Aftershock

I have blogged about this phenomenon before.... when God uses Pandora to preach a sermon to me. It happened to me again this a.m. as I biked, and I feel compelled to share the message(s) He spoke to me.

Oftentimes I find the "aftershock" can be worse than the "earthquake".... During the earthquake moments, I get by on adrenaline kept aloft by the prayers of MANY of you walking through my trial with me. But when the aftershocks come, my adrenaline has worn off.... an exhaustion starts to set in and I FEEL the stress and pain left in the wake of the earthquake.

This weekend might have been harder for me than when John was actually IN the hospital. Saturday was a nice reprieve [John and I had a kid-free day.... If you follow me on FB you know I found my dream rocker which I have been SEARCHING for for at least 2 years]

and Sunday morning God SCREAMED, "I love you Jami." from the worship set list [FB friends:  remember this post from Thursday night:

Jami Lynn Kastner shared a link.

June 12

How many times in the past five years have I chased an ambulance to the hospital? 5? 6? Maybe even 7?

Today as I RUSHED to St. Luke's my fear was palpable, and I could feel myself losing it. Hannah and Elijah were in the van with me.... That was the ONLY thing keeping me under control. I knew if I fell apart they would too. And then God GRIPPED me with a lyric from this song bubbling up in my heart:

"I will look back and see that You are faithful
I look ahead believing You are able"

And His peace SWIRLED around my soul as I realized... 5? 6? 7? times He has gotten us through. This time WILL be NO different!

If you need a little encouragement tonight listen to this song. I'll be playing it on repeat as I drift off to sleep. 

well THAT song was the last song of the worship set yesterday.....] I BAWLED like a baby as the words washed over my soul!

...but the rest of the weekend was a murky MESS of pain, irritation and impatience.

Right now I am just past exhausted with VERY thin skin and absolutely NO patience. I am taking EVERYTHING personally. I am BLOWING UP (okay if not on the outside at least on the inside) over every minor infraction. And honestly, I don't even like to be around myself right now.

Last night I started feeling like I'm coming down with something [body aches, headache] and this morning I awoke with a sore throat, but I was BOUND and DETERMINED to bike this morning, and am I glad I did because God had a sermon waiting for me on my Pandora station! Because music ministers to my soul so much, I am including videos of the songs in case you want to hear one....

Pandora Station:  Barlow Girls

Song 1:
Hold 
by Superchick (can I just say how I LOVE Superchick???  MMMMM!)

most gripping lyrics:
Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
Help me find the way through all my fears

Lord, I'm so tired.... please get me through THIS day... I don't know how to pray because I don't even KNOW what emergency might be on the horizon... help me to face this day without fear, and NO MATTER WHAT don't leave me!

Song 2:
You're Not Alone
by Meredith Andrews

most gripping lyrics:
You're not alone for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life

Every single dark alley I've walked down.... Every night I spent alone in my bed afraid of what the test results would bring... YOU have seen me through God!

Song 3:
Held
by Natalie Grant

most gripping lyrics:
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

The promise NEVER has been ANYTHING other than I would be HELD.  And I have been HELD.

Song 4:
Crawl
by Superchick

On this one the WHOLE song GRIPPED me....
How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
'Cause I have You
And if I had to crawl

Well, You'd crawl too

I stumble and I fall

Carry me through

The wonder of it all is You 

See me through

Oh, Lord, where are you?

Do not forget me here

I cry in silence

Can You not see my tears?

When all have left me
And hope has disappeared

You'll find me here

And when I had to crawl
Well, You crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is You
See me through
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me

I have been crying in silence... trying to be strong... afraid to say how scared I really am... unsure if I can verbalize the pain in the depths of me.... but you HAVE NOT lost me.  You WILL NOT lose me.

As always I hope this jumbled mess has ministered to someone, but honestly the writing of it has ministered to me and maybe that's all God wanted this for.

Have a great day everyone!

Shame is NOT God's game....

We've been down to the bottom, stories we've got em

When we hit rock bottom

If you been there put your hands in the air

So let the lost know that someone cares

Superchick

I've been thinking a lot about shame lately. In that Karen Kingsbury book I finished last week the main character was overwhelmed by the shame of a ten-year old sin. She even fretted God would punish someone if she prayed for them, because her sin was so grievous.

You know what? We've all got sin. None of us is exempt. We all have something we wish NO ONE knew, and we fear EVERYONE will find out. And trust me... God is not put off by our ickiness... "While we were still sinners...." (Romans 5:8) That's when Christ died for us!

Shame is just such a silly waste of time! God doesn't want your shame or guilt. He wants you to be convicted. He wants you to turn away from your sin. But wallowing in shame.... That's the devil's game... Not God's.

If you have a sin in your past (or even in your present) don't waste time on the shame game! Confess it! Turn away from it! And start your journey away from it. That's God's game.

Sometimes I get scared....

I awoke wedged between John and a naked Hannah with Elijah's foot shoved squarely in the place I use to expel waste from my body. Hannah had obviously had an accident for she was in my bed naked with a towel wrapped around her. Elijah is like a stealth bomber, because earlier in the night he had tried to invade the sanctity of my bed, but I awoke and sent him back to his own domain. This time he presented a sneakier attack, entering at the foot of the bed and placing his head there. Hence the foot in my "private area." I tried to fall back to sleep. Honestly I did. But I couldn't stop thinking about Hannah's bare butt on my JUST-cleaned-and-dried-on-the-line-in-the-crisp-fall-air sheets. When I tried to crowd that thought out (trusting that she had peed the bed once in their room she wouldn't pee again in mine) then other thoughts of bills and CT scans and Internet outages which resulted in work not being completed began to crowd in.

Finally, I extricated myself from the narrow slice of bed I had been allotted. After stumbling down the hallway to retrieve a Pull-up, I took care of problem number one: Hannah's bare butt. Then I proceeded to the living room with the laptop and spent some time with Pieces of Flair on Facebook. Finally, realizing that none of this was wedging out the gloom and doom thoughts attacking me, I logged onto Netflix and BAWLED like a baby over Friday Night Lights (why DOES everyone leave Matt Saracen?!?!?! He is a GOOD kid! He takes care of his gramma, stays in school, holds down a job, and he is QB One!!!!) Finally it was 5 a.m. and the day could start, I climbed in the shower and the tears came. That's when I realized: sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm weak, and sometimes I'm scared.

Sometimes I'm tired. I don't want to get up and start working at the crack of dawn in order to be able to start teaching the kids when they wake up and to pick up other people's dirty underwear and do ONE MORE load of laundry! I don't want to sleep wedged between two people I love with the foot of a third person I love shoved up into my woohoo. I don't want to be sleep deprived and exercise deprived and free-time deprived! I miss sleeping. I miss working out. I miss lying in a tanning bed. I miss reading a book. Sometimes I am just T-I-R-E-D!

Sometimes I'm weak. Guess what? I am NOT a woman's lib-er. I do not WANT to be "woman hear me roar." I feel no need to prove that I can do everything a boy can do.... better. I have no problem with the division of labor around my normal house. I have no problem admitting there are things John can do that I can't do.... that I have NO desire to do. I have no desire to be the one knocking down wasp hives and rewiring the Internet connection and dealing with water leaks. I don't want to lie in bed at night hearing the normal night noises and knowing that if an abnormal noise occurs, I have to deal with it myself. Sometimes I'm weak.

Sometimes I'm scared. I'm scared about our finances. Yes God is taking care of our needs day-by-day. We have food in the house right now and our rent has been paid this month. I think I have enough to cover the energy bill and I'll probably be able to pay the cable and cell phones this month, but what about when the medical bills start flooding in? What about when John goes back to work but has to pay back all the insurance premiums he owes? What about when he can only return to one job until he's strong enough for two (one job doesn't pay our bills) and what about if he loses that second job because it is not protected by FMLA? Sometimes I'm scared.

I find myself here at the end of a VERY grueling summer. I have been pushed and prodded, molded and shaped, purified and tested beyond ANYTHING I have ever faced before. I am tired. I am weak. I am scared. But I am also SURE.... sure that my God is bigger than my exhaustion... sure that my God is bigger than my weakness.... sure that my God is bigger than my fear.... sure that there WILL be beauty from my pain.

At the risk of becoming redundant, I must again defer to the wisdom and majesty of the theology of the great band Superchick. This song of theirs is one of my favorites. It haunts my soul. It is poignant. It is gut-wrenchingly real. It is a balm to my soul. Hope you enjoy.

Beauty from Pain
Superchick

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

NOT the only one to walk on THIS road!

I've been there too, when everything falls apart
And the best you can do is get through each day wondering will this never end?
Is it always gonna be this way
And the greatest lie you ever been told
Is you're the only one to walk on this road
And that you'll never see the light of dawn
So we came together to say... hold on
Cuz we've been there and found our way home
We promise you that you're not on your own
One day this will pass
God will see us all through
God will see us all through
God will see us all pass through

Again I’m tapping into the lyrics of the one and only, the greatest band EVER: Superchick. Yesterday as I sat in the hospital praying and waiting for John’s angiogram to be done, I listened to Superchick’s Stories (Down to the Bottom). The above lyrics hit me HARD!

This summer we have been through a grueling, excruciating and debilitating set of circumstances. I am pretty confident that no one else in the world has ever been through this exact sequence of events in such rapid succession; however, that being said, we are still not “the only one to walk on this road.” Even if no one else has experienced the specific traumas we have in the brief span of less than three months, we are NOT the only ones to have walked down the road of pain and suffering so unbearable one can hardly stand up under it.

Satan wants me to believe we are. Satan wants me to wallow in the self-pity of, “Why us?” Satan wants me to justify my sinful reactions by thinking, “Well no one else has ever had to deal with ALL this.” Satan wants me to indulge and rationalize and wail. You know why? Because when I am doing all that, I am stuck in the pain, in the agony, in the misery. When I am doing all that, I am NOT passing through. God will see us through, but if I get stuck in my circumstances, if I allow myself to indulgently partake of the pain and agony and misery, then I cannot move on.

The summer of 2009 has been the Summer of Suffering for the Kastners. However, we are NOT the only ones to walk down a road of suffering, and if I realize that and move on, I WILL pass through. God will see me pass through!

We need all of you more than we ever in our lives have. My dear friend and close confidant told me yesterday, I am praying for you more than I am praying for anyone or anything else right now. It is so encouraging to know that so many are lifting us up in prayer. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God WILL see the Kastners through this most recent struggle; however, on this side of the trauma it is all still so overwhelming.

It is my prayer that today, one of you will read this blog and realize that in your current struggles you are NOT “the only one to walk on this road.” I pray that one of you will read this blog and realize that you WILL see the light of dawn, you are NOT on your own, and God will see you pass through your current trial. May God bless you and take care of ALL of your needs today.

This day is a blessing....

Today I read an old blog my sister wrote. Just as I have in the past, she tapped in to the great wisdom available to us all via the lyrics sung by the one and only Hannah Montana: Life’s what you make it so let’s make it rock! I also received a text from a dear friend about how she has been studying about having “intoxicating joy.” She was ministering to me if intoxicating joy rules our life, then no specific circumstances will matter.

Again I don’t claim to be the brightest bulb in the batch; however, I did not just fall off the turnip truck either. I started to see that God has a message for me today. I recalled how last week another friend ministered to me through the lyrics of my FAVORITE band Superchick:

Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway?
So get our heads up out of the darkness
And spark this new mindset and start to live life cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy is a reminder to take off the blinders
And wake up and live the life we're supposed to take up
Moving forward with all our heads up cuz life is worth living

We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

God’s message to me was clear: live this day! Don’t worry about tomorrow! Don’t wish away this pain! This day is the only day you have been given, and THIS day is GOOD! This day is something to be grateful for. This day is a blessing from God.

I awoke this morning to breakfast in bed, cooked by my amazing husband who had the night before collapsed into bed in grave pain but had awoken this morning determined to push on through his pain and take advantage of this day he had been given. We spent the day with just Noah home, doing chores, spending time together, praying, crying, sharing, and loving. (Okay fine! We did a tiny bit of fighting too!) But this day was a BLESSING! In and of itself, whether there are any more days to share or not, this day was a BLESSING! We are all still a family. We have a roof over our heads. We have food to eat. We have a car to drive. We have jobs. But even if a day comes in the future where we have NONE of that, we have our salvation, and no one and nothing can take THAT away.

Closing tonight with words from I Peter 1…

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade – kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. (vs 3 – 7)