In the fire

I'm walking through some tough stuff on many different fronts of my life. Hated and reviled... thwarted and resisted... worn and labored... and don't even get me STARTED on this fall's allergy season!

Yesterday, I kept finding my heart screaming,  "Why?!?!" Why do I have to walk through this fire? "What?!?!" What are you trying to forge through these flames? "How long?!?!" How long will this inferno rage on?

This morning as I sat quietly with my faithful cup and my more faithful God, He whispered to me. It's all about our relationship. Get your eyes off the fire, Jami. Focus on Me. Get that smoke out of your nostrils. Breathe in My peace.  Don't give any more power to this pain by dwelling on it. Give me EVERYTHING, and let Me be powerful in it ALL.

My situations aren't any better this morning.... but my heart is. I'm gonna hunker down in the safety of my God's arms and let Him wage the wars that need to be won.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:2 

The darkness

Do you ever just stop... and look around... and wonder.... what is this landscape? This darkness all around me? Whose life is this? Why doesn't it match the dreams I had in my head? 

That dissonance.... that discrepancy.... this perfectionist's very SOUL screams out for HARMONY! CONTINUITY! PEACE.... between the dreams I held for myself and this thing called life. 

I'm a bit densely constructed... it takes just a smidge to get through to me... but I'm starting to see... that dissonace...  it's actually poignant.... I'm not meant to love this life. I'm not meant to fit in this scene. These unfulfilled dreams... these disappointments... the life that just doesn't match what I'd imagined... they serve a real and righteous purpose.

They point me to God. They make me long for my heavenly home. They force me to THROW myself at His feet screaming, "God I can't do this alone!!!"

So weary traveler take heart... that paltry bank account... those lonely nights... that tragically MESSED UP situation you can hardly make heads or tails of.... it's serving a purpose. Lean into it. Let it show you how big your God is. Let it take you to His feet. Let it exponentially surge your desire to be with Him... right now in prayer and forevermore in Heaven. Don't fear that darkness.... let it lead you to His light. 

There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

Revelation 22:5 

Happy Birthday America

It's been six months, today, since I've held my baby in my arms. Six. Long. Months. Yes, I know it's been longer for some moms... Yes, I know some moms will never hold their children again.... I respect that and don't envy them. Yet this is not some mom's post. It's mine.

When he left it was GUT-WRENCHING.... He was returning to a base that was being deployed to what we feared was WW3. Then pandemic hit... and I watched as my friends welcomed their college-aged kids home to be quarantined..... my arms stayed empty.  A travel ban is still in place, and it is looking like we won't get to hold him again until Christmas.... empty.  

We've been doing this Army thing for going on two years, and as PROUD as I am, I am EQUALLY gutted.... empty. Perhaps we made this harder on ourselves by homeschooling. So much closeness... complete control of his curriculum, schedule,  free time.... now he is the property of the US Army... we have no say... he has very little "free" time... or maybe it would be hard regardless. All I know is holidays are different.... special days are bittersweet.... and my arms ACHE to hold my first-born child again. 

This year.... Christmas can't come fast enough. So Happy Birthday America... I'm ready for Christmas. 

Boxing Day thoughts...

I've been walking through a season of loss lately... not big, huge, death, kinda loss... just little, everyday, letting go of the way things used to be and walking forward into a new landscape kinda loss. Life is such a journey of ups with downs,  good with bad,  tender with tough.  Here's what God has been teaching me through this transition:

1. Minimizing my details does not help. Marginalizing my struggles because they aren't as bad as someone else's doesn't do much towards the goal of adjusting and adapting to MY situatuon. My goal in each and EVERY situation has to be to know Him and make Him known.  Shoving my feelings aside because they aren't as serious as other people's struggles is not productive toward that goal. 

2. There's a reason why the rearview mirror is so much smaller than the windshield.  I do need to glance back. Remembering what God has carried me through in the past.... revisiting mistakes I've made and the lessons they've brought is beneficial.  But ultimately I've got to get my eyes forward and figure out where I'm going.... how I'm going to respond to my current troubles.... what God wants me to glean from this valley season. 

Our holiday this year was different.... I won't call it bad (there was too much good mixed in for that). I won't call it a mess (there was too much purpose and too many divine moments for that). It wasn't a complete failure,  but it wasn't a roaring success either.  So as I sit here on the day after, pondering.... I'm feeling called to give value to my struggles without comparing them to what other people walked through the past 2 days. And I'm working to pry my eyes away from the train wrecks and disappointments that were a part of my Christmas and gaze intently through the windshield to find the path to the new year that God wants my feet on.  

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 

What I want my kids to know

10 years ago today was the very first hospital trip that set our feet on the path of brain surgery, neck surgeries, seizure-like episodes, medical bills unending, prescriptions as a lifestyle. 10 years ago.

Today we still haven't fully left the medical woes behind us. But honestly they've been eclipsed by bigger trials, hairier experiences, greater heartbreak. We have adult and almost-adult children now.... and as they face trials of their own... and as we struggle to watch them travel their own dark valleys... here's what I want them to know about tough times.

1. FEEL IT. Don't bottle it. Don't deny it. Don't whitewash your feelings so other people feel comfortable. Feel. Them. Cry the tears that are aching to be cried. Scream the screams boiling in the base of your belly. Use your angry words. Let. It. Out. God isn't put off by your pain... by your anger... by your fear. And you're not fooling Him when you try to slap a bandaid on your bullet hole and call it fine.

You delight in truth in the inward being,
Psalms 51:6

2. TURN TO GOD. Whatever happens... no matter how dark the valley... no matter how unfathomable the sea... turn. towards. God. He holds the key. He wants to lead and guide and carry you through what no man wants to endure. So turn to Him.

for He has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

3. GET THROUGH IT. Eventually there comes a time to pull up your big girl (or boy) pants... to build a bridge and GET OVER IT... or under it or through it.... when you've cried your tears and prayed your prayer GET TO WORK and do something to affect your situation.

Diligent hands will rule,
Proverbs 12:24

Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah, and Hannah,

I don't want you to have an easy life.  I want you to walk with God. Wherever that may take you.  I can about guarantee that it will take you down some roads that are bumpy,  and through some valleys that are DARK, and you might even be DRAGGED,  KICKING AND SCREAMING through a place you NEVER,  EVER wanted to be.... but if you listen to my words.  If you FEEL IT and TURN TO GOD and just GET THROUGH IT. I promise you.... God will be as faithful to you as He has been to me.

I love you,
Mom