Poised on the threshold of a miracle....

It started a few months ago. John said to me one day, “Do you realize that we have put $80,000 into renting this place?” I had never really thought of it that way. I love my house. I love its location. We have NO way to qualify for the purchase of a home. So I never really batted an eye at the almost $1,000 rent check we’ve written every month for the past 7 years and 5 months. As the bile rose up in my throat, I decided to start petitioning God for a miracle. I wrote on my prayer list (right next to secondary form of transportation), “house.” I shared this with John who was not very optimistic. He said, “Jami do NOT get your hopes up. There is NO way we are going to be able to buy a house.” I threw back at him the words of one of our favorite movies, “Tell me Coach Taylor. What’s impossible with God?” I then proceeded to pray.

Fast forward about one month, I started the process of reconnecting with a former cheerleader. She lives far away in butt-nowhere Wisconsin, so the first time we met, we picked a place halfway between and planned a play date. Our children played well together, so we decided to see if our hubbies played well together too. We planned to get together on Memorial Day, and the fateful decision was made to meet at their house.

Driving out to Iron Ridge, WI dredged up old memories in our hearts. This was where our old church was. It is the setting for all of our fantasies about our “dream house.” Our Memorial Day celebration at Borkenhagen Manor (yes their house is impressive enough to deserve this title) was AMAZING! It was love at first sight for our husbands and our first born children. We didn’t referee one fight, and we spent over eight hours together just enjoying ourselves.

At some point we began joking about buying the property across the street from them. Ben and Stacey informed us not only was it for sale, but it had been vacant for over a year. The very next weekend found us back at Borkenhagen Manor. The “boys” (the big boys that is) went fishing and the women did what women do, minded the house and the children. Inevitably the jokes about the house across the street came up again, “It would be SO much more convenient if you just lived across the street.” On this occasion, we decided to take our pipe dream a little further by walking across the street, circling the house and peeking in the windows. It was no dream house, but it was WAY far above anything we could even conceive of purchasing. It is a 3 bedroom, 2 bath ranch with a finished exposed basement. The house sits on nearly 2 acres of land. (click here for photos)

We never really prayed for this specific house. I plugged along praying faithfully that God would give this family a home so we could start making an investment instead of throwing our money away on rent without really picturing this one in my head. Well this week at almost the exact same moment, John and I independently came to the exact same conclusion, “We should contact the seller and see if he would consider a rent-to-own situation.” We reasoned the house has been on the market and vacant for so long with hardly a bite, maybe the owner was getting antsy and would consider such a situation.

Right now we are poised on the threshold of a miracle. We are praying HARD that God will lead and direct us. I do not know how to explain the mixture of excitement and apprehension inside of me. Here’s how I put it, “I asked God to give us a house, but I didn’t expect Him to really do it.” This coming weekend we are meeting with the owner to see the inside of the house and discuss a rent-to-own contract.

It went down something like this: Monday we sent an e-mail to the realtor who is listing the house asking if a rent-to-own situation would be considered. We heard nothing all week. Friday Stacey sent me a text that said, “Do you think it would help if we talked to the owner? He is over there cutting the grass right now.” I said, “Couldn’t hurt.” She sent Ben over to talk to him, and he returned with good news. The owner was getting very anxious. He told Ben he is NOT looking forward to paying two mortgages through another winter. He said he is very interested and could Ben pass his number along to us. John contacted him directly, and there was more good news. The monthly amount he is considering is between $150 less to just $50 more than our current rent. What?!?! We thought. We might get into this house for LESS that we currently pay in rent?!?!?! Tonight we timed the drive from our possible new house to the new venue for New Day Church. It is just 53 minutes! That was, for us, another hurdle cleared.

Besides spending this coming week in almost constant prayer, we are researching rent-to-own agreements and land contracts. Please, please, please keep the Kastners (especially John and I) in your prayers. We desperately desire only God’s will. We have always believed that the first step to building wealth is home ownership; however, we have always felt left out of that blessing because of our terrible financial condition. This place we are standing in is both terrifying and awe-inspiring. Initially we were keeping this crazy situation “close to our coats.” We are such unlikely candidates for a miracle such as this. It is still just such a pipe dream. However, the closer we get, and the more it seems like it might actually be a possibility, we are desperately coveting prayer.

We are not asking that you pray we get this house. We are asking that you pray God closes the doors He wants closed and opens the doors He wants open. Finally, pray that we will have the courage to walk through whatever doors God opens up.

Thank you so much, and I promise to keep you updated.

And so it begins....

“Noah has a girlfriend. Noah has a girlfriend.” My children have been singing this refrain for about two weeks now. It is actually an adorable, terrifying, wonderful situation. We recently reconnected with one of my former cheerleaders, and our entire family fell in love. She and I always loved each other so that was not really a surprise. Our husbands hit it off great. Our children play well together and seem to really enjoy themselves when we are together. Which brings us to Noah…. Noah is very smitten with their little brown-haired, brown-eyed beauty. Yesterday, when he was out with John, he said, “Daddy, my heart hurts cuz I miss Allisa.” The entire situation is such a potpourri of mixed emotions for me.

It really is quite adorable: the dreamy look he gets on his face when he sees the ubber cute picture of the two of them and the way she skipped out to the car when we got there on Saturday so excited to see us she was bouncing. They are like a photo come to life. You know the photos I am talking about don’t you? Those adorable black and white photos where the little girl's ribbon and the flower the boy is giving her are the only parts in color. You know those right? Guess what? For the moms of the little black and white photos, it’s not just, “Awwww how adorable.” It is a little terrifying too.

My baby has a crush! He could get his heart broken or this could be the real thing. Seriously I am not trying to make too much of this, but I have a friend who has known her husband forever. She told me once that she still remembers when she was in Kindergarten (I think), she was all stressed out because she had to hold Dan Kallas’s hand in a program at church. Guess what??? She’s now Mrs. Dan Kallas. The thought that my child is entering this world where a beautiful little girl has the power to crush him or make him walk on air makes me want to vomit!

I have actually had the benefit of watching many, many, many others deal with the difficult parenting situation of romance. As a teacher and youth leader for junior high aged kids, I saw a lot of puppy love. I also saw a lot of parental reactions to puppy love. They ranged everywhere from flat out refusal to even consider their child “going out” with someone and forbidding them to be attracted to anyone until they were ____ years old, all the way through to matchmaking parents goading their child on to catch a “good one.” I have long wondered how I would tackle this problem when I finally came face-to-face with it, and now here I am staring it right in the adorable little brown eyes.

Because I do not like for anything in my life to be in vain, I have decided to take full advantage of this situation. I have decided to not waste time worrying or fretting about my son’s heart being broken (or stolen away), but instead to take full advantage of the chance to lead him through such a situation from a godly perspective. Even at the tender age of 9 ½ there are VERY valuable lessons he can learn about being a godly man and treating a woman the way God would want him too. I am thinking that NOW when he is moldable and so open to my opinion on things is the PERFECT time to lead him through this practice run of boy-girl relationships. Here are the lessons we’ve tackled so far:

1. Put Jesus first – The day after his “love at first sight experience,” I had a little chat with him. I asked him, “Did you and Allisa talk about Jesus at all?” He mentioned some Bible verses all the kids talked about. Putting God first, that is what I want him to do in all of his relationships and all of his life. Therefore, the first thing I focused on and the first seed I wanted to plant in his head was Jesus.


2. Put the other person’s needs before yours – This past weekend when we were together all the boys were inside playing video games, and Allisa was out on the deck by herself bored. I went up to Noah and encouraged him to go play with her. He wanted to play video games so badly, but I told him, “Noah, a good friend thinks about what the other person wants too. Allisa is all by herself and bored out of her skull. You can play video games at home.” He faced the struggle many men before him have been defeated by – TV vs. woman – and came out like a champ! Within minutes he and Allisa were running in the backyard playing on the swing set.

No worries though! No one is picking out china patterns or flowers yet (although we do have some UBBER cute pictures which would fit perfectly in a wedding slide show). But I am actually VERY at peace with the way we have chosen to handle this, and I am actually grateful God is giving us this chance to learn these life lessons. Even still I am still holding my breath a little, and daily begging God to give me strength for what lies ahead in the not too distant future: the teenage years. Oh Lord! Hold me TIGHT!

PRAY!

My heart is just so heavy today. Yesterday I was assaulted with desperate prayer requests.

***David just 11 years old an orphan adopted from Ethiopia is in his final stages of cancer. He can no longer see. He is suffering greatly. His parents are now just praying that God will take him Home.
***Amber 14 years old is also not winning her battle against cancer. My sister told me she was picking out the clothes she would wear at her funeral.
***Dear friends with their livelihood in jeopardy due to an unfair situation.
***The 17th surgery for my friends 10-year old daughter... she's still beating the odds 7 years after a near-fatal accident.
***Still praying daily for the VanZantens who are fighting to get past the issues with Baby Eli’s heart.

Sickness, broken hearts, poverty….they are all around me and they make my heart so heavy. I know the answer to this problem seems simplistic, but so often we overlook it. PRAY! Our hearts break, our eyes overflow with tears, yet so often we forget to PRAY! We question, we scream, we worry, we fret, but we don’t PRAY!

Here’s my encouragement for today….. PRAY! Stop right now and PRAY! Whenever you think of David and Amber and Baby Eli today, PRAY! When you feel worried or scared, PRAY! When things are going well, PRAY! I encourage you today to PRAY! Get your hand off that mouse right now and PRAY!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

My dear friend had this as her Facebook status yesterday: It is a waste of time to think about things when I could be praying about them. So don't think about this blog at all.... don't mull over whether I'm right or wrong.... don't waste time even commenting on it. PRAY!

[post-script]
Right after I finished posting this, Noah came down the stairs terrified. He had a nightmare. I asked what it was about. He said, "War." Then he said, "Alex got killed." I practiced what I had just preached to all of you. I pulled him into my arms and prayed with him. I wanted to add Alex to my little list of prayer requests here, because I believe that sometimes God speaks to us in our dreams. I believe that Alex needs an extra hedge of protection around him TODAY. So please also pray for my step-son Alex Kastner. He is in Afghanistan serving our country right now.

Who's controlling you?

I was reading The Love Dare over the weekend, and this struck me:

If you’re irritable, it’s because you choose to be. If you can’t function
without a clean house, it’s because you’ve decided no other way will do.
If you pick at your mate more than you praise them, it’s because you’ve allowed
your heart to be selfish.

I have long maintained the only person you can control is yourself, and no one else can control you unless you let them. When my children say to me, “He makes me so angry!” I always tell them, “You allow yourself to be angry. He can’t control you!” But this is so much easier to say then to live out!

I have this horrible flaw. I want everyone to approve. I cannot stand for people to disapprove of or doubt my decisions. I am a people-pleaser, and I just want to make everyone happy. This leads me to worry about EVERYTHING! I wonder what will my mother think of this? What will the people at church think of that? Even what will the checker at Pick ‘N Save think when I buy that? I give so much control to others in my life, important (my mom) and not so important (checker at Pick ‘N Save).

Here is the biggest problem with this, quite frequently God calls us to do things that make sense to no one. [Think Noah and the Ark, Joshua at the Battle of Jericho, Peter walking on water.] Often we are asked to step out in faith believing that His ways are not our ways, and to others we must look at best silly but oftentimes even insane. The more control I give to others by worrying what they will think, the less control I give to God.

What’s a people-pleaser to do? I guess I can choose to follow the example of any one of those Biblical heroes: Noah, Joshua, Peter. I choose Peter. I actually like how Peter starts to sink when he focuses on the wind and waves. I can practically see myself starting to sink into a sea of faces. The faces of all those people I am so worried will disapprove of me. I like even more what comes next. Peter is saved when he LOOKS AT JESUS. That is just so poignant. Focus on Jesus! Keep your eyes on Jesus! Do NOT worry about what anyone else will think. Do not fret that this or that person might be watching you and judging you. Keep your eyes on Jesus! Seek God’s will and then with your eyes firmly fixed on your Savior walk across those waves and triumph over all that disapproval!

So that's what I'm gonna do! This people-pleaser is turning in her membership card and vowing with everything in her to keep her eyes affixed on her Savior and pleasing Him alone. Will you join me?

Thoughts on jealousy

Last night John and I watched Not Easily Broken. It was at least a “3-cry” movie. It is about marriage and is based on a novel by T.D. Jakes. At one point, the wife confronts the husband because she suspects he is having an affair. She asks, “Did you sleep with her?” He tells her he did not, but he tells her he does have feelings for the other woman. The wife collapses back against her pillow deeply wounded and says, “She’s stolen your heart from me?” The scene was especially poignant for me.

I have long maintained that it would be much worse if my husband had an emotional affair then it would be if he had a physical affair. It would hurt much more to know that his heart had been captivated by another woman. Perhaps that is why Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:27 – 28 He knew that a sin does not have to be carried all the way through to commission to bring devastating results.

John gets irritated when I am on the computer when he is home. It does not matter if I am on the computer writing or working or if I am on the computer playing on Facebook or chatting. It drives him nuts! This week it came up during the American Idol finale. I was rapidly commenting, chatting, and posting on Facebook during the finale. He was hurt and irritated because he was sitting right there and I still had to be on Facebook conversing with other people. As I walked up the stairs to go to bed that night, God started ministering to me: John has a right to be jealous. You have very little time with him home. He has a right to be jealous when you spend some of that precious time ignoring him. Then God took it further by showing me jealousy is not a sinful emotion, even He feels jealousy.

For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24. God wants my affections, my time, my HEART! How it must wound Him when someone or something else steals my heart from Him. Lately my life has heated up to a rapid boil. The first things to be sacrificed on my altar of craziness always seem to be: prayer and Bible study. I let my heart be stolen by a stupid job, by needing a cleaner house, by Facebook over and over and over again, and God has a right to be jealous!

My God and my husband, in that order, deserve my whole heart. They have a right to be jealous when I allow busyness, socializing, even service to steal my heart away from them. So today I am going to purpose in my heart to stop giving my heart away to others, to strive for a better balance (even in the busy times) which gives my God and my husband their proper places in my heart.