I left John and Hannah in radiology waiting for our copy of the MRI disc and followed the orange and then the gray diamonds toward the exit. Somewhere around the time I passed the pharmacy, I started to notice the knot in my stomach. By the time I reached the glass elevator, my throat was closing up and my pulse was racing. I climbed the steps and willed myself not to break out in a sprint. I could tell that I was sweating, and I felt certain that if I had to inhale one more breath of that canned hospital air I would vomit. I'm not entirely sure how I made it to the minivan. All I know for sure is that FIRST breath of stifling hot 90° air outside the revolving door at St. Luke's was HEAVENLY.
Today we went to church for the first time in a LONG time, but I hardly noticed. I was too busy waging an internal temper tantrum that would have impressed even a toddler in his terrible two's! Yesterday's panic attack had left me raw and aching, and I was RIPE for a vicious and awful attack from the devil. See one thing Satan does NOT do is fight fair! He waits till you are staggering with pain... He doesn't stop when you fall to your knees... Your prostrate form almost lifeless on the ground only excites him and encourages him to take one more shot. And he knows just where to aim and land jab after jab in you heart, your spirit, your soul. Because I had taken on the form of a 2-year old in my heart, I entertained the devil's attack. I let his scathing words and vicious accusations bat my heart back and forth in my chest. I should have SCREAMED, "Get thee behind me Satan!" Instead I allowed him to throw gasoline on the fire of my fear and anger.
Tonight I'm still reeling and aching and sore. I brought a knife (actually a child's toy knife) to a gun battle and the resulting carnage is insane.
I guess the lesson I have tonight is DON'T cave to Satan! DON'T underestimate him. DO NOT give ear to his nonsense.
No matter what your circumstances look like tonight remember that we know the end! In the end, God wins and Satan is defeated. Let that encourage you to fight anew, my friends.
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