What I want my kids to know

10 years ago today was the very first hospital trip that set our feet on the path of brain surgery, neck surgeries, seizure-like episodes, medical bills unending, prescriptions as a lifestyle. 10 years ago.

Today we still haven't fully left the medical woes behind us. But honestly they've been eclipsed by bigger trials, hairier experiences, greater heartbreak. We have adult and almost-adult children now.... and as they face trials of their own... and as we struggle to watch them travel their own dark valleys... here's what I want them to know about tough times.

1. FEEL IT. Don't bottle it. Don't deny it. Don't whitewash your feelings so other people feel comfortable. Feel. Them. Cry the tears that are aching to be cried. Scream the screams boiling in the base of your belly. Use your angry words. Let. It. Out. God isn't put off by your pain... by your anger... by your fear. And you're not fooling Him when you try to slap a bandaid on your bullet hole and call it fine.

You delight in truth in the inward being,
Psalms 51:6

2. TURN TO GOD. Whatever happens... no matter how dark the valley... no matter how unfathomable the sea... turn. towards. God. He holds the key. He wants to lead and guide and carry you through what no man wants to endure. So turn to Him.

for He has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

3. GET THROUGH IT. Eventually there comes a time to pull up your big girl (or boy) pants... to build a bridge and GET OVER IT... or under it or through it.... when you've cried your tears and prayed your prayer GET TO WORK and do something to affect your situation.

Diligent hands will rule,
Proverbs 12:24

Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah, and Hannah,

I don't want you to have an easy life.  I want you to walk with God. Wherever that may take you.  I can about guarantee that it will take you down some roads that are bumpy,  and through some valleys that are DARK, and you might even be DRAGGED,  KICKING AND SCREAMING through a place you NEVER,  EVER wanted to be.... but if you listen to my words.  If you FEEL IT and TURN TO GOD and just GET THROUGH IT. I promise you.... God will be as faithful to you as He has been to me.

I love you,
Mom

Parenting adults and almost adults

I hate this season of parenting I'm in... I know... I know... every season has its perks... embrace this before it slips away... you raised them with wings so they could fly... don't give me your platitudes... cuz I know them! I've said them! I actually believe them! But. Still. I hate this season of parenting I'm in.

I hate the letting go. I hate the graduations. I hate the getting bigger. The sweet 16's and the far-aways...  I just hate them!

I've raised these wonderful, beautiful, kind, servant-hearted humans, and I really do WANT to share them with all of you.  But gut-level honesty: it was nice when they were mostly just mine, all here under one roof,  needing and loving and wanting me so much!

Here's the thing... if I've said it once on this blog I've said it a HUNDRED times: as much as I want to I can't #turnbacktime nor can I #slowdowntime #timeisapunk and I can't have ANY effect on its passage.

So here is what I'm trying to do: SLOW DOWN... BREATHE IN... even if the air I'm breathing is heavy with teenage angst and sweaty armpits... zoom in on the SWEET and the TENDER... cuz they ARE there... nestled in between the tough and the traumatic.... last night my fiesty, headstrong, hair-style-a-phob strolled in my room and casually asked, "Mom, can you French braid my hair?" I tried to play it off cool like this happens all the time, but I'm sure she caught the hint of glee in my voice as I asked, "Right now?"

There are so many good moments... there are so many positives... even in my soldier being so far away.... three days in a row his end-of-the-day prayer request has been "to go home."

So I'm done whining. Pulling up my big girl pants and focusing on the good... cuz these four humans of mine... they ARE good!

Rejoice always,
1 Thessalonians 5:16

A reason....

Sometimes God breaks our heart for a reason. Sometimes the devil is just trying to break us. Sometimes our hearts are broken because of a sinful choice we made. But sometimes God breaks our heart for a reason .

When John and I first got married, we moved to Denver for a "fresh start." He got a job right away. I did not. I went on interview after interview. Nada. I remember hearing I didnt get one teaching job, and just THROWING myself across our bed and SOBBING. Why couldn't I find a job? Would I ever teach again? My heart was broken.

After 5 months my mother said to me, "Why dont you move home? Think of this time in Denver as a long honeymoon and just move home."

See there was a reason for my broken heart. God didn't want our roots planted in Colorado. His plan was for us to move home and build our family... our life... here in Wisconsin. So He was willing to allow my pain and heart break for a greater plan.

I urge you today. If there is something you can do to fix the situation that is breaking your heart, ok. Do it. Rage against the devil. Confess a sinful choice. But if you think God may be breaking your heart for a reason, I encourage you to lean into it. Express the pain. Be angry. Be sad. Cry. Scream. Rage. Then wipe your face and move on, keeping your eyes open for the reason. It might take YEARS to see the reason. And actually you might never see that reason this side of Heaven. But trust and be sure. Sometimes God breaks our heart for a reason.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:17

Treasured Insomnia

Every now and then while parenting my way through the eye rolls, sighs and bad smells of the teen years I get a lil throwback moment.

"Mom I saw a scary meme and now I'm afraid in my room."

After a lil reminder of what God says about scary memes and some prayer, I peeled back my covers and let her crawl in bed next to me. SHE snuggled up against me! This girl who had used that voice that says,  "Old lady you are so out of touch" on me not once but TWICE today. This girl who modeled her new swimsuits looking not really 13 and NOTHING but legs. This girl who hardly ever needs me anymore.  She fell asleep spooned into the back of me drooling on my shoulder.

And then after a brief nap that erased all memory of the scary meme, she startled awake a bit taking in her surroundings and then buried her face in my neck  and said, "Thank you so much mom." And then went back to her bed.

It was dreamy... divine. I am paying for it with insomnia right now, but it was worth every single lost "zzzzz". Treasured insomnia.

His ways are higher

So. God's. Plan. Is. Always. Better. FULL STOP.

Yesterday we waited and waited for Noah's orders to come through. Then we waited and waited to make sure his bus arrived. Finally we JETTED off the base to head to Fort Bragg, cancelling our Fort Benning hotel reservation along the way.

About halfway to North Carolina we realized that while our on base hotel was willing to hold our reservation until 10:30 p.m. (when GPS said we would arrive) visitors can't get through security at Fort Bragg after 9 p.m. so we were not going to be able to make our hotel reservation.

So in the middle-of-nowhere Georgia with HORRIBLE Internet access, I searched AND searched for a hotel room. With the one-year anniversary of the roach motel debacle fresh in my mind, it was imperative I find a decent hotel. We hadn't slept in 40 hours, so the park-in-the-Walmart-and-sleep-in-the-minivan thing wasn't an option. We smelled like the thighs of pigs so showering HAD to happen. And I'm on day 250 of an exercise streak so I really, REALLY wanted fitness facilities. Nothing, nothing,  NOTHING was available. The second time a hotel employee recommended I see if the Hilton had anything available, I decided to listen. See the Kastners aren't Hilton people. We're much closer to Quality Inn people. But for the aforementioned reasons, it was time to bite the bullet and cough up the money for the Hilton. I reserved a room with only bed space for three people for $50 more than the on-base reservation... but we had a hotel room and a shower. I was exhausted, depleted, and just wondering God HOW is this your plan?!?!? NOTHING is going our way!

Last night a 3:30 a.m. I figured out how His plan was better. After arriving at the base a full two and a half hours after we got to the Fort Bragg area, Noah checked in and was told, "Report back Monday." So at 3:30 a.m. he walked into our room to stay with us off-base, for the weekend. His. Ways. Are. Better. ALWAYS. BETTER.