mad!”
All of a sudden that little voice chimed in. You know the one, that little voice in your head. I am sure you have heard it once or twice too.
My voice said, “Ahem… Jami… what are you doing right now? Ummmm…. Aren’t you talking about people right now? Aren’t you even sitting in judgment of those same people?”
I didn’t even try to defend myself. I realized that God let me hear that teeny tiny “speck in my neighbor’s eye” so I could recognize the HUMONGOUS plank sticking out of mine!

What to do? What to do? Now that I realized that I was sinning how was I going to stop? It is so HARD to hear that small voice in your head when you are angry or worked up about something! So what was I to do in order to get control of this sinful behavior?

Here’s what I did. I went to the best little consciences I know: my children. They hear nearly everything I say, as I rarely remember to censor what I am saying for their benefit. So I said to them, “Guys Momma has a problem with talking bad about people. Have you ever heard Momma talking bad about someone?” Noah immediately piped up with the exact one I was feeling most guilty about. “Yes, Noah that’s a perfect example! Momma does say bad things about that person when she is aggravated.” I then explained to the kids that God doesn’t want us to talk bad about others and that I needed their help. I asked them if they overheard me talking bad about someone to simply say to me, “Momma, should you be talking about that?”

I’ve yet to experience the conviction from one of my children on this issue, but I am sure it will come. I know myself, a filthy rotten sinner. I am sure that I will do it again, and probably soon. I also know my children. They are so good at innocently stating the obvious without any tact at all like, “Hey Mom, your tummy looks like you are growing a baby again.” So I am hopeful that between the little voice in my head and the little people running around my feet, I will become more aware of when I am falling into this trap of sin. Because as stated in a previous blog, when I see something wrong around me, I need to “Be the change I want to see.” I am the only one in this WHOLE world who I have the power to change. So I am going to work hard to change that one person, ME, and hope that eventually it spreads to others around me.

I apologize. I do not feel like this blog is very pithy or well-written. I let the message fester inside of me so long that I feel like it came out as a bit of a jumbled mess. In the future, I have to work to stop being so stubborn. But alas, that is an entirely different blog.

Be the Change You Want to See!

These words have been floating around in my head for several weeks. I decided it was time to blog about them and quickly googled them to see if maybe I had heard them somewhere and that’s why they have been stuck in my head. They are part of a quote from Ghandi. (Odd… it’s not like I have ever consciously studied Ghandi.) Regardless, the wisdom of these words has been coming at me frequently. Here are a few examples:

John and I have been praying HARD for revival for many weeks now. After seeing the movie, Facing the Giants, we were inspired by the man who walked the halls at the high school praying for revival as he touched the lockers. We have been focusing most of our prayer for revival on New Day Church; however, we pray that revival will spread to all corners of this earth. Therefore on Sunday mornings, we arrive early to church, and we walk through the rows of chairs praying for revival and touching each chair. Recently, I keep hearing God telling me, “Be the change you want to see.” I think he is telling me if I want revival at my church, in this land, then I need to spark a revival in my own heart. I need to get set on fire for God anew. Then that spark in my heart can start to spread to my church and throughout the whole earth. “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” (James 3:5).

Another way these words have been ministering to me is sort of a new twist on an old favorite, the Golden Rule. I am a very sensitive person (this might possibly be the biggest understatement in the world). I get hurt so easily, and once hurt, I often find myself wallowing around in the pain, “Why, oh why, did they do that?” “How, oh how, could a person be like that?” Lately I have heard God calling me to step out of the mud and muck of the pain I am wallowing in and do something to make a difference. I have heard Him saying, “Be the change you want to see.” It is inspiring me to greater heights of patience, loving kindness, and impartiality. When someone is impatient and rude to me at the grocery store, I counter with patience in my reply to them. When someone is cruel or unkind to me, I try to respond with love and kindness. When I feel slighted by a judgmental comment, I vow to strive harder to be impartial and never pass judgment.

I am sure some reading this are thinking but that doesn’t make a difference! You being nice to a rude person doesn’t stop them from being rude to the next person. You being kind doesn’t mean everyone in this world will be kind. You refusing to be judgmental doesn’t end unfairness around the world. But I believe differently. I believe that one person can make a difference, and I believe that even if all I changed was my filthy, rotten, sinful response, than that is still something good.

So go out today and “Be the change you want to see.” If nothing else you will change yourself, and that is still something very good.