What's underneath?

I moved VERY slowly this past weekend. I had some nasty bug that settled in my chest and was REALLY tiring me out. My "to do" list was completed over the course of three separate days. It went kinda like this.

Friday: Somehow in spite of my exhaustion and illness, I was able to get the kitchen floors sparkling clean, did some laundry, and CLEANED the basement. I came upstairs from finishing the basement to find a HUGE spill on the sparkling clean floor. SERIOUSLY?!?!?! That wasn't even clean for an hour! Saturday: Cleaned my closet, bathroom, and bedroom, did some more laundry. Sunday: Cleaned the kids' bedrooms and did some more laundry. Then Sunday afternoon, I crawled into bed and really didn't get back out. By Monday morning the kids' rooms were TRASHED! The dishes overflowed in the sink. There was more laundry to be done. I was feeling so discouraged. I started lamenting my sorrows to John and here's what I came up with: When you have small children, the point of cleaning is not necessarily to have a sparkling, perfectly clean house. The point is to know that underneath the clutter and chaos there lies a floor that won't kill your child if they eat something off it. This calmed me down a little. Looking around things didn't look very orderly, but I did have the peace in my heart of knowing that underneath it all, that floor has been "mop & glo'd"... those counters have been sanitized.... the dust has been wiped from those shelves.... all mites, cat hair and other heebie jeebies have been vacuumed out of that carpet...

[Disclaimer: I wonder if I might lose y'all on this application. In some ways I feel like it's a stretch, but it's where God took me. Hope it ministers to someone.]

It's kinda like my life. On the outside it looks all clutter and chaos. I FLY from task to task. I'm homeschooling and working and cooking and cleaning and mentoring and loving and AHHHHHHHHHHH! This past year the STRESS has been laid on my shoulders, and I am not proud of some of the things which have come out. (In fact my latest shame is the dirty word that is Hannah's newest favorite word. Ugh! Guess who's lips she heard that one from?) But on the inside, underneath the stress of too many tasks to do, behind the worry of how we're going to pay the bills, beneath the shame of my falling short, guess what you'll find? Deep in the center of my heart, at the very core of my being, regardless of what the outside looks like, you will find a STRONG and FIRM faith in God. You will find the hope that 2010 will be a jubilee year for the Kastners to make 2009 pale pitifully in comparison. You will find the assurance that no matter what Satan throws at me I will stand....just stand. You will find a deep and abiding love for my Jesus. Isn't that what truly matters? Not whether the outside, visible things are perfectly in order, but the knowledge that on the inside all is right.

Have hope today. It is okay if your life doesn't look perfect on the outside. Those extra gray hairs you found this morning, the added jiggle you noticed on your backside, even the steam you blew off at the one you love the most.... Those aren't as important as what's on the inside. Get your inside cleaned up, and then no matter what craziness leaves it's stain on your exterior, you can rest in the peace that underneath it all is order.

But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

I Samuel 16:7

What do others see when they look at me?

Today my little princess had her 3rd birthday party. It was a wild extravaganza of pink, presents, and princess-like behavior. At one point I walked into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was not at all happy with what I saw. I have gained so much weight! Not just since having babies but in the past 18 months since quitting the WAC…wowzer! Wide load coming through! And the dark circles under my eyes…. Seriously! I should probably stop wishing I could get a black eye because I live with two of them on my face all the time! As I sat there assaulting my own self in my mind, I wondered: What do others see when they look at me? Do they see all those things I just critiqued? Do they see the extra weight and the other flaws? Do they see my wide load and wrinkles?

As I pondered this thought, a verse popped into my head. It was something I had read earlier this week, and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. (I Samuel 16:7b) God is looking past my shabby exterior. He is even looking past my failed attempts to be good and pure and holy. He is looking at my heart. He sees how much my heart loves Him. He sees how much my heart WANTS to be good and pure and holy. He sees how much I desperately desire to teach my children to love Him. He sees how desperately I want to be a blessing to my husband. He doesn’t get hung up on what my outside looks like. He sees through to what my inside looks like.

Think hard about the context of this verse too. This verse is talking about David. It is referring to how David was the youngest of Jesse’s sons and how unlikely (from the outside) he was to become king. But God had looked at David’s heart and deemed him king material. For me it is helpful to remember that later on in life, David was going to doubt and fear and that later on in life David was going to lust after another man’s wife, commit adultery with that woman, and finally murder that woman’s husband. God knew this! God knew this was all in David’s heart. Yet God looked at that heart and found it to be worthy.

God doesn’t seek the perfect. (Good thing too because from what I have seen not too many of those exist.) God isn’t looking for someone who has it all together. He doesn’t need someone whose body is in perfect shape, whose wrinkle cream is doing its job, and who is faithful in covering up the gray. He isn’t even looking for a heart that is perfect. Not our God, His standards are not that high at all! Here is what He desires: a heart that loves Him... just loves Him. A heart that wants nothing more than to delight in Him, worship Him, serve Him, know Him, that is all He wants.

So don’t fix yourself up. Skip that silly wrinkle cream! Don’t stress about how many crunches you did today. Don’t spend even one minute wallowing in the guilt of already confessed sin. Love Him! Just love Him! Stop wasting time on the nonsense and LOVE HIM!