Fearfully and wonderfully made

This weekend God spoke loudly and clearly to me about being kinder to myself. I went to a birthday party for a friend I went to high school with. She and I have not seen each other since graduation, but through this wonderful thing called Facebook we have recently reconnected. Let me tell you all, this woman is doing forty WELL! She looks gorgeous! I did not see a wrinkle on her. She is either not graying or she is covering it up VERY well. She is fit and tan and well-dressed and adorable! You know what? I heard her say so many negative things about herself that night. I stood there trying not to gouge out her eyes with my jealousy realizing she did not see ANY of the things I was seeing!

I wanted to shout at her, “Be kind to yourself!” You are thinner than many others our age. You look way younger than forty. You are funny and sweet, and you have a heart of gold! Stop being so mean to yourself! All of a sudden I realized, I do the very same thing. My inner demons wanted to fight back, “But she is skinny! You are not.” I started to rationalize that she did not deserve to be so hard on herself, but I deserved my own self-abuse. But God wouldn’t let me go. He whispered to my heart and screamed to my soul, “I made you! You are my creation! You are fearfully and wonderfully made!”

As I rapidly approach my fortieth birthday (23 days and counting), I am so sad that I still have not completely learned to love myself. Yet realizing that I will always be a work in progress, I am trying very hard to remind myself to stop focusing on all the things I dislike about myself. I am trying to be kinder to myself. When I think negative thoughts about myself, I try hard to dismiss them immediately and move along.

I hope that this blog will reach out to any of you who struggle with your self-image. As Christians, I really don’t think God wants us spending too much time focusing on improving the way we think about ourselves. Every minute we spend with our eyes on our own self is one minute we could have been focusing on Him. However, at the same time, I cannot imagine that our Creator enjoys being told by His creation that He did not do a good enough job either. Today when you look in the mirror, don’t you dare grimace. When you step on the scale, don’t let out a sigh of disgust. When you want to cut yourself down or think negative thoughts about yourself, try something different. Try saying this: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14. I think you'll find that it is hard to be negative when you are praising God. I also hope you will find comfort and come to believe that you ARE fearfully and wonderfully made.

Happy Mother's Day

My mother loves me. This I know for sure. I have never ever doubted it. All of my life she has shown me her love. I am forty years old (okay fine ALMOST forty years old), yet my birthday is still a national holiday in her mind. I still get Easter baskets and St. Nick gifts from her. When she gives me a hug, she always does that extra tight squeeze and I can feel her thinking, “Mmmmm my baby.” Yes, I still am her baby.

So often I worry that I am failing my children. I am not teaching them how to clean up after themselves well enough. They live in a chaotic, crazy house. It is loud and disorganized and in a state of constant upheaval. I STINK at routines. I am great at making plans but HORRIBLE at following through with them. Were they stacked on end, the ways in which I am screwing up would reach to the moon.

But when I think back on my childhood, I realize that I don’t remember any of those things. I really don’t remember whether the house was clean or dirty. I do not really recall if my mother stuck to a schedule or not. I don’t remember learning to brush my teeth or tie my shoes or load the dishwasher. But I do remember that I was loved. I remember feeling important to my mother. I remember her sacrificing so I could have a swimming pool, take gymnastics and dance lessons, and go to a private school. I remember her popping popcorn with the top off on a rainy day and going down the curvy slide with us. I remember that every fiber of my being was loved with every fiber of my mom’s being. And it hits me….

It’s all about love, love, love, love, love…. Clean houses, mom’s with flat tummies, perfectly cooked meals… it is NOT about any of those things. A foundation of love is what a child needs. A child who grows up knowing to the core of his being he is loved is a lucky child. The mother who in spite of her own failings and shortcomings is able to convey this message to her child: you are loved. She is the successful mom.

My mom did at least one thing very, very, very right. She loved me, wholly, truly, completely and fully. She loved me. What a wonderful example for me to follow and what a wonderful gift she gave me.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom! I love you too.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. I Corinthians 13:13

What happens when you have too many irons in the fire...

I awoke this morning with the nagging sensation that I was forgetting something. I couldn't put my finger on it, so I just proceeded through my morning... start the coffee, load of laundry, intercede on behalf of others, start to work... OHMIGOSH! "Today is Hannah's eye doctor appointment, and I was supposed to take John to work so I could have the minivan!!!" That was only the beginning of a very stressful day. We ended up taking our first taxi ride ever. It wasn't too traumatic, in spite of the fact that the fare was double what I figured using the online rates. Moving along, we tried to sail through Hannah's eye doctor appointment, but just couldn't get out of that place without being handed eye patches Hannah has to wear for two hours every day. The surprises this day held left me drained and exhausted. They also left me thinking: I am so glad that none of this surprised God.

I often give thanks that my God and King is never taken aback. He is never sitting up there in Heaven wringing His hands thinking, "Oh no! How is this going to turn out?" Not only is He in control of my situation He has already provided a way out of it. The taxi cab was a way out for my forgetting to drive John to work. The eye patches are actually a way out of impending eye surgery. God is there when things get chaotic, and regardless of how I feel, He has provided some way out. It may not be my favorite option. It may not be what I wanted, but it is there, and it is a way out. I sure did not want to pay that much for a taxi, but I am very glad it was a way out of missing Hannah's appointment.

After a day of stress, fear, and disappointment, we made it to the fun part: a playdate at the park. I had a blast reconnecting with a former cheerleader, while our children made fast friends on the play equipment. I am so glad I made it through the hurdles of this day in one piece, and I am so glad that my God never has too many irons in the fire.

What do others see when they look at me?

Today my little princess had her 3rd birthday party. It was a wild extravaganza of pink, presents, and princess-like behavior. At one point I walked into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was not at all happy with what I saw. I have gained so much weight! Not just since having babies but in the past 18 months since quitting the WAC…wowzer! Wide load coming through! And the dark circles under my eyes…. Seriously! I should probably stop wishing I could get a black eye because I live with two of them on my face all the time! As I sat there assaulting my own self in my mind, I wondered: What do others see when they look at me? Do they see all those things I just critiqued? Do they see the extra weight and the other flaws? Do they see my wide load and wrinkles?

As I pondered this thought, a verse popped into my head. It was something I had read earlier this week, and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. (I Samuel 16:7b) God is looking past my shabby exterior. He is even looking past my failed attempts to be good and pure and holy. He is looking at my heart. He sees how much my heart loves Him. He sees how much my heart WANTS to be good and pure and holy. He sees how much I desperately desire to teach my children to love Him. He sees how desperately I want to be a blessing to my husband. He doesn’t get hung up on what my outside looks like. He sees through to what my inside looks like.

Think hard about the context of this verse too. This verse is talking about David. It is referring to how David was the youngest of Jesse’s sons and how unlikely (from the outside) he was to become king. But God had looked at David’s heart and deemed him king material. For me it is helpful to remember that later on in life, David was going to doubt and fear and that later on in life David was going to lust after another man’s wife, commit adultery with that woman, and finally murder that woman’s husband. God knew this! God knew this was all in David’s heart. Yet God looked at that heart and found it to be worthy.

God doesn’t seek the perfect. (Good thing too because from what I have seen not too many of those exist.) God isn’t looking for someone who has it all together. He doesn’t need someone whose body is in perfect shape, whose wrinkle cream is doing its job, and who is faithful in covering up the gray. He isn’t even looking for a heart that is perfect. Not our God, His standards are not that high at all! Here is what He desires: a heart that loves Him... just loves Him. A heart that wants nothing more than to delight in Him, worship Him, serve Him, know Him, that is all He wants.

So don’t fix yourself up. Skip that silly wrinkle cream! Don’t stress about how many crunches you did today. Don’t spend even one minute wallowing in the guilt of already confessed sin. Love Him! Just love Him! Stop wasting time on the nonsense and LOVE HIM!

A bad rap for Martha....

You know the story don’t you? Jesus comes to town. Martha opens up her home to Jesus. Then she’s left to do all the work of having guests, while Mary sits at the feet of Jesus listening to Him. Jesus says, “Mary chose what was better.” Well what’s a Martha to do then? Who’s going to greet the guests, prepare the food, serve the meal? The food is not going to serve itself.

I will admit it. I am a Martha. When our church needs someone to cook a meal, I am there. When a new family comes to church, I jump to welcome them. Someone’s sick? I offer to cook a meal. The nursery people called in sick? I offer to help out. I am just doing, doing, doing; moving, moving, moving. So this story gets under my skin a little.

Of course! I would love to just sit at the feet of Jesus worshiping all day long. I would love to take long prayer walks, interceding, conversing, communing. I would love to savor every word I am reading in scripture and spend hours meditating on it. What a great world it would be if I could just spend my whole day dancing and singing and praising my Savior. But there are children to be cared for, there is laundry to be done and a living to be earned. I cannot spend my whole day relaxing at the feet of Jesus like Mary did. It just isn’t feasible. What then is the lesson? What then is this Bible story calling us to?

I have been a Christian for a long time, and I have heard this story peddled over and over and over again. The take I always seem to hear goes something like this, “Don’t be a Martha. Be a Mary.” But I would like to assert that there is nothing wrong with being a Martha. For it is the Martha’s among us that get things done. It is the Martha’s who take care of people and make life run a little smoother. Fellow Martha’s, unite with me! Stop crucifying your inner Martha! Stop chastising yourself for not being more like Mary! Instead be a Martha, but purposefully allow for Mary moments in your day. Find some time each day to stop and spend a little time with your Savior. No matter how busy life gets, do not allow Him to get crowded out. My Martha/Mary theory goes something like this: It is okay to be a mover and a shaker. It is okay to get a lot accomplished. These things are fine as long as you also remember to take a little time to sit at the feet of your Savior.

I am going to take this theory a little further for the mom’s out there. (I can do that because it is my blog.) Remember to take the Mary moments with your child too. I do this thing. I call it “Memorizing the Moment.” I will find myself in a moment with one of my children that is so sweet and perfect it practically brings tears to my eyes. I will stop and take a deep breath and whisper a quick prayer, “Jesus, please help me always remember this moment.” Last night I had one. It might not seem like a moment many would want to remember. I was awoken at about 11 p.m. to the sounds of a child screaming, “Momma! Momma!” I rushed to Elijah’s side and within seconds my Mommy sense (kinda like Spidey sense but WAY better) kicked in and I asked, “Are you going to puke?” Before he could answer, the answer was forecefully spewing out of him. I spent the rest of the night kicking off covers and lurching out of bed to run to his side each time he threw up. At one point, I was snuggling him back to sleep, trying hard to push the words swine flu from my brain, when it hit me. In ten years, he won’t need me like this. In ten years when he is puking he might want my comfort, but not like this. He won’t be this dependent. I won’t see that look of I cannot do this without you here mom. He might even just rush to the toilet all by himself and tell me in the morning that he was sick. I pulled him closer to me, inhaling deeply in spite of the fact that a hint of vomit still tinged the air, and prayed, “Jesus help me memorize this moment.” You know it is almost impossible to be a mom without being a little bit of a Martha, but I promise you’ll be a better, happier, more loving mom, if you give a little face time to the Mary that’s inside of you.

So give Martha a chance. I don’t think she deserves the bad rap she’s gotten, but her sister Mary got a few things right too. That’s why this Martha is going to wrap it up and post this blog, so she can go sit at the feet of her Savior for a little bit.