Roughing up my heart....

Ugh... I don't even KNOW what to title this post.... *sigh* I guess I'll just figure that out at the end. Here we go:

John is scheduled to have neck fusion surgery the third week of December. For those of you who are thinking, what? who? how? why?  here are the details... the rest of you can skip to the bottom if you want.  Just scroll down until you see the bolded words Well so here we are....

If you've been with us for the duration, then you know that 4 years ago John had to have brain surgery to relieve the symptoms of a chiari malformation. Because of that initial surgery, disk degeneration (which he has always had) is worsening and manifesting in some icky symptoms (he is on week 3 of a CONSTANT headache right now.... he is losing strength and size in his left arm... he has pain radiating from his neck all the way down his arm...) Today they told us that left untreated it could eventually result in him losing all function in his left arm.  [Okay that's pretty scary.]

I believe it was back in July of 2012 that we first started hearing about this idea of neck fusion, and then again this past summer it came up. As this appointment to discuss it again approached we started hearing rumors (which are still as of now unconfirmed) that the lovely Affordable Care Act is going to DECIMATE our current AMAZING insurance benefits and knock us down to what all the rest of you have been dealing with for insurance [not being rude, just saying that we have had FABULOUS health insurance every since John changed jobs.... if the rumors prove to be true that will be a thing of the past come January 2014]....  Sooooo these rumors got us thinking that we might need to just DO THIS before we cannot afford to do it because of our "Affordable Care".... When they told us that part about the possibility of it progressing to the point where he would not even have any use of that arm, we were kinda like, "Okay let's get this puppy on the books!"

Again for those of you who want the details.... the gory details.... keep reading... the squeamish... well you've been warned.

So we have been told that this surgery will be MUCH less invasive, painful, difficult than the last one... [although I have to tell you that back in 2009 I DISTINCTLY remember Dr. Ahuja saying, "This is the best brain surgery to have. If you have to have brain surgery, THIS is the one you want to have because it is the easiest one."  WHATEVER!] apparently because they will go in through the front of his neck, moving his muscles to the side instead of cutting through muscle (like they did in the back of his neck) it should result in a much easier recovery. They will be fusing his C4 through C6 vertebrae together in order to give his nerves room to "live" in there and immediately relieving his pain, weakness in his arm and stopping any further degeneration.  Here's the visual they gave us of what they'll be doing.... that black thing is a titanium doo-hickey (yes that IS I think the technical term... at least as I heard it)... underneath the doo-hickey will be some plastic thingys that replace his degenerated discs.

Well so here we are.... walking down roads... living out scenes... asking for prayers... explaining medical terms we have become too familiar with.... all like we've done in the past....  In the short span of just 8 hours since I found out, I have been through the following phases:

Phase 1: I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me....

The first introduction of this concept of a second surgery actually happening, left me almost cocky and too assured.... "We can do this!  It's easier than the first time. So much is different. We are different.  This is going to be a walk in the park!"  It was in this phase we told the kids, and they pretty much seemed to take it in stride just like I was.

Phase 2: I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me....

After we told the kids, John and I laid down to try to get a little rest. I fell SOUNDLY asleep, slept too long and arose late for cheer practice and a bit discombobulated. At this point the realization that we were indeed going to do this AGAIN was hitting me and I was left feeling a bit dazed and confused by the punch that realization walloped. I raced off to practice, forgetting Regan's shoes, forgetting a cup of the coffee I asked Noah to brew for me, and forgetting about a certain female situation which I will provide no more details of in case my brother is reading this blog for he will SHOUT, "FOUL!!! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!" (In fact he is probably already shouting that.) I drove to practice kinda forgetting where I was and where I was going for a little bit. I felt as foggy and hazy as the weather around me.

Phase 3:  I can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens me.

I entered phase 3 as I pulled in the driveway after practice. I sat in the car for several minutes sobbing. "God I know I can do this with you. God don't leave my side for a second these next few months. God I NEED you!" screaming from my soul! My weeping left me in a place of quiet resolution. I can do this again. I can get through ANOTHER surgery. I can watch the man I love endure EXCRUCIATING pain. I can watch my dear babies trying to be strong with terror in their eyes. I can DO this.  And that's when God gave me my analogy.

When the surgical assistant was explaining the surgery to us, he said that at the end of the surgery they will "rough up" the bone (vertebrae) around the fusion site. He said they do this to signal the body, something is hurt here we need to fix it.  Then new bone will grow to "accept" the titanium doo-hickey and strengthen up that area.

God is roughing up my heart right now.  He is signaling my spirit that something is hurt and needs to be fixed. Over the next few days, His Holy Spirit will rush in and build "new bone" on my heart to accept this new situation and incorporate it into my reality and make me STRONGER.

As is typical when I come to you through the words of this blog... we NEED your prayers... for the big... for the little... for the seemingly inconsequential...

John is a little nervous/weirded out by this whole thing. I know he DESPERATELY wants his pain to come to an end but the fear that this won't do it or could even make it worse is assaulting him a little.

Noah seems okay right now, but he is the one ALWAYS hardest hit by John's health issues. #1 because John is TRULY his best friend and #2 because he tries to "step up and be the man" when John is down for the count and that is a tough thing for a 9 then and now almost 14 year old to do.

Details... our dr. is doing surgeries at a different hospital now we don't know if it is covered by our insurance.... we are hoping that the vacation time John has available will be enough to cover his recovery time... this will be happening RIGHT in the middle of cheer season, Christmas, etc... not the best timing in some ways but great timing in other ways.

I will try hard to keep you in the loop, but I expect that you will likely only hear from me when I'm begging for prayer or processing the tangle of emotions I am going through.

Thank you friends for your prayers and for always caring enough to walk with us through the dark times.

Mt. Olympus

It has been a pretty tough week at the Kastner house.  John has been in a SIGNIFICANT amount of pain for several weeks. Our minivan has been developing random minor ailments that are easy to fix but still  stressful (well except for one BIG one which resulted in a flat out MIRACLE). We found out last week that a "restructuring" of my department will likely leave me with a LOT more time (and a bit LESS money). And to add insult to injury I was body slammed with the worst seasonal allergies I have had this year (and I was out of my EXPENSIVE allergy meds). It's been a painful,  EXPENSIVE, difficult week.

Several months ago John and I discussed how we have NEVER (not even once) taken our children on a vacation. We have been on MANY vacations most of them with  (and payrolled by) Oma & Poppa.... a few for cheerleading competitions.... but just these six Kastners going away together, just us. .. it has NEVER happened before.  When we realized that,  we realized that it had to change. 

We stressed a little about how we would afford this trip (fine!  I stressed a little! John has this Bob-Marley-like personality that's like,  "It's only money, Mon.... we'll figure it out. ") but began making plans for the first ever Kastner vaca. I hemmed and hawed, dragging my feet to make the deposit.  I was terrified that the second we committed John's health would go again, someone would lose a job, the car would die,  or something. But finally there was no more time to delay. I had to make the reservation.  I did.  And the bad stuff happened: John's not doing well,  I'm unemployed,  our car is driving me NUTS with a new noise every day.... but you know what??? We went anyway.

And I won't lie. I am STRUGGLING with the worry that in the coming months we might need this money for groceries... or that we might have driven all the way out here for the car to BREAK DOWN.  but in spite of the worry in my belly, it's like my brain hasn't gotten the memo.  WE ARE HAVING THE TIME OF OUR LIFE! 

***the chaos of packing all our stuff in the car
***the LONG car trip complete with "Are we there yet?" every 2 seconds and an unplanned potty break to ensure a bladder didn't explode
***roller coasters, 

go karts,  

water slides,  hot tubs,  rock walls 

and MORE

***collapsing EXHAUSTED into our gorgeous room too tired to wiggle from having WAY to much fun

This morning contemplating the REQUIRED Starbucks trip that was coming (our room had no coffee maker... NONE) I started to feel the worry threatening to escape my belly and attack my mind again and then I heard God whispering, "My daughter,  have I not carried you before?  Have I not ALWAYS gotten you through?  What makes you think I won't carry you this time??? Rest.  Relax.  Enjoy your family vacation!"

So here are the lessons I have to share today:

1. I am human.  Even though I KNOW that God will carry us through each and every hurricane we face, I still worry.  It is still hard.  It is NOT fun.  It is okay to be human.

2. Satan never sleeps.  He never takes a break.  He doesn't think, "The Kastner family has had a rough road to travel: brain surgery,  money woes, pain,  sickness,  loss... I think I will just do them a solid and leave them alone on vaca." NOPE! He will prowl around trying to steal your joy at EVERY turn.  He will fight to destroy you every time.

3. I can beat Satan.  It doesn't take much actually.... simply allowing myself to have fun here.... praising when I feel like crying. .. refusing to allow my worry to make the trip from my belly to my mind. I CAN defeat Satan.

4. It's gonna be all right.  It really TRULY is. It might get messy.  I might not enjoy every moment.  I might come out a little battered and bruised but EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT! 

In closing,  I want to tell you that our children have already profusely thanked us a zillion times.  Jeremiah screamed,  "Best vacation EVER!" As he came round on the swings ride.  I had so much fun on the roller coaster I peed my pants (true story.... prolly TMI... but still TRUE story)... and this trip is SO blessed.  I see God's fingerprints EVERYWHERE.  For example,  when we made our reservations we were told that all outdoor parks close after Labor Day. So we would only have access to the indoor parks.... but when we arrived yesterday the outdoor amusement park was open and they told us the outdoor water park would be open today. ... so blessed!

So.... I'm gonna go try to have so much fun I pee my pants again... but the one thing I want you to remember is: IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT!

Hang in there folks!

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Flashback Friday: Don't be a Bildad!

I'm not sure why the Lord is leading me to re-post this blog entry, but I bet there is someone out there who needs to read it so here goes!

Don't be a Bildad!

Sunday's Sermon: This is My Story

Three weeks ago, Pastor Aaron introduced a new series called This is My Story. Because he was taking a 30-day sabbatical, four different staff members would be preaching and telling their "stories" which were according to him POWERFUL and would minister to us greatly. I was skeptical that I would actually enjoy four weeks without Pastor Aaron's preaching, but then he gave a teaser to one of the stories. The story of a young girl halfway around the world on a mission trip to India when her mother passed away unexpectedly.... The story reminded me of my dear Christina, and I knew that come heck or high water I would NOT miss that story!

This weekend.... ohhhhhh this weekend!  Friday night we had our Pampered Chef fundraiser and a few hours before while I was still in the HEAT of barking out orders to the kids to clean up, trying to make homemade salsa and guacamole, and had not yet taken a shower, I found Auntie Marge wandering down the hallway wearing nothing from the waist down but one sock. This was my final clue that she was indeed, as I had been suspecting for about a week, ill. The doctor wouldn't prescribe anything without seeing her, and I couldn't get her to the doctor that night so I planned to take her in the next morning. We were up late from the Pampered Chef party and didn't get to bed till nearly midnight. At about 2 a.m. Hannah woke me when she banged her puke bucket into my head, "I think I'm gonna throw up, Momma." I spent the next few hours listening to her bark this AWFUL cough that made her sound like a yippy dog before drifting off into a VERY light sleep next to her. At 7 a.m., I heard Auntie Marge calling me from the bathroom. She had an accident that required a shower and full cleaning of the toilet/bathroom. The weekend proceeded much like that.... went to the urgent care with BOTH Hannah and Auntie Marge. Hardly slept AT ALL Saturday night as well because of a headache and some insomnia over stress... Sunday morning dawned, and I did NOT feel like going to church. I was EXHAUSTED... But there was NO WAY Satan was keeping ME from THIS sermon!  John and I devised a plan that involved going to church in two shifts in order to keep our little Sickie Vickie from infecting other children. I threw down a cup of coffee and headed off to first service.

The worship was POWERFUL and amazing as always. This guy they have leading worship at our church lately is nothing short of FABULOUS!  He wrote the first song we sang.... It was the debut of the song in Sunday service, but had been sung in Youth Group already.... Jeremiah leaned over and said, "Mom, this is IT! My favorite song I was telling you about!"  I love when my children are excited about the things of God!

So then it was time.... I had my plan... pay attention closely for some good stuff to tell Christina... wisdom that she would TOTALLY be able to relate to.  She came out... This adorable young thing who wasn't even BORN when I graduated from high school!  I was sure she had something to share with Christina but me??? I'm an old foggie.... I've heard it all before..... WHATEVER!  She ROCKED MY WORLD!  I mean it ROCKED MY WORLD!

Her testimony of losing her mother made me BAWL.... that I expected. I am such an empathetic person that I felt her loss, as told through her story, VERY deeply. But then like a right hook out of nowhere, this girl started getting in MY kitchen. She talked about the choice when you suffer a loss... the choice to be bitter or to trust God.  She talked about the fact that EVEN Jesus wept... so WE can weep too in loss. But I think what gutted me the most was her bare-naked honesty.... I am SO glad this young lady had the courage to say what wouldn't make her look the best in some circles. She admitted that on the way home to the United States after her mother had passed away she questioned God... she thought, "Really God.... I'm here doing YOUR business and You couldn't just have her hang on a little longer so I could say goodbye?"  It GUTTED me!  See I have felt that!  I have thought that!  "Lord, I've given you my life!  I've served you UNWAVERINGLY since I was a little girl! You really couldn't just protect this one thing I held MOST dear???"

After the sermon, I went forward for prayer. That was a BIG step for me!  I have RESISTED God's prodding to do so many times before at this church... I don't know why... I think mostly because I don't like the unknown of how it is going to go down... But this time... I just walked up there... straight to the beautiful, young whippersnapper who had just WRECKED me with her sermon. And as she prayed for me I felt a WEIGHT I have been carrying for several years lifting off my shoulders.... a freedom that it is OKAY to hurt and feel and WEEP... and a release from some of the weight of my guilt at not being "godly enough" to weather my loss with a smile on my face and pep in my step.

See I have LONG believed that God isn't afraid of our honesty. I have LONG believed that I had permission to weep. But for some reason, on THIS day, from THIS girl, in THIS moment I had a WORD from God that GRIPPED my heart.... and I really BELIEVED that it was okay to weep because Jesus did it too!

Today my friends let me encourage you.... Whatever you are going through right now.... Whether it is a MAJOR loss or a minor setback, it is OKAY to weep, to feel, to be angry, to be HONEST... It is okay because that is the model Jesus set for us.... He was honest.... he even got angry.... he even questioned God in the Garden of Gethsemane.... he WEPT... so we can too.

Oh and one final thing.... I realized at the end of the message that I didn't even know what to tell Christina.... I had gone to church "for her" so I could share things that would minister to her, but two minutes in I completely forgot about her because I was in the midst of my own moment with God.... Don't worry... I sent her a link to the live feed of the second service so she wouldn't miss out completely... And I'm pretty sure she'll read this blog too...

Jesus wept.
John 11:35

Flashback Friday: Your enemy the devil....

Here's an old blog of mine that MINISTERED to me yesterday.  I needed to remember that Satan will NOT take my resolutions sitting down. He will NOT just idly stand by when I pray for revival, when I ask God to renew me, when I get a WORD directly from God.... Nope! He ATTACKS hard and heavy!

Your enemy the devil...

Praying God's protection over all of you today.