Thoughts on jealousy

Last night John and I watched Not Easily Broken. It was at least a “3-cry” movie. It is about marriage and is based on a novel by T.D. Jakes. At one point, the wife confronts the husband because she suspects he is having an affair. She asks, “Did you sleep with her?” He tells her he did not, but he tells her he does have feelings for the other woman. The wife collapses back against her pillow deeply wounded and says, “She’s stolen your heart from me?” The scene was especially poignant for me.

I have long maintained that it would be much worse if my husband had an emotional affair then it would be if he had a physical affair. It would hurt much more to know that his heart had been captivated by another woman. Perhaps that is why Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:27 – 28 He knew that a sin does not have to be carried all the way through to commission to bring devastating results.

John gets irritated when I am on the computer when he is home. It does not matter if I am on the computer writing or working or if I am on the computer playing on Facebook or chatting. It drives him nuts! This week it came up during the American Idol finale. I was rapidly commenting, chatting, and posting on Facebook during the finale. He was hurt and irritated because he was sitting right there and I still had to be on Facebook conversing with other people. As I walked up the stairs to go to bed that night, God started ministering to me: John has a right to be jealous. You have very little time with him home. He has a right to be jealous when you spend some of that precious time ignoring him. Then God took it further by showing me jealousy is not a sinful emotion, even He feels jealousy.

For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24. God wants my affections, my time, my HEART! How it must wound Him when someone or something else steals my heart from Him. Lately my life has heated up to a rapid boil. The first things to be sacrificed on my altar of craziness always seem to be: prayer and Bible study. I let my heart be stolen by a stupid job, by needing a cleaner house, by Facebook over and over and over again, and God has a right to be jealous!

My God and my husband, in that order, deserve my whole heart. They have a right to be jealous when I allow busyness, socializing, even service to steal my heart away from them. So today I am going to purpose in my heart to stop giving my heart away to others, to strive for a better balance (even in the busy times) which gives my God and my husband their proper places in my heart.

Danny Gokey is NOT the American Idol

So by now I’m sure you all know it, Danny Gokey got eliminated from American Idol. I have allowed myself to mope around for several days and now I think I am finally ready to face my fears and blog about it. I fully believe what I blogged about last month – that if God had wanted Danny Gokey to be the American Idol, NOTHING would have stood in Danny’s way. However, the question I faced this week is what do you do when your will and God’s will don’t line up? I so desperately wanted Danny Gokey to be the next American Idol. I wanted a Christian to win American Idol. I wanted to be able to say I am once removed from knowing the American Idol. I really truly think Danny was the best of all of the Idol hopefuls. So what to do when God’s will doesn’t line up with Jami’s will?

The main character in my favorite movie, Facing the Giants faced this same question. In the movie, Coach Grant Taylor struggles through many different situations where his will is not lining up with God’s will. One of those situations is in the area of fertility. He and his wife have been unsuccessfully trying to have a baby. At one point, he asks his wife, if God never gives us a baby, will you still love Him? I paraphrased this question when I asked it of my husband recently. See we have a couple of chronic situations going on in our life. One major one is rapidly approaching a culmination. We are praying for relief and cautiously optimistic that this “thorn in our flesh” will be removed soon. But I asked him this week, if God doesn’t remove it, will you still love Him?

To be honest, I struggle a little when my will doesn’t line up with God’s will. I know that His ways are higher. I know that His plan is way better, but sometimes like a stubborn child I cling tightly to my way. I was seriously and truly in a bit of a funk Thursday and Friday. My American Idol had been eliminated, and while I fully believed God had bigger and better things for Danny Gokey than American Idol, I was still a little salty that he was out of the game. I think Danny himself was handling the rejection better than I was. (see this video) But once I got past my petulance, I started thinking about God’s will again. I started realizing that there are so many things on this earth which will leave us without an answer to the question, “Why?” We can guess and speculate. We can come up with theories and ideas, but there are some things we just will never know for sure. Because of that, we have to constantly work to say to God, “Not my will but yours. Not my way but yours.”

If you are facing a difficult situation today, if you are up against a formidable enemy, I think the best way to handle it is to face the fight with cautious optimism. Be honest and tell Him what you want. But be prepared for the fact that His will may not be the same as your will in this situation. Be confident of this fact: no matter what, His will is better than your will.

I am hopelessly addicted to the television show House. In a very funny episode, he once quoted the “great philopher Mick Jaegger.” Mimicking House, I often say (even sometimes sing) these words to my children too, “You can’t always get what you want.” For Christians I think the key to this sentiment is in this part of the lyrics, “you get what you need.” Maybe that’s the secret? When our will doesn’t line up with God’s will, we can take comfort in the fact that even if we didn’t get what we wanted, we always get what we need.

God's Will viewed through American Idol

The other night I had an exhausting night of dreams fraught with deep meaning. For example in one part of my dream, I was outside a building with Hannah. All of sudden in the distance, I saw a tornado approaching. I knew I had no time to run inside so I just huddled close to the building and shielded Hannah with my body. Bricks flew from the building and glass shattered as the tornado devastated all around us, but we were not harmed by the storm. As I reflected on the dream the next day, I realized that this was just like what my family has been enduring for the past few years. Destruction and devastation rages all around us, yet God shields us with His body protecting us from being harmed by the storm.

In another part of my dream, I was walking with American Idol contestant Danny Gokey. (Yes, I full well realize that I probably watch and google American Idol too much.) As Danny and I walked along, he expressed to me his concern about being eliminated from the show. I turned to him and said, “If it is God’s will for you to be the next American Idol, there is nothing that can stand in your way. If it is not God’s will, do you really want it?”

I have often found myself in this same position. I recall right after John and I first got married. We had moved to Denver and were trying to make it there. I interviewed for several teaching positions. I was rejected over and over again. I remember trying so hard to remind myself that I wanted God to close the doors that I was not supposed to walk through, but still the rejection stung so badly. I wrestled with God and cried out my pain and fear. Finally, a deep peace settled upon me. I knew what I truly wanted was to be in the center of God’s will for my life. It did not make the rejection hurt any less, but it refocused my eyes onto what was really important. After just five months of living in Denver, God led John and me back home to Wisconsin. As I recalled the rejection of my job hunt, I realized that had I gotten a job I would not have been free to return to Wisconsin. I would not have been free to be in the center of God's will.

What’s the rejection you’re facing today? Whether you are trying to be the next American Idol, searching desperately for a job, or chasing some other dream, I hope that you too desire nothing more and nothing less than His will for your life.

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple. Psalm 27:4