Three weeks ago, Pastor Aaron introduced a new series called This is My Story. Because he was taking a 30-day sabbatical, four different staff members would be preaching and telling their "stories" which were according to him POWERFUL and would minister to us greatly. I was skeptical that I would actually enjoy four weeks without Pastor Aaron's preaching, but then he gave a teaser to one of the stories. The story of a young girl halfway around the world on a mission trip to India when her mother passed away unexpectedly.... The story reminded me of my dear Christina, and I knew that come heck or high water I would NOT miss that story!
This weekend.... ohhhhhh this weekend! Friday night we had our Pampered Chef fundraiser and a few hours before while I was still in the HEAT of barking out orders to the kids to clean up, trying to make homemade salsa and guacamole, and had not yet taken a shower, I found Auntie Marge wandering down the hallway wearing nothing from the waist down but one sock. This was my final clue that she was indeed, as I had been suspecting for about a week, ill. The doctor wouldn't prescribe anything without seeing her, and I couldn't get her to the doctor that night so I planned to take her in the next morning. We were up late from the Pampered Chef party and didn't get to bed till nearly midnight. At about 2 a.m. Hannah woke me when she banged her puke bucket into my head, "I think I'm gonna throw up, Momma." I spent the next few hours listening to her bark this AWFUL cough that made her sound like a yippy dog before drifting off into a VERY light sleep next to her. At 7 a.m., I heard Auntie Marge calling me from the bathroom. She had an accident that required a shower and full cleaning of the toilet/bathroom. The weekend proceeded much like that.... went to the urgent care with BOTH Hannah and Auntie Marge. Hardly slept AT ALL Saturday night as well because of a headache and some insomnia over stress... Sunday morning dawned, and I did NOT feel like going to church. I was EXHAUSTED... But there was NO WAY Satan was keeping ME from THIS sermon! John and I devised a plan that involved going to church in two shifts in order to keep our little Sickie Vickie from infecting other children. I threw down a cup of coffee and headed off to first service.
The worship was POWERFUL and amazing as always. This guy they have leading worship at our church lately is nothing short of FABULOUS! He wrote the first song we sang.... It was the debut of the song in Sunday service, but had been sung in Youth Group already.... Jeremiah leaned over and said, "Mom, this is IT! My favorite song I was telling you about!" I love when my children are excited about the things of God!
So then it was time.... I had my plan... pay attention closely for some good stuff to tell Christina... wisdom that she would TOTALLY be able to relate to. She came out... This adorable young thing who wasn't even BORN when I graduated from high school! I was sure she had something to share with Christina but me??? I'm an old foggie.... I've heard it all before..... WHATEVER! She ROCKED MY WORLD! I mean it ROCKED MY WORLD!
Her testimony of losing her mother made me BAWL.... that I expected. I am such an empathetic person that I felt her loss, as told through her story, VERY deeply. But then like a right hook out of nowhere, this girl started getting in MY kitchen. She talked about the choice when you suffer a loss... the choice to be bitter or to trust God. She talked about the fact that EVEN Jesus wept... so WE can weep too in loss. But I think what gutted me the most was her bare-naked honesty.... I am SO glad this young lady had the courage to say what wouldn't make her look the best in some circles. She admitted that on the way home to the United States after her mother had passed away she questioned God... she thought, "Really God.... I'm here doing YOUR business and You couldn't just have her hang on a little longer so I could say goodbye?" It GUTTED me! See I have felt that! I have thought that! "Lord, I've given you my life! I've served you UNWAVERINGLY since I was a little girl! You really couldn't just protect this one thing I held MOST dear???"
After the sermon, I went forward for prayer. That was a BIG step for me! I have RESISTED God's prodding to do so many times before at this church... I don't know why... I think mostly because I don't like the unknown of how it is going to go down... But this time... I just walked up there... straight to the beautiful, young whippersnapper who had just WRECKED me with her sermon. And as she prayed for me I felt a WEIGHT I have been carrying for several years lifting off my shoulders.... a freedom that it is OKAY to hurt and feel and WEEP... and a release from some of the weight of my guilt at not being "godly enough" to weather my loss with a smile on my face and pep in my step.
See I have LONG believed that God isn't afraid of our honesty. I have LONG believed that I had permission to weep. But for some reason, on THIS day, from THIS girl, in THIS moment I had a WORD from God that GRIPPED my heart.... and I really BELIEVED that it was okay to weep because Jesus did it too!
Today my friends let me encourage you.... Whatever you are going through right now.... Whether it is a MAJOR loss or a minor setback, it is OKAY to weep, to feel, to be angry, to be HONEST... It is okay because that is the model Jesus set for us.... He was honest.... he even got angry.... he even questioned God in the Garden of Gethsemane.... he WEPT... so we can too.
Oh and one final thing.... I realized at the end of the message that I didn't even know what to tell Christina.... I had gone to church "for her" so I could share things that would minister to her, but two minutes in I completely forgot about her because I was in the midst of my own moment with God.... Don't worry... I sent her a link to the live feed of the second service so she wouldn't miss out completely... And I'm pretty sure she'll read this blog too...
Jesus wept.
John 11:35
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