Parenting adults and almost adults

I hate this season of parenting I'm in... I know... I know... every season has its perks... embrace this before it slips away... you raised them with wings so they could fly... don't give me your platitudes... cuz I know them! I've said them! I actually believe them! But. Still. I hate this season of parenting I'm in.

I hate the letting go. I hate the graduations. I hate the getting bigger. The sweet 16's and the far-aways...  I just hate them!

I've raised these wonderful, beautiful, kind, servant-hearted humans, and I really do WANT to share them with all of you.  But gut-level honesty: it was nice when they were mostly just mine, all here under one roof,  needing and loving and wanting me so much!

Here's the thing... if I've said it once on this blog I've said it a HUNDRED times: as much as I want to I can't #turnbacktime nor can I #slowdowntime #timeisapunk and I can't have ANY effect on its passage.

So here is what I'm trying to do: SLOW DOWN... BREATHE IN... even if the air I'm breathing is heavy with teenage angst and sweaty armpits... zoom in on the SWEET and the TENDER... cuz they ARE there... nestled in between the tough and the traumatic.... last night my fiesty, headstrong, hair-style-a-phob strolled in my room and casually asked, "Mom, can you French braid my hair?" I tried to play it off cool like this happens all the time, but I'm sure she caught the hint of glee in my voice as I asked, "Right now?"

There are so many good moments... there are so many positives... even in my soldier being so far away.... three days in a row his end-of-the-day prayer request has been "to go home."

So I'm done whining. Pulling up my big girl pants and focusing on the good... cuz these four humans of mine... they ARE good!

Rejoice always,
1 Thessalonians 5:16

A reason....

Sometimes God breaks our heart for a reason. Sometimes the devil is just trying to break us. Sometimes our hearts are broken because of a sinful choice we made. But sometimes God breaks our heart for a reason .

When John and I first got married, we moved to Denver for a "fresh start." He got a job right away. I did not. I went on interview after interview. Nada. I remember hearing I didnt get one teaching job, and just THROWING myself across our bed and SOBBING. Why couldn't I find a job? Would I ever teach again? My heart was broken.

After 5 months my mother said to me, "Why dont you move home? Think of this time in Denver as a long honeymoon and just move home."

See there was a reason for my broken heart. God didn't want our roots planted in Colorado. His plan was for us to move home and build our family... our life... here in Wisconsin. So He was willing to allow my pain and heart break for a greater plan.

I urge you today. If there is something you can do to fix the situation that is breaking your heart, ok. Do it. Rage against the devil. Confess a sinful choice. But if you think God may be breaking your heart for a reason, I encourage you to lean into it. Express the pain. Be angry. Be sad. Cry. Scream. Rage. Then wipe your face and move on, keeping your eyes open for the reason. It might take YEARS to see the reason. And actually you might never see that reason this side of Heaven. But trust and be sure. Sometimes God breaks our heart for a reason.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:17

Treasured Insomnia

Every now and then while parenting my way through the eye rolls, sighs and bad smells of the teen years I get a lil throwback moment.

"Mom I saw a scary meme and now I'm afraid in my room."

After a lil reminder of what God says about scary memes and some prayer, I peeled back my covers and let her crawl in bed next to me. SHE snuggled up against me! This girl who had used that voice that says,  "Old lady you are so out of touch" on me not once but TWICE today. This girl who modeled her new swimsuits looking not really 13 and NOTHING but legs. This girl who hardly ever needs me anymore.  She fell asleep spooned into the back of me drooling on my shoulder.

And then after a brief nap that erased all memory of the scary meme, she startled awake a bit taking in her surroundings and then buried her face in my neck  and said, "Thank you so much mom." And then went back to her bed.

It was dreamy... divine. I am paying for it with insomnia right now, but it was worth every single lost "zzzzz". Treasured insomnia.

His ways are higher

So. God's. Plan. Is. Always. Better. FULL STOP.

Yesterday we waited and waited for Noah's orders to come through. Then we waited and waited to make sure his bus arrived. Finally we JETTED off the base to head to Fort Bragg, cancelling our Fort Benning hotel reservation along the way.

About halfway to North Carolina we realized that while our on base hotel was willing to hold our reservation until 10:30 p.m. (when GPS said we would arrive) visitors can't get through security at Fort Bragg after 9 p.m. so we were not going to be able to make our hotel reservation.

So in the middle-of-nowhere Georgia with HORRIBLE Internet access, I searched AND searched for a hotel room. With the one-year anniversary of the roach motel debacle fresh in my mind, it was imperative I find a decent hotel. We hadn't slept in 40 hours, so the park-in-the-Walmart-and-sleep-in-the-minivan thing wasn't an option. We smelled like the thighs of pigs so showering HAD to happen. And I'm on day 250 of an exercise streak so I really, REALLY wanted fitness facilities. Nothing, nothing,  NOTHING was available. The second time a hotel employee recommended I see if the Hilton had anything available, I decided to listen. See the Kastners aren't Hilton people. We're much closer to Quality Inn people. But for the aforementioned reasons, it was time to bite the bullet and cough up the money for the Hilton. I reserved a room with only bed space for three people for $50 more than the on-base reservation... but we had a hotel room and a shower. I was exhausted, depleted, and just wondering God HOW is this your plan?!?!? NOTHING is going our way!

Last night a 3:30 a.m. I figured out how His plan was better. After arriving at the base a full two and a half hours after we got to the Fort Bragg area, Noah checked in and was told, "Report back Monday." So at 3:30 a.m. he walked into our room to stay with us off-base, for the weekend. His. Ways. Are. Better. ALWAYS. BETTER.

Just be there

This is a lesson God has been taking a friend and me through right now... it's a parenting struggle we are working through at the same time... how to respond to adult (ish) children when they struggle.... my tendency is to try to cheer them up or coach them... but that hasn't been very effective. God's been showing me that the answer is to let them mourn it... curse it... work it in their own timing....

He gave me a GREAT opportunity to see why I should respond like that this past 30 hours... we had a DISAPPOINTMENT... we saved and planned and counted down for this vacation for MONTHS, and it was basically snatched right out of our grip. I didn't need anyone to "cheer me up" cuz guess what you could put a dress on a pig, and it would STILL be a pig... I also didn't need anyone to "coach me through it" I know this too shall pass... I know this is what he signed up for... and this... it isnt even the worst thing I've been through... Not. Even. Close.

You know what I needed? This text... "sitting here  with ashes on my head, praying you through the next hours."

So that's my new goal.

My sweet, tough, brave firstborn I am sorry for every time I tried to show you the bright side... tell you to keep your chin up... pushed you to get past your hurt sooner than you were ready to. I promise to try HARD in the future to #justbethere