I got a WEALTH of wisdom from the comments/e-mails sent about this morning's blog! I finally think I have some answers to my questions! But this stuff was too good NOT to share so I'm going to let you all in on the secrets I was told. Don't worry I PROMISE to protect the identities of the wise ones in the bunch.
"Write down the things that you are holding onto...things that you are fearful of flowing out if your dam gets too full. Put them in a bucket and burn them up...as your way of handing them over to the Lord. Watch the smoke go up to the heavens....as you trust the Lord to do HIS THING.)" I liked this idea... If a hurt is coming back to "haunt you," this seems like it would be a good idea for dealing with it. Symbolic… Final… Bringing closure…. I’ve been seeing lately how good closure can feel. So I pocketed this idea for use in the future.
"…the acquaintances in your life that ask you how you are. I don't think that they really want more than ‘fine.’ However, if someone comes and says, 'No really, how are YOU?' They are ready and willing to listen and maybe help. You shouldn't shrug that off, God may be using them to help lift your load." This was a good kick in the pants to me… Many, many, many times when we were struggling last fall, someone would ask me how were we doing, and I could tell, I could just TELL that they really did NOT want to hear how we were REALLY doing. But there were also MANY times someone asked me how we were doing…. How we were REALLY doing… and I was too scared or numb or angry to answer. I should have seized the opportunity that God had given me….
Have I ever mentioned before how bad I am in person??? I am fairly adept at written communication, but in person, verbally, I STINK! In writing I have the chance to go back and read (and re-read) what I’ve said…. To make sure it conveys my point appropriately…. To make sure my words were presented in a Christlike manner… Not so much in verbal conversation… No chance to rewind and reword something. I get nervous because verbal communication takes away my delete button and what typically happens is one of two things: 1. I start to cry 2. I get diarrhea of the mouth and start to babble. THEREFORE, I am much better on paper than I am in person. Still this is NO excuse to ignore the prompting of the Lord. I vow from now on, if someone wants to know how I am doing.... how I am REALLY doing... I will be transparent even if they are asking me in person and not in e-mail.
"Once burnt.... twice shy..." I think this is an adage I should employ more often. I know I've talked before of being accused of being too forgiving. While I do not think there is such a thing as "too forgiving," I do think that I tend to move too quickly back into relationship with people who have hurt me and that I need to practice this saying a little more in order to protect my heart. Which leads me to a second comment, which I think goes hand in hand with it…. "When someone has done something horrible it's ok to say. 'I'm working through the process of forgiving you, God is helping me through this, and I'm not yet ready to resume a relationship.'" Taking this a step further, I now am starting to believe it is not only possible, but sometimes also the wisest choice available, to forgive a person and NEVER step back into relationship with them.
"I have wrestled with continuing in relationship with someone who ALWAYS sees the worst in me." I have decided that I have WAY too many people like this in my life…. People who are quick to assume the worst in me. People who standing before something I did or said will typically interpret it negatively and assume I meant to hurt them. People who seem unable to give me the benefit of the doubt that I did NOT mean to hurt them. I struggle and stay in relationship with them because maybe God wants me to be an example to them and help them see how to expect the best in others??? Maybe I’m supposed to put on my cheerleader smile and think the best of them and change the situation??? Here I think is the crux of the situation I am dealing with…. When I continually extend a hand of peacefulness, believing the best in someone and I am continually met with their negative opinion of me… it HURTS like Hades! That is the gunk that builds up…. I try and try and TRY to cover over that hurt with love but it tends to build and build and BUILD…. But this leads me to:
The winning comment…. DING! DING! DING! DING! We have a WINNER over here! Here was the comment that most completely ministered to my angst. The one, complete solution to my dilemma "simply to say out loud 'that hurts my feelings' or 'it makes me angry when...' once you verbalize it, the feelings dissipate. I think the key to being Christlike is to verbalize the emotions in a calm manner. " And that folks was the closing act! That was exactly what I needed to hear! Exactly what revealed my problem. I thought that being Christlike included admitting to myself something hurt me or made me angry and hashing it out with God honestly… but I could not figure out what to do with that leftover feeling of anger and hurt so they built up in me and were causing extreme emotional distress… Now I feel like Louis Pasteur gazing in wonder at penicillin… This is going to be life-changing… this is going to be earth shattering! If I can learn to simply without accusation or viciousness of any kind, say, “It hurt my feelings that...” or “It makes me angry when…” I think I will be slowly releasing the pressure behind the dam…. Nothing will be allowed to build up for it would be expressed as soon as it happens… Not only will the dam of Christ's love make a difference on my outside… It will be changing the inside of me too… AND or the glorious AND… I will finally be able to feel that I am being honest… really truly honest about what I think and feel… Gone will be this nagging feeling that I am somehow being disingenuous.
I don’t know if this little journey through Jami’s struggle has ministered to anyone else, but I feel a peace in my heart that this was NOT all for naught. God used all of YOU to lead ME to a revelation this time (and some of you didn’t even have to go public with your musings J). But don’t be deceived… that knocking sound you hear is my knees colliding because I am trembling in fear over my first dose of honesty. Oh Lord give me strength!
Go with God y’all! And try as hard as you can to walk in complete honesty… I have a feeling it will be good for all of our souls.
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