At the end of me....

I have been resisting blogging about this because I'm just not even sure what to say or how to say it. To some extent it all sounds like a broken record... and I'm not sure why anyone would even want to read more of it. I know I am sick of living it... so I don't blame you if you're sick of reading it. But I have to blog it because ALL STINKING DAY, God has been pressing on me to BLOG this!  Grrrrrr!!!!!

When John was last in the hospital and in the subsequent doctor's appointments when we were told he would be out of work for two weeks and unable to drive for four more weeks, I was bound and DETERMINED to handle this most recent medical nightmare like a champ! I knew in my head that God was going to get us through this. I remembered He had gotten us through impossible situations at least three times in the past 2 years. I believed in my heart He was gonna come through again. Therefore, because of my knowledge and belief, I so desperately wanted to do this one in a way that would make my Heavenly Daddy proud. No tears... No questions... No worries.... Just pure childlike faith that He would carry me.

About 2 1/2 weeks into this, it almost feels as if I am being punished for that desire. It is like Satan said, "Fine! If that doesn't make you worry, I'll give you a little more! What??? That isn't bringing the tears? How about this? Ha! I will get YOU yet! I will throw this dart at you!"

I am literally and truly and completely at the end of myself, and I know in my heart that this is where I find God. I know this is the BEST place to be because at the end of me is when He can finally work, but y'all I just don't know how much longer I can do my part anymore.

1. I am TIRED. bone-weary, achingly at the end of myself TIRED. I cannot count how many times I've cried this week... or even today... out of just SHEER exhaustion! My plate was always quite full and now adding an extra 2 hours of driving to it each day threatens to overturn the whole apple cart from its precarious perch (forgive me for the mixing of my metaphors... did I already mention: I'M TIRED!!!!)

2. I am WEARY of fighting and believing and persevering!  For example, let me just share one hour of my day with you. In the midst of participating in the annual benefits enrollment for MU, John and I came to the realization that our premium will be going up by $108 per month next year! WOWZER! "That was a sucker punch to the gonads!" (name that movie and you get a bonus point) As I was reeling from the implications and thinking, "How are we going to absorb THAT on the heels of losing a 3rd of our income due to the Great Tanking of Demand Media (if you haven't read the hoopla about that you're likely not a freelance writer)." When all of a sudden Noah brought in the mail, which revealed that the insurance company was denying nearly $2K in charges from Hannah's surgery in August. I called them, trying to maintain my composure... only to find that those denied charges were for the part where the doctor did the scraping of that rash Hannah had so that she wouldn't have to face a SECOND surgery in the future. I was terrified and about to vomit when they said there "was no pre-certification for that". I sat on hold for AT LEAST 10 minutes nauseous and churning. But don't worry the story has a happy ending.... after I provided the details they approved the claim... However, the damage the stress did to my heart, my body, and my spirit had already been done.  I feel like a boxer getting pummeled and just trying to make until the bell signals the end of the round. I am just WEARY... in fact as I just told my friend, I need a new word for weary that means MEGA weary... like way far beyond exhausted... past depleted... but not quite to dead... what's the word for that??? coma?

I guess by this point you are getting the fact that I'm begging for more prayers.... I know in my heart that even if I don't feel Him here at the end of me, He is here. I know in my heart that even if it seems like He missed His cue to intervene, He is not late. I know in ever fiber of my being HE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN ME! But if I'm being gut-level honest, it sure doesn't feel that way.

Yesterday I retweeted Joyce Meyer:

It's easy to quit -- it takes faith to go through.


I'm trying y'all!  I promise I am trying to go through. And I'm not giving up. But if I'm being gut-level honest, I sure do want to.

Prayers MUCH appreciated!