Back at the beginning....

It hit me as I stood in my kitchen this morning.  I mean don't get me wrong.  I have been there the past two days.  I know John was zoomed to one hospital in an ambulance and zoomed in another ambulance to a different hospital.  It grazed over the surface of my brain that this was all a freaky sense of deja vu:  back in the Neuro ICU, same faces we had seen 14 months ago, same words flying around:  CT, MRI, EEG, same hallways to walk, same Noodles to eat and Starbucks to drink.  However, this morning I was walking through the kitchen listening to my husband coughing away in the bathroom.  (He has a touch of a cold and had just asked me, "Isn't green bad?")  I thought, He should hop in the shower.  The steam would open him up a little.  when an image of the cane we bought him last night flashed into my mind.  And as real as hitting a wall of cement at 75 miles per hour everything came to a HALT.

I realized.  We are BACK there.  We are pretty much EXACTLY where we were 14 months ago before John had his surgery.  He can't use his life side very well (better than Friday but still not very well).  He is WEAK (which is a situation that in and itself TERRIFIES me.  My big strong, tough, a little bit scary husband  weakened is just a petrifying situation for me.)  and we do NOT know what is going on with him.  We don't know what this "lesion on the cerebellum" is, but we do know that:  John needs to use a cane to get around.  We also know that while the doctor said he COULD return to work on Monday, he also said if John had some sick time available he SHOULD take it easy this week.  Therefore, John should be out of work.  It is all VERY reminiscent of last year, and I have a secret to tell:

I am scared.

I'm not really scared of what we're going to go through.  I know that I know that I know:  God is IN control.  He has our back.  All things work together for good to those who love God.... I know these things deep in my being.  However, right here, right now, poised at the threshold of enduring this again, I'm afraid I can't do it again.  It is silly really.  I've done this before.  I've limped through the days before diagnosis trying to force my worries into submission.  I've wrestled my fears in a waiting room full of other loved ones.  I've fought a VERY stubborn man to get his butt in gear and help me get him healthy.  I've humiliated myself admitting to others we needed financial help.  I've endured the scorn which came from those who felt I should have kept my financial needs to myself and let God provide for my needs without me asking people for help.  I shuffled, head down, eyes averted through the shame of applying for energy assistance and food stamps.  I have held that little green card hidden in my hand while trying to swipe it without anyone else at Walmart knowing I was paying with a Quest card.  I've watched this man I love more than my own life reduced to half of himself and struggling through forming a new identity based upon the fact that the one thing he REALLY valued in himself, his strength, was completely gone.  I have toughed it out when faced with terror on my babies faces and in their hearts.  So rationally, based upon the fact that I have done all of this before and lived to tell about it, it is silly really that I am scared.

But guess what?  In spite of the fact that I have done it all before and made it through to the other side, I don't wanna do it again.  And part of why I don't wanna do it again is I am not sure I can do it again.  I know God has the strength to get us through this.  I know Dr. Ahuja is smart enough to get us through this.  I know our family is faithful enough to get us through this.  I know that our friends pray hard enough to get us through this.  But I don't know if I, Jami Lynn Kastner, can do this.  Because I just DON'T WANNA!  I wanna go back!  I wanna be in that place where we were complaining about all the medication John has to take and whining about the fact that he still struggles to turn his head to the side.  Instead of sitting here worrying what this fricken lesion thing means.  I wanna be in the place where we were planning to spend the Christmas "bonus" we just got on nice presents for Amanda & Amber for once and a trip to a water park for the little ones.  Instead of having to sock that money away in case John is out of work again.  I wanna be in the place where we had triumphed THROUGH our struggles.  Instead of here in the first chapter of a new book of struggles.

Alas, as I always say to my children, channeling the spirit of the great Mick Jaeger, "You can't always get what you want."  I want to be a size 9 again.  I want to sleep through the night without some one's little piggies jabbing me in my private area.  I want to clean the kitchen floor and have it stay clean for more than 39 seconds.  And now I want my husband to be healthy again.  But, "You can't always get what you want."    However, if you keep singing that song you'll find this gem of wisdom too, "But if you try, sometimes you might find, you get what you need."

God isn't about giving me what I want.  He is about giving me what I need.  He is the creator of this crazy, jumbled, sometimes slightly insane creature.  He wrote the owner's manual on Jami Lynn Kastner 2.0, and He alone knows what I need.  So I'm taking my tears and my fears and trudging back upstairs to pour myself some more coffee.  I'm not in a place that is pleasant right now, but that doesn't mean that I'm not EXACTLY where God wants me to be.  And I know myself, as well as some of you know me too, and we know that in spite of my little temper tantrum here today, I will pull it together and figure it out.  I'll scratch and claw; kick, scream, and bite, and do WHATEVER it takes to get my little family through this most recent skirmish.

I'm adding the song Voice of Truth (Casting Crowns) to the top of my playlist.  It says it all today.  Expect to hear from me more frequently in the days to come, both to update you on John's status and because I have a jumble of feelings to work out here and blogging soothes my soul.

Once again, I cannot tell all of you how valuable your support has been.  Encouraging words on my FB page, comments to my blog, e-mailed responses, but most of all PRAYER.  Thank you everyone.  Thank you so much!