It hit me as I stood in my kitchen this morning. I mean don't get me wrong. I have been there the past two days. I know John was zoomed to one hospital in an ambulance and zoomed in another ambulance to a different hospital. It grazed over the surface of my brain that this was all a freaky sense of deja vu: back in the Neuro ICU, same faces we had seen 14 months ago, same words flying around: CT, MRI, EEG, same hallways to walk, same Noodles to eat and Starbucks to drink. However, this morning I was walking through the kitchen listening to my husband coughing away in the bathroom. (He has a touch of a cold and had just asked me, "Isn't green bad?") I thought, He should hop in the shower. The steam would open him up a little. when an image of the cane we bought him last night flashed into my mind. And as real as hitting a wall of cement at 75 miles per hour everything came to a HALT.
I realized. We are BACK there. We are pretty much EXACTLY where we were 14 months ago before John had his surgery. He can't use his life side very well (better than Friday but still not very well). He is WEAK (which is a situation that in and itself TERRIFIES me. My big strong, tough, a little bit scary husband weakened is just a petrifying situation for me.) and we do NOT know what is going on with him. We don't know what this "lesion on the cerebellum" is, but we do know that: John needs to use a cane to get around. We also know that while the doctor said he COULD return to work on Monday, he also said if John had some sick time available he SHOULD take it easy this week. Therefore, John should be out of work. It is all VERY reminiscent of last year, and I have a secret to tell:
I am scared.
I'm not really scared of what we're going to go through. I know that I know that I know: God is IN control. He has our back. All things work together for good to those who love God.... I know these things deep in my being. However, right here, right now, poised at the threshold of enduring this again, I'm afraid I can't do it again. It is silly really. I've done this before. I've limped through the days before diagnosis trying to force my worries into submission. I've wrestled my fears in a waiting room full of other loved ones. I've fought a VERY stubborn man to get his butt in gear and help me get him healthy. I've humiliated myself admitting to others we needed financial help. I've endured the scorn which came from those who felt I should have kept my financial needs to myself and let God provide for my needs without me asking people for help. I shuffled, head down, eyes averted through the shame of applying for energy assistance and food stamps. I have held that little green card hidden in my hand while trying to swipe it without anyone else at Walmart knowing I was paying with a Quest card. I've watched this man I love more than my own life reduced to half of himself and struggling through forming a new identity based upon the fact that the one thing he REALLY valued in himself, his strength, was completely gone. I have toughed it out when faced with terror on my babies faces and in their hearts. So rationally, based upon the fact that I have done all of this before and lived to tell about it, it is silly really that I am scared.
But guess what? In spite of the fact that I have done it all before and made it through to the other side, I don't wanna do it again. And part of why I don't wanna do it again is I am not sure I can do it again. I know God has the strength to get us through this. I know Dr. Ahuja is smart enough to get us through this. I know our family is faithful enough to get us through this. I know that our friends pray hard enough to get us through this. But I don't know if I, Jami Lynn Kastner, can do this. Because I just DON'T WANNA! I wanna go back! I wanna be in that place where we were complaining about all the medication John has to take and whining about the fact that he still struggles to turn his head to the side. Instead of sitting here worrying what this fricken lesion thing means. I wanna be in the place where we were planning to spend the Christmas "bonus" we just got on nice presents for Amanda & Amber for once and a trip to a water park for the little ones. Instead of having to sock that money away in case John is out of work again. I wanna be in the place where we had triumphed THROUGH our struggles. Instead of here in the first chapter of a new book of struggles.
Alas, as I always say to my children, channeling the spirit of the great Mick Jaeger, "You can't always get what you want." I want to be a size 9 again. I want to sleep through the night without some one's little piggies jabbing me in my private area. I want to clean the kitchen floor and have it stay clean for more than 39 seconds. And now I want my husband to be healthy again. But, "You can't always get what you want." However, if you keep singing that song you'll find this gem of wisdom too, "But if you try, sometimes you might find, you get what you need."
God isn't about giving me what I want. He is about giving me what I need. He is the creator of this crazy, jumbled, sometimes slightly insane creature. He wrote the owner's manual on Jami Lynn Kastner 2.0, and He alone knows what I need. So I'm taking my tears and my fears and trudging back upstairs to pour myself some more coffee. I'm not in a place that is pleasant right now, but that doesn't mean that I'm not EXACTLY where God wants me to be. And I know myself, as well as some of you know me too, and we know that in spite of my little temper tantrum here today, I will pull it together and figure it out. I'll scratch and claw; kick, scream, and bite, and do WHATEVER it takes to get my little family through this most recent skirmish.
I'm adding the song Voice of Truth (Casting Crowns) to the top of my playlist. It says it all today. Expect to hear from me more frequently in the days to come, both to update you on John's status and because I have a jumble of feelings to work out here and blogging soothes my soul.
Once again, I cannot tell all of you how valuable your support has been. Encouraging words on my FB page, comments to my blog, e-mailed responses, but most of all PRAYER. Thank you everyone. Thank you so much!
Showing posts with label Casting Crowns. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Casting Crowns. Show all posts
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The yarn tangle....
It started before Christmas. We were talking with the kids about how it would likely be a tight Christmas. Jeremiah said, "Maybe you could give me something you made yourself! Like a sweater!" We chuckled about that because I am in NO WAY capable of making a sweater, but then I started thinking. I used to know how to crochet. It can't be that difficult to pick up again. I set out on an adventure crocheting scarves for the children. It morphed into crocheting scarves for my step-daughters and their boyfriends, and then one for my cousin's baby and my sister. By Christmas I had crocheted 11 scarves!
I realized that in this season of my life crocheting is very good for me. It is very therapeutic. There is something about the repetitiveness of it that is soothing. It also makes me feel productive at the exact same time I am sitting still getting some much needed rest and relaxation. Finally, it actually relaxes me so much that it puts me to sleep. John has made fun of me several times for actually falling asleep sitting up in the recliner with my crocheting in my lap. He says I am SO an elderly person now.
Well, always one to think a little more highly of me than I deserve, my husband returned home from work one day and asked, "Can you make my boss a scarf by tomorrow?" I laughed and said maybe I could get one done in two days but not by the next morning. I asked what color and he said, "Navy." Navy.... oh navy....
I picked up the navy skein of yarn I had in my yarn box and started on the scarf; however, just a few rows into the project, I encountered a tangle of epic proportions. Now to my knowledge I am not aware of anyone rolling around in this particular skein of yarn, so I have NO idea how it got so tangled, but it was BAD! I spent all of my crocheting time for about two days trying to untangle this thing. It was frustrating. It was hard. Several times I wanted to just give up and toss the thing in the trash. But I was DETERMINED not to let this yarn tangle win. So on I fought.
I kept thinking surely as I get closer and closer to the end of this escapade it will get easier... surely if I just get a little more untangled I will be able to breeze through the last bits of the tangle. But no dice! From the beginning of that struggle all the way through to the end it was ARDUOUS! That tangle was like the monster tangle from hell itself. I have never felt relief like I felt when I finally got through the end of that thing and was left with just a neat little ball of yarn. I had conquered the tangle and the heady feeling of accomplishment was a great high.
I've been thinking about that yarn tangle a lot lately. Struggles in life can be a lot like that monster yarn tangle. They can be HARD! Sometimes we think if we can just get a little further through that bad boy, it will get easier. Or maybe we get irritated with ourselves, "Surely I should have this down pat by now. I've been dealing with the intricacies of this struggle for so long. I should be able to plow through this." But guess what sometimes struggles are just a BEAR! No matter how long we have been at them, they are just as tough as they were in the beginning. Some trials we face just don't get easier to handle with time. Some things we have to make it through are just tough 100% of the time. I LOVE the Casting Crowns song Praise You in the Storm. For almost 4 years now this part of the lyrics has been hitting me SQUARE in the chest:
I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining....
There are struggles in our life that seem to go on forever. We get tired of fighting through them. Sometimes I feel other people even get tired of hearing about them. They (and we) think, "Come on! Get through this already! It should NOT be taking this long!" But God's timing is not our timing, and His ways are not our ways....
These never-ending type struggles, for whatever reason, don't seem to be any easier years down the road then they were when they first started. They are just as tangled and knotted as they were when we first encountered them. But guess what? There is an end! Even if it is not in sight. There is a way! He can make it. Eventually (even if it's not until you make it to Heaven) you will get through that tangle and make it to that neat little ball of yarn. And OH the triumph, oh the glory, oh the feeling of accomplishment when that struggle is behind you!
So don't give up! Fight on! Be a stubborn little brat. Cling to your fight like a 2-year old clings to the sucker her brother is trying to steal. Be tenacious! Who cares how long it takes? Who cares if others don't want to hear about your struggle anymore? You focus on God and buckle down and fight through that tangle with all you have got! I promise you, there IS a reward waiting at the end, and no matter how long it takes you to get there, you will be BLESSED for not giving up.
Happy untangling!
I realized that in this season of my life crocheting is very good for me. It is very therapeutic. There is something about the repetitiveness of it that is soothing. It also makes me feel productive at the exact same time I am sitting still getting some much needed rest and relaxation. Finally, it actually relaxes me so much that it puts me to sleep. John has made fun of me several times for actually falling asleep sitting up in the recliner with my crocheting in my lap. He says I am SO an elderly person now.
Well, always one to think a little more highly of me than I deserve, my husband returned home from work one day and asked, "Can you make my boss a scarf by tomorrow?" I laughed and said maybe I could get one done in two days but not by the next morning. I asked what color and he said, "Navy." Navy.... oh navy....
I picked up the navy skein of yarn I had in my yarn box and started on the scarf; however, just a few rows into the project, I encountered a tangle of epic proportions. Now to my knowledge I am not aware of anyone rolling around in this particular skein of yarn, so I have NO idea how it got so tangled, but it was BAD! I spent all of my crocheting time for about two days trying to untangle this thing. It was frustrating. It was hard. Several times I wanted to just give up and toss the thing in the trash. But I was DETERMINED not to let this yarn tangle win. So on I fought.
I kept thinking surely as I get closer and closer to the end of this escapade it will get easier... surely if I just get a little more untangled I will be able to breeze through the last bits of the tangle. But no dice! From the beginning of that struggle all the way through to the end it was ARDUOUS! That tangle was like the monster tangle from hell itself. I have never felt relief like I felt when I finally got through the end of that thing and was left with just a neat little ball of yarn. I had conquered the tangle and the heady feeling of accomplishment was a great high.
I've been thinking about that yarn tangle a lot lately. Struggles in life can be a lot like that monster yarn tangle. They can be HARD! Sometimes we think if we can just get a little further through that bad boy, it will get easier. Or maybe we get irritated with ourselves, "Surely I should have this down pat by now. I've been dealing with the intricacies of this struggle for so long. I should be able to plow through this." But guess what sometimes struggles are just a BEAR! No matter how long we have been at them, they are just as tough as they were in the beginning. Some trials we face just don't get easier to handle with time. Some things we have to make it through are just tough 100% of the time. I LOVE the Casting Crowns song Praise You in the Storm. For almost 4 years now this part of the lyrics has been hitting me SQUARE in the chest:
I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining....
There are struggles in our life that seem to go on forever. We get tired of fighting through them. Sometimes I feel other people even get tired of hearing about them. They (and we) think, "Come on! Get through this already! It should NOT be taking this long!" But God's timing is not our timing, and His ways are not our ways....
These never-ending type struggles, for whatever reason, don't seem to be any easier years down the road then they were when they first started. They are just as tangled and knotted as they were when we first encountered them. But guess what? There is an end! Even if it is not in sight. There is a way! He can make it. Eventually (even if it's not until you make it to Heaven) you will get through that tangle and make it to that neat little ball of yarn. And OH the triumph, oh the glory, oh the feeling of accomplishment when that struggle is behind you!
So don't give up! Fight on! Be a stubborn little brat. Cling to your fight like a 2-year old clings to the sucker her brother is trying to steal. Be tenacious! Who cares how long it takes? Who cares if others don't want to hear about your struggle anymore? You focus on God and buckle down and fight through that tangle with all you have got! I promise you, there IS a reward waiting at the end, and no matter how long it takes you to get there, you will be BLESSED for not giving up.
Happy untangling!
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