Tomorrow is the day...

12/19.... post-op appointment... excited... nervous.... expectant.... hopeful....

Tomorrow a.m. John is going to get an xray then just before lunch we meet with Dr. Ahuja for results.

We are praying for:

1. the xray to reveal bone growth
2. to be moved to a soft collar neck brace
3. to be RELEASED to return to work

Will you please pray with us???

Please pray for me....

This always seems to backfire on me.... when I ask for prayer I get prayer, but I also get some people attacking me for being too open about my needs or some people sending unsolicited advice (which is usually like lemon juice in a papercut) to help me fix my problem or just flat out JUDGEMENT about how I could be so open and honest and say what is really going on.  However, because I know that I desperately NEED those prayers that will come (Roz, Terri, Peggy, Renee, my sisters, MOM... you know who you are!!!) I have to put this out there and risk the other gunk.

I am REALLY and truly drowning a lil bit over here.  I can't remember the last time I had a full day off to just do nothing. I get up and start working at 6 a.m., and I literally don't get done with everything until around 9 p.m. EVERY night. My weekends have been fuller than my weekdays lately and through it all I am trying to carry the weight of another medical trial. Things are falling apart a little in my house. It's a MESS and I am trying to stay ahead of the chaos but it isn't really working. Cheerleading is amping up as well.... homecoming week is next week and (well anyone even slightly familiar with cheerleading or with high school for that matter knows how crazy a homecoming week gets)... I'm helping with the Christmas program at church and as you can all read a calendar I'm sure you realize that is coming quickly. And because that stuff hasn't seemed to crush me, Satan has started throwing all sorts of other unrelated little "flaming arrows" at me.

Every time I end up in one of these situations I think, SURELY I am as tired/overwhelmed/exhausted/under attack as I could ever be, but NOPE!  Each time I hit a brand new level of tired/overwhelmed/exhausted/under attack.

So once again like I did in a recent blog, I guess I will focus on what I know:

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

God IS with me.  No matter what it FEELS like. No matter how hard the battle rages. No matter what the devil throws at me. God IS WITH ME.... right beside me... in the thick of the fray... He will NEVER leave me or forsake me.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. James 5:16

I need to confess these struggles to my friends/family.... so you can pray for me.... so I will be delivered through these struggles.  because YOUR prayers are powerful and effective.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Ephesians 6:13

I need to equip myself.... pray and read the Word and praise God and ask for prayer and then I just need to stand. When I have done everything else I just need to STAND. It doesn't have to be pretty..... or perfect... The Bible doesn't say when you have done everything stand victorious and strong without mud on your face. It says after you have done everything, to STAND.

Thank you faithful friends who have journeyed with us through 4 long years of "in sickness".... Thank you new friends who are just catching the sequel of our story.... Thank you ALL and please whatever you do, PRAY that I might be able to STAND in spite of all Satan's attacks.

An update on John...

I'm sorry!  I know this post is HOPELESSLY overdue!  I should have written last week. The only excuse I have is that I have literally been racing from task to task for 8 days straight hardly getting a chance to take a breath.  (What else is new, right?)

John's surgery went SO well. There had been fears that since the MRI they were going off of was quite old, that when they got in there they would need to fuse more vertebrae then anticipated. However, when Dr. Ahuja came out to update me after surgery, he said that it looked better than expected when they opened John up, and the surgery went extremely well. WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

This was literally the best hospital stay we have had in the past 4 years (which is saying something because John has been hospitalized 6 time since 2009!) Every single nurse, CNA, receptionist, doctor, therapist, security guard we encountered was AWESOME!  They were kind, friendly, helpful. Seriously if you need to go to the hospital, Kenosha Medical Center is the place to go! We were only in the hospital for 28 hours from check-in to discharge.  WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

John is adhering STRICTLY to all the restrictions the Dr. gave:  no driving, lifting only 8 to 10 pounds, wear the neck brace CONSTANTLY.  For those of you who know him, I'm sure this comes as quite a surprise. John Joseph Kastner following the rules?!?!?!?  Really???  All I can say is:  WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

Recovery is going EXCEPTIONALLY well! Every day, John gets a little stronger and his pain diminishes a little more. Just 8 days after surgery, and he is already taking less pain medication then he has taken in years!  We were able to attend my family's Thanksgiving celebration just 2 days after surgery, AND we made it to church this past Sunday! We are VERY optimistic about the success of this procedure, and we KNOW it is because:  WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.

Psalm 86:10

Please continue in prayer for us.
*We are praying about John's 12/19 post-op appointment. At that appointment, we NEED the x-ray to reveal bone growth so that the Dr. will clear John to return to work.
*Also pray for me.  This Momma is WIPED OUT!  Monday I dove HEAD FIRST back into my regular schedule:  worked 5 hours, homeschooled, coached cheer, cared for a recovering hubby, an old lady, and a newborn. I am SO far beyond exhausted at this point and IT IS ONLY MONDAY! But don't worry.  I haven't forgotten

WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

The things that I know...

My heart is full yet somehow the road by which these feelings typically travel out of my heart is blocked..... clogged.

I'm searching for just the right analogy to explain the raw and unadultered fear,  chaos and tension that is bubbling just under the surface of this calm exterior I'm trying to put forth.

Have you ever read the B book? It's an easy reader we have in our library. Pages and pages of B things are introduced. All balancing precariously on a bear on a ball until at last the tiniest bird lands atop the pile, and CRASH the whole thing comes tumbling down. Maybe that's the word picture I'm searching for.

I'm in the midst of a CRAZY full weekend which ends a VERY busy week. I hosted a brunch this morning,  coached a game after that and rushed to teach Christmas choreography after that all while developing a nasty cold. Tomorrow will bring the teaching of more choreography, prepping for the week and a cabke guy appointment.  Then Monday a FULL day of work,  capped off by cheer practice.   I am holding this all together.... placing my ducks in a row... yet still there is this eerie feeling that one tiny little bird atop my pile and CRASH it will ALL come tumbling down.

So what's a girl to do?  In times of uncertainty...  Facing another grueling mountain... Not feeling up to the climb... well I guess I will just focus on the things that I KNOW:

*my God is in control.... time and time again He has proven this. .. I don't expect this time to be any different.
* my husband is a STRONG and capable man who already triumphed over brain surgery
*my children are deeply rooted and will likely be the ones carrying me through on their rock-solid faith
*my family will rally behind me no matter what comes my way
*God's people will be faithful in prayer and in deed

And most importantly....  the thing I know best without a shadow of a doubt:

*He WILL be glorified through the circumstances of this coming week

Please continue to keep John in your prayers.  We are praying and BELIEVING for a SUCCESSFUL surgery,  a MIRACULOUS recovery,  and many MANY chances to proclaim His goodness,  power and mercy.  Thank you for praying with us.

Worship Wednesday: From the Inside Out

This song WRECKS me every time I hear it!

From the Inside Out

A thousand times I've failed

Still Your mercy remains

Should I stumble again

Still I'm caught in Your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else

My purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing You praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul

I give You control

Consume me from the inside out 

Let justice and praise

Become my embrace

To love you from the inside out

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

From the inside out

Lord my soul cries out...

A thousand times..... again... STILL.... no matter how much... no matter how many times... When I fail, I'm CAUGHT in Your Grace! 

When the newness and excitement fades.... when the nearness of friends and family fades... when even my hope fades... YOUR LIGHT will shine when ALL else fades!

Even when my emotions want to run away from me... Even when I'm scared and uncertain.... Even when things are a chaotic jumble of tasks and bills and aches and pains... In my heart, in my soul, I give YOU control.

My whole purpose... is about bringing You praise. Whether I'm standing at the altar with a smile on my face or whether I'm knee-deep in the muck of troubles and pain... I just want to be lost in praising You Lord.... I want to disappear as You shine through me and the situations I face.

AND MY FAVORITE PART.... the part that TRULY wrecks me... leaves my face tear streaked... breaks my heart and heals it again.... and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise....

Today Lord, my soul cries out to praise you....
all I ever want to be known for....
all I ever want to spend my time on...
my legacy...
my purpose....
is to bring You praise.
Lord may You be PRAISED in my life today,
may You be PRAISED in my family today,
may You be PRAISED in this world today.
Amen

Somehow this just turned into a prayer. I couldn't help myself I guess.  I hope this song... it's lyrics... or my jumbled up thoughts regarding them both have ministered to someone in some way. Have a great Wednesday everyone!